Tag Archives: being open minded

Dates, friends and possibilities

08 Thursday Oct 2020

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“Take advantage of it now, while you are young, and suffer all you can, because these things don’t last your whole life.” ― Gabriel García Márquez, Love in the Time of Cholera

Dating, as it can be expected, has been slow going.  Still I have managed to go on 3 dates with a 62 year old attorney.  He thinks he looks younger so he set his date range on his profile to 40 to 54 years old.  I barely made it. 😊

Upon meeting him I thought he looked and carried himself a bit older than 62 .  I asked his age again to make sure.  He said he thinks he looks younger because he is active. I didn’t have the heart to tell him what I thought. I am glad he didn’t ask.

It got me thinking about what it means to be young.  My date thought that because he walks every evening and plays golf Saturday and Sunday that he looks younger.  It is awesome that he feels that way but it is not what I saw and felt.  (but really who cares what I think.  Good for him for feeling that way)

He didn’t have the characteristics that make me think of someone as being young.  It has nothing to do with a number or how they look.  It is how they carry and present themselves.  It is their attitude.

To me being young is never losing the sense of adventure. Being young is being eternally curious and always wanting and willing to learn. Being young is not being set on my ways, being capable of changing and to adapting.  Being young is being hungry.  Hungry for life.

What is important is how somebody feels, so great for him for feeling younger.   I just don’t think he is being realistic wanting to date someone as young as 40 years old. 

“All I want to be is very young always and very irresponsible and to feel that my life is my own-to live and be happy and die in my own way to please myself” ― Zelda Fitzgerald

Still I went on 3 dates with him.  After the third date I was sure that there was zero romantic chemistry.  I actually knew that after the first date.   Looking back, I guess I just wanted to get out of the house and he was a nice person, so why not.  At the time I thought I was being open-minded and taking a chance.

On paper he seemed like a great match for me. He was a gentleman, smart and successful.  I realized after those 3 dates that not only there was no chemistry, there was not much of meaningful conversation either.  I asked and he answered.  I asked about his profession, family, etc.  He didn’t ask about mine. 

I feel I know a lot about him, but he knows nothing about me. Whatever he knows about me is because I volunteered.  I enjoy the give and take conversation when someone is interested in finding out about me as much as I am about him.

I was relieved when, days later, he wrote me a message saying that we should be friends.  I agreed.  I thought I was never going to hear from him again, but he called over the weekend to say hi.  I was shocked he even asked about my sister. Go figure!

“Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.” – ― Anais Nin, The Diary of Anais Nin

****
Then there is A.-The Renter. I mentioned him in a prior post. He is moving to NY from California maybe this month. We have been communicating for 2 months.  In the beginning there was a lot texting and phone calls.  I was very excited about him as it seemed that he could be the perfect match, but at this point it is hot and cold.

He texts me a lot one day then goes silent for many days, then starts texting again.  I am not happy about that and talked to him about it.  He mentioned he is very busy with his new position and that is why the infrequent texting.  He also mentioned that he is still very interested and nothing has changed as far as that. AS he mentioned: “I am the only one”.

It takes a second to send a text, so I don’t accept not having a second to send a text in as many as 5 days.  A few days ago he texted “Good morning” and I just didn’t have it in me to reply just to have him disappear again.  I ignored it.

I want to be open-minded, understanding and accommodating, but I am not willing to accept scraps, I want to be important in somebody’s life.  

If he ever moves here I am willing to meet.  That is, if he ever texts again.  Either way I am ok.  The earth will not stop moving.

****

I have a date tonight with a guy that is not really my type but he seems nice and I am curious.  He likes classic cars and has a motorcycle, not normally the guys that I go for, but when all else fails…

“Your assumptions are your windows on the world. Scrub them off every once in a while, or the light won’t come in.” ― Isaac Asimov


A Dozen ways to improve in relationships and life

04 Wednesday Mar 2020

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“It’s quite an undertaking to start loving somebody. You have to have energy, generosity, blindness. There is even a moment right at the start where you have to jump across an abyss: if you think about it you don’t do it.”― Jean-Paul Sartre, Nausea

New relationships are so fragile.  Any little thing can be the end before it really had a chance to begin.  I want to do my part to give this relationship a chance.

I am being diligent about:

  • Having no expectations.  This one I have been working at it and I have seen amazing progress.  As a result I get to enjoy every little surprising detail.  Life has a new flavor: surprise!
  • Avoiding miscommunication. I go out of my way to make sure that I understand him clearly and he understands me.  When in doubt I repeat what I have been told to make sure I understood it correctly.  The result is I never walk away from a conversation confused or unsure.

“Between what is said and not meant, and what is meant and not said, most of love is lost.”― Khalil Gibran

  • Giving up too soon. One of my prior patterns was to run anytime something didn’t please me, or didn’t correspond to my expectations.  Now I am staying and talking about it.  I am making more of an effort before throwing in the towel.
  • Making assumptions.  In the past things that seemed so clear to me were later revealed to be the total opposite.  Now I don’t assume, I ask.

“Your assumptions are your windows on the world. Scrub them off every once in a while, or the light won’t come in.”― Isaac Asimov

  • Being more trusting.  I was cheated on, but it doesn’t mean every man is going to cheat on me.  I am being alert not to be suspicious and paranoid.  In the past I would look for signs of deception and of course I would find it more often than not.  Now I trust until there is a reason not to. With time all things are revealed.
  • Not making the relationship a priority.  Everything else came before the relationship.  He was always an after thought, a distraction. Now I am trying to give him and the relationship more attention.

“Life is short. Focus on what really matters most; you should change your priorities over time.” ― Roy T. Bennett

  • Focusing too much on him and forgetting about everything else.  The flip side of the above.  There were instances where I made the relationship the center of my world.  I forgot about me.  It was too much.  The key word is balance.
  • Being okay with receiving compliments and love.  Anytime someone likes me I start to lose interest.  Anytime someone pays me a compliment more than a couple of times I start doubting their sincerity and assuming they are needy.  It becomes a turn off.  I am working on being open and receiving without suspicion.

“Sometimes I think the difference between what we want and what we’re afraid of is about the width of an eyelash.”― Jay McInerney

  • Letting everyday frustrations interfering in the relationship.  Lately I have been having some frustrating days at work, so I find myself being short tempered and not in the best moods.  I am making sure that I don’t take out work frustrations on him.
  • Respecting his opinion.  We don’t have to like the same things, but we have to respect each other’s likes and dislikes.  My way is not always the right way.  I am closing my mouth and opening my ears.  I am trying to learn and understand his reasons why and being respectful of them.

“Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving us wordy evidence of the fact.” ― George Eliot, Impressions of Theophrastus Such

  • Being okay with silence.  I have being working on this one; on choosing silence more often.  So often I talk just to fill the silence.  Often I say things that are not necessary and just confuses the situation.
  • Showing appreciation. Everyone wants to feel appreciated.  So I am making sure to let him know that I appreciate the things he does for me.  I am grateful for any visit, any drink, any dinner, any time he fixes something in my apartment, or gives me a great suggestion.

“Don’t forget, a person’s greatest emotional need is to feel appreciated.”― H. Jackson Brown

I want to pay attention to all of the above not because I want to have a man by my side, but because this is the year to break old patterns. This new attitude is about life.

I have been too comfortable in my old habits for too long.  It is hard to realize that I have certain tendencies that are not very positive.   I need to change and give people/me a chance.

It is about time I let things happen instead of running into my shell and playing it safe… alone.  Alone is so much easier, comfortable and predictable.  Relationships are hard work. They take trust and vulnerability.

I want someone and at times I want to be left alone…go figure!  I am still trying to solve that equation.

“The world as we have created it is a process of our thinking. It cannot be changed without changing our thinking.”― Albert Einstein

M so far hasn’t been a challenge or hard work. So far he is a welcome surprise.  We have different opinions about a number of things: politics, NY city, retirement, etc.  In the past I would predict doom and say good bye.  This time I decided to enjoy him and the moment and let things develop as they may.

By being better I will attract better… it is the law of the Universe.

For now is one day at a time.  Embracing the unknown and unexpected.  Having and open mind and an open heart.  Kicking and screaming.

“Love is not a state, a feeling, a disposition, but an exchange, uneven, fraught with history, with ghosts, with longings that are more or less legible to those who try to see one another with their own faulty vision.” ― Judith Butler