being better in relationships, being open hearted, being open minded, breaking old habits, having no expectations, payign attention to old patterns
“It’s quite an undertaking to start loving somebody. You have to have energy, generosity, blindness. There is even a moment right at the start where you have to jump across an abyss: if you think about it you don’t do it.”― Jean-Paul Sartre, Nausea
New relationships are so fragile. Any little thing can be the end before it really had a chance to begin. I want to do my part to give this relationship a chance.
I am being diligent about:
- Having no expectations. This one I have been working at it and I have seen amazing progress. As a result I get to enjoy every little surprising detail. Life has a new flavor: surprise!
- Avoiding miscommunication. I go out of my way to make sure that I understand him clearly and he understands me. When in doubt I repeat what I have been told to make sure I understood it correctly. The result is I never walk away from a conversation confused or unsure.
“Between what is said and not meant, and what is meant and not said, most of love is lost.”―
- Giving up too soon. One of my prior patterns was to run anytime something didn’t please me, or didn’t correspond to my expectations. Now I am staying and talking about it. I am making more of an effort before throwing in the towel.
- Making assumptions. In the past things that seemed so clear to me were later revealed to be the total opposite. Now I don’t assume, I ask.
“Your assumptions are your windows on the world. Scrub them off every once in a while, or the light won’t come in.”―
- Being more trusting. I was cheated on, but it doesn’t mean every man is going to cheat on me. I am being alert not to be suspicious and paranoid. In the past I would look for signs of deception and of course I would find it more often than not. Now I trust until there is a reason not to. With time all things are revealed.
- Not making the relationship a priority. Everything else came before the relationship. He was always an after thought, a distraction. Now I am trying to give him and the relationship more attention.
“Life is short. Focus on what really matters most; you should change your priorities over time.” ―
- Focusing too much on him and forgetting about everything else. The flip side of the above. There were instances where I made the relationship the center of my world. I forgot about me. It was too much. The key word is balance.
- Being okay with receiving compliments and love. Anytime someone likes me I start to lose interest. Anytime someone pays me a compliment more than a couple of times I start doubting their sincerity and assuming they are needy. It becomes a turn off. I am working on being open and receiving without suspicion.
“Sometimes I think the difference between what we want and what we’re afraid of is about the width of an eyelash.”―
- Letting everyday frustrations interfering in the relationship. Lately I have been having some frustrating days at work, so I find myself being short tempered and not in the best moods. I am making sure that I don’t take out work frustrations on him.
- Respecting his opinion. We don’t have to like the same things, but we have to respect each other’s likes and dislikes. My way is not always the right way. I am closing my mouth and opening my ears. I am trying to learn and understand his reasons why and being respectful of them.
“Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving us wordy evidence of the fact.” ― George Eliot, Impressions of Theophrastus Such
- Being okay with silence. I have being working on this one; on choosing silence more often. So often I talk just to fill the silence. Often I say things that are not necessary and just confuses the situation.
- Showing appreciation. Everyone wants to feel appreciated. So I am making sure to let him know that I appreciate the things he does for me. I am grateful for any visit, any drink, any dinner, any time he fixes something in my apartment, or gives me a great suggestion.
“Don’t forget, a person’s greatest emotional need is to feel appreciated.”―
I want to pay attention to all of the above not because I want to have a man by my side, but because this is the year to break old patterns. This new attitude is about life.
I have been too comfortable in my old habits for too long. It is hard to realize that I have certain tendencies that are not very positive. I need to change and give people/me a chance.
It is about time I let things happen instead of running into my shell and playing it safe… alone. Alone is so much easier, comfortable and predictable. Relationships are hard work. They take trust and vulnerability.
I want someone and at times I want to be left alone…go figure! I am still trying to solve that equation.
“The world as we have created it is a process of our thinking. It cannot be changed without changing our thinking.”―
M so far hasn’t been a challenge or hard work. So far he is a welcome surprise. We have different opinions about a number of things: politics, NY city, retirement, etc. In the past I would predict doom and say good bye. This time I decided to enjoy him and the moment and let things develop as they may.
By being better I will attract better… it is the law of the Universe.
For now is one day at a time. Embracing the unknown and unexpected. Having and open mind and an open heart. Kicking and screaming.
“Love is not a state, a feeling, a disposition, but an exchange, uneven, fraught with history, with ghosts, with longings that are more or less legible to those who try to see one another with their own faulty vision.” ― Judith Butler