Tag Archives: online dating

And the dating continues…

20 Friday Jan 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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It has been a little awhile since I have been here so I am about to catch you up on my dating life, but here is what else is going on:

  • Car doubts.  After many car issues, I finally decided I need to get another car.  I am still keeping my 30 year old baby (560SL) but it is about time to get a car that fits more than 2 people and it is good in the winter.  I am not sure if I should buy or lease? I hardly do any driving so I am leaning towards lease.  Any opinions?
  • Tenants/Buildings issues.  I need to learn to not stress over minor maintenance issues. Any time I see the superintendent’s number when my phone rings my heart sinks as I know he is going to mention some problem.   I  need to decide what to do in July when the lease is up.  Do I just sell it or keep it longer? I have time to decide…
  • After 32 years of living apart my identical twin sister and I will have to learn to live together again.  She will be coming to live in USA in the next few months and she will stay with me until she gets settled, a job, etc.  It will be interesting for sure. We would die for each other but after 5 minutes together we are already bickering.
  • Work remains a blessing even though there are some crazy egos and situations I have to navigate through. It makes me stronger and wiser.

Now on to dating:

Regarding the 2 guys I mentioned on this post:  https://atomic-temporary-33385295.wpcomstaging.com/2016/12/24/from-feast-to-famine-in-48-hours/

The counselor: After we had those disagreements we started talking again and now we are not only good friends but we are dance partners.  We are taking private Salsa dance lessons together.  We bought a package of 10 lessons.  It has been a lot fun.  He is so funny.

I explained I am no longer interested in romance and he respects that.  We are planning to go to dance clubs once our dancing improves, well mostly his.  I am Brazilian so moving my hips is easy. For him it has been a little more difficult.  But he has so much enthusiasm that it makes up for the lack of rhythm.

The Pharmacist: We started talking again after that day.  And for a second it looked like we could become friends.

One Sunday he asked me what I was going to do that evening and when I said that I was going out to dinner with a friend he volunteered to come with us and pay for dinner. I agreed.

Then he said  he was going to come up to my apartment and watch me get ready.  When I said that it was not going to happen, he said he would sit and wait in the living room.  Again I said: It is not going to happen.  He got upset that he would have to wait outside my apartment and said he was not coming anymore.  I said ok and we haven’t spoken since.

I hate when guys assume that after meeting me once or a couple of times that I am ready to invite them to my apartment.  There is no right time, but it is on my time not on theirs.

***

The construction worker:  I haven’t mentioned him before and I would probably not mention him other for the fact that he invited me to go skiing with him in Big Sky, Montana.  He has a hotel room with 2 beds.  It is very tempting and I even reserved a flight.  United lets you reserve the rate for one week.  I have to decide by tomorrow.  I am dying to go there. I am dying to go skiing.  But, I don’t want to put myself in an uncomfortable situation.  Even though he agrees this would be just friends, I barely know him.  I am so conflicted!!!

***

Online dating can get tiring and frustrating.  It is full of users, losers, jerks and fakes, but among all of that there are still some good guys there.  I have managed to meet some of them.  As always be careful when online dating.  Safety first!

I have met men from all walks of life.  I met computer software designers, all kinds of salesmen, financial guys from banking, insurance, etc, construction workers, lawyers, doctors, musicians,  teachers, etc.   I am thankful for online dating for making it possible for me to meet different people.

The last few dates I had:

  • A businessman in the denim business. I was already picturing all the free jeans I would get 🙂 The date was okay. We spent the whole time talking about online dating. Any time that is the topic of conversation it is a sign things are not going to work. We had only drinks. Yes, he was cheap lol
  • A Retired lawyer that occupies himself with some kind of electronics components distribution. We had dinner at a great restaurant. He seemed excited about me but I am not sure about him. I don’t think it will go anywhere. Funny fact, well funny for me, his children are in boarding school.  I had never met anyone that had kids in boarding school.
  • A South American food importer.  A very nice guy, but every time he spoke he touched my knee.  I know it is the South American familiar way but I didn’t care for that.  Also it was hard to understand him and my Spanish is not great.  I am a talker, so conversation is a big deal for me.  It is not going anywhere.
  • A restaurant owner that was just a bit too old for me.  He is 64.  I am not ageist but it didn’t seem he could keep up with me and I don’t have dreams of retiring in Florida.  Nothing against Florida either.

This week and weekend I have a friend from Brazil staying with me so there was no dates, but next week there will be 3.  Stay tuned, if anything interesting happens you will be the first to know.

You are awesome!  The sooner you realize that the better.  Breath, be happy, be positive, eat chocolate, life is great, no need to stress, everything passes!

Wishing you all a blessed weekend! 🙂

“Dare to Be

When a new day begins, dare to smile gratefully.

When there is darkness, dare to be the first to shine a light.

When there is injustice, dare to be the first to condemn it.

When something seems difficult, dare to do it anyway.

When life seems to beat you down, dare to fight back.

When there seems to be no hope, dare to find some.

When you’re feeling tired, dare to keep going.

When times are tough, dare to be tougher.

When love hurts you, dare to love again.

When someone is hurting, dare to help them heal.

When another is lost, dare to help them find the way.

When a friend falls, dare to be the first to extend a hand.

When you cross paths with another, dare to make them smile.

When you feel great, dare to help someone else feel great too.

When the day has ended, dare to feel as you’ve done your best.

Dare to be the best you can –

At all times, Dare to be!” – Steve Maraboli

From feast to famine in 48 hours

24 Saturday Dec 2016

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“Love doesn’t make the world go ’round; love is what makes the ride worthwhile.” – Shannon L. Adler

My number one complaint from all my first dates is the lack of chemistry.  I have been lucky that, overall,  I meet good guys, but if there are no sparks, then there is no future.

There are now two guys:

The School Counselor.  We have been texting  and emailing for a couple of months, but I wouldn’t agree to meet while my mother was here.  Since my mother left we have gone on 2 dates.

We always have so much fun online and in person.  We make each other laugh.  The first date was a delicious meal at an Italian restaurant near my home.   On the second date we went to the movies.  I can see having a friendship even if romance doesn’t blossom.

At the end of the date when he dropped me off at my apartment we kissed.  While it didn’t rock my world, I thought: I can work with this!  It was a good kiss.  I excited to feel the potential here.

We continue to text and I am sure the 3rd date is probably towards the end of the week.

In the meantime this other guy reaches out.

The Hospital Pharmacist.  We had started talking awhile back but we had cooled things off because he declared that we live too far (1 hour) and also because he doesn’t like traveling and I eventually want to see the world.  Not deal-breakers for me but apparently they are for him.

He emailed me the other day and said he couldn’t get me out of his mind and asked me if we could be friends.  I agreed.   I don’t have enough friends, so I always welcome new friendships.

We started exchanging emails and texts often.  I never give my phone number out until I have a date scheduled or until after I meet, but in the case of these 2 guys I did.  I guess the potential in it made me relax a bit my rules.

The conversation was easy, fun and the chemistry could be felt through the phone line.  He seemed to be as open and honest as I am.

On Monday he canceled a date he had with somebody else and he came to meet me because he said he could not wait any longer.  The sparks flew immediately.  The chemistry was undeniable.  We kissed within 1 hour of sitting at the restaurant. It was like we had known each other for ages.

At the end of the night he walked me to my door and kissed me again and if I was not such a good girl I would have invited him in. But I am, so I didn’t! 🙂

We will be seeing each other on Christmas Day for dinner and we will also spend New Year Eve together.

So at this point, even though this is just the beginning,  I am thinking: I can’t juggle men.  I will have to choose one.

and then it all changed:

“Rejection is an opportunity for your selection.”  – Bernard Branson

The School Counselor.  He was silent for a couple of days so I got worried (he had been getting in touch every day for multiple times a day).  I texted him and he replied: “It’s about time you reached out”.

I asked him what he was talking about and he said that he wanted to see if I was interested and would contact him.  That is an immediate turn off for me and I told him that.

I told him the he knows that I am interested as I had already told him.  (I don’t expect men to read my mind, and I don’t play games, if I like someone I tell them that)  Then he said he didn’t mind chasing but not a lot.  Chasing?  Since when asking a girl on a date is chasing?

“Let him who would move the world first move himself.” – Socrates

By now I am completely turned off.  I am not interested in games or little boys.   I am interested in a man that know what he wants and go after it.  Playing these types of games is just dumb. I am not 15.  I don’t have time or use for that.   And that was the end of that.  I don’t expect to hear from him, and I don’t want to.

If you like someone why play hard to get and give some other guy a chance to get to her first?

I am saddened only about the fact that we can’t be friends as we were even talking about dance lessons.

“You feel good, you feel bad, and these feelings are bubbling from your own unconsciousness, from your own past. Nobody is responsible except you. Nobody can make you angry, and nobody can make you happy.” – Osho

The Hospital Pharmacist.  The next morning following the date he texted to say he couldn’t wait to see me again, and how amazing we were together.  Then almost immediately he said that we are not going to work out because he can’t go to Brazil twice a year.   I said I would expect my partner would want to come at least once to meet my family but I never expect anyone to go every single time I went.

Then we spent the rest of day exchanging sweet texts.  The next morning he texts good morning and immediately proceeds to tell me that he is in a funk.  That he is confused about us.  He thinks we are going too fast.  That we shouldn’t see each other on Christmas Day.

I detected a pattern here and was trying to be extra calm and patient.  I told him not to stress himself out.  I pointed out that there was nothing going on.  We had one date and a couple of kisses.   I said we can go slow as you please.

Later on he said that we were still on for New Years Eve but that we shouldn’t go out but stay in my apartment, as people in the clubs were crazy on that night.  That was a bit presumptuous of him to assume that I would have him over to my apartment on the second date, but I didn’t say that to him as I could tell we would never get that far anyway.  What I did said to him was that that was the opposite of going slow.

“If pain must come, may it come quickly. Because I have a life to live, and I need to live it in the best way possible. If he has to make a choice, may he make it now. Then I will either wait for him or forget him.” – Paulo Coelho

He continued on alternating between wanting to see me and being stressed over it.  Of course by now I am losing interest and I am even scared as the word “bipolar” springs to mind.

Almost as if reading my mind he says:  You are right, I am acting bipolar. Again I mentioned that there is no need to stress and that he should set that pace.  He says we should set the pace together and that annoyed me because it has been all about him and what he is comfortable with.

At this point I sad: make up your mind.  That is when he pressed me if I wanted to see him New Years Eve.  By then I had had enough and I said no.   I said: You don’t know what you want, make up your mind, stop the games and let me know what you decide.

He got upset I said he is playing games and pretty much said goodbye.  He said he is not a man that play games.  Could have fooled me!

“The only reason we don’t open our hearts and minds to other people is that they trigger confusion in us that we don’t feel brave enough or sane enough to deal with. To the degree that we look clearly and compassionately at ourselves, we feel confident and fearless about looking into someone else’s eyes. ”- Pema Chodron

***

I could have easily played nice and continued seeing those 2 guys.   But why?  I am not about to convince a guy to see me when he seems to be want to be talked into a relationship.  I am not about to keep my mouth shut when I think that someone is incorrect and is not treating me fairly.

Lessons and blessings come to mind:

First I need to thank God for showing me people’s true colors before much heart, time and energy is spent.

Second, the realization that men play as much games as women, if not more is both frightening and eye opening.  The male species is not as upfront as I once thought.

Third, people are fickle.  Even when I think I know them, I really don’t.  It is easy to forget that when things click, and the hormones are bubbling up with so much chemistry.  Some love you today and hate you tomorrow with no rhyme or reason.

Fourth, don’t take people’s actions, confusions, and indecisions personally.  I am good enough, I am perfect!  The right person will see it, the wrong ones will be confused.

Last, I congratulate myself on protecting my heart and my body.  Bringing someone in my life and my apartment is my choice.  People can assume what they want.  I laugh a lot, I joke a lot, I flirt a lot, but that does not mean that the door is open to just anyone.

“Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.” – Rumi

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Some people deserve no chances

21 Monday Nov 2016

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating

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clueless-text

The above are texts that I received from the man from my last post: https://atomic-temporary-33385295.wpcomstaging.com/2016/11/18/is-anyone-deserving-of-a-3rd-4th-5th-chance/

The first text is when he sent me the email I talked about in that post.  The second one I received last night, after not replying to his text or email.

I was shocked to get such a text. He is clearly not the person I once thought he was. Why would he write such a text? What makes him think that such a text is okay?  We had one date!  We have never held hands, kissed, anything.

I am so disgusted by this text.  I even feel like changing my phone number.  I hope I don’t have to.  I hope I won’t ever hear from him again.

At the end of the day this episode shows me:

  1.  I have to stop being so trusting and always expecting the best of people.  I have to be even more cautious. Not everyone deserves a second or more chances.  Don’t give people a chance to continue failing you and hurting you!
  2. Sometimes we have to forgo niceties.  No everyone is deserving of politeness.  If being nice puts you in an awkward situation or sends someone the wrong message, don’t be nice! Put yourself first!
  3. When people show you who they are by the way they act, believe them!  Don’t get fooled by pretty words and empty promises.  Talk is cheap.  Believe actions!

I am so happy I followed my gut and everyone’s advice and never replied.  I was really tempted to write a nice polite email back.  Thank you all for helping me make the right decision.

“If you’re betrayed, release disappointment at once.
By that way, the bitterness has no time to take root.”
― Toba Beta

Is anyone deserving of a 3rd, 4th, 5th chance?

18 Friday Nov 2016

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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Out of the blue I receive a text from a man I had a date in the past.

He was telling me that he sent me an email and was eagerly waiting my reply.  Here is the email:

“Hello. I hope this e mail finds you well and getting ready for the holidays.

I’ve been thinking of you a lot these past few months, and came across our first e mail exchange. It brought back some memories, like that of our first date. Its hard (or not hard) to believe it was more than two years ago.

I realized, too, that we never got too far because I was not focused, nor ready to have you in my life.

Even more recently, I know I made contact with you but did not follow through. I know that made you angry and after I did not follow through with the planning of our date, you asked me not to contact you again.

After giving it a lot of thought, I want you to know that I have NOT EVER forgotten about you, was always extremely interested in you, and wanted you in my life. I still feel the same.

Ana, I want to see you again, see you regularly and see where we can take a relationship. I was unable previously to focus on you because I had not yet ended a relationship that wasn’t good, and needed to be ended, but lingered. I have also made some changes or modifications to my work life so I can have more leisure time, and also my business is now focused in Westchester County (where I believe you live still, New Rochelle?).

Ana, I come to you not knowing what is happening in your personal life-perhaps you’re married now, or whatever, but either way, I was not going to forgo contacting you to ask that you allow me to pursue you (court you? perhaps that’s better) again.

I know its short notice, but I have appointments in Westchester tomorrow and I would like to ask you if you would like to meet me for dinner. I have attached a picture of myself to jog your memory, but if you read the e mail threads, who I was (am) should come back to you.

I look forward to your response and hope it is a positive one. I might hope, too, that you are happy I came back to attempt to be in your life…

I realize I missed a great opportunity with you, Ana, and I would like to reclaim it, as well as a place in your heart.

Respectfully, Paul”

I am always willing to give people extra chances, but in this case I am just not willing to try again.  He has asked for chances before and has never followed through with his promises.

I canceled our first date.  After many email exchanges we were eager to meet each other, or so I thought.  On the afternoon of the date he says he can meet at 7 in a restaurant downtown (I am in Midtown).  He says he has a meeting there at 6 that ends at 7 and then he has a haircut at 8.  So he can meet me from 7 to 8.

I was shocked and told him that I didn’t appreciate being sandwiched between appointments.  Also he should have taken into account my location and he should be getting a haircut to meet me.  He offered to cancel the hair appointment and meet me Midtown, I declined.  The deed was done, and the moment was gone for me.

I am not sure how many times he canceled on me until we finally met.  And on that instance he was 30 minutes late.  I was about to leave.  The date was pleasant.  After that we had another date that he canceled because he had to take his dog to the vet.

I am not sure what happened after that, but I knew this was a person that I could not count on, and since he couldn’t be free for dates things fizzled.

I remembered he asking me to dinner a prior time when he was in my neck of woods and I ignored. And this time again it seems he is asking simply out of convenience, since he will be in Westchester anyway.

I don’t want to be convenient.  I want a man to go out of the way for me.

Although he was an interesting person and we had lots to talk about this is one time where I think that I should just let go and consider tried and done.

But here is my question:  Do I reply and say Thanks, but no thanks or do I just ignore it? Even though I want to treat people how I want to be treated which is I always want to be acknowledge and not ignored;  in this case I think I will choose silence.

“You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could’ve, would’ve happened… or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on.” -Tupac Shakur

 

How to spot a fake dating profile

27 Thursday Oct 2016

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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I often hear stories of women who lost a lot money on romance scams.  It is hard to understand how can someone start sending money to a person they never met.  I blame loneliness.  Some people are starving for a connection, others are starving to feel needed or loved.  That combined with how clever some con-artists are and all of a sudden you find yourself wiring money.  Don’t be fooled!

It is painful to realize after corresponding with someone for awhile that their profile is fake and you have no idea who you have been talking to for the last few weeks.   Some fakes are very easy to spot.  I actually think they are bot, computer generated.  But some are very clever and can trick anyone.

I have become very clever at spotting fakes, so here some tip, s that I picked up along the way, on how to spot a fake online dating profile.  Please note this is my experience and, of course, there are exceptions.  I always rather be safe than sorry, so whenever in doubt I block the person.

  • First and foremost always Google the pictures and the content of the profile.  I cannot stress this one enough.  Often it leads you to discover that the picture is from a model and that the profile has been repeatedly used by scammers.  Even if they are legit it may lead to getting additional information on the person and confirming if what they are telling you is true. Facebook helps a lot.  There was this one guy that I was talking to that seemed very nice but when I saw his Facebook page I was shocked!  It was full of angry outbursts against government, religion, minorities, etc.  That was enough for me to realize that person was not for me.
  • Never, ever, give anyone you never met your address or other sensitive personal information.  The right man will not pressure you to do anything you are not comfortable doing.  If he keeps pressuring you for anything, then he is not for you.
  • Never, ever, send anyone money or gifts.  If a man needs to ask me for money or gifts he is not somebody I want to be dating and neither should you.

Watch out  for:

  • Profiles that are too short and  barely contains any information.  Not only signals a fake profile, but if the person didn’t bother providing any information it shows to me his level of interest in actually dating someone.
  • Profiles with no pictures.  I don’t want to have my pictures out there, but it is the price I must pay to do online dating, so I expect others to do the same.  Profiles with no pictures normally have something to hide.  In my experience most are married.
  • Profiles that mention an abundance of the following words: honesty, God-fearing, family-man, true romance, gentleman, old-fashioned, fairy-tale, dream-come-true, etc. There is something wrong with someone that needs to tell you over and over how honorable they are.
  • Profiles that are very long but they don’t contain any real information about the person.  They just go on and on about romances and fairy-tales. If you Google part of it you will probably find the same words in many different profiles, and often connected to Romance Scams.
  • He says he works in the Military/Government profession and is stationed overseas.  So far I have never come across a legit one.
  • He says that  that he works in the OIL/Gas Industry (I am in the OIl/Gas industry, so there are indeed exceptions)
  • He is working in the Middle East or some other country but will be returning soon.  When someone gives me that line I just say: contact me when you are back.
  • He is a widower, wife died of cancer and he is caring for their child alone (or some other sob story).  I did meet a widower that was real and a great person, but most often they are fake.
  • He never answers any question directly.  Doesn’t provide any real information about himself.  He either asks too many personal questions or does not ask anything.  He just goes on and on on how God-fearing and family man he is.
  • He wants to take the conversation off line and off the dating site right away.  On the first message he already sends his email and phone number and/or asks for yours. (see me sample below*)
  • It is a third party contacting you.  An employee, a cousin, father, etc. contacts you on how perfect you are for their relative, friend, etc. Not only is fake, but who would want someone that cannot contact you himself?
  • He says is stationed/working overseas, but will be retiring soon and  is deciding on the city they will move to.  If they like you they hint they can move to your town.  This one is just too creepy for me.
  • His writing seems awkward. Hard to explain, but once you read you realize this person’s first language in not English and in the meantime they are telling you they were born in the US and have lived here their entire lives.
  • He is full of praise and compliments on how amazing you are.  If someone never met me and on the first email he is telling me I am a dream come true I run, and they go on and on it makes me run.  I am amazing indeed but he never met me.  So he is either a scammer or he is telling everyone he corresponds with how wonderful they are.  In either case he is not for me.
  • If you suspect he is not who he says he is then suggest meeting for coffee right away (you don’t have to go through with it if he says yes).  But every time I did that I got stories of how he is travelling on business or had to travel because of a sick parent.

*This is a sample of a fake profile message that I just received:

How are you doing ? i am new on here and you seem to have a very lovely picture and i must say you look beautiful and i wish to get to know you more , what do you seek on here ? looking for a true and long lasting partner ? i want same .. please write me at me personal email ‘’ alexschmidtkoiln atgmail i would be glad to get a Mail from you and would be sure to write you back . Thank you 

To me online dating is great, but “buyer beware”!  I play it safe.  I do my research and homework before meeting someone in person.     I follow my instincts but I don’t take chances.  And you should do the same!

Remember: If it seems to good to be true, then it probably is!

and on this note I have to run.  Catching a flight later on to Brazil. I am going to see my family and bring my mother back for a little stay.

Please forgive the typos and grammar errors, there is not time for editing.

 

What to wear to the ballet?

30 Friday Sep 2016

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 20 Comments

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“You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestation of your own blessings.” – Elizabeth Gilbert

I am trying to get back to my routine after my brother’s visit is over.  It is fun having guests but it is hard on my eating habits and exercise routine as I tend to indulge on everything my guests do or don’t do.  After they leave it takes me awhile to get back to my normal.

As a result I have accumulated some extras pounds.  I am not a fan of diets.  I think losing weight is easy, maintaining it is the real hurdle.  Also I cannot deal with feeling deprived.  If I resolve not to eat an item, that is all I crave.

I need to return to better eating habits.  Whatever I want whenever I want is translating into excess weight.  Chocolates, bread, cookies, ice cream on a daily basis is hardly a good diet.

I cannot blame it all on guests being here for 2 weeks.  A lot of my eating habits have to do with the way I handle stress.  I run to sugar. I am a big emotional eater.  I am sad I eat, I am happy I eat!

Anyway, I am not going to spend too much time beating a dead horse.  I need to change and soon! Admitting I have a problem is the first step.  I have a problem!  But who am I kidding?  I have already admitted I have a problem a long time ago.  Now it is time for action!

Speaking of stress, it is never ending lately.  Actually problems and challenges are a necessary part of life.  I just need to get better at handling them. It is indeed not what happens to me but how I react to it.

“If you want to conquer the anxiety of life, live in the moment, live in the breath.” -Amit Ray

Right now some of issues I am dealing with:

1. Broken car. My 29 year old car wouldn’t start. While I am at work now I have a tow truck coming to tow it to the mechanic. It feels weird letting that happen while I am not there. Remember I am a control freak.  I feel that I have a decision to make when it comes to this car.  It is a classic, but every time it needs repair it is extremely expensive since parts are not easily available.

2. Again there are issues with one of my rental apartments.  The problem now is with the cooling/heating system. There comes another repair bill.  Next year around July, when the contract with the tenant is over,  please remind me that I said I was going to sell that place.  Hit me if you have to!

3.  Meetings with immigration attorney to finalize my sister’s green card.  This process seems endless and the documentation required can be overwhelming.  There is also not so minor detail that finally after 32 years my identical twin sister and I will be dividing the same roof.   Even though we would die for each other,  if we are together for long we tend to become overcritical of each other.  That is how love is sometimes, you want the other person be the best that they can be and you think you know how that is achieved.

I do realize the blessing of problems and challenges.  They refine us, they provide us with the chance of becoming better people.  Some challenges makes us realize what is really important in life.  At the end of the day, what doesn’t kill us indeed make us stronger.

***

“When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are.”  -Donald Miller

Now I am resuming dating.  There is someone very interested, and that right there is the problem.  I realized that the worst thing that could happen is a guy showing me too much interest.  I feel like running away, and I immediately start looking for problems and for flaws in him.

What is my problem?  Fear of commitment?  Fear of getting hurt? Fear of settling for the wrong person?  Fear of hurting someone?

Or perhaps I just like the chase.  I like the challenge.   I don’t want to settle but at which point I manage my expectations and appreciate the great men I meet?

I do fear hurting him because I don’t know what I want and he seems so sure.  I figure I will give him complete honesty and that is the best I can do.  So I am being completely honest about my feelings.

I don’t want to give out too much information about him.  He is a classical musician, in his late fifties.  Everything about him seems great.  So why am I not that excited? Why am I so cautious?

“How much I missed, simply because I was afraid of missing it.”-Paulo Coelho

In the meantime I am exchanging emails with a much younger fake guy.  I know this guy is fake.  But like some fake guys in the past, I know they are fake and I keep going, playing along. Why am I investing time and energy into this losing proposition?  Perhaps I know the answer to that…they are safe to me, they require no commitment.

So that brings me to the question that is the title to this post, what should I wear to the ballet at Lincoln Center?  If I overdress it may scream of “first timer”, if I under-dress it may seem I am not appreciating the event and location.  I think the little black dress may be the right ticket here.

and lastly a word in defense of online dating.  Yes it can be a pain, with its share of losers and players, but so is real life.  One has to be safe and take precautions before meeting anyone, but at the end of the day I grateful for its availability, as I get to meet men from all walks of life that normally I would never bump to in my day to day.

“Not knowing when the dawn will come
I open every door.”  – Emily Dickinson

 

When people leave they do you a favor!

02 Saturday Apr 2016

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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I turned 50 years old on Monday and the world didn’t stop 🙂 Nothing really changed.   I am not feeling completely renewed or anything like that.  There was no huge celebration.  It was just another day.

I took the day off as I didn’t want to deal with my co-workers wishing me happy birthday.  That didn’t really work as I got all the birthday wishes and cupcakes the next day.  This was my sister’s birthday also (we are identical twins), so eventually we will be taking a big trip to celebrate.

I am promising myself to make 50 look like 25!! I want to really wake up for each day and embrace it.

***

As I mentioned before I have been taking a break from online dating, but I am already starting to get bored.  I know, I know that I could be doing many other things other than dating to cure my boredom, but the truth also is that I know my Prince is out there so I intend to look for him, or at least help him find me.

I am now trying to decide what online dating site I will try next.  I have tried E-Harmony and Plenty of Fish, and they both had good and bad points.  I am thinking of Match or perhaps Ourtime.  Any suggestions or recommendations?

***

Do you remember the doctor that I dated for awhile back last summer/fall?  When we dated I thought we would be perfect for each other.  We had similar ideas about a lot of things.  I thought he was incredible.  We were seeing each other twice a week, then he disappeared for a month.  Later he started texting again every now and then.  I kept an open mind but as time passed  and he remained mostly silent I lost interest.

I had not seen him for months but still every time he texted I replied because I still think he would be a cool friend.  On Tuesday when he texted I mentioned my birthday the day before and he wanted to take me out to dinner to celebrate.  I said yes.

It was awesome!  Amazing restaurant, amazing food and drink, but the best part for me was having the confirmation that I have zero interest in him romantically.  At the end of the evening I let him kiss me goodnight and I felt nothing.

At one point during dinner I asked him:  How is your dating life?  He said:  You are not allowed to ask that.  I started laughing.  For many reasons:  First because I remember asking him that same question before and getting the same answer,  second because I believe I can ask whatever I want, and last because the question was meaningless to me,  it was just a conversation topic for me as we were both catching up on each other’s lives.  It would have not made a difference what the answer was.  I thought it was funny that the thought I would care.  I also found him distasteful.

I felt so blessed at that moment.  I felt blessed that the answer (or non-answer) that at one point in the past hurt me, now made me laugh.  In the past when he refused to answer I thought he was actively dating other people and I felt hurt and a bit betrayed.

I guess he thinks that I am still interested in him romantically.  Now I have to decide what to do when he asks me out again, as I know he will.  I want to go as friends, but I could tell that he probably thinks that we can pick up where we left off.  We can’t!  That ship has sailed.   The moment is gone. I guess I will cross that bridge when I get to it, and will exercise honesty always!

I love realizing that his disappearing act was a blessing. It was the needed break that was instrumental in my realizing that he is not for me.  I was infatuated with him and everything that he has accomplished and I had let that blind me.  What a mistake it would have been if things had become serious between us.

For awhile when he disappeared I felt like contacting him.  But then I realized gracefully that things and people are removed from our lives for a reason.  Sometimes is for us to appreciate them more, other times for us to realize we don’t need them at all, and we are deserving of more.  In this case it was the latter.

Wishing everyone a blessed weekend!  May you notice all the little miracles around you!

It is in his kiss, or is it?

01 Tuesday Dec 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating

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The doctor is history! He is still around and will call/text every now and then, but when over a month goes by and I am not asked on a date no one needs to draw me a picture – he is just not that interested. It is perfectly fine. I always felt I appreciated more the conversations than anything else. I am hoping that we can still be friends, but I am tired of being the one to make the first move always, so this friendship may die a quiet slow death as I decided not get in touch anymore.  I knew that I could never have anything long-lasting with someone that thinks that sugar is the devil. Sugar is not friend but it doesn’t have to be the enemy either! 🙂

As I mentioned previously I decided to quit online dating for awhile. It was becoming like work and not fun anymore, so I figure a break was in order. On the final days of my e-Harmony subscription I decided to email MF. I never contact anyone, I always wait for them to contact me, but since I was quitting anyway I figure I would take this leap and contact him. MF is 47 but looks extremely young for his age. He did show me his driver’s license so I confirmed his age.

He replied and we hit of immediately. For over 2 weeks we spoke daily on the phone for many hours (we still do). Some evenings we spoke for as long as 3 hours. We bonded over Seinfeld and our gratitude for life, among other things. The longer we talked and as the days went the expectation was building up. Finally last Thursday we met in person.  The chemistry we had on the phone was also there in person.  He was every bit the sweet gentleman I expected.  We were immediately comfortable with one another. He was a bit nervous and it was cute to see that.

On Saturday we had another date. We went to a Brazilian Steakhouse and we both overate. It is impossible to go to one of those and not overeat. Afterwards, it was still early, so he asked me what I wanted to do. I decided that we should just return to my apartment and watch a movie. I trust him.  He actually he came over the first night I met him. Please keep in mind that I do not advise anyone inviting anyone over after just one meeting, but in this case I felt very safe and comfortable in doing that.  I knew nothing was going to happen.

We got to my apartment and I put a movie on Netflix.  After after about 20 minutes  I fell asleep. He was left to watch the movie by himself.  When the movie ended he woke me up to say good bye and close the door.

He mentioned to me yesterday that he doesn’t quite know what to make of my falling asleep on the date. He said he is looking at the positive side that I am very comfortable with him, instead of thinking he is so boring he put me to sleep.

I am not over thinking that one. I am sure worst things have happened on first dates.  It was a heavy dinner and I had a cocktail.  I also was tired from all our late nights on the phone.

What I am right now is extremely confused. On one hand I found someone exactly as I have been asking God to send me. He is gentle, caring, responsible, and honest. He is interested, willing and able. He wants to travel and do things. He is not too young or too old.

On the other hand I am not sure what I want. He is everything I thought I wanted and now he is here and I just don’t know.  I know I am extremely comfortable and happy with my single life, but I think life is better as a couple.  I keep dreaming of finding a partner and now he is here.  Is he the one?

He seems to like me a bit too much. It seems that I could do no wrong in his eyes. No one wants what is too easy, too simple, too available.  Do I want only who doesn’t want me? Is that a self defense mechanism?

He is so much like me. He is open and forthcoming with everything. He has no problems talking about his feelings, needs and wants. He has no problems divulging everything about his life. I have met my match and now what?

I have been honest with him and told him how I feel and, not surprisingly, he was extremely understanding. He said we should take it easy and take a day at a time and if friendship is all that I want he will be happy to have that as he thinks I am a real cool person.

So, what is my issue? Fear? I fear using him, hurting him. I fear settling.  I guess I am not as fearless as I thought.

Also, and perhaps this is the real crux of the matter: I didn’t care for his kiss.  I have not been honest with him about that.  He didn’t ask, so I didn’t volunteer.  How can you tell someone that their kiss is not what you expected and hoped for it?

I am not saying he doesn’t know how to kiss. He just doesn’t know enough to my liking. It felt hurried, and too much, but not in a good way. It seemed he was trying too hard, not natural. Should I hurt his feelings and tell him that? Men have such fragile egos. He is extremely nice and kind and the last thing I want to do is hurt him or offend him. But kissing is extremely important to me.  I cannot imagine being with someone that I don’t care to kiss.

These are the questions I have:

  • Is there a way that I can gently tell him that his kissing is sub-par?
  • Can I teach him how to kiss? Can I do it without offending him?
  • Can the kissing get better? Can you turn a bad kiss into a bad kisser into a good kisser?
  • Was he just nervous?
  • Does he think that that was a good kiss?
  • What about me? I think I am such a great kisser, but what if I am not? How does one know?
  • If this is how he kisses, how will the rest be? Do I even want to find out?
  • Is bad kissing a reason to break up with someone?

Perhaps finding an issue with his kiss is my way of finding a reason to break up with him, and continue to be single and free?

“I have found men who didn’t know how to kiss. I’ve always found time to teach them.” ― Mae West

Fast car, Slow speech, Cheap date: No Future!

14 Friday Aug 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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C360_2015-07-12-17-16-29-494

 

“By seeking and blundering we learn.” ― Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

This is how I ended my last post (when mentioning a date for that night):

“He is a well respected children’s librarian.  How bad can he be?  Don’t answer that! Lol”

Well, the answer is:  It was really good and then really bad!

It is amazing how it can go from great to insane in one day.

At his insistence we went to a very expensive restaurant in New York City.  I mentioned it was not necessary and that he should choose a less expensive place, but he insisted and said that I could pay for the drinks if it would make me feel better about it.  I agreed.

We spent over 2 hours at the restaurant.  Conversation flowed.  He seemed honest and caring.  At the end of the evening I felt so comfortable with him that I accepted his offer to drive me home.  It was out of his way but he said it would give us a chance to talk more.  I think he wanted to show off his car, a brand new Porsche Macan.  While I don’t care about material things, especially cars, I couldn’t help but love the red leather interior.  I love red leather anything!

The drive home was fast and fun.  He held my hand and it felt natural and comfortable. It all seemed just perfect. When we got to my building he walked me to the entrance and kissed me on the cheek. Ten minutes later he called me from the car to say that he would like to see me again.  He also asked me to give him one month to get to know him; he asked that I did not date other people during that one month so that he would have my undivided attention.  I said I would think about it, but, really, I was okay with that.

I was very excited about this date.  He seemed very smart, with good job that he loved, a respected professional, handsome (which is surprising because I normally don’t go for handsome).  I saw and felt potential.

The next day (Friday) he texted me to say he really enjoyed meeting me the night before and to invite me to go hiking on Sunday.  I loved the idea! I said I would call him after work to discuss the details.

I called him around 7pm.  What happened next is very hard to find the words to describe:  The phone rang, he picked up but there was no Hello, there was what it seemed like a conversation in a very slurred voice going on in the background.  At first I thought that perhaps he didn’t realize he answered the phone and the TV was on.  I kept listening and trying to make sense of whatever I was hearing, which seemed to be a far away mumbling voice.  After awhile I said hello again, a bit louder and firmer this time.  Then I heard something like:  I am fine but just feeling a bit discombobulated.  I said: excuse?  At this point I told him that I thought something was wrong with my phone and asked him to speak louder.  He did speak louder and now there was a bit less slurring, but instead of having a conversation he immediately launched into a monologue about Winston Churchill and the war.  He kept talking and talking, and I was thinking to myself, is this guy drunk or on drugs, and how I can get out of this.

At this point I knew in my gut that there was no future in this relationship. Well I actually knew it when he first picked up the phone.

Finally I was able to get a break in the monologue and I asked: Is this a book you are reading?  He said it was a documentary.  After he talked about Churchill some more, I asked another question and we actually started having a conversation.

As time went on, his speech seemed to get better. After telling me how he enjoyed meeting me, he started talking about this one month of dating that he had in mind.  He said: “We need to talk about the dates.  If we are seeing each other for one month, about 2 dates a week that will be at least 8 dates, how do you want to do it?”

Even though I had already decided not to see him again, I asked:  Do what?  He then says:  “Who pays for what?  I pay for one date, you pay for the next?”

I was floored!  I don’t mind paying for things, but for a man to ask something like that after one date it seems in very poor taste.  If he cannot afford a second date, then he shouldn’t be dating.  I said I had never been asked that before so I didn’t know what to say.   He went on and on how that was the fair thing to do and it is best to get money issues out of the way.  He said I am his first date in over 2 ½ years and that the previous girlfriend spent over 10K of his money.

There was a lot conversation about money and dating, with him trying to make me understand where he was coming from and with me telling him that I was not his ex-girlfriend.  At one point I offered to write him a check for my part of the dinner the night before.  I also reminded him that I didn’t want to go to an expensive place in the first place (to which he said he wanted it to be memorable and wanted it to become “our” place).  I also reminded him that I had gladly paid for the drinks.

At some point he started backpedaling and telling me to forget about this issue of paying for dates.  He said that we should just meet and see where it goes. I told him I was going to think about it all and call him in the morning.  I already knew where I stood but I knew that he would continue to try to convince me otherwise.  We said good bye and hung up, but 10 minutes later he started texting me.  One of the many things that he mentioned in the texts was that he would pack sandwiches of peanut butter and jelly for Sunday so that we wouldn’t have to worry about paying for lunch.  I told him that he was missing the point.  To get him to stop with the texting I again said he needed to give me time to think about it.

Finally when he continues with the texting I just tell him the answer is no.  No to the hiking and no to seeing him again. Then he starts calling me.  I didn’t answer.   On the 4th call he left me a voice mail breaking up with me.   Yes, he broke up with me! 🙂

I have never been so relieved about being broken up with! He said I have issues with money, and that even though I was a great person and he would love to see me again, the money issues were too much. He went on and on about both, how great I am and how I have issues with money.

I don’t want to go in detail to protect his privacy but he had mentioned needing to go to therapy and taking antidepressants at some point in the past.  I was a bit alarmed by that but I appreciated his honesty and openness.  I also liked that he gotten help when he needed.  I am now assuming he is still taking antidepressants and perhaps on Friday, his day off from work, he took one too many.   Whatever the issue maybe I feel sorry for him because it seems he definitely has an issue that needs to be addressed.   I also feel that even though he seems like he is taking steps to protect himself, he seems primed to be taken advantage of again.

After being spoiled with mostly normal to great online dates I now have had 2 doozies.  They both had issues that I am not willing to handle.  I am feeling so blessed that I got to discover those issues right away, before I started trusting and liking them and let my guard down.

Perhaps I am the one with issues as I am still not giving up online dating.  More mistakes made.  More lessons learned.  More stories to tell and write about.

“Nowadays most people die of a sort of creeping common sense, and discover when it is too late that the only things one never regrets are one’s mistakes.” ― Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

***

On a good note, I am right now waiting for delivery of my new mattress. Yippie!!!  All I need now is the boyfriend! 🙂

Date or Nightmare?

06 Thursday Aug 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating

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Do you know what happened when I let down my guard for one second?  I had the date from hell!

I normally don’t take long to decide to go on a date with someone, but by the time I set a date I already know a lot about him, as I am the queen of Googling and finding information about people.  This time I didn’t bother doing any research.  We spoke on the phone and he seemed okay.  I figured there would be no harm in meeting him for lunch on a Sunday a couple of blocks from my home.

He seemed very secure and very accomplished so I was curious about him.  The date started okay.  Before I got to the restaurant he spoke to the chef and pre-ordered a few small plates.  He said he didn’t want to waste our time together reading the menu.  The problem with that is that he continued to remind me throughout the date how nice and considerate he was by doing that.  Right away upon meeting him I asked to see a picture of his daughters.  He showed me pictures and a video of the youngest, a 4 year old.  He found at least 2 women to have kids with – That is a crazy thought after what I have seen!

He kept listing his accomplishments and knowledge.  He was indeed knowledgeable, but really accomplished people don’t have the need to flaunt it.  I also had to hear countless times about his antique yacht, antique Ferrari, and all other antiques he owned.  He said no women (or man for that matter) could ever intrigue him or teach him anything because he knows everything – yes, he did say that more than once.  Still I continued to sit there and listen with an open mind.  I kept hoping that eventually we would start talking about something more interesting than himself (perhaps me –  Lol) .

I kept thinking that perhaps he was just a tad eccentric and not a total jerk.  Some people are so intelligent that they are a little lost in social situations and seem a little disconnected with reality.  I was willing to give him that.  I knew we had no future but still I was still trying to keep an open mind and was looking for the lesson.  I am all about learning.  Can he teach me something?  Well he taught me to be more careful next time and to follow my instincts.

He mentioned how beautiful and sexy I was but that was the extent of his interest in me or whatever I had to say.  Don’t read too much into him finding me pretty, he also mentioned he was handsome and there was nothing handsome about him.  Anyway, who says out loud that they find themselves handsome?

He was already planning the 2nd date:  kayaking near his home and 3rd: a seafood meal in City Island (a small island not far from my home).

Still he seemed considerate to the staff in the beginning.  Later he complained that they had lowered the AC and raised the music in an effort to get us to leave.  That is when I said we should leave because I felt he was going to actually make a big deal of that.

As we were walking in my neighborhood towards my front door he kept pointing out some issues with the design of some Mercedes tires and disks (yes, among many specialties he is also a specialist in Mercedes).  While pointing at a car, a man standing next to it asked him if there was something wrong with the car.  I didn’t find a problem with the question or tone of it.  I too would be curious if someone was standing next to my car and pointing at it.  My date took issue with the question, he said: Why, are you the owner? His tone was rude and confrontational.  I shrank.  The man said no.  He proceeded to say that the guy was clearly lying and that he was the owner.  I made sure to keep walking so he had no choice but to walk away with me, pointing out to me that that is one of problems with the US, liars like that man.

At that moment I decided I was never going to see this man again (I was willing to put up with a know it all, but I draw the line at rudeness and lack of social skills and social awareness)

I should have said good bye at that point, but no, instead I continued to go and show him my favorite fruit store.  From there we walked a block to my apartment.  Here is another big mistake: When we stopped at the entrance door to my building I blurred out that I wanted to go across the street to the dollar store to get a folding chair.

So we crossed the street and went there.   The usual store keepers weren’t there and the ones that were there were a bit confused.  They kept tried telling me what kind of chair I wanted.  I told them that the chair I wanted was not on the floor and needed to be retrieved from upstairs.  I am the world’s most impatient person but still that didn’t bother me.   But my date kept getting increasingly upset.

Finally they bring the chair I want down, but now the problem is they don’t know the price.  I tell them I paid $10.00, but they say they still need to call the boss.  I am okay with that, perhaps is cheaper than that.   My date is going crazy at this time.

He starts telling me that now they are not only wasting my time but they are also calling me a liar.  I am not answering him or engaging him and that’s when he turns to the young man behind the counter and asks him why all the merchandise don’t have prices on and if he understand that that is illegal.  Whatever answer the guy gave him was not good enough.  Now he is telling him that he is a professor of Finance and he knows more about that subject than him.  When the man tries to interject and say something my date became furious.  He then says the guy was rude and should not talk to him like an equal as they are not equal and he is at a much higher level.  How dare him talk to him like they are on the same level, and it kept escalating. At one point he called the man an animal.

I was shocked, I froze.  I couldn’t believe I was listening to those words.  At this point I felt like I was on that TV show: “What would you do?” and I am ashamed to say that I have failed.  When I watch the show I always like to believe that I am going to be the person that is going to speak up and defend others.  I didn’t!  All I wanted was to get out and not let the situation get any worst.

At that point I just walk out and he follows me continue to spew his indignation, he kept going on and on on how he is going to report that store.; how he is going to make phone calls and close it down.  How he knows the governor and they all know him.  He says that he will write a letter and that in less than 2 months that store, and all others affiliated will be closed.

I still cannot believe what just transpired, well, it is still transpiring, because he is still talking.  I am thinking of how I can escape, so finally I cut him off and I just say good bye.   He leaves telling me he is going to call me to schedule the second date.

I am relieved and run inside. Was that just a dream?  I mean, nightmare.

I am embarrassed and wished I had behaved differently.  The man behind the counter in the store was an immigrant like me; so it is an additional reason why I should have stood up for him.  I should have said to my date how delusional he was being.  Still I am not sure if I would do things differently next time.  I think he has serious mental issues that need to be addressed and I am not qualified to do it.

I didn’t go back to the store yet.  I still want the chair.  Perhaps I should tell them that I have no idea who that guy was and that he just followed me in. 🙂

That experience was surreal, scary, and served as an eye-opener.  All my dates are mostly nice normal men so I was starting to get careless about doing my homework before meeting someone.  I actually considered never doing online dating again.  That thought lasted a total of 5 minutes.  I realized that there are jerks everywhere.  I realized I am blessed for having seen this man’s  true colors right away.

Right now I am getting ready for a date that sounds amazing.  I know everything about him.  He is a well respected children’s librarian.  How bad can he be?  Don’t answer that! lol