Tag Archives: breaking up

The art of restraint

14 Saturday Feb 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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“You build walls to fortify your heart,
and blame on others for your loneliness.”
― Toba Beta, Master of Stupidity

I stepped away from a relationship with the guy mentioned in the previous post.  It was too much, too soon and I just felt closed in.  He agrees with some of the readers here that I should see a therapist to help me sort out my feelings.  He, and my friends here, are probably right but for now I will stay put and will continue following my heart and trying to figure things out on my own.  Stubborn is my middle name!

He agreed to just be friends for now, even though he says he hopes I will change my mind. Unfortunately this Aries never changes her mind!  There is a first time for everything but I would not hold my breath if I were him.

***

So back to the dating pool:

This guy from E-harmony calls me.  It is the first time we are speaking.  We had only gone through the questions on the site, so we didn’t really have much information on each other.  I imagine this phone call would be a good way to get a lot information about each other without wasting too much time on back and forth emails.

For the first time ever I don’t monopolize the conversation.  I normally have so much to say that I keep cutting people off – I am not proud of that and I continuously work on being able to listen without interrupting.  I am super proud of myself because I am actually allowing this guy to talk.

Unfortunately for over 30 minutes all he did was complain about his last girlfriend.  He went on and on how she didn’t show her true self until months into the relationship, so he felt betrayed, etc, etc.

I wanted to be polite and thought he just needed to vent so I let him keep going.  I also knew that he was only accomplishing one thing:  Turning me completely off!  I managed to say a few words here and there to try be a part of the conversation but 90% of the talking was done by him.

I think at some point he realized he was talking too much because he said: “I am going to let you talk”, but he proceeded to talk anyway.  At this point I am thinking to myself: Should I point out to him that this is not the best way to talk to a prospective date?  I didn’t.  I sensed he would not welcome constructive criticism, and honestly I felt I didn’t have the energy to point out the error of his ways.  He had already lost me by now.

“I pay no attention whatever to anybody’s praise or blame. I simply follow my own feelings.” ― Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

He finally stops talking about the ex-girlfriends (yes, plural! he mentioned another one that he felt wasn’t honest with him either). I am thinking that perhaps now he will ask me questions, something to get to know me.  He did ask me a question:

“Do you think you are interested in me?”

“I don’t know!  I know nothing about you and we didn’t even meet in person”, I said.

He says: “But we have been talking on the phone for 30 minutes, that should give you an idea”

I said:  “The idea that I get from our 30 minutes conversation is that you really don’t like your ex-girlfriends and feel they tricked you.  We have not talked about us, about our likes, dislikes, plans for the future, etc. You have not asked me anything, and I didn’t have a chance to ask you anything.”

I guess he didn’t like my answer because he then starts telling me that he can tell a lot from the way a person talks, by the velocity of the speech, by how loud or soft someone speaks. He then said I speak too fast, too loud and too aggressive on the phone. He also said that I didn’t make him feel good about himself. He said that women should have a softer welcoming tone of voice, and be more agreeable specially when meeting a man for the first time”.

I so wanted to lash out and say: “It is not that I am aggressive, the problem is that you are too weak to deal with an assertive woman.  It is not my job to make you feel good about yourself! Perhaps you should work on making yourself feel good first and then date.  I am not here to validate you and make you feel like a man”

“To avoid criticism say nothing, do nothing, be nothing.” ― Aristotle

But I didn’t!  What would be the point?

At this point I am congratulating myself on my restraint. Before the break-up, before Kabbalah, before the many self-help books, before years of writing this blog, before age and experience, I would not have listened quietly to that.  I would have let that affect me personally.  That criticism would cut like a knife and I would end up saying exactly what I thought of him.

But not now, not anymore.  I have to be honest and say that for a second, for a brief second, I thought to myself: is he right about this?  Then I decided to take that stupid notion out of my mind. He is entitled to feel whatever he feels, but that doesn’t make it true. I have never been accused of being aggressive, even when disagreeing with someone I do it kindly.  I do speak fast and somewhat loud, but I am a Brazilian New Yorker, so that is a given.  However most men tell me they find my voice and accent sexy.

So I listened to everything in complete silence.  He went on and on, and if I hadn’t put a stop to it he would probably have gone another 30 minutes on how bad I sound on the phone.  Finally I just said: “I agree we are not a match.  Best of luck to you!” and I hung up.

What saddens me a bit is that I try to leave people and places better than I found them but in this case I knew it was a losing battle. It was like talking to a wall the two times I tried to say something. He had his opinion formed about the ex-girlfriends and about myself.

“When restraint and courtesy are added to strength, the latter becomes irresistible.” –Mahatma Gandhi

At the end of the day I am happy with myself because I see progress.  I have been able to let someone monopolize the conversation without interruption.  I have been able to not react and “fight back”. Most important I found out that:

  1. Sometimes the best thing to say is nothing at all
  2. I no longer need to always point out the obvious
  3. I don’t need to have the last word
  4. I don’t need to prove I am right
  5. I don’t need to justify myself
  6. I don’t need to please everyone
  7. I don’t need to be understood by all
  8. It is enough to know that I am true to myself and I speak my truth
  9. It  is enough to know that my heart is in the right place

Some people will love me, some will hate me, some will try to pick me apart, but that is a cost I am happy to pay for the honor and right of being myself and not attempt to change to fit in.

“Diplomacy is the art of telling people to go to hell in such a way that they ask for directions.” ― Winston S. Churchill

Miss Fearless is Terrified!

29 Thursday Jan 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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“I love, because my love is not dependent on the object of love. My love is dependent on my state of being. So whether the other person changes, becomes different, friend turns into a foe, does not matter, because my love was never dependent on the other person. My love is my state of being. I simply love.” ― Osho

This post was going to be totally different.  I was going to tell you about a great guy that I was dating.  I was going to tell you how this guy seemed to be the one; how everything felt so right.

This post now is about breaking up with a guy that seemed perfect for me.

He is still a great guy, he is still interested in a relationship, but all of a sudden, one day, I wake up and it seems too much too soon. I had to run, I had to escape!  The truth is I am scared!  I guess I am not as fearless as I thought I was.  I am scared and not sure of what.  I am terrified of falling in love!  I don’t think I am ready to be that vulnerable again.   I actually don’t think I fear getting hurt,  I fear hurting somebody else.

I have been the queen of first dates.  I have gone on more than 1 date with the same person only a few times, such as with the Jewelry Designer and the Math Professor. Insisting on something that doesn’t feel quite right from the beginning never works for me.  The amazing conversations and the romantic restaurants weren’t enough for me to ignore the lack of chemistry.

“Some old wounds never truly heal, and bleed again at the slightest word.”― George R.R. Martin, A Game of Thrones

I have been searching for love for the past few years, all of sudden there is a glimmer of hope.  There comes this guy that makes me feel excited.  There was something about him that first attracted me, and perhaps that very same unknown thing is what now scares me.

I realized that all the meaningless dates before, even though there were some great ones, they were non-threatening, because I didn’t really feel anything.  They didn’t threaten my independence and the safety of my single-hood.

The moment I realized that I liked him and he liked me back  I started looking for flaws, for reasons to disqualify him as a potential long term boyfriend. There is chemistry, he is a great guy, has a great job, family oriented, has a cool hobby, good family, a son in college, no crazy ex-wife, is kind to animals, adores me and still that is no enough for me.

From the moment we started talking we both felt that we had a special connection. It felt special! I knew it!  He knew it! He talked about the same feelings I was feeling.  It was refreshing to hear a man so open with his feelings.

flowers

He brought me the flowers on the above picture. It was one big vase, but I split in 3 so that I have a vase in each room.  Granted he didn’t buy them (he works on TV and they were props on a live daily TV show) but I give him credit for being honest where they came from and for carrying that heavy vase to my door.  I have to mention that he also drove over one and a half hours to see me every time. It was always about what I wanted.  Perhaps he is too nice and therefore too easy, no one wants what is easy.

As we continued to see each other I began to feel overwhelmed and trapped.  All of a sudden I felt this longing and sadness over not ever going on a first date again.  I am probably the only crazy person out there that enjoys the excitement of a first date.

This guy is threatening to my life as it is.  I claim I want love but perhaps I don’t want to change anything.  I am used to my life now.  Perhaps I just want to go on a nice date every now and then, with no attachments, no commitments.

So today I broke things off, I tried the old: “it is me, not you” line, because in this case it is true.  He has been nothing but a gentleman, kind and considerate, doing whatever I please, but still I feel that is what I must do at this point.  I don’t want to hurt him and I feel that I would end up doing that. My main fear is to be dragging this relationship on while I have doubts and let him fall more for me and end up hurting him.  Worst than getting hurt is hurting someone else!

 “The purpose of fear is to raise your awareness not to stop your progress.”― Steve Maraboli

I also wanted to make sure I broke up before Valentine’s Day because I am sure he would buy me a gift and do something special and I would be forever guilty. I hate feeling I am taking advantage of anyone.

He was disappointed and tried to talk me out of it, but at this point there is no going back on my decision.  He doesn’t understand why I want to stop seeing him if everything is going well. I don’t think it is a matter of want but of need.  I feel I need to stop it.  Let me return to my string of one-dates, something I have mastered and know well.  Something that is non-threatening and leaves all my options open.

At the end of the day I am still trying to figure it out what all this means.  I don’t have all the answers…well, clearly I have no answers!  Is it my heart telling me he is just not the one? Is it still too soon to try to love again?  Am I, deep down inside, fearful of being cheated on again?  Am I dumping him before he dumps me?  Am I afraid of making the wrong choice?  Is fear of getting hurt preventing from giving myself 100% to another person?

“Nobody can hurt me without my permission.” ― Mahatma Gandhi

The problem with online dating is that is just too easy to get a date, there is always an option, so why settle? What if I settle with the wrong guy and the right guy comes along?

I need to stop over-thinking.  I decided to continue following my heart even when it does not make sense, such as now.  As long as I continue to be honest with myself and with the people I am dating all will be okay.

There is a reason why I am breaking things off.  I don’t know what that reason is right at this moment but eventually I will know.  For now I just need to know that that is what my heart wants and what I need.

I do feel extremely guilty by disappointing this guy. I do feel I actually did him a favor.  He is now free to meet the right person for him.

Nothing like a boyfriend to make me realize how awesome being single is!!

“Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second’s encounter with God and with eternity.”― Paulo Coelho, Alchemist

 

Fresh Baked Scones with Coffee = my idea of heaven!

24 Tuesday Jul 2012

Posted by in Food

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I don’t want to seem like a hypocrite for having a post one day acknowledging my need to quit the bad relationship I have with sugar and in the very next post I am publishing a recipe for scones. But welcome to my ambivalent life, and for that I will not make any excuses!  I am a work in progress! I have the best intentions but I don’t always remain on track, sometimes I veer off of it greatly.

I also reserve the right to change my mind.  I am still too much in love with sugar to just quit it.  So, for now I am still in the “fooling myself” phase regarding sugar, thinking that I can have it in small quantities.  I still want to try to be friends with sugar, since the idea of not having it in my life is too daunting.  This is a case where I need to take baby steps.

So yesterday (Sunday) I was up very early, which is the norm lately since I cannot seem to sleep a whole night anymore, and  I felt like treating myself.  Why?  no special reason (well, truth be told, I feel like treating myself everyday!)

So after a couple of minutes on Google I came across the recipe below from Food.com.  It was one of the easiest things I have ever baked.  They came out unbelievably delicious, better than from any bakery.

The picture below doesn’t do justice at how great they looked and tasted.  If you like scones or want to impress a special someone, try it you/they will love.

I made it as the recipe as directed, but I am sure you can make a healthier version by substituting the white flour with whole wheat flour,  butter with yogurt spread and sugar with agave.  I am going to try making those substitutions next time and see how it comes out.

2 cups flour

1/3 cup sugar

2 teaspoons baking powder

1/4 teaspoon salt

6 tablespoons cold butter cut up

1/2 cup cranberries, chopped

1/3 cup raisins

1/2 cup milk

1 large egg

1 tablespoon sugar

Directions:

1. Heat oven to 425 degrees Fahrenheit.

2. Grease a cookie sheet.

3. Mix flour, 1/3 cup sugar, baking powder, and salt.

4. Cut in butter until fine crumbs; food processor is best.

5. Place in large bowl; add cranberries and raisins.

6. Beat milk and egg with a fork.

7. Add milk and egg mixture to flour mixture; stir with fork until moistened.

8. Drop by 12 heaping spoonfuls, 2 inches apart onto prepared baking sheet.

9. Sprinkle with the 1 Tablespoon sugar.

10. Bake 13 minutes or until golden.

11. Cool on rack.

Is sugar my new Ex? Am I looking for love in desserts?

21 Saturday Jul 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me, Food

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The 101st post should symbolize the beginning of a new and better chapter. But as someone once said: “the more things change the more they remain the same”.

All of a sudden it seems I am back to trying to forget a love, a love so deep that it seems more like a need, like water and air.  It seems life won’t be the same without it.  At least not as sweet.

I haven’t really realized the dis-functionality of my relationship with sugar until recently.  I have always known I have a sweet tooth, but lately it is out of control.  I am sitting in the train on the way home from work and I just inhaled a lemon square bar before the train even leaves the station. And that is after having a cupcake at work.  No, not any little cupcake, Crumbs cupcake, which is probably 1,000 calories each!

Did I need that?  Was I hungry? Do I really love lemon squares? No, no and no!   I didn’t need it and I was not hungry.  I wouldn’t give a lemon square a second look were not for the fact that I quit chocolate months ago.  Since giving up chocolate I have learned to eat sweets I have never touched before, such as gummy bears and peanut butter. All of a sudden I don’t discriminate, all sugars are welcome.  I am not proud of that! I know very well that I am replacing one addiction with another.

How do I feel now? Certainly not happy!  The happy feeling disappeared almost as immediately as the lemon square did. I feel lousy and nauseous! I think it is high time that I face the fact that I am addicted to sugar!

Hi, My name is A. and I am a sugar addict!

I knew I was addicted to chocolate and one day last year, well on November 4th 2011 to be exact (http://atomic-temporary-33385295.wpcomstaging.com/2012/05/19/bye-bye-chocolate-see-you-soon/) I promised myself to stop eating chocolate for one year.  I am happy and proud to say that I haven’t broke that promise. I have not touched any kind of chocolate in any way, shape or form.

That makes it clear that I have some will power – chocolate is absolutely my favorite food in the world.  Quitting sugar, however, even if only for a day, is not that simple.  Sugar is a too broad a category to quit.

The past 8 months without chocolate hasn’t been that easy, but it hasn’t been that terrible either, except for this week.  This week all I think about from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed is chocolate and sweets. Some of my friends asked me if I am about to get my period.  No, I am not! I cannot use that excuse! Then another very smart friend said: you are missing F (F is for friend, the new friend that populates my imagination and heart.  The friend that tucks me in bed every night with his voice).  I think she has a point!

I haven’t been able to talk to my friend every night and I miss him. I miss the joy that his voice brings me.  I have been suffering best friend withdrawal.

Gosh, what does that say about me? My need to always have comfort and joy. Am I a needy hedonist? Am I trying to silence some emotional need with sugar and people?

I had promised myself that next time I had a huge craving for sugar I would stop and take a few deep breaths, say a prayer, meditate, anything that would make me stop and think.  Did I do that? NO.  I didn’t think of it. There appears to be no time between the want and the action.

Well, if it is any consolation I am happy I didn’t eat the other lemon square.  Yes, I bought two!!  I am also happy that, unlike in the past,  I am not considering that the day is over and now making a mental list of what else bad I can eat.  Yes I am going to give myself credit for that.  I am going to be nice and forgive myself whenever I can, that is my new attitude.

I also don’t want to think of food as bad and good, that will just make me crave the forbidden ones. I don’t want to make sugar the bad guy.  I like sugar too much for that!

Now I crave salt, perhaps to counter balance the sweetness of the lemon square. I am sitting next to a huge guy, eating a huge bag of popcorn, the smell is killing me.  I am dying for some. I want to just snag the bag from him.  He is clearly on the way to eating the whole bag and he certainly doesn’t need to eat the whole bag, he can barely fit in the seat.  Stop! Stop! Stop judging people, I tell myself! You don’t know what his issues are.  Focus on your own issues and let others be!

After I scold myself, I let go of the thoughts of popcorn and try to focus on  the whys of my sugar needs.

Perhaps I can blame my sugar obsession on my parents.  Every time my sister and I cried we had a pacifier coated with sugar placed into our mouths. So, the association of sugar and love goes way back.  But I am choosing a life of no blame, more acceptance and gratitude. My parents did the best they could with the tools they had. I owe my parents respect and gratitude, and I treat them as best as I can. Plus I am not a baby anymore, I am in charge of what goes into my mouth.

Following that same thought, it is not my friend’s absence’s fault either. After all, my friend is in my heart and mind and with me the whole time. Anytime I miss him all I have to do is close my eyes and I can hear him saying my name.

I think that the main problem is not wanting to let go of something that makes me feel good and has been bringing me comfort and joy forever.  Sugar is part of every celebration.  I turn to sugar when I am happy or sad, anxious or calm, run down or full of energy. Sugar is the best friend that is always there!

I don’t want to be enemies with sugar. I want to be friends with it and be able to have it any time I want it, but in small quantities. Is sugar my new ex-boyfriend? It is being bad to me and I am still holding on to it.  The relationship is not longer working and yet I keep looking the other way.  Can I be friends with sugar or, similar to Ex, I have to just cut it from my life until I am strong enough to deal with it in a healthy manner?

I cannot imagine a sugarless life! I don’t want to imagine it! And don’t even mention getting my sugar from fruit!  When I want sugar I can eat a ton of fruit and I still want candy, cakes, ice cream.

The crux of the matter perhaps is some deep emotional issue.  Am I trying to hide some pain? Am I trying to fill some need?  It is scary to think that I may have some deep emotional issue that I am not aware of.

But perhaps the issue is nothing deep or emotional, perhaps it is just some chemical imbalance.  There are too many variables.  I know I have to do some thing, but not sure what  and I don’t plan on going crazy and fanatical about it.  Going crazy about it is the easiest way to have it backfire and make me crave sugar even more.

I am glad that I have already scheduled a complete physical on Tuesday.  I am looking forward to making sure that the levels of my cholesterol, triglycerides, and all other tests they will perform are normal.   I plan on learning more about nutrition, perhaps even visit a nutritionist.  I also need to get back to keeping a food journal.  I just need to stop planning and talking about and just do it!

The time is now!

I am always positive and optimistic.  I am happy that I have come to the realization that an action is necessary.  After all recognizing there is a problem is the first step.  To me writing about is the second, and hopefully action is the third!

I would appreciate hearing from anyone that has or had to deal with a sugar addiction, or any kind of addiction for that matter.  Perhaps with everyone’s input I can come up with a list of tips on handling cravings.

Now, once I have the sugar thing nipped in the bud, I am moving on to bread and butter  …

But on a second thought, I never smoked or did drugs, rarely drink or gamble, enjoy sex as much as the next person, do I really need to give up sugar?

After the Hurricane

13 Wednesday Jun 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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He was a hurricane!

I was going to call him a tsunami, but I dont want to give him too much credit either!

He leaves destruction in his wake.  After him nothing is the same.

How does a hurricane happen? Did I miss the warnings?  Did I think that it was just a little wind? No matter!  All of a sudden it sweeps you up and before you know you are in the middle of it holding on for dear life.

Hurricanes shake you up, often leaving one homeless, powerless, pet-less, faithless.  But the good thing with destruction, if there can be said that there is a good thing, is that  after destruction one gets to rebuild life. After a tragedy one is not the same and cannot stay in the same place.  Among the ashes, among the crumbles, one gets to discover what he/she is really made of.

You end up losing a life you knew.  You lose the you that you thought you were!  There is the before and the after the hurricane.  There is nothing you can do to change “before the hurricane” but “after the hurricane” is yours to mold any way you see fit.

You get to make choices: Where to build, how strong to build, do you want a fence, what color to paint, you get to hurricane proof your house and you any way you wish.  You get to reinvent yourself!

Sure you wish the hurricane had never happened, but you have to learn to accept certain things as acts of Gods, acts of nature or perhaps just life lessons and learning experiences that happen for a reason perhaps later revealed when you are wiser and ready to see it and accept it.

You also have to accept your role in it! Did I do anything to contribute to this?  Was I behaving in a way that made it easier to attract a hurricane?  Did I encourage the hurricane? Could I have in anyway avoided it? Had I become so weak that a simple wind had effect of a hurricane? Only by looking for and accepting my role in the situation will I be able to make sure that the events and patterns do not keep repeating themselves.

The calm after the hurricane is invisible, it is silent, it is scary.  Did I survive it? Did it really end it? Then there is despair and what you make of it! From the depth of despair you find hope and compassion. From the depth of despair you find beauty and freedom.  From the depth of despair you find you!

You have forgiven the hurricane! You have even thanked him for the lessons he taught you! You move on!

If anything you can just pat yourself in the back, beat on your chest and say: I survived a hurricane!

Well, perhaps my t-shirt is not ready to say: “I survived a hurricane!” Perhaps it can only say: “Finding ways to rebuild!”

One more step towards freedom, liberty and the pursuit of happiness

11 Monday Jun 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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I am happy because I choose to be happy.  It is a daily choice! Sometimes is a daily struggle.

Today is a struggle!

Since moving out of Ex’s house he has been calling, e-mailing and texting, mostly to say hello or something trivial,  but sometimes also adding that he is thinking of me, missing me and loving me.

Do I believe that? No! If he loved me I would still be there.

I have been trying to remain friendly as I do not believe in harboring resentments and being angry and enemies with anybody. But it is not working.

Every time he gets in touch it hurts me, it is a constant reminder that I still have feelings for him.  It reminds me that I still don’t know the reason why it ended.

Also at least once a week he used to invite me to dinner.  I have asked him to stop inviting me to dinner, which he obliged.

I have not asked him to stop getting in touch with me because we have one financial deal that will end in July and I didn’t want to make waves until then.

That was until now!  I cannot take it anymore.

I don’t care if I lose money anymore! I want my sanity! Just 5 minutes ago I called him and asked him to stop contacting me and only get in touch in July.

This afternoon he had sent me a picture of him wearing a shirt that we got on our vacation in Thailand saying he was thinking of me.  I completely fell apart.  He also mentioned looking at our skiing trip’s pictures.  I remember those trips,and many others,  the happiness, and how we seemed so perfect together.

I asked him to stop playing with my heart, stop playing games, stop getting in touch with me.  It infuriates me that he seemed shocked by my reaction, he seemed hurt and confused by my wanting to forget him.

It kills that he thinks that is perfectly normal to be dating someone (he confirmed he is dating someone, not the same person that he was dating at the time we broke up, he already moved on from that one or perhaps she wised up quickly) and still be calling me and saying he loves and misses me.  How can he not see how much that hurts me?

How can he think that that is normal? It is amazing his ability to make me feel like I am the one that is not being reasonable.

For the record he has maintained that we cannot be together because he has to concentrate on all his businesses and volunteer work and cannot be the boyfriend/partner I need him to be.  He says some of his businesses are in jeopardy and he cannot protect me. Bunch of bs as far as I am concerned. Disingenuous at best.

So I was lying in bed crying and realized that that was not helpful so now I am sitting and crying- lol

I cannot wait for the day that I will look back and laugh at all this!

I am trying to look at the good side, I am trying to find the good side. I am happy I took a stand and right now don’t care if I ever hear from him again (I so want to believe those words!). I guess deep down inside perhaps I still had hopes. I never thought I would say this, but, sometimes hope can be a dangerous thing!