I am breaking up with a cake!

30 Sunday Nov 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me, Food

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Sticky Toffee Pudding Cake

“We are products of our past, but we don’t have to be prisoners of it.”
― Rick Warren

I made the Sticky Toffee Pudding Cake.  It was a success since it looked and tasted like Sticky toffee Pudding cake is supposed to taste.   It was gooey and delicious, but right after I ate it still felt it was not quite the taste I was looking for. It felt like something was missing. I felt empty and I felt nauseous.

Even when I was lying in bed before drifting off to sleep, I was feeling a bit troubled and disappointed in myself.  I was disappointed that after having someone buy and send me the cake mix and then taking the time to make it and have it come out correctly I was still not happy with it. I was troubled that I was making a big deal out of a cake.

In the darkness and quiet of that moment it dawned on me that I will never find a sticky toffee pudding cake I will be completely satisfied and happy with.  There will never be one as good as I remembered as I realize I have been searching for a feeling and not a taste!  The taste of the cake was right but the feeling was not.

Sticky toffee pudding cake is a cake that I discovered one day while shopping with Ex. I remember eating it at a time I felt I was in paradise. I was happy, well I am always happy, but I felt I was living my long awaited fairy-tale. Sitting on the couch with Ex while eating the warm cake was to me the definition of comfort, happiness and security.

After that realization I cannot even look at the cake I made again, let alone eat it.  I gave half to a friend and I will give the rest to my co-worker.

I am officially giving up my search for the perfect Sticky Toffee Pudding cake as I realized I will never find it.  I have been searching for the wrong thing.

“Yesterday is not ours to recover, but tomorrow is ours to win or lose.”
― Lyndon B. Johnson

I am annoyed that all of sudden Ex pops in my mind uninvited. All of a sudden I have to deal with feelings that I thought were long gone. All of a sudden I miss him or this idea of him.

I realize that the past is bound to return every now and then.  It doesn’t mean regression.  It means I get to see how far I have come and how those memories don’t affect me as much as before.  I am not attaching any special meaning to those few and far between memories.  I miss him for that one second and I readily and happily move on.

I don’t want Ex or the life I had with him back.  I still  think it was a wonderful time and I am glad for having had that moment in my life. But like everything in life it had an expiration date.

Nothing lasts forever, good or bad, and for that I am grateful!

This cake episode helps me realize that more often than not I am not physically hungry, but emotionally hungry.  I need to stop, or at least tone it down, my vision of food as happiness and comfort and see it more as fuel.

oh stupid me thinking that Sticky Toffee Pudding cake could ever be as good as chocolate and/or cake.

 “My past has not defined me, destroyed me, deterred me, or defeated me; it has only strengthened me.” ― Steve Maraboli

Please don’t feel sorry for me! Really, don’t!

26 Wednesday Nov 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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“If you’re lonely when you’re alone, you’re in bad company.” ― Jean-Paul Sartre

The days near holidays are always depressing and somewhat annoying for me; but not for the reason you think!

Yes I miss my family but holidays don’t make me miss them any more or less.  I miss them period!

I find the days around holidays hard because of all the questions, actually not the questions, but the reactions to my answers to those questions.

The question are always the same: Where are you going, What are going to do on  _______ (fill in the holiday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Mother’s Day, etc)? My answer more often than not is: I will be home alone, or I will be going away alone.

Today, for example,  I was questioned by my dental hygienist, then by the dentist, by a couple of co-workers, by a fellow commuter and by my accountant. Their reactions to my reply were always the same: oh sorry!  They all had a look of pity on their face, exceptt for my accountant who had pity on his voice as I only spoke to him on the phone.

I immediately make sure to explain that there is nothing to be sorry about, but I am not sure if they believe that.  I think that people think I just put up a brave face. And perhaps I do sometimes, but never about being alone.

“The only time we waste is the time we spend thinking we are alone.” 
― Mitch Albom, The Five People You Meet in Heaven – Meniti Bianglala

I have spent a lot holidays alone.  I don’t remember ever being bothered by it.

Most of my friends are spending time with their families.  One offered to ask her in-laws if she could bring me.  On that moment I did feel pitiful!

Being invited just because someone is sorry I will be home alone is really the depressing part for me.  How about inviting someone because you just enjoy their company? I am able to appreciate the gesture but it feels insulting. Yep I am of a sensitive nature!

The pity I feel from people implies that there is something horribly wrong with spending a holiday alone, and therefore something wrong with me.

“Alone” is such a vilified word, it is almost a curse word sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I would be better off lying about it and saying I will be spending with friends.

I think that I am too comfortable in my aloneness – not to be confused with loneliness.  To me this is just my situation at the moment, it does not define me one way or another. I never think about until I get the reactions that I get. Should I be thinking about it? Do I have a problem?

“And you should not let yourself be confused in your solitude by the fact that there is something in you that wants to move out of it.” ― Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

My holidays vary with my mood and also with how much foresight I have in planning for it.  More often than not holidays sneak up on me and then I realize too late that I missed a chance to get away for a few days.

This Thanksgiving I am planning to do a little of everything.   Thanksgiving is one of my favorites holidays, mostly because it reminds us to be thankful – and unfortunately, some people need to be reminded of that.

I will make myself a delicious meal.  Since I don’t care for turkey, the bird of choice will be chicken.  I think I will also make sweet potato fries, oven roasted vegetables, brown rice and quinoa.  What I am really looking forward to is dessert.  I will have Sticky Toffee Pudding cake.

Sticky Toffee Pudding Cake Mix

I have been searching high and low for the best Sticky Toffee Pudding cake. I have ordered different ones ready-made online, including one that came in a can (awful), then I came across a cake mix box on Amazon.com from a store in Houston, TX that had great reviews.  As one of life’s little coincidences, ex’s cousin works at that store and at this moment ex’s mother is in Houston visiting family.  I never ask anyone for anything but this time I made an exception.  She was over the moon that finally she had a chance to do something for me.   So this week I got a delivery of 4 boxes (I only asked for one but she wanted to be extra nice). I can’t wait to have my apartment smelling of cake. I will report on taste later.

Remaining friends with his mother came in handy! lol

I stopped by the Library and got 3 books for the weekend.  I started one this morning in the train and after 2 pages I couldn’t take it anymore. I am hoping the other 2 will be more entertaining. I think the best one will be “About Grace” by Anthony Doerr, but I will report on it later.

About Grace

I also plan on starting a mosaic piece.  It has been months since I have done anything with mosaics.  I blame it on all the tools and materials not being easily accessible, but really that is just an excuse. I lack motivation lately.

I have invitations for dates before and after Thanksgiving, but lately I am even more selective with whom I choose to spend my time with. So I still have not decided if one of those guys are better then the book/popcorn combo I have planned for the evenings.

Anyway, the point of this post is to say: Please don’t be sorry for me!  Alone or not, I am so blessed and happy! Just because I am physically with no one it doesn’t mean that my heart is not full and that I am not loved and loving and that my holiday will be less of a holiday than yours!

I am sorry if I sound rude, or Heaven forbid, ungrateful, that is not the case at all.  I know everyone’s heart is in the right place, but I just wish that they would concentrate their sympathy on more important causes than me.

I wish you all a wonderful Thanksgiving, alone or together, at home or away.  Remember to be grateful for this very moment!

I thank you for continuing to be here for me!  I thank you for putting up with my wordiness.   I thank you for your time, energy and heart when you choose to read my words and reflect on them enough to give me your opinion.  Your 2 cents often times makes me feel like a million dollars!

 “Let us be grateful to the people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.” ― Marcel Proust

Case settled because of an earring! (in my Brazilian opinion)

18 Tuesday Nov 2014

Posted by in Daily Life

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I am done with Jury Duty!   The parties decided to settle after only a few days of testimonies.  As the judge mentioned, sometimes the attorneys will get an idea of which way the jurors are leaning and decide they rather not take a chance.  I was somewhat sad to see it end before the end.  I was enjoying the process, even though, at times, testimonies were long and boring.

Now I am free to talk about the case, but I will make it really short and I will mention no names.   The judge said we were free to write about as long as we painted him in a good light 🙂  I do have to say that this judge was a joy, easygoing, funny, personable.  The case was a Medical Malpractice case.  This 37 year old lady went to a doctor for a biopsy of the lymph nodes in the right side of her neck.  It turned out not to be cancer, but her contention was that while performing the biopsy the doctor touched 2 nerves, one that affected the ear and one that affected the arm.  The 2 complaints was that she is in constant pain in her ear and cannot lift her arm past a 90 degree angle.   He said the pain in her ear was so bad that she couldn’t even wear earrings.  He mentioned that a few times, during questioning of the jurors, during his Opening Arguments and while she was testifying.

While she was testifying we could not see her ear because she had her long hair covering it.  The attorney decided to put up a picture to show the scar on her neck in an attempt to highlight the fact that her body heals well and were not for the doctor’s negligence she would not have developed those issues.  It backfired!

She had earrings on in the picture!  It was shocking to me that her attorney introduced a picture of her with earrings on, when,  just the day before; he had mentioned that she was in too much pain to wear earrings.

“You’re going to come across people in your life who will say all the right words at all the right times. But in the end, it’s always their actions you should judge them by. It’s actions, not words, that matter.” ― Nicholas Sparks

The defense attorney pounced on that point when it was his turn.  When he asked her about the earring she snapped at him and said she is still a woman and if she is going out she still likes to get dressed up.  I thought her outburst worked against her – it seemed desperate.  There were some other details that were going against her too but I will leave them out to keep this short and not overkill the subject unnecessarily.

After the judge informed us that the parties had settled and we were no longer needed, he said we were free to talk to the attorneys about the case.  We left the courtroom and met the 2 attorneys in the hall.   I looked at the plaintiff’s attorney and said: The earring!  He knew exactly what I was talking about and replied something like (I don’t remember the exact wording): “that is your Brazilian assumption/opinion”

What does being a Brazilian have anything to do with it? He messed up! It is that simple!

In the end everyone won or lost, depending on how one decides to look at it.  I think that she was lucky to settle and get something.  If left for the jurors to decide I am not sure it would go her way.

I have to say that even though I don’t really like all this suing business I had a wonderful experience.  I enjoyed seeing all the players in action.  I enjoyed meeting all the different people in the jury.

This was a learning experience for me, I had to tap into different areas that I struggle with. One of the hardest part was in trying to be impartial.  I have a tendency to not like victims, and people that play victims.  I have a tendency to expect people to act like how I would act in a similar situation.  I had to step back and say to myself:  “this is not you or your life we are discussing”.  It was also hard for me to keep focused on the matter at hand.  At times I could feel my mind drifting but I would quickly try get it back to the present and to the matter at hand.  I also made sure not to jump to conclusions and keep an open mind – there are always different versions of the same story.  I paid attention to the testimony and to all details, such as the evidence presented and also to the witnesses’ body language.   I think it is incredible what the body can convey without words.

But I think hardest of all was to leave the matter in the court and not talk about it with the other jurors, and not research any of the details about it.  During the breaks we all had a lot to say but we had to keep reminding each other that we couldn’t go there until the case was presented in its entirety and we had received the judge’s instructions.  When I got home I wanted to Google the doctor and plaintiff and details of the case and possibly find information that perhaps others missed (yes, I think I am that good! :-).  But I couldn’t and I didn’t, instead I could only evaluate what was presented in court.

In the end I learned a lot and I would recommend to anyone to serve as a juror if nothing to just say they did it! 🙂

A peacefulness follows any decision, even the wrong one. ~Rita Mae Brown

The gift of being a juror!

09 Sunday Nov 2014

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“Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country.” ― John F. Kennedy

My future began today, 30 years ago!  Today is the anniversary of my arrival in the US.  I arrived in NY November 8, 1984 to stay 3 months. 30 years later I am still here and I can’t imagine ever leaving it.

It has been 30 years of amazing experiences.  There have been tough times and fun times.  There has been immense growth, but in some ways I am still the 17 year clueless girl that arrived unsure of what the future would hold.  I had no English, no money, no job and had bills to pay, but I had one powerful ally on my side:  My unshakable belief in God!

I will not go into details about my arrival here and the life I have lived these 30 years on this post.   I plan to write about it in the future when inspiration and time permits.  The point of today’s post is to tell you about the gift that NY State has given me to celebrate my anniversary:  I was chosen as Alternate Juror Number One in a Medical Malpractice case!

I find it poetic to be doing this right at this milestone of 30 years.  I am choosing to see this as an honor and also as my right and duty as an American citizen.  I also get to witness first hand how the American Justice system works.

Well, at first, like everyone else,  I tried to get out of jury duty.  I was not going to lie to get out of it, but I figured that my brutal honesty would perhaps be enough.

In case you have never been called for jury duty let me give you a brief summary of what happened when I showed up in court 2 days ago.  I was instructed to sit in this huge auditorium with another approximately 100 people.  The Commissioner of Jurors addressed us and explained all that was going to happen.  I found her and her assistant extremely helpful and friendly.  Then they dismissed some people such as students that would be missing school, people that had vacation scheduled, people with difficulty in understanding the English language, etc.   From there we were divided in smaller groups.  Each group went into a separate room and got assigned a case.  My group was assigned a Medical Malpractice case.  They then introduced both attorneys, the one for the plaintiff and the one for the defendant.  In this case the plaintiff herself was also present, but not the defendant.  The attorney then explained the case and asked every single one of us questions while looking at questionnaire that we each had completed upon arrival.

The aim of these questions are to make sure that there is nothing in our lives (or in the lives of our loved ones) that may make difficult for us to be partial when deliberating, such as legal issue, medical issues, etc.  For example, a lady was dismissed because her husband was a patient at the clinic where this one doctors works.

They questioned us in groups of 12.  After each group the attorneys go to a separate room and decide on who to pick and who to send home. From the first group of the 12, they chose only 3 people.  We were all shocked that some of the people that we thought would clearly be chosen was not, while some that we thought would never be picked were.  From the second group of 12, my group, 4 people were chosen. From the final 12 people another 2 were chosen.

“Human happiness and moral duty are inseparably connected.” ― George Washington

When it was my turn to be questioned, I answered honestly and provided information such as:

  • I come from a country where people don’t sue people and then I get to the US and everyone here is sue-happy. I don’t really like all this suing business.  To which the attorney asked me if I would be able to see that some suits have merits.  I said: of course.
  • My brother is a nurse and I have heard plenty of horror stories about some doctors’s carelessness.
  • I have had both good and bad experiences with doctors. To which the attorney said if that meant that I would be able to see both sides, the patient and the doctor and form an opinion. I said yes.
  • If chosen I will have to work some evenings and on the weekend to be able to catch up with my work, as I am the only one in my company that does what I do, such a payroll, etc. To that one of the attorneys asked me jokingly if I was trying to play the “Jewish mother guilt card”.
  • One of the attorneys asked if I would be open to the idea that doctors can make a mistake, and if so if I would be able to award monetary damages.  I responded that I would be open to anything, I would have to hear the facts and see the evidence in the case. He liked that answer.
  • I said that they should ask jurors for their astrological signs.  I am serious!  The way the jurors interact with one another is very important.  I don’t think the attorneys took that seriously.
  • I also mentioned, and this may have been my biggest mistake, that it would be my 30th year anniversary of living in the US, and as such I saw this entire “being called for jury process” an honor.

My question and answer part drew laughs and even applause, but still I didn’t expect to be chosen.  I was shocked when they called my name, and yet there was part of me that knew I was going to be called.  It is hard to describe, knowing that something will happen and at the same time being shocked when it does.

I accept it and I will perform it to the best of my abilities.

Here is what I see as the worst part of it all:  I am an alternate juror.  As such I have to sit there and listen to the evidence but when it comes time to deliberate I get send home with the thanks from the court.  In a way it feels like punishment for me, since I always have something to say about everything. We have only heard one day of testimony and I am already in pins and needles with so much to say.

In this case there are 6 jurors and 3 alternates. The order in which you are picked dictates your juror number.  I was the 7th person chosen, that is why I get to be Alternate number one. Being alternate juror number 1 means I am number 1 on the reserve bench.  I only get to play if one of the main players gets injured or some other emergency happens.

“Character is doing what you don’t want to do but know you should do.” ― Joyce Meyer

This whole thing will be an incredible learning experience. Here are some of the benefits I already see about becoming a juror, and this case an alternate juror.

  • New friends.  I have already become fast friends with 3 amazing ladies.  One is a teacher, one is an attorney and one is a very social retiree.  I can see continuing the friendship(s) once this is over. All the other jurors are also friendly.
  • Learning to be quiet and just absorb the information and keep my opinions to myself will be hard, but I am sure it is something that I can learn and use it in my daily life.  Just the other day my co-worker said to me:  Just because I am telling you something it does not mean I want your opinion or advice!  Ouch!  But he was right!
  • Learning to refrain from impulsively researching on Google and looking for information about people/things.  As jurors, we are not allowed to research aspects and the subjects of the case. Do you know how hard it is for me not to Google this doctor and this medical condition? Extremely hard since I am a Googleholic (I guess I just made up a word :-).
  • Learning that I have to have faith and trust in others to make the right decision. I guess I do have a massive ego and I also have very high self esteem. It has crossed my mind that the 6 jurors may not make the right decision without my valuable input.  How egotistical of me! Why do I always think I am either the smartest person in the room or the dumbest?  Why can I think of me as average?
  • Not having the pressure to make a decision.  Well, this one was pointed to me as a benefit but I am not sure.  I don’t see it as pressure in this case but mostly making justice.  Now, if this was criminal court and somebody’s freedom was in my hands I probably would have a different opinion.

At the end of the day I am there to perform my duties of Alternate Juror Number One to the best of my abilities.  I am going to be the juror that I wish would be listening to my case were I a defendant or a plaintiff in a case.  Golden Rule always!

So far we have heard one day of testimony.  I cannot write about the details right now, but at the end I will and I will also let you know if I agree or not with the jurors, not that it matters either way! 😦

 “Patriotism is not short, frenzied outbursts of emotion, but the tranquil and steady dedication of a lifetime.” ― Adlai E. Stevenson II

 

In defense of winter and cold rainy days

05 Wednesday Nov 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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“If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant: if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome.” ― Anne Bradstreet, The Works of Anne Bradstreet

Saturday morning I walked out of my building and felt a cold drizzle on my face. I felt alive! I love rainy days and winter the same way people like summer and sunshine.  As I was walking and basking in the moment a woman coming out of a store bumps into me.  Instead of saying excuse me or good morning, she says:  “It is such a miserable day!”  I think she mostly said it to herself and not to me, but still it felt like the wrong thing to say.

At that moment it hit me that this woman was setting herself up to have a bad day just because of a little cold rain.  I don’t understand it. Why do people let the weather dictate their mood? I know that there are some people that suffer from SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder), but I think the majority of people just have a dislike for winter weather and not any real disorder.

“It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.”― Epictetus

I am not here to defend the rain and winter and to say start loving the cold weather.  Oh wait, I am here to do just that! First, I am here to say that each one of us, human, animal, object, weather patterns, etc, we all have our functions to perform to the best of our abilities.  We cannot blame the rain for being wet and messing up our hair or blame the cold because we can no long wear shorts.  They are doing their job and deserve respect.  Second, I am here to tell you to appreciate everything around you, specially the things that may annoy you or make your life a little more complicated.  Appreciate the things you love, such as sunshine, but appreciate the things that you don’t care for even more.  Find a way to see beauty and meaning in them.

“The invariable mark of wisdom is to see the miraculous in the common.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

I happen to love rain and snow, so rainy days and snowy days are particularly pleasant to me.  Yes, go ahead and hate me for it. 🙂  I also like dark places with curtains and windows closed.  I adore days that when I wake up it is so dark that I cannot tell if it is day or night.  Don’t get alarmed I like light and sun light too, I do! I just see the beauty and comfort in thunderstorms outside while I am cozy inside.  Perhaps I am, in a way, hiding from the world.  I think a psychologist would have a wonderful time with me! 🙂 I am so happy and yet so dark.

I am also saying if change your mind your outlook will change and that will only yield positive results.  Specially in the morning when you have the whole day ahead, don’t let little, or big, things set yourself up  to having a bad day.  Don’t call the day miserable because of a little rain.  What will make the day miserable or not is your attitude towards it.

“At the end of the day, let there be no excuses, no explanations, no regrets.” ― Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free

Rain to me is life! Cold to me is energy! Snow to me is beauty and challenge (as in skiing)!  Dark to me is comfort!  Loving summer, sun, spring, flowers, that is easy, the value is in loving what is the difficult.

What would summer be without winter?  Not as pleasurable that is for sure!

Don’t use the weather, or anything else, as an excuse to be miserable!

The other day while cleaning some files I came across the little card pictured below.  I put it on my bathroom mirror so that every day I have an extra reminder to begin my day with gratitude in my heart!

Remember to always be grateful!

Remember to always be grateful!

 

 

Welcome to my neighborhood!

31 Friday Oct 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Mosaic and other crafts

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“Happiness, not in another place but this place…not for another hour, but this hour.” ― Walt Whitman

My town, New Rochelle,  turned 325 years last year and this year as a final celebration 15 sculptures in the shape of a fleur-de-lis were installed around downtown.

The sculptures are all 5 feet tall and made of fiberglass.  The artists chosen to decorate each sculpture are all locals. The fleur-de-lis shape was chosen to represent our French roots.  New Rochelle was founded by the Huguenots in 1688. Our sister city is La Rochelle in the west of France.

I thought the sculptures were fun and wanted to post about them. Since I live right in the middle of downtown New Rochelle all I needed to do was walk around my neighborhood to get some pictures. I love walking around my neighborhood, it is so incredibly diverse.

The artists chose to celebrate different aspects of living and working in New Rochelle.  They celebrated the diversity, the music, the welcoming feel, the artistic and cultural vibe, the indigenous roots, the Huguenots coming to America, and one even celebrated Walter Lantz.  Walter Lantz was the creator of Woody Woodpecker and he was born in New Rochelle.

When I got home I realized I had good pictures of only 12 sculptures.  You can see the other 3, and also get more details on each sculpture by clicking on each picture on this site:  http://www.newrochelledowntown.com/events/?event=1224

Fleur-de-lis sculptures

IMG_1685 IMG_1689 IMG_1692 IMG_1695 IMG_1698 IMG_1700 IMG_1703 IMG_1707 IMG_1708 IMG_1711 IMG_1717

I love the town I live in!  Get out and find new reasons to love your town too!

“love the life you live. live the life you love.” ― Bob Marley

is a Fortune Cookie a sign?

21 Tuesday Oct 2014

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“Your fear is 100% dependent on you for its survival.”― Steve Maraboli

2 quick updates:

I have been looking for signs, not only now, but always.  I think the Universe (God, the Light) lets us know what path to take and if we are on the right path.

On Sunday after we had an awesome Chinese meal (and after I published my last post regarding my insecurities and fears) Mom handed me a fortune cookie.

When I opened this is what it said:

Fortune Cookie

I think this one cookie is a sign that I should continue being my bold, take chances self! Also that I should have more faith!

Is God talking to me through a cookie? Well, I think God uses each and all things, it all depends on my faith.  Fitting that God would use a cookie taking into account my love for sugar 🙂

So it looks like Israel and a larger apartment are in my future.  At least, that is what I am going to work towards.

“You are only afraid if you are not in harmony with yourself.” ― Hermann Hesse

****

Updating on my post regarding the Brazilian flag I have at work:

http://atomic-temporary-33385295.wpcomstaging.com/2014/10/03/my-heart-is-green-and-yellow-and-also-red-white-and-blue/

My American flag arrived today and here is what you now see when you step into my office:

Harmony

Harmony

I think it is a much better representation of how I feel: a harmonious duality!

None of my co-workers have mentioned anything.  Well, they didn’t care before when I only had the Brazilian flag and I guess they couldn’t care less now either.

 “Always aim at complete harmony of thought and word and deed. Always aim at purifying your thoughts and everything will be well.” –― Mahatma Gandhi

Heart, I am all ears and no blame, please talk to me!

19 Sunday Oct 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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“Evil draws its power from indecision and concern for what other people think.” ― Pope Benedict XVI

All of a sudden I am having trouble making decisions.  This is a new thing for me.  I always followed my heart (gut, instinct or whatever one calls that inner feeling that tells you exactly what to do) so decisions have always been easy and quick.  And once a decision was made I never wavered or second guessed myself.

I thought age would make me even more secure of my actions, but  I find it is just the opposite. My usual self-assured self is feeling unsure.  I seem to be avoiding and postponing making decisions. My mind feels clouded  and noisy.  I find myself now in that precarious boat of self-doubt.   Indecision, insecurity, fear, those are words that would never describe me, and yet at this moment it seems they do.

I never understood people that couldn’t make a decision. I thought they were either not listening to their heart or they heard it but were afraid to act.  I felt sorry for them. I also got annoyed when they questioned my, sometimes crazy, decisions. How can they question what my heart is telling me? Poor souls!

“Having made the decision, do not revise it unless some new fact comes to your knowledge. Nothing is so exhausting as indecision, and nothing is so futile.” ― Bertrand Russell, The Conquest of Happiness

When I say I could always easily make a decision perhaps that is not the whole truth.  I could always make the tough decisions, but easy ones always eluded me.  It takes me forever to decide what to order in a restaurant and after I order I always think the the other person made a better choice.  But when it came to big, hard, life changing decisions I just knew which way to go, what to do.

Now I find myself trying to listen to that inner voice and all I hear is the chatter of self doubt and confusion.  Where is that knowing feeling? How do I get it back?

I realized that I started talking to people about my plans in the expectation that they are going to agree with me or, worst yet, tell me what I should do.   Who am I becoming? Since when I need people to help me with decisions in my life?

At this moment I am struggling with 2 things. (Is this my attempt to try to get your opinion and approval? perhaps…  🙂 )

1. Should I take my Mom to Israel for her 80th birthday?  I promised my mother a trip there years ago and I decided now is the time. Then it seems not to be the right time.  I am not exactly waiting for peace in the Middle East, but now seems to be worst than ever.  She is okay with going some place else, but Israel was always her dream. What if something happens?  Am I being careless with her life?

2. Do I buy a 2 bedroom apartment or stay in my one bedroom? I don’t have space for guests (Mom comes twice a year and stays 1 month each time) or to do my mosaics, so a larger apartment would improve my life.  But am I being too materialistic and greedy? What if something happens and I go into financial ruin?

“Fear stifles our thinking and actions. It creates indecisiveness that results in stagnation. I have known talented people who procrastinate indefinitely rather than risk failure. Lost opportunities cause erosion of confidence, and the downward spiral begins.” ― Charles F. Stanley

I have a feeling that this uncertainty is just another side effect of the break up. When I met Ex I jumped head first following my heart blindly. Then it all fell apart.   Do I unconsciously blame my heart?  How could it have been so wrong?

How do I get back to trusting my opinion and judgement?  I don’t know but I am going to try.  I will start by:

1. Coming to the understanding that my heart was not wrong.  Ex was The One for 3 years, but not a lifetime.  He had a part to play in my life and once he was done with teaching me and helping me progress to a next level he did me a favor by letting me go.

2. Stop looking for approval and guidance from everyone.   I will only share my plans once I have already made a decision. Having too many different opinions is just confusing my mind.

3. Shut out the noise around so I can better hear my heart.  Having more quiet time/meditative time.  I need to make room and time for my heart.  But also read more, write more, anything that gets my mind flowing and my heart’s voice out.

4.  Last but not least I will pray more. I will be more grateful for all the guidance that I have received (did I ever thank my heart for all the years of good service and guidance?) but I will also ask for more.  I don’t care how hard the road is, all I care is that I am on the right road.

The bottom line is that I know I am blessed and I will be okay no matter what. This uncertainty just means that I need to have more faith.  This is a wake up call and I am wide awake now!

“Faithless is he that says farewell when the road darkens.”  – J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

 

 

More kindness and less assumptions!

10 Friday Oct 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Food

≈ 39 Comments

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Mom is here!  That means a few casino trips and at least one long weekend at the Foxwoods Casino and also Mohegan Sun (they are located 15 minutes apart so it is impossible to go to one and not stop at the other).

I decided to take Ex’s mother with us.  My mother and I enjoy her company and we thought it would be a nice for her to take a break from some issues that she has been dealing with.  Yes call me crazy, but I still have a relationship with his mother.  At times I have questioned this decision but ultimately I decided that I didn’t need to punish the mother for the sins of the son.

She will mention him and also the girlfriend every now and then, but overall we don’t discuss him.  She has made it clear that she would like to see me back in his life.  I also made it clear that it will never happen, that I wish him happiness and that is the end of the story.  Throughout the last 3 years my feelings have been evolving.  In the beginning when she spoke about him my feelings were of sadness and pain, and then there was anger, now it alternates between indifference and joy.  I feel blessed not to be in his life right now and to be free from all his life entails (the good and the bad).

“Forgiveness is not an occasional act, it is a constant attitude.” ― Martin Luther King Jr.

The weekend was fun even though we didn’t win any money.  We didn’t lose either so that is a major win in my view!  Casinos are entertainment, to make money I go to work.   I only take whatever money I can afford to lose and make the most out of it.

We had tickets to see Michael Amante, a singer that I had never heard of.  I was we took and chance and went.  I found him very talented and entertaining.  I like that he talked to the audience and that he gave us some insight on his life and on the songs he sang. He explained he sings only about love.  He sang a little from everyone from Elvis Presley and Tony Bennett to music from Puccini and the Phantom of the Opera.

We also enjoyed great meals!  I really enjoy the restaurants there, especially at Mohegan Sun.  My mother adores the bread pudding on the buffet at Season’s so we always make a stop there.

The was an interesting episode during lunch at the buffet.  The waitress was not friendly.  She was not mean either, she was just serious.  She was probably my age, but looked older (I think that smiling people always look younger).   There was none of the “My name is ___ and I will be your server today”.  When I asked for a mixture of cranberry, orange and grapefruit juices she gave me a weird look.  I assumed she didn’t like her job and perhaps should look for another profession.  Well, I thought to myself, this is a buffet so we don’t really need a waitress other than for the drinks.

“Your assumptions are your windows on the world. Scrub them off every once in a while, or the light won’t come in.” ― Isaac Asimov

Halfway through our meal I looked at the table next to us and saw that this couple got up and left on the table 2 dollar bills!  I was shocked that they would leave only a $2.00 tip. We are at a casino and this couple probably threw money away gambling and all they left was 2 dollars?  I know I was being a tad judgmental, and perhaps the waitress was not the nicest in the world, but she was doing her job.  I felt extremely bad and even before we were finished eating I called her over and gave her a $20.00 tip.  I normally would have left 20% or $5.00 per person whichever was higher, so giving her $20 was not crazy, but clearly was more than the table next to me. She thanked me and I went back to finishing my lunch.

We finished and got up to leave.  The waitress come after me and taps me on the shoulder.  I turned around and she hugs me and tells me how much she appreciated the tip. She looked like she would start to cry at any second.  I said I appreciated her work and felt bad that the table next to me had left so little. She wished me luck and I walked away.

I was shocked as that seemed to come out of nowhere.  I felt good that my simple gesture made an impact on her.  But more than that, this showed me that I should not ever be so quick to judge and assume anything about others.  I should always give people the benefit of the doubt.

I don’t want to make excuses for her as I still think that everyone in the service industry should always have a smile on their faces, but we don’t always have the whole picture.  Not everyone is able to hide the pain and troubles they are going through. We never know what battles someone is fighting, even if they are putting up a happy front.

“Whenever you feel like criticizing any one…just remember that all the people in this world haven’t had the advantages that you’ve had.” ― F. Scott Fitzgerald

When we returned I dropped Ex’s mom at one of his businesses since I don’t want to go to his house (she moved in with him after leaving her Midwest home in February).  I actually would be totally indifferent seeing him, but I don’t want to see C. (the dog).  I miss C. immensely and I know he misses me.  I don’t want him to think I am returning only to abandon him all over again.

Later Ex’s Mom texted me to thank me for the great weekend and she added: “You make it fun to live!”  I thought that was such a great compliment.

I leave you with a song that Michael Amante sang – it reminds me that I should go see more operas:

 

Video

My heart is Green and Yellow, and also Red, White and Blue!

03 Friday Oct 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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“It matters not who you love, where you love, why you love, when you love or how you love, it matters only that you love”― John Lennon

 

This is what everyone sees as they enter my office:

Brazilian flag

My beautiful Brazilian flag!  I put it up during the World Cup in June and never took it down.  I think I will just leave it there until the next World Cup in 2018.

This morning, for some reason, a thought came to mind:  What does that flag really mean? It means I love my birth country and I am proud to be a Brazilian – that simple!

But what about the very country I am in right now?  What about the good old USA?

Having my Brazilian flag in a way makes me feel close to my Brazilian roots, but in no way means that I love the US any less.

I happen to love both countries equally and would hate if I had to choose one.  It would be like asking a mother which one of her children she wants to keep.  I could never choose. Thanks heaven I don’t have to.

I am blessed to be a citizen of two countries.  For now I choose to live in the US – a country that welcomed me with open arms and has given me opportunities I would never have in Brazil.  I don’t feel I am half Brazilian half American, I feel I am full Brazilian and full American!

It doesn’t seem right to be displaying only the Brazilian flag.  I think it is sending the wrong message (no one here in my office has ever said anything about my keeping the flag up, so this unfairness is all in my mind and heart).  Right at this moment I am online shopping for an American flag.  I will be hanging it up there with my Brazilian one.   It think it will be perfect!

I see many issues with both countries.  There is a lot that needs changing here and there.  But I see both of my countries like the people that I love: I don’t always condone their actions and I don’t look only to their flaws.  I choose to love and be grateful for all the beauty and goodness in them. No matter what, I will continue to do my best to improve my surroundings in whenever country I happen to be in.

“Earth provides enough to satisfy every man’s needs, but not every man’s greed.” ― Mahatma Gandhi