The sleepover

08 Saturday Feb 2020

Posted by in Daily Life

≈ 24 Comments

“The power of getting to know one another is so immense, eclipsed only by first getting to know ourselves.” ― Bryant McGill, Voice of Reason

M invited me to watch the Super Bowl with him. We were both counting the minutes until the weekend. I was not at all apprehensive or nervous about being in his house alone with him.  I knew I would be safe.

He picked me up on Saturday evening around 7 pm. He came up to my apartment and met my sister.  I gave him a quick tour of my apartment and we left.

We picked up Mexican food on the way to his house.  He lives over 1 hour away from me.  His house is at the end of a dead end street and a couple of blocks from the lake.

I loved his house inside and out. It was so clean, organized and beautifully decorated.  Nothing out of place.

I can’t remember if I had a tour of the house before or after dinner, but after both we settled on the couch drinking wine.  The fireplace, candles, music, wine, he thought of every detail and I love that.

At this point I will let you imagine how the rest of the night went.  While I didn’t feel  the earth move the words that come to mind are: beautiful, romantic, loving, gentle, intimate, special.

My longing for you keeps me in this moment My passion gives me courage. – Rumi

Unfortunately after falling asleep I had an awful night.  I had had a massage in the afternoon and I think the lady was just a bit too forceful with my upper back and shoulders.  They ached so badly.  I didn’t want to wake him up so I opened his bathroom cabinets looking for pain medicine but couldn’t find any.  Later I found out that he keeps that stuff in a cabinet in the kitchen.

When he got up I was in the kitchen having toast with butter.  He made coffee and later eggs and then we watched the blue jays. He places peanuts on the patio every morning and the blue jays come and gets them.  It was very cool watching them!

After the lazy morning, he wanted to show me the town – Greenwood Lake.  It is a very small town by a lake, as the name says.  We stopped by a local coffee place and I had a scone and coffee.  He just had coffee.

Then we went to a beef jerky place – I need to go back, the jerky there was delicious.  He was eager to take me to the candy store because he knows I love chocolate.  I chose a few chocolate and coconut ones and they were delicious.

We then went to his friend’s house to watch some of the Superbowl.  He didn’t want to stay for the whole game because he wanted to have dinner at home.  He was proud of the meatballs he makes, so he made them the day before.  We had angel hair pasta (he knew angel hair is my favorite) with meatballs and garlic bread.

But before we get back to dinner let me talk about his friends.  There were about a dozen people at the house.  Some of the males were also cops.   Everyone was welcoming and friendly.  We walked in and I was introduced to the hosts.  As I was talking to the lady of the house he went to talk to another friend.  I walked around on my own talking to the other people.  He later apologized for leaving me alone and was pleasantly surprised that I had no problem with mingling on my own.  I never felt that he left me alone, but it was thoughtful of him to apologize.

When I had a chance to talk to his best friend alone he told me what a great guy M is.  He said: “He will never cheat on you or hurt you”.  He said his only flaw is that he is too quiet and laid back.  He continued: “You will have to suggest stuff to do.  Perhaps mention the restaurants you want to go to, and things you want to do.”  I said: ” I can do that”.

“To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead.” – Bertrand Russell

And I think I can.  I would normally say I want a guy that plans stuff, but I think I can learn to compromise on that for the right person.

We stayed until half-time and then drove home.  We got home and he prepared the meatball dinner while  we watched the game.  We had dinner by candlelight.  It was delicious and romantic.

After dinner we tried to watch a movie but I was falling sleep so we just went to sleep. I had a better night, no pain.

Monday was a lazy day.  We had a late breakfast and watched the birds.  All was great until I brought up politics.  It seemed to me that everyone in his circle are pro-Trump so I wanted to make sure he knew I was not.  I told him if that was important to him I was not the person for him.  That got him talking about all that he sees in his job and the reasons why we have different opinions.

It was a mistake bringing up politics again.  We had already talked about it.  We both knew each other’s view on the subject.  We survived the talk, but I just wished that I had not brought it up and wasted time with that.

“At the touch of love everyone becomes a poet”- Plato

He drove me home early afternoon as I had stuff to get done that afternoon.

Things I enjoyed about the weekend:

  • He thought about every detail – he even had new loofah, toothbrush, toothpaste, etc waiting for me.  He even got new sheets for the bed.
  • He didn’t let me pay for anything.  I tried paying for coffee and even that he insisted on paying.
  • He didn’t impose his dietary choices on me.  Even though he stays away from sugar and carbs he went out of his way to buy me chocolate, make me pasta and garlic bread.
  • He made me feel safe and comfortable.  There was nothing awkward.  I didn’t feel pressured to do anything I didn’t want to do.
  • His friends made me feel comfortable and welcome in their home.  He later told me that I was a hit with his friends.

What I didn’t enjoy:

  • Painful first night.  I will make sure to have softer massages in the future.
  • Talking about politics.  It was not necessary.  I didn’t have to bring it up.

Something that was surprising:  In the 3 years that I lived with the ex-boyfriend in his house,  while I loved him and thought my life fairy-tale,  looking back I really never felt comfortable in his house.  I remember laying in bed and thinking: I don’t belong here.  At times I would think: Can I do this?  Can I live here?   When I left, besides missing him, the only other thing I missed was the dog.  I didn’t miss the big house, the pool, the tennis court.  In M’s house I felt at home and at peace.

I like My Body When It Is With Your – e.e.cummings

“i like my body when it is with your
body. It is so quite new a thing.
Muscles better and nerves more.
i like your body.  i like what it does,
i like its hows.  i like to feel the spine
of your body and its bones,and the trembling
-firm-smooth ness and which i will
again and again and again
kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,
i like, slowly stroking the,shocking fuzz
of your electric furr,and what-is-it comes
over parting flesh….And eyes big love-crumbs,

and possibly i like the thrill

of under me you so quite new”

What is really important to me?

05 Wednesday Feb 2020

Posted by in Daily Life

≈ 31 Comments

Tags

, , , , , ,

“People do not seem to realise that their opinion of the world is also a confession of their character.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

The other day I told one of my partners here at work that I am dating a cop and that he is about to retire. He replied: “They have a good pension but that is not a lot. You deserve someone making 7 figures or high 6 figures.  Someone of your stature deserves more.”

My stature? What stature? I just laughed it off, but he was not joking.   This partner knows how hard I worked to be where I am, so I know he has my best interest at heart.  Still it was a surprising comment to me.

That same day a friend texted me to share some news.  Since he lives around the area that M. lives at I mentioned that I may be in his area soon.  He replied with the following:

High on the totem pole?  Should I be offended or take it as a compliment.  This person based his comment on just the area M lives at.  I mentioned nothing else about him.

I don’t get it. I am as simple and plain as they come.  From the car I drive to the clothes I wear I am simple.  I could drive a fancy car and wear name brands but I don’t.  Those things are not important to me. They never were.

“Anything that just costs money is cheap.” ― John Steinbeck

I do not, however, have a problem or pass judgment on what people drive or wear.  People should buy, if they can afford, whatever makes them happy.  I do hope that people don’t rely on material things to feel valued.

Do I think I deserve better or more?  Yes and No!  I deserve the world, but I don’t think of people in materialistic terms.  Material stuff I can get on my own.  From a man I want and deserve honesty, respect, attention and love.  I will not settle for less.

Above all I want someone with a kind, generous heart.

I definitely don’t want a man I will have to support.  I would end up not respecting him.  Other than that I don’t care what a person does or how much money he makes.  I don’t mind if a man makes less money than I do.

“Look beneath the surface; let not the several quality of a thing nor its worth escape thee.” –  Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

Actually I digress, I never wanted a cop or a military person.  I always thought that they come with a lot of baggage.  They see a lot, they deal with a lot.  It is impossible not to bring some of those things home.  Plus they carry guns.  I am terrified of guns.  I am being open minded about all of that for the time being, specially because he is retiring in 1 month.

Shouldn’t integrity, honesty, and most important, the ability to make me smile and laugh weigh more than how much money they make or what area they live at?

oh, and let’s not forget, chemistry!! That so elusive feeling that feels so good when is present.

“Try not to become a man of success. Rather become a man of value.”― Albert Einstein

I would hate to be judged over material things, but I guess we all are judged over one thing or another. And I am in NY of all places and in an industry where money and status are king.

While I don’t care about people’s opinions of who I should date or how I should conduct my life these 2 comments surprised me and shed some light on what people are really thinking.

I take this opportunity to look inward and reaffirm what is really important to me.  What do I want?  What makes me happy? At the end of the day not one person is 100% as I would want in my dreams.  What can I deal with and what I rather not.

I have dated guys with a lot money before.  While it was fun being wined and dined and being offered trips to Europe (I never accepted) the lack of chemistry was most often the reason why it didn’t work with them.

The chemistry with M is awesome.  I don’t want to stop kissing him and for now that is all I want. It has been a long time so I am going to just enjoy it.

One kiss at a time, one day at a time, so we can both get to know if we add value to each other’s lives in the long run or we are just a winter fling.

“I want love, passion, honesty, and companionship… sex that drives me crazy and conversation that drives me sane.” – Steve Maraboli

Stay tuned: the next post is about spending last weekend at his house.  Yes I did!

All’s well, that ends well

29 Wednesday Jan 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating

≈ 17 Comments

Tags

, ,

“Be the reason someone smiles. Be the reason someone feels loved and believes in the goodness in people.” ― Roy T. Bennett

On Saturday morning a car hit my car while I was moving out of a spot. The driver said that he thought I had already moved. I had gone to the bakery – bread is indeed not good for me 🙂

It is the worst feeling when something bad is happening and you can only watch it powerlessly.  I saw the car backing up into me and honked a few times but he kept going until he hit me as I was bracing myself for the hit.

At first I thought the driver was drunk because he was shaking and seemed unsteady on his feet when he exited his car. Then I realized that he was just agitated from the situation. I made sure to get his information, I calmed my sister down and then we left.

I got home and took a better look at the damage. I just rubbed off his white paint from my mulberry (the color of my car) front bumper and realized that nothing big had happened,  just some scrapes.  The other car had a broken tail light.

I felt bad for the driver and called him to check on him and to let him know it was not a big deal and would probably be cheap to fix it.  I didn’t want him to be worrying about it.  He seemed relieved and thanked me. Today he sent me the information of a body shop.  I think it will need just some buffing up or polishing up.

“Whenever you see a successful business, someone once made a courageous decision.” – ― Peter F. Drucker

And speaking of cars, in March the lease on my car ends and I have to decide what to.  Do I buy this car or do I do another lease for the same type of car or a different one?

My current car is a Honda HRV and in 3 years I have driven less than 7,000 miles.  The residual on it is $14,000.00.  Since I am not really a car person and don’t really care what car I drive I am wondering what to do.  What makes better financial sense?  Any opinions?

“Everything in us presses toward decision, even toward the wrong decision, just to be free of the anxiety that precedes any big step in life.”― May Sarton, Plant Dreaming Deep

The third date was dinner at a Mexican restaurant. The weather was just dreary, cold rain and wind, perfect to stay at home.  Since he has to drive over 1 hr to come to me I was expecting him to cancel it but he didn’t.

I drank my usual passion-fruit mojito and he had red wine.  I had quesadillas and empanadas and he had chicken with mole sauce.

At the end of the date we had, what I can only describe as a “Seinfeld moment”.  We left the restaurant and were walking towards my building.  He took my hand and said: “here, feel this”, as he moved my hand towards his waist area.

For a second I was shocked and thought he wanted me to touch his private parts. I pulled my hand away and he again pulled it towards him. I was taken aback by this action as there was nothing in our interactions thus far that it would warrant that type of forwardness.

“She did not understand the beauty he found in her, through touch upon her living secret body, almost the ecstasy of beauty. For passion alone is awake to it. And when passion is dead, or absent, then the magnificent throb of beauty is incomprehensible and even a little despicable; warm, live beauty of contact, so much deeper than the beauty of vision.”― D.H. Lawrence, Lady Chatterley’s Lover

That is when I felt something very hard on his waist.  It was his gun.  I started laughing and told him what I thought it was going on.  He was a bit embarrassed.

He is a cop and at dinner he mentioned that he has to carry his weapon at all times with only a couple of exceptions.  I guess he wanted to show me that he was not lying.

Isn’t life tricky?  Guns scare me.  I also have always said that I don’t want to date anyone in the military or a cop. He was both.  I say “was” because he is 2 months away from retirement.

He had parked across from my apartment.  I didn’t want the date to end so I suggested we sit in his car and talk.  I wanted a little more than talking but I live right on Main Street so there are always cars and pedestrians passing by.  We did get in a few kisses and it was still steamy.

The next date is already scheduled and we are both counting the days.  Stay tuned…

“I want to see the thirst
inside the syllables
I want to touch the fire
in the sound:
I want to feel the darkness
of the cry. I want
words as rough
as virgin rocks.” – Verb.”
― Pablo Neruda

 

 

Making a match and making mosaics

25 Saturday Jan 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

≈ 16 Comments

Tags

, , , ,

“You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover’s arms can only come later when you’re sure they won’t laugh if you trip.”― Jonathan Carroll, Outside The Dog Museum

While this budding romance continues to bud I enjoy reading everything about the pairing of Aries (me) and Cancer (he) and also Horse (me) and Rabbit (he).  According to both Western and Chinese Zodiacs this is not a match made in heaven.  Some sites say that it is the worst match of the zodiac.

I wish it would say the opposite but then again nothing that is too easy is worth it.  A romance against all odds (Zodiac or otherwise) makes it for a better romance. Apparently I am too aggressive and he is too sensitive, can we bridge that gap? I am up for the challenge.

We text once or twice a day and speak on the phone every night.  It feels right, even though it is so early in the game.

“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.”― Carl Gustav Jung

***

“Creativity takes courage. ”― Henri Matisse

I started my mosaic class/workshop last Tuesday. There were 4 other women of various ages plus the instructor sitting around a table.  Each one works on a project of their choice. The instructor provides the space, supplies and of course instruction.

I am making the Brazilian flag on the top of a folding table.  I am kicking myself now for not taking pictures before I started.  I will try to remember to take pictures next time so I can show the progress.

I am so excited about finding this studio and getting back to this craft that I love. I am not creative at all so this is a way to get those nonexistent juices flowing.

All the women there were so welcoming and friendly I felt like I was among friends.  I am looking forward to going back to finish my project and to see them.

“Learn the rules like a pro, so you can break them like an artist.”― Pablo Picasso

The Second Date: foam heart, kissing cheeks and so much promise

22 Wednesday Jan 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

≈ 33 Comments

Tags

, , , , , ,

“Don’t answer the door in a wedding dress and veil, he might not think you’re joking.” – Amy Sedaris, I like You: Hospitality Under the Influence

Even though we had a great first date I didn’t want to expect too much from the second date.  I am used to having great first dates and then either the guy disappears or he becomes someone else on the second date. I was cautiously optimistic.

We met at R Café and Tea Boutique in New Rochelle. It is cool little place near my apartment.   I had a café mocha with a scone.  He had a latte with a croissant.  He pointed it out to me that the barista made a heart out of milk foam on my cup.

The message was not lost on us.  We both believe in signs so a minor detail such as a heart in cup is to us message from the Universe. Color us fools wanting to be in love.

Similar to the first date we had fun.  We talked, laughed and smiled a lot.  I am still smiling.  Again, he paid me a lot of compliments.  He complimented my hair, my earrings, and again he oohed and aahed over how young looking he thinks my face is.  At some point he also mentioned he needs to get new glasses, but we are not going to dwell on his poor vision now. Lol

“Tenderness is the repose of passion.” – Joseph Joubert, The Notebooks of Joseph Joubert

At one point I made a joke about not letting Trump divide us and he said: “No, that is a minor detail. We don’t have to talk about politics.  I can talk about politics with other friends.”  I still don’t know how I feel about that but I am willing to wait and see.

I wanted to somehow memorialize the occasion so I proposed we take a selfie. “To show the grandkids” I told him.  He laughed and went along with it. He doesn’t have kids either.  He mentioned that it means more freedom and time for each other, so I am choosing to be grateful for that, instead of dwelling on a childless future.

I wish I could bottle and sell the way he makes me feel when he looks at me, when he touches my hand and kisses my cheek.  There is so much tenderness.  It is as if he is looking at the most beautiful and delicate thing in the universe.  I feel like the most desirable human being on the planet.

“Patience is not sitting and waiting, it is foreseeing. It is looking at the thorn and seeing the rose, looking at the night and seeing the day. Lovers are patient and know that the moon needs time to become full.” ― Rumi

Even when he seems to be trying to be forward and aggressive he is slow and gentle.  At one point he said: “I want to kiss your beautiful face”. I replied: “Please do it” or something forward like that.  He reached over the table and kissed my cheek ever so gently. I took his face in my hands and kissed him softly on the lips.

I love this phase, I love this feeling.  The beginning, the getting to know each other, the discovery.  I am fully aware that as I am writing this I am giving the impression of a love struck teenager. I am! I am going to own that and enjoy it for as long as I can.

“You must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment. Fools stand on their island of opportunities and look toward another land. There is no other land; there is no other life but this.” – Henry David Thoreau

We finished our coffee and pastries and I wanted to show him the area I live at.  He always goes for the hand on my back, there but barely touching it.  I, instead, took his hand, so we walked holding hands. Just now I realized that perhaps this is one of my controlling tendencies, of wanting more and directing the situation. Or is it overthinking now?

As we were passing by The Curtain Shop he said that he had in mind to buy curtains for a patio door.  We walked in and I helped him choose a beautiful blue curtain. He seemed to enjoy the fact that I chose something for his house.

I walked him back to his car as he had to go to work.  We hugged good bye and kissed lightly on the lips.  He texted me when he got to work and called me later that night.

We didn’t schedule a third date yet, but I have no doubt it will happen.  We talked about watching the Super Bowl at his house.  He lives in a quaint little lake town over 1 hour away from me.

I can’t wait for passionate kisses. “Be patient” – I am telling myself.  It has been so long since I have been with someone that the chemistry is this good that I can’t help but want more and now.

“If each day falls inside each night,
There exists a well
where clarity
is imprisoned.
We need to sit on the rim
of the well of darkness
and fish for fallen light,
with patience.

“Si cada día cae/If each day falls”
EI MAR Y LAS CAMPANAS. The Sea and The Bells.”
― Pablo Neruda

The first date

20 Monday Jan 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating

≈ 10 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , ,

“An open mind and a willing heart are the beginning of many a great adventure. Let’s get started.” Colleen Houck, Tiger’s Dream

M. is 56 years old and works in law enforcement. I like that he took charge and chose the location and time of the first date. He asked if I was okay with his choice or would like something else. I was fine with it.

We went to Chat 19 in Larchmont, NY, a place I have been to several times and enjoy. When I got there at 7pm he was waiting for me in the vestibule. We hugged hello, walked in and sat at the bar.

I had a passion-fruit mojito, he had red wine. We shared an appetizer of spring rolls. The conversation just flowed. We talked and laughed non-stop. We talked about everything.

If I was one of those people that paid attention to things I would be able to describe his clothing and shoes, but I am not, so I can’t. I know how he made me feel: comfortable, safe and wanted.

He mentioned that he never gets nervous but he was a little nervous at that moment – I could tell. He apologized if he was staring too much but he said couldn’t help himself because I was so beautiful.  He complimented my face and skin, and said I don’t look my age. He loved my small hands and said I could be a hand model. Even if he overdid a bit (or lot) I enjoyed receiving his compliments. There is no way that I could ever be a hand model, but it was fun to hear him say that.

The conversation about being a hand model led us to talk about our mutual love of Seinfeld. We both also love the movie Shawshank Redemption. We have similar tastes in a lot of things.

Then he brought up politics and the similarities ended.  I cringed. Lately it seems that is one topic that can make or break potential relationships. Turns out he voted for Trump. I mentioned that I didn’t and will not ever. We talked a little bit about our reasons, but quickly moved on from that subject.

We survived that topic.  I liked that he didn’t try to convince me of anything.  He was respectful and open minded.

Then a musical trio arrived at the restaurant and started playing. It was fun but it was loud so we listened to a few songs and headed out.

We walked towards my car holding hands. It felt natural and comfortable. We got to my car and as I said goodnight we leaned into each and quickly kissed on the lips.

I got in and started the car. I lowered my window, he leaned his head inside the car and kissed me again. After he moved away I pulled him back in and this time it was a longer kiss. I could kiss him the whole night.

We then said good bye and I drove home. Five minutes later he was already texting me to say thank you for the great evening and that he couldn’t wait to see me again. I felt the same way.

It was clear we liked each other. This is exciting and I can’t wait to see what the future holds.

The second date is already tomorrow.  It is Martin Luther King’s day and I am off from work so we are going to have lunch before he goes to work. He works from 3pm to midnight.

Stay tuned…

“I want love, passion, honesty, and companionship… sex that drives me crazy and conversation that drives me sane.”― Steve Maraboli

Sometimes it does work

19 Sunday Jan 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

≈ 14 Comments

Tags

, , ,

“Great things happen to those who don’t stop believing, trying, learning, and being grateful.” – Roy T. Bennett

After not dating for awhile I agreed to meet someone tonight.  We have already spoken on the phone a few times.  We both love to talk and have a lot to say so the conversation just flows.  We seem to have the same values and think along the same lines.  I am excited about it.

As we speak and get to know each other we are both getting more and more excited about the possibilities.  But he has been very quick to let me know that he is making no promises and anything can happen.  He doesn’t want to disappoint me, and of course he also doesn’t want to be disappointed.

I understand why he speaks in such a way.  The search for a partner can be frustrating.  It feels like it will never happen.

May be I am the one for him and he is the one for me, but the chances are slim.  Still I want to believe and I want him to believe.  I want everyone to believe that it will happen for them.

I will go on this date aware that the chemistry and congeniality we have on the phone may not be there in person. Every single time I must believe.  Otherwise what is the point? Otherwise why go?

For each time he mentions it may not work I think to myself: it may work.

“My heart might be bruised, but it will recover and become capable of seeing beauty of life once more. It’s happened before, it will happen again, I’m sure. When someone leaves, it’s because someone else is about to arrive–I’ll find love again.” – Paulo Coelho, The Zahir

 

Who am I?

16 Thursday Jan 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

≈ 16 Comments

Tags

, , , , ,

“We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves.” – Dalai Lama XIV

Sometimes I am not me.  Or perhaps I just don’t know who I am.

Sometimes I have negative thoughts and I admonish myself: You are so positive, that is not you!
Sometimes I am angry and I admonish myself: Anger is fruitless, that is not you!
Sometimes I am petty and I admonish myself: Be the bigger person, that is not you!
Sometimes I want to exact revenge and I admonish myself: Turn the other cheek, that is not you!                                                                                Sometimes I catch myself being judgmental and I admonish myself: Who are you to judge? That is not you.                                                                          Sometimes I am sad and admonish myself: Happiness is a choice, choose it always!                                                                                          Sometimes I make a mistake and I admonish myself:  Pay more attention, that is not you!

Sometimes I look in the mirror and I don’t recognize myself.  Where is the beautiful face that was there a second ago? At this moment I see the accumulation of years gone by.

Sometimes I step on the scale and the number that flashes back at me is not me.  Why is an additional pound terrifying?

Who am I? Am I the face in the mirror?  Am I the pounds on the scale?  Am I the mistakes made? Am I sad, bad, vengeful, petty, judgmental?

Sometimes I am someone I don’t recognize.  Sometimes I am someone I don’t like.

“if you want to live an authentic, meaningful life, you need to master the art of disappointing and upsetting others, hurting feelings, and living with the reality that some people just won’t like you. It may not be easy, but it’s essential if you want your life to reflect your deepest desires, values, and needs.” – Cheryl Richardson

My aim is to make peace with myself even though I didn’t even know that there was a war going on.  It is one of those silent deadly disturbances, that at first is barely noticeable, then it just explodes. I don’t want an explosion.  So I am choosing to embrace it all.

I am good but I can be bad. I can be sad, angry, fat, etc.  I am allowed to be all those things.  The moment I remove the power from all that I think I am not allowed to be,  it no longer owns me.  It no longer torments me! I don’t have to try to be perfect.  I can just be.  I can just be me!

I am everything.  At the end of the day I am the mistakes and the lessons.  I am what went right and what went wrong. I am the negative thoughts that highlight a worry.  I am the angry child that needs understanding.  I am the pettiness that needs attention.  I am the vengeful being that is hurt. I am the extra pound, the sagging and the mistakes. I disappoint myself sometimes.

I am not what I used to be.  I am not who I thought I should be.  I allowing myself to be imperfect and to fail.  I am forgiving myself.

Who am I?

I still don’t know but I am allowing myself the the space and the freedom to find out. I am still grateful, full of love to give and worthy of receiving love.  Life is still an unbelievable trip!

Above all, I am blessed! ♥♥♥

“One of the basic rules of the universe is that nothing is perfect. Perfection simply doesn’t exist.  Without imperfection, neither you nor I would exist” – Stephen Hawking

 

Who you are – Jessie J.

I stare at my reflection in the mirror
Why am I doing this to myself?
Losing my mind on a tiny error,
I nearly left the real me on the shelf
No, no, no, no
Don’t lose who you are, in the blur of the stars
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
It’s okay not to be okay
Sometimes it’s hard, to follow your heart
Tears don’t mean you’re losing, everybody’s bruising,
Just be true to who you are
Brushing my hair, do I look perfect?
I forgot what to do to fit the mold, yeah
The more I try the less it’s working, yeah,
‘Cause everything inside me screams, no, no, no, no, yeah
Don’t lose who you are, in the blur of the stars
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing
It’s okay not to be okay
Sometimes it’s hard, to follow your heart
But tears don’t mean you’re…

Moving, at any speed, but moving

12 Sunday Jan 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Dating, Finding Me

≈ 15 Comments

Tags

, , , , ,

” I long to accomplish a great and noble task, but it is my chief duty to accomplish small tasks as if they were great and noble.” – Helen Keller

The year had a slow start for me.  I guess I had unreasonable expectations for the beginning of the new year.  It is like I expected to wake up in the first day of the new year and magically everything made sense, work magically became less stressful and I again started exercising daily at 5am.

The truth was not even close.  I didn’t magically become this dynamo of motivation and energy.

Work is now even more stressful.  I continue toying with the idea of making a change, working part-time or even quitting. (but I am realistic also)

I haven’t been sleeping through the night in a couple of months (I blame hot flashes),  so even though I wake up in time to exercise I can’t make myself get up and go.

10 days into the new year I realize that I need to get going or I will spend the whole year just dreaming and planning to get things done but not really doing anything.  It is  not magic or wishful thinking but hard work that makes one succeed.

A new day on the calendar doesn’t mean a miraculous new beginning, but it does present a magical chance to start over.  Nothing can be done about yesterday, but today is all mine to get stuff done.

“Don’t judge each day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds you plant.” – Robert Louis Stevenson

I am snapping out of this stupor that I have been on the last couple of months and get going.  I have taken some baby steps and here they are:

  • Flooring.  I am finally getting the floor of my bedroom done after being stuck in indecision and overthinking.  I went to Home Depot and chose the color and material it in 5 minutes.  The color chosen is below.  Feeling accomplished!

  • Walton Oak Lifeproof vinyl plank

  • Unclogged pipes. After spending months with bathtubs and sinks draining slowly and waiting for the plumber to get back to me, my sister returned from the grocery store with a Drano kit that comes with a plastic snake. I laughed at it, but I was proven wrong. This plastic snake cleaned years of dirt, hair, and other gunk.  It worked like magic. No more waiting for plumbers to get back to me.  Feeling powerful!

  • Drano with snake

  • Mosaics. I love working with them but I keep waiting for the right time and place to continue developing this craft. I was going to rent a studio, then decided against spending the money.  I finally found a place to learn and work with mosaics.  I just sent them an email and I am waiting for the class/workshop times.   I am so excited to get back to that passion.

  • Flowers and Butterflies

  • Dating.  After months of not feeling motivated to be dating or talking to anyone online, this week I finally logged in and chatted to a couple of nice (hopefully) people.  While I still didn’t schedule any dates I feel ready to get back to it.  Feeling fun and hopeful again.
  • Exercising.  I am still not exercising in the morning but I am doing something every evening even if it is just dancing to a few song or some lunges and squats.

I am so far from where I wanted to be or thought I should be at this moment in time. All I have to say is that I am aiming for movement.  Whatever I can do not to feel stuck. One step at a time,  one day at a time. I will get there.

Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid only of standing still. – Confucius

2020: New Year, same plans

01 Wednesday Jan 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Finding Me

≈ 7 Comments

Tags

, , , , , ,

“Hope smiles from the threshold of the year to come,
Whispering ‘it will be happier’…”
― Alfred Lord Tennyson

A New Year is upon us.  It feels like 2019 just barely started and it is already over. What have I done in 2019?  What have I accomplished?   If I were to take inventory of 2019 I don’t think I would like the results.  I am older, achier, exhausted.

The idea that I wasted a whole year is just grim.  With that in mind, should I go through the motions of creating new plans and resolutions for 2020 that I know I will never follow through with them?

I think that what I need to do is to start finishing off old projects and following my passions.  Here are some of them:

  • Ski more– at least I went to Colorado in the beginning of December, need to go again before the end of the season
  • Learn French – I do know a lot words and was able to make some small talk, but have not continued studying, so I lost it all.  Need to pick it up again and not let go
  • Fix my hip issues – Attempted to work on it, but didn’t care for what the doctor suggested.  I need to choose another route instead of just doing nothing
  • Lose weight – the eternal drama that gets worst with age as metabolism slows down.  Looking at pictures from prior years I realize that I was not really fat when I thought I was fat.  Message here:  Enjoy the now! We are never as bad as we think we are. So let’s love and accept ourselves NOW!
  • Start doing mosaics again – One of my passions.  Had to pack up my stuff when my sister moved in.  I thought about renting a studio to work on them.  My realtor found me a cheap place, but even at $850.00 I still cannot see myself investing that much per month on a hobby. Need to try to look for lessons again.
  • Read more – Finish all the books that I have started. I have at least 20 books that have been started. I hear of a subject, an author, I buy the book, I read 1 page, put it aside and move on to the next.  My sister and I decided to do a book club.  Book club of 2, but at least that way we are both forced to finish a book.

What projects do you intend to start or finish in 2020?

“I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes.

Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You’re doing things you’ve never done before, and more importantly, you’re Doing Something.

So that’s my wish for you, and all of us, and my wish for myself. Make New Mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody’s ever made before. Don’t freeze, don’t stop, don’t worry that it isn’t good enough, or it isn’t perfect, whatever it is: art, or love, or work or family or life.

Whatever it is you’re scared of doing, Do it.

Make your mistakes, next year and forever.”
― Neil Gaiman

************

“No one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of another.”
― Charles Dickens

At the end of the year I choose some charities to donate to.  I try to choose causes that are close to my heart, such as Education, Homelessness, Children and the Elderly.

I always donate to theses 3:

Along with those I always donate to some GoFund causes as I come across them.  They normally involve children or injustice.

I also alternate donating to some of the following:

This year I was helping out another local church with their soup kitchen until I suspected that my donations were being misused.  I am in search of another local place to help throughout the year.

I normally check https://www.charitynavigator.org/ for ideas and reviews on charities.

What causes/charities are close to your heart?

“Help others without any reason and give without the expectation of receiving anything in return.”― Roy T. Bennett

I WISH YOU ALL LOVE AND LIGHT! MAY 2020 BE MAGICAL!

THANK YOU FOR YOUR KINDNESS AND LOVE IN 2019!