Category Archives: Finding Me

Anything related to the discovery of the inner me

And so it goes…. no more being in limbo

25 Thursday Jan 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“I will not try to convince you to love me, to respect me, to commit to me. I deserve better than that; I AM BETTER THAN THAT…Goodbye.” – Steve Maraboli

It is over.  I knew something was off, which I still don’t know what it is, but I know he has changed.  I had pushed for more information with the phone call yesterday and ended up more confused.

Last night he texted just good night and I replied to it in French, as I am trying once again to teach myself French. We exchanged a couple of texts about Paris and that was it.

Around 2 pm this afternoon he texted me just as I was struggling with a bleeding nose.

He texted 1 word: Hello

I replied about my bloody nose and that was it.

I know it is just one word, but I read so much into that.  I could tell that he had no intentions of scheduling any dates.  I hate being in limbo and feeling like I am at somebody’s mercy.

In my mind and heart I need things resolved, yes or no, I just want to know. This not knowing where I stand or what his plans are were making me ill.  I think my nosebleed was my body rebelling against this situation.

I have a lot on my plate at this moment to be wasting time and energy on somebody that is not giving me what I need, even after I explained to him exactly what I need.

This is a relationship that romantically would never work. The only way it would work is if I was able to relax and go with the flow.  Those are not in my DNA. I am trying but continue to fail.

So later I texted him later.  Here it is:

He has not replied after that, which surprised me, but also made me happy and have more respect for him.  I rather silence then some stupid reply to pacify me such as:  I care about you, I am busy, etc, etc.

I know I will not get the truth from him so I rather have silence and have it resolved in my heart.  I don’t have to wonder anymore if I am seeing him on Thursday or any other day this rest of week or next, or ever for that matter.

The “I try to get to city soon”  felt insulting to me. Why ask me what night I am free if he clearly is not free any night?

So in my mind it is all settled.  If he ever contacts me again I have no problem in seeing him again and being friends but I definitely don’t want a romantic relationship anymore.  I deserve more.  I deserve promises kept.

I was also becoming a person that I don’t like.  I was feeling like a complainer, like a beggar, like a victim.  I am none of those things.  I want somebody that will make me soar not crawl.

“It is always important to know when something has reached its end. Closing circles, shutting doors, finishing chapters, it doesn’t matter what we call it; what matters is to leave in the past those moments in life that are over.” – Paulo Coelho

Besides this total lack of concern for my feelings, there was already the kissing issue that I didn’t know if we could get over. There was also a lack of depth in our conversations that I had hoped that with time it would change.

But it felt so amazing for a little bit. The potential and possibility made my heart sing. All the compliments, the attention, the plans and the promises felt wonderful.  I was on top of the world. With Valentines Day around the corner and, lets not forget, the Opera I was feeling like a lucky girl.

I fell in love with the potential.  I fell in love with the idea of him, of us.

Life seems so cruel sometimes. But I know better.  I know that everything is to make me better and that things that are not good for me have a way of disappearing from my life.  I am not about to question the Universe, instead I just thank my Guardian Angels that are always watching out for me.

Our communication styles are too different.  I blame it on our astrological signs. He is Pisces and I am Aries.

They are both perfectly good signs but I struggle in communicating with real Pisces people.  I say “real” because some people have more traits of the signs that come before or after, and other details that go into it.  I am not crazy into Astrology.  I haven’t read my horoscope in years, but I do pay attention to the signs of the people I deal with and I have opinions formed based on those experiences.

The Pisces people that I know, and one is very close to me, are wonderfully amazing people.  They go out of their way to please people.  They are quiet and keep their feelings in.  They don’t want confrontation so they tell me exactly what I want to hear. They agree with me on a course of action and then they turn around and do whatever they please.  That is a Pisces that I know and love and have learned to deal with.

When P told me he was Pisces I thought about this Pisces man that is close to me and I hoped that P would be different.  He is not. Because I had some experience with his style I thought I would be able to maneuver it and make it work.

I failed.  I can’t betray my personality and my feelings and I cannot change anyone. I cannot extract blood from a rock.  I cannot get from people what they don’t have in them to give to me.

I am an Aries.  I tell you like it is.  I wear my heart on my sleeve.  I am impulsive, stubborn.  I want results and have no patience for details. I want to be in charge. I am a great person but I agree I am not easy to deal with.  I expect to talk about problems and resolve them and not sweep them under the rug.

He will be a great partner for somebody less fiery than me. He used to say I was a ball of fire and that he like that I am me.  He liked that we were so different.  That difference killed us.

I honestly hope that whatever is happening with him is not bad.  I know something is happening.  I still want to be his friend, but I am not ever contacting him again. If he texts me I will probably reply.  If calls me I will probably let it go to voice mail for awhile.  If he totally disappears that is okay too.  I said my piece. I am done!

Some of you may be surprised but I feel good and happy. I like things resolved and it feels resolved to me.  Do I want to swear off dating now?  Absolutely not! I actually feel I am closer to meeting the one.  The bigger the disappointment the bigger the reward.  This seemed so much like the real thing that I cannot even imagine how amazing it will be when the real one shows up.

I predict amazing things for my future with or without a man, but I know in my heart there will be one for me.  One that will put up with this ball of fire.

Today I opened an email from the Universe that read:

Have you noticed, Star, that sadness in your life has never, ever, not even once, lasted?
 
It’s impossible.
 
Whoohoooooo! 
  The Universe

How perfect is that for today?  And that is so true.

If you too want to get emails from the Universe go to http://www.tut.com and sign up.

I am so amazingly blessed!!

“Good friends, good books, and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.” – Mark Twain

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you to the amazing readers that I have!  You guys are the friends that I don’t have in my day to day life.  I wish I could have you right here with me.  You lift me up, you keep me honest, you set me straight.  I appreciate your honesty. I appreciate your kindness in telling me like it is. I am immensely grateful that you take your time and energy to read about my life and you kindly offer me your perspective.  You allow me to be me, you welcome me, guide me and embrace me.  Reading your comments I feel your love.  Please know that you are loved, valued, you are meaningful in my life!  I am so grateful and proud to call you a friend.

I will talk about all the lessons I have learned in this experience in the next post.  There are always lessons and this is no different.

And I know that it may seem to some that I am making a big deal and that his actions may not seem that bad, but what I have to say to that is:  Talk to my heart.  I follow it blindly, and it is telling me that something was not right.

Again this post was drafted in a hurry as I wanted to update everyone on the newest happenings or lack thereof.  So please forgive the mistakes.  I still have some office work to do before shower and bed.

“There is no real ending. It’s just the place where you stop the story.” – Frank Herbert

 

“How to mess up a potentially good thing” or “Just another day in my dating world”

23 Tuesday Jan 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“Between what is said and not meant, and what is meant and not said, most of love is lost.” – Kahlil Gibran

This is a very quick update, as I am swamped at work, but still want to relate how things are or aren’t with P and I. So please forgive typos and grammar errors.

I think P is playing some kind of head game that I am not aware of. I love games so I wish guys would tell me what game they are playing so I can play too, and hopefully win it, as I am very competitive.

He was all into me in the beginning. He pretty much said that he would move mountains to see me. He was making promises of trips we would take. He already talked about the need to reserve a romantic restaurant for Valentine’s Day and let’s not forget the tickets to the Opera that he already bought.

So what is a girl to think? That he is into me, right?

The best part is that I was into him too. Other than him being on the quieter side and the kissing not being exactly stellar it seemed promising. It was the first time in a long time that I was into someone that was into me.

Then all of a sudden he seemed distant and uninterested. The calling and texting got few and far between. I still texted and mentioned that I missed him, but slowly I was getting a picture of someone that was not that into me.

I figured I should keep an open mind. This is the very beginning, people get busy, people have different communication styles, etc. But still something felt off.

All of a sudden over one week has gone by and we haven’t seen each other. This from a guy that said he doesn’t mind driving. He works from home most of the days and makes his own hours so there is really nothing stopping him from seeing me.

He kept mentioning another date but never scheduling it. I felt like he kept dangling a carrot in front of me…not a feeling I enjoy.

On Friday night I told him that he didn’t seem interested anymore and he said it was not that at all. He mentioned perhaps we would go to dinner on Saturday night.

Saturday he was busy the whole day helping his son with home improvements and supposedly didn’t finish until very late.

Sunday nothing. He texted good morning, I replied, he went silent. Later on I inquired about his day and he replied with: “good, thanks”.

Yesterday (Monday) he sent me as text: “Good morning. Was wondering what your schedule looks like this week. Maybe we can go out to dinner if you like”

I replied: “I would like that. Free any evening this week”

He replied: “ok”

I figured next time I hear from him it is him scheduling a date, but instead this morning I get this:

“Hey. Haven’t heard from you so just saying hi”.

Perhaps I should have just played along and said hi. Instead I did what I keep telling myself that I am not going to. I told him how confused I was with that 1 sentence. I told him that I actually thought I needed to give him space as I was the one always texting and telling him I missed him. I told him that I thought I was even being annoying with my texting.

He said: “It is not annoying but we can at least say hello even if we are busy”

I reminded him that he said to me on the second date not to hurt him and that his actions, or lack thereof, was hurtful.

We exchanged a few more texts that were full of misunderstandings that ended with him saying: “Everything is good just been busy”

A man (or woman) is never busy when they want something. Everyone can find a second for a text even if it is in the middle of the night.

Because I cannot let things just be, I texted: “Can you talk for a couple of minutes?”

I actually didn’t even know what I was going to say, but this back and forth texting gets extremely annoying after a while.

After 10 minutes he said he could, so I called him. I told him exactly how I feel.  Exactly what I wrote here. That I think he is playing games even though he says he is not. I said his actions are not in line with his words.

I was nice but direct. My effort always is to avoid miscommunication. I can be wrong, perhaps he is not playing games, but that is what I am seeing and feeling. I said “it is me, not you”. And it is. My mistake is being me. Many people would be okay with this way of communicating and dating, but not me.

I am not sure he understood me. All he kept saying is that he had been busy, but he likes me and wants to see me, and that he is was very sorry. He seems to tell me what he thinks I want to hear. He said he didn’t schedule anything yet because with his schedule being so flexible he could work around my schedule so he wanted to know when I was free.

What? Can he hear himself? I told him I am free and he is still not scheduling anything. Perhaps instead of saying I was free the entire week I should have just mentioned one or 2 days. I gave him too many options. I was too available.

I told him that perhaps what he liked was the thrill of the chase and I ended that when I said I liked him and made myself available.  I opened my heart, but that shouldn’t be news to him as I wear my heart on the sleeve anyway.

After a few more minutes, we said good bye. I hung up the phone as confused as ever. I don’t know if I ever had a conversation that was more meaningless than this one. We arrived nowhere. I don’t even think he understood me. I am drained. I am have no energy for this drama.

“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” – George Bernard Shaw

So, will I ever see P. again? I don’t know. I know that he still hasn’t scheduled anything. I know that every minute that goes by and he doesn’t schedule anything my desire to see him is diminishing.

All I know is that this, whatever this is, cannot survive if we are to continue to communicate in this way. If it is this difficult in the beginning what happens later on when real problems arise.

I am a talker, he is not. I thought we would balance each other out. I thought that because of our differences we would complement each other. Now I think our difference are just too big to work.

When someone is showing you who they are, believe it. Don’t make excuses. I am going along thinking that our conversations will improve, that he will be more open, but what if it never does. Can I live like this?

NO! I would be eternally frustrated.

I know in my heart something is off. I don’t know what it is exactly. There is something he is not telling me.

At the end of the day it is not a question of who is wrong or right.  He is a great person that will probably be a better fit for someone else.

It is a question of how much you want something and how much are you willing to put up with to get it. I don’t want him that much to continue to feel this way. Feeling in limbo annoys me. I like things that are defined, understood, agreed upon. I like directness. I like aggressive and not passive.

Lesson here: I don’t know! Perhaps you guys can tell me.

I see tons of mistakes on my part. Instead of telling him that I was free the entire week, I should have just mentioned one evening and that was it. I should have continued speaking to other guys instead of focusing only on him. I was too available, too honest, just too much. He actually says I am a ball of fire.

I know some of my friends here will tell me that I need to relax, take it easy, and have no expectations. It is all true I need to do that. But I also see it from another angle, I want to be with a man that will show me that I am important, that will not make empty promises, one that will follow through on his words.  I want to have expectations of someone and him of me. Expectation is not such a bad word.

If I expect nothing I will be happy with the little I get? I deserve and want more.

I am trying to change and slowly I am. I don’t want to change to fit is somebody’s world. I want to change to become a better version of myself. I am changed in the sense that I really don’t care at this moment if we are going on another date or not. In the past this would make me sad, disappointed, I would be crushed. Not anymore. I know that the Universe is on my side and whatever happens is for my benefit. I know that everything is teaching me and I always end up better than when I started.

So much for a quick update. Got run, work beckons. No, actually work screams and demands.

Don’t try to make sense, just dance!

19 Friday Jan 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me, Food, Poetry

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“Stop acting so small. You are the universe in ecstatic motion.” -Rumi

Last night I saw anxiety creeping in. Yes I actually saw it. I looked in the mirror and the face looking back at me was not the usual smiling face with bright shiny eyes. This face had dead sad eyes and the lips were just there, unmovable walls. Looking in the mirror only made the dark feelings intensify.

Nothing made sense.  Nothing felt right. I was alone. I was weak.

I knew that if I gave into those feelings I would soon be crying and feeling totally powerless and beaten. Crying is definitely okay in my book but when I have a reason for it. Crying out of pity for myself is not productive, it is not what I do, it is not who I am.

I felt hungry as if I hadn’t eaten in days. I wanted to head to the fridge and stuff my face in something sweet. I wanted to drown the sad feelings in a tub of ice cream. I wanted chocolate cookies to prevent my tears from falling. I wanted my best friend Sugar to assure me that I was going to be okay.

The problem with my friend Sugar is that it is such a sneaky weasel. It takes me to amazing high levels of euphoria and then, not too long after it has me crashing down. That is a roller coaster that tonight I refuse to get on.

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.”  – Rumi

I am smarter than that. I know this is not a physical hunger, after all I just had a great dinner of brown rice, vegetables and chicken. I even had a tiny piece of cheesecake for dessert. This is my being crying out for attention. This was my body trying to make my insides feel better by giving in to outsides urges.

Sugar is my drug of choice. For you it may be something else, alcohol, shopping, etc, Whatever it is, when used in this way it is not a friend, it is an enemy.

I knew exactly what prompted the feelings I was having. It all started 30 minutes before.

“You were born with wings, why prefer to crawl through life?”  – Rumi

Around 8:30pm I called P. He calls every night and last night I decided I should call for a change and to let him know that I do think of him. The call went straight to voice mail. Immediately I felt like I was punched on the stomach. How dare he not answer the phone and worse, why it is off.  It didn’t feel right. Immediately my delusional self starting conjuring up all kinds of thoughts.

That was on top of having gone this entire week without scheduling a date. We talked about meeting Saturday night and/or Sunday, and even me possibly going to his house, but there is nothing definite.  And of also realizing that he is still on the dating app.

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” – Rumi

The woman in me that got cheated on over 5 years ago came back full force and started connecting the invisible dots and creating stories. I vow not to be made a fool ever again.  I thought he was probably on a date and turned the phone off not to be disturbed. Not only was he on a date but he would probably start liking her better than he likes me. Soon this blossoming relationship would shrivel up and die.

The reality is that we have known each other for less than a month and have gone on 4 dates only. Even though we both feel this is different, we really have no clue. I realize that relationships need to marinated, need be tended to, need to have air to breath.

There is nothing really happening. We are both free to date other people. I like to say that competition is welcomed.  It only makes me look better.

I don’t believe that every guy will cheat on me. I also believe that there is a guy for me out there and I am not sure it is him. I am also not sure it is not him yet.

“The minute I heard my first love story,
I started looking for you, not knowing
how blind that was.
Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere.
They’re in each other all along.”  – Rumi

Where is this delusional, insecure, paranoid, jealous woman coming from?

Then it hits me:

PMS

I am glad I keep track of it.  I look at the app in my phone and there it is.  I am in the middle of PM.  I know these feeling are momentary and not based in reality. I know they will pass.  All I have to do is be okay with feeling uncomfortable and sad for a moment.

The feeling of doom. The feeling that the world is coming to an end. The paralysis. That is what PMS feels like to me. I even warn people about it, as I know I can be a little out of my mind at that time.

So it is just you, PMS, old frenemy! You don’t own me! You can mess up my hormones every now and then, but I will show you who the boss is!

“Don’t be satisfied with stories, how things have gone with others. Unfold your own myth.”  – Rumi

So I did the only thing I could think to do:

I DANCED!

I put some loud music on and I danced. I danced like no one was watching and no one really was. If they were they would probably want to join in as I was having so much fun. I danced as if I wanted the dance moves to shake the fears and anxiety away from my body.

I danced with my soul.  It was a freedom, gratitude, euphoria, wanting to live and love dance!!

IT WORKED!

I felt instantly better. I felt alive! I felt energized! I felt grounded and centered! Life returned to my eyes, the smile to my lips. As in a miracle, the dark cloud lifted.

To continue on my good mood trajectory, I started thinking of all the blessings I have in my life. The list is so huge and amazing,  it is impossible to be sad or down when confronted with that knowledge.

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” – Rumi

At 9:44pm he texted me to say sorry. He said he had fallen asleep without saying good night. He said he had laid down for a minute and didn’t wake up until now.
I said that I thought he was out and about and had the phone off not to be bothered. He said the battery had died on his phone.

Do I believe him? I don’t know! At this point I don’t care. There is nothing going on. We are getting to know each other. So I am keeping an open mind and will trust until I have a reason not to. I will also not create problems and be overly dramatic or clingy.

The odd thing is that getting his text didn’t make me feel happy or relieved.  It was indifferent.  Proving to me that at the end of the day, we are in charge of our emotions and well-being.  No one can make you feel better or worse, loved or unloved.  Only you have that power.  The sooner we realize that the happier we become.

“Everything in the universe is within you. Ask all from yourself.” – Rumi

This is the first time I use dance as a coping mechanism, as a pacifier and medication.  I normally go to gratitude and prayer.

May I offer everyone that suggestion?  Next time you are down, how about you get up and dance.  While dancing you can make mental lists of all blessings and say a prayer thanking for all of those blessings.

***

The dancing reminded me of one of my favorite poets and scholar: Rumi. His poems and teachings really resonate with me. They touch my inner being. They make life make sense to me. They make me want to love with abandon.

“Dance, when you’re broken open. Dance, if you’ve torn the bandage off. Dance in the middle of the fighting. Dance in your blood. Dance when you’re perfectly free.”

With Rumi in my mind I peppered this post with his quotes and I offer everyone this poem. I hope that everyone at some point in their lives get to love with abandon.

“I want to see you.

Know your voice.

Recognize you when you
first come ’round the corner.

Sense your scent when I come
into a room you’ve just left.

Know the lift of your heel,
the glide of your foot.

Become familiar with the way
you purse your lips
then let them part,
just the slightest bit,
when I lean in to your space
and kiss you.

I want to know the joy
of how you whisper
“more”
Rumi

 

I believe I have broken a record: 4 dates with the same guy!!

17 Wednesday Jan 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.” – Rita Rudner

Here is a summary of the dates I had with P., the finance guy.  I am not going on dates or speaking to anyone else or checking online profiles at this time.  I want to give him my full attention and a fair chance.  I also don’t have much time lately.  I am not sure what he is doing, but I don’t think he is online anymore.

At this point it would not bother me if he is dating other women as I am free to date also. I am just choosing not to do it for lack of time and energy. But when the time comes that we are intimate then we will have the commitment conversation. I don’t like the idea of sleeping with someone that is sleeping around.

Date 1 – Posto 22 – Italian Restaurant in my town – I had eggplant and angel hair pasta and we shared the tartufo for dessert.

He chose the restaurant after I gave him the names of 5 restaurants near me. I wanted him to choose.

I was expecting a nice guy but nothing else.  My investment in this date was minimal.  I just left my building and turned the corner and the restaurant is right there.  He drove over 1 hour in a car with no heat in below freezing temperature.

I liked him right away.  He seemed a bit nervous and shy but totally interested in me and all I had to say.  I often have a lot to say.  I didn’t think I was going to like him so much, but I did. At end I was excited and dreaming of the possibilities.

He asked me on a second date that night.

“A thought, even a possibility, can shatter and transform us.” – Friedrich Nietzsche

Date 2 – Lea Wine Bar – Tapas/Sushi place in New York City – I had a couple of Lychee Martinis, sushi and empanadas

I chose the place, I didn’t want to and almost canceled over having to choose.   Later I explained to him that I rather have the man choose the place.  He said that he thought it was thoughtful to let me choose but that he had no problem in choosing from then on.

We held hands. We kissed for the first time.  It didn’t blow me away, but I think he is shy and being extra cautious not to scare me away by being overly enthusiastic and being too physical.

He complimented me on my hair.

He walked me to the train and sat with me until it was time for the train to leave.

I was relieved that I still liked him on the second date as much as on the first.  That rarely happens.

“And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.” – Kahlil Gibran

Date 3 – Naples 45 – Italian Restaurant in New York City – We had pizza with no cheese and chicken Milanese, prosecco and wine, cheesecake and tiramisu.

I think he completely forgot he told me he would start choosing the restaurant and again he asked me to choose.  For a second I was extremely annoyed over it.  Is he paying attention to what I am saying?

I stopped and chose non-reaction. Nothing. I let those feelings wash over me and I concentrated on the work I was doing at work.

Later I told him we would meet by the clock inside Grand Central Station.  When I met him there I got my phone out and we chose the nearest Italian restaurant together.  Italian is his favorite cuisine.

I decided not to bring up the choosing the restaurant issue. I consider that a huge shift, and growth moment for me.  I am choosing to do what is uncomfortable:  not speaking all that is on my mind.  Perhaps being the one choosing the meals is not such a bad thing.  He is the one paying.  I decided to change my view on that.

“We can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorns have roses.”  – Alphonse Karr

He had on a suit and tie as he had gone to a meeting in the afternoon and looked very handsome.  As usual he kept complimenting me and saying how beautiful I was.  What girl doesn’t like to hear that? I am a sucker for it.  I am independent, self assured, professional and confident, still I want to hear a man tell me that I am pretty.

We talked about the stock market since that is the business he is.  It was nice to hear the passion for it in his voice.

He mentioned Valentine’s Day and the need to choose a place and reserve it soon.  Again he said I can choose whatever I want.  One of the reasons I don’t like to choose is that I don’t want to seem I am choosing expensive places.  Since he is not choosing I am going to make a list of all the restaurants I want to try and start crossing them off my list.

During dinner he asked me what I was doing the next evening (Saturday) and if I wanted to get together for dinner and movie.  I said yes.

After dinner he walked me to the train station.  When we got there I saw that my train was about to leave so I ran for it leaving him in mid-sentence.  I barely gave him a peck on the cheek.  I felt so stupid afterwards.  I always do that.  I run for trains even though there is always another one after.

I apologized later.  He said he was left confused but ended up seeing the humor in it.

Date 4 – Patrias – My favorite restaurant in my town -Tapas Spanish place – We had the pan com tomate, cod fish croquettes, fried chicken and a vegetarian paella.  

He showed up looking like a rock star in a leather jacket and spiky hair. He definitely looks younger than his age.

We talked, flirted, and ate wonderful food.  He chose to drink water, I had sangria.  We were supposed to go to the movies after but I decided against it because I thought it would be too late for him to go home after, and I wanted him to stop by my apartment also.

In the afternoon I had gone to an Italian bakery and gotten his favorite dessert to surprise him: Ricotta cheesecake.  So I said that we should go back to my place for dessert.  Even though it is only the fourth date I trusted him enough and felt comfortable enough to have him over to my place.

He was pleasantly surprised that I took the time to go and find his favorite dessert. I made coffee and he had the cake. I put American Indian music on, something he enjoys – It was nice and peaceful.

And oh yeah, I put pajamas on.

I am so used to getting in my apartment, removing my shoes and either putting in exercise clothes or something comfortable. My apartment is on the cold side so I felt more comfortable in my cozy long pajamas.

He is so nice and he is going out of his way not to do anything to scare me away so I knew that he wouldn’t even try to kiss me.  When I mentioned something about that,  he said:  “I am not going to spoil this, this is a long term investment. I have time and I have patience“.  I just thought it was an adorable answer and shows me where his heart and mind is.

It is great not to feel pressured to do anything I am not ready for.

“Being male is a matter of birth. Being a man is a matter of age. But being a gentleman is a matter of choice.” – Vin Diesel

He didn’t make any moves on me.  I initiated.  We just snuggle and we kissed.  The kissing was still awkward and not that exciting to me.  Is that a sign of things to come?  If the kissing is this lackluster what about all the rest?  I am hoping that is just because he still seems nervous.

He said I looked great in the blouse I had on before I changed, which showed some cleavage.  He said my arms also looked great in it.  It seemed like an odd compliment.  I don’t like the way my arms look as they lack muscle tone at the moment. Plus I would have thought that my cleavage would blind him to everything else.

I almost forgot a detail.  The restaurant I chose didn’t take credit card, so instead of telling him to bring cash, I figure I could buy dinner this one time.

When he asked for the check and pulled the card out, I said:  They don’t accept credit card.  His face fell.  He said: I don’t carry cash, I have to go to an ATM.  I said: Don’t worry, I brought cash.  He continued to tell me that we would find an ATM after.

By the time the waitress came with the check she said that now they do accept card.  He was relieved.  Then it turned out that there was a problem with the chip in his card and had to be swiped instead but the waitress seemed flustered so I insisted on paying.

Immediately after leaving, he saw an ATM inside the Mexican Restaurant next door and insisted on going in and paying me back.  He said:  There is no way I invite you to dinner and let you pay.  That is my kind of guy!!

***

I have additional comments and observations about him, well, us really, but I will have in a next post.  I am trying to post more often and not make such long posts, which I clearly failed again.  Oftentimes I write and write and by the time I am finished the material seems stale, so I am trying to change that.

“Daughter! Get you an honest Man for a Husband, and keep him honest. No matter whether he is rich, provided he be independent. Regard the Honour and moral Character of the Man more than all other Circumstances. Think of no other Greatness but that of the soul, no other Riches but those of the Heart. An honest, Sensible humane Man, above all the Littlenesses of Vanity, and Extravagances of Imagination, labouring to do good rather than be rich, to be usefull rather than make a show, living in a modest Simplicity clearly within his Means and free from Debts or Obligations, is really the most respectable Man in Society, makes himself and all about him the most happy.” – John Adams, Letter of John Adams, Addressed to his wife

 

Anticipation that makes me giddy and Confrontation that makes my blood boil

03 Wednesday Jan 2018

Posted by in Dating, Finding Me

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“The idea of waiting for something makes it more exciting” – Andy Warhol

A great date!

On December 30th I met someone that drove over an hour in a car with no heat to take me out to dinner.  You probably have heard of how cold the Northeast is now, so he deserves an A for effort alone.  All I had to do was walk out of my building and turn a corner.

By his pictures and short profile I didn’t think we would be a romantic match.  Not that he was ugly, but he had only 3 pictures that were just weird. One of them was a selfie in front of a mirror without a shirt.  I don’t like such pictures.  On another he had spiky hair and looked a bit off.  He looked like an old rocker that perhaps had a little too much to drink. I hope he never reads this lol.  His profile didn’t tell me much, it was just a couple of generic lines.

What made me decide to meet him was his emails to me.  From the first one he took his time and wrote meaningful things.  He asked me interesting questions about things I mentioned in my profile.  He asked me about myself.  I detected openness and honesty.  I was intrigued.  I thought that we could have a nice evening and that the worst it could happen is that I would make a new friend.

He chose a great Italian restaurant.  Extra points for not being cheap.  Upon meeting we just clicked. I saw that he was a bit shy and unsure in the very the beginning, but I think I disarmed him with my friendly attitude.  I really never met a stranger.  He turned out to be so real and open.

“… We need the sweet pain of anticipation to tell us we are really alive.” – Albert Camus

We stared and smiled at each other the whole time.  He was so different than what his pictures had shown.  I told him that.  The hair was still a little spiky but tame. I wanted to touch it but refrained from it.  Some people can be very touchy about their hair. 🙂

Before the night was over he asked me on a second date.  He told me how beautiful and funny I was and that he was having a great time.

We ended the night with a quick hug.  I would have been okay with a kiss, but I so appreciate him being respectful.

We are going on a second date tomorrow. This time we will be meeting in Manhattan. Again he is being considerate and said he will be meet me near the train station so I don’t have to go out of my way.

We both seem equally excited about this second date.  Stay tuned, I am hoping for fireworks.  If you have been reading my blog you know I have gotten excited before and things haven’t always end up well, but I am not letting past experiences curb my enthusiasm.

This anticipation is priceless so I am going to dwell in, marinate in and enjoy every second of it. I am going to be stupidly giddy and happy with butterflies in my stomach.  I am going to hope that holds my hand and that he kisses me.

I hope he is real and I have not dreamed him up.

“Never forget that anticipation is an important part of life. Work’s important, family’s important, but without excitement, you have nothing. You’re cheating yourself if you refuse to enjoy what’s coming.” – Nicholas Sparks

***

“It may be important to great thinkers to examine the world, to explain and despise it. But I think it is only important to love the world, not to despise it, not for us to hate each other, but to be able to regard the world and ourselves and all beings with love, admiration and respect.” – Herman Hesse

One of the worst dates ever!

Even with a second promising date scheduled I decided not to cancel a previously scheduled date I had tonight.

I didn’t like that he was a little evasive about work.  He said he was taking classes at the moment and writing a play.  I wanted to have an open mind and give him the benefit of the doubt.  I am a sucker for people that are passionate about something and he seemed passionate about the arts.

In my conversations with him he seemed a bit awkward. How wrong I was!  He was not awkward, he was just a jerk! And I don’t use that term loosely.

For starters, picture this: We are standing in line at the coffee shop and while I am asking the server a question about a pastry, he orders and pays for his coffee.  I should have said good night right then and there.  If I a guy cannot be courteous enough to pay for the lady’s cup of coffee on the first date then he should have no business attempting to date.

After finding a table and sitting down with our coffees he took a piece of a donut I got after I asked him if he wanted some.  He took a piece, ate it, then started to lick each finger more than once.  I offered him a napkin.  Then he took another piece and repeated the same finger licking exercise.  All of a sudden I didn’t want any more of this amazing coconut cream donut.  Strike 2!

He started talking about a play he wrote about religion.  It seemed interesting and I told him that.  I agreed with him that there are religious fanatics out there and people can get insane about religion.

He sneezed and I said: God bless you.  He responded by saying he didn’t believe in God.  When I opened my mouth to say something he immediately said:  “Here comes the questions”.  And from there things became confrontational.

I asked: What questions?  He said that people normally start questioning him on why he doesn’t believe in God.  I could sense his confrontational tone.  I said that there would be no questions from me as I respected his beliefs and hoped that he would respect that I believe in God and didn’t want to talk about it at that point.

He clearly was disappointed that I didn’t want to engage on a debate over the existence of God.  He ignored my wishes of not wanting to discuss the subject.  He kept going on and on trying to get a reaction out of me.  I kept saying that I could debate it but was not interested in it.

One thing I dislike most is when people try to change my mind about some belief I have.  Specially when I say that I am not interested in discussing it.

He said: “But I should be allowed to say why I don’t believe”.  I said: “Go ahead”

He mentioned that the main reason that he couldn’t believe in God it was because he couldn’t understand if God exists why he chooses to only help some people and not others. And if that is the case God is very incompetent. He said that with a smirk as if he expected that word “incompetent” would make me mad.

At some point in response to something he said I said he had a simplistic view.  He got up got his jacket and said I offended him.  I said that my words were not meant to offend but that if I offended him I apologized.  Truly, I never want to offend anyone and my comment was not meant to offend.  I also said that that was one of the reasons why I didn’t want to discuss it.  The moment I said something he didn’t like he was ready to go.

He sat back down, but instead of changing the subject he continued trying to push me to talk about my reasons for believing in God and to explain that eternal question: “Why bad things happen to good people”

I mentioned that I didn’t have all the answers and I felt it was a deep and long conversation as I would have to talk about all my studies since I was a child and being exposed to all sorts of religions and different philosophies of life, including topics such as spiritualism, reincarnation, karma, etc.

While I don’t have a problem talking about why I chose to believe in God, a Superior being, the Universe, The Light, or whatever name people choose to call it, I felt he was intent in proving me wrong.  He seemed to want a debate and not a healthy discussion.

“Tolerance isn’t about not having beliefs. It’s about how your beliefs lead you to treat people who disagree with you.” – Timothy J. Keller

I know people with different beliefs and have had many great conversations on our different believes.  In the end we end up getting even closer understanding our differences.  I think it is important to try to understand each other, with always having respect at the forefront.  But he seemed intent on proving a point and not open to listening.  I am not interested in that.

It is not only the fact that I said I didn’t want to about it.  It was also not only about what he was saying but how he was saying it.  He had a smirk on his face as if he held the knowledge in his hands and I was this poor ignorant being in the darkness.  I didn’t like the cynicism in his voice and his ironic tone.

Towards the end he started saying that I had issues if I was not willing to discuss different topics.  This is a first date and I think I am allowed to refuse to discuss any subjects I don’t want to discuss. After putting up with it as much as I could and not wanting to be in that negative energy any longer,  this time I was the one getting up and leaving. It never felt as good and freeing walking away from someone.

By the way the whole time there was guy sitting in a table across from listening to our conversation.  He would from time to time just shake his head in disbelief.  At one point I thought he was going to come over. I should have walked to his table when I got up.

Once again, for the record, I am a firm believer in God.  It sustains me, it grounds me and it gives me wings.  But I don’t need people to agree with me.  I am respectful of people that hold different beliefs. I don’t profess to have the right answer and I would be leery of anyone that think that they do.

The only thing that I hope for is the universal belief in the Golden Rule.  Let’s do no harm and let’s strive for peace, understanding and respect.

“What is objectionable, what is dangerous about extremists is not that they are extreme, but that they are intolerant. The evil is not what they say about their cause, but what they say about their opponents.” – Robert F.Kennedy

 

 

of holidays, gratitude and resolutions

28 Thursday Dec 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me, Food

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I hope you all had a fun Christmas with family and friends, or alone.  I spent it alone and it was perfect.  I used to lie about spending holidays alone so I wouldn’t have to endure the pity on people’s faces.

I am alone at holidays for the same reason I am alone in life.  I don’t want to settle! My family lives in another country and I often don’t travel there on holidays.  I guess I also can be sensitive when it comes to invitations.  If someone wants you at their house they should say so, instead of saying something like: “What are you doing on Christmas? If you are not doing anything and want to come over”.  What kind of invitation is that?  To me that it is not an invitation, so I don’t even consider it.

Please don’t you feel sorry for me.  Feel envious of me. I stayed in pajamas the whole day. I had cookies for breakfast. I worked with mosaics with the TV on on some Lifetime feel good movie.  I would rather be skiing, but this was pretty good too.

Now let’s see what New Year’s eve and day will bring.

“You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.” – Max Ehrmann

***
An update on my dental issues, or what I thought were dental issues. This afternoon I am going to see an ENT doctor. It has been over 1 month since my dental surgery and I still feel the same way: gums feel weird, a pressure on the left side of the face. It is not a bad pain, it is an annoying pain, a pressure, a constant reminder that something is off.  At times if feels as if the nerves in the gum are wiggling, like something is brewing under the skin.  When I have that feeling I think good thoughts and I picture my gums growing. I am betting on the power of the mind.

I started a whole program of supplements that my Naturophatic doctor friend prescribed me with the intentions of stimulating the growth of my gums.  When gums start receding they don’t grow back.  I am intent on trying my best to stimulate them to regenerate themselves or at the very least prevent any further recession.  Nothing is impossible to those that believe.

It is the first time that I am hoping to hear from a doctor that something is wrong. If I have a diagnoses then I can start the process of getting it fixed.  Otherwise I am back to square one, returning to the dentist.  I wonder if the surgery I had was even necessary.  The dentist said he saw nothing wrong in the x-ray.  I don’t want to be a guinea pig, specially when my gums/teeth is concerned.

I had this implant done probably 10 years ago.  I will save the story of how I lost that tooth for a following post.  I had to get bone grafts and gum grafts.  Once the implant was put in it didn’t look right as the gum refused to be on top of it.  Crying I asked the dentist why he didn’t tell me that there was the chance of not working.  He said that it works on everyone.  I said:  I am not everyone.  When it comes to my teeth it is always the worst case scenario.

I went to 2 specialists at that time and they both said that there was nothing that could be done. I remember crying in the dentist’s chair.  At that point I returned to the original dentist (still my current dentist) who repeated the procedure and made it look a little better.

The number one compliment I get on my pictures online is on my smile. That should have been a clue that it didn’t actually look that bad!  People focused on the happiness and not on the perfection of my teeth.

This recent surgery caused the gum over the implant and an adjacent tooth to recede it even more.   Now I would give anything to be back to the way things were before.  There is a huge lesson here:  Be grateful for all you have, even the things that perhaps you are not 100% happy with.  Things can change and be taken away from you in a second.

in Brazil we have a saying:  “Eu era feliz e nao sabia”.  The translation means : ” I was happy and didn’t know it”.  We say that when we want to tell someone to appreciate what they have instead of just complaining and wanting more.

Just a thought: Is there anything in your life that you should be grateful for instead of complaining about?

“Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.” – Epicurus

***

The New Year provides everyone a chance to shed the old and embrace the new.  Some people make resolutions and come up with lists and plans to improve their bodies, lives, etc.

I don’t make New Years resolutions, not because I don’t have anything to improve on or because I don’t have anything I want to change, but because I feel I am constantly thinking of changes.  My life is a constant list of improvements.  I make resolutions every night as I lay down to sleep and think about my day and everything I want to change about it.

And every time I do that I realize that resolutions never work.  Next evening I will be thinking about the same issues and resolving to make a change.  It is a vicious cycle.  I believe that if you want to make a change, the time to do it is now, not some time in the future. Scheduling changes rarely work.

Start whatever you want to change now.  Start living the life you want now.

I am guilty of not accomplishing things that I plan to start in the future.  Things that I stick to and see to completion are things that I resolved and started on that very moment the decision was made.

I once gave up chocolate for one year. A fact that shocked everyone as I used to be a chocoholic. I started on a Friday afternoon. Ex looked at me and after laughing at my crazy idea proposed that I should start on Monday. I said I have to do it now or I will never do it.  I am proud to say that for one entire year I had no chocolate of any kind.  If I had scheduled to start on Monday I would never have done.

With all that being said I do have plans for 2018.  I want a simpler 2018. I want to simplify,minimize and declutter my home, my office, my life.  I want less of anything material.  But I have already started that process.  I am attacking my closet like I have never done it before.  Unlike I have done in the past I am not just shuffling things around and making little difference.  This time I am being really drastic about it.

I always like organization and cleaning . I feel lighter, it is cathartic and empowering. As it is I don’t normally hoard anything, but I have realized that I have candles, wine, perfume, underwear, some clothing, some shoes, etc, all waiting for a perfect occasion.

The special occasion is now, the important person it is me!!

Tomorrow may never come and if it does I will go out and buy what I need, or even better, the Universe is always one step ahead of me and it provides me with everything I need when I need it.

“Good resolutions are like babies crying in church. They should be carried out immediately.” -Charles M. Sheldon

All I want for Christmas is a lustful love affair!!

21 Thursday Dec 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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“I will be waiting here….
For your silence to break,
For your soul to shake,
For your love to wake!”
― Rumi 

I went on a second date with the 34 year old accountant.  It was not really a second date, it was more like a friendly meeting.  I had already mentioned to him that this would be just friendship.  We did kiss on the first date and there were some sparks but I thought the age difference would be too much for this to develop into something meaningful.

I met him in the lobby of the building he works at.  From there we walked to 42nd street to take the subway to 74th street to go to the bakery.  It was rush hour and the trains were packed.  I am so glad that I don’t have to take the subway every day.  I take the Metro North train which, even though crowded,  is much more civilized than the subway at rush hour.

“Reason is powerless in the expression of Love.” – Rumi

We got out of the subway and walked a few blocks to Levain bakery.  I got cookies for me and my co-worker.  It was a tiny space and there was a line.  The smell in there was heavenly.  The workers were all happy and smiley.  I didn’t eat any right then and there because we were going to have dinner first.  I was craving a burger for the longest time and wanted a Shake Shack Smoke Shack first.  Luckily there was one a few blocks away.

The burger was delicious, specially since I hadn’t had one in awhile.  M is a really nice guy.  The conversation just flowed.  He tried convincing me to date him but he was not pushy and accepted friendship.

“When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy.” – Rumi

After the burger he asked if I wanted to see his apartment.  Normally that would probably be an invitation to make out but in this case I knew I would be safe from making out and from being attacked. I knew enough of his personal information and had spoken to him enough to know that it would be fine.   He just moved in and wanted to show off his apartment.

I don’t recommend anyone going to anyone’s house on a second date or 3rd or 4th if they don’t know the person well.  Everyone please be safe out there!

“Don’t be satisfied with stories, how things have gone with others. Unfold your own myth.” – Rumi

He lives on the Upper East side.  It is a small apartment but it is in an awesome location, great building, has great closet space, including a walk-in,  and a balcony with a good view.  I told him that he needs to clean and organize better.  That was not nice of me, but I figure it is a good tip if want to bring girls home.  He has just moved in so I am sure eventually it will be better.

After he showed me the apartment, we sat on the couch and talked for little while. Then he walked me outside where I got into a cab.  There was a hug and kiss on the cheek goodbye.  I have so much respect for him not trying to kiss me while in his apartment. I think I did expect him to try and me to say no, so I was so happy that he did listen to me and didn’t try changing my mind.  Since then we have been texting and will probably hang out together when he returns from vacation in Florida.

“You are not a drop in the ocean. You are the entire ocean in a drop.” – Rumi

Somewhere between getting cookies and getting into a cab to go home I realized I am being a hypocrite.  I told him (and you guys) that the reason I was not going to date him it was the age difference.  The truth is that if there was enough chemistry I probably would embark on a relationship with him even with the age difference.  Even knowing that I would probably get hurt in the end.  There goes the virtuous person I thought I was.

Perhaps is the hormones speaking or perhaps is having AL in my mind.   A girl has needs and it has been way too long… and getting longer.

Since  AL popped up in my mind accidentally I can’t help thinking about the amazing times we had together, in and out of bed. I want those feelings and excitement back.

“Words are a pretext. It is the inner bond that draws one person to another, not words.” – Rumi

The other day I contemplated reaching out to him.

I didn’t! I am not even sure what I wanted to accomplish.  That would have been a colossal mistake.  He is married, and I am sure our chemistry didn’t miraculously disappear. I do miss the friendship that we had after breaking up.  Even though it was laced with flirting. If we tried reconnecting it would probably revert back to flirting in no time.  Flirting can always lead to something more.

On this one point I am not confused or hypocritical about: a married man is someone I am not interested in getting involved romantically with.

I don’t like how things ended between AL and I but I realize that we would probably never be able to have just a friendship.  There was too much chemistry.  I also cannot say that he really hurt me as I really never gave him my heart to hurt.   I guess I was mostly disappointed.

“The minute I heard my first love story,
I started looking for you, not knowing
how blind that was.
Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere.
They’re in each other all along.”- Rumi

Someone on a dating site the other day asked me what I am looking for.  I normally say that I am looking for companionship.  I want to find someone to have a committed relationship with.  Now I don’t know what I want anymore.

I am getting to the point that I don’t believe in everlasting anything.  I WANT PASSION!  Young or old, I want passion.  I want positive energy, a zest for life, I want adventure and not cold tired complacency.  This has nothing to do with age, but a willingness to live!

Perhaps is my way of really not committing to anyone.  I keep always having hurdles for people to jump over.  When I meet someone either just online or in person I look for the problems first.  I always think how this person will not fit in my life and it is not good for me.  In a way I am not giving anyone a real chance. Of course, the rare time I am willing to give them a chance I don’t hear back from them.  Chances are that if I heard back from them I would find a reason to dismiss them.

“Forget safety.
Live where you fear to live.
Destroy your reputation.
Be notorious.” – Rumi

Today is a day that I feel like taking risks.  I would risk pain to just feel alive.  I guess today is a lustful day!  It is a Rumi kind of day.  A day that makes you want to dance with the possibilities.  A day that welcomes pain as part of the path to pleasure.

Something needs to be said about passion, about giving yourself to someone  no matter the circumstances.  I look for the fairy-tale, for my soul mate but I will take the torrid love affair in the mean time.  They make you feel like dancing.  They make you feel alive.  They twist your bed sheets and your brain.  They make you think unmentionables.  They make you leap and fly.

If you are confused by this post, sorry so am I!

“Set your life on fire. Seek those who fan your flames” – Rumi

Seeing life with new eyes

17 Sunday Dec 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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“Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.”  Albert Einstein

It is Saturday and I am on my way to work.  The office is being painted and guess who is in charge of  making sure that everything gets done correctly.  Yes, you guessed, me!

Yesterday one of the painters stopped by and told me they will start working at 10 am.  I thought it was late to start, specially since they wanted to do it all in one day.  I gave him my business card and said to call me if he wanted to come in earlier.

Today at 8:50 am as I am walking to the train station, the painter calls me and says: We cannot paint today.  I said: What? Are you canceling? Part of me was happy with the idea of returning to my cozy apartment instead of braving the cold in NYC.

No, we are here but we cannot paint because the office is closed, he said.  I said: of course it is, you said you would be there at 10, and that is when I was planning to be there.  He said they had to leave the building by 5 pm so they decided to start earlier.

 “In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity” – Albert Einstein

He just didn’t bother to tell me that the plans had changed.  I  told him to wait and I would be there in 40 minutes.

As I get to train station the announcement on the loudspeaker is that the train is 10 to 15 minutes late.

Standing in the cold air of an almost empty train station I can feel my normal good mood starting to shift to anger.  I am thinking about the painter’s lack of communication.  I am thinking how the train seems to always be late on the coldest day, and specially on days that I have to be on time. I am thinking it is Saturday and I should be enjoying my weekend.

I get annoyed, angry when things don’t go according to plan.  I remind myself that this is just a minor inconvenience and nothing to get stressed about it.

“I must be willing to give up what I am in order to become what I will be.”  – Albert Einstein

I decided that there was no point in thinking about things that were in the past (the painter’s lack of communication) and things that I have no control of (late train).

Anger, as well as happiness, is a choice; it is not a given.  I am going to choose not to be angry and not feel powerless.  I am going to choose to welcome these mishaps and use them as a learning tool.

I am so used to routine, I am so used to the fast paced NY lifestyle that I never stop and pay attention to anything.  Even my reactions have become routine.  Routines are comforting and safe but routine also kills miracles and hide blessings.  Routine turns us into robots.

I look around me, at the trees and the train tracks.  I look at everything as if for the first time.  I started looking at them as if I have just gained vision and I marveled at that gift.

“The world as we have created it is a process of our thinking. It cannot be changed without changing our thinking.”  – Albert Einstein

I decided to face everything, events, situations and people with new eyes and new actions.  I really need to see things and not just assume all is the same.

How would people, places and situations surprise us if we gave them a chance and looked at them with brand new eyes?  With eyes of understanding and compassion.  Would people pleasantly surprise us if we give them a chance and not just assume we know all about them?

I look at the number 8 marking the platform.  Just between you and I, I think that number has been put there for my benefit.  It feels comforting to have this daily hello from the Universe.  You see the Universe knows I love the number 8 so it placed it there so I can see it every morning and smile.

The number 8 means infinity.  It is never ending, as love, as hope, as faith.  It ends and begins in itself. At school I always insisted on being number 8 when playing volleyball and handball.

“The most beautiful experience we can have is the mysterious. It is the fundamental emotion that stands at the cradle of true art and true science.” – Albert Einstein

As my eyes move from that number 8, I see 8s I had never seen before.  I smile, surprised and grateful. It is a sign and a gift.  It shows me that when we decide to look at everything with new eyes we see new things.  We get gifts and discover miracles.

I took pictures of all the number 8s I saw at the train station this morning.  The first picture is the 8 that greets me every morning.  The others I am noticing it for the first time today.

I know it is just a number but to me it is a meaning.  It is also a symptom of how I live a lot of my life on auto-pilot. I am so used to a routine, of getting from point A to point B, of getting things done.  I often miss the details, the beauty around me.  I have been missing 8s, and possibly miracles and blessings because I am not paying attention.

A song came to mind:

“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.”  – Albert Einstein
.

No past thoughts or thoughts of the past

The past is where it belongs: in the past!

13 Wednesday Dec 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me, Food

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Yesterday as I was getting a book from my bookshelf the above calendar page fell on the floor.

At that moment the past came flooding back.  AL, the young Irish guy, that has been mentioned on several of my posts, gave me that calendar book at the end of 2013.

I realized that it will be 1 year in January since we exchanged out last text.  I am extremely surprised that he has complied with my request of not contacting me.  I am happy he did.  The pull he had on me was very strong, I am glad I don’t have to be tempted to reply.

As I think of him I send (mentally) him good wishes.  I hope he is happy.  Truly I do! He deserves it, even though I do I wish he had behaved differently towards the end.

He came into my life at a time I needed most.  I was still grieving over the break up of the relationship that tore my heart to shreds.  He was that breath of fresh air that made me feel alive again.  He was a dear friend.  He was an enthusiastic lover.  Of course I knew it wouldn’t last, but I lied to myself, as we women often do. It was amazing while it lasted.

I remembered he said that meeting me was fairy-tale.  I wouldn’t go that far, but  a man saying stuff like that is just irresistible.  Well, because I like him I thought it was charming, if I didn’t like him I would have probably thought it was cheesy.  It is all in the context of how the heart feels.

Is this calendar a sign from the Universe?  If so, what is it trying to tell me?

“Believe in a love that is being stored up for you like an inheritance, and have faith that in this love there is a strength and a blessing so large that you can travel as far as you wish without having to step outside it.”  – Rainer Maria Rilke

I am going on a second date tonight with the very young accountant, who happens to be the same age AL is, 34.  I don’t need to be a rocket scientist to know that this has the potential to hurt me.  It can also be a lot fun.

Is the Universe telling me to go or not to go?

I am going Universe! I am not ignoring you.  I just don’t know what you are trying to say.  Tonight it will be a  fun date of dinner and cookies.  Tonight I will put the age difference on the back burner.

Thinking of AL reminded me that I am being successful at my resolve of not checking his, and other’s, social media.  It has been over 1 month since I have made the decision to stop checking social media.   https://atomic-temporary-33385295.wpcomstaging.com/2017/10/20/determined-and-no-longer-feeling-lost/

It was not an obsession but it was becoming one.  It was a routine that was not productive.  It was an addiction that was interfering with my life.

I am so proud that I am sticking to it.  I have been more productive ever since.  I have been posting here more.  The best part is that now I have more time to check blogs of old friends and I am discovering tons of new ones.

I still look at social media if it is related to some news I have read, but it stops there. I no longer look at the people that are part of my past, they are not part of my future.  I don’t look at certain celebrities as whatever they are eating or what vacations they are taking make no difference in my life.  I no longer have the list of 20 sites that I would religiously look at every day, often multiple times a day.  This harmless curiosity can actually be harmful if it is affecting one’s life.  It was affecting mine.

“In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.”  – Albert Camus

I am curious about AL’s life.  I miss his face and his texts.  I miss his humor.  I miss his flirting.  I don’t miss ending up feeling unimportant and undervalued.  I don’t miss feeling I am doing something I shouldn’t be doing.  All this missing is becoming less and less. Soon it will be just a bleep, just a page in the book of my life, too insignificant to be a chapter.

Thank you AL for not contacting me.   Your silence is all the friendship I need from you at this point. I treasure what we had (or what I thought we had).

Today someone asked me if I only like younger men.  I answered:  Not necessarily, they like me!

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” – Lao Tzu

 

 

Is trying to help good enough?

09 Saturday Dec 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

≈ 43 Comments

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“When we give cheerfully and accept gratefully, everyone is blessed.”  – Maya Angelou

Anytime I do anything for anyone I think it was not good enough or it was done incorrectly.

Now at Christmas I struggle with buying gifts and giving tips.  I don’t know what to get. For the people that I give cash to, I don’t know how much to give.  If I buy someone a gift I think I should have bought something else.  Or I should have spent more money.  Or I should have bought two gifts. It is a constant nagging feeling.

At this time of the year I give to a few charities.  Again I second guess myself with which charities to help and how much to give.

Does anyone else suffer with that “never enough” or “not good enough” feeling?

“A kind gesture can reach a wound that only compassion can heal.” -Steve Maraboli

The day before Thanksgiving, the concierge in my building called to say I had a package waiting for me downstairs.   When I got to the lobby I encountered her and a man I had never seen before fumbling with a First Aid kit. His hand was dripping blood.

I asked what happened and if he needed help. He jokingly said: I do if you are a nurse. I said I was not.  He said he had gotten locked out of his apartment and while forcing the door handle it broke and it cut him.

I asked him if he wanted to come up to my apartment and wash up and dress the wound properly. He said: really? You don’t mind?

I said: of course not! Come.

We got to my apartment and I directed him to the bathroom where I got him larger Band-Aids, peroxide, Neosporin, cotton balls, paper towels, etc. The blood was refusing to stop flowing. The cut was much deeper than I originally thought.

I offered to drive him to the hospital to get stitches but he refused.  He said he would go the following day if need be.  Right now he would just wait for his girlfriend to get home with the apartment keys. They had just moved in a couple of weeks before.

I helped him apply pressure for awhile, then pour peroxide and apply Neosporin.  We  put 3 large Band-Aids on top of each other. After that he thanked me profusely and hugged me good bye.

As soon as he left I started second guessing myself. I started listing in my head all the things I could have done better. I should have taken control of the situation and lifted up his hand to stop the bleeding. I should have told him to wait for his girlfriend sitting comfortably in my apartment instead of letting him leave before she had arrived.  I should have offered him something to drink/eat.

I continued thinking about it until I went to bed taking awhile for me to fall asleep.  Why do I do that?  Why do I torture myself with such thoughts when there is nothing I can do at this point?

I know that I did all I thought to do at that moment. Shouldn’t that be enough?  Why can’t I be okay with that knowledge?

“You have not lived today until you have done something for someone who can never repay you.” – John Bunyan

On Thursday as I was getting to work, there was a figure sitting on the corner of the street past my office building.  From far I couldn’t tell gender, age, anything, as the person had a blanket on their head. Instead of getting into my building I went to the corner and approached the person.  I said hi, how are you?  I know that is a stupid question to ask someone in that situation.

A young man lifted his head and looked up at me startled. I saw fatigue and emptiness in his eyes.  I took $20 dollars from my bag and was handing it to him but before he could take it I pulled it away for a second and said:  Do you promise to buy yourself a hot breakfast with it?

Seeming elated he said: Yes, yes, I am going now and pointed to Dunkin Donuts a few doors down.  As he said that he was getting up and going. He left his belongings and took off.

I was happy that he was getting food, but I immediately regretted my attitude.

Why did I need to tell him how to spend the money?  Any time I give money to a homeless person I don’t know how the person is going to spend it.  I give it with heart, gratitude and hope that they will get something to eat.  Ultimately what they choose to do is on them.

I felt ugly by not handing the money until he agreed to get something to eat. In a way I was exercising power over someone less fortunate than me at that moment.  It didn’t feel right.

At times when I am helping others it is as if my brain stops functioning. I just react.  A few minutes later, when my brain has a chance to analyze it I start finding faults with my actions.

Another area for me to work on.  Do what you think it is good at that moment. But if for some reason you think you fell short, don’t chastise yourself! Just tell yourself you will do better next time and move on.

Now I feel bad I made this post all about me while it could have been about helping others or the homelessness crisis in America.

I think it is about time I go back to searching for ways to volunteer my time and energy.

“The best way to not feel hopeless is to get up and do something. Don’t wait for good things to happen to you. If you go out and make some good things happen, you will fill the world with hope, you will fill yourself with hope.” – Barack Obama