“Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.” – William Shakespeare
I have been online dating on and off for the past 5 years. For some reason I don’t hate it like so many people do. I take the good with the bad and I amused by the entertainment.
Even though I want the fairy-tale and I will not give up until I get it, I realize that most often is not Prince Charming I meet. I meet the frog, I meet the Pumpkin, the clown, and they are all teachers. So I learn, laugh and keep on going.
I want to write some of what helps me held myself together and not lose my mind at some of the more disappointing side of these online interactions.
I also have to point out that I have had many good men online. Some have become a friend and for that I am so grateful. There are men just like you and I at these sites. People that have been hurt before, people that want to find love and companionship, people with good hearts and high morals. Knowing that keeps me going.
This is my list of the requirement necessary to be able to survive online, as I see it. Minor scratches are inevitable, but we shouldn’t be left scarred by the experience.
“We accept the love we think we deserve.” – Stephen Chbosky
You need to:
- Love yourself first. Value and appreciate yourself. Have so much love for yourself that no one and nothing can make you value yourself any less. Don’t accept any less.
- Be able to take rejection. If hearing a NO, if being ignored, will leave you feeling useless online dating is not for you. To me each rejection is a favor, is a blessing, is the Universe removing someone that wouldn’t be good for me.
- Listen to you intuition/gut. If something feels weird, don’t ignore it, run. I am all for giving people the benefit of the doubt, but your safety and sanity are the most important things here. When in doubt cut all ties and move on.
- Know yourself and your limits. Know what you want and what you are willing to put up with. Don’t be confused about your needs and wants. You cannot receive what you don’t know you need/want.
- Be clear. Avoid miscommunication at all costs. When in doubt, ask. Never assume you guys are in the same page. Don’t be wishy-washy.
- Know your comfort level/ Learn how to say no. If you are only comfortable in exchanging emails and not talking on the phone, then do that. Don’t get talked into doing something you don’t want. If someone is not willing to work with your comfort level then they are not for you. I have had many guys not willing to meet me because I was not willing to give my phone number before meeting. I never regret respecting my comfort level. And my comfort level changes depending on the person. I respect that also.
- Let go of the need to know and to have answers. I used to want answers. I wanted to know why someone behaved a certain way towards me. Why was someone mean and hurtful? I would spend nights awake thinking of what I did wrong. Knowing what caused somebody to behave a certain doesn’t change the fact that they did. Be okay with just not knowing.
- Know when is the time to let go and move on. I have held on to bad guys for much longer than necessary. I would hope that things would get better, that they would change. Instead I got to see more of the same behavior, I grew more disappointed and frustrated. Don’t throw good energy, time and love in people that are not making the same effort. Cut your losses and move on.
- Grow a think skin. I have been called names, all kinds of names, names that I would never repeat or write here. I have been called names for no reason, for perhaps not behaving in the way they wanted, for sticking to my principals, who knows why. The point is that it no longer bothers me. Why should I take into account the opinion of someone that doesn’t even know me. I know my actions are in line with my heart and moral, nothing else matters.
- Be kind to others. Always treat others with kindness. I never stoop to anybody’s level. As Michelle Obama once said: “When they go low, we go high”. I put myself in their place. Perhaps they are so damaged and hurt that they don’t know any other way, but to attack.
- Take compliments with a grain of salt. The same way you shouldn’t let insults bother you, don’t let compliments go to your head. This last guy I dated showered me with compliments. He said he couldn’t believe that I chose to even reply to his email. He would look at my face and say he was mesmerized by my beauty. It is hard no to fall for that, but do not let that blind you to everything that is going on at the same time.
- Be kind to yourself. Don’t chastise yourself if something didn’t go well and it was your fault. Perhaps you haven’t been so nice to someone, perhaps you had a bad day and gave someone a mean answer, perhaps you assumed the worst about someone and turned out to be wrong. Whatever it is, just say sorry, forgive yourself and move on.
- Never ever make excuses or be sorry for wanting what you want. You have this precious gift of life. It is your right to choose who you want to share with. You don’t need a good reason or explanation why you want or don’t want someone. Someone may seem perfect, but perhaps he is not perfect for you.
“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” – Marilyn Monroe
I could go on and on…yes you know I could :-), but this is a good start. Also if you are starting out online dating take a look at this post I wrote awhile back:
Please be safe! Even when you think you know someone you really don’t know. Safeguard your heart, your sanity, and most important your physical body.
It seems that every other profile I see lately is some kind of scam. It try to report them all. I am considering approaching dating sites and asking to be paid for making their site safer. I should get a fee for each scam profile I report.
How wonderful would be to have a guy sing me Lady. How wonderful is Kenny Rogers and Lionel Richie together?
This is my weekend mood:
HAPPY SAFE DATING! HAVE A BLESSED WEEKEND YOU ALL!!