Daily Archives: January 26, 2018

Not just surviving, but thriving while online dating

26 Friday Jan 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.”  – William Shakespeare

I have been online dating on and off for the past 5 years.  For some reason I don’t hate it like so many people do.  I take the good with the bad and I amused by the entertainment.

Even though I want the fairy-tale and I will not give up until I get it, I realize that most often is not Prince Charming I meet.  I meet the frog, I meet the Pumpkin, the clown, and they are all teachers.    So I learn, laugh and keep on going.

I want to write some of what helps me held myself together and not lose my mind at some of the more disappointing side of these online interactions.

I also have to point out that I have had many good men online.  Some have become a friend and for that I am so grateful.  There are men just like you and I at these sites.  People that have been hurt before, people that want to find love and companionship, people with good hearts and high morals.  Knowing that keeps me going.

This is my list of the requirement necessary to be able to survive online, as I see it.  Minor scratches are inevitable, but we shouldn’t be left scarred by the experience.

“We accept the love we think we deserve.” – Stephen Chbosky

You need to:

  • Love yourself first.  Value and appreciate yourself. Have so much love for yourself that no one and nothing can make you value yourself any less. Don’t accept any less.
  • Be able to take rejection.  If hearing a NO, if being ignored, will leave you feeling useless online dating is not for you.  To me each rejection is a favor, is a blessing, is the Universe removing someone that wouldn’t be good for me.
  • Listen to you intuition/gut.  If something feels weird, don’t ignore it, run.  I am all for giving people the benefit of the doubt, but your safety and sanity are the most important things here.  When in doubt cut all ties and move on.
  • Know yourself and your limits.  Know what you want and what you are willing to put up with. Don’t be confused about your needs and wants.  You cannot receive what you don’t know you need/want.
  • Be clear.  Avoid miscommunication at all costs.  When in doubt, ask.  Never assume you guys are in the same page.  Don’t be wishy-washy.
  • Know your comfort level/ Learn how to say no.  If you are only comfortable in exchanging emails and not talking on the phone, then do that.  Don’t get talked into doing something you don’t want.  If someone is not willing to work with your comfort level then they are not for you. I have had many guys not willing to meet me because I was not willing to give my phone number before meeting.  I never regret respecting my comfort level.  And my comfort level changes depending on the person.  I respect that also.
  • Let go of the need to know and to have answers.  I used to want answers.  I wanted to know why someone behaved a certain way towards me.  Why was someone mean and hurtful? I would spend nights awake thinking of what I did wrong.  Knowing what caused somebody to behave a certain doesn’t change the fact that they did. Be okay with just not knowing.
  • Know when is the time to let go and move on.  I have held on to bad guys for much longer than necessary. I would hope that things would get better, that they would change.  Instead I got to see more of the same behavior, I grew more disappointed and frustrated.  Don’t throw good energy, time and love in people that are not making the same effort. Cut your losses and move on.
  • Grow a think skin.  I have been called names, all kinds of names, names that I would never repeat or write here.  I have been called names for no reason, for perhaps not behaving in the way they wanted, for sticking to my principals, who knows why.  The point is that it no longer bothers me.  Why should I take into account the opinion of someone that doesn’t even know me.  I know my actions are in line with my heart and moral, nothing else matters.
  • Be kind to others.  Always treat others with kindness.  I never stoop to anybody’s level. As Michelle Obama once said:  “When they go low, we go high”.  I put myself in their place.  Perhaps they are so damaged and hurt that they don’t know any other way, but to attack.
  • Take compliments with a grain of salt.  The same way you shouldn’t let insults bother you, don’t let compliments go to your head.  This last guy I dated showered me with compliments.  He said he couldn’t believe that I chose to even reply to his email.  He would look at my face and say he was mesmerized by my beauty.  It is hard no to fall for that, but do not let that blind you to everything that is going on at the same time.
  • Be kind to yourself. Don’t chastise yourself if something didn’t go well and it was your fault.  Perhaps you haven’t been so nice to someone, perhaps you had a bad day and gave someone a mean answer, perhaps you assumed the worst about someone and turned out to be wrong.  Whatever it is, just say sorry, forgive yourself and move on.
  • Never ever make excuses or be sorry for wanting what you want.  You have this precious gift of life.  It is your right to choose who you want to share with.  You don’t need a good reason or explanation why you want or don’t want someone.  Someone may seem perfect, but perhaps he is not perfect for you.

“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” – Marilyn Monroe

I could go on and on…yes you know I could :-), but this is a good start.  Also if you are starting out online dating take a look at this post I wrote awhile back:

https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.com/2016/10/27/how-to-spot-a-fake-dating-profile/

Please be safe!  Even when you think you know someone you really don’t know. Safeguard your heart, your sanity, and most important your physical body.

It seems that every other profile I see lately is some kind of scam.  It try to report them all.  I am considering approaching dating sites and asking to be paid for making their site safer.  I should get a fee for each scam profile I report.

How wonderful would be to have a guy sing me Lady.  How wonderful is Kenny Rogers and Lionel Richie together?

This is my weekend mood:

HAPPY SAFE DATING!  HAVE A BLESSED WEEKEND YOU ALL!!

No crying at this funeral

26 Friday Jan 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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I was surprised and glad he didn’t reply yesterday.  Today he reached out as if all is the same.   Here is his text (the bottom part following the exchange from yesterday):

The first word that comes to mind is: CLUELESS. Is he on some kind of medication? Were we in the same relationship together?

I am so surprisingly unemotional about it that my friend A said that I cannot deny this moment.  He said I need to feel to heal.

I don’t want to waste my energy on the past but I think my friend has a point.  Every loss, no matter how small and brief needs to be mourned.  I cannot just brush it up like it never happened.

Even though my heart is fine and I am not feeling any sort of sadness, this loss happened and it marked me.  I need to mourn it, to dissect it and then move on.

He was a potential, a possibility, a what if.  He was a maybe that seemed so certain for a moment in time.  When he arrived he was such a sweet surprise.  My heart sang, my spirit soared. I spoke about him to people such a sure thing I thought he was.

The best part was that he seemed to feel the same way and he was not afraid to let me know. In his presence I felt like the most beautiful woman in the world.  I don’t remember a guy ever having that strong an effect on me.

And then something happened.  One day I may find out what really happened, why he he changed, but that is really not even important.  What is important is that the dream died almost as fast as it arrived.

I am taking 5 minutes now to be sad, to wallow in pity, to ponder about it, to lick my wounds and then close that chapter and move on. I am digging deep and bringing it all to the surface.

“When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.” – Kahlil Gibran

I wanted it to work.  I was in love with the idea of us.  I could see our potential.  Now I feel taken for granted, unappreciated. How can he turn his back so easily on we?  How can he so easily throw a miracle away?

What was my role in it and how I can improve on going forward?

I am not saying I did anything wrong.  I didn’t!  I was myself and I will not apologize for that.  He probably didn’t do anything wrong either.  We were victims of the circumstances.  We had different expectations, wants and communications styles.

I do intend to take full advantage of all the experiences I go through in life, taking the time to learn and improve. I see areas that I could fine tune.

Please feel free to give me your 2 cents, or a whole dollar for that matter. My heart and mind are open to receive your feedback.

“Tell me and I forget, teach me and I may remember, involve me and I learn.” -Benjamin Franklin 

Areas to improve:

  • I was too honest.  While honesty is a virtue and I pride myself on it, it doesn’t mean that I have to say it all that comes to mind.
  • I was too available.  Any time he contacted me I replied. I made myself free any time he wanted to meet.  My life was him.
  • I gave him too many options and left the ball on his court.  I put myself at his mercy.
  • I put all my eggs in one basket.  I immediately stopped dating and talking to anyone else.
  • I presented no mystery. I was an open book from the beginning.  It is okay to reveal yourself slowly and not all at the beginning.
  • Perhaps I expected too much too soon

“Let the improvement of yourself keep you so busy that you have no time to criticize others.” -Roy T. Bennet

What did I do right? (and this part is debatable)

  • I was myself.  There is no greater joy then being myself and making no excuse for it.
  • I played not games, or played hard to get.
  • I spoke my mind.  I had opinions and was not afraid to share.
  • I didn’t expect him to read my mind I told him how I felt and what I wanted.
  • I was open minded and willing to be the one to choose the restaurant, even though he said he would do it and then didn’t.  I have canceled dates for less than that so I really give myself credit for this.

I still think he is a great person. It may seem crazy but I still would welcome a friendship. I know he is going through something.  Perhaps it is something that I don’t want to get involved in and I am being spared.

When we spent time together he was the most kind, considerate man I ever met. It was all about me and about making sure I was okay.

I believe in redemption. I believe in the goodness of people. I don’t believe that most people set out to hurt others. Most are hurt themselves and just don’t know how to deal with that pain, so they in turn hurt whoever is next to them.

My doctor friend A,  is someone that I dated and that I thought it was going to go somewhere. That was over 2 years ago.  Then he started to slowly disappear. I am not even sure how it happened.  It hurt me, I was confused.  Then he reached out and we start talking and meeting for brunch.  There has never been any romance after we started to see each other again and it has been perfect that way.  Our friendship has blossomed and I know he is a friend that I can count on.  I am glad that I decided to look past his prior behavior that to this day there is no explanation and I actually don’t need one.  We are much better friends than we would have been as a couple.

“Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.” – Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

I don’t know if Peter would welcome a friendship, but we shall see.

If I am going to completely honest looking at this almost relationship with a clinical eye I have to point out the following hurdles that I would have to get over to make the romantic relationship work:

1) Lack of deep conversation. I seemed to be doing all the talking and a lot of the conversation seemed to be superficial.  I thought that perhaps things would get better with time.  I need mental stimulation,
2) Lack of Passion. We held hands, we kissed.  I think there was more passion in the hand holding then in the kissing. He seemed to enjoy the kisses, but I hate to say it was just not that pleasurable to me.  Not the type of kiss I am used to. I had hoped I could teach him the way I like it, but I wondered if he would be open to learning. I need passion.
3)There was a couple of answers to questions about his past that it didn’t seem to add up to what I had found online.  While it was not anything serious, it raised some doubts in my mind as to the real truth.  I need honesty.

RIP potential relationship!

Enough about Peter!

NEXT!!

“It was too perfect to last,’ so I am tempted to say of our marriage. But it can be meant in two ways. It may be grimly pessimistic – as if God no sooner saw two of His creatures happy than He stopped it (‘None of that here!’). As if He were like the Hostess at the sherry-party who separates two guests the moment they show signs of having got into a real conversation. But it could also mean ‘This had reached its proper perfection. This had become what it had in it to be. Therefore of course it would not be prolonged.’ As if God said, ‘Good; you have mastered that exercise. I am very pleased with it. And now you are ready to go on to the next.”  – C.S. Lewis