Category Archives: Finding Me

Anything related to the discovery of the inner me

Moving, at any speed, but moving

12 Sunday Jan 2020

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” I long to accomplish a great and noble task, but it is my chief duty to accomplish small tasks as if they were great and noble.” – Helen Keller

The year had a slow start for me.  I guess I had unreasonable expectations for the beginning of the new year.  It is like I expected to wake up in the first day of the new year and magically everything made sense, work magically became less stressful and I again started exercising daily at 5am.

The truth was not even close.  I didn’t magically become this dynamo of motivation and energy.

Work is now even more stressful.  I continue toying with the idea of making a change, working part-time or even quitting. (but I am realistic also)

I haven’t been sleeping through the night in a couple of months (I blame hot flashes),  so even though I wake up in time to exercise I can’t make myself get up and go.

10 days into the new year I realize that I need to get going or I will spend the whole year just dreaming and planning to get things done but not really doing anything.  It is  not magic or wishful thinking but hard work that makes one succeed.

A new day on the calendar doesn’t mean a miraculous new beginning, but it does present a magical chance to start over.  Nothing can be done about yesterday, but today is all mine to get stuff done.

“Don’t judge each day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds you plant.” – Robert Louis Stevenson

I am snapping out of this stupor that I have been on the last couple of months and get going.  I have taken some baby steps and here they are:

  • Flooring.  I am finally getting the floor of my bedroom done after being stuck in indecision and overthinking.  I went to Home Depot and chose the color and material it in 5 minutes.  The color chosen is below.  Feeling accomplished!

  • Walton Oak Lifeproof vinyl plank

  • Unclogged pipes. After spending months with bathtubs and sinks draining slowly and waiting for the plumber to get back to me, my sister returned from the grocery store with a Drano kit that comes with a plastic snake. I laughed at it, but I was proven wrong. This plastic snake cleaned years of dirt, hair, and other gunk.  It worked like magic. No more waiting for plumbers to get back to me.  Feeling powerful!

  • Drano with snake

  • Mosaics. I love working with them but I keep waiting for the right time and place to continue developing this craft. I was going to rent a studio, then decided against spending the money.  I finally found a place to learn and work with mosaics.  I just sent them an email and I am waiting for the class/workshop times.   I am so excited to get back to that passion.

  • Flowers and Butterflies

  • Dating.  After months of not feeling motivated to be dating or talking to anyone online, this week I finally logged in and chatted to a couple of nice (hopefully) people.  While I still didn’t schedule any dates I feel ready to get back to it.  Feeling fun and hopeful again.
  • Exercising.  I am still not exercising in the morning but I am doing something every evening even if it is just dancing to a few song or some lunges and squats.

I am so far from where I wanted to be or thought I should be at this moment in time. All I have to say is that I am aiming for movement.  Whatever I can do not to feel stuck. One step at a time,  one day at a time. I will get there.

Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid only of standing still. – Confucius

2020: New Year, same plans

01 Wednesday Jan 2020

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“Hope smiles from the threshold of the year to come,
Whispering ‘it will be happier’…”
― Alfred Lord Tennyson

A New Year is upon us.  It feels like 2019 just barely started and it is already over. What have I done in 2019?  What have I accomplished?   If I were to take inventory of 2019 I don’t think I would like the results.  I am older, achier, exhausted.

The idea that I wasted a whole year is just grim.  With that in mind, should I go through the motions of creating new plans and resolutions for 2020 that I know I will never follow through with them?

I think that what I need to do is to start finishing off old projects and following my passions.  Here are some of them:

  • Ski more– at least I went to Colorado in the beginning of December, need to go again before the end of the season
  • Learn French – I do know a lot words and was able to make some small talk, but have not continued studying, so I lost it all.  Need to pick it up again and not let go
  • Fix my hip issues – Attempted to work on it, but didn’t care for what the doctor suggested.  I need to choose another route instead of just doing nothing
  • Lose weight – the eternal drama that gets worst with age as metabolism slows down.  Looking at pictures from prior years I realize that I was not really fat when I thought I was fat.  Message here:  Enjoy the now! We are never as bad as we think we are. So let’s love and accept ourselves NOW!
  • Start doing mosaics again – One of my passions.  Had to pack up my stuff when my sister moved in.  I thought about renting a studio to work on them.  My realtor found me a cheap place, but even at $850.00 I still cannot see myself investing that much per month on a hobby. Need to try to look for lessons again.
  • Read more – Finish all the books that I have started. I have at least 20 books that have been started. I hear of a subject, an author, I buy the book, I read 1 page, put it aside and move on to the next.  My sister and I decided to do a book club.  Book club of 2, but at least that way we are both forced to finish a book.

What projects do you intend to start or finish in 2020?

“I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes.

Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You’re doing things you’ve never done before, and more importantly, you’re Doing Something.

So that’s my wish for you, and all of us, and my wish for myself. Make New Mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody’s ever made before. Don’t freeze, don’t stop, don’t worry that it isn’t good enough, or it isn’t perfect, whatever it is: art, or love, or work or family or life.

Whatever it is you’re scared of doing, Do it.

Make your mistakes, next year and forever.”
― Neil Gaiman

************

“No one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of another.”
― Charles Dickens

At the end of the year I choose some charities to donate to.  I try to choose causes that are close to my heart, such as Education, Homelessness, Children and the Elderly.

I always donate to theses 3:

Along with those I always donate to some GoFund causes as I come across them.  They normally involve children or injustice.

I also alternate donating to some of the following:

This year I was helping out another local church with their soup kitchen until I suspected that my donations were being misused.  I am in search of another local place to help throughout the year.

I normally check https://www.charitynavigator.org/ for ideas and reviews on charities.

What causes/charities are close to your heart?

“Help others without any reason and give without the expectation of receiving anything in return.”― Roy T. Bennett

I WISH YOU ALL LOVE AND LIGHT! MAY 2020 BE MAGICAL!

THANK YOU FOR YOUR KINDNESS AND LOVE IN 2019!

Vacation? NO! just work postponement

12 Thursday Dec 2019

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Dating, Finding Me

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I came back from my vacation and I am a bit overwhelmed.  It was not the right time for me to go away; but then again it is never the right time to leave.  I am glad I booked ahead of time so I had to go.

Vacations have a price. And I am not talking about airfare, hotel, etc.  I am talking about the price you pay when you come back.  The unpacking, the getting caught up with work, the getting a routine back.  Getting life back to normal is hard.

But I digress, let me relive my days in Winter Park, Colorado by telling you about it:

Day 1, Tuesday: Travel day. I left LaGuardia airport at 8 am. After the flight and a 1 and a half hour van ride I walked into the Zephyr Mountain Lodge at 3:30 pm. After leaving my bags in the room I went to get my skis for the next day.  I have my own boots and helmet, but I rent the skis.

Zephyr Lodge

Day 2, Wednesday:  I woke up late.  It is great not having to wake up with an alarm clock, specially since I haven’t been sleeping well lately.  At 10 am I finally stepped on the snow.  After dreaming about it for the past 2 years it felt amazing.  I was so grateful for everything, for nature, for being able to go.  I was surprised that I did better than I expected.

Beautiful sunny day

Day 3, Thursday: I woke up with a beautiful, majestic snow falling. It was magnificent and awe-inspiring! But I must confess, it was inspiring me to stay indoors.  I considered not going skiing.  I considered the cold, it felt so cozy inside.  I considered the hassle of the equipment, the heavy boots, the skis.  I considered that pang of fear creeping in.  I considered just staying in the room and watching the snow showers from my window.  After all, no one would know.

“My ambition is handicapped by laziness” -― Charles Bukowski, Factotum

But of course I would know. It took a couple of hours for me to talk myself into going out. I am so glad I did! I had an amazing time. I skied until they were closing at 4 pm. I am so glad I didn’t let the voices inside my head win and keep me from being on the snow.

I don’t have to be perfect or do well.  I just have to get out there and do what I love!

Warm inside, snowing outside

Day 4, Friday: I take lessons every time I go skiing, but this time I had decided that what I really needed was more time on skis.  But after having such a great day the day before I decided to take a lesson.  I am so glad I did.  My instructor’s name was Joy, she was older and absolutely the best.  She gave me good tips and pointed it out exactly what I was doing wrong.

There were two other women in the group.  One of them is a snowboard instructor that needed to learn to ski well to be able to teach both sports.  The other was a mother that wanted to be able to ski with her kids.  We were all in the same ability level so it worked out great.

That was the day I skied the best.  I always do better when I have a teacher/instructor with me. I guess I always want to impress them.  I also think that by following them and what they are doing I forget to pay attention on me and I am able to just let go.

Skiing is letting it all go and letting the body do what it wants to do: go down the mountain.  Without trying to fight it.  I spend a lot time fighting both, my body and mind.

Another beautiful day

Day 5, Saturday: The last skiing day. I started out well. At 12 pm I stopped at Sunspot on the top of the mountain to take a break and drink something.

I saw two women looking for a table and offered to share mine with them.  They were from Atlanta and were attending a friend’s party that weekend. We talked non-stop for over an hour. I had already been sitting at the table  awhile before they joined me, which meant that I sat there for about two hours.

“The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts, while the stupid ones are full of confidence.” – Charles Bukowski

I think that I sat too long and by the time I went back out there I just didn’t do as well as the other days.  I felt out of control.  It seemed my left leg didn’t want to respond to my commands.  I decided to cut it short and stopped at 3 pm instead of staying until 4 pm.

Sunspot: Lunch spot on the mountain

Day 6, Sunday: It was the day to leave.  I woke up at 4:30 am to be ready for the van at 5 pm to take me to the airport. My flight was at 10:52 pm. I landed on JFK at 4:30 pm.  Uneventful flight.  Uneventful day.

Overall I had a great time.  I only missed enjoying the restaurants.  Since I really wanted to focus on skiing this time I didn’t make arrangements to meet any dates.  When I got there I wished I had. I attempted to connect with people online but ended up connecting with someone that was in Aspen, which is way too far from Winter Park to be able to meet on the spur of the moment.

We are still communicating so perhaps there is a trip to Aspen in my future. I have been so impatient with dating lately.  Perhaps it is true that menopause means “Men on Pause”.  I certainly have been on pause way too long and the hot flashes just started.  Is this the end?

Going back to the trip, besides skiing I got a massage, took walks into town, and soaked in the tub while watching movies. I relaxed and forgot about work.

We all need days where we can do whatever we want.  When we sleep at any time, wake up at any time.  No pressure, no deadlines.  Those were those days.

Meeting a local

It renewed my love for skiing. For the challenge of it. For the beauty of it.  It renewed my love for nature.  Nature is so beautiful and inspiring. I am always in awe of this world around us.

Huge snowy mountains reminds me of how small  and insignificant I am.  At the same time it makes me feel powerful and capable of all…if that makes any sense.  It also makes me feel incredibly grateful.  Grateful for life! Grateful for the ability to enjoy its gifts! Grateful for each unique moment!

Now back to reality, but also back to planning the next trip.  Life is beautiful if not only for us to run after the next challenge. To brave new worlds, to get on planes, trains, trails, to brave fears.

What is that one thing that terrifies you and also make you feel so incredibly alive? Skiing is my poison!  What is yours?

View from inside Sunspot

“If you’re going to try, go all the way. Otherwise, don’t even start. This could mean losing girlfriends, wives, relatives and maybe even your mind. It could mean not eating for three or four days. It could mean freezing on a park bench. It could mean jail. It could mean derision. It could mean mockery–isolation. Isolation is the gift. All the others are a test of your endurance, of how much you really want to do it. And, you’ll do it, despite rejection and the worst odds. And it will be better than anything else you can imagine. If you’re going to try, go all the way. There is no other feeling like that. You will be alone with the gods, and the nights will flame with fire. You will ride life straight to perfect laughter. It’s the only good fight there is.”
― Charles Bukowski, Factotum

Refreshing honesty with a side of warm bread

12 Tuesday Nov 2019

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“Shame was an emotion he had abandoned years earlier. Addicts know no shame. You disgrace yourself so many times you become immune to it.” ― John Grisham, The Testament

It is 6am Sunday. The fire alarm in my building starts sounding. I knew there was no fire. Well, I didn’t know for sure but I assumed. The alarm has been malfunctioning and has been going off at times. So, by now, no one cares, which is scary because if there is really ever a fire no one is coming out alive.

Since the alarm was not stopping and we were already up my sister and I decided to go to the supermarket to look for the brown bread from the Cheesecake Factory. I love bread and one of the reasons I love going to the Cheesecake Factory is because of their brown bread served at the beginning of every meal.

Warm bread with butter it my version of paradise. I had heard from a friend that the Cheesecake Factory’s bread was now being sold in some supermarkets.  It seemed like the perfect time to go bread hunting.

To go exercise never came to mind 😦

We get there and as we are walking in I pass a man arranging a bag of cans to recycle. I catch up with my sister that was ahead of me and I mentioned that I felt bad for the man and wondered if he needed anything. She hadn’t noticed him and immediately felt bad. She said: go ask.

I turned around and went outside and approached him. He was on the younger side but it was hard to tell his age as life on the streets has a way of aging people beyond their years. I assumed that he was homeless and lived in a shelter because he had a cart with his belongings with him.

I approached him and said hi. He turned around looking a bit surprised. I asked how he was doing and he answered: good.

I said: I am going to do some shopping. Is there anything you need? Can I get you anything?

I thought he would say coffee, or something along those lines, but he replied with one word:

Beer

Beer? I asked, I am sure looking very surprised. He replied: Yes, I could use some beer now.

I said: It is only 6:30am, they aren’t selling beer yet.

I actually didn’t know if that was true or not, but I was not about to buy him alcohol.

He looked at his watch and agreed with me.

I asked him if I could get him something else and he said: No, that was all I wanted.

I wished him well and said good bye.

Later I checked and found out that grocery stores in NY state are not allowed to sell alcohol on Sundays from 3 am to 12 noon.

I appreciated his honesty. He didn’t try to get me to give him cash or get me to buy things he didn’t want. I pray he is able to fight his demons and come out victorious.

I found the brown bread and it was divine. Why must bread be public enemy number 1? I guess I do love bad boys after all… and by “boys” I mean food.

That man in the parking lot sorting cans is me. His weakness is alcohol, mine is carbs. Hard to say no. Hard to remember to say no.  Vicious cycle of blindly doing, feeling guilty, then doing it again to silence the guilt.

He has work to do and so do I.

“We are addicted to our thoughts. We cannot change anything if we cannot change our thinking.”― Santosh Kalwar

But what if?

06 Wednesday Nov 2019

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“It is nothing to die. It is frightful not to live.”― Victor Hugo, Les Miserables

But what if?

That thought came to mind as I was crossing the street on the way to the doctor.

What if turns out that I do have something to worry about? What if it is cancer?

What do I do then?  Is there anything to do?  What if I had only a few months or weeks to live? What would I do?

Who would I choose to spend the last moments with?  Any final declarations of love? Anyone I need to say sorry to?

Is there anything left undone? Left unsaid?

“The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.”― Mark Twain

Would I continue to do what is expected of me or would I do only what I want? 

Would I ignore my brain completely and only listen to my heart?

Would I do nothing?

I think I would curl into a ball and cry until there were no more tears left. Then I would get up and go on.  I would probably start making lists of everything that I need my sister to take care of.  Even in my dying I would want things organized and people taken care of.

“Life is for the living.
Death is for the dead.
Let life be like music.
And death a note unsaid.”
― Langston Hughes

No, I am not dying, and no it is not cancer.  Well, I don’t think it is.  I don’t have the results yet, but I am not concerned.

The only certainty in life is that we are all dying at some point.  We just don’t know when.  But when the word cancer makes an appearance in our vocabulary, death becomes a new thought.  Movies with sad story lines keeps coming across my mind.

A lot people are alive but not living. Just breathing doesn’t equal living. But then again, who am I to judge how a person chooses to live?  I sit in an office and stare at a screen for the majority of my days.  That is hardly something worth writing about.

Why do I have death in mind? In July I went to a new ob/gyn because my regular one retired.  The pap smear came back abnormal and she wanted me to get a cervical biopsy.

“Each night, when I go to sleep, I die. And the next morning, when I wake up, I am reborn.” – Mahatma Gandhi

I had an abnormal pap in 2016 and at that time the doctor really had me worried.  She referred me to a specialist at the Cancer Institute. It was nothing.  I think it has been abnormal since then but new doctor probably wants to be thorough.

This time I was so unconcerned that it took me from July until October to schedule the biopsy.  I finally got it done last week.  I only did it because I feared my new doctor would let me go as a patient if I didn’t follow through with her request.

I am not a cry baby and have a high tolerance for pain but it hurt like hell, because, of course, the opening of my cervix is absurdly small.  The doctor said that in the future if I have to have it done again she will give me a couple of pills to insert so that it will make it easier the next day.   That was no consolation at that moment in time.

So there is nothing to worry, until there is something to worry.  Cancer and death were stupid thoughts that sneaked by while I wasn’t looking.

The message is:  We are all going to die one day.  Let’s make the most of today!  Let’s indeed live as if we are dying.

 “Death is not the opposite of life, but a part of it.” –― Haruki Murakami

BE HAPPY! NOW!

25 Friday Oct 2019

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Everything ends.

With that in my mind I try to be more conscious of all my blessings.  Of that I have tons and there is no bigger blessing than opportunities.

Lately I have been feeling that I am on a roller-coaster. Between being busy and bracing myself to be busy I am not fully experiencing and enjoying anything.  I am also not taking advantages of opportunities and just accumulating stress.

In Brazil we have a saying that loosely translated means: “I was happy and I didn’t know it”

So many times we don’t realize how good someone or something is, until they are gone.  When don’t honor the people around us, we are not grateful for our jobs, for the food on the table, etc.  Am I taking things for granted?  That I am sure of it!

All that came to mind  today when I realized that this is the last year I will be working in Manhattan.  It is a done deal, we will be moving out of NY City.  Have I taken advantage of the fact that I have been here every single weekday for the past 19 years?  Did I take enough bites of this Big Apple? Chances are I have not.

I have done a lot, gone to many shows, restaurants, bars, events, etc, but there is still so much I haven’t done.  So many museums, galleries, shows, sights, etc that I left for later.  It was all here, easily accessible, and yet so many I kept postponing.

What if later never comes? Can I come to NY again after I stop working here? Yes, absolutely, but not as easy and seamless as already being here.

Why do I worry so much about missed opportunities? While worrying I miss new ones. The key is to stop worrying about that and focus on not missing new ones.  And if I can’t find need ones I need to go about creating new ones.

I need to slow down and be aware of every moment. A lot of my time is spent looking at the past or planning for the future. I guess I am a combination of anxious and depressive. And that is not a joke, it is a realization.

What I want written on my headstone is:  “She never let an opportunity pass by.  She was blessed and she knew it”

“There was another life that I might have had, but I am having this one.” – Kazuo Ishiguro

While I ponder all that is left to do in NYC before I no longer work here I may be able to cross some items off of that list in the next couple of weeks.  Tomorrow at 6am I will be at JFK airport picking up a friend from childhood and her husband.  He is coming to NY to run the NYC marathon.  They don’t speak English and they have no clue of what they want to do while here. So it will be up to my sister and I to entertain them for 10 days.

My aunt, God Bless her soul, used to say:  “Guests are like fish.  After 3 days they start to stink.”

I will keep you guys informed on how bad this stench gets.  All kidding aside what I dread most is the absence of my routine.

“Help others without any reason and give without the expectation of receiving anything in return.”-― Roy T. Bennett

On the subject of where and when to go skiing I came up with the following:  Skiing in Keystone in the first week of December.  I didn’t book anything yet, but I feel good about deciding at least where and when.  I also plan on something overseas in February.

“It does not take much strength to do things, but it requires a great deal of strength to decide what to do.” ― Elbert Hubbard

Be aware, be in the moment, be happy! Slow down and get going!

nyc, mANHA

some moments in small town, Brazil

15 Tuesday Oct 2019

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“Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in.” ― Robert Frost

 

The neighbor’s cat loves that tree

My favorite fruit – Marolo. It is only available in March and in certain areas of Brazil, so we fill the freezer with them

“We leave something of ourselves behind when we leave a place, we stay there, even though we go away. And there are things in us that we can find again only by going back there.” – ― Pascal Mercier, Night Train to Lisbon

Some of Mom’s plants

A close of the view from Mom’s back balcony

Chocolate and coconut fudge

A little church in my friend’s farm

“Perhaps home is not a place but simply an irrevocable condition.” ― James Baldwin, Giovanni’s Room

at the farm the kids found a baby bird

Leaving the farm

Just the beautiful vast green

“I believe that one can never leave home. I believe that one carries the shadows, the dreams, the fears and the dragons of home under one’s skin, at the extreme corners of one’s eyes and possibly in the gristle of the earlobe.” – ― Maya Angelou, Letter to My Daughter

Havan stores use iconic symbols to attract attention

A trip to the hairdresser

“After all,” Anne had said to Marilla once, “I believe the nicest and sweetest days are not those on which anything very splendid or wonderful or exciting happens but just those that bring simple little pleasures, following one another softly, like pearls slipping off a string.” ― L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Avonlea

No just a smile

18 Wednesday Sep 2019

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“A thought, even a possibility, can shatter and transform us.”― Friedrich  Nietzsche

It was just a smile,
Walking a different route
Just another random street
I looked up and saw you coming
A stranger that my heart recognized
You knew me too, I could tell
We got close
You smiled
A smile that disarmed me
We both said hi, but
We never stopped, we never chatted
We kept going
Opposite ways
I never looked back, did you?
It was just a smile

It was just a smile, but to dreamers like me it meant the world.  It meant sustenance.
To those in love with life, a smile that the heart recognizes is a window into a world of possibilities and hope.
There is no one at the moment, no person I am talking to, no date in sight, and because of that nothingness, the entire world is a possibility. And it is perfect, beautiful and so full of miracles!

“You do not need to know precisely what is happening, or exactly where it is all going. What you need is to recognize the possibilities and challenges offered by the present moment, and to embrace them with courage, faith and hope.”― Thomas Merton

Brazil here I come again, and again, and again

03 Tuesday Sep 2019

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  “Chaos is merely order waiting to be deciphered.” ― José Saramago

Time and time again I am being taught that nothing is under my control and not everything can be done according to my clock.  I have to wait for people and things and waiting kills me.  At this moment life feels chaotic and I am learning (kicking and screaming) to be okay with it.

I like order and everything organized, but messy is becoming my new normal.  The work I am doing in my apartment is not completed yet and at this point has no completion date.  I wanted to have it all done before I brought my Mom here for her biannual visit.  It will not be the case.

“You may delay, but time will not.” ― Benjamin Franklin

Time got away from me.  All of a sudden I realized that September is here and I still hadn’t scheduled a date to go to Brazil.  So last week I got tickets for tomorrow.  My lack of planning resulted in paying an arm and a leg for the tickets. I will try to plan things better in the future, but it seems that there is never a right time to leave work.  Since this trip is so last minute I will be taking my laptop with me and will be doing work from there. I am already regretting having said I was going to do that.

I will be in Brazil for 10 days, bring Mom here for 3 weeks, then returning to Brazil to take Mom home.  After Mom turned 80 and her health has declined a bit I don’t like to let her travel alone anymore.

In the meantime I still haven’t planned my skiing trip.  Perhaps there is a Ski Trip Fairy that will come in during the night and put an itinerary under my pillow.

One can hope.

“By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.” ― Benjamin Franklin

That man in the corner is my brother, not my fiance

30 Friday Aug 2019

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“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle.” ― Plato

I hadn’t seen Matthew for a while, perhaps because I have been getting to work at 7am and he arrives at the corner of Madison and 34th later than that.

I have mentioned him on different posts. My heart breaks for him and all the other homeless people.  I try to stop and talk to them if I feel it is safe. Unfortunately a lot of them are afflicted by mental illness.  I know what is like to feel invisible (I have never been homeless, but I will always be a 17 year old immigrant).  The hunger oftentimes is not for food.

We talk about everything. We talk about our families and plans. He asks about my dating life. Even he can’t figure out why I am still single. He probably thinks what everyone thinks: “There must be something wrong with her”. 🙂

“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.”  ― Leo Buscaglia

He is so upbeat, specially this morning. I want to believe that he really believes everything he is saying and not just telling me what I want to hear. Listening to him speak one would think he will be off the streets in a day or two. Not the case, and I fear we both know it.

I tell him to keep positive, pray for guidance, trust in God – all the things I tell anyone going through any hardship.  I want him to go to his father for help, but he always has some excuse why not yet.  About a year ago he mentioned visiting his father, but according to him, he returned here to get his life together.

“More smiling, less worrying. More compassion, less judgment. More blessed, less stressed. More love, less hate.” ― Roy T. Bennett

Today he told me that he worked with someone washing awnings a couple of times this week and there is one lady in the hotel industry that promised to get him a job cleaning hotel rooms. Fingers crossed.

He made a point of showing me his nails and saying: “Look how clean they are. I am the homeless guy with the cleanest nails in NY City”.

We also talked about that video he appeared on. I mentioned it here: https://atomic-temporary-33385295.wpcomstaging.com/2018/12/28/more-good-more-light-more-love-in-2019/

He was upset about it. He says he found out it is not really about philanthropy but a commercial for Amazon Prime Now. I don’t know if that is true or not. He mentioned had he known that he wouldn’t have signed the release.

He was worried most about his father.  He said: “Can you imagine if my father sees it?”

I pacified him by saying: “If he hasn’t seen it by now he probably never will.”

“Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them, humanity cannot survive.” ― Dalai Lama XIV

Isn’t that amazing that some of us, no matter our ages still care what our parents think? I have been living on my own in another country since I was 17 years old and it is extremely important to me that I am as good and generous as my parents think I am. It is important to me that my family is proud of me.

Unfortunately sometimes is tough going through life with my mother in my mind watching my every step.

I gave Matthew an apple and $10.00. Oftentimes by the time I get to my office and look out the window I see him in line at the coffee cart, specially in the winter. I like seeing that, but really I give to him and others with a good heart and good intentions, but once the money leaves my hands it is no longer mine. It is theirs and they can do whatever they want.

I walked away waving good bye and wishing him a good day. He yelled back: “Marry me!”

… and I thought I would never hear that in my lifetime! 🙂

“A human being is a part of the whole called by us universe, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feeling as something separated from the rest, a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.”  ― Albert Einstein