Category Archives: Finding Me

Anything related to the discovery of the inner me

No control, no problem!

10 Monday Feb 2020

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“Peace begins
When expectation ends.”
― Sri Chinmoy

M and I continue to date.  We talk every night.  We don’t text a lot and don’t see each other at lot.  He works nights, and since he is about to retire at the end of this month he has tons to get done before that.  I said I understood.

I wrote this post the other day when I was contemplating my feelings and behavior in this relationship.  Even though I am interested in him and I enjoy spending time with him I am not standing by the phone or stressing out if he takes too long to call.

In prior relationships anything would give me the sense of doom. A call not returned, a texted not replied, I would already start foreseeing the end.  Now I am different.  I don’t care.  I don’t give any power to things that happen or don’t happen.

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.”― Rumi

I have been feeling so free and less stressed as a result of not overthinking and not overreacting.  It is great having no expectations and taking one day at a time.

When I met M I was about to get off of POF and e-Harmony.  I was tired of those sites and wanted to take a break and then go to another site.  On the second date I told him that I was no longer on POF.  He offered to remove his profile right then and there. I said: “don’t”. I meant it.

At this point I don’t really care what he is doing. I feel free doing this relationship this way. In the past I have tried to dictate, to foresee, to control things. It only caused heartache and pain for me.

I don’t know if he is the one for me.  Time will tell.

I don’t know if my family and friends will like him. Time will tell.

I don’t know if I can accept his convictions. Time will tell.

I don’t know if we will grow together or apart. Time will tell.

In life and in love:

Anytime I try to control the situation I lose.

Anytime I try to foresee the outcome I lose.

Anytime I am in the future planning I lose.

Anytime I am in the past brooding I lose.

Nothing is a guarantee.  Even the best laid plans sometimes fail, why worry about it.

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.”― Lao Tzu

It feels so good to be free from expectations. I am being vigilant about having expectations. Any time I catch an inkling of expectation I make myself aware of what I am doing and I stop it.

Having no expectations doesn’t mean that I accept poor treatment.  It just means that I am not making somebody else responsible for my needs and wants.

Instead of expecting things from M and from others I am making sure that I am treating myself with the kindness, attention and the love I want and deserve.

I am giving myself more power by letting go of the need to control. I don’t need to control, I don’t need to react.  I don’t need to know and plan every step.  I am in control by letting go of control.  It is funny how that works.

Now I just welcome the good, and reject the bad, as they come, when they come.  I welcome  and rejoice with the little surprises and I don’t stress over the mundane.

This relationship feels calming and so comfortable. It is like wearing pajamas and having a cup of cafe mocha while a cold rain falls outside.

“Don’t despair: despair suggests you are in total control and know what is coming. You don’t – surrender to events with hope.” – Alain de Botton

Making a match and making mosaics

25 Saturday Jan 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover’s arms can only come later when you’re sure they won’t laugh if you trip.”― Jonathan Carroll, Outside The Dog Museum

While this budding romance continues to bud I enjoy reading everything about the pairing of Aries (me) and Cancer (he) and also Horse (me) and Rabbit (he).  According to both Western and Chinese Zodiacs this is not a match made in heaven.  Some sites say that it is the worst match of the zodiac.

I wish it would say the opposite but then again nothing that is too easy is worth it.  A romance against all odds (Zodiac or otherwise) makes it for a better romance. Apparently I am too aggressive and he is too sensitive, can we bridge that gap? I am up for the challenge.

We text once or twice a day and speak on the phone every night.  It feels right, even though it is so early in the game.

“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.”― Carl Gustav Jung

***

“Creativity takes courage. ”― Henri Matisse

I started my mosaic class/workshop last Tuesday. There were 4 other women of various ages plus the instructor sitting around a table.  Each one works on a project of their choice. The instructor provides the space, supplies and of course instruction.

I am making the Brazilian flag on the top of a folding table.  I am kicking myself now for not taking pictures before I started.  I will try to remember to take pictures next time so I can show the progress.

I am so excited about finding this studio and getting back to this craft that I love. I am not creative at all so this is a way to get those nonexistent juices flowing.

All the women there were so welcoming and friendly I felt like I was among friends.  I am looking forward to going back to finish my project and to see them.

“Learn the rules like a pro, so you can break them like an artist.”― Pablo Picasso

The Second Date: foam heart, kissing cheeks and so much promise

22 Wednesday Jan 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“Don’t answer the door in a wedding dress and veil, he might not think you’re joking.” – Amy Sedaris, I like You: Hospitality Under the Influence

Even though we had a great first date I didn’t want to expect too much from the second date.  I am used to having great first dates and then either the guy disappears or he becomes someone else on the second date. I was cautiously optimistic.

We met at R Café and Tea Boutique in New Rochelle. It is cool little place near my apartment.   I had a café mocha with a scone.  He had a latte with a croissant.  He pointed it out to me that the barista made a heart out of milk foam on my cup.

The message was not lost on us.  We both believe in signs so a minor detail such as a heart in cup is to us message from the Universe. Color us fools wanting to be in love.

Similar to the first date we had fun.  We talked, laughed and smiled a lot.  I am still smiling.  Again, he paid me a lot of compliments.  He complimented my hair, my earrings, and again he oohed and aahed over how young looking he thinks my face is.  At some point he also mentioned he needs to get new glasses, but we are not going to dwell on his poor vision now. Lol

“Tenderness is the repose of passion.” – Joseph Joubert, The Notebooks of Joseph Joubert

At one point I made a joke about not letting Trump divide us and he said: “No, that is a minor detail. We don’t have to talk about politics.  I can talk about politics with other friends.”  I still don’t know how I feel about that but I am willing to wait and see.

I wanted to somehow memorialize the occasion so I proposed we take a selfie. “To show the grandkids” I told him.  He laughed and went along with it. He doesn’t have kids either.  He mentioned that it means more freedom and time for each other, so I am choosing to be grateful for that, instead of dwelling on a childless future.

I wish I could bottle and sell the way he makes me feel when he looks at me, when he touches my hand and kisses my cheek.  There is so much tenderness.  It is as if he is looking at the most beautiful and delicate thing in the universe.  I feel like the most desirable human being on the planet.

“Patience is not sitting and waiting, it is foreseeing. It is looking at the thorn and seeing the rose, looking at the night and seeing the day. Lovers are patient and know that the moon needs time to become full.” ― Rumi

Even when he seems to be trying to be forward and aggressive he is slow and gentle.  At one point he said: “I want to kiss your beautiful face”. I replied: “Please do it” or something forward like that.  He reached over the table and kissed my cheek ever so gently. I took his face in my hands and kissed him softly on the lips.

I love this phase, I love this feeling.  The beginning, the getting to know each other, the discovery.  I am fully aware that as I am writing this I am giving the impression of a love struck teenager. I am! I am going to own that and enjoy it for as long as I can.

“You must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment. Fools stand on their island of opportunities and look toward another land. There is no other land; there is no other life but this.” – Henry David Thoreau

We finished our coffee and pastries and I wanted to show him the area I live at.  He always goes for the hand on my back, there but barely touching it.  I, instead, took his hand, so we walked holding hands. Just now I realized that perhaps this is one of my controlling tendencies, of wanting more and directing the situation. Or is it overthinking now?

As we were passing by The Curtain Shop he said that he had in mind to buy curtains for a patio door.  We walked in and I helped him choose a beautiful blue curtain. He seemed to enjoy the fact that I chose something for his house.

I walked him back to his car as he had to go to work.  We hugged good bye and kissed lightly on the lips.  He texted me when he got to work and called me later that night.

We didn’t schedule a third date yet, but I have no doubt it will happen.  We talked about watching the Super Bowl at his house.  He lives in a quaint little lake town over 1 hour away from me.

I can’t wait for passionate kisses. “Be patient” – I am telling myself.  It has been so long since I have been with someone that the chemistry is this good that I can’t help but want more and now.

“If each day falls inside each night,
There exists a well
where clarity
is imprisoned.
We need to sit on the rim
of the well of darkness
and fish for fallen light,
with patience.

“Si cada día cae/If each day falls”
EI MAR Y LAS CAMPANAS. The Sea and The Bells.”
― Pablo Neruda

Sometimes it does work

19 Sunday Jan 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“Great things happen to those who don’t stop believing, trying, learning, and being grateful.” – Roy T. Bennett

After not dating for awhile I agreed to meet someone tonight.  We have already spoken on the phone a few times.  We both love to talk and have a lot to say so the conversation just flows.  We seem to have the same values and think along the same lines.  I am excited about it.

As we speak and get to know each other we are both getting more and more excited about the possibilities.  But he has been very quick to let me know that he is making no promises and anything can happen.  He doesn’t want to disappoint me, and of course he also doesn’t want to be disappointed.

I understand why he speaks in such a way.  The search for a partner can be frustrating.  It feels like it will never happen.

May be I am the one for him and he is the one for me, but the chances are slim.  Still I want to believe and I want him to believe.  I want everyone to believe that it will happen for them.

I will go on this date aware that the chemistry and congeniality we have on the phone may not be there in person. Every single time I must believe.  Otherwise what is the point? Otherwise why go?

For each time he mentions it may not work I think to myself: it may work.

“My heart might be bruised, but it will recover and become capable of seeing beauty of life once more. It’s happened before, it will happen again, I’m sure. When someone leaves, it’s because someone else is about to arrive–I’ll find love again.” – Paulo Coelho, The Zahir

 

Who am I?

16 Thursday Jan 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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“We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves.” – Dalai Lama XIV

Sometimes I am not me.  Or perhaps I just don’t know who I am.

Sometimes I have negative thoughts and I admonish myself: You are so positive, that is not you!
Sometimes I am angry and I admonish myself: Anger is fruitless, that is not you!
Sometimes I am petty and I admonish myself: Be the bigger person, that is not you!
Sometimes I want to exact revenge and I admonish myself: Turn the other cheek, that is not you!                                                                                Sometimes I catch myself being judgmental and I admonish myself: Who are you to judge? That is not you.                                                                          Sometimes I am sad and admonish myself: Happiness is a choice, choose it always!                                                                                          Sometimes I make a mistake and I admonish myself:  Pay more attention, that is not you!

Sometimes I look in the mirror and I don’t recognize myself.  Where is the beautiful face that was there a second ago? At this moment I see the accumulation of years gone by.

Sometimes I step on the scale and the number that flashes back at me is not me.  Why is an additional pound terrifying?

Who am I? Am I the face in the mirror?  Am I the pounds on the scale?  Am I the mistakes made? Am I sad, bad, vengeful, petty, judgmental?

Sometimes I am someone I don’t recognize.  Sometimes I am someone I don’t like.

“if you want to live an authentic, meaningful life, you need to master the art of disappointing and upsetting others, hurting feelings, and living with the reality that some people just won’t like you. It may not be easy, but it’s essential if you want your life to reflect your deepest desires, values, and needs.” – Cheryl Richardson

My aim is to make peace with myself even though I didn’t even know that there was a war going on.  It is one of those silent deadly disturbances, that at first is barely noticeable, then it just explodes. I don’t want an explosion.  So I am choosing to embrace it all.

I am good but I can be bad. I can be sad, angry, fat, etc.  I am allowed to be all those things.  The moment I remove the power from all that I think I am not allowed to be,  it no longer owns me.  It no longer torments me! I don’t have to try to be perfect.  I can just be.  I can just be me!

I am everything.  At the end of the day I am the mistakes and the lessons.  I am what went right and what went wrong. I am the negative thoughts that highlight a worry.  I am the angry child that needs understanding.  I am the pettiness that needs attention.  I am the vengeful being that is hurt. I am the extra pound, the sagging and the mistakes. I disappoint myself sometimes.

I am not what I used to be.  I am not who I thought I should be.  I allowing myself to be imperfect and to fail.  I am forgiving myself.

Who am I?

I still don’t know but I am allowing myself the the space and the freedom to find out. I am still grateful, full of love to give and worthy of receiving love.  Life is still an unbelievable trip!

Above all, I am blessed! ♥♥♥

“One of the basic rules of the universe is that nothing is perfect. Perfection simply doesn’t exist.  Without imperfection, neither you nor I would exist” – Stephen Hawking

 

Who you are – Jessie J.

I stare at my reflection in the mirror
Why am I doing this to myself?
Losing my mind on a tiny error,
I nearly left the real me on the shelf
No, no, no, no
Don’t lose who you are, in the blur of the stars
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
It’s okay not to be okay
Sometimes it’s hard, to follow your heart
Tears don’t mean you’re losing, everybody’s bruising,
Just be true to who you are
Brushing my hair, do I look perfect?
I forgot what to do to fit the mold, yeah
The more I try the less it’s working, yeah,
‘Cause everything inside me screams, no, no, no, no, yeah
Don’t lose who you are, in the blur of the stars
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing
It’s okay not to be okay
Sometimes it’s hard, to follow your heart
But tears don’t mean you’re…

Moving, at any speed, but moving

12 Sunday Jan 2020

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” I long to accomplish a great and noble task, but it is my chief duty to accomplish small tasks as if they were great and noble.” – Helen Keller

The year had a slow start for me.  I guess I had unreasonable expectations for the beginning of the new year.  It is like I expected to wake up in the first day of the new year and magically everything made sense, work magically became less stressful and I again started exercising daily at 5am.

The truth was not even close.  I didn’t magically become this dynamo of motivation and energy.

Work is now even more stressful.  I continue toying with the idea of making a change, working part-time or even quitting. (but I am realistic also)

I haven’t been sleeping through the night in a couple of months (I blame hot flashes),  so even though I wake up in time to exercise I can’t make myself get up and go.

10 days into the new year I realize that I need to get going or I will spend the whole year just dreaming and planning to get things done but not really doing anything.  It is  not magic or wishful thinking but hard work that makes one succeed.

A new day on the calendar doesn’t mean a miraculous new beginning, but it does present a magical chance to start over.  Nothing can be done about yesterday, but today is all mine to get stuff done.

“Don’t judge each day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds you plant.” – Robert Louis Stevenson

I am snapping out of this stupor that I have been on the last couple of months and get going.  I have taken some baby steps and here they are:

  • Flooring.  I am finally getting the floor of my bedroom done after being stuck in indecision and overthinking.  I went to Home Depot and chose the color and material it in 5 minutes.  The color chosen is below.  Feeling accomplished!

  • Walton Oak Lifeproof vinyl plank

  • Unclogged pipes. After spending months with bathtubs and sinks draining slowly and waiting for the plumber to get back to me, my sister returned from the grocery store with a Drano kit that comes with a plastic snake. I laughed at it, but I was proven wrong. This plastic snake cleaned years of dirt, hair, and other gunk.  It worked like magic. No more waiting for plumbers to get back to me.  Feeling powerful!

  • Drano with snake

  • Mosaics. I love working with them but I keep waiting for the right time and place to continue developing this craft. I was going to rent a studio, then decided against spending the money.  I finally found a place to learn and work with mosaics.  I just sent them an email and I am waiting for the class/workshop times.   I am so excited to get back to that passion.

  • Flowers and Butterflies

  • Dating.  After months of not feeling motivated to be dating or talking to anyone online, this week I finally logged in and chatted to a couple of nice (hopefully) people.  While I still didn’t schedule any dates I feel ready to get back to it.  Feeling fun and hopeful again.
  • Exercising.  I am still not exercising in the morning but I am doing something every evening even if it is just dancing to a few song or some lunges and squats.

I am so far from where I wanted to be or thought I should be at this moment in time. All I have to say is that I am aiming for movement.  Whatever I can do not to feel stuck. One step at a time,  one day at a time. I will get there.

Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid only of standing still. – Confucius

2020: New Year, same plans

01 Wednesday Jan 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Finding Me

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“Hope smiles from the threshold of the year to come,
Whispering ‘it will be happier’…”
― Alfred Lord Tennyson

A New Year is upon us.  It feels like 2019 just barely started and it is already over. What have I done in 2019?  What have I accomplished?   If I were to take inventory of 2019 I don’t think I would like the results.  I am older, achier, exhausted.

The idea that I wasted a whole year is just grim.  With that in mind, should I go through the motions of creating new plans and resolutions for 2020 that I know I will never follow through with them?

I think that what I need to do is to start finishing off old projects and following my passions.  Here are some of them:

  • Ski more– at least I went to Colorado in the beginning of December, need to go again before the end of the season
  • Learn French – I do know a lot words and was able to make some small talk, but have not continued studying, so I lost it all.  Need to pick it up again and not let go
  • Fix my hip issues – Attempted to work on it, but didn’t care for what the doctor suggested.  I need to choose another route instead of just doing nothing
  • Lose weight – the eternal drama that gets worst with age as metabolism slows down.  Looking at pictures from prior years I realize that I was not really fat when I thought I was fat.  Message here:  Enjoy the now! We are never as bad as we think we are. So let’s love and accept ourselves NOW!
  • Start doing mosaics again – One of my passions.  Had to pack up my stuff when my sister moved in.  I thought about renting a studio to work on them.  My realtor found me a cheap place, but even at $850.00 I still cannot see myself investing that much per month on a hobby. Need to try to look for lessons again.
  • Read more – Finish all the books that I have started. I have at least 20 books that have been started. I hear of a subject, an author, I buy the book, I read 1 page, put it aside and move on to the next.  My sister and I decided to do a book club.  Book club of 2, but at least that way we are both forced to finish a book.

What projects do you intend to start or finish in 2020?

“I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes.

Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You’re doing things you’ve never done before, and more importantly, you’re Doing Something.

So that’s my wish for you, and all of us, and my wish for myself. Make New Mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody’s ever made before. Don’t freeze, don’t stop, don’t worry that it isn’t good enough, or it isn’t perfect, whatever it is: art, or love, or work or family or life.

Whatever it is you’re scared of doing, Do it.

Make your mistakes, next year and forever.”
― Neil Gaiman

************

“No one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of another.”
― Charles Dickens

At the end of the year I choose some charities to donate to.  I try to choose causes that are close to my heart, such as Education, Homelessness, Children and the Elderly.

I always donate to theses 3:

Along with those I always donate to some GoFund causes as I come across them.  They normally involve children or injustice.

I also alternate donating to some of the following:

This year I was helping out another local church with their soup kitchen until I suspected that my donations were being misused.  I am in search of another local place to help throughout the year.

I normally check https://www.charitynavigator.org/ for ideas and reviews on charities.

What causes/charities are close to your heart?

“Help others without any reason and give without the expectation of receiving anything in return.”― Roy T. Bennett

I WISH YOU ALL LOVE AND LIGHT! MAY 2020 BE MAGICAL!

THANK YOU FOR YOUR KINDNESS AND LOVE IN 2019!

Vacation? NO! just work postponement

12 Thursday Dec 2019

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I came back from my vacation and I am a bit overwhelmed.  It was not the right time for me to go away; but then again it is never the right time to leave.  I am glad I booked ahead of time so I had to go.

Vacations have a price. And I am not talking about airfare, hotel, etc.  I am talking about the price you pay when you come back.  The unpacking, the getting caught up with work, the getting a routine back.  Getting life back to normal is hard.

But I digress, let me relive my days in Winter Park, Colorado by telling you about it:

Day 1, Tuesday: Travel day. I left LaGuardia airport at 8 am. After the flight and a 1 and a half hour van ride I walked into the Zephyr Mountain Lodge at 3:30 pm. After leaving my bags in the room I went to get my skis for the next day.  I have my own boots and helmet, but I rent the skis.

Zephyr Lodge

Day 2, Wednesday:  I woke up late.  It is great not having to wake up with an alarm clock, specially since I haven’t been sleeping well lately.  At 10 am I finally stepped on the snow.  After dreaming about it for the past 2 years it felt amazing.  I was so grateful for everything, for nature, for being able to go.  I was surprised that I did better than I expected.

Beautiful sunny day

Day 3, Thursday: I woke up with a beautiful, majestic snow falling. It was magnificent and awe-inspiring! But I must confess, it was inspiring me to stay indoors.  I considered not going skiing.  I considered the cold, it felt so cozy inside.  I considered the hassle of the equipment, the heavy boots, the skis.  I considered that pang of fear creeping in.  I considered just staying in the room and watching the snow showers from my window.  After all, no one would know.

“My ambition is handicapped by laziness” -― Charles Bukowski, Factotum

But of course I would know. It took a couple of hours for me to talk myself into going out. I am so glad I did! I had an amazing time. I skied until they were closing at 4 pm. I am so glad I didn’t let the voices inside my head win and keep me from being on the snow.

I don’t have to be perfect or do well.  I just have to get out there and do what I love!

Warm inside, snowing outside

Day 4, Friday: I take lessons every time I go skiing, but this time I had decided that what I really needed was more time on skis.  But after having such a great day the day before I decided to take a lesson.  I am so glad I did.  My instructor’s name was Joy, she was older and absolutely the best.  She gave me good tips and pointed it out exactly what I was doing wrong.

There were two other women in the group.  One of them is a snowboard instructor that needed to learn to ski well to be able to teach both sports.  The other was a mother that wanted to be able to ski with her kids.  We were all in the same ability level so it worked out great.

That was the day I skied the best.  I always do better when I have a teacher/instructor with me. I guess I always want to impress them.  I also think that by following them and what they are doing I forget to pay attention on me and I am able to just let go.

Skiing is letting it all go and letting the body do what it wants to do: go down the mountain.  Without trying to fight it.  I spend a lot time fighting both, my body and mind.

Another beautiful day

Day 5, Saturday: The last skiing day. I started out well. At 12 pm I stopped at Sunspot on the top of the mountain to take a break and drink something.

I saw two women looking for a table and offered to share mine with them.  They were from Atlanta and were attending a friend’s party that weekend. We talked non-stop for over an hour. I had already been sitting at the table  awhile before they joined me, which meant that I sat there for about two hours.

“The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts, while the stupid ones are full of confidence.” – Charles Bukowski

I think that I sat too long and by the time I went back out there I just didn’t do as well as the other days.  I felt out of control.  It seemed my left leg didn’t want to respond to my commands.  I decided to cut it short and stopped at 3 pm instead of staying until 4 pm.

Sunspot: Lunch spot on the mountain

Day 6, Sunday: It was the day to leave.  I woke up at 4:30 am to be ready for the van at 5 pm to take me to the airport. My flight was at 10:52 pm. I landed on JFK at 4:30 pm.  Uneventful flight.  Uneventful day.

Overall I had a great time.  I only missed enjoying the restaurants.  Since I really wanted to focus on skiing this time I didn’t make arrangements to meet any dates.  When I got there I wished I had. I attempted to connect with people online but ended up connecting with someone that was in Aspen, which is way too far from Winter Park to be able to meet on the spur of the moment.

We are still communicating so perhaps there is a trip to Aspen in my future. I have been so impatient with dating lately.  Perhaps it is true that menopause means “Men on Pause”.  I certainly have been on pause way too long and the hot flashes just started.  Is this the end?

Going back to the trip, besides skiing I got a massage, took walks into town, and soaked in the tub while watching movies. I relaxed and forgot about work.

We all need days where we can do whatever we want.  When we sleep at any time, wake up at any time.  No pressure, no deadlines.  Those were those days.

Meeting a local

It renewed my love for skiing. For the challenge of it. For the beauty of it.  It renewed my love for nature.  Nature is so beautiful and inspiring. I am always in awe of this world around us.

Huge snowy mountains reminds me of how small  and insignificant I am.  At the same time it makes me feel powerful and capable of all…if that makes any sense.  It also makes me feel incredibly grateful.  Grateful for life! Grateful for the ability to enjoy its gifts! Grateful for each unique moment!

Now back to reality, but also back to planning the next trip.  Life is beautiful if not only for us to run after the next challenge. To brave new worlds, to get on planes, trains, trails, to brave fears.

What is that one thing that terrifies you and also make you feel so incredibly alive? Skiing is my poison!  What is yours?

View from inside Sunspot

“If you’re going to try, go all the way. Otherwise, don’t even start. This could mean losing girlfriends, wives, relatives and maybe even your mind. It could mean not eating for three or four days. It could mean freezing on a park bench. It could mean jail. It could mean derision. It could mean mockery–isolation. Isolation is the gift. All the others are a test of your endurance, of how much you really want to do it. And, you’ll do it, despite rejection and the worst odds. And it will be better than anything else you can imagine. If you’re going to try, go all the way. There is no other feeling like that. You will be alone with the gods, and the nights will flame with fire. You will ride life straight to perfect laughter. It’s the only good fight there is.”
― Charles Bukowski, Factotum

Refreshing honesty with a side of warm bread

12 Tuesday Nov 2019

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Finding Me

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“Shame was an emotion he had abandoned years earlier. Addicts know no shame. You disgrace yourself so many times you become immune to it.” ― John Grisham, The Testament

It is 6am Sunday. The fire alarm in my building starts sounding. I knew there was no fire. Well, I didn’t know for sure but I assumed. The alarm has been malfunctioning and has been going off at times. So, by now, no one cares, which is scary because if there is really ever a fire no one is coming out alive.

Since the alarm was not stopping and we were already up my sister and I decided to go to the supermarket to look for the brown bread from the Cheesecake Factory. I love bread and one of the reasons I love going to the Cheesecake Factory is because of their brown bread served at the beginning of every meal.

Warm bread with butter it my version of paradise. I had heard from a friend that the Cheesecake Factory’s bread was now being sold in some supermarkets.  It seemed like the perfect time to go bread hunting.

To go exercise never came to mind 😦

We get there and as we are walking in I pass a man arranging a bag of cans to recycle. I catch up with my sister that was ahead of me and I mentioned that I felt bad for the man and wondered if he needed anything. She hadn’t noticed him and immediately felt bad. She said: go ask.

I turned around and went outside and approached him. He was on the younger side but it was hard to tell his age as life on the streets has a way of aging people beyond their years. I assumed that he was homeless and lived in a shelter because he had a cart with his belongings with him.

I approached him and said hi. He turned around looking a bit surprised. I asked how he was doing and he answered: good.

I said: I am going to do some shopping. Is there anything you need? Can I get you anything?

I thought he would say coffee, or something along those lines, but he replied with one word:

Beer

Beer? I asked, I am sure looking very surprised. He replied: Yes, I could use some beer now.

I said: It is only 6:30am, they aren’t selling beer yet.

I actually didn’t know if that was true or not, but I was not about to buy him alcohol.

He looked at his watch and agreed with me.

I asked him if I could get him something else and he said: No, that was all I wanted.

I wished him well and said good bye.

Later I checked and found out that grocery stores in NY state are not allowed to sell alcohol on Sundays from 3 am to 12 noon.

I appreciated his honesty. He didn’t try to get me to give him cash or get me to buy things he didn’t want. I pray he is able to fight his demons and come out victorious.

I found the brown bread and it was divine. Why must bread be public enemy number 1? I guess I do love bad boys after all… and by “boys” I mean food.

That man in the parking lot sorting cans is me. His weakness is alcohol, mine is carbs. Hard to say no. Hard to remember to say no.  Vicious cycle of blindly doing, feeling guilty, then doing it again to silence the guilt.

He has work to do and so do I.

“We are addicted to our thoughts. We cannot change anything if we cannot change our thinking.”― Santosh Kalwar

But what if?

06 Wednesday Nov 2019

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Finding Me

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“It is nothing to die. It is frightful not to live.”― Victor Hugo, Les Miserables

But what if?

That thought came to mind as I was crossing the street on the way to the doctor.

What if turns out that I do have something to worry about? What if it is cancer?

What do I do then?  Is there anything to do?  What if I had only a few months or weeks to live? What would I do?

Who would I choose to spend the last moments with?  Any final declarations of love? Anyone I need to say sorry to?

Is there anything left undone? Left unsaid?

“The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.”― Mark Twain

Would I continue to do what is expected of me or would I do only what I want? 

Would I ignore my brain completely and only listen to my heart?

Would I do nothing?

I think I would curl into a ball and cry until there were no more tears left. Then I would get up and go on.  I would probably start making lists of everything that I need my sister to take care of.  Even in my dying I would want things organized and people taken care of.

“Life is for the living.
Death is for the dead.
Let life be like music.
And death a note unsaid.”
― Langston Hughes

No, I am not dying, and no it is not cancer.  Well, I don’t think it is.  I don’t have the results yet, but I am not concerned.

The only certainty in life is that we are all dying at some point.  We just don’t know when.  But when the word cancer makes an appearance in our vocabulary, death becomes a new thought.  Movies with sad story lines keeps coming across my mind.

A lot people are alive but not living. Just breathing doesn’t equal living. But then again, who am I to judge how a person chooses to live?  I sit in an office and stare at a screen for the majority of my days.  That is hardly something worth writing about.

Why do I have death in mind? In July I went to a new ob/gyn because my regular one retired.  The pap smear came back abnormal and she wanted me to get a cervical biopsy.

“Each night, when I go to sleep, I die. And the next morning, when I wake up, I am reborn.” – Mahatma Gandhi

I had an abnormal pap in 2016 and at that time the doctor really had me worried.  She referred me to a specialist at the Cancer Institute. It was nothing.  I think it has been abnormal since then but new doctor probably wants to be thorough.

This time I was so unconcerned that it took me from July until October to schedule the biopsy.  I finally got it done last week.  I only did it because I feared my new doctor would let me go as a patient if I didn’t follow through with her request.

I am not a cry baby and have a high tolerance for pain but it hurt like hell, because, of course, the opening of my cervix is absurdly small.  The doctor said that in the future if I have to have it done again she will give me a couple of pills to insert so that it will make it easier the next day.   That was no consolation at that moment in time.

So there is nothing to worry, until there is something to worry.  Cancer and death were stupid thoughts that sneaked by while I wasn’t looking.

The message is:  We are all going to die one day.  Let’s make the most of today!  Let’s indeed live as if we are dying.

 “Death is not the opposite of life, but a part of it.” –― Haruki Murakami