Category Archives: EX Files

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Learning to live without and with him!

Forgiveness is a necessity not a luxury!

01 Thursday Feb 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” – Mahatma Gandhi

I was talking to a friend the other day and I was shocked at how bitter she still is over something that happened years ago.  She still foams at the mouth anytime she recounts the events.

There is no reason for her to be reliving the past other than hurt and to feel like a victim again.  I guess it feeds something in her, otherwise she wouldn’t be doing it.

I tried telling her to let it go, that holding anger in is only hurting herself.  It only keeps her in the past, not allowing her to move on.

She was not listening.  She said that I couldn’t possibly understand all she went through.  She forgets I do understand. I probably have gone through more, I just choose not to advertise and live in it like she does it.

She also starts talking about how she hopes that that person is suffering now.  There is nothing more unattractive and distasteful to me than vengeance. I don’t understand it.  I don’t see what someone gains with it.

I have stopped trying to reason with her.  Now I just listen when it is unavoidable, and change the subject as soon as possible.

“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.” – Steve Maraboli

Today my message is for her, but since she is not ready to receive perhaps somebody else is, and it also serves as a reminder for myself to look around and see if I am really being as forgiving as I like to think I am.

The harder something is to forgive the more you need to forgive and the freer you will feel when you do it.  Forgiving is a gift you give yourself.  It is not easy but it feels so good.

Is there someone or something in your past that still has a hold on you?  Is there someone that you still think about it and it gets you angry, sad, and overwhelmed every time?

I am one of those people that easily get mad but I am even quicker to forgive.  I consider that a gift.  Most of the time I don’t even remember I was ever mad to begin with.

I believe in redemption, but I also believe in keeping my spirit light without carrying around the baggage and burden of anger and rancor.

Still there are times that even for me is not that simple.  At those times I need help and I pray.

Many of you know that I started this blog out of the pain of a broken heart.  Several years ago I thought I had met Prince Charming and for 3 years he treated me like a Princess.  Then one day I found out he was cheating.  There was no working it out, he didn’t want to.  He just asked me to move out.  Not only was he a cheater he was also an extremely cold human being.

Having the rug pulled out from under me was one of the hardest things I had to go through.  I was calling my sister multiple times a day until one day she said she was worried about my sanity.  At that moment I realized that I had no right to drive anyone else crazy over that.  Instead of calling her I started putting my pain on paper and then on the web, thus this blog was born.

“Behind every beautiful thing, there’s some kind of pain.” – Bob Dylan

At that point I went through all the stages of grief, more than once, and anger was there also. It was a tough period in my life. So I prayed, I prayed and then I prayed some more.

There is one specific prayer that I used and use often.  I use it when someone angers me, hurts me, anytime I see sadness and resentment building up inside me.

I was blessed to have grown up attending Seicho-No-Ie teachings.  Their teachings are about the power of the mind and the power of positive thinking. I am being overly simplistic here so feel free to read more online.  Even though it has been many years since I have studied anything regarding their teachings it is a prayer that I learned there that I turn to time and time again.

Forgiveness Prayer.  (Where it says “you” I normally add the name of the person or event)

“I have forgiven you. You have forgiven me. I have forgiven you. You have forgiven me.
You and I are one in God.
I love you. You love me. I love you. You love me.
You and I are one in God.
I am grateful to you. You are grateful to me. I am grateful to you. You are grateful to me.
You and I are one in God.
There is now no longer any ill feeling between you and me.
I wish you ever increasing happiness in the days to come.”

+++++

“I have forgiven all of these people. I surround each and every one of these people with God’s love. In the same way that I surround every one of these people with God’s love, He too forgives my mistakes. He surrounds me with infinite love.”

+++++

“God forgives you. Therefore, I too forgive you.”

What also helps me it to look at the person as a teacher and at the event as a lesson, as a vessel for my betterment.  I can see now how each experience has made me stronger.  If were not for my Ex I would have never had started this blog and have never encountered so many amazing friends with amazing life stories.  For that alone I would get hurt all over again.  For that I thank him.

“The wound is the place where the light enters you” – Rumi

Also very important is to not forget to forgive ourselves.  We make mistakes, daily, little and big ones.  We say what we didn’t mean to, we gossip, we forget to be nice, etc.  We hurt others.

We need to forgive ourselves also for the part we play in hurting ourselves.   We choose the wrong person to trust, to love, and we get fooled and hurt.

Forgive yourself, you are human and flawed, but you also have a loving heart, a trusting soul, a gentle spirit.  Never admonish yourself for being open to love.  That is one of our greatest gifts, the ability to love.

I am going to open my heart many times, and many times I will feel like a fool.  Many more times I will get hurt and cry.  Still I am going to continue doing it, because not trusting and not loving is not living. And life is too precious a gift to waste.

Forgive, always! Forgive a person, forgive an event, forgive yourself, and move on!

“Forgiveness is not an occasional act, it is a constant attitude.” – Martin Luther King Jr.

 

Allusive, Elusive or Illusive

30 Tuesday Jan 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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“Words can be like X-rays if you use them properly — they’ll go through anything. You read and you’re pierced.”  – Aldous Huxley, Brave New World

Any time an online dating profile makes me go look at a dictionary that is a person that I would like to date.

One of the ways to my heart is definitely through my mind. Intelligence is so attractive.  A way with words is so alluring.  I wouldn’t go as far as to say that I am a sapiosexual.  That is a fairly new term to explain people that are sexually attracted to intelligent people.

I am attracted to the whole package:  smart, funny, inquisitive, among other things.

But if I had to pick just one thing to which to assess a partner, I would choose: The KISS.

That may strike people as funny considering how last short lived romantic interest scored very poorly in that department and I was still interested in him.  Just blame my hopeful self.  I thought I could teach him how to use his tongue.

Thinking back, fresh out of that almost relationship, I realized that I cannot betray the things that are important to me.  Kissing is a big deal to me.  If P. had I tongue I never found out. Unacceptable!!

Do I rather have someone with a way with words or a way with his tongue?

Now I am getting off the point of this post.  Let’s go back to vocabulary before things here gets x-rated.  The post today is not about kissing but about the beauty of words and their meanings.

“I turned silences and nights into words. What was unutterable, I wrote down. I made the whirling world stand still.” – Arthur Rimbaud

This one profile I saw today had the word illusive in it.  The way he used made me think of elusive, which is a word I use a lot.  Then allusive came to mind and I just had to run to the dictionary and get a clear explanation of their meanings.

Here is how the Merriam Webster Dictionary defines these 3 words:

Allusive:

1: an implied or indirect reference especially in literature

  • a poem that makes allusions to classical literature ; also : the use of such references

2: the act of making an indirect reference to something: the act of alluding to something

Elusive:

: tending to  elude: such as

a : tending to evade grasp or pursuit ; elusive prey

b : hard to comprehend or define

c : hard to isolate or identify

Illusive:

: illusory  –

 based on or producing illusion: deceptive

Even though the writer of this profile was not a match for me I wrote him a quick note complimenting him on his well-written profile.  It was so entertaining, deep, smart and funny.  I wish I had written.

I challenged myself to write a sentence using those 3 words.  Here is the result:

My last love interest often alluded to his considerable wealth and our bright future; then he became as elusive as my goal of losing 10 pounds; leading me to conclude that his interest was illusory.

Not sure I have been successful with that sentence, but one thing is certain I aim to improve.  I will add English vocabulary to my French and Latin studies.

“Everybody has talent, but ability takes hard work.” – Michael Jordan

No crying at this funeral

26 Friday Jan 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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I was surprised and glad he didn’t reply yesterday.  Today he reached out as if all is the same.   Here is his text (the bottom part following the exchange from yesterday):

The first word that comes to mind is: CLUELESS. Is he on some kind of medication? Were we in the same relationship together?

I am so surprisingly unemotional about it that my friend A said that I cannot deny this moment.  He said I need to feel to heal.

I don’t want to waste my energy on the past but I think my friend has a point.  Every loss, no matter how small and brief needs to be mourned.  I cannot just brush it up like it never happened.

Even though my heart is fine and I am not feeling any sort of sadness, this loss happened and it marked me.  I need to mourn it, to dissect it and then move on.

He was a potential, a possibility, a what if.  He was a maybe that seemed so certain for a moment in time.  When he arrived he was such a sweet surprise.  My heart sang, my spirit soared. I spoke about him to people such a sure thing I thought he was.

The best part was that he seemed to feel the same way and he was not afraid to let me know. In his presence I felt like the most beautiful woman in the world.  I don’t remember a guy ever having that strong an effect on me.

And then something happened.  One day I may find out what really happened, why he he changed, but that is really not even important.  What is important is that the dream died almost as fast as it arrived.

I am taking 5 minutes now to be sad, to wallow in pity, to ponder about it, to lick my wounds and then close that chapter and move on. I am digging deep and bringing it all to the surface.

“When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.” – Kahlil Gibran

I wanted it to work.  I was in love with the idea of us.  I could see our potential.  Now I feel taken for granted, unappreciated. How can he turn his back so easily on we?  How can he so easily throw a miracle away?

What was my role in it and how I can improve on going forward?

I am not saying I did anything wrong.  I didn’t!  I was myself and I will not apologize for that.  He probably didn’t do anything wrong either.  We were victims of the circumstances.  We had different expectations, wants and communications styles.

I do intend to take full advantage of all the experiences I go through in life, taking the time to learn and improve. I see areas that I could fine tune.

Please feel free to give me your 2 cents, or a whole dollar for that matter. My heart and mind are open to receive your feedback.

“Tell me and I forget, teach me and I may remember, involve me and I learn.” -Benjamin Franklin 

Areas to improve:

  • I was too honest.  While honesty is a virtue and I pride myself on it, it doesn’t mean that I have to say it all that comes to mind.
  • I was too available.  Any time he contacted me I replied. I made myself free any time he wanted to meet.  My life was him.
  • I gave him too many options and left the ball on his court.  I put myself at his mercy.
  • I put all my eggs in one basket.  I immediately stopped dating and talking to anyone else.
  • I presented no mystery. I was an open book from the beginning.  It is okay to reveal yourself slowly and not all at the beginning.
  • Perhaps I expected too much too soon

“Let the improvement of yourself keep you so busy that you have no time to criticize others.” -Roy T. Bennet

What did I do right? (and this part is debatable)

  • I was myself.  There is no greater joy then being myself and making no excuse for it.
  • I played not games, or played hard to get.
  • I spoke my mind.  I had opinions and was not afraid to share.
  • I didn’t expect him to read my mind I told him how I felt and what I wanted.
  • I was open minded and willing to be the one to choose the restaurant, even though he said he would do it and then didn’t.  I have canceled dates for less than that so I really give myself credit for this.

I still think he is a great person. It may seem crazy but I still would welcome a friendship. I know he is going through something.  Perhaps it is something that I don’t want to get involved in and I am being spared.

When we spent time together he was the most kind, considerate man I ever met. It was all about me and about making sure I was okay.

I believe in redemption. I believe in the goodness of people. I don’t believe that most people set out to hurt others. Most are hurt themselves and just don’t know how to deal with that pain, so they in turn hurt whoever is next to them.

My doctor friend A,  is someone that I dated and that I thought it was going to go somewhere. That was over 2 years ago.  Then he started to slowly disappear. I am not even sure how it happened.  It hurt me, I was confused.  Then he reached out and we start talking and meeting for brunch.  There has never been any romance after we started to see each other again and it has been perfect that way.  Our friendship has blossomed and I know he is a friend that I can count on.  I am glad that I decided to look past his prior behavior that to this day there is no explanation and I actually don’t need one.  We are much better friends than we would have been as a couple.

“Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.” – Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

I don’t know if Peter would welcome a friendship, but we shall see.

If I am going to completely honest looking at this almost relationship with a clinical eye I have to point out the following hurdles that I would have to get over to make the romantic relationship work:

1) Lack of deep conversation. I seemed to be doing all the talking and a lot of the conversation seemed to be superficial.  I thought that perhaps things would get better with time.  I need mental stimulation,
2) Lack of Passion. We held hands, we kissed.  I think there was more passion in the hand holding then in the kissing. He seemed to enjoy the kisses, but I hate to say it was just not that pleasurable to me.  Not the type of kiss I am used to. I had hoped I could teach him the way I like it, but I wondered if he would be open to learning. I need passion.
3)There was a couple of answers to questions about his past that it didn’t seem to add up to what I had found online.  While it was not anything serious, it raised some doubts in my mind as to the real truth.  I need honesty.

RIP potential relationship!

Enough about Peter!

NEXT!!

“It was too perfect to last,’ so I am tempted to say of our marriage. But it can be meant in two ways. It may be grimly pessimistic – as if God no sooner saw two of His creatures happy than He stopped it (‘None of that here!’). As if He were like the Hostess at the sherry-party who separates two guests the moment they show signs of having got into a real conversation. But it could also mean ‘This had reached its proper perfection. This had become what it had in it to be. Therefore of course it would not be prolonged.’ As if God said, ‘Good; you have mastered that exercise. I am very pleased with it. And now you are ready to go on to the next.”  – C.S. Lewis

 

 

 

Don’t try to make sense, just dance!

19 Friday Jan 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me, Food, Poetry

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“Stop acting so small. You are the universe in ecstatic motion.” -Rumi

Last night I saw anxiety creeping in. Yes I actually saw it. I looked in the mirror and the face looking back at me was not the usual smiling face with bright shiny eyes. This face had dead sad eyes and the lips were just there, unmovable walls. Looking in the mirror only made the dark feelings intensify.

Nothing made sense.  Nothing felt right. I was alone. I was weak.

I knew that if I gave into those feelings I would soon be crying and feeling totally powerless and beaten. Crying is definitely okay in my book but when I have a reason for it. Crying out of pity for myself is not productive, it is not what I do, it is not who I am.

I felt hungry as if I hadn’t eaten in days. I wanted to head to the fridge and stuff my face in something sweet. I wanted to drown the sad feelings in a tub of ice cream. I wanted chocolate cookies to prevent my tears from falling. I wanted my best friend Sugar to assure me that I was going to be okay.

The problem with my friend Sugar is that it is such a sneaky weasel. It takes me to amazing high levels of euphoria and then, not too long after it has me crashing down. That is a roller coaster that tonight I refuse to get on.

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.”  – Rumi

I am smarter than that. I know this is not a physical hunger, after all I just had a great dinner of brown rice, vegetables and chicken. I even had a tiny piece of cheesecake for dessert. This is my being crying out for attention. This was my body trying to make my insides feel better by giving in to outsides urges.

Sugar is my drug of choice. For you it may be something else, alcohol, shopping, etc, Whatever it is, when used in this way it is not a friend, it is an enemy.

I knew exactly what prompted the feelings I was having. It all started 30 minutes before.

“You were born with wings, why prefer to crawl through life?”  – Rumi

Around 8:30pm I called P. He calls every night and last night I decided I should call for a change and to let him know that I do think of him. The call went straight to voice mail. Immediately I felt like I was punched on the stomach. How dare he not answer the phone and worse, why it is off.  It didn’t feel right. Immediately my delusional self starting conjuring up all kinds of thoughts.

That was on top of having gone this entire week without scheduling a date. We talked about meeting Saturday night and/or Sunday, and even me possibly going to his house, but there is nothing definite.  And of also realizing that he is still on the dating app.

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” – Rumi

The woman in me that got cheated on over 5 years ago came back full force and started connecting the invisible dots and creating stories. I vow not to be made a fool ever again.  I thought he was probably on a date and turned the phone off not to be disturbed. Not only was he on a date but he would probably start liking her better than he likes me. Soon this blossoming relationship would shrivel up and die.

The reality is that we have known each other for less than a month and have gone on 4 dates only. Even though we both feel this is different, we really have no clue. I realize that relationships need to marinated, need be tended to, need to have air to breath.

There is nothing really happening. We are both free to date other people. I like to say that competition is welcomed.  It only makes me look better.

I don’t believe that every guy will cheat on me. I also believe that there is a guy for me out there and I am not sure it is him. I am also not sure it is not him yet.

“The minute I heard my first love story,
I started looking for you, not knowing
how blind that was.
Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere.
They’re in each other all along.”  – Rumi

Where is this delusional, insecure, paranoid, jealous woman coming from?

Then it hits me:

PMS

I am glad I keep track of it.  I look at the app in my phone and there it is.  I am in the middle of PM.  I know these feeling are momentary and not based in reality. I know they will pass.  All I have to do is be okay with feeling uncomfortable and sad for a moment.

The feeling of doom. The feeling that the world is coming to an end. The paralysis. That is what PMS feels like to me. I even warn people about it, as I know I can be a little out of my mind at that time.

So it is just you, PMS, old frenemy! You don’t own me! You can mess up my hormones every now and then, but I will show you who the boss is!

“Don’t be satisfied with stories, how things have gone with others. Unfold your own myth.”  – Rumi

So I did the only thing I could think to do:

I DANCED!

I put some loud music on and I danced. I danced like no one was watching and no one really was. If they were they would probably want to join in as I was having so much fun. I danced as if I wanted the dance moves to shake the fears and anxiety away from my body.

I danced with my soul.  It was a freedom, gratitude, euphoria, wanting to live and love dance!!

IT WORKED!

I felt instantly better. I felt alive! I felt energized! I felt grounded and centered! Life returned to my eyes, the smile to my lips. As in a miracle, the dark cloud lifted.

To continue on my good mood trajectory, I started thinking of all the blessings I have in my life. The list is so huge and amazing,  it is impossible to be sad or down when confronted with that knowledge.

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” – Rumi

At 9:44pm he texted me to say sorry. He said he had fallen asleep without saying good night. He said he had laid down for a minute and didn’t wake up until now.
I said that I thought he was out and about and had the phone off not to be bothered. He said the battery had died on his phone.

Do I believe him? I don’t know! At this point I don’t care. There is nothing going on. We are getting to know each other. So I am keeping an open mind and will trust until I have a reason not to. I will also not create problems and be overly dramatic or clingy.

The odd thing is that getting his text didn’t make me feel happy or relieved.  It was indifferent.  Proving to me that at the end of the day, we are in charge of our emotions and well-being.  No one can make you feel better or worse, loved or unloved.  Only you have that power.  The sooner we realize that the happier we become.

“Everything in the universe is within you. Ask all from yourself.” – Rumi

This is the first time I use dance as a coping mechanism, as a pacifier and medication.  I normally go to gratitude and prayer.

May I offer everyone that suggestion?  Next time you are down, how about you get up and dance.  While dancing you can make mental lists of all blessings and say a prayer thanking for all of those blessings.

***

The dancing reminded me of one of my favorite poets and scholar: Rumi. His poems and teachings really resonate with me. They touch my inner being. They make life make sense to me. They make me want to love with abandon.

“Dance, when you’re broken open. Dance, if you’ve torn the bandage off. Dance in the middle of the fighting. Dance in your blood. Dance when you’re perfectly free.”

With Rumi in my mind I peppered this post with his quotes and I offer everyone this poem. I hope that everyone at some point in their lives get to love with abandon.

“I want to see you.

Know your voice.

Recognize you when you
first come ’round the corner.

Sense your scent when I come
into a room you’ve just left.

Know the lift of your heel,
the glide of your foot.

Become familiar with the way
you purse your lips
then let them part,
just the slightest bit,
when I lean in to your space
and kiss you.

I want to know the joy
of how you whisper
“more”
Rumi

 

Speaking my mind, speaking my heart

14 Sunday Jan 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files

≈ 21 Comments

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“The problem that we have with a victim mentality is that we forget to see the blessings of the day. Because of this, our spirit is poisoned instead of nourished.” -Steve Maraboli

I have been having issues at work that have been making me feel unappreciated. I know that is the victim in me speaking.  I know I am being sensitive and emotional about it.  But in this battle between mind and heart my heart is won.

I am not going to go into the reasons for feeling the way I feel,  it is long, boring and ever changing and still never changing.  I am NOT talking about any form of harassment.  If anything, I am the flirty one at work.  I am talking about not feeling included and part of the team/management.

I work with self-absorbed, arrogant, egotistical, entitled men.  This problem is not isolated to my office.  It is the entire financial/wall street industry.  I am not sure they realize how insensitive they can be to the support personnel, to the people that are there to help them succeed.  I am not sure if they are just clueless or if they just don’t care about others. One thing I know is that they are shortsighted.

To me the sign of a great person is in how he/she treat others.  If they only treat well and acknowledge the people that are able to benefit them or improve their status while ignoring the ones that are not able to do much for them and/or are beneath them in some invisible social caste, that to me is a small poor excuse for a person.

“I never meet a ragged boy in the street without feeling that i may owe him a salute, for I know not what possibilities may be buttoned up under his coat.” – James A. Garfield

I should be used to it by now after having been in this industry for over 25 years.  I am not.  I don’t think I ever will.  I think that I am extra sensitive because I am an immigrant.  I feel invisible often.  I have major issues with not feeling included, with feeling overlooked.

I wish I would just keep thoughts and feelings to myself in the workplace, but I can’t.  I have to say what is in my mind, and more importantly, what is in my heart.  So, once again I did.   I had a couple of different issues with a couple of different people, one of them my boss.  I told them how I felt.

There were looks of confusion, explanations, excuses and apologies. Some men really don’t know what to do when a woman starts talking feelings and emotions, specially in the work place.  They both had the look of a deer in the headlights.  To their credit, they both acted quickly to apologize and correct what I perceived was a wrong. They tried to justify the situation, to tell me that perhaps I didn’t understand the whole story.  As I explained to them, separately, what is important here is how the they should realize that their actions or lack thereof have consequences and may make others feel bad.  I wanted them to be more aware.

I accepted the apologies and appreciated my boss’s attempt of correcting a wrong and show me how important I am to the firm.  Sometimes everything seems a little too late.  Nothing will change, nothing ever does.  I wish I didn’t have to say anything.  I wish they would realize things without being told.

“I speak to everyone in the same way, whether he is the garbage man or the president of the university.” – Albert Einstein

Still I don’t like this complaining side of myself. I hate portraying myself as a victim.  There is nothing I hate more than people portraying themselves as victim instead of being pro-active and correcting the problem.  I am a firm believer that instead of complaining I should be correcting, changing, moving on.

Perhaps the time has come to make a change. Perhaps I should work on my resume and see what else is out there.  Perhaps 17 years in the same office is enough.   I am an impulsive Aries and at times I feel like just saying good bye to my job.  At times I feel I am just a second away from that.

Then, after crying and feeling helpless.  After I let my heart and emotions go insane.  After I said all I had to say and dealt with the aftershocks.  After, in my mind, I am already bagging my bags, I then stopped and took a breath.  I took a step back and shook myself aware.

A new job in the same industry would only change the location.  The attitudes would be the same, plus I would probably not be able to speak my mind as freely as I do now.

“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.” – Winston Churchill

At the end of the day I realize I do have a great job.  I know I would be hard to be replaced.  In their own clueless way my co-workers and partners appreciate me.  I get paid well and have a say on a lot things.  So, it is not perfect, but what is?

I am blessed and have no right to complain about anything. Many people would love to have what I have.

Still I think that having an updated resume and being open to hear other opportunities is not a bad thing.  What I cannot do is make decisions out of hurt and anger. Decisions should not be made in haste but with a clear and calm mind.

Even though I often wish I would not speak my mind and my heart, at the end of the day, to me it is not about hearing apologies and having actions done to correct the matter, but it is the fact that I talked about what was eating me up inside.  I am free because of that.  I am free because I no longer harbor the feelings of mistreatment I had.  And feeling free is amazing.

“The two hardest tests on the spiritual road are the patience to wait for the right moment and the courage not to be disappointed with what we encounter.” – Paulo Coelho

On the next post I am talking about the guy I had 2 dates with and that by now I have already had dates 3 and 4. This is a whole new territory for me.

All I want for Christmas is a lustful love affair!!

21 Thursday Dec 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 22 Comments

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“I will be waiting here….
For your silence to break,
For your soul to shake,
For your love to wake!”
― Rumi 

I went on a second date with the 34 year old accountant.  It was not really a second date, it was more like a friendly meeting.  I had already mentioned to him that this would be just friendship.  We did kiss on the first date and there were some sparks but I thought the age difference would be too much for this to develop into something meaningful.

I met him in the lobby of the building he works at.  From there we walked to 42nd street to take the subway to 74th street to go to the bakery.  It was rush hour and the trains were packed.  I am so glad that I don’t have to take the subway every day.  I take the Metro North train which, even though crowded,  is much more civilized than the subway at rush hour.

“Reason is powerless in the expression of Love.” – Rumi

We got out of the subway and walked a few blocks to Levain bakery.  I got cookies for me and my co-worker.  It was a tiny space and there was a line.  The smell in there was heavenly.  The workers were all happy and smiley.  I didn’t eat any right then and there because we were going to have dinner first.  I was craving a burger for the longest time and wanted a Shake Shack Smoke Shack first.  Luckily there was one a few blocks away.

The burger was delicious, specially since I hadn’t had one in awhile.  M is a really nice guy.  The conversation just flowed.  He tried convincing me to date him but he was not pushy and accepted friendship.

“When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy.” – Rumi

After the burger he asked if I wanted to see his apartment.  Normally that would probably be an invitation to make out but in this case I knew I would be safe from making out and from being attacked. I knew enough of his personal information and had spoken to him enough to know that it would be fine.   He just moved in and wanted to show off his apartment.

I don’t recommend anyone going to anyone’s house on a second date or 3rd or 4th if they don’t know the person well.  Everyone please be safe out there!

“Don’t be satisfied with stories, how things have gone with others. Unfold your own myth.” – Rumi

He lives on the Upper East side.  It is a small apartment but it is in an awesome location, great building, has great closet space, including a walk-in,  and a balcony with a good view.  I told him that he needs to clean and organize better.  That was not nice of me, but I figure it is a good tip if want to bring girls home.  He has just moved in so I am sure eventually it will be better.

After he showed me the apartment, we sat on the couch and talked for little while. Then he walked me outside where I got into a cab.  There was a hug and kiss on the cheek goodbye.  I have so much respect for him not trying to kiss me while in his apartment. I think I did expect him to try and me to say no, so I was so happy that he did listen to me and didn’t try changing my mind.  Since then we have been texting and will probably hang out together when he returns from vacation in Florida.

“You are not a drop in the ocean. You are the entire ocean in a drop.” – Rumi

Somewhere between getting cookies and getting into a cab to go home I realized I am being a hypocrite.  I told him (and you guys) that the reason I was not going to date him it was the age difference.  The truth is that if there was enough chemistry I probably would embark on a relationship with him even with the age difference.  Even knowing that I would probably get hurt in the end.  There goes the virtuous person I thought I was.

Perhaps is the hormones speaking or perhaps is having AL in my mind.   A girl has needs and it has been way too long… and getting longer.

Since  AL popped up in my mind accidentally I can’t help thinking about the amazing times we had together, in and out of bed. I want those feelings and excitement back.

“Words are a pretext. It is the inner bond that draws one person to another, not words.” – Rumi

The other day I contemplated reaching out to him.

I didn’t! I am not even sure what I wanted to accomplish.  That would have been a colossal mistake.  He is married, and I am sure our chemistry didn’t miraculously disappear. I do miss the friendship that we had after breaking up.  Even though it was laced with flirting. If we tried reconnecting it would probably revert back to flirting in no time.  Flirting can always lead to something more.

On this one point I am not confused or hypocritical about: a married man is someone I am not interested in getting involved romantically with.

I don’t like how things ended between AL and I but I realize that we would probably never be able to have just a friendship.  There was too much chemistry.  I also cannot say that he really hurt me as I really never gave him my heart to hurt.   I guess I was mostly disappointed.

“The minute I heard my first love story,
I started looking for you, not knowing
how blind that was.
Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere.
They’re in each other all along.”- Rumi

Someone on a dating site the other day asked me what I am looking for.  I normally say that I am looking for companionship.  I want to find someone to have a committed relationship with.  Now I don’t know what I want anymore.

I am getting to the point that I don’t believe in everlasting anything.  I WANT PASSION!  Young or old, I want passion.  I want positive energy, a zest for life, I want adventure and not cold tired complacency.  This has nothing to do with age, but a willingness to live!

Perhaps is my way of really not committing to anyone.  I keep always having hurdles for people to jump over.  When I meet someone either just online or in person I look for the problems first.  I always think how this person will not fit in my life and it is not good for me.  In a way I am not giving anyone a real chance. Of course, the rare time I am willing to give them a chance I don’t hear back from them.  Chances are that if I heard back from them I would find a reason to dismiss them.

“Forget safety.
Live where you fear to live.
Destroy your reputation.
Be notorious.” – Rumi

Today is a day that I feel like taking risks.  I would risk pain to just feel alive.  I guess today is a lustful day!  It is a Rumi kind of day.  A day that makes you want to dance with the possibilities.  A day that welcomes pain as part of the path to pleasure.

Something needs to be said about passion, about giving yourself to someone  no matter the circumstances.  I look for the fairy-tale, for my soul mate but I will take the torrid love affair in the mean time.  They make you feel like dancing.  They make you feel alive.  They twist your bed sheets and your brain.  They make you think unmentionables.  They make you leap and fly.

If you are confused by this post, sorry so am I!

“Set your life on fire. Seek those who fan your flames” – Rumi

The past is where it belongs: in the past!

13 Wednesday Dec 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me, Food

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Yesterday as I was getting a book from my bookshelf the above calendar page fell on the floor.

At that moment the past came flooding back.  AL, the young Irish guy, that has been mentioned on several of my posts, gave me that calendar book at the end of 2013.

I realized that it will be 1 year in January since we exchanged out last text.  I am extremely surprised that he has complied with my request of not contacting me.  I am happy he did.  The pull he had on me was very strong, I am glad I don’t have to be tempted to reply.

As I think of him I send (mentally) him good wishes.  I hope he is happy.  Truly I do! He deserves it, even though I do I wish he had behaved differently towards the end.

He came into my life at a time I needed most.  I was still grieving over the break up of the relationship that tore my heart to shreds.  He was that breath of fresh air that made me feel alive again.  He was a dear friend.  He was an enthusiastic lover.  Of course I knew it wouldn’t last, but I lied to myself, as we women often do. It was amazing while it lasted.

I remembered he said that meeting me was fairy-tale.  I wouldn’t go that far, but  a man saying stuff like that is just irresistible.  Well, because I like him I thought it was charming, if I didn’t like him I would have probably thought it was cheesy.  It is all in the context of how the heart feels.

Is this calendar a sign from the Universe?  If so, what is it trying to tell me?

“Believe in a love that is being stored up for you like an inheritance, and have faith that in this love there is a strength and a blessing so large that you can travel as far as you wish without having to step outside it.”  – Rainer Maria Rilke

I am going on a second date tonight with the very young accountant, who happens to be the same age AL is, 34.  I don’t need to be a rocket scientist to know that this has the potential to hurt me.  It can also be a lot fun.

Is the Universe telling me to go or not to go?

I am going Universe! I am not ignoring you.  I just don’t know what you are trying to say.  Tonight it will be a  fun date of dinner and cookies.  Tonight I will put the age difference on the back burner.

Thinking of AL reminded me that I am being successful at my resolve of not checking his, and other’s, social media.  It has been over 1 month since I have made the decision to stop checking social media.   https://atomic-temporary-33385295.wpcomstaging.com/2017/10/20/determined-and-no-longer-feeling-lost/

It was not an obsession but it was becoming one.  It was a routine that was not productive.  It was an addiction that was interfering with my life.

I am so proud that I am sticking to it.  I have been more productive ever since.  I have been posting here more.  The best part is that now I have more time to check blogs of old friends and I am discovering tons of new ones.

I still look at social media if it is related to some news I have read, but it stops there. I no longer look at the people that are part of my past, they are not part of my future.  I don’t look at certain celebrities as whatever they are eating or what vacations they are taking make no difference in my life.  I no longer have the list of 20 sites that I would religiously look at every day, often multiple times a day.  This harmless curiosity can actually be harmful if it is affecting one’s life.  It was affecting mine.

“In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.”  – Albert Camus

I am curious about AL’s life.  I miss his face and his texts.  I miss his humor.  I miss his flirting.  I don’t miss ending up feeling unimportant and undervalued.  I don’t miss feeling I am doing something I shouldn’t be doing.  All this missing is becoming less and less. Soon it will be just a bleep, just a page in the book of my life, too insignificant to be a chapter.

Thank you AL for not contacting me.   Your silence is all the friendship I need from you at this point. I treasure what we had (or what I thought we had).

Today someone asked me if I only like younger men.  I answered:  Not necessarily, they like me!

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” – Lao Tzu

 

 

Determined and no longer feeling lost

20 Friday Oct 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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“I am, indeed, a king, because I know how to rule myself.” – Pietro Aretino

Last week I was feeling lost and powerless. It felt as if I couldn’t find my footing. I was feeling sorry for myself.  I don’t have a real reason or motive but I believe I can pinpoint 2 contributing factors:

1) Someone that I once dated was getting married.  To me it was more than casual dating. It was falling head over heels and thinking there was a future. He was younger, but he seemed mature enough for the age difference not to matter. After 6 months he said he was not interested in serious dating so we became just friends.  I was okay with that as I had been preparing myself from day 1 that this would be just a fling.

By then I had gotten emotionally attached. I wanted more.  I was lying to myself thinking that I was okay with being just friends. But friends we became and we kept mostly a texting relationship and a drink once in a blue moon. I cherished the friendship.

Then one day sensing his distance about meeting for a drink I asked if he had a girlfriend and he came clean.  It turned out he was not interested in seriously dating ME. 🙂

Still we continued the flirting over text.  I chose to ignore the fact that he had a girlfriend.  I am not proud of that.

Around Christmas last year he said he had gotten her an engagement ring. For a second I felt this pang in my stomach, but immediately felt happy for him. Honestly. But when he continued to flirt when texting I became uncomfortable. The fact that he was not available was now more than clear. I couldn’t deny it anymore. I guess I had been going along with the flirting because deep down inside I always hoped that he would come back and say: it is you I really want.

I told him that we needed to take a break from all the texting. He jokingly said: Is 2 hours enough of a break? I didn’t reply.  He never texted again. I was actually relieved that he didn’t.   It was hard not to reach out and say hi, but I knew if I did we would just start the flirting again.

Last week I found out it was his wedding week. Every now and then I would snoop on his friend’s Facebook and Instagram and would get tidbits about his life.  I am not proud of that.  Last week I spent a lot time torturing myself with every little detail and pictures of his beautiful wedding.

“You have power over your mind – not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.” – Marcus Aurelius

All of a sudden I realized the absurdity of it. Why was I making myself miserable with this constant snooping? I think it is human nature to be curious, but I am here to tell you not to do it.

I STOPPED! It hasn’t been easy, but it has been extremely empowering not to look for anything related to him. I confess, at times I want to look and I ask myself what is the harm? I should really be asking what is the benefit? What am I gaining by snooping around the pictures and life of somebody that is part of my past and not of my future? Nothing! Nothing to gain, nothing to add to my life.

Instead of living my life,  I am wasting it looking at his, as if he is the one that got away. The reality is I dodged a bullet. A man that even after getting engaged is still texting and flirting with other women is no prize.  I am sure that had I not asked him to stop he would still be texting me even on the day of his wedding. I have no doubt about that.

I feel a bit sad as I thought we had a genuine friendship. I guess that is one of the reasons that it was so hard to let go of him.  I do feel so foolish now for insisting on a friendship that was not going anywhere and I was not getting anything out of it. Well I guess I was feeding off the little attention I was getting.

Was I feeling down about not being the one getting married? Did I want to be his bride? Or anybody’s bride for that matter? Not really. I never really dreamed about marriage, wedding, etc. But I think that his wedding just highlighted the fact that I am alone at the moment. It made me feel alone.

When I decided to quit looking at anything about him I decided also to stop looking at everything else I was wasting time on.  I had been looking at the pages of friends, strangers, celebrities, etc. What was I gaining with that? Nothing! The time I was spending looking at other people’s lives it was time I could be doing positive things in my own life.

To make a conscious choice to stay away from all Instagram and Facebook makes me feel powerful. It is extremely hard since I had been following certain people for awhile and I feel like I know them and want to know what they are up to.

I don’t have a problem with Facebook and Instagram in general. Those sites are great.  There are so many great ones, inspirational, funny, etc, but I was overdoing it. I was becoming an addict. Because of that I decide to stop it all.  I am like an alcoholic that knows he cannot stop at one drink, so for now I cannot trust myself to only look at certain pages. I may have mentioned this in the past, but now I feel I have turned a corner and I am actually doing it.

Social media can make me feel inadequate some times.  The problem is when I look at their lives and compare them to mine.  It seems everyone is going places, exotic vacations, great bodies, amazing boyfriends, and other great things.  I struggle not to compare myself to others.  Comparison is the fastest and surest way to unhappiness.  I know better. I know much better.

Each time I have the urge to check someone out and I don’t, I feel stronger and stronger.  There is amazing power in abstaining from viewing social media. I am growing stronger by the minute.  Actually, abstaining from anything that threatens to become an addiction, or has become an addiction is extremely empowering.  Try it!!

Since this post has gotten so long, I will be writing about the second factor that I mentioned in the beginning on the next post, so come back and check it out.

“The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance. The wise grows it under his feet.” – James Oppenheim

Returning and wanting to flee and be free

27 Wednesday Sep 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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“The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.” – Marcel Proust

I don’t get tired of saying that I love going away but I love returning home even more.  I like my bed and my routine.  But going away is necessary.  To renew, to refresh or perhaps just to appreciate more what we leave behind.

I spent one week in Brazil visiting family.  I had visions of while there having plenty of time to exercise, to work on my blog, etc.

I didn’t have a free second.  I was always with my Mom or my Dad or both.  I don’t know how long I will have them around so I want to make sure I don’t waste my time on the computer instead of spending time with them.

I am happy to say that Mom’s depression medication is working so she felt good enough to travel here and stay a couple of weeks, as she normally does a couple of times a year.

I am sorry for the short disappearance, specially after mentioning corresponding with a couple of Craigslist’s strangers.  I know that crazy leaps can be made.

***

“It’s the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting.” – Paulo Coelho

I am still emailing with S.  Joe, the other one, hasn’t emailed in over one week.  I am okay with that.  No big loss for either one of us.  This is just fun and entertainment.

S. and I have been getting closer and closer.  We have been emailing back and forth, sometimes several times a day since the end of July.  I harbor no illusions of anything.  It would be silly of me to think that there is anything here.  At the same time it has been fun.  He seems intelligent and caring, two things I really appreciate in people.

For all I know I could be talking to a catfish.  He could be a 60 yr old grandmother, or a 15 yr old high school kid.  I just don’t know. That is why I proceed with caution; and the occasional moment of caution thrown to the wind, in the form of conversations a little more spicy.

It has been amazing fun corresponding with him.  We write each other poems.  Perhaps I will reprint some here.  I am not talking about corny I love you poems.  I am talking about the same regular email we would write each other, about the day’s events, about our wants, about anything, but in poem form.  He started it and then I try to follow suit looking for words that rhyme.

It is amazing how our emails turn out when we are looking to make rhymes. It is really fun and it twists my brain sometimes.  It helps wake up my brain and use different words.

I still only know that his name starts with S., and it means some kind of warrior prince.  I know he is 41, and a technologist.  Probably a consultant as he doesn’t seem to have a set work schedule.

He knows a little more about me.  He knows my name starts with A, that I am a twin and that I am from Brazil.

Will I ever meet him? I don’t know, but it seems to be leaning towards that.  For the first time in my life I am in no hurry.  There is not a sense of urgency for me to meet him. It will probably happen for not any time soon.

For now I am enjoying this, whatever this is.

***

“Prayer is not asking. It is a longing of the soul. It is daily admission of one’s weakness. It is better in prayer to have a heart without words than words without a heart.” – Mahatma Gandhi

While in Brazil I went to a Reiki session.  Actually I went to 2 different ones with 2 different women.  Reiki is a healing technique that believe that someone can use their energy and touch of their hands to help in the healing of physical and other ailments.  It works with unblocking our Chakras, prayers and the warm touch of hands.

It is much more than that. I am not the best person to describe here what any of this is, but both Reiki and Chakras are very interesting concepts that I want to learn more about.  Perhaps as I learn I will summarize here the ideas.

I believe in anything that is used for good.  I believe in the power of the unknown and the unseen.  I believe in energy, light and the Universe.

One of the women mentioned I need to take time for myself and to do the things I love and make me happy.  I agree with that.  I need to take care of myself and put myself first.  This year, specially, has been all about others, family, friends and work.

I thought it was interesting that both women mentioned I have a deep sadness, a past sorrow that I need to address and work on.  I didn’t think I have any sorrow, but I can’t help thinking if the break up is not still lurking around specially since the Ex made an appearance in the last couple of months.   They recommended working on this by praying for help, comfort and guidance.

Ex came to collect a last item for the car and spoke to my sister.  I made sure not to be around when he came. He implied that she didn’t know the whole story.  I was furious with him and his implications.  There is nothing else to the story.  He cheated.  He has issues.  It is a case of blaming the victim.  I take full accountability for my fault in it.  But after 5 years I can’t see where I failed.  He is a master manipulator and twister of the truth.  I wonder what he thinks the truth is.  The deal with psychopaths is that they believe their own lies.

I always pray, well it is more like short gratitude conversations thanking God for all I have.  When I ask for something I ask for guidance and strength. He knows what I need and deserve to be a better person, to fulfill my purpose in life.

I need to take more time for silence, for God, for me, to feed my soul.  I have been feeling I am lacking the spiritual side.  I am lacking that replenishing of energy that we all need.  The day to day take so much of us.  We become robots, doing things out of routine and just sheer want, not even stopping to see if what we want is good for us.  I want to be more aware and in being more aware, be freer.

“If, then, I were asked for the most important advice I could give, that which I considered to be the most useful to the men of our century, I should simply say: in the name of God, stop a moment, cease your work, look around you.” – Leo Tolstoy

 

 

Loving the search

08 Tuesday Aug 2017

Posted by in Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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“You can be in love and you can be in a relationship. But they’re not always the same thing.” ― pleasefindthis (Iain S. Thomas) 

Am I becoming one of those people that swear off of relationships forever? Not that there is anything wrong with that!  I do want a relationship.  I like the idea that I still believe in love and that I am searching for my fairy-tale, for my Prince Charming.

Still often I seem to be finding excuses not to get involved in one.  Any time I meet someone that seems a little promising I immediately get in the “let me find something wrong with him” mode.

Sometimes there is really something wrong with him, but often I just pick at stupid things. I went on a second date with a guy the other night and when he walked me to my car he started telling me a story. He was speaking so loudly that I am sure people passing by thought he was arguing with me. I am Brazilian, we are not known for speaking softly, and still I dismiss someone for speaking loud. The same goes for the guy that I dismissed because he touched his food with his hands. I touch my food with my hands all the time.

Of course there are the times that I like them and they don’t like me.  In those instances I wonder if I just like them because they don’t seem interested in me?

What is happening here?  Am I being too pick or am I just being specific about what I want and don’t want?

Perhaps they are simply not the right person yet and I am just terrified of settling for the wrong person.  What if I settle for someone almost perfect for me and then the perfect one arrives?

I am saying “perfect for me” and not “perfect”. Not only perfection doesn’t exist, if it did it would be extremely boring and stressful trying to keep up with it.

Another possibility is that, even though I am searching for someone,  I don’t really want anyone.  I feel I am very open and easily let people in, but perhaps that is just not the case at all. My openness is just camouflage for my guarded heart.

Being alone is safe.  Opening up and letting others in not so much.  This blog was born out of the pain from the last time I really let someone in and even though I love my blog I do not want that pain again.

Perhaps still I am just having too much fun searching and don’t want to give that up?  I am enjoying being single and going on many blind dates.  I am fascinated by all the different types of people I meet.  Am I becoming a player?

I like the search, the discovery, the what-if, the process.  I like the idea of being in love, but perhaps I just don’t want to “fall” in love.  If happiness is a journey and not a destination I dare say that I am perfectly content on dating the rest of my life.

Yet, with all of that being said I am considering taking a one month break from online dating and returning later with fresher eyes.  Perhaps this online dating has become a game, or just entertainment. Maybe I am not taking things seriously or perhaps I am being too serious about it.

I also noticed that I am neglecting other aspects of my life. I haven’t had much free time lately, and a lot of the little time I have is spent on online dating.  I am neglecting my writing on this blog to write countless emails to countless potential dates.  I have to change things and prioritize me and what is important to me.  I think that I need to take a quick vacation from online dating.

But before I do I am going on a last date tomorrow night.


“The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.” ― Marcel Proust