Tag Archives: needing a change

Grateful for all, the good and the not so great!

21 Wednesday Nov 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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“Let gratitude be the pillow upon which you kneel to say your nightly prayer. And let faith be the bridge you build to overcome evil and welcome good.”  – ― Maya Angelou

This post was intended to be about Thanksgiving and gratitude but I am going to be selfish and ungrateful for a moment.  Please indulge my bellyaching.  Sometimes it feels that if I don’t talk about something my head will explode.   There are so many people out there with real issues.  But when all I want to do is cry I need to let it out.

I have never been so close to quitting my job as I am right at this moment. I normally make rash decisions just following my gut, but this time I need to really think about it.

The stick that is threatening to break the camel’s back is a new broker that has been hired in my office.  In the first few days she just seemed quirky, now I realize she is impossible to deal with.  I have been in this same job for 18 years, over 25 years in this industry and I have never dealt with someone like her before.   Immediately things became difficult.  She is so defensive.  It is impossible to talk to her.

Unfortunately I have to deal with her. This is a small place and I do everything, it is hard to avoid her. The world of brokers and traders are full of big egos that expect others to cater to their every whim.  For the past 25 years I have been able to navigate this world without losing my mind.  I did take 1 year off after my first 6 years in the industry.

“Nobody can hurt me without my permission.”  -― Mahatma Gandhi

I am trying to exercise compassion towards her. I am failing.

I have been able to put brokers in their place and have them follow the rules.  Not anymore.  Now that there are more rules to be followed they all feel like they can disregard what I say. I have asked the owner of the firm to intervene and laid down the law but he has done nothing.  I think he has gotten used to me handling it all that he thought this too would pass or that I would calm down. It hasn’t and I haven’t.  There are days I get so angry that I feel I am close to having a stroke

Perhaps I am also burned out.  I need a change.  I need a break.  I am going to get a little break now.  I am leaving for Brazil on Friday for 10 days.  Will 10 days be enough to renew and love my job again?

“Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. 
…live in the question.”  – ― Rainer Maria Rilke

I have mentioned to some of the other partners that I am done.  That it is just a matter of when I am leaving, but they promise that there will be changes by the time I return.  I doubt it, and I wondered if, even if there are changes, if it is not a little too late.  The owner is not here at the moment but called to see if I was okay – he probably heard my threat of quitting.  I didn’t really wanted to talk to him at the moment so I just said yes and got off the phone as quick as I could.  If I started telling him how I felt I would cry, and I promised myself that I if I ever cried at work again I would quit.

Before he left on his vacation he said he would fire her.  I am sure it was just a bluff, as he knew the other partners, me included, would stop him.  I would never want anyone fired because of me. Ever!

If were not for thinking of my parents I would walk out now, but I do consider the future.  I don’t want to make hasty decisions.  I enjoy the fact that I can provide them with anything they want. I don’t live paycheck to paycheck.  If I quit I have the luxury of not working for awhile but what about later on.  Am I going to regret it?  I am a partner here, what if all of a sudden we start making real money, or we get bought by a larger company?  So many “what ifs” going around in my mind.

“Top 15 Things Money Can’t Buy
Time. Happiness. Inner Peace. Integrity. Love. Character. Manners. Health. Respect. Morals. Trust. Patience. Class. Common sense. Dignity.” – ― Roy T. Bennett

Perhaps this woman just came into the picture to illustrate that I need a change. Perhaps she is the tragedy before the miracle.

I am sending the Universe my intentions of a change, of doing something else.  Money is good, but it is not everything, and I am not getting any younger.  What would I rather be doing?

I want to be a ski bunny in some snowy mountain somewhere.  A 52 year old ski bunny with a hip problem that doesn’t even know how to ski well – picture that if you can!

Thank you for letting me vent.  I am enormously grateful for you, my friend of many years, that puts up with my typos and run on sentences. You are priceless and even included in my prayers – that is how special you are!

I wish everyone a beautiful and blessed Thanksgiving!  I hope you are surrounded by love and things you love.  I hope that you are with family and friends, but even if are alone that you don’t feel alone, that you bask in the love and light.

“We can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorns have roses.” – ― Alphonse Karr

I am immensely  grateful for everything. I am grateful above all for my family and my faith in God.  I am grateful for this job, yes this job that I want to quit, that affords me the life I have.  I am grateful for having options.  I am grateful for friends.  I am grateful for life. I am grateful for hope.

I am grateful that I can help others.  This week I bought coffee/lunch for 3 people 2 different times each.  I helped a guy at the grocery store buy the juice he was leaving behind because he didn’t have enough money.  I pray that God puts in my way people for me to help.  And that is another reason I am grateful for this job that pays me well.

I am sorry for this long winded, full of typos post.

“Be still and the storm will cease” – my friend Anthony wrote me that.  Those few words calmed my heart. I stopped, took a breath and felt the anger and anxiety leave my body.

“You are the sky. Everything else – it’s just the weather.” – ― Pema Chödrön

Speaking my mind, speaking my heart

14 Sunday Jan 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files

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“The problem that we have with a victim mentality is that we forget to see the blessings of the day. Because of this, our spirit is poisoned instead of nourished.” -Steve Maraboli

I have been having issues at work that have been making me feel unappreciated. I know that is the victim in me speaking.  I know I am being sensitive and emotional about it.  But in this battle between mind and heart my heart is won.

I am not going to go into the reasons for feeling the way I feel,  it is long, boring and ever changing and still never changing.  I am NOT talking about any form of harassment.  If anything, I am the flirty one at work.  I am talking about not feeling included and part of the team/management.

I work with self-absorbed, arrogant, egotistical, entitled men.  This problem is not isolated to my office.  It is the entire financial/wall street industry.  I am not sure they realize how insensitive they can be to the support personnel, to the people that are there to help them succeed.  I am not sure if they are just clueless or if they just don’t care about others. One thing I know is that they are shortsighted.

To me the sign of a great person is in how he/she treat others.  If they only treat well and acknowledge the people that are able to benefit them or improve their status while ignoring the ones that are not able to do much for them and/or are beneath them in some invisible social caste, that to me is a small poor excuse for a person.

“I never meet a ragged boy in the street without feeling that i may owe him a salute, for I know not what possibilities may be buttoned up under his coat.” – James A. Garfield

I should be used to it by now after having been in this industry for over 25 years.  I am not.  I don’t think I ever will.  I think that I am extra sensitive because I am an immigrant.  I feel invisible often.  I have major issues with not feeling included, with feeling overlooked.

I wish I would just keep thoughts and feelings to myself in the workplace, but I can’t.  I have to say what is in my mind, and more importantly, what is in my heart.  So, once again I did.   I had a couple of different issues with a couple of different people, one of them my boss.  I told them how I felt.

There were looks of confusion, explanations, excuses and apologies. Some men really don’t know what to do when a woman starts talking feelings and emotions, specially in the work place.  They both had the look of a deer in the headlights.  To their credit, they both acted quickly to apologize and correct what I perceived was a wrong. They tried to justify the situation, to tell me that perhaps I didn’t understand the whole story.  As I explained to them, separately, what is important here is how the they should realize that their actions or lack thereof have consequences and may make others feel bad.  I wanted them to be more aware.

I accepted the apologies and appreciated my boss’s attempt of correcting a wrong and show me how important I am to the firm.  Sometimes everything seems a little too late.  Nothing will change, nothing ever does.  I wish I didn’t have to say anything.  I wish they would realize things without being told.

“I speak to everyone in the same way, whether he is the garbage man or the president of the university.” – Albert Einstein

Still I don’t like this complaining side of myself. I hate portraying myself as a victim.  There is nothing I hate more than people portraying themselves as victim instead of being pro-active and correcting the problem.  I am a firm believer that instead of complaining I should be correcting, changing, moving on.

Perhaps the time has come to make a change. Perhaps I should work on my resume and see what else is out there.  Perhaps 17 years in the same office is enough.   I am an impulsive Aries and at times I feel like just saying good bye to my job.  At times I feel I am just a second away from that.

Then, after crying and feeling helpless.  After I let my heart and emotions go insane.  After I said all I had to say and dealt with the aftershocks.  After, in my mind, I am already bagging my bags, I then stopped and took a breath.  I took a step back and shook myself aware.

A new job in the same industry would only change the location.  The attitudes would be the same, plus I would probably not be able to speak my mind as freely as I do now.

“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.” – Winston Churchill

At the end of the day I realize I do have a great job.  I know I would be hard to be replaced.  In their own clueless way my co-workers and partners appreciate me.  I get paid well and have a say on a lot things.  So, it is not perfect, but what is?

I am blessed and have no right to complain about anything. Many people would love to have what I have.

Still I think that having an updated resume and being open to hear other opportunities is not a bad thing.  What I cannot do is make decisions out of hurt and anger. Decisions should not be made in haste but with a clear and calm mind.

Even though I often wish I would not speak my mind and my heart, at the end of the day, to me it is not about hearing apologies and having actions done to correct the matter, but it is the fact that I talked about what was eating me up inside.  I am free because of that.  I am free because I no longer harbor the feelings of mistreatment I had.  And feeling free is amazing.

“The two hardest tests on the spiritual road are the patience to wait for the right moment and the courage not to be disappointed with what we encounter.” – Paulo Coelho

On the next post I am talking about the guy I had 2 dates with and that by now I have already had dates 3 and 4. This is a whole new territory for me.