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“The problem that we have with a victim mentality is that we forget to see the blessings of the day. Because of this, our spirit is poisoned instead of nourished.” -Steve Maraboli

I have been having issues at work that have been making me feel unappreciated. I know that is the victim in me speaking.  I know I am being sensitive and emotional about it.  But in this battle between mind and heart my heart is won.

I am not going to go into the reasons for feeling the way I feel,  it is long, boring and ever changing and still never changing.  I am NOT talking about any form of harassment.  If anything, I am the flirty one at work.  I am talking about not feeling included and part of the team/management.

I work with self-absorbed, arrogant, egotistical, entitled men.  This problem is not isolated to my office.  It is the entire financial/wall street industry.  I am not sure they realize how insensitive they can be to the support personnel, to the people that are there to help them succeed.  I am not sure if they are just clueless or if they just don’t care about others. One thing I know is that they are shortsighted.

To me the sign of a great person is in how he/she treat others.  If they only treat well and acknowledge the people that are able to benefit them or improve their status while ignoring the ones that are not able to do much for them and/or are beneath them in some invisible social caste, that to me is a small poor excuse for a person.

“I never meet a ragged boy in the street without feeling that i may owe him a salute, for I know not what possibilities may be buttoned up under his coat.” – James A. Garfield

I should be used to it by now after having been in this industry for over 25 years.  I am not.  I don’t think I ever will.  I think that I am extra sensitive because I am an immigrant.  I feel invisible often.  I have major issues with not feeling included, with feeling overlooked.

I wish I would just keep thoughts and feelings to myself in the workplace, but I can’t.  I have to say what is in my mind, and more importantly, what is in my heart.  So, once again I did.   I had a couple of different issues with a couple of different people, one of them my boss.  I told them how I felt.

There were looks of confusion, explanations, excuses and apologies. Some men really don’t know what to do when a woman starts talking feelings and emotions, specially in the work place.  They both had the look of a deer in the headlights.  To their credit, they both acted quickly to apologize and correct what I perceived was a wrong. They tried to justify the situation, to tell me that perhaps I didn’t understand the whole story.  As I explained to them, separately, what is important here is how the they should realize that their actions or lack thereof have consequences and may make others feel bad.  I wanted them to be more aware.

I accepted the apologies and appreciated my boss’s attempt of correcting a wrong and show me how important I am to the firm.  Sometimes everything seems a little too late.  Nothing will change, nothing ever does.  I wish I didn’t have to say anything.  I wish they would realize things without being told.

“I speak to everyone in the same way, whether he is the garbage man or the president of the university.” – Albert Einstein

Still I don’t like this complaining side of myself. I hate portraying myself as a victim.  There is nothing I hate more than people portraying themselves as victim instead of being pro-active and correcting the problem.  I am a firm believer that instead of complaining I should be correcting, changing, moving on.

Perhaps the time has come to make a change. Perhaps I should work on my resume and see what else is out there.  Perhaps 17 years in the same office is enough.   I am an impulsive Aries and at times I feel like just saying good bye to my job.  At times I feel I am just a second away from that.

Then, after crying and feeling helpless.  After I let my heart and emotions go insane.  After I said all I had to say and dealt with the aftershocks.  After, in my mind, I am already bagging my bags, I then stopped and took a breath.  I took a step back and shook myself aware.

A new job in the same industry would only change the location.  The attitudes would be the same, plus I would probably not be able to speak my mind as freely as I do now.

“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.” – Winston Churchill

At the end of the day I realize I do have a great job.  I know I would be hard to be replaced.  In their own clueless way my co-workers and partners appreciate me.  I get paid well and have a say on a lot things.  So, it is not perfect, but what is?

I am blessed and have no right to complain about anything. Many people would love to have what I have.

Still I think that having an updated resume and being open to hear other opportunities is not a bad thing.  What I cannot do is make decisions out of hurt and anger. Decisions should not be made in haste but with a clear and calm mind.

Even though I often wish I would not speak my mind and my heart, at the end of the day, to me it is not about hearing apologies and having actions done to correct the matter, but it is the fact that I talked about what was eating me up inside.  I am free because of that.  I am free because I no longer harbor the feelings of mistreatment I had.  And feeling free is amazing.

“The two hardest tests on the spiritual road are the patience to wait for the right moment and the courage not to be disappointed with what we encounter.” – Paulo Coelho

On the next post I am talking about the guy I had 2 dates with and that by now I have already had dates 3 and 4. This is a whole new territory for me.