Monthly Archives: March 2012

3 YEARS TODAY???

07 Wednesday Mar 2012

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Today it would have been 3 years together. The ex corrected me on a text the other day saying that is not” would be” but “are”.  Are? Are we still together? I guess we have different ideas of what it means to be together.

When you hint (well, more than hint) that I should move out and I do, we are not together!

When we see each other once a week when you have time, we are not together!

When you warn me that you are not doing anything for Valentine’s Day, no flowers, no card, no dinner, we are not together!

When I am not first, second, third, fourth or fifth in your priority list, we are not together!

What I am is convenient! I am here for when you need/want!  The sad part is that I am better than that!  But right now I feel I don’t have the strength to change anything.

I decided to just love and make no judgement about anything.  I have to be honest that deciding to just love has been freeing.  It has made me lighter.

On this 3 year anniversary would be, I thank God for the time ex and I spent together. I thank ex for all he taught me and all he introduced me to. Thank you ex for the trips you have taken me to.  thank you for introducing me to tennis and skiing.  Thank you for treating me like a Princess (well until you didn’t anymore).

I have no regrets of our time together.  I have no regrets of ever loving you and for loving you still! I will love you forever.  I am trying to move on as best as I can. I am trying to hold it all together. I thank God for the good memories that I will cherish forever.

May we be able to remain friends, supporters and fans of each other.  May my heart not turn to stone, but become so huge and soft that will encompass all!

From my heart and soul I wish you ex all the best, may God guide you and open all the doors that have remained stubbornly closed.  I wish you find what you are looking for. I wish you happiness, contentment, harmony and peace!!  With love for all that to be with me, but perhaps the Universe has other ideas, so please be happy and send the world happiness!!!

****

What I really wanted today was to receive flowers from him at my desk. What I received was a text saying “Happy 3 yr anniversary, wish we could be together more”.  Not that I want to be picky, but where is the “I love you”??

Come on, Miss Blessed, you said you decided to love, so just love and be grateful you got that and move on!!! Just breath!!!!!!

****

I knew that today would be a major difficult day.  The anniversary coupled with PMS, and is also Chiefy’s birthday.  Chiefy is the ex’s dog.  I came to love and care about that dog like I never cared about any creature before. Today, and actually, any time I think of him (which happens on a daily basis) I say a prayer to Saint Francis – the patron saint of the animals.

Today Chiefy, on your 8th birthday may God protect and guide you. May Saint Francis be always watching you! May you have long health, shiny coat, water, food and warm bed.

I love you Chiefy!!

First Step in Volunteering and going back to dance

06 Tuesday Mar 2012

Posted by in Volunteering

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Today I completed and mailed out the application to volunteer at the local hospital.  It feels great to be progressing on my desire to volunteer. The Volunteer Coordinator said this process may take from 2 to 6 weeks.

Once they have my application, they will review it and call me in for an interview to see if and where I fit.  She made it seem that volunteers are always wanted, so I am hopeful that soon I will be working there.

I thought that once I decided to volunteer it would be an easier process and I would be welcome with open arms, but that is not the case. The Friends of the Library coordinator hasn’t returned my call. And the United States Tennis Association website says that they are not accepting volunteers at this time.

I am trying to think of different organizations I could volunteer at. So I am hoping that if the hospital doesn’t work out I will have something else lined up.

The idea of volunteering started with my need to keep myself as busy as I can, so that I have no time to think about ex. At the same time I always believed in doing good and helping people as much as one can, I now wonder why it took me so long to get the wheels in motion.

***

By chance I have moved right across my dance studio,so tonight I went to visit the girls from my old class. I am tempted to go back to the dance class, and to the recital every June. I love dance, I am right across the street and it will keep me busy and active.  At the same time I really don’t have the talent, and I haven’t danced in 2 years. Need to think about it…

***

I miss the ex and the ex’s dog so much!!!

Sunday, Sunday

05 Monday Mar 2012

Posted by in EX Files, Finding Me

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I think I have ADHD. I have so many plans and ideas, and want to start them now.

It will be 1 month on March 7 that I have moved out of ex’s house and into a tiny apartment.  I am still adjusting.  I think it will take awhile to really be comfortable with being alone.

Anyway, I need to find things to occupy my time, so I don’t think.  I need to busy myself. So I am looking into classes, volunteering, anything I can think of that will keep my mind occupied.

On March 7 it would have been also our 3 year anniversary!!! I can’t believe that I still have tears left. All I want is one day without crying and feeling sad. I know this is for the best, but it is hard to let go of the dream, the fairy tale. I have to remember that the Universe, God has a plan for me.

This post is all over the place, I guess I should have an idea before I start typing.

Today I got my hair cut and blow dried straight.  I haven’t used my hair straight in a long time.

I just did my nails and toes this evening.  Feels good to take care of myself again.

****

I forgot to mention something on the post yesterday.

My seat mate on the bus while talking to me, opened her purse and took 2 cell phone out and said these are my Obama phones.  I said: what? she repeated: Obama phone.  She explained to me that people on disability and welfare get free cell phones with 250 free minutes on it.  I have never heard of that before! Have you?

I am not sure how I feel about that!

****

Another messy post. But I want to make sure that I post everything day. I will learn as I go along.

Aha at the Casino

04 Sunday Mar 2012

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Decided to the casino today. I received an email from Foxwoods offering me a Brookstone Flip Speaker Dock, so decided it was worth taking a 2 hour bus drive to go get it. It was also a good chance for me to see where the bus stops right here in my new town and to take a test drive before my Mom comes to visit and I take her.
I always said that I could seriously become a gambler, I definitely have an addictive personality. So I have made a conscious effort to just go when I taking Mom.
Moving on,
I, at 46, was the youngest person on the bus. The is a certain air of despair in the bus. Looking around I am thinking that most before here should not be going there.
My seat mate, she chose me because there was a lady the she didn’t want next to her. She is recovering from lung cancer. Great opportunity for me to realize how blessed I am to have my health!
*****
let me digress a little bit, before I forget, let me tell you about last night. The ex texted and seemed to be hinting that he wanted to come over. I am happy and proud of myself that I have made a decision to just love, love as much as I can, whenever I can. And by that I mean, I am not going to play games, even though I am tempted to no reply to texts or call, to pretend I have things to do, places to see and I am too busy for him, when in truth I am never too busy for him!

Progress, small hints of progress, at least in my mind…deciding to love…
****
continuing with the casino, I will not bore you with the details of casino and slot playing minutiae.
I wanted to tell you about an aha moment I had.

It was this same casino in October that I was on the phone with ex, begging, crying, yelling for him not to go this Tantra workshop he was going to. He “forgot” to tell me that he was going to stay at hotel the whole weekend. Anyway, I was not happy with the idea. I will expand on that later on another post.
Anyway, in walking along the same corridor that I did while with him on the phone, I was getting very sad and nostalgic and thinking a lot of “what if”. What if I had been more understanding, would we be together still? Perhaps I would never have moved out. I was about to start crying and I turned my head and looked towards the trees outside. And something clicked, something caught my attention:
the trees were mostly bare, leafless, except for this one tree that had several stubborn leaves. The leaves were moving a lot from the wind hitting them, but they would not fall, and I thought to myself:
It is true, nothing happens on this earth if God doesn’t intend to. Not a leaf fall from a tree if that is not the wish of God.
At the moment I realize that no matter what I did or didn’t do, this is where I should be right now. This is how the Universe wants it, for my own good and growth. There is a reason for everything. I may not know at the moment what the reason is, but somewhere, sometime down the road I will raise my eyes to the sky and whisper: will knew best!
It became clear to me that right now I need to have faith, unshakeable, unlovable faith! I need to trust!
Another lesson from the leaves is that no matter how much the wind hit them they hung on. They were doing their job, they were being leaves.

I will be posting a picture of the tree and leaves later.
**
right now watching a movie: Breaking and Entering”. will let you know if I like it.

Until then have faith and decide to love!

Loving and not looking back

02 Friday Mar 2012

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Deciding to just love and not look back is hard but it feels wonderful!

I decide to see the ex every now and then, well it is pretty much when he wants.  I know that that sounds awful.  Sound like I am being used and settling for second best, but I don’t see it that way.  I see it as enjoying and cherishing the love we still have. We are not together as a couple for a variety of reasons.  It was mostly his choice not to work on this relationship and focus on his business and other situations.  Do I fault him? Do I think he never loved me enough? Yes, a big resounding yes, but I am choosing not to dwell on it.  I am choosing to accept his company and affection whenever possible.  At the same time I am not altering my schedule or previously made plans to accommodate him.

It is my plan to, little by little, to give you my background, so you will have a better idea of who I am and how I got here.

Learning to enjoy life without the pressure to follow society’s norm and ideas of when one should be married, have kids, etc is not simple.  But I am managing to do it.  Not always pretty and painless.

Being accountable

01 Thursday Mar 2012

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For the record:

1 apple, 2 slices whole wheat bread with butter, coffee with cream and sugar, sugar cookies

this is what I had so far.  Not the best, but it good be much worst!!

The beginning

01 Thursday Mar 2012

Posted by in Finding Me

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March 1, 2012

I always wanted to write a book, but I never get started it. Ideas come to me throughout the day and I think they would be great for my book, and still I don’t do it.

And then I realized that if I were to wait for motivation I may never start.

So, blogging seemed like the ideal first step. Nothing more fitting than to start on the first day of my birthday month!!

At the end of this month I will be turning 46. That number is causing me all sorts of reactions., from being numb to having my heart race. I know it is only a number, we 2 numbers to be precise. But it is what the number represents, or more accurately what the number should represent.

46 should represent a life well lived. Should represent a marriage and family!!! Haha! That is the point: I am going to be 46 and single!!! I may as well be dead!! Sorry, did I just say that? I don’t really think that, no most of the time. But I must confess that every now and then I think to myself: where did my life go?

A life well lived? I think so! And who cares if I am

Truth is: my life is right here, right now! My life is being shaped as I write!

Something else you should know is that I am just (well, it has been 5 months, but still painfully fresh) coming out of a 3 year relationship that I thought it would be forever. I met someone and immediately we met each other’s family and moved in together. I left my apartment and moved into his home. In my heart I knew it was forever.

Now I think: was my heart mistaken? And how can I trust my heart again? I feel like a farce now. I am the one that shouted for anyone to hear that one must lead life with the heart, and that if you follow your heart, then you cannot ever be lead wrong! Oh well, there goes that!

But moving on, this blog is supposed to be hopeful and positive in the face of adversity. It is supposed to be about living and rebuilding life after we are knocked down by some of life’s curve balls.

This blog will be about my triumphs and my failures. It will be to celebrate life and life’s little surprises. It will be about anything and everything!

This blog is for me, but also for you, so that we can laugh together, so that we can help each other!

This blog is about my growth as a person and hopefully we can grow together.

This blog is me with a star on the forehead!

I welcome advice, constructive criticism and anything good you send my way!

Hello world!

01 Thursday Mar 2012

Posted by in Daily Life

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Hi, Welcome to my little corner.  I am not sure when you are reading this, but I am writing it on March 18, 2022.  Yes, 10 whole years after I started my blog.  Welcome to a glimpse of my life.  I try to be honest, respectful and kind, and I am blessed with readers that are the same way.

I welcome your visits, comments, insights, really anything you would like to share.  This is a judgment free zone.

Just know that you are important and blessed!  I am grateful for you!