Tag Archives: prayer

“Being in control of the uncontrollable”

02 Saturday Aug 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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The florist at the corner of my apartment

The florist at the corner of my apartment

“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.” ― Haruki Murakami

The past week has been extremely tough.  It has been a busy tiring week at work but it has been even more demanding emotionally.   My father has been in the hospital for the past 10 days with a severe infection.  This infection (I am choosing not to name it here) is rare and potentially fatal.   It affects elderly diabetic patients and it grows at an extremely fast rate.

It didn’t help that he hid the symptoms from everyone, but fortunately he eventually was taken to the hospital in time.  Surgery was performed the same day and a course of 3 antibiotics was started.  The doctor thinks he should be able to go home this coming week, but it will take several months for him to be fully recovered (or as close as we can get to that).

This came out of nowhere and the entire family had to scramble to deal with everything. Well, not really the entire family since I am not there to scramble.  It is hard being here and not in Brazil to help my family and to be with my dad.

“Sometimes life knocks you on your ass… get up, get up, get up!!! Happiness is not the absence of problems, it’s the ability to deal with them.”
― Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free

Since I have been in the US for a long time I am used to not being a part of family events, good or bad.  I do worry about the fact that something may happen to a loved one and I may not even have time to say good bye.

At work I get everything done and done well, so this week has been specially productive, but this feeling of powerlessness and helplessness overwhelms me.  I have been calling my family many times a day to find out news and to offer words of support. Even though I only mean to help I realize that some times I can sound critical and preachy.  I have been doing my best not to sound like I am telling my family what to do.  Finally today I decided that I will only call once a day.  I realized that I need to step back and let them to what they need to do instead of offering more opinions. I realized that I make them feel that I am not trusting their judgement and care, which is the furthest thing from the truth.

“The reason many people in our society are miserable, sick, and highly stressed is because of an unhealthy attachment to things they have no control over.” –― Steve Maraboli

I realized that my constant calling is more for my benefit than theirs.  It makes me feel connected to them and it makes me feel I am doing something.  When I call I don’t feel far away.    I have to realize that I am already doing all I can at this point (I am the financial support).  This is another opportunity to Let Go and Let God!  Another opportunity to realize that the only thing I can control are my actions.  Nothing else is under my control.  Some things cannot be manipulated. Reaching for the phone every second I want to feel connected to them is overreacting, it is my way of avoiding my feelings and not going through my own grief and emotions.

This is a time for reflection.  Too many phone calls is reactive and impulsive and creates confusion and misunderstandings.  I need controlled and thoughtful action.  I have been wanting sugar more than usual, as I realize that sugar is my security blanket.  The great thing is I am fully aware of that and because I am aware I can slowly change it.   So instead of sugar I am going for humor, prayers and gratitude. Prayers sooth my soul and my heart.  Prayers are the perfect remedy, there is no time or place for it, and it is not caloric 🙂

“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” ― George Burns

Humor is another great remedy for me.  I find ways to laugh and to make others laugh throughout my day.  I look for smiles and moments of gratitude and realize every second I am living is a second I should feel grateful for.  I am not denying, ignoring or making light of all that is going on, but I am not letting it control me.  A change in attitude and outlook changes everything.  I am not always successful, as just yesterday I blew up at one of my partners over something stupid.  He is very important to me and cares about me, therefore it makes him such an easy target.  My sister helped me realize that I needed to say sorry.  And I did! He, kind as usual, said he didn’t notice.  Then he added: It was only the second time in 30 years, so it is not bad.  I said: it was 2 times too many!

I have so much to be grateful for.  I have a loving  family that stick together in troubled times,  a brother and sister that cares and takes care of my parents as well as I would, a good insurance plan,  money to pay for all the extras not covered.  I also have a fighting and tough spirit, an inquisitive and open mind, a generous and caring heart.

“And in the end it is not the years in your life that count, it’s the life in your years.” ― Abraham Lincoln

Times like this makes me think of my mortality.  I am not afraid of dying, but I am afraid of wasting my life. I am in tune to the fact that if you want to do something to it today, now, because tomorrow is not a certainty.  Things can happen in the blink of an eye.

Are you ready to die today? If not, why are you living as if you are already dead? Why are you going from day to day as a zombie, not really feeling alive, not learning, not loving, not sharing, not challenging yourself?  Are you waiting for a wake up call? Are you waiting for a tragedy to realize that the moment is now? What is that one thing you have been wanting to do but keep postponing for the right time?  Do that one thing right now!!!

“Many people pray to be kept out of unexpected problems. Some people pray to be able to confront and overcome them.” ― Toba Beta, Betelgeuse Incident

My prayers have not changed, of course my dad and the rest of the family has been the focus of them, but I continue to pray for God not to give me what I want but what He knows I need and can handle at this time. Prayer to me is strength, is my recognizing that I am not at control.  Prayer is safety, is knowing that I am being taken care of, as long as I do my part,

My sister said to me yesterday, right after explaining another curve ball thrown at her:  I am not fighting any more, I am flexible, I am accepting!  I keep going, doing what I can!  That shows a great maturity and growth on her part (she was always the rebel one and the one not wanting to accept certain situations). I have been learning a lot from her and admire her fortitude in this and other situations.

“For after all, the best thing one can do when it is raining is let it rain.” ― Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

 

 

I am going home – Sandy or no Sandy! – Day 8

29 Monday Oct 2012

Posted by in Daily Life

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Staying in a hotel to be near work during this storm was probably not one of my best ideas, so this morning I packed up and checked out.

I am at work now and a co-worker that lives in the same town I do drove in so that he can take me home.

I have offers from friends to go to their house but I think I rather stay at my apartment, but I will re-think that if need be.  There is something comforting about being in your own bed at times like this, but safety is number one.

Thank you so much for all the prayers and positive thoughts! They are all welcomed and very much appreciated!

I am praying that we are all safe no matter where we are and what we are doing! May peace be in our hearts and minds!

A blessed day to all!

 

An open letter to my Friend … Letting go of pain and fear and embracing the moment!

27 Friday Jul 2012

Posted by in Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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(this started as an e-mail to my friend after a long conversation last night.  

Dear Friend, this is to you, and to me, and to all in pain!)

I am really sorry for being hard on you sometimes and probably causing you pain with my harsh words.  But my words are only the frustration that I feel when I think that you are stuck on the hurts of the past. I wish I could just grab you by the shoulders and shake some sense into you.

I hope one day to come up with a magic word that will snap you out of the past and into the present. Until then I will keep trying with the weapons I have: brutal honesty peppered with humor all enveloped in love.

I wish I could just give you a hug and hold you for a long time and be held by you for a long time.  I want to be like that as day turns into night and then into day again. I just think that you need to be handled with love and care like I do. And I am not talking about sex (even though, that probably wouldn’t be so bad either), I am just talking human touch and connection.  Just that feeling of somebody being there for you – no words necessary!

I don’t know the extent of your hurt and your pains from the past, but I know that is holding you back from being in the present and looking to a future.  I don’t want to compare my pain with your pain.  We all hurt in different ways and different degrees.  We all deal with it in different ways.  I really have no business telling you what to do, how to react and how to feel.  But being a friend allows me no other choice.  I have to tell you how I feel.

.. and in writing this to you I realize I am also writing it to myself!

I really want you to understand that there is at least one person that cares about you: ME.  I don’t want anything from you.  I don’t want anything in return.

Well, actually I do.

I want you to be happy! I love the sound of your laughter! I long to hear it every day! That is why I make the most stupid jokes, all in an attempt to hear your laughter!

I want you to realize what a great person you are! You are not perfect! Nobody is! But among all your imperfections you shine! You have so many great things about yourself, such as honesty, generosity, compassion.  You have morals and lives by them! What I appreciate the most is the way that you present yourself to me: real, fallible, caring and sensitive.

I want you to make peace with the hurt in the past and leave the past in the past!

I want you to stop fearing your future! Live the now in full!  Be here completely now!

You are not your past and your past is not you! Right now you can decide who you want to be and what life and future you want.

Respect the pain! Don’t run away or try to bury your past: expose it, confront it, feel it, cry it, mourn it, forgive it, and then let it go! Stop dragging it around with you.  It is such a heavy baggage and it has no place in your present and future.

Forgive the people that hurt you in the past!  Only when you forgive them, you are able to leave them where they belong:  in the past.  Let them be just a page on your big book of life. You have no idea of the pain that they could be carrying themselves.  Whatever they did to you it was not because of you but because of their own pains and their inabilities of dealing with it and communicating their needs. Wish them well, pray for them.  I still pray for Ex and wish him only the best in life. The peace that I get whenever I send him good thoughts is priceless to me.  It frees me.  It pacifies my heart!

Forgive yourself! Even if you think that you caused yourself pain in the past or that somehow you did something to deserve it, realize that you are a flawed human being. You will make mistakes every now and then – making mistakes is part of our growing.  The key here is to acknowledge it, learn from it, forgive yourself and let it go!

Believe in God without any question! Believe that there is a reason for everything, even in the hurt.  If you believe that God is a loving and merciful God than what do you fear? What do you doubt?  Pray, meditate, talk to God, tell him your fears, place your fears in his hands and let it go!

Be grateful! Remember to thank God for the goodness he has blessed you with.  Remember to be thankful for everything you have in life. Be grateful for your health and the health of family members, for the job you have, for the house you live in and the car you drive.  Be grateful for the beautiful sunshine, and the benefits of the rain, for the food you just had and for the smile of a stranger!

Pain is necessary and unavoidable! The pain was necessary to get you to where you are today!  But it is your choice to wallow in self pity or gain strength from it and move on.  And don’t get me wrong, the future won’t be only love and joy, you will probably get hurt again, but that is called living!  If were not for the bad, the good wouldn’t have any flavor.

The best is yet to come. We both thought that our last relationships were amazing and the one that we were destined to be with, but guess what? Life has bigger and better things in store for us.  That was just an appetizer for the feast that lies ahead!

Am I just fooling myself?  Perhaps, but who really knows what the future holds? No one, but God (if you believe), so choose to live a life that is full of promise.  Concentrate on today and love and live the most that you can! Send to the Universe that idea the your future is so bright you will need sunglasses 24/7.

Hurt? Hurt is growing pains! Hurt is just the price that we have to pay for the ultimate happiness!

Stop looking for answers! Sometimes in life there are no answers.  People behave in the ways they behave and sometimes it makes no sense and there is no explanation.  Yes, they could have been honest and open and upfront about whatever was troubling them instead of blindsiding us with “we are over”.

See hardships as gifts! I totally believe that when people break up with us they are doing us a favor! Of course I wish the break up was different. Pain and hurt are there to makes us stronger.  It forces one to confront themselves and either fall apart or thrive!  It gives us a chance to rediscover ourselves and be the best that we can be!  There is an unique lesson here and we need/want to make sure not to miss it!

Enjoy life-don’t let fear hold you back! I want you to go out and dance and date! Try again, as many times as necessary! (yeah I must admit this was a real tough one for me to write.  There is nothing I dread more than you finding someone and my dreams of ever meeting you and perhaps being more than friends will have to come to an end.  But when you love someone you have to put their needs ahead of your wants.)

LIVE! LOVE! AS MUCH AS YOU CAN, WHENEVER YOU CAN! That is my dream and hope for you!

(Thank you Ex for making my pain so unbearable that I started writing a blog so I would not explode. Were not for that, I would not have gotten back to my love of writing.  Were not for that I would not  have met so many great people that genuinely care and graciously offer their love in the form of comments. Were not for that I would have not met my Friend – the one that I am sure was part of my life in a previous existence.  He walked straight into my heart!. My heart doesn’t have an exit door!  Once you are in you are there to stay)

 

Of prayers, expectations, love and hope!

23 Saturday Jun 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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(pic courtesy of google images)

My favorite voice on the phone got me thinking about God’s answer to our prayers. Well, he got me thinking about a whole lot of other stuff too but we don’t want to go there!  We want to keep this blog PG13.

We are both at a stage in our lives that we are thinking about spiritual growth and we are doing that while mending a broken heart or perhaps as a result of it.  We are both trying to look past our wants and focus on our needs – we want to feed our starving soul!  We want to be more grateful, we don’t want to take a single breath for granted.  We want to give more than we receive and yet we want to make sure that we don’t forget ourselves.  Above all we want love in our lives.

While my friend is very focused and working hard,  I am more laid back and not trying so hard.   I am doing the work, but not as much as I should or could, and certainly not with the same intensity. I fear getting fanatical, specially since I know my own tendencies.  I will attack something with all might only for a few months later to be exhausted and give up.  I decided to get off of that cycle.  I just want to live the best that I can.  Yes I am changing and growing but at my own pace. I want to give my body and mind a chance to adjust to each change before moving on to the next. So it will take me longer to be physically and mentally fit but when I get there it will feel like home. It will be natural and not forced.

We don’t want to be hurt again, so we try hard not to repeat past patterns and mistakes.  Unfortunately sometimes I think we over do it.  We analyze and rationalize everything to the point of paralysis. To be questioning every single step and feelings and consequences is exhausting.  I certainly don’t want to make the same mistakes of the past.  If anything, I want to make new ones.  But I am allowing for my human condition of being flawed and of sometimes having to learn the same lesson twice, or three times.  And if the teacher happens to be a sexy handsome man, then I plan on learning the lesson with a smile on my lips and a twinkle in my eyes!

What I don’t want above all is to let my fear stop me from living!

I am allowing for myself to fall down and continue getting up as many times as necessary. Perhaps life lies somewhere in between the falling down and getting up.

Prayers. We talked about praying to God to put our soul-mates in our paths.  And a thought came to me, so I said: what if God has already answered your prayer!  What if the answer is staring you in the face (or is a voice on the other end of the line 🙂 ) and you are just not seeing it because it didn’t come in the packaging you were expecting? it didn’t come in a neat little box with a neat little bow.

That got me thinking about our expectations when we pray.  We want a certain answer and that sometimes blind us to the real answer. We pray with expectations!  Can we pray and have complete trust in God to give us, not what we want, but what we need?  Are we ready for that? Are we ready for an answer that we didn’t expect?

Are we asking or are we telling God what to do? How do we know when He has or has not answered us yet? I say the answer is in the heart – our lifeline to God. Our heart will help us see the answer – if we are open to it and listening with an open heart!

Is He going to get sick of listening to my asking for a love over and over again that he will send me just anybody to shut me up and prove to me that I was not ready for it? Be careful what you pray too much for!

God’s guidance.  So, instead I pray for guidance, wisdom and strength.  I pray that I will be able to make the right choice at the right time. I pray that I will choose the right path, not the shortest or easiest. I pray for clarity in determining my next step. And once that path has been chosen I pray for strength to handle what may come. I pray for the right teachers on my path at the right time.  And I make God a promise that if He chooses to send me love I will cherish it and work on it day and night.

Expectations.   We try to live with none, but I venture a guess that most of us fail miserably. We may think we have none, but when we look closely at our actions and reactions, all we see is the expectation of a certain result. We work out to be healthy, but aren’t we deep down inside expecting to be great looking to attract the opposite sex? We go to work and do our best and we get a paycheck, but aren’t we also expecting recognition and praise? My ultimate goal is to remove all expectations but I realize that is the Mount Everest of tall orders.

Divine Timing. It is not when I want and when I think I am ready for it.  I have to respect the Universe’s timing.  I am a good person, I do good, I do no harm, I pray with faith, I have hope, but what if I am not done learning yet?  What if I am meant to kiss a lot more frogs, before I am ready for the one.  And I mean frogs with the utmost respect for the amphibians.

While we wait for the one,  life is happening.  Life waits for no one. I cannot put life on hold until the time is right. I cannot tell life to come back in 6 months.  Life is here and now, and I say embrace it!

And what if the one is right here? You prayed for it, you receive it, and now you are complaining about timing and other minor details? Sounds a bit ungrateful – lol

and, if better still, what if there is not a “one”. What if there is a series of ones? or what if there is just myself? I dare say I am ok with it!! More of the reason to enjoy the now and the one right now!

God’s Will. My God is not mean, and He doesn’t play cruel jokes, but he does have a sense of humor!   God’s will will  triumph, so why do we have to fight it sometimes? There is a reason for you to be put in my path! There is a reason we were drawn to each other.   Can we just relax long enough to see what that reason is? Why do we need to have a label for this? Why do we need to know from the get go what this will become? Why do we need to have a plan? (and at that word God is laughing, because our plans are nothing but our trying to control fate!)

Free Will.  ah the contradictions, His will will triumph in the end, and yet he gives us free will to pursue life. We can choose the little details that beautify life.  We can choose to love willing, we can choose right from wrong.  And we can choose to make this a passing cloud or a lingering thunderstorm. Our choice!

We are a clear canvas that we get to paint any way we see fit.  It doesn’t have to make sense to anybody else. Real or abstract it is ours, and all the potential in that is not lost on me.

We must not forget the consequences, because with Free Will comes consequences! Well, Miss Optimistic here think that consequences are rewards, validation, blue skies.

Relinquishing Control.  We spend so much time trying to mold things our way, trying to control the uncontrollable.  Perhaps we should just relax, give ourselves license to just be and let nature take its course. Stop trying to swim against the current. The more we try to control the less control we have, truer words have never been spoken!

I have to learn to let God sometimes to take the wheel, sometimes it is okay for me to just close my eyes and enjoy the ride.

Possibilities. You came into my life to show me possibilities. You came to wake me up.  I am wide awake, now what? Now the question is how long are you staying?  While I see the potential, possibilities, the all good, you see the problems, the logistical issues, the timing issue, the all bad. How ironic that the one that awoke in me possibilities cannot see them?

Daily gifts. I am going to see people coming into my life as gifts, and I will treat them as such! How they feel about me should not matter. People are gifts to my soul. They will teach me, make me smile, make me wonder, they will test my patient, but above all they will make me feel alive. You are my gift! and I am not returning it!

Blessings in disguise.  Perhaps we are not exactly what we each had in mind, but perhaps we are just what the doctor ordered at this moment in time.  Perhaps what you see as problems are the reasons why it is so perfect. Perhaps you need to broaden your view. How many times we look back and realize we failed to see a blessing and wish we could do it over?

Until our next conversation…

Thank you God for the beauty of unexpected friends. Thank you for helping me leave the door open so that the unexpected can come in.  May I have the grace to continue leaving the door open so that the unexpected does not feel trapped!

**

My wish for us: Moments of silence to listen to our hearts and courage to acknowledge the screaming of our souls!