12 Saturday May 2012
Posted in EX Files, Finding Me, Poetry
It feels good saying no
and for the first time meaning it
not having even a second of doubt
Your invitation is insulting
it says nothing is changed
when nothing is the same
it feels good saying no
when just a week ago I would have said yes
It feels good saying no to you
and saying yes to me
when I said no to you, I said yes to:
Do I deserve honesty?
Do I deserve respect?
Do I deserve loyalty?
Do I value me?
Yes, yes, yes and yes
When I said no to you.
I said yes to me!!
10 Thursday May 2012
Posted in Daily Life, Finding Me
Tags
So I have this male friend that we exchange e-mails weekly, sometimes daily. He is younger than I am and we used to go dancing together (we met at a dance club) and yes we kind of had a brief thing at that point. But that has been long in the past, almost 10 years ago.
We have not seen each other since then. We have spoken on the phone and lately just e-mails.
He is now married with a kid. We talk about work and goals. We do reminisce about the past every now and then when we talk about some song we used to dance to, but to me, not to go there again, but just for what it was: a good time.
So yesterday he mentioned that came to NY City last week to go to a game, and that he stopped at a pub and had some drinks.
I wrote half jokingly that I was hurt that he wouldn’t say anything to me or invite me to a drink. So he replied and I quote:
“Hurt? I apologize 1000 times, but I wasn’t exactly going there by myself. I had 2 other guys with me. Had I been by myself, you’d have been my first call. ;)”
What? I am thinking as I read it. What does that mean? Am I a friend that needs to be kept hidden? What are really your intentions then if we ever meet again?
I then wrote to him that I didn’t think that meeting would be a great idea anyway.
He asked me to explain that, to which I answered:
Well, if I cannot meet you while you are with friends, it feels like we would be hiding. And I want to lead a transparent life.
I guess I officially became a goody two-shoes prude! I just don’t want to have a friend that cannot tell his wife that he has a female friend. And moreover I don’t want to cause any conflict in anyone’s marriage. Am I over-thinking this?
It seems that another, so thought of as friend, bites the dust!
Oh well, I do need to make new friends, and ones with no ulterior motives.
05 Saturday May 2012
Posted in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me
Today I caught myself singing a Brazilian song written by Chico Buarque de Hollanda in 1976. It is called “Olhos nos Olhos” “Eye to Eye”
and here is the part I caught myself singing:
Olhos no olhos, quero ver o que você faz
Ao sentir que sem você passo bem demais
E que venho até remoçando
Me pego cantando
Sem mais nem porquê
Here is my loose translation:
Eye to eye, I want to see what you do
When you realize that without you I live very well
that I am even getting younger
and I catch myself singing
For no reason at all”
**
Amazing how, unconsciously, that is where my mind is. Me, that never sings would wake up singing that song, that part is to me a sign. A sign of growth and recovery and happiness.
Thank you God and Universe for the rehabilition of my cells, to the the renewal of each day, for the knowledge, experience and certainty, that this minute was better than the one before and that the next minute will be even better.
***
Here is the whole song and my loose translation:
Quando você me deixou, meu bem
Me disse pra ser feliz e passar bem
Quis morrer de ciúme, quase enlouqueci
Mas depois, como era de costume, obedeci
Quando você me quiser rever
Já vai me encontrar refeita, pode crer
Olhos no olhos, quero ver o que você faz
Ao sentir que sem você passo bem demais
E que venho até remoçando
Me pego cantando
Sem mais nem porquê
E tantas águas rolaram
Quantos homens me amaram
Bem mais e melhor que você
Quando talvez precisar de mim
‘Ce sabe a casa é sempre sua, venha sim
Olhos nos olhos, quero ver o que você diz
Quero ver como suporta me ver tão feliz
translation:
When you left me, my dear
You told me to be happy and be well
I wanted to die of jealousy, almost went crazy
but later, as I was used to, I obeyed
When you want to see me again
You are going to find me renewed, you better believe
Eye to eye, I want to see what you do
When you realize that without you I live very well
that I am even getting younger
and I catch myself singing
For no reason at all
and so many things have come and gone
so many men have loved me
more and better than you
When, perhaps, you will need me
you know the door is always open, do come
eye to eye, I want to see what you say
I want to see how so you stand to see me so happy
****
Is there a song that you find yourself singing for no reason?
03 Thursday May 2012
Posted in EX Files, Finding Me
so Ex has sent me a couple of texts, saying that I looked sexy last time he saw me and trying to invite himself over, to which I told him the truth, which he doesn’t really deserve, but telling the truth is how I choose to live, here is my e-mail reply:
“I am hurting (well, you know that), still crying over the loss of “us” every single day
I looked the other way so many times, with D. I pretended it was not happening, but celebrating anniversaries with M. was just the nail on my coffin
I can’t understand what have I done to deserve this from you
Right now praying every day to preserve our friendship and the love that I still feel for you and that you never had for me”
Here is his reply:
“I love you very much
Always have, always will
I know that we reached a point that I was unable to be the person you wanted me to be
Perhaps at some point I may be able to
You can and do think a lot of things, but never think that you are not loved and though about every single day of my life, many times”
Can you believe this reply? I guess that worst than a person lying to others is a person that lies to himself. Is either that or he is a total psychopath.
So I am not even bothering replying anything at this point, because, obviously he wouldn’t know truth and honesty if came up and bit him in the face, but let me just point out the obvious on his reply:
He says he loves me very much. Words are cheap and easy. His actions do not demonstrate that.
He says that he was not the person I wanted him to be. Amazing how he turns it around like I was the one unhappy one and the one with problems. But I guess in a way he is right, I wanted a man I could trust. I wanted an honest man, that would be faithful, and that would think that I alone was good enough for him. I wanted a man that could keep it in his pants.
He says: perhaps at some point I will be able to (be the person I want him to be). Sorry that ship has sailed. After trying, trying and trying some more, I had to face the truth that he just doesn’t want me. But it is really clever how he tries to keep me going with promises of a future. How he keeps dangling the carrot in front of me. Sorry, that carrot is no longer appealing.
He says: that I can think of many things except that I am not loved and thought about daily. Funny freaking way of showing his love. Lets count the ways: 1)by having all sorts of women coming to the house, 2)taking all sorts of women on dates, 3)by lying to my face many times, including saying that he wanted to be alone to focus on his business and children, 4)by saying that he was not doing anything for me, with me on Valentine’s Day because he didn’t want to send me the wrong message, 5)celebrating anniversaries with at least 1 woman, yep on the 22nd of May it will be 2 happy months with M., and so many other ways the loves and thinks of me daily, but I will not bore you with anymore details.
YES, HE REALLY LOVES ME!!!
please remind me: why am still trying to preserve a friendship with him??
03 Thursday May 2012
Posted in Daily Life, Finding Me
This is the question that I have been pondering over lately.
Do I active seek love or just go about my business and let it find me?
And when I say “love” I mean soul mate, my partner for life, I don’t mean just a date or a roll in the hay.
Because the truth is, I don’t need a boyfriend, but I want one. I do plenty of stuff alone and I adore my own company. But there are a lot moments where it would be could to have a partner.
I am already happy, so I don’t need someone to make me happy. I want someone to share my happiness.
Getting back to love finding me, it should be pretty easy, one would think, since I have been blessed with a star on my forehead. But what I realize that only the special someone will see the star and find me.
Now the question is: Where is he?
Did he give up looking for me and married somebody else?
I thought I had found him, but the truth is I wanted him so much that I made him up. Ex was so charming that I figure this is it.
So, right now I am on e-Harmony. But sometimes it just smells of desperation, of offering myself.
I like to think that I am being pro-active, like they say about the Lottery, you have to be in it to win it, so I guess this is my way of being in it!.
So are you actively pursuing love or are you waiting until it finds you?
30 Monday Apr 2012
Posted in EX Files, Finding Me
Tags
Exes are like old clothes that no longer fits us.
You know it does not fit you. Perhaps it is old and ripped, perhaps it is too small or hopefully too large, perhaps it is a style that it will never come back again. Whatever the reason maybe, there is a reason why those articles of clothing have been put aside and rarely looked at it.
It takes space in your closet and it is a constant reminder of some other time. And every now and then, perhaps when you are about to actually donate or put it in trash, you get nostalgic and think of all the emotional attachment, how you were that on your 30th birthday, or you bought it in Thailand and therefore irreplaceable, or how you got a compliment when you were it.
Whatever the reason may be you once again put it on, only to confirm that it looks awful, feels awful, or perhaps after you use you get a rash from the cheap material. There is nothing good about it. So are you going to get rid of it or put it back in the closet to revisit it at some point?
That is exactly what I was doing with Ex. Revisiting it time and time again. Thanks Heavens and the Universe that I woke up and realize that no good can come from going back there.
The truth is deep down inside I still thought and hoped that it would work. I was willing to forget and forgive everything, thinking that love conquers all.
Love conquers all when there is love. Lust doesn’t conquer all. Lust gives you great moments, but that is it!
So glad, so relieved, so thankful that I no longer have hopes that there is a future for Ex and I. So grateful that now I can look at him and think he will be a friend (if he is lucky), but that is it!
That realization is priceless. It is a huge stumbling block being lifted from my path.
So, forget about old clothes, donate, sell, give it away. Make space for new and better clothes. You are not the same person anymore. You are better and deserve better!
Don’t get stuck in the past!! Move on!!
Are you stuck in repeating patterns? Are you stuck in the past, still refusing to give up?
30 Monday Apr 2012
Posted in EX Files, Finding Me
Tags
Today Ex came over to show his mom my new place and to go out to dinner.
I had mixed feelings. I love Mom and really wanted her to see my place, but I question seeing Ex often and its effect on me.
Since I had the confirmation of yet another woman in his life and how he is already celebrating anniversaries with her, because as he told me: “She likes it”. With those 3 little words, he killed all the respect that I have ever had for him. It was like I was punched in the stomach. Since then, I have been putting all my efforts into forgetting I have ever loved him as a partner. I am, for the sake of everyone, including me and the moms, trying to love him as a friend.
So, he came over, I showed mom my apartment and we went to dinner at Sweet Potatoes in New Rochelle, NY. I will post the review on a following post.
On meeting him I made sure to avoid his lips and gave him a peck on the cheek and a quick hug. I am sure he was a little taken aback by my not giving him a kiss on the lips and a tight hug.
We went to dinner and enjoyed very much and had pleasant talk about a variety of subjects. Then we returned to my apartment and he attempted to help my put together my sound system.
He got some part working, and I was grateful for that, then they got ready to leave. Mom and I hugged and kissed and it was his turn and I tried avoiding his lips and tight hug, but his lips touched mine.
Still not sure how I feel about that kiss. Actually I know, I felt nothing. I think the spell is broken and I will be able to move on. I am glad that my resolve to not have any romantic or sexual contact with him continues and continues very strong.
Every time I feel my resolve weaken I think of those 3 little words: “She likes it”.
29 Sunday Apr 2012
Posted in Daily Life, Finding Me, Reviews
As I tackle items on my “To do list of self improvement”, that I mentioned in a list on my other blog “http://listuniverse.wordpress.com/”, I will be reporting my progress on working on that list right here.
So today I had my first Pilates session. I feel great. First for having tackled one item on my list and second for the overall benefit of doing something for my body.
Some of the positions and exercises were a little hard and at times even painful, but it was a good type of pain. The pain of my body being challenged.
G., the instructor is a woman originally from the Dominican Republic that has been teaching for 10 years. She was great. Her English was somewhat limited, but it didn’t seem important at all.
I think that she rents space in a house, because I met her at a house that it was clearly she didn’t live there. You could hear the kids and the other sounds of a household going about on a Sunday morning.
I guess if I were to have one complain it would be that: the noises around us. But I am not complaining.
The first step on anything is really the hardest, but I also believe that the next phase maintaining and keeping up with some project is probably even harder.
So I bought 10 sessions of Pilates because it will force me to continue with it at least for another 9 sessions.
I realize it is a monetary investment as well because it is not cheap, so I plan on being fully present for each sessions (not let my mind wonder), as well as stretching and attempting some exercises at home also.
What about you, did you ever take a Pilates session?
How about improving yourself, what steps are you taking?
26 Thursday Apr 2012
Posted in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me
I just read in a Brazilian site about what this soccer player’s wife said about a husband cheating on his wife.
First the soccer player in question is Kaka, handsome, religious and rich. She is a spoiled rich girl that got lucky in the husband department.
Any way she said and I am going to loosely translate from Portuguese: I would forgive a betrayal because wwhen the man betrays is a sign that the wife failed in some area. She was not giving what was necessary, and I don’t mean only sex. I speak of caring, dialogue, cumplicity. If Kaka betrays me it means I am doing something very wrong.
Her name is Carol Celico and supposedly they were both virgins when they got married. Kudos for them, but not our real world.
I hope she does not go through a betrayal in the future, but I would like her to at least for a second feel what we, betrayed women, feel. We do enough of second guessing on our own. We do question if we gave enough in all areas. We do look back and look for places where we could have been more caring, more attentive, more supportive, less critical, less demanding.
But guess what?
After all this guilt trip, after all this blame game, after all the clue collection and soul searching I realize that a man cheats because:
He was not man enough to voice his opinions, needs and wants.
He wasn’t honest enough to say that he no longer wanted a relationship.
He thought he could get away with it.
The situation/opportunity presented himself.
He is having a mid-life crisis.
He wants to tell himself he still got it.
He is bored.
But I found the real truth. A man (or woman) cheats because they are not happy with themselves. If they were happy with themselves they would choose the honest path, they would communicate. They would perhaps realize the value in their partner and how good they have at home before it is too late.
So, Carol Celico you are famous by virtue of your husband, please use this fame for some worthwhile causes. Do not use your soapbox to make woman feel guilty. Do not add to their pain by making them feel it was their fault. Their egos and self esteem are probably shattered by now, do not make it worst.
I know in my heart that I did my best and more than that in all areas, but sometimes no matter what you, no matter you can turn water into gold, some people will just lie to your face and cheat on your. Their reasons, if they are able to come up with any, are not important. the damaged is already done. And lies and excuses just make it worst.
It would be refreshing to just hear: I lied and cheated and I don’t deserve you, please forgive me!
Now that is what I wanted to hear, but I am sure some of you have heard that time after time, so if you do love yourself first and move on.
***
Do you agree with Carol Celico?
If not why do you think man cheat?
19 Thursday Apr 2012
Posted in EX Files, Finding Me
This morning I was feeling at odds. I didn’t know what to feel. I am close to Ex, we are spending this week together and I am seeing this as a big opportunity to find out how I really feel about living with him.
And I started remembering the things that I think he did, some I am sure and others I am just assuming. In the past thinking of those things would have made me mad, angry, cry, uncertain about the future, but today I did something different.
I let the thoughts flow in and out of my mind. I stepped aside and didn’t try to put any weight to any specific thought. And what happened was amazing. I realized that I don’t need to hold to past feelings and hurt, but I also don’t need to pretend they didn’t exist. I can let them flow in and out without disturbing my core.
And I am forgiving, forgiving it all, what is real and what is imagined. I am forgiving even if I am not being asked for forgiveness. I am forgiving because forgiving makes me lighter, makes me happier. Ex will have to deal with whatever he didn’t or didn’t do.
I read an Oscar Wilde’s quote the other day: “Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future” and I just loved it. To me it says at all. We all makes mistakes and we are all capable of good. The present moment is the defining moment that we make a choice. So who am I to pass judgement on anyone? Who am I to think that I have been caused some emotional harm and need to repaired?
I am but a human, capable of good and bad, and right now at this moment I am choosing to to just love and forgive, with tons of hope for forgetting.
Are you able to forgive and forget?
Blessed with a Star on the Forehead 