Author Archives: A Star on the Forehead

Trying not to lose myself in the process of loving someone

30 Monday Jul 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” – Rumi

G and I are still seeing each other but I am really not sure it is going to work.  It seems that we are both trying to make things work but our lives don’t quite seem to mesh together.   At times it seems we are trying to put a square peg in a round hole.

I have been trying to keep an open mind.  At times I can be critical and picky and I have been trying my hardest not to do that.  I am being successful but at what cost?

I think he is a great guy, and I believe he thinks I am a great girl.  We both believe that together we would make an amazing couple.  Can mutual admiration make for a good relationship?

In reality I think I am the one trying harder to fit in his world.  I feel I am doing more of the compromising.  Perhaps if he is asked that same question he may say he is the one trying harder.  I am not sure I would be completely happy in his world and he would probably not be happy in mine.  The ideal would be to bridge the gap and make a whole new world.  It is proving difficult.  At this point we are both set in our ways and our routines, so trying to merge our lives is very hard.

My Ex comes to mind.  He lived the same distance, one hour from me, he had his life set there, and so I dropped everything and moved in with him. For 3 years his life was my life.  I don’t regret any of that for a single moment but it doesn’t mean I want to repeat the same story again.

I could easily list 5 instances where something he did was not to my liking.  There was nothing terrible, but little details here and there that starts adding up.  Moments where he chose cheapness instead of niceness.

I am practical and don’t waste money.  I much prefer to save than to spend.  He seems to take frugality to a whole different level.  I am not sure I am ready for that.  I am not sure I want that.

He thinks about the environment, about health and about saving money 100% time.  It seems to dictate his life.  While it is admirable, it may not be for me.  He pays attention to the use of electricity, water, to the price of everything. I try to conserve but it doesn’t rule my life.

I appreciate that he is very environmentally conscious not wanting to waste anything and wanting to leave the smallest footprint.  But being that way 100% of the time and with me this early in the relationship seems just petty and cheap.

He is also very much into his art at this moment.  While I admire that passion and drive, I think he is forgetting about me.  He is forgetting that we are beginning this relationship and it requires effort and dedication too.

We live 1 hour away but it seems so much longer than that.   We seem to be dying to see each other, but after we are together for a while it seems we are dying to get back to our own lives.  He expressed something like that when he dropped me off this evening after we spent Friday night and all day Saturday together.  I asked him if he wanted to come in and I would order pizza and he could have dinner with my sister and I.  He said: “I just want to be done with it”.  I said: ouch! I think he realized that he actually spoke out loud and quickly added that he wanted to get back home to have a beer and cigar.  On one hand I understand wanting to relax at the end of the day.  On the other I don’t understand not wanting to spend more time together.  Especially since he did have the entire Sunday to relax.

We spent the whole day Saturday looking for materials for his art.   It was hot and tiring, but I was a trooper, and now he makes it seem it is too much to spend 1 hour just relaxing and eating pizza with my sister and I.

And that is another point.  So far it seems what we do most is spend the time in nature, sea shores and river edges looking for raw materials.  While I love nature and I want to be supportive of his art, I don’t want to do only that every weekend.

I listen intently when he talks about his art and about his interest in real estate investing. I give my opinion. I ask questions.  I am genuinely interested. But when I talk about my writing, or about mosaics, he just listens and doesn’t ask any questions or adds anything to the conversation. It seems I am more interested in his life than he is in mine.

I appreciate that he is not fake, doesn’t play games or tells me sweet little lies, but I would hope that he could somehow muster a little more interest in my life.

He does tell me all the time that he thinks I am wonderful and I am exactly what he has been looking for.  But I am not sure his actions are telling me that.

The affection is there now, and is trying to show me that, so that area is no longer a complaint. There is a lot of chemistry and we love to be in each other’s arms, but that doesn’t seem to be enough.

Even though I really thought he could be the one, I no longer lead with my heart and my body. I am letting my mind assist me in the search for a partner. I think we both realize that no matter how much we want this to work, there is a chance that may not.

I have given 100% and I don’t want to give up just yet…

Ps. This was written Sunday morning.  He texted me as usual Saturday night and Sunday morning but then just went quiet.  I didn’t prod or question the silence.  I could write, I know, but at this point I rather leave the ball in his court and wait.  Perhaps he is doing the same.

It is now 10 am Monday and we haven’t texted each other yet.  This is totally uncharacteristically for us. I am sure he is surprised I haven’t made an attempt to connect or send a little emoji or meme.  I think I am officially done with all the trying. Is this the end?

Stay tuned…

“I want to see you.

Know your voice.

Recognize you when you
first come ’round the corner.

Sense your scent when I come 
into a room you’ve just left.

Know the lift of your heel,
the glide of your foot.

Become familiar with the way 
you purse your lips
then let them part, 
just the slightest bit,
when I lean in to your space
and kiss you.

I want to know the joy 
of how you whisper 
“more” 
― Rumi

Doctor, doctor, please fix me!

25 Wednesday Jul 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me, Food

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My hip in getting increasingly bad, so I decided that August would be the month that I would go see a doctor about it.

HIP DOCTOR: So much for planning for August.  The doctor’s next available appointment is September 19.  I was going crazy researching doctors, so when my doctor friend recommended him I just decided this is it.

I have gone to a hip doctor before but I was not that impressed with him.  It is crazy how time flies. I thought it was only a couple of year ago that I had gone to him but now that I checked it was 2013!!

At that time I had scans and MRI done, and the treatment recommended was physical therapy and cortisone shots.  I was diagnosed with bursitis, arthritis and a tear that was not severe enough to be operated on.

The cortisone shots made the pain worst but eventually the physical therapy worked and I felt like myself again.  After I was done with the therapy I took up tennis lessons again and the pain came back as if had never left.  I gave up tennis and have since then been talking about going back to the doctor.

Five years later I am finally doing something about it.  I feel a bit embarrassed about this procrastination.  I chose to live with pain and discomfort.  I chose to do only limited physical activities rather than address the issue. I no longer take tap and jazz classes.  I don’t weight lift or do zumba. All the things I loved I gave up.  Yeah, it is embarrassing.

Better late than ever.  There is no upside to beating myself up at this point.

“For after all, the best thing one can do when it is raining is let it rain.” – Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

I am also going to see some other medical professionals:

DENTIST: I am going in for a cleaning. I have some work to do but it is major, so I am thinking about doing it in Brazil for a fraction of the price.  I am only unsure I can stay away from work for 2 weeks.  I get cleanings every 3 months as my teeth needs to be closely monitored.

The surgery I had in my gums seems to be doing okay. The inflammation didn’t return and if that is the case it is a success and I will not need another procedure in that area and I will not need to lose one of the implants I have there.  Fingers crossed that this remains the case.

OBGYN: I have big news for my doctor. My period was late for the first time ever. I could set a watch by my period in the past and all of a sudden 40 days go by and nothing.

Menopause seems to be here, for better or worse.  And with it it is bringing a whole host of unwelcome visitors: Tiredness, excessive sugar cravings, mood swings, etc.  My hair feels and looks like brillo pad.  My mood is swinging more than Elvis’s hips. I am obsessed with Instagram pictures of chocolate cakes.  It is really bad!

INTERNIST: I need to schedule it.  I will bring those issues up with him.  In the past at my annual check ups all they said was:  make sure to eat healthy and exercise.

EYE DOCTOR: I go every other year for the past several years. I go to a specialist.  Since my mother has a retina disease I like to keep a close eye (pun intended) on it.   All is normally fine and the prescription just changes a bit.

***

I am feeling extremely exhausted lately.  I used to just jump up in the morning, singing and happy, now it is a struggle to get up.  It feels all my body wants to do is be horizontal.

I have been taking all kinds of supplements that is supposed to help with energy and fatigue but they don’t seem to be that effective.

My eating habits are insane.  One day goes well, the other I fall off the wagon.   One day is gluten free, the other is all about gluten.  Now that I am paying more attention to my eating habits it seems that all I want to do is eat.

My main problem is sugar.  The solution is discipline and willpower. Do you know where I can buy those?

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” – Lao Tzu

***

I will write about G and I on the next post.  We are still seeing each other. I have no interest in seeing anyone else for now.  We are still a bit mismatched but at times I think I am just being picky.

It is weird that I met someone when I am at my worst.

“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” – Marilyn Monroe

 

Still confused, but willing to wait and see

17 Tuesday Jul 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“Drop the idea of becoming someone, because you are already a masterpiece. You cannot be improved. You have only to come to it, to know it, to realize it.” ― Osho

G and I were supposed to go to dinner on Thursday night. After I had accepted his invitation I remembered I now have French classes on Thursdays. Then on the weekend he went to see his mother in another state. So it has been several days since we have seen each other.

This time apart is a good thing for both of us.  It help us reevaluate things.  I may see him tomorrow night for dinner.  If not, then I will definitely see him on Saturday.

In the meantime we have been texting daily, several times a day.  I wanted to talk about certain things in person, but I didn’t want to wait so one day a few days ago I asked all I wanted to ask via text.

By the end of that one day I was so emotionally drained, and I am not sure if we really got anywhere.  At least I got to say and ask all I wanted. I even complained that on Sunday he didn’t wake me up with fresh baked banana bread (something he keeps saying he does). I will just post a very brief summary here as I don’t want to emotionally exhaust everyone else.

“Longed for him. Got him. Shit.” – Margaret Atwood

I explained to him that our Saturday night together left me extremely disappointed and confused.  I felt unloved and unwanted.  I don’t believe I created these expectations out of thin air.  It was based on all he keeps saying and also on how our first 2 dates went.

I didn’t expect or want sex, but I expected and wanted tons of attention, romance and affection. Not to get even a kiss that was a little more than a peck was very confusing.

He said that he wanted to be respectful, and take things slow.  He felt that if we had started kissing on Saturday night it would have been hard to stop and we would probably do something we had agreed not to do.  I disagreed.  We are not kids, we can stop any time we want as we had stopped in the past.  In the end it feels like it is a battle of who is right, and that is so draining and pointless.

We agreed to disagree.  He apologized for the way he made me feel. Which makes me feel even worst now.  Now I feel like a beggar begging for affection.

“Never marry at all, Dorian. Men marry because they are tired, women, because they are curious: both are disappointed.”  – Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

He also mentioned that we hadn’t spoken about being safe, sexually speaking.  I am glad he brought it up as I wanted to at some point when sex was going to be a certainty. It is weird how sex keeps coming up a lot and it is not even happening.  Chances are it will be a very long time before it does, if it does.

Safety first always.  Coming to each other at this late in life it means that we had partners before and were exposed to other people and perhaps diseases.  Every July I get a clean bill of health from my doctor. I expect him to do the same.  I am too old to take unnecessary chances.

He talked too much about giving me pleasure and affection, but he meant down the road.  I want it now. Talking so much about how the future will be amazing sets us both for disappointment.  I mentioned to him I am like a 5 year old.  Don’t tell me you are taking me to Disneyland unless it is happening right now.  I cannot handle waiting for something that may or may not come.

He is also stuck on saying that he believes that it is better to like someone’s mind first, that love and chemistry will come. That is again confusing to me, as in the beginning he gave me the impression that he found me very attractive.  Now it seems he likes my mind and everything else more than my body.

I believe that you have to be attracted to someone physically first.  I believe that loving somebody’s intelligence, sense of humor, etc is never enough. Chemistry is the glue. He said that his longest relationship of 13 years the lady was not even his type at first.  He grew to love her.  That fact does not bring me peace as he expected it would. It seems forced.  It seems he knows I an amazing person and expects to grow to love me.  It is just not how I believe it should go, or it is.

I guess I just want to hear that he finds me beautiful and attractive.  In the end I am just a girl.

“It is not worth the while to let our imperfections disturb us always.”  – Henry David Thoreau

At the end of the day I know he is a great person.  We will continue to see each other and talk about our needs and wants.  I think he will continue to be in my life, perhaps just as a friend or perhaps more.  At this point I have no interest in being online and going on other dates.

Now to another point.  This whole situation also serves to highlight the fact that I am just not happy with my body at the moment.  I seem to be wanting other’s validation.  I want him to tell me I am perfect.  I have a mirror.  I know the truth.  While I do look great for my age, I know I could be better if I applied myself.  Knowing that I am not even trying at this moment is what is the most disheartening about myself.  I keep complaining and I don’t do anything about it.

Well, there is no sense in beating myself up.  I will make more of an effort from now on. I will be watchful to see if my actions are corresponding to how I want to be.

“Because one believes in oneself, one doesn’t try to convince others. Because one is content with oneself, one doesn’t need others’ approval. Because one accepts oneself, the whole world accepts him or her.” – Lao Tzu

 

Where is the affection? Where is the passion?

12 Thursday Jul 2018

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The third date was at my apartment.  He came over to watch the Brazil/Germany game with my sister and I at 2pm last Friday.   It was not a happy day for Brazil.  They played their heart out but it was not enough to win.  Now we wait another 4 years to try again. Actually only 2 years, because I also enjoy the Women’s World Cup and that is in 2020.

He and my sister got along and we all had a good time even though Brazil lost.  He stayed until the evening.

The next day I went to his house.  I got there around 12:30pm.  He gave me a tour of the basement and garage, parts that I had not seen before.  I still didn’t see the garden on the roof. He sent me pictures of it later.

I helped him paint a table and chair to be delivered to a store.  Then we went to Cold Spring, which is a charming historic town on the Hudson River.  It is directly across the river from West Point – The US Military Academy.  It has charming little antique shops.

We were going to stop by a shop that sells his stuff.  He wanted me to meet the owner and friend.  But after delivering the table I realized that if I didn’t eat anything I would become a nightmare.  It hit me all of a sudden that I was hungry.  I become moody and silent.

By the time we were sited and finally our orders were placed I was in such a foul mood I could barely speak.  I was humorless as he attempted to crack jokes.  I really controlled myself as best as I could and for the most part it worked.  He understood and said that from now he will carry snacks at all times.

The food eventually came and I slowly returned to my upbeat, full of life self.  Note to self: Don’t go without eating from 9am to 6pm.  He goes for long periods without eating, I can’t keep up with that.  I am always munching.

After dinner we finally went to his friend’s boutique.  It was a very cool high end and eclectic place with antiques and one of a kind items.  He has some of G’s work there.   We got along amazingly well, cracking jokes and being sarcastic. It was good to be introduced to a friend of his and see how much respect this person has for him.

After visiting the store we decided to walk back to the river as we had seen signs of an open air movie and decided to check it out.  They were showing Hitchcock’s Notorious.  We got popcorn and fizzy drinks and settled down on the grass.  They made an announcement that throughout the movie we would hear fireworks but the movie was not going to stop.

We sat and watched for about 20 minutes and we both couldn’t concentrate.  We decided to walk to he boardwalk area and see the fireworks.  It was a 2 minute walk.  We sat on a rock overlooking the water and a few minutes later the fireworks started.  It was awesome.  I think he didn’t like that I took pictures and videotaped some. In hindsight I shouldn’t have.  Live and learn and try again.

We got back to his home and went to bed.  I think it was about 11pm.  When I say “went to bed” I really mean went to bed.  It was a bit disappointing to me that all he wanted to do was sleep. And it was not like he was really so tired he couldn’t keep his eyes open.  He actually got up and took a shower, later got up again and took Valerian to help him sleep.

The next day after breakfast we went to a park at the beach.  We walked for a long time along the shore then went into an area to collect drift wood.  He does some artwork with drift wood. It is really cool.

At one point we stopped, sat on a rock watching the waves while enjoying some snacks.   I chose that time to bring up the fact that I thought it was weird and awkward that we slept in the same bed and all he did was hug me for a few minutes.  He listened and then eventually just said:  I don’t know what to say.

I said: it is okay. You don’t have to say anything.

Later I was kicking myself for not demanding an answer, as I still don’t know what the deal was.  Maybe he was trying to be respectful, or perhaps he was trying to pay me back because I had been a bitch at dinner or  still perhaps he just not really interested in me.  It is really confusing as there was so much passion the prior Sunday.

I am sure we will talk about it again as I cannot deal with not having answers. And that to me is a huge elephant in the room.  There were some pecks and he held my hand over the weekend but that was it.

By the time we got back to his house it was 4pm and he wanted to make dinner but I wanted to go home.  Sundays I like to be home in the evening and prepare myself psychologically for the week ahead.

Later he said that he was a bit surprised and saddened that I left so sudden, as he wanted to make me dinner and just enjoy each other.

I am bringing up all my questions/issues tonight as we will be going out to dinner.

Strangely enough I am at peace.  I am not worried about this working out or not working out.  I really like him, but I will never be with someone that is not feeling for me as I am feeling for him.  Chemistry is either there or not there.  That is the foundation where we can build a life together.  Without that foundation of chemistry I don’t think we have anything. It just feels forced.

“A bird sitting on a tree is never afraid of the branch breaking, because her trust is not on the branch but on it’s own wings. Always believe in yourself” – Unknown Author

 

Learning keeps you young Mon Ami

10 Tuesday Jul 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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“The more that you read, the more things you will know. The more that you learn, the more places you’ll go.” – Dr. Seuss

I started French lessons a couple of weeks ago.  This is the third time that I attempt to learn French.  This time I am promising myself it will be different.  I will apply myself and I will continue learning on my own after the lessons end.  That is what I keep telling myself, but I am already having trouble doing the homework.  I get distracted.  I leave it for tomorrow.  I let all else come first.

Having lessons once a week is not enough.  I have to do whatever I can on all the other days to keep French in my mind.  Of course doing some homework on those days would help, but homework is not fun.

I have been searching for fun games, music and movies.  I welcome any tips or ideas on things that I can do to help me learn French.

I can comprehend, read and write better than I can speak.  My major problem is the pronunciation.  It doesn’t come easy. It is a bit embarrassing and frustrating.

I found a French series on Netflix that I love.  I wish they had many more seasons, but there are only two.  It is called  Call My Agent.  The original title in French is Dix Pour Cent.

 

I was so excited when I discovered that one of my favorite Spanish singers sings in French. His name is Pablo Alboran.

“Study hard what interests you the most in the most undisciplined, irreverent and original manner possible.”  – Richard Feynman

 

Second date and I am still excited

05 Thursday Jul 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds. And that’s what you’ve given me. That’s what I’d hoped to give you forever” – Nicholas Sparks

I hardly ever have a second date and normally it is just to confirm what I had already known:  that I am not into this person.  But this time it is different.

The second date was last Sunday.  I went to his house.  It is a bit crazy for me to go to someone’s house this early in a relationship but I really wanted to see his home. I love seeing how people live.  It tells me a lot about who they are.  Also, he had told me his house was freaking adorable, so yes I was curious.

I had no doubt I would be safe, so I had no reservations about going there.

His house is indeed adorable. It is small and cozy.  He knew I would like it as I mentioned to him that I like vintage stuff, woods and metals.  His house is filled with all kinds of artifacts, vintage furniture and art pieces he has done.

It was like a log cabin inside and covered in all kinds of nick knacks.  Every item has a story.  G. is by profession a carpenter, but his passion and talent lies in woodcarving and other artwork made out of driftwood.

I specially loved the backyard. It is so fairy-tale like with so many birds, and plants.  One side of the house is totally covered in ivy. I didn’t see the vegetable garden he has on the roof and I didn’t shower in the outdoor shower.  Those are saved for date # 3.

Since I was going to his house and our chemistry is crazy we talked about the subject of sex.   We decided that we would not rush into anything.  We will take it slow and easy.  There was plenty of kissing and snuggling but no sex.

I got there around 9:30am.  It took me 50 minutes to get there.  After a long hug and a peck on the lips he handed me a cup of coffee and proceeded to give me a tour of the house. That probably took a couple of hours.  Not that the house was big, it was that each item, each corner has history and a story.

We sat outside for awhile, talking about the plants and the birds.  Then we went inside and he proceeded to make brunch.  I watched him for awhile and offered to help.  He told me to lay down in his bedroom and just relax.  He said he would call me when it was time to butter the bread.   I did, and after awhile he called to butter the English muffins.

“The Very first moment I beheld him, my heart was irrevocably gone.”  – Jane Austen

The reason he said laid down on the bed versus sit down on the couch is that from the bedroom where the bed was one could see straight into the kitchen where he was.  I imagine that was the reason, because now looking back it seemed odd.  In the moment all was perfect, nothing awkward or weird about anything.

He made sauteed sweet potatoes, sausage, and eggs. I never cared for sweet potatoes.  I could take it or leave it.  But these were the best sweet potatoes I ever had.

It was probably already 3 pm by the time we were eating. After lingering over our empty plates we laid down on a bed he has in this covered back porch.  I am not sure how long we were there.  There was some kissing.  It was awesome, but we didn’t take it any further.  We both fell asleep at some point.  .

Later we sat in the living room and talked about his plans for the future regarding his art and some other projects.  I love people that pursue their passions, so I am glad he is doing that.

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” – Rumi

My sister called me at some point and told me: either you come home before it gets dark or you should stay there and come tomorrow morning.  I said: yes Mom.  I told him what my sister said and he said that I should leave soon.

I was a tad disappointed that he didn’t try to talk me into staying, but I understand his reasons.  While I would have no problem staying over it was too soon for that.  My sister trusts my judgement so she had no worries about me going over and potentially staying over.  For some reason her main concern was my driving in the dark.

We continue to text throughout the day and will see each other this Saturday.  I will probably go over his house again.  I rather go there and have him cook for me than to go to an expensive restaurant.  I am changing.

He is the type that is more at home around a campfire than at the opera, so if there is any area that potentially could there be a disagreement it would be the choice of vacation and entertainment.  I am open to do/try it all and he seems also, so eventually we will both be put through a test and see how our worlds mesh.

For now I am extremely happy to be getting to know him and seeing where this goes. I have made the decision not to look for potential problems.  I am not messaging or dating anyone else at this point.  He is not either.  We both are excited and want to give this a fair chance.

All I know is that I like him a whole lot and I don’t really know how to tone myself down with things I love.

“The very essence of romance is uncertainty.” – Oscar Wilde

 

Not just faces, they do have names

28 Thursday Jun 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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“There is neither happiness nor misery in the world; there is only the comparison of one state with another, nothing more. He who has felt the deepest grief is best able to experience supreme happiness. We must have felt what it is to die, Morrel, that we may appreciate the enjoyments of life.
” Live, then, and be happy, beloved children of my heart, and never forget, that until the day God will deign to reveal the future to man, all human wisdom is contained in these two words, ‘Wait and Hope.” ― Alexandre Dumas

A couple of days ago I was walking through Grand Central and a man on a wheelchair looked familiar.  He reminded me of Milton.  Please see here for a post about Milton– https://atomic-temporary-33385295.wpcomstaging.com/2013/07/16/milton-my-new-friend/

He had his back to me as I passed.  I went by him and then turned around and went back.  It could have been Milton.  I had to make sure.  I approached him and said: Milton?  He said: no.  I asked what was his name and he said: Cedric.

I was a bit sad it was not Milton, but then again I like thinking he is living comfortably in an apartment somewhere in NY City.   I asked Cedric where he lives and he said he sleeps in a shelter. I asked him if he knew Milton.  He said they never crossed paths.

I thought for a second  about the fact that Cedric didn’t say he lives in a shelter.  He said he sleeps in a shelter. A shelter is just a place to sleep at night.  Laura (I am talking about her next) told me that on rainy days she had to go and sit in a diner because she could stay in the shelter.  I cannot imagine not having a place to call home, a place to actually live at.  We that do have a place to call home are so blessed.  Think about that for a second.

Anytime I saw Milton I would stop and talk, and also give him a couple of dollars.  More important than the money I think it was the time and attention. He was always smiling. He had told me that the city of New York was getting him an apartment but it was going to be far, not in Midtown, probably in the Bronx somewhere.  Every month was the same story, NY City is working on the apartment.  It is coming soon.  I held on to that hope along with him.

“Love is not patronizing and charity isn’t about pity, it is about love. Charity and love are the same — with charity you give love, so don’t just give money but reach out your hand instead.” – Mother Teresa

Then after months of not seeing him on the same corner on 40th Street and Madison Avenue, I saw him in Grand Central Station looking worse for wear. He seemed beaten, weathered down, deflated, but still he had a smile for me. We didn’t talk much.  He was not himself.  It saddened me.  I never saw him again.

He comes to mind often. When that happens I say a prayer that he is well.

“There is no exercise better for the heart than reaching down and lifting people up.”  – John Holmes

After Milton I met Laura.  She sat in front of Starbucks.  In the beginning she seemed so out of place.  She was clean, well fed, and slowly I saw her become a shell of herself.  She still had a smile on her face and a plan for the future if only she could get to California.  If she got there she would have a home and she would go to school.  That is easy I thought to myself: I can buy her the ticket.  Then she added that she couldn’t go yet because she had had lost all her documents.  There were people helping her with that.

One day she said that she and others ladies in her same situation had been abused by this one guy and there were new lawyers helping her with that case.  Every week was a story and I became discouraged.  I started to doubt the she would ever leave the streets.  Her stories seemed to be more for my benefit, to show me that there was a plan and it was in motion.

I would tell her a bit about myself and about my sister moving here.  She never forgot the things I had told her.  She would ask about my sister, etc.  And then one day I stopped seeing her.  Same as in with Milton, I hope that not seeing her again is a good thing. I hope that things worked out well for her. She is only 27 or 28 years old.

“You have not lived today until you have done something for someone who can never repay you.” – John Bunyan

Now, there is Matthew.  He sits on the corner of 34th Street and Madison Avenue.  He has become a friend.  He always insists on holding my hand to say thank you.  He greets me with the hugest of smiles.  He said that he was going to be on the corner until June.  His father is getting married and he will go to live at his father’s house.

The other day my co-worker was going out to run some errands at lunchtime.  I asked her to get Matthew some empanadas from the Cuban restaurant.  He gets very excited about them.  When she returned she said he had a different sign.  He didn’t have the usual one asking for help.  He had one thanking everyone that has helped him.  I thought to myself: Awesome, he is saying good bye.  It is June, he will be gone.  I stopped seeing him.  I was so happy he was gone.  I pictured him in a house in the country doing work in the backyard.

Then today there is Matthew back on the corner again. He said that he went and saw his father, all is great, but now he has to work out the logistics. I don’t know what that means.

“We only have what we give.” – Isabel Allende

I talk, I ask questions but not too many.  I don’t want interfere or try to fix their lives.  The problem is a complex one.  Unless I am willing to adopt them and take them into my care, I can’t really meddle.  I can’t fix their lives.  Only they can do that if given the chance.

And that is what I pray for.  I pray that they get a chance, a direction, opportunities and possibilities.   I pray for all the Miltons, all the Lauras, all the Matthews, and all others.  May they find the strength, may they find a way. Homelessness shouldn’t mean hopelessness.

It scares me to think that some people are just a paycheck away from ending up in a corner.

Don’t just learn, experience.
Don’t just read, absorb.
Don’t just change, transform.
Don’t just relate, advocate.
Don’t just promise, prove.
Don’t just criticize, encourage.
Don’t just think, ponder.
Don’t just take, give.
Don’t just see, feel.
Don’t just dream, do.
Don’t just hear, listen.
Don’t just talk, act.
Don’t just tell, show.
Don’t just exist, live.” – Roy T. Bennett

 

Is it better to win or to just play well?

24 Sunday Jun 2018

Posted by in Daily Life

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“Everything I know about morality and the obligations of men, I owe it to football (soccer).” – Albert Camus

I love the World Cup. The fact that it happens only once every 4 years makes it even more special.

It is beautiful to see countries from all over the world, all sorts of history, different cultures and background play with and against each other. I love seeing all the different fans celebrating together as in a big party.

In Brazil soccer is a source of pride.  We have Pele, one of the best players ever. We won the World Cup 5 times.  The most cups ever won by a country.  Coming on our heels are Germany and Italy with 4 each. Italy, shockingly,  is not in the tournament.   Germany, who was in trouble but miraculously scored a goal in the last few second of their second game, are on the way to try to tie us for the number of cups won.

We have the “jogo bonito”. The Jogo bonito means the beautiful game. The phrase was coined to describe Brazil’s style of playing.  A game with beautiful passes and flair. It is samba with a ball and without music.

“Win without boasting. Lose without excuse.” – Albert Payson Terhune

I should say we had, past tense, the jogo bonito has been nowhere in sight for years now.  We, somehow decided to go for another style, more technical.  Jogo bonito is now a thing of the past.  It seems we used to play from the heart, with heart, and now  it is all business,  all egos.  Who scores the most goals, who is the best player

Not only we are not playing a beautiful game anymore, we are, at times, are acting like whiny babies, falling too much, complaining too much. It has been embarrassing at times to watch Brazil play now. I know that Neymar, our top scorer, is heavily marked on the field, but at times I think some of his antics are a little too much.  He loses his temper and becomes like a spoiled child. Sometimes I want to shake him and say: Man up!

“I have no sense of humor about losing” – Rafael Nadal

We have played 2 games so far and we were well below expectations and all the hype going into the tournament. We tied the first game and won the second.  Game 2 was better than game 1, but still nothing impressive.  I hope we continue growing and I hope that we can find that beautiful game again and show the world that we are indeed the team to beat, fair and square.

But more than prove anything to the world, Brazilian players need to prove to themselves, and to give us Brazilians a reason to be proud of our soccer again.

In game and in life what is better, to have a beautifully played game or to just get a win?  You may play beautifully but not live to see another day, so there it that mentally of doing what you need to do to just survive, to just win the game.

“Winning isn’t everything–but wanting to win is.” – Vince Lombardi Jr.

In a perfect world the best team would win.  But life is not always fair. Who is to say who really is the best team?  Life is always a lesson, and in the end I believe all evens out. Everyone wins some, loses some and learns something.

May the best team win, the one with more heart, the one with more passion, the one that wants the most.

“Many people say I’m the best women’s soccer player in the world. I don’t think so. And because of that, someday I just might be.” – Mia Hamm

And we hugged…

21 Thursday Jun 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“The seeker embarks on a journey to find what he wants and discovers, along the way, what he needs.” – Wally Lamb

I am sure some of you are curious to know what happened last night.

Yesterday’s date was very different from most of my previous blind dates.  I decided that we should meet at the Library and I would give him a tour of downtown New Rochelle and then just go to some bar.

I got to the park and didn’t immediately see him so I texted (he had emailed me his number a couple of hours before) as I searched for a face that would resemble the pictures I had seen.  Eventually I just called him and told him where I was.

All of a sudden I saw him appear far away.  I was nervous, excited, all at once.  He reached me and we both had huge smiles.  Probably relief that we both looked like our pictures.  I can’t remember if we said anything, perhaps just hi and we hugged each other. It was not a quick hug.  It was a hug like when you hug a loved one that you haven’t seen in ages. We stood like for awhile.

“Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit” -e.e. cummings

Then we sat on a bench and made small talk.  He mentioned needing to pay for parking.  I am not sure why he hadn’t paid before.  We walked to the car and since I have the Parking App on my phone I said I would pay.

After paying he just pulled me to him and there was more hugging.  He said he was a hugger – no complaints from me.  Eventually we held hands and went in search of a place to have a drink.  The first place we passed by we didn’t like, then we came by a bar that I was always curious about it.

We got in and it was totally empty. It was darkly lit, cute, small, with some couches and some tall tables.  We sat at the bar.  An older woman appeared and greeted us.  She was pleasant, had blonde hair and bright make up on.  He wanted draft beer and they didn’t carry any. She suggested a drink that she makes called Rumba Juice. Mine was lemon flavored, his was pineapple.  The drink was tasty and refreshing.

We sat facing each other, taking turns talking about our lives and flirting non-stop.  We didn’t’ talk too much. I can’t quite remember all we talked about it.  We talked about his prior relationships and the last one that ended not too long ago.

I didn’t talk as much as I normally do.  Silence with him was okay.  It didn’t feel awkward, it felt natural. I didn’t feel the need, the compulsion, to pepper silence with words.

“Love is the voice under all silences, the hope which has no opposite in fear; the strength so strong mere force is feebleness: the truth more first than sun, more last than star…”  – E.E Cummings

It sounds really corny and cheesy but we were so into each other it was just crazy. There were pauses in the conversation where we just stared into each other eyes.  I don’t think there was a single second where we weren’t either holding hands or touching each other’s arms, knees or something like that.

There was more hugs throughout.  At one point he gave me a peck on the lips, and joked:  This is it, that is the whole extend of my kissing abilities.  I had told him that knowing how to kiss was a deal breaker for me.  I laughed.  I appreciate his humor.

Later on there was another kiss, a little more than a peck but nothing that would make anyone brush. It was good! Score!

I don’t remember all that was said but I remember exactly how he made me feel. I felt wanted, appreciated, understood, safe and most important, any time he hugged me, I felt I was home.  I felt that in his arms was where I belonged.

We liked each other and that was that and it was that simple.

The woman returned a couple of times and on an occasion she asked to take our picture.  I wish I had asked her to forward me that.  We looked good as a couple.  She is the owner and she has a couple of screens where she displays the photos of her customers.  She has been in business 17 year.  The Salon has her name, Silky.

I told her it was our first date and she was a bit surprised, mentioning that our body language told otherwise.  She asked our signs. I am an Aries and he is Gemini.  She warned him that Aries likes perfection, so that he better be ready to bring his best to the table.  She also said that Aries are never broke, even if they say they are they are lying.  All true.  She said that Gemini can fulfill Aries demands.  She said more but I can’t remember.  I will take her words as a seal of approval.

“You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.” – Dr. Seuss

After the drink,  and by then it was already after 10:30 and he had to drive 1 hour to get home, we left hand in hand.

We walked around a little bit and then we stopped by the back entrance of my building.  We stayed there for awhile just hugging. And kissing. A lot.  And it was amazing!

He texted me when he got home after getting lost for while. We were both giddy. We still are.

Today he is driving to another state to see his mother and then on to do a job.  We will see each other in 11 or 12 days.  The texting  and emailing will keep us connected.

I am choosing to ignore what a lot people may see as red flags.  It feels right, it makes me feel good.  I waited for it, I kissed frogs, I deserve it.  I am choosing to dwell in this sea of possibilities.

“…and when one of them meets the other half, the actual half of himself, whether he be a lover of youth or a lover of another sort, the pair are lost in an amazement of love and friendship and intimacy and one will not be out of the other’s sight, as I may say, even for a moment…” – Plato

Wherefore art thou Soulmate?

20 Wednesday Jun 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“The minute I heard my first love story I started looking for you, not knowing how blind I was. Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere. They’re in each other all along.”— Rumi

As I mentioned on my previous post I did meet M. for dinner on Saturday night. We went to an Italian restaurant after the original wine bar we were going to was closed due to a private party.  We had a couple of different types of pizza, but what I really enjoyed was the St. Germain, Vodka and lime cocktail I had. So refreshing!

M. was such a sweet man.  He was pleasant, grateful, fun.  There was no lack of conversation and I could tell he really liked me.  He gave me a quick peck on my lips when he said good night.

He wants to go on a second date.  I am still deciding.  My hesitation has to do with G, the other guy that I am exchanging emails with and I have yet to meet. I don’t want to give M. the false illusion that there is a future if my heart is already elsewhere.

G. seems likes the perfect guy for me. Someone that I could spend hours talking to, that would make me laugh and also rock my world between the sheets. He keeps surprising me with his intelligence, maturity and sense of humor. Of course I haven’t met him in person yet and everyone can look good on paper.

“You do not need to know precisely what is happening, or exactly where it is all going. What you need is to recognize the possibilities and challenges offered by the present moment, and to embrace them with courage, faith and hope.” – Thomas Merton

We even haven’t exchanged phone numbers yet.  Which is awesome as I normally don’t like giving out my number before meeting. He thinks that if we did we would not do anything else just text the whole day. He is right. We both just want to meet asap.

I have been here before: where I thought a guy was so amazing and then all of a sudden he shows his true colors.  There is a mix of feelings going on.  At least if we never meet I can still go on dreaming and basking myself on the sea of possibilities.

BREAKING NEWS:  I am meeting G. tonight! It was a sudden decision because if we don’t meet tonight we have to wait another 12 days to meet as he is going away tomorrow morning.

I am rarely nervous before meeting anyone, but I am really nervous about meeting him. So much build up.  I am trying to talk myself into just relaxing and seeing what happens.  No expectations!  oh who am I kidding? All I have are expectations.

At least I am hoping to just not overthink this. I will not predict doom yet.  I promise to go in with an open mind.

I know my soulmate is out there and one day we will find each other.  Why not him and why not now?

“We recognize a soulmate by the supreme level of comfort and security we feel with that person. That doesn’t mean that there aren’t issues that remain to be ironed out. Rather, it means we know intuitively that we can resolve issues with our soul mate without losing his or her love and respect.” –  Linda Brady