begging for affection, begging for attention, expectations and disappointments, fresh baked banana bread, miscommunications and misunderstandings, safe sex is no sex, taking things too slow, unhappy with my body
“Drop the idea of becoming someone, because you are already a masterpiece. You cannot be improved. You have only to come to it, to know it, to realize it.” ― Osho
G and I were supposed to go to dinner on Thursday night. After I had accepted his invitation I remembered I now have French classes on Thursdays. Then on the weekend he went to see his mother in another state. So it has been several days since we have seen each other.
This time apart is a good thing for both of us. It help us reevaluate things. I may see him tomorrow night for dinner. If not, then I will definitely see him on Saturday.
In the meantime we have been texting daily, several times a day. I wanted to talk about certain things in person, but I didn’t want to wait so one day a few days ago I asked all I wanted to ask via text.
By the end of that one day I was so emotionally drained, and I am not sure if we really got anywhere. At least I got to say and ask all I wanted. I even complained that on Sunday he didn’t wake me up with fresh baked banana bread (something he keeps saying he does). I will just post a very brief summary here as I don’t want to emotionally exhaust everyone else.
“Longed for him. Got him. Shit.” – Margaret Atwood
I explained to him that our Saturday night together left me extremely disappointed and confused. I felt unloved and unwanted. I don’t believe I created these expectations out of thin air. It was based on all he keeps saying and also on how our first 2 dates went.
I didn’t expect or want sex, but I expected and wanted tons of attention, romance and affection. Not to get even a kiss that was a little more than a peck was very confusing.
He said that he wanted to be respectful, and take things slow. He felt that if we had started kissing on Saturday night it would have been hard to stop and we would probably do something we had agreed not to do. I disagreed. We are not kids, we can stop any time we want as we had stopped in the past. In the end it feels like it is a battle of who is right, and that is so draining and pointless.
We agreed to disagree. He apologized for the way he made me feel. Which makes me feel even worst now. Now I feel like a beggar begging for affection.
“Never marry at all, Dorian. Men marry because they are tired, women, because they are curious: both are disappointed.” – Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray
He also mentioned that we hadn’t spoken about being safe, sexually speaking. I am glad he brought it up as I wanted to at some point when sex was going to be a certainty. It is weird how sex keeps coming up a lot and it is not even happening. Chances are it will be a very long time before it does, if it does.
Safety first always. Coming to each other at this late in life it means that we had partners before and were exposed to other people and perhaps diseases. Every July I get a clean bill of health from my doctor. I expect him to do the same. I am too old to take unnecessary chances.
He talked too much about giving me pleasure and affection, but he meant down the road. I want it now. Talking so much about how the future will be amazing sets us both for disappointment. I mentioned to him I am like a 5 year old. Don’t tell me you are taking me to Disneyland unless it is happening right now. I cannot handle waiting for something that may or may not come.
He is also stuck on saying that he believes that it is better to like someone’s mind first, that love and chemistry will come. That is again confusing to me, as in the beginning he gave me the impression that he found me very attractive. Now it seems he likes my mind and everything else more than my body.
I believe that you have to be attracted to someone physically first. I believe that loving somebody’s intelligence, sense of humor, etc is never enough. Chemistry is the glue. He said that his longest relationship of 13 years the lady was not even his type at first. He grew to love her. That fact does not bring me peace as he expected it would. It seems forced. It seems he knows I an amazing person and expects to grow to love me. It is just not how I believe it should go, or it is.
I guess I just want to hear that he finds me beautiful and attractive. In the end I am just a girl.
“It is not worth the while to let our imperfections disturb us always.” – Henry David Thoreau
At the end of the day I know he is a great person. We will continue to see each other and talk about our needs and wants. I think he will continue to be in my life, perhaps just as a friend or perhaps more. At this point I have no interest in being online and going on other dates.
Now to another point. This whole situation also serves to highlight the fact that I am just not happy with my body at the moment. I seem to be wanting other’s validation. I want him to tell me I am perfect. I have a mirror. I know the truth. While I do look great for my age, I know I could be better if I applied myself. Knowing that I am not even trying at this moment is what is the most disheartening about myself. I keep complaining and I don’t do anything about it.
Well, there is no sense in beating myself up. I will make more of an effort from now on. I will be watchful to see if my actions are corresponding to how I want to be.
“Because one believes in oneself, one doesn’t try to convince others. Because one is content with oneself, one doesn’t need others’ approval. Because one accepts oneself, the whole world accepts him or her.” – Lao Tzu