Monthly Archives: August 2018

Life is here and now!

29 Wednesday Aug 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Finding Me

≈ 35 Comments

Tags

, , , , ,

“Happiness is not the absence of problems, it’s the ability to deal with them.” – Steve Maraboli

There are calls to return, tenants to pacify, appointments to get to, passports to renew, tickets to buy, trips to organize, emails to write, deadlines to meet at work, and a whole host of other things to do, with new items added daily.

There is always a decision to be made  and some place I need to be.  There is always something needing my attention and a fire to put out.

With each item off of my list I feel this enormous sense of accomplishment… only to add another 2 items to it.

I think to myself:  When I am done with this and that thing then I will get to relax. When I solve this and that problem I will get to have fun and enjoy my life.

The stories I tell myself always start with “When”:

When I lose weight…

When I find the One…

When my hip gets healed…

When I get that big bonus at work…

When I learn to speak French…

What foolishness! What a bunch of lies.

I forget 1 thing:  All of this doing, going to doctors, waiting in line, returning phone calls, searching for the One, working, trying to lose weight, failing at losing weight, etc, etc… All of this busyness is LIFE!

Life is happening now, and it is beautiful.  Ralph Waldo Emerson was absolutely right when he said: “Life is a journey, not a destination”

In trying so hard to get somewhere, some invisible destination, some goal, perhaps unattainable, I lose the beauty of the moment, I lose the present.  I miss the details, I miss the simplicity.

I forget to be here Now because I am too busy being there in the Future.  I get lost in the busyness of the moment, not realizing that that very moment is a blessing.

There will always be something to do, some hurdle to jump, some obstacle to overcome.  After one deadline is met there is always another one to meet. That is how life works.

How boring it would be if there were nothing to do and if there were no challenges.  I think there is some old saying that goes something like this: “calm waters don’t make great sailors”.  I think we all strive to be great sailors in this huge ocean called life.

So here is to being more present and enjoying every moment, even if difficult.  I will remind myself that the more life throws at me the better I become.  I am on the way to invincibility.

“Life doesn’t get easier or more forgiving, we get stronger and more resilient.” – Steve Maraboli

 

Advertisement

It is just a train.

23 Thursday Aug 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Finding Me

≈ 10 Comments

Tags

, , , , , ,

“Here we are, trapped in the amber of the moment. There is no why.” -Kurt Vonnegut

Yesterday I missed the train by seconds.

It is a weird feeling.  To watch it close its doors while you are steps away.  You watch it leave and leave you behind.

You feel unwanted.  You feel neglected.  You feel forgotten. You feel silly and foolish.  You feel as if you did something wrong.

What is the message here?

Do I need to get up earlier?  Do I need to walk faster?  I had gotten up at the same time I normally do and walked at the same speed I normally do. Did the train leave early?

This morning I got up earlier.  I walked faster.  I got to the train station earlier.  I waited and waited.

The train was 10 minutes late! 🙂

What is the message here?

Maybe there is no message.  It is just a train behaving like a train.

Life is such a joker!

Tomorrow… tomorrow we don’t know yet.

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.” – Leo Tolstoy

Getting back on the horse

16 Thursday Aug 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 8 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , ,

“Life appears to me too short to be spent in nursing animosity or registering wrongs.”  – Charlotte Bronte

Since the upsetting email that G sent me I thought I would never speak to him again. Then he started texting me and I didn’t have it in me to ignore him.  I replied.

We started texting every single day as we had done before.  We didn’t work out as a couple but I still think he is a good person and worth of being friends with.

I had stayed away from online dating when I thought he and I could have a future together.  Now I am back at it again.  Some may think that I didn’t really care for him if I am been able to flip from girlfriend to just friend so quickly.

I did care.  I cared a lot.  I thought he was the One.  I had already envisioned a future together.  And then it all fell apart, for no apparent reason. I have 2 choices:  stay stuck there, on the mourning of a relationship or move on.

I am moving on.  I am not being cold.  I am being a realist.  I am saving myself time and energy.  If something doesn’t work, then it doesn’t work, move on.  There is no sense in spending time thinking about it, trying to reflect on what went wrong or why, or even dreaming about it working again.

I embraced thinking he was the One, now I am embracing him as a friend.

“Embrace who you are and your divine purpose. Identify the barriers in your life, and develop discipline, courage and the strength to permanently move beyond them, and keep moving forward.” – Germany Kent

I am back on Match and POF.  My first date since starting again was last night.

I went out with B, he is in Finance and works for a museum in New York City.

He chose an expensive Scandinavian restaurant called Agern located inside Grand Central Station.  I commute every day out of GCS and had never noticed it before. It is hidden in plain sight.

After taking a look at the menu and prices online I told him that perhaps he should choose a place more reasonable. He said that he heard good things about this restaurant and he was glad to take me there.

The ambiance was great, it was quiet and not too bright.  The service was amazing.  The food was good but nothing that I would be looking forward to eating again.  I guess fancy Scandinavian food is not for me.

We shared 2 appetizers, 3 entrees and 1 dessert. We had only one cocktail each and the bill was $250 with tip – I sneaked a peek as he was signing the credit card receipt.

B was such a great person. He was interested and interesting.  The conversation flowed.  Three hours went by and we didn’t even have a chance to talk about his favorite subject: music.

I didn’t get an initial romantic vibe from the date, but I think that a second date may be necessary to make sure.

He texted saying that he had a lovely time and would like to see me again. I said it would be great.

to be continued…

“If I cease searching, then, woe is me, I am lost. That is how I look at it – keep going, keep going come what may.” – Vincent van Gogh

Vitamins, supplements and positive thinking

08 Wednesday Aug 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me, Food

≈ 20 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , , ,

Vitamins

“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.” – Charles M. Schulz

A friend and reader asked me what natural health products I was taking. I decided to reply to her in this post.

I started taking supplements and vitamins regularly when I was having gum and dental issues December last year. While talking to a friend that is a Naturopath he suggested I take products to improve my gums.  The products were meant to speed healing, lessen the inflammation, promote gum growth, improve my immune system and making sure that my digestive system is in tip top shape.

Gums are not supposed to grow or regenerated, but I believe in the impossible and so does my doctor friend.  If the body has the ability to heal and regenerate why not my gums?

And it is with that faith that at then end of December last year I started taking the following:

Ester-C & Flavonoids – from Pure Encapsulations

Calcarea Fluorica Cell Salt – from Hyland’s

Growth-Gen – from Phyto-Gen – Genestra-Seroyal

Ginkgo Bud – from Phyto-Gen – Genestra-Seroyal

HMF Intensive Probiotic – Genestra-Seroyal

Energy  Boost 70  Fulvic Concentrate – from Morningstar Minerals

Grapenol – Antioxidant Support – from Genestra-Seroyal

Unda Numbered Compounds – Therapeutic Drops Numbers 8, 33, 312

Zinc 30 – from Pure Encapsulations

In March I had a dizzy spell and I was tested for Adrenal Fatigue.  My friend thought that stress and menopause were the culprit.  The saliva test revealed among other things that I was gluten intolerant.  At that time my friend made the following changes to what I was taking:

Added Adaptocrine K-2 from Apex Energetics

Unda Numbers 3, 17 and 50 instead of 8,33,and 312

TonicGen instead of Growth-Gen

He also wanted me on a gluten free diet and an anti-inflammation diet.  He believed that going gluten free would lessen or completely get rid of the chronic hives I have and would also make me feel better all around.  He believed my body was revolting against me.

Now in August I still take all the above with exception of the Unda Numbers. I just never got more when it was finished.

I have also started taking the following:

Liqua-D (Vitamin D) – from Apex Energetics

B Complex – from Pure Encapsulations

Collagen Peptides – from Sports Research

Glucosamina Condroitina with MSM – from Doctor’s Best

BioSil – from Natural Factors

Now you may ask: Does it work?  Have you seen results?

I don’t know for sure.  This is what I know.

My gums:  I went to the periodontist yesterday for a check-up and he said my gums are beautiful.  The inflammation has not returned, but it doesn’t mean it will not, so I continue to be vigilant and take extra care cleaning my teeth.

The chronic hives:  Magically it has gotten a lot better.  I say magically because I have been extremely lax about paying attention to what I eat.

My hips:  The pain is getting worse to the point that I finally scheduled a doctor.  I did notice that the Glucosamina and Collagen helps some.

Energy level:  That comes and goes, some days I don’t want to get up.  Perhaps I am just being lazy.

For the most part I have been faithful to taking the supplements.

I was being faithful to the collagen until I read that I have to take them on an empty stomach, either first thing in the morning or before bed, since then I forget it most of the time.  It is a powder to mix in liquid and for some reason I never remember.

For some reason I also don’t always remember about the Mineral concentrate. Those are drops to be added to any liquid.

As far as the gluten free diet I attempt gluten free for a few days but it didn’t last.  As far as the inflammation diet I didn’t really follow it, but then again a lot of the items on that list I already don’t eat.

One thing I need to do is to keep a food journal.  It helped me keep accountable in the past so I need to do it again.  It will also help me see what foods trigger my symptoms.

Overall I am happy I am taking all of these as it makes me feel pro-active. But Vitamins and supplements are not enough.

I also know that I need to address what I eat.  Health and overall well being starts in the kitchen with the items I choose to eat.  The time of eating whatever I want whenever I want seems to be nearing the end.  I am still choosing moderation, but some foods just seem to be my enemies even in moderation.

I hope that once I get my hip in order I can add more exercise to my life, other than the 30 or 60 minutes walk on the elliptical.

I also need to address the other components of a happy being: Mind and Soul.  Those also need nutrients and stimulation.

Baby steps at 52 years old – better late than never!!

One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well.” – Virginia Wolf

This was extremely annoying and unnecessary. He missed a great chance to be quiet.

03 Friday Aug 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 34 Comments

Tags

, , , , , ,

” Sometimes your knight in shining armor turns out to be an idiot wrapped in tin foil.” – unknown

I just got this very short email from G.  This is it in its entirety:

I’m still a little shell shocked from my last relationship. You did a few things probably innocently last weekend that rocked me which is why I was off.

You were probably kidding but it still it rocked me. I think the world of you lady.

What?  What is the point of this email?

Some things I did?

I know that if I am guilty of anything in this relationship was of being too nice and trying too hard.

In this relationship all I did was give and go out of my way for somebody.  Some times I make a guy jump through hoops, except this time.

Is this his way of offering an explanation to his behavior?  We are past this.  I don’t care for answers or explanations anymore.  I did all the trying.  I am done.

Does he want me to ask what was that I did that triggered something in him?   Is this email supposed to make me curious?  Should I say sorry for something I have no clue?

“If you’re not comfortable enough with yourself or with your own truth when entering a relationship, then you’re not ready for that relationship.” -Steve Maraboli

I tried to talk about this previous relationship of his but he didn’t want to get too much into it.  I respected that.  He said they were together in the past, then recently tried again but still the issues were all there as before and he broke up for good.

I asked if there was any chance of getting back together and he said: never.  He made sure to say, more than once, that I was the total opposite of her.

I am hoping for his sake that he had no expectations when he sent this email as he is getting no replies of any sort.

I will not ask what I did (or he thinks I did) because I do not care.  I am not even curious.  Whatever way he felt or is feeling is on him not me.

It is not what I did, it is how received and reacted (or didn’t react) to it.

“I’m not crying because of you; you’re not worth it. I’m crying because my delusion of who you were was shattered by the truth of who you are.” – Steve Maraboli

He had plenty of chances and freedom to tell me anything he wanted.  He was free to say what bothered him at the time that it happened.  I made sure that we made communication a priority in this relationship.

I told him that I joke a lot and I can be sarcastic so he had to speak up if he ever didn’t like anything I did or said.  He had said my honesty was refreshing.  Why hold it in, be a jerk and now send such an email?

I didn’t reply and will not reply to such emails.  Either tell me what you think I did that hurt, offended, “rocked” you or just be quiet.

Sorry for venting, but this email was really aggravating and offending to me.  To me, we were done and moved on to being friends that texted every now and then.  I was happy with that. No need for explanations that will not change anything, and to perhaps just make me feel that I am guilty of something.

“I will not try to convince you to love me, to respect me, to commit to me. I deserve better than that; I AM BETTER THAN THAT…Goodbye.” – Steve Maraboli

 

 

Are we friends? (if it’s meant to be, it’ll be)

02 Thursday Aug 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

≈ 24 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , ,

“In love, no one can harm anyone else; we are each responsible for our own feelings and cannot blame someone else for what we feel.” – Paulo Coelho

I know I may seem dramatic over this breakup since we had been together just a very short time, but it was not only the time, it was the depth of it.  It was the potential and hope in it. So please bear with me as I am still mourning it and saying good bye.

Because I can’t accept when things feel unfinished.

Because I needed a period in the end and this just feels like a semi-colon.

Because I need to feel that no matter what happened we are not enemies.

I wrote, not to get a response, but just to get that heaviness out of my chest.  I wrote to feel empty of things left unsaid.

I didn’t care if he would write back or not, but I hope to one day be able to be friends.

Because of all of that I sent G an email.

This is verbatim the email I sent, just omitting our names:

A little bit of time has now passed that I can speak/write without being emotional and probably irrational. 

I am not sure exactly what happened.  I keep going over and over every detail in my mind.

What could we have done differently? 

I realize there is not one clear answer.

 

When you were dropping me off and said you just wanted “to get done with it” and go home, that said it all…

Still I was hopeful that it was not as I had heard.

Then the extremely loud silence the rest of Sunday.

Then the short text.  

An addiction? What to say to that?

There it was: the end!

 

It started so full of hope.

I thought to myself: This is it! 

I told people: I found him!  

 

 I still think the world of you and I think you think highly of me too.

Unfortunately mutual admiration was not enough to make WE work.

 Sad is an understatement. But this is not a failure.  

We wanted it to work. We tried. I know I did. 

 

It is my hope that we are able to remain in each other’s life and build a friendship.

Blessings and light to you!”

 

I wrote that at night on Tuesday night. The next morning, yesterday, he send me the following reply:

I don’t think I meant “to get done with it” in the same way you took it. I use that term to mean just I’m done with the day – just waiting till I go to bed. Sunday was unfortunate because as I said – spent the day dirty helping JP with his bus. Phone away. But yes- something was wrong. 

The addiction comment – because neither of us were contacting the other – knew you were felling it as well so I figured some sort of contact would be like a quick fix for both of us.

I started full of hope as well

I felt you were custom made for me.

I feel VERY highly of you for sure – everything I’ve said still stands. I think you’re an incredible and rare woman.

Somethings piled up on me that weekend and they got the better of me

That’s all I can say.

You’re still on my mind pretty much all day – I think I just might need some time.

(right now on the radio – Florida Georgia Line’s – ” if it’s meant to be -it’ll be” )  

 

I didn’t reply as I think it requires none.  We both said our piece.   I am not sure I know what “I think I just might need some time” means exactly.  Does he need time to become friends? If so, he can take all the time in the world.

I said what I wanted to say and I feel light.  His response makes no difference.

****

And then as I was about to publish that yesterday, he sents me a text with some funny comment.  I replied and said:

“I thought you needed time.  A whole 5 hours?”

He laughed. We exchanged another couple of pleasant texts and that was it.

Perhaps we can be friends after all.  It feels good to end on a good note.

 

and here is the song he mentioned: