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Blessed with a Star on the Forehead

Monthly Archives: September 2013

Stupid, pathetic, emotional, crazy and just plain lovable me still dealing with Ex issues!

30 Monday Sep 2013

Posted by A Star on the Forehead in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files

≈ 31 Comments

Tags

breakup, Dating, ex, forgive and forget, letting go of the past, moving on, relationship, vacation

“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.” 
― Steve Maraboli,

I have been promising an update on Ex for awhile now, so it is about time I step up and do it.  It is not really an update about Ex, but about my feelings about Ex.  He, I am sure continues to do well, not ever having any issues with this break up. He was always fine, he got rid of me the same way he changes a shirt.  Without a second thought, without blinking an eye.

I am not sure if I should envy or feel sorry for people that are able to get rid of people that easy. He was able to erase 3 years like it never happened. Why am I making someone in my life so important when clearly I meant nothing?

I didn’t really want to write this update because I know I am going to look foolish. First, why after 2 years I am still struggling with feelings regarding Ex? I am better and smarter than that! Second, why did I contact him? Yep, I had never contacted him in the last 2 years, I have replied every now and then when he contacts me, but I never reached out first.  So, why now? The answer is stupidity, plain stupidity!

For a moment I thought about not writing anything about it.  But the reason why I started this blog in the first place was Ex, so if I am to leave my true feelings about this situation out of this blog I may as well stop writing it. If it is not the whole truth, what is then the point?

I go through patches of feeling high on life and not thinking about Ex at all, to phases of thinking of him every night when my head hits the pillow.

Through the summer we exchanged emails and texts regarding tickets to the US Open.  I felt good about the exchanges. I bought tickets, sent him the check and he sent me the tickets. We never met or talked on the phone.  I was happy that he never proposed meeting in person to exchange tickets/cash.  I felt this was a step towards in the right direction.  I thought to myself: perhaps one day we can be friends.

“Make a pact with yourself today to not be defined by your past. Sometimes the greatest thing to come out of all your hard work isn’t what you get for it, but what you become for it. Shake things up today! Be You…Be Free…Share.” 
― Steve Maraboli

So on the opening night at the US Open I saw him walk in and take his seat.  Even thought my seat was across the stadium I knew exactly where his seats were and my eyes couldn’t help going there every few seconds until the moment I saw him walking in with the girlfriend.

I had a friend with me and I pointed him out to her and said: I am going to text him and tell him I see him. She said do it, and I did.  All I texted was : “I see you”

He didn’t reply anything until later on when he wrote: “I wish I had seen you”.  By then I had already realized what a big mistake I had done, actually 2 seconds after sending it I wished I could have taken it back.

I didn’t reply.

The next morning he sent another text saying sorry for not having offered me a ride home and saying he hoped I had stayed dry (it had rained the night before).

Again I should have remained silent but I couldn’t help it and wrote: “I don’t think your girlfriend would be too happy sitting in the back and I am not a backseat kind of girl!”

He replied:” She knows of my love for you and would have” My thoughts when I read this was of how delusional he can be thinking that any girl would agree with  that scenario.

I just laughed it off.  I didn’t reply anything anymore.  I should not have started anything to begin with.

And life went on as usual until September 19 when he wrote:”I am sorry for the troubles between our 2 countries. I want you to know that I love you and I hope all is well”

“Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.” 
― Steve Maraboli

For some reason that text hit a chord.  I have received texts and emails from email from him before where he will say I love you, but this one hit a nerve.  It made me feel all kids of feelings. I was sad and angry.  I have to be completely honest here and say that I still liked getting texts from him, I still like hearing that he loves me.  But, what is the point?  Does he even know what love is? If he ever loved me he wouldn’t have treated me the way he did. Why do I need still this fake closeness? But I decided not to react and let it go. Feeling that my silence was the best reply.

This text came as I was going to Boston for the wedding. I thought to myself: perfect, now I will be an emotional basket case at this wedding.  Funny enough I was not.  I was happy my friend was getting married and at no point I wanted to be the one walking down the aisle. I was shocked at my being completely unemotional about it.  There were no thoughts of Ex, of what could have been, nothing!

But for some reason after returning home, all I have been doing is think of him and miss him all over again.  Re-reading that text made me angrier and angrier at him, at myself, at the world.  How dare him stir those feelings up? Why do I still miss him when I know he is not good for me?  It seems he has some kind of radar.  As I am not even remembering he exits there comes a text from him and revives everything inside me.

“Cry. Forgive. Learn. Move on. Let your tears water the seeds of your future happiness.” 
― Steve Maraboli

So the past few days I have been struggling and having the craziest of thoughts. Ready to hear it?  No, you are not ready, but I am going to tell you anyway.  I came very close to asking him if he wanted to go skiing together. Yes, how stir crazy is that?  I should be committed for letting such a thought enter my mind.  Thank God, there was a little voice inside of me with some common sense.

So a few days ago I texted him and asked him not to contact me ever again. Here is what I said: “Stop hurting me by mentioning the word love.  You don’t know the meaning of the word.  You don’t have any idea of my pain. I have accepted the reality long ago but that doesn’t lessen the pain.  Help me by forgetting I exist.  It should be easy for you. Do not contact me! I wish you happiness and success.”

I cringe when I read it now. I sound childish and stupid.  It is more like a love declaration then anything else.  But at the end of the day, it is honest and it was what I was feeling at the moment.  Impulsive Aries triumphs again. oh well…

Some people ask me, what does he want.  I think he wants to be my friend.  In his mind we are friends.  He wants his actions to be okay. He thinks he did nothing wrong and if I am his friend then that is a validation that he didn’t do anything wrong.

After my text he didn’t contact me again, as I knew he wouldn’t. So now on again to the process of recovery.  I am also motivated to make new memories.  I realize that some of my favorite memories are with him, so thinking of good things in my past involves thinking of him.  It is time for me to make new memories.   I am in a way looking to rewrite the past.

So the first new memory to be recreated will be Whistler, BC.  Skiing anyone?

The bottom line is: Two years have passed and I am back at the beginning! Sad realization! No conclusion, no great insight, just the need to take one step at a time and be good to myself.

“Renew, release, let go. Yesterday’s gone. There’s nothing you can do to bring it back. You can’t “should’ve” done something. You can only DO something. Renew yourself. Release that attachment. Today is a new day!” 
― Steve Maraboli

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Update – what I have been up to lately

24 Tuesday Sep 2013

Posted by A Star on the Forehead in Daily Life

≈ 11 Comments

Tags

Brazil, Dating, e-harmony, father, Life, love, mosaic, passport, wedding, work

Update http://blessedwithastarontheforehead.com/2013/08/21/being-a-bridesmaid-is-for-the-birds/

So the wedding has come and gone, and honestly I am so happy it is gone.  No more worrying about the dress.  I finally settled on a sleeveless Ralph Lauren Lace gown with a slit on the side.  The only guidelines were: it had to be long and champagne.  The other bridesmaids had gowns that were shinier than mine.  One of the girls looked like she was going to attend a Quincenera party.  I think that deep down inside she wanted to be more beautiful than the bride. 

All in all the wedding went well.  I ended up having to give a speech.  I expected the sister of the bride and who I thought the Maid of Honor was to do it, but at the rehearsal when the event planner asked who was going to give the champagne toast/speech all eyes turned to me, including my friend the bride, so I had to say yes.  That night I wrote a few words.  It was pretty good for a last minute thing, it had humor and it was heartfelt.  When the time came I got up, got the page to read the speech and, I guess, out of nerves, I couldn’t make a word out on that paper, so I had to go from memory and improvise a bit.  It worked! People laughed and applauded at the right times.

The most important thing is my friend (the bride) was happy with how everything turned out.

“I want my time to be taken up by chores, errands, appointments, and arguments. In other words, I want to get married.” 
― Jarod Kintz

***

Work is still up and down, and down, and down… when are we going to be stable and not have to worry about money???

***

Update http://blessedwithastarontheforehead.com/2013/01/25/embarrassed-to-be-brazilian/

Finally I will be getting a Brazilian passport valid for 5 years instead of just 1 year. It is all about the person that helps you.  This woman that I talk to today didn’t want to see any documents other than the old passport and a copy of my birth certificate.  She said she doesn’t understand why I was given such a hard time in the past. All is well that ends well!

***

It was my dad’s birthday yesterday.  He is 77 years old.   Amazing he is alive after battling cancer and coming so close to dying.  His will to live, and fear of dying is what I believe made the difference. Well, the doctors also said that the fact that he never smoke or drank a day in his life helped insure the success of the operation he had to go through.

***

Classes:

I started a mosaic class last week.  It will be a total of 5 classes, and at the end I will have a finished product. I have to be honest and say I didn’t love the first class.  I loved the teacher’s loft with water views.  I want to live in a loft with water views!!!

I also started tap/jazz classes. It will be held once a week, on Friday evenings.  Not my first preference for the day of the week to have class, I already had to miss last week.  There will be a recital in June.  Tell me, why do I sign up for this stuff?

***

e-Harmony

it has been okay. Nobody interesting at the moment, but things can change rather quickly – this is the beauty of life, I guess – things can change in an instant.  Some times I am more motivated, other times I am realizing the joys of being single.

***

Brazil here I  come!! October 4th.  So now I am on the packing and shopping phase/craze.

***

Ex, oh Ex, why after 2 years you still matter? why does my heart still hurts?

Will devote a post to that in a couple of days.

“Love is the absence of judgment.” 
― Dalai Lama XIV

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Ohio and New York are friends!

13 Friday Sep 2013

Posted by A Star on the Forehead in Daily Life, Finding Me

≈ 24 Comments

Tags

Brazil, Dating, e-harmony, friendship, in the moment, Motown, tennis

e-Harmony is becoming a great place for me to make friends.  I haven’t had too many dates, but the ones that I had have all been great guys, but – there is always a but – no chemistry.

“Accept what life offers you and try to drink from every cup. All wines should be tasted; some should only be sipped, but with others, drink the whole bottle.” 
― Paulo Coelho

My last date was a 4-day date.  He lives in Ohio and came for a long weekend starting on Thursday. Even before the date I knew this was not going to be romance and just friendship.  I think he knew that too. But still we wanted to meet because we seemed to speak the same language regarding a lot of subjects. I am interested in meeting smart people, not necessarily just a potential mate.  I am interested in learning from people.

It was a great weekend!  It started with watching some tennis and having dinner at the US Open on Thursday night.

On Friday I took the day off and showed him my town.  We had breakfast at my apartment, ran errands and walked to the park and beach.  Then an early dinner at a local Indian restaurant followed by a train ride to the city for a Broadway show.  We saw Motown and it was awesome!

Saturday during the day we went to Central Park and had lunch at Plataforma – Brazilian Rodizio.  We were going to MOMA but we wanted to see the men’s semi final match so we went to a Pub to watch the match instead.   After that we took the train back home.  We got to my apartment too exhausted to do anything else other than watch TV: College Football (not my first choice but I am a gracious host. I even made awesome popcorn!)

On Sunday we met up at his hotel and had breakfast at a nearby diner and then I drove him to the airport.  I was exhausted from the weekend and considered it a success since I had fun and made a friend in the process.  In person he wasn’t as smart and interesting, but still we had great conversations.

“The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.” 
― Eleanor Roosevelt

There is one thing annoying me now.  On Monday he sent me a text saying that he wanted to keep our relationship just on a friendship level.  I was shocked! What? Why did he need to send this text?  What in my behavior made it seem that I wanted anything other than friendship?

Even before he came we had already talked about the fact that we both felt we could be awesome friends and were not sure about romance. Upon meeting for the first time there was no fireworks or even a spark of chemistry, at that moment I knew there was not a chance of romance here.  Throughout the weekend there was no attempt at hand holding or any physical contact, there was no flirting or any conversation that had any tone of romance.  And to me it was perfectly fine since I didn’t want to have to turn him down.

Did he think I entertained any romantic ideas about him?  What gave him that impression?  I was a gracious host and went out of my way to make sure he had a nice time, but I am Brazilian and that is what we do when we have a visitor, any visitor.  You come to my house you will get the VIP treatment.

Why the need to say anything? I am curious and yet have learned that I don’t need to know everything.  So I will not ask him why he thought he needed to clarify something that I thought was more than clear.

I just replied: It is great when everyone is in agreement!

“A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.” 
― Rita Rudner

I am not disappointed with e-Harmony. This time around I am okay with it.  I guess it has to do with expectations.  I am not in it to find the One, I am there mostly as distraction and to meet people.  If I find the One in the process it will be wonderful, but if I don’t it is okay too.  I like the idea of putting myself out there and meeting different people. I have met men that I would not have met otherwise.  While learning about them I realized I learned even more about myself. Just wonderful!

Since I am my biggest fan, I applaud my resilience, my willingness to get out there and try.  I love how thick skinned I have gotten.  One thing I am realizing is that I am incredibly lucky and blessed to have my freedom and independence.  I can do whatever I want, whenever I want!

It is not about finding a partner anymore.  It is about enjoying this very moment!

“Happiness, not in another place but this place…not for another hour, but this hour.” 
― Walt Whitman

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When the right thing is also the hardest thing!

11 Wednesday Sep 2013

Posted by A Star on the Forehead in Daily Life

≈ 19 Comments

Tags

follow my heart, let down, nursing home, saying good bye, volunteer

“Sadness is but a wall between two gardens.”  ― Kahlil Gibran

Last night was my last timr at the Nursing Home.  I went to say good bye to some of the residents.  I didn’t want to just suddenly not show up anymore.  I didn’t  want them thinking that I deserted them.  I think they have too much of that in their lives already.

It was not easy to follow through on the decision to stop volunteering there, but it was the right decision for me.  The director and I didn’t see eye to eye.  I respect their need for security and all the rules, but it made me feel like I could only volunteer if there was someone to watch me.  That didn’t sit well with me.  I need a place more flexible, with less structure that I can come and go as I please.

I tried to hold back tears as I explained to residents that this was good bye.  I was very wisely reminded by one of the residents not to say good bye, but to say see you soon.  Some took the news better than others.   I guess some are used to being let down.  Unfortunately I did just that.

I cried when their sad eyes asked me why.  I cried even more when Claude, one of the residents, said:  “You have to come back, I need you!”  I was happy that he eventually understood how I felt (or pretended to) and went on to dictate a letter to be sent to his son.  He made a point of mentioning me in the letter.

Deep in my heart I know I am making a decision that works for me at this point in time.  I have always listened to my heart, and this is another instance where I am letting my heart be my guide even if it hurts.  I don’t know what the future holds, but I know that I still want to give back.  So my search for volunteer works continues…

…and the friends that I made at the nursing home will be forever in my heart.  I have their names and I will send them a letter every now and then. There is something in me that says that perhaps I was getting too attached to them, or perhaps I am trying to looking for reasons to support my decision.

This feels right, but it is not easy!  I know there will be a place for me, I just have to keep searching.

“Life’s most persistent and urgent question is, ‘What are you doing for others?” 
― Martin Luther King Jr.

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