Tag Archives: Dating

It is in his kiss, or is it?

01 Tuesday Dec 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating

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The doctor is history! He is still around and will call/text every now and then, but when over a month goes by and I am not asked on a date no one needs to draw me a picture – he is just not that interested. It is perfectly fine. I always felt I appreciated more the conversations than anything else. I am hoping that we can still be friends, but I am tired of being the one to make the first move always, so this friendship may die a quiet slow death as I decided not get in touch anymore.  I knew that I could never have anything long-lasting with someone that thinks that sugar is the devil. Sugar is not friend but it doesn’t have to be the enemy either! 🙂

As I mentioned previously I decided to quit online dating for awhile. It was becoming like work and not fun anymore, so I figure a break was in order. On the final days of my e-Harmony subscription I decided to email MF. I never contact anyone, I always wait for them to contact me, but since I was quitting anyway I figure I would take this leap and contact him. MF is 47 but looks extremely young for his age. He did show me his driver’s license so I confirmed his age.

He replied and we hit of immediately. For over 2 weeks we spoke daily on the phone for many hours (we still do). Some evenings we spoke for as long as 3 hours. We bonded over Seinfeld and our gratitude for life, among other things. The longer we talked and as the days went the expectation was building up. Finally last Thursday we met in person.  The chemistry we had on the phone was also there in person.  He was every bit the sweet gentleman I expected.  We were immediately comfortable with one another. He was a bit nervous and it was cute to see that.

On Saturday we had another date. We went to a Brazilian Steakhouse and we both overate. It is impossible to go to one of those and not overeat. Afterwards, it was still early, so he asked me what I wanted to do. I decided that we should just return to my apartment and watch a movie. I trust him.  He actually he came over the first night I met him. Please keep in mind that I do not advise anyone inviting anyone over after just one meeting, but in this case I felt very safe and comfortable in doing that.  I knew nothing was going to happen.

We got to my apartment and I put a movie on Netflix.  After after about 20 minutes  I fell asleep. He was left to watch the movie by himself.  When the movie ended he woke me up to say good bye and close the door.

He mentioned to me yesterday that he doesn’t quite know what to make of my falling asleep on the date. He said he is looking at the positive side that I am very comfortable with him, instead of thinking he is so boring he put me to sleep.

I am not over thinking that one. I am sure worst things have happened on first dates.  It was a heavy dinner and I had a cocktail.  I also was tired from all our late nights on the phone.

What I am right now is extremely confused. On one hand I found someone exactly as I have been asking God to send me. He is gentle, caring, responsible, and honest. He is interested, willing and able. He wants to travel and do things. He is not too young or too old.

On the other hand I am not sure what I want. He is everything I thought I wanted and now he is here and I just don’t know.  I know I am extremely comfortable and happy with my single life, but I think life is better as a couple.  I keep dreaming of finding a partner and now he is here.  Is he the one?

He seems to like me a bit too much. It seems that I could do no wrong in his eyes. No one wants what is too easy, too simple, too available.  Do I want only who doesn’t want me? Is that a self defense mechanism?

He is so much like me. He is open and forthcoming with everything. He has no problems talking about his feelings, needs and wants. He has no problems divulging everything about his life. I have met my match and now what?

I have been honest with him and told him how I feel and, not surprisingly, he was extremely understanding. He said we should take it easy and take a day at a time and if friendship is all that I want he will be happy to have that as he thinks I am a real cool person.

So, what is my issue? Fear? I fear using him, hurting him. I fear settling.  I guess I am not as fearless as I thought.

Also, and perhaps this is the real crux of the matter: I didn’t care for his kiss.  I have not been honest with him about that.  He didn’t ask, so I didn’t volunteer.  How can you tell someone that their kiss is not what you expected and hoped for it?

I am not saying he doesn’t know how to kiss. He just doesn’t know enough to my liking. It felt hurried, and too much, but not in a good way. It seemed he was trying too hard, not natural. Should I hurt his feelings and tell him that? Men have such fragile egos. He is extremely nice and kind and the last thing I want to do is hurt him or offend him. But kissing is extremely important to me.  I cannot imagine being with someone that I don’t care to kiss.

These are the questions I have:

  • Is there a way that I can gently tell him that his kissing is sub-par?
  • Can I teach him how to kiss? Can I do it without offending him?
  • Can the kissing get better? Can you turn a bad kiss into a bad kisser into a good kisser?
  • Was he just nervous?
  • Does he think that that was a good kiss?
  • What about me? I think I am such a great kisser, but what if I am not? How does one know?
  • If this is how he kisses, how will the rest be? Do I even want to find out?
  • Is bad kissing a reason to break up with someone?

Perhaps finding an issue with his kiss is my way of finding a reason to break up with him, and continue to be single and free?

“I have found men who didn’t know how to kiss. I’ve always found time to teach them.” ― Mae West

Being aware and making the best of it

22 Tuesday Sep 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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This is a glimpse of my life right now.

Dating:  I have been seeing on and off the doctor I have mentioned on previous posts.  Am I dating him?  I have no clue, and that knowledge, or lack of it, drives me crazy.  I like certainties.  I like knowing where I stand.  I like being a priority and not merely an option.  But still this other side of me wants to be easy and carefree, wants to move as the wind blows, and wants not to worry too much about this guy or that guy.  I feel this push-pull thing with him.  It is like he wants me, he takes me out, then he doesn’t want me, he goes silent for a couple of days.

It is certainly a lesson for me.  It forces me to look at my needs versus my wants.  I have to look at my expectations and what is the type of relationship I want.

What do I really want? Am I okay with not knowing where I stand?

“We’re not dating,” Alec said again.
“Oh?” Magnus said. “So you’re just that friendly with everybody, is that it?” 
― Cassandra Clare

***

Old Energy converting into good: I have sold an old ring that my first boyfriend had given me.  I only got $800 for it, but I am so excited to be dedicating that money to make Christmas better for some kids in Brazil.  I already try to help out every Christmas, but having an extra $800 is awesome.

This idea of converting past energies in present and future goods is amazing and wonderful and so re-energizing.  What else around my house, that I have not been using or that perhaps have negative memories attached to them, that could be used for good?

I don’t like things laying around unused.  It is freeing not to be attached to things…now if I could only not get attached to people then I would definitely the master of my domain.

 “We only have what we give.” ― Isabel Allende

***

Scrutiny: This past week I have had auditors from a regulatory agency in our offices. It is a bit unnerving to have to answer questions and provide all kinds of documents. I do mostly everything in our small firm, so I am the point person and the one having to provide all the answers and documentation.

I feel stressed and have been having stomach pains.  I think it is an old nervous ulcer acting up again.

I am a control freak so not knowing exactly what the auditors are looking for, and trying to guess what other questions they will have is making me miserable.

I do my work well but what if there is something I didn’t even know it was a requirement?

I am looking at the bright side.  I welcome them looking things over and pointing out deficiencies.  We have been under those regulations since 2012 and since then I think I am following the rules, so this is a great opportunity to really find out how well I am doing and what needs improvement.

This is a good opportunity for me to realize that control is just an illusion.  Nothing is ever under my control.  The sooner I realize that, the sooner I incorporate that in my life the better.  But it is one of the many things I struggle with.

“The reason many people in our society are miserable, sick, and highly stressed is because of an unhealthy attachment to things they have no control over.”  – Steve Maraboli

***

Airhead.  It is incredible to realize that somebody like me that pays no attention to details is able to function in society and be so successful at work.

At work I deal with numbers as the main financial person.  I deal with insurance and other deadlines as I am the Human Resources person.  I am compliance; I am receivables, payables, etc.  I do it all and I do it well.

And then it comes to my day to day life.

Last night I showed up for a doctor’s appointment that is scheduled for next week.  Last week I went to the doctor at 8am for an appointment that was at 9:30am (this one in particular they called me the day before and left a message confirming it, I just hit erase at the beginning of the message, because I assumed I knew the time).

This is clearly an area that I need to work on. I assume a lot. I am impatient. I talk when I should be listening.

So much room for improvement…awareness is a great start.

“The reasonable man adapts himself to the world: the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.” ―George Bernard Shaw

Fun Labor Day, stressful week :-(

13 Sunday Sep 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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Labor Day Weekend seems like a long time ago now.  Mine was crazy busy and fun.  I had friends visiting.  This couple is one of those that makes marriage look easy and fun.  They have been married over 25 years.  It is always a joy to be around them.

On Friday night we had an awesome dinner at a tapas place in my town.

On Saturday we spent the day at the US Open Tennis and had soul food take out for dinner.

On Sunday we went to mass in the morning  (they go to mass every Sunday no matter where they are).  The mass seemed tailored to me as the priest talked about immigrants.  It was entertaining and interesting.  Unfortunately if something is not entertaining or interesting my mind will wander, it never did.  It had been at least 5 years since I had been to mass.  I enjoyed and may go back.

Here is the kicker:  Right after mass we go to see The Book of Mormon on Broadway.  I never watched South Park (the creators of SP were behind TBM) so I wasn’t sure what to expect.  I knew that it would be a little out there.  But I was shocked by the language and the humor at the expense of someone’s religion.  It was borderline offensive, but the laughter is non-stop.  At times I found myself thinking: “Should I be laughing at that”?    I seemed to have more problems with it than my very catholic friends.  At the end of the day one needs to be able to see the light side of things.  Humor is important and necessary.

At the end of the weekend I realize how truly blessed I am!  Life is good, beautiful and bountiful!

“It is the test of a good religion whether you can joke about it.”  – G.K. Chesterton

On Monday I had a date with the doctor – we are seeing each other again.  I will write about in my next post.

The date helped to take my mind away from an upcoming audit at work.  It is unnerving to be providing tons of documents to 5 people so then they can come and poke around our offices and ask for documents and ask many questions.   This is our first audit by a regulatory Agency so we are not sure what to expect, specially since even the auditors seem to be confused as what regulations apply to our specific business.

The control freak in me is going nuts.  Am I doing things correctly?  What are they looking for? Will I have all the answers?  Will my answers be sufficient?  I would hate to appear unprepared, incapable and inefficient.

I am trying to be in the moment, taking a breath, enjoying now.  Let go and let God!

“You must learn to let go. Release the stress. You were never in control anyway.” ― Steve Maraboli

 

Update on the previous post: He is alive and well, he was just ghosting me!

08 Wednesday Jul 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” ― Marilyn Monroe

I texted him.

I didn’t text to find out why he disappeared but to say things I wanted to say. I don’t like feeling I left things unsaid.  I also have been making a point of letting people know any time they have a positive impact in my life.

I had meant to talk to him about a couple of things next time I saw him (before he chose silence I thought we would continue to date and even grow closer).  I wanted to discuss my stupid question in the middle of the kiss (I asked: Are you dating other people?).  I also wanted to talk to him about how hot things got in my apartment and how to handle things next time (we both had talked about wanting a more meaningful sex life and not just a lustful act).

Here is what I texted: “By your silence I know where you stand on seeing me again. I was waiting when I saw you next to tell you a couple of things but since that doesn’t seem likely I will tell you here and now.  I am sorry I put you in an awkward position last time we were together.  My excitement and impulsiveness got the best of me, still that is not an excuse, so I am sorry.  Also, thank you for inspiring me!

I felt great about saying what I wanted to say and really didn’t expect or even wanted a reply.  Hours later he texted:

“Nice to hear from you.  I thank you for your text message but please do keep in mind that I have just as much responsibility for what transpired.  I’d like to chat with you. I will give you a call in the next couple of days if that is OK with you.  I hope you are having a great day.”

“Yesterday is not ours to recover, but tomorrow is ours to win or lose.”
― Lyndon B. Johnson

Is he feeling guilty or bad about coming into my apartment and things getting hotter than we anticipated?  Well, even though it would probably have been better not to have invited him in I don’t regret it!  First, we didn’t have sex and second I am almost 50 and he is 55, we are not kids.  Going forward we could still take things slow.  So I fail to see the problem.

Whatever his feelings were he should have given me the courtesy of talking to me about it and not just going silent.  I didn’t reply to his text and say it was okay for him to call me in a couple of days.  That is 2 days longer than I want to talk about this subject.  At this point it just feels silly. We are done, talking about it any longer feels like beating a dead horse.

I appreciated him coming into my life and motivating me to do more, read more and experience more, but I expected a better treatment from such a spiritual, well traveled, well educated, well read person, mature person.  In only 3 dates we had talked about everything.  We didn’t talk about the usual.  All our conversations were deep and meaningful, so his silence was not only strange, it was hurtful.  Giving me the silence treatment was the worst thing he could have done to me and it is not the way I want to be treated.

“You will never change what you tolerate.” ― Joel Osteen

***

Did you guys ever hear the term “Ghosting”?  It seems that there is now a word to describe the silence and disappearance of someone you are dating.  So it seems he was ghosting me!

His silence is deafening!

06 Monday Jul 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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I hope you all had a wonderful 4th of July!  I went to see the fireworks from Roosevelt Island in New York.  It wasn’t that great since we had only a partial view.  It turns out that to get in the better viewing area of the park you had to get tickets in advance.  It was a nice evening and we had a great time anyway. I remembered to be grateful and thankful for all the freedoms I enjoy,did you? 🙂

“It’s the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting.” 

I have to update you guys on the guy I had 3 dates with.  It sounded so promising, I was so excited and then my bubble burst.  I could go on and on analyzing this for days, actually for months, but I will spare you and me all of that. So please just allow me to analyze this for this post.

After the exchange of texts on Tuesday he texted me on Thursday to wish me a happy day.  After a couple of back and forth texts that day, he went silent.  Silence can be so loud some times.  This time it screams: “I am not that into you ”  Ouch!  That is not what I wanted to hear.  That is not what I was expecting after the deep connection we had.  I know he liked me a lot and that is why the silence is so confusing.

“Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering.”

I am guessing his texting me a few times after the last date was just a way of letting me down easy, which I find kind of insulting.  He seemed so upfront that I expected a more direct approach then silence.   I know it has only been only 4 days since I last heard from him, but when someone is in touch every day this speaks volumes.  Plus this feeling inside of me pretty much tells me it is over before it began.  This is disappointing because I really enjoyed his mind and was hoping that we could be friends even if romance didn’t materialize.

“If pain must come, may it come quickly. Because I have a life to live, and I need to live it in the best way possible. If he has to make a choice, may he make it now. Then I will either wait for him or forget him.”

I can’t help but feel a little crushed but this is, yet again, a learning opportunity.

  • I am learning that I should relax and take dating for what it is. It is a getting to know each other dance. Some people are upfront, some people play games and some people are just inept.
  • Don’t assume anything.  Just because all the signs point to a great connection it doesn’t mean that there really is one, and it doesn’t mean the other person is feeling the same way.
  • Not all that glitters is gold.  He seemed amazing, so I raised my expectations and it turns out he is great but still as flawed as everyone else.
  • Don’t expect people to act how you would, or how you think they should – that only leads to disappointment.  I would have been upfront instead of quietly going away.
  • Don’t take anything personally. His silence doesn’t mean I did anything wrong, or that there is anything wrong with me.  He has his reasons.
  • You don’t have to understand the situation, you just need to accept and respect. I am confused because I know there was a connection.  But I know better than to call and ask what happened. I accept, respect and move on.
  • Enjoy the moment, be fully present and don’t get caught up in dreaming a future or bringing up the past.

Here is the best part of this whole thing:  I am able to recognize the blessing and move on.  His arrival was a blessing.  His silence is a blessing.  It is amazing how peaceful I become when I choose to accept everything as a blessing.

“When someone leaves, it’s because someone else is about to arrive.”

Don’t get me wrong, I would have loved it if he had called and if we had continued seeing each other. And perhaps he will still call, but his few texts and then silence only mean one thing:  He is just not interested.   I also know how I should and deserve to be treated and long periods of silence are not acceptable.  His silence gave me space and time to see things clearly and he is not who I thought he was.  So at this point even if he contacts me I am no longer interested in romance, I can still be friends but the flames of potential love have been put out by his careless manner and attitude.

I thank him for showing me his disinterest early on and leaving room so that the right one can come in.   I am glad I get to find out now and not later, before more heart, time and energy is invested.

“No one loses anyone, because no one owns anyone. That is the true experience of freedom: having the most important thing in the world without owning it”

I have grown so much in the last 4 years.  The way I am feeling and dealing with this silence is a great proof of it.  I haven’t been excited about somebody as much as this person in a real long time, many years in fact.  So there was a twinge of sadness and pain at the silence, but it was momentary; I no longer linger in pain, sadness and what ifs.

I have learned to accept that people will come and go from my life.  That knowledge gives me peace when they choose to leave.  It means that whatever their mission, whatever the lesson they had for me it is done.  I thank them and I let it go.  I love leaving the door wide open.  Stay if you want, go if you must!

“When we love, we always strive to become better than we are. When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too.”

I have to give him credit for being a motivator in my own personal growth journey, even without knowing.  Since I have met him I have started to read more and have already finished 2 books that had long been sitting in the shelf.  The same way I decided to be more open and give people a chance I decided to give all the books sitting in my bookcase a chance (no more reading just the first couple pages and putting it aside).  I am also looking into some workshops to take in the future.

He came to:

1) To motivate me to continue to search for growth, especially spiritually. He was so spiritual and intelligent it was inspiring.

2) To make me believe that guys that are intelligent, spiritual, optimist, humble, grateful, open minded, interested in personal growth and traveling the world do indeed exist.  He was one and I am sure there are others.

3) To show me that I can get excited about a guy the same way I got excited about ex.  It had been a long time and I thought I would never have such feelings again.  He awoke certain dormant feelings.

“The secret of life, though, is to fall seven times and to get up eight times.”

Instead of being discouraged and defeated I am totally the opposite, I am motivated, pumped and eager.  He has only strengthened my resolve to find someone.  Meeting him just tells me that I am getting closer to the one.  It may take a while and hard work, but I never wanted easy anyway, I am willing to work for that amazing love.  Finding the One is not easy; I don’t expect it to be.  Nothing easy is worth having anyway.  For that one chance to have that magical fairy tale I am willing to keep trying and willing to lay my heart on the line every time.

“I can choose either to be a victim of the world or an adventurer in search of treasure. It’s all a question of how I view my life.”

As far as how I behaved and how fast I took things I will try to slow down next time, even though I don’t think that I did anything wrong.  He is gone not because I did anything wrong but because of his own reasons.  He is also gone because even thought I thought he was good for me the Universe has someone better in mind.  Who am I to argue with the Universe?

 “None of us knows what might happen even the next minute, yet still we go forward. Because we trust. Because we have Faith.”

At the end of the day this is dating, I just need to get better at navigating it.  But still I will continue getting excited about people and I will continue being upfront because that is my essence.

In Brazil we joke that men (women) are like buses, you lose (miss) one but there is always another one around the corner.  Next!

* All quotes are by Paulo Coelho

Is the third date the charm or the undoing?

01 Wednesday Jul 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“Let the lover be disgraceful, crazy, absentminded. Someone sober will worry about things going badly. Let the lover be. ” ― Rumi, The Essential Rumi

So this is about the third date with AS.  I normally don’t get excited enough about anyone to go on a second date let alone a third date, so this is really a major deal.  I am trying to reign in my excitement and not get ahead of myself.

For this third date we decided to meet to play ping-pong as I told him I could probably beat him.  Before the date he called me to see if I wanted to have dinner first.  So we met at the same Vegetarian restaurant from the first date (I am missing burgers already 😦  This time I didn’t quite care for my meal but the conversation continued to be great and flow easily.

My first misstep:  I told him that I liked him and was excited to have met him.  Why be so honest and upfront?  He said he felt the same way.  But what was he going to say?  why do I have this need to lay all my card on the table so soon?

“When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy.” ― Rumi

After dinner we went to shoot pool (as the place no longer had ping pong tables).  I lost!  No news there as I have no idea what I am doing when it comes to pool.

After we were done playing he drove me to my apartment building and walked me to my lobby. In that few seconds where he would give me a quick peck on the lips I turn to him and  said: What now?  Want to come up?  His answer was sure, or something like that. Misstep # 2: I invited him to my apartment.   I don’t know why I did it, it was totally impulsive.    I knew there would be no sex and there would be no chance that he would be anything less than a gentleman.  But still why did I have to?  I am guessing I wanted to get a real kiss.  To me it is all about the kiss, and even though a light peck on the lips was sweet and good,  I craved more.

I offered him some coffee, tea or juice but he settled on water.  Then I showed him my apartment which he said was great.  He kissed me while I was showing him around.  There were sparks!!

“Set your life on fire. Seek those who fan your flames” ― Rumi

We sat on the couch and discussed some of the books I had on my bookshelf.  Then we kissed some more.  Things got hot and heavy – I take full blame for lighting the flames.  There was no sex as we have already discussed how we think that sex should special and have meaning and not be just this lustful urge.  I think that we both forgot about all that for a minute but we were able to recover before things got too far.  Misstep # 3: Let things get too hot, actually causing things to get too hot.

“Forget safety.  Live where you fear to live.
Destroy your reputation.   Be notorious.” ― Rumi

I am a bit mad with myself.  Why couldn’t I just let him take charge and steer this relationship? I doubt things would get as hot as it did.  It is all good as I mentioned no sex happened, but I just don’t like when I see myself trying to be so controlling and dictating everything.  Why do I have this need to be in charge?  Now I will never know how things would have unfolded if I had let him drive.  I skipped steps.

“Remember. The way you make love is the way God will be with you.” ― Rumi

But that is not the worst part!  Misstep # 4: In the middle of a kiss I stop and ask him if he is dating other people.  Now, why did I have to do that?  He should be dating other people; I should be dating other people.  This is only the third date!!

He said: no, are you?  I said no.  And with that I just shot myself on the foot! Who starts this type of conversation in the middle of kissing?  Why do I have to push people for answers, decisions, labels.  Why can’t I just let things flow, why can’t I let nature run its course?

Now I forced myself to not date anybody else otherwise I am going to be a liar. I plan on talking to him about that next chance I get.  Or perhaps I should leave things alone?

“Not only the thirsty seek the water, the water as well seeks the thirsty.” ― Rumi

I have not seen him since that date (Thursday), he was away at a wedding and returned this morning (Tuesday).  He has texted me that he is back and swamped trying to catch up at work.  He hasn’t asked me out  again yet.  I expect he will.

I am trying to control my impatience and impulsiveness – it is a constant struggle!  I need to stop trying to take the driver’s seat.  I blame my impatience, my hurry, my need to have answers, results, to be in people’s face, my need for reaction from people.

“Gamble everything for love, if you’re a true human being.” ― Rumi

And then I remember that I need to be nice to myself, not only that but I need to be myself.  I need to honor the beauty in the type of person I am.  I am beautifully flawed, but I am real.  So I err on the side of too honest, too curious, too Impulsive, but at the end of the day I am me.  I am not acting or playing games.  If someone is going to love me, they will have to get used to it sooner or later.

“Put your thoughts to sleep, do not let them cast a shadow over the moon of your heart.  Let go of thinking.” ― Rumi

The wonderful world of possibilities and anticipation!

28 Sunday Jun 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me, Food

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* “The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.” ― Steve Maraboli

What I love most about life is the fact that the future is such a mysterious gift.  I continue to try to work hard, be positive, humble, grateful, pro-active and most important, to be present in the moment. I believe that if I continue to do my part the Universe will continue to bless me with miraculous rewards.

One of the most important lessons I have learned is that there is nothing to gain for beating myself up when I make a mistake.  A mistake happens, I ponder about what I could have done different, how I will handle the same situation in the future, but most important, I try to find the lesson in the mistake so I don’t repeat it again.  In my last post I spoke about the mistake of having sex with AL.

That single mistake/lesson has been a major turning point for me.  It made me realize what I really want in life as far as romantic relationships and sex.  For me platonic friends and sex is not a good combination.   AL and I continue to text and be friends.  I continue to regard him as a great friend and as someone I can count on.  I take full responsibility for that mistake and I am grateful for the part he played in helping me learn the lessons I needed to learn.

* “We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future.” 

The Universe has an incredible/impeccable  timing.  Two nights after I was with AL I went on a date with someone new.  I met this guy on POF (Plenty of Fish). I will call him AS.

I decided to have a new attitude in dating now.  I will have no expectations and be open minded to everyone I meet. I will give everyone a fair chance and will try to be in the moment and already foresee the future.  I never expected that as soon as I decided to make a mental shift that I would meet someone special.

* “Your greatest self has been waiting your whole life; don’t make it wait any longer.”

I met AS at an Italian Restaurant and we decided to walk to a Vegetarian Restaurant that his sister had just visited and recommended. The food was good, but the company and conversation was exceptional. There was no lull in the conversation. He talks about the same books I have read (or meant to read :-).  He talks about Ho’oponopono (an ancient Hawaiian practice) and his experience with Shamans (spiritual healers), among many other things that not everyone is familiar with but I happen to know about it and believe in.  We are in awe of the so many things we have in common.  Our outlook in so similar, we both feel blessed and believe that the Universe conspires to bring us what we need and what we emanate.  We believe in being humble and grateful.  It feels good to talk about the things I believe in without thinking I am going to scare him or weird him out. He also loves to travel and wants to see the world – another important connection for me.

After dinner he walked me home.  In the lobby of my building he took my face in his hands, gave me a sweet peck on the lips and said he would like to see me again.  That was Wednesday night.  The next day he texted and asked me out to brunch on Sunday.

It was very hard for me to keep my excitement down.  Will a second date be equally as nice as the first or will all fall apart?

All the guys I meet end up living very far, but in this case even the logistics are perfect.  He lives 10 blocks away from where I live.  He also works 10 blocks away from my work.

The second date was even better.  We sat and talked for 3 hours.  He had to go meet friends so eventually we had to leave. Even though I live only 2 blocks away from the restaurant he said he would drive me home -I think we both wanted to spend as much time as we could together.  As we are walking to his car he asked if he could hold my hand. I said yes.  If this was any other guy I would find this request extremely corny, but with him it seemed gentle, cute and respectful.

He parked in front of my building and as I am getting ready to leap out, he said: “Hold on, let me walk you to your door” …another gentlemanly moment that makes me feel special.  At my door he says good bye with a sweet peck on my lips again as in the first date. It is amazing how sometimes times tiny gestures have a huge impact!

* “There is nothing more beautiful than seeing a person being themselves. Imagine going through your day being unapologetically you.”

I love that he seems so secure and so unhurried about things.  He was not all over me even though the chemistry and sexual tension is there.  It is as if he knows that something will happen but he realizes that waiting and taking it slow can only make it better.

He inspired me to get moving on my goals in life and to get back to reading all the personal growth and spiritual books I have on my bookshelf that I never seem able to finish.  He pursues education and self improvement with a determination I have never seen before.  Being inspired by my partner to become a better person is one of the ideas I have for the right person for me. Please don’t confuse my thinking he is perfect for me with thinking that is he is perfect.  No one is!   I also think that he could also learn from me.  I think I can have him laughing more, relaxing more.

* “If you hang out with chickens, you’re going to cluck and if you hang out with eagles, you’re going to fly.” 

As expected I have been floating on this cloud of anticipation of what it is to come (being careful not to miss the present moment).  I think anticipation is okay but expectations are bad!  Still I am trying to keep all the excitement in check as there are always all kinds of impediments in new relationships.  After all we only had 3 dates and don’t really know each other.

The third date was on Thursday night.  We had decided to play ping pong since I said that I probably could beat him at that. But I will save the details of the third for the next post in the next day or so. I feel the third date deserves its own post, as insecurities, fears and self sabotage already started rearing their ugly heads. He was away this weekend to be in wedding returning on this coming Thursday.  So I had/have plenty of time to dissect and analyze every second of this third date and all I have done wrong…yes my impatience and impulsiveness got the best of me.  Dating as an Aries is tough!

* “Do not sabotage your new relationship with your last relationship’s poison.”

What I will say for now is that it seems I met my match.  My heart is singing with the melody of possibilities.

So that things don’t seem just absolutely perfect I will venture some differences between him and I: Due to his profession he is very conscious about eating, health and the world.  He is a vegetarian that tries to stay away from sugar and other ingredients deemed unhealthy.  He is extremely book smart, serious, focused and driven.  I am a street smart, sarcastic girl that loves a good bacon cheese burger and rewards herself with sweets.  I am totally unfocused with a wandering mind that lack clear goals.  Will our optimism and eternally blessed attitude be enough to bridge this gap?

* “Stop trying to ‘fix’ yourself; you’re NOT broken! You are perfectly imperfect and powerful beyond measure.” 

* All quotes are by Steve Maraboli.  He is so inspiring!

Not just Sex, not a Mistake, but a very freeing lesson!

19 Friday Jun 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“A friend who is far away is sometimes much nearer than one who is at hand. Is not the mountain far more awe-inspiring and more clearly visible to one passing through the valley than to those who inhabit the mountain?” Kahlil Gibran

Here is the hard, but so necessary, post I hinted about it.  First I have to mention this post: http://atomic-temporary-33385295.wpcomstaging.com/2015/05/11/tired-of-accepting-less-than-i-deserve/

You don’t have to read it again, I will summarize it here: AL is 16 years younger than I am. We dated briefly and even though we got along we realized that we were better as friends.  Then he got very busy and our friendship became texting only. I was not happy that he didn’t make time to see me and asked him not to contact me again.  I felt I needed and deserved more from a friend.  That is pretty much the meat of that post.

“Friendship is the purest love. It is the highest form of Love where nothing is asked for, no condition, where one simply enjoys giving.” ― Osho

Then I changed my mind… I missed him and decided I rather have a texting relationship then none.   I felt that he was much more of a friend than some of my other friends.  I missed our banter.  So I thought about it for a few days (extra points for me for not being impulsive) and finally texted him.

It is a bit embarrassing to go on and on a post about something and then completely change my mind.  But I can see beauty and freedom in that too.  I am only human and often confused.

He replied immediately saying how happy he was that I got in touch.  He said there were many times he wanted to say hi but he was trying to respect my wishes.  From then on we started texting again.  He also promised to make more of an effort.  And he has.  One evening over a week ago,  right after I had returned home from a date,  he texted me to say hello.  I started confiding in him about the date and he invited me over to his house.  I went.  We shared a glass of wine and many stories.  It felt great seeing him again. When I was about to leave we kissed.  And then we kissed some more.   I left before things went any further.

I got home that night and an idea started forming in my head.  What if AL and I became Friends with Benefits?  The next morning that idea was still in my mind and it only kept getting stronger.

“All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.” ― Mae West

It is about time this hot Brazilian injects some fun into her life and learns to be freer with her body. I miss sex, I miss intimacy.  Sometimes all a girl wants is to be touched.  But I don’t want to jump in bed with just anyone.  AL seemed like the perfect guy to help me with that.  We had sex before and I have good memories of it.  He is familiar, safe and non-threatening.  I don’t have to commit to him (lately it seems that any time a guy gets close to me I run away).  I have no expectations.  I don’t want a relationship with him.  He is a great guy but besides the large age difference, we are at very different stages in life.  Also, some of his quirks that now seem fun would end up driving me nuts.

And that is when I wrote on my last post the little preview about writing this post.  I wanted your feedback.  I am not completly sure what I wanted to achieve but writing about it.  I don’t know if I wanted you to tell me that it was okay to go ahead and have sex with him.  I don’t know if I wanted you to talk some sense into me and make me change my mind.  I probably wanted you to point out all the flaws in my plan.  I also wanted to out myself on the fact that I miss and want sex.  I am fiercely independent so it is hard to face certain things, such as the fact that I miss having sex with someone.  It is hard to come out and say that I am actually thinking that having a friend with benefits is a great idea.  It is hard for me to say that I am not self sufficient and need someone.

“I am glad that I paid so little attention to good advice; had I abided by it I might have been saved from some of my most valuable mistakes.” ― Edna St. Vincent Millay

I kept coming up with reasons on how this was a great idea and it was perfectly acceptable.  Sex is healthy!  We are friends!  We had sex before!  After all we are both adults and single.  But are we?  Well he has a girlfriend that for some reason I have no problem forgetting about.   I have been cheated on, so I should be even more opposed to that idea than the average person.  Truth is I am not sure he still has a girlfriend and if so how serious it is.  It is hard for me to believe that he would be willing to cheat on his girlfriend.  Would this arrangement be called cheating?  Don’t answer; I know the answer to that!  Still his girlfriend never figured in my decision (I am not proud of that).

I knew that next time I saw AL again it would be hard to stop at kissing.  I knew it would be my doing if something happened as he is not the type to push and pressure anyone into anything.  Instead of looking forward to a third date with this one available guy I have been dating, I was looking forward to seeing AL again and already fantasying about all the possibilities.

“Stop acting so small. You are the universe in ecstatic motion.” ― Rumi

Two nights ago, before I had the chance to write this post AL came to my apartment.   At first I just showed him my new apartment and we talked about some improvements I want to make. The whole time there was this underlying sexual tension.  We both knew we would kiss.  I don’t think we knew for sure that we would do more than kissing. Can we stop at kissing?  Should we? Why should we?  I was okay with anything happening or not happening.

We kissed! We kissed a lot!  And we didn’t stop there!  I will not bore you with the details…yadda yadda yadda we had sex!

This post was going to be about the idea of making something happen, now it is a “been there, done that, don’t need to do it again”.  This post is about being honest, human and flawed.  I make mistakes, sometimes I go out of my way to make mistakes.  Sometimes I know it is a mistake and I do it anyway.  I know there will be tons more down the road and I look forward to them all.

“sex is the consolation you have when you can’t have love” ― Gabriel Garcí­a Márquez

Immediately after sex I felt odd.  Don’t get me wrong, sex was good, but it didn’t seem to be what I needed.  I didn’t feel good or bad.  It is hard to explain.  Sex was comforting, fun, satisfying but also it felt temporary, lacking and empty.  It was empty in meaning, it lacked future.  I expected to either feel great about it or feel totally guilty.  I felt neither.  I felt weirdly and plainly okay.

After he left I was incredibility happy.  Not happy that he left, but happy that it had happened and it was over.  Most of all I was happy that it is never going to happen again (he doesn’t know that yet).  I had this calmness come over me.  I had this assuredness that I knew exactly how I felt about this. I had this sense that what had just happened was a necessary mistake. I needed to know in person/reality and not just in concept that this was not for me.  Somehow I don’t think that I would have listened to anyone telling me how dumb my idea was.  I had to go through it, the feelings, the emotions, the before, the after, the emptiness and the discovery!

“Sex is always about emotions. Good sex is about free emotions; bad sex is about blocked emotions.” ― Deepak Chopra

I am not a friends with benefit type of person.  I am not passing judgment on anyone that does that as for awhile I thought it would work for me.  And who knows I may change my mind again.  But I realize that at this point in my life is not what I want.  I want meaning and positive energy.  I want to elevate my soul, to make it happy, to make it sing.  This is not the way to achieve that for me.  Sex to me is more than the physical part; it is the exchange of energy, the building of something, perhaps memories.  It is the oneness that one only gets when there is love and continuity. Somehow I need to have a commitment from the other person.  I want it all, the passion, the gentleness, the wild and raw, the miracle of it, and it can only be miraculously if you are with someone that you love and care about.   Perhaps what I am really trying to do is control sex.   Can sex be controlled?

“Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power.” ― Oscar Wilde

That AL perhaps has a girlfriend shouldn’t go unnoticed either.  I don’t want to be the cause of anyone’s sadness.  I don’t want to contribute to anyone’s betrayal.  I don’t want that negative energy in my life. The truth is if I want to just have a sexual relationship with no strings attached I could easily have a line outside my door of single guys.  I don’t need to be with anybody’s boyfriend.  I know better than that.  I doubt his girlfriend is serious, or even if he has one now, but that is really besides the point now.  At that point I didn’t care if he had or not. I am not proud of that fact, but it is sadly true.

“If a man will begin with certainties, he shall end in doubts; but if he will be content to begin with doubts, he shall end in certainties.” ― Francis Bacon, The Advancement Of Learning

I am embarrassed to be writing about this as at my age (almost 50). Where is the cosmopolitan world traveler Brazilian New Yorker? I fear I am sounding like a confused 20 yr old.  But these are my issues and what is in my mind.  I am going to own up to everything, pretty or not.  It is about knowing and accepting myself, and not making excuses.

I am not sure what came over me with those thoughts.  I think that it had something to do with the fact that lately when I start dating someone the moment they like me and they seem to want to get close to me, I run!  So at this rate I will never have sex again.  I broke things off with the date from the other day, the one I was confiding in AL about it.  He seemed to like me too much too fast so I felt pressured and ran.  It turns out the worst thing a man can do to me is show me he is very interested in me.  I start finding fault with him. I start projecting years down the road and I am turned off by what I see.  I think I am just afraid of giving anyone new a chance.

“So far, about morals, I know only that what is moral is what you feel good after and what is immoral is what you feel bad after.”― Ernest Hemingway, Death in the Afternoon

I am weirdly okay with this whole turn of events: texting AL again, having sex, deciding it is not for me.  I am even happy about it.  I would never have found out exactly how I feel about this had I not gone through. I don’t feel defeated, I feel empowered.  I have now a better sense of direction.  It is crazy to think that I needed this to happen but I think it was necessary for me.  If I were to continue on this route of sex without meaning it would only cheapen the whole act for me.  I like this romantic idea I have of it.  I also think that if I were to fully embark on that I would never give any new guy a chance.  AL would become my crutch.

Perhaps I am afraid of getting hurt, of becoming vulnerable again.  I am fearless, or so I thought.  My actions lately seem all driven out of some kind of fear!

The best thing is that now I have a new resolve, new outlook, new determination.  I decided to give new people a chance.   I will welcome people instead of driving them away.  I will not project into the future.  I will take it one day at a time.  I will trust! I will let the light in!

And here I remain so sure of something and still totally confused!  But one think is for certain I am proud of telling you the naked truth!

“Don’t be afraid to be confused. Try to remain permanently confused. Anything is possible. Stay open, forever, so open it hurts, and then open up some more, until the day you die, world without end, amen.” ― George Saunders, The Braindead Megaphone

***

I am not sure what will happen to the relationship I have with AL.  We continue to talk and text as if nothing happened.  I am a bit less flirty as I don’t want to give him any ideas.  Clearly we are very close friends as I can confide in him with anything.  I am comfortable enough with him to be naked in front of him while I know I am not physically at my best (that says a lot!).   I know that we will see each other again and I know in my heart that we will not have sex again – I just know it.  I no longer want to, I am no longer curious.  I am curious about his girlfriend though.  Does he really have one, how serious is she that he is willing to cheat on her?  I never asked him about that.  Somehow I never thought he would be the kind of guy that cheats on his girlfriend.   AL has been a constant in my life the past 3 years (even if for a long time it was just texting).  I appreciate his presence in my life.  If he were to disappear I would miss him.  He makes me smile. He is my friend!

“Let us be grateful to the people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.”― Marcel Proust

One is alive, the other is boring and I am getting old in the process!

23 Monday Mar 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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Guess who I saw online on Friday night?  Yes, you guessed it!  Mr. disappearing act was online.  So now we know that he is not dead, in prison or lying in a hospital with amnesia.  Now we know that he stopped texting/calling because he wanted to.

I will never understand what makes a person do that.  The honest approach is so much better and civil, why just disappear? Why let people wonder what happened?   Well, I totally believe I dodged a bullet and I thank my guardian angel for this narrow escape.

I didn’t contact him and I am glad that he didn’t contact me and tried to give me some excuse.

The bottom line is whatever is/was going on in his life that caused him to disappear has nothing to do with me.  It is all about him! I was just on his path.  I was just another casualty.

I am filing this under lesson learned.  I am free from him.  I am free from the issues that being his friend would bring.  Drugs are not for me and anyone that needs drugs to be happy are not for me.

“Being honest may not get you many friends but it’ll always get you the right ones.” ― John Lennon

***

I just came from another failed date.  I hate to use the word failed as I think everything in life leads to success and there are no failures only lessons and stepping stones to a better place. But for some reason this one feels like a failure.

He was just a bit too overwhelming to me.  Normally I am the overwhelming one.  Normally I am the one that talks too much.  I wanted to give him some constructive criticism but I knew he couldn’t handle it.  At one point I just sat back and listened, I didn’t bother to disagree.  Well I attempted to but I could see him getting defensive so I gave up.

Of course he liked me so much that he couldn’t stop telling me that he had a great feeling about this date.  He now can’t stop telling me how smitten he is with me.  It seems he says the right stuff but it just rubbed me the wrong way.

I don’t like when people assume they know me.  I don’t like when people assume that they know what I am feeling.  I don’t like when people think they know what I am about to say.

He is a very nice guy, great job, worldly, smart, but something rubbed me the wrong way.  He is an Aries like me maybe that is the problem. May be he is too much like me.

Truth is that if that is what I am like, I hated it and I need to change.  It is not fun being with someone so opinionated, so know it all, so full of assumptions.  I need to watch myself and tone it down.

The main problem is there was zero chemistry for me.  I guess when there is chemistry is easier to put up with some things.

He just texted to tell me he wants to do something special for me on Saturday night to celebrate my birthday.  His birthday is 2 days later.  The worst part is that I am considering it.

I didn’t say no yet, but I know I have no other answer for him. I was tempted into accepting just because I have nothing lined up for my birthday. I know, that is an awful reason to go out with someone! This blog of mine is all about honesty, so I would be lying if I didn’t acknowledge that I thought about accepting his invitation so that I would have something special to do on my birthday.

The truth is I would feel miserable if I accepted knowing I would be using him. If I thought there was a chance of liking him more on a second date I would go, but I don’t think so.  So I will find an easy way to let him down.

As far as my birthday I will make it special no matter what.  I always celebrate myself!  I believe there will be champagne involved!

I will be celebrating possibilities!  My life is so full of hope and possibility!  Some times I just have to smile to myself for seeing all the invisible beauties and blessings in my life.  I am alive, do I need any other reason to celebrate?

*Thank you for 3 great years! * One minute of humanity *Friendship or foolishness?

04 Wednesday Mar 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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There is so much going on at the moment! I will share more on the next post.  For now I want to share a couple of things:

This month marks the 3rd year that my blog is in existence.  I think this is a huge achievement for me, specially since I am the queen of starting countless projects and not always sticking with them.

This blog has been everything for me!  I have said many times that I credit this blog with saving my sanity at the time of the breakup, were not for this blog I think I would be locked up in some mental institution still obsessing about my ex. As time goes by this blog becomes more and more meaningful to me.   It has become my friend and confidant.  This blog has kept me honest and accountable.  It has helped me see things clearer and some times make sense out of nonsense.

But a blog without a reader is nothing.  So this anniversary is dedicated to you my reader!  I see this anniversary as another excuse to thank you for reading and caring enough to give me some of your valuable insight.  You have touched my life and my journey with your energy and love and for that I am forever changed and forever grateful!

“Let us be grateful to the people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.” ― Marcel Proust

***

“The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

On Friday evening while running to catch the train I stopped to talk to a homeless man.  I have written here many times on how I am unsure as to weather to stop or not as I never know if the person is mentally ill and will all of a sudden attack me.

On a side note,  I do miss my friend Milton and hope he is okay http://atomic-temporary-33385295.wpcomstaging.com/2013/07/16/milton-my-new-friend/  He had mentioned that NY city was going to provide him with an apartment in another part of town, so I am happy in the ignorance of thinking that is where he is, nice and warm and well fed. I remember him in my prayers specially in this cold weather.

So I stopped by this gray bearded man that looked over 60 years old but that was probably much younger.  As I am fishing for some money out of my bag I asked him if he was cold.  I know the stupidity of my question as this is one of the coldest winters in NY City, but he played along.  He said he was warm and sometimes too warm that he even had to remove his hat because he got sweaty.  As he says that he removes his hat.  Then we both at the same time started talking about how this was not a smart idea, to expose a sweaty head to freezing cold.  He mentioned that sometimes he gets a headache out of it and took some Advil.

He had the warmest, welcoming and grateful smile ever.  He was so happy that I stopped and talked to him.  I think that he appreciated that minute of conversation more than the money I gave him.

Unfortunately I only gave him a minute.  I waste so much of my time with mundane things and yet to a fellow human being I only gave one minute.  I am not proud!

I regret being in such a hurry to catch the train.  I was running to get ready for a date.  I was in such a hurry and he seemed to have so much to say that I didn’t even think of asking his name.

I felt bad.  Then the date got canceled.  Was it karma? Was I being punished?   Absolutely not!  The date being canceled was a major blessing!  When it got canceled I actually took a moment to stop and say a silent prayer to recognize God for his wisdom and thank him for blessing me with his guidance.  I had already something telling me this date was not a good idea and still I was going to go through with it,  I was trying to shut that little voice down.

It was blamed on miss-communication, but I totally credit my guardian angels.  I am the world’s most blessed person! Yes I am!  Even when I ignore signs and the little voice inside, God steps in and takes me out of the hands of trouble!

Feeling infinitely humbled and grateful!

“No one has ever become poor by giving.” ― Anne Frank, diary of Anne Frank

***

“friendship is the only cure for hatred, the only guarantee of peace.”
― Gautama Buddha

An update regarding the guy from the last post:  In a very strange twist he and I have become closer.  I canceled the weekend, we talked about it, he understood, and I thought I would never hear from him again.  The very next day he calls me and asks me if I was angry with him and never wanted to talk to him again.  Again we talked for a long time and we agreed to continue to talk and to continue to be 100% honest with each other.  We have not met again as I am very busy and so he is, and then there is the snow, etc, but we are supposed to meet for dinner one of these days.

We talk every day, we make each other laugh.  In a weird way I feel I can trust him more than some other people.  I appreciate that he was honest with me.  I respect that he didn’t try to change my mind.  He said it was a non-issue and that it was fine if I was not interested, end of the story. He also said that he only brought it up because I had mentioned that I wanted to experience things and be more open and free. My excuse for that kind of talk is that we had a very long awesome date, I had had a couple of cocktails and wine, and I have  my 49th birthday looming in my mind. So I was high on life and feeling the urgency of living.  I feel the time to be crazy is now or never.  I was feeling very courageous and adventurous. He said that he thought since he hasn’t done that in a long time he thought it would be perfect.  I now learned that I have to be careful with what I say. My definition of being crazy is clearly very different than his.  Crazy for me is having 3 drinks, dancing on the table and making out on the first date.

(I am writing his and mine conversation not to excuse him or make his offer okay.  Drugs are still not okay in my book, but I have to recognize that I have played a part in leading him on in that conversation.  That night I was definitely writing checks that my ass couldn’t probably ever cash!!)

“We’re all islands shouting lies to each other across seas of misunderstanding.” ― Rudyard Kipling, The Light That Failed

Perhaps I am flirting with disaster with continuing this friendship or perhaps I am testing the possibility that 2 people with opposing views in a subject can actually become close friends.  Whatever it is, I decided that this was not grounds to stop talking to him. In a way I have to thank him for:

  • making me more aware of how my words and actions can send people mixed signals
  • making me realize that appearances can be deceiving
  • making me realize that even though I am older and wiser I can still be susceptible and weak to certain things

Only time can tell what this friendship will bring…

“Whenever you are confronted with an opponent. Conquer him with love.” ― Mahatma Gandhi