Who am I?

16 Thursday Jan 2020

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“We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves.” – Dalai Lama XIV

Sometimes I am not me.  Or perhaps I just don’t know who I am.

Sometimes I have negative thoughts and I admonish myself: You are so positive, that is not you!
Sometimes I am angry and I admonish myself: Anger is fruitless, that is not you!
Sometimes I am petty and I admonish myself: Be the bigger person, that is not you!
Sometimes I want to exact revenge and I admonish myself: Turn the other cheek, that is not you!                                                                                Sometimes I catch myself being judgmental and I admonish myself: Who are you to judge? That is not you.                                                                          Sometimes I am sad and admonish myself: Happiness is a choice, choose it always!                                                                                          Sometimes I make a mistake and I admonish myself:  Pay more attention, that is not you!

Sometimes I look in the mirror and I don’t recognize myself.  Where is the beautiful face that was there a second ago? At this moment I see the accumulation of years gone by.

Sometimes I step on the scale and the number that flashes back at me is not me.  Why is an additional pound terrifying?

Who am I? Am I the face in the mirror?  Am I the pounds on the scale?  Am I the mistakes made? Am I sad, bad, vengeful, petty, judgmental?

Sometimes I am someone I don’t recognize.  Sometimes I am someone I don’t like.

“if you want to live an authentic, meaningful life, you need to master the art of disappointing and upsetting others, hurting feelings, and living with the reality that some people just won’t like you. It may not be easy, but it’s essential if you want your life to reflect your deepest desires, values, and needs.” – Cheryl Richardson

My aim is to make peace with myself even though I didn’t even know that there was a war going on.  It is one of those silent deadly disturbances, that at first is barely noticeable, then it just explodes. I don’t want an explosion.  So I am choosing to embrace it all.

I am good but I can be bad. I can be sad, angry, fat, etc.  I am allowed to be all those things.  The moment I remove the power from all that I think I am not allowed to be,  it no longer owns me.  It no longer torments me! I don’t have to try to be perfect.  I can just be.  I can just be me!

I am everything.  At the end of the day I am the mistakes and the lessons.  I am what went right and what went wrong. I am the negative thoughts that highlight a worry.  I am the angry child that needs understanding.  I am the pettiness that needs attention.  I am the vengeful being that is hurt. I am the extra pound, the sagging and the mistakes. I disappoint myself sometimes.

I am not what I used to be.  I am not who I thought I should be.  I allowing myself to be imperfect and to fail.  I am forgiving myself.

Who am I?

I still don’t know but I am allowing myself the the space and the freedom to find out. I am still grateful, full of love to give and worthy of receiving love.  Life is still an unbelievable trip!

Above all, I am blessed! ♥♥♥

“One of the basic rules of the universe is that nothing is perfect. Perfection simply doesn’t exist.  Without imperfection, neither you nor I would exist” – Stephen Hawking

 

Who you are – Jessie J.

I stare at my reflection in the mirror
Why am I doing this to myself?
Losing my mind on a tiny error,
I nearly left the real me on the shelf
No, no, no, no
Don’t lose who you are, in the blur of the stars
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
It’s okay not to be okay
Sometimes it’s hard, to follow your heart
Tears don’t mean you’re losing, everybody’s bruising,
Just be true to who you are
Brushing my hair, do I look perfect?
I forgot what to do to fit the mold, yeah
The more I try the less it’s working, yeah,
‘Cause everything inside me screams, no, no, no, no, yeah
Don’t lose who you are, in the blur of the stars
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing
It’s okay not to be okay
Sometimes it’s hard, to follow your heart
But tears don’t mean you’re…

Moving, at any speed, but moving

12 Sunday Jan 2020

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” I long to accomplish a great and noble task, but it is my chief duty to accomplish small tasks as if they were great and noble.” – Helen Keller

The year had a slow start for me.  I guess I had unreasonable expectations for the beginning of the new year.  It is like I expected to wake up in the first day of the new year and magically everything made sense, work magically became less stressful and I again started exercising daily at 5am.

The truth was not even close.  I didn’t magically become this dynamo of motivation and energy.

Work is now even more stressful.  I continue toying with the idea of making a change, working part-time or even quitting. (but I am realistic also)

I haven’t been sleeping through the night in a couple of months (I blame hot flashes),  so even though I wake up in time to exercise I can’t make myself get up and go.

10 days into the new year I realize that I need to get going or I will spend the whole year just dreaming and planning to get things done but not really doing anything.  It is  not magic or wishful thinking but hard work that makes one succeed.

A new day on the calendar doesn’t mean a miraculous new beginning, but it does present a magical chance to start over.  Nothing can be done about yesterday, but today is all mine to get stuff done.

“Don’t judge each day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds you plant.” – Robert Louis Stevenson

I am snapping out of this stupor that I have been on the last couple of months and get going.  I have taken some baby steps and here they are:

  • Flooring.  I am finally getting the floor of my bedroom done after being stuck in indecision and overthinking.  I went to Home Depot and chose the color and material it in 5 minutes.  The color chosen is below.  Feeling accomplished!

  • Walton Oak Lifeproof vinyl plank

  • Unclogged pipes. After spending months with bathtubs and sinks draining slowly and waiting for the plumber to get back to me, my sister returned from the grocery store with a Drano kit that comes with a plastic snake. I laughed at it, but I was proven wrong. This plastic snake cleaned years of dirt, hair, and other gunk.  It worked like magic. No more waiting for plumbers to get back to me.  Feeling powerful!

  • Drano with snake

  • Mosaics. I love working with them but I keep waiting for the right time and place to continue developing this craft. I was going to rent a studio, then decided against spending the money.  I finally found a place to learn and work with mosaics.  I just sent them an email and I am waiting for the class/workshop times.   I am so excited to get back to that passion.

  • Flowers and Butterflies

  • Dating.  After months of not feeling motivated to be dating or talking to anyone online, this week I finally logged in and chatted to a couple of nice (hopefully) people.  While I still didn’t schedule any dates I feel ready to get back to it.  Feeling fun and hopeful again.
  • Exercising.  I am still not exercising in the morning but I am doing something every evening even if it is just dancing to a few song or some lunges and squats.

I am so far from where I wanted to be or thought I should be at this moment in time. All I have to say is that I am aiming for movement.  Whatever I can do not to feel stuck. One step at a time,  one day at a time. I will get there.

Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid only of standing still. – Confucius

2020: New Year, same plans

01 Wednesday Jan 2020

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“Hope smiles from the threshold of the year to come,
Whispering ‘it will be happier’…”
― Alfred Lord Tennyson

A New Year is upon us.  It feels like 2019 just barely started and it is already over. What have I done in 2019?  What have I accomplished?   If I were to take inventory of 2019 I don’t think I would like the results.  I am older, achier, exhausted.

The idea that I wasted a whole year is just grim.  With that in mind, should I go through the motions of creating new plans and resolutions for 2020 that I know I will never follow through with them?

I think that what I need to do is to start finishing off old projects and following my passions.  Here are some of them:

  • Ski more– at least I went to Colorado in the beginning of December, need to go again before the end of the season
  • Learn French – I do know a lot words and was able to make some small talk, but have not continued studying, so I lost it all.  Need to pick it up again and not let go
  • Fix my hip issues – Attempted to work on it, but didn’t care for what the doctor suggested.  I need to choose another route instead of just doing nothing
  • Lose weight – the eternal drama that gets worst with age as metabolism slows down.  Looking at pictures from prior years I realize that I was not really fat when I thought I was fat.  Message here:  Enjoy the now! We are never as bad as we think we are. So let’s love and accept ourselves NOW!
  • Start doing mosaics again – One of my passions.  Had to pack up my stuff when my sister moved in.  I thought about renting a studio to work on them.  My realtor found me a cheap place, but even at $850.00 I still cannot see myself investing that much per month on a hobby. Need to try to look for lessons again.
  • Read more – Finish all the books that I have started. I have at least 20 books that have been started. I hear of a subject, an author, I buy the book, I read 1 page, put it aside and move on to the next.  My sister and I decided to do a book club.  Book club of 2, but at least that way we are both forced to finish a book.

What projects do you intend to start or finish in 2020?

“I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes.

Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You’re doing things you’ve never done before, and more importantly, you’re Doing Something.

So that’s my wish for you, and all of us, and my wish for myself. Make New Mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody’s ever made before. Don’t freeze, don’t stop, don’t worry that it isn’t good enough, or it isn’t perfect, whatever it is: art, or love, or work or family or life.

Whatever it is you’re scared of doing, Do it.

Make your mistakes, next year and forever.”
― Neil Gaiman

************

“No one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of another.”
― Charles Dickens

At the end of the year I choose some charities to donate to.  I try to choose causes that are close to my heart, such as Education, Homelessness, Children and the Elderly.

I always donate to theses 3:

Along with those I always donate to some GoFund causes as I come across them.  They normally involve children or injustice.

I also alternate donating to some of the following:

This year I was helping out another local church with their soup kitchen until I suspected that my donations were being misused.  I am in search of another local place to help throughout the year.

I normally check https://www.charitynavigator.org/ for ideas and reviews on charities.

What causes/charities are close to your heart?

“Help others without any reason and give without the expectation of receiving anything in return.”― Roy T. Bennett

I WISH YOU ALL LOVE AND LIGHT! MAY 2020 BE MAGICAL!

THANK YOU FOR YOUR KINDNESS AND LOVE IN 2019!

New Rochelle: The Queen City of the Sound

20 Friday Dec 2019

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“Progress always involves risk; you can’t steal second base and keep your foot on first.” ― F.W. Dupee

New Rochelle, the city I live at, is growing by leaps and bounds.  The jury is still out if that is a good or bad thing.

This is part of a project initiated in 2015 to revitalize the downtown area.  The mayor just been reelected so it seems most of the population (at least of the voting population) are on board with his plans.

There will be apartment buildings, hotels, storefronts, etc.  The new buildings will provide an additional 6,000 rental units.  We are just 30 minutes from Manhattan so the idea is to attract the people that work there but don’t want to pay NY City rent prices to live there.

I hope that the infrastructure will be able to handle all this growth.  More people means more traffic, more pollution, perhaps more crime, among other issues that a larger population brings.

“The acknowledgement of a single possibility can change everything.”
― Aberjhani,

To quote Mayor Noam Bramson: “In 2019, New Rochelle is a growing city — growing faster than almost any other in New York State — with the most ambitious downtown development plan in the entire Hudson Valley, with a plan that is attracting unprecedented investment, bringing life and energy to our city’s center, from the street-front to the skyline”.

To achieve all that the mayor has promised to quickly approve any projects that are presented. And he has, click here http://www.101010nr.com/ and you can see all the buildings going up and their progress.  There are over 20 buildings.

New Rochelle is already diverse and artsy, but I am hoping for even more culture, more art exhibits, new restaurants, stores and entertainment in general.  Unfortunately just this week 2 restaurants have closed down and there are many retail spaces that have been vacant for years. I am trying to remain optimistic that all that will change with the arrival of more people.

“People who want a cure, provided they can have it without pain, are like those who favour progress, provided they can have it without change.”― Anthony de Mello 

In keeping with being more cultural, several murals have been painted around downtown.  They were the result of a SAM- Street Art for Mankind project.  They are a really cool non-profit organization.  Check it out: https://streetartmankind.org/about/

I only have pictures of the 3 murals that are right next to my building (all posted here).  If you want to see the others you can check them out here: https://streetartmankind.org/nrny/?doing_wp_cron=1576782329.6356120109558105468750


In 2018 New Rochelle was one of 9 cities nationwide to win $1 million from Bloomberg Philanthropies U.S. Mayors Challenge.  New Rochelle won with the idea of improving development projects by using virtual reality to better illustrate proposed projects to the residents.   Sao Paulo, the city where I come from in Brazil was also a winner in 2016.

To check out other winners: https://mayorschallenge.bloomberg.org/bold-ideas/

“Are you open-minded? If not, leave the door open to it.” ― Frank Sonnenberg, Soul Food: Change your Thinking, Change Your Life

Another project that the city of New Rochelle is trying out is free electric shuttles in the downtown area.  You can flag them as they pass by or there is an app and you can request them.  I haven’t tried them yet but I love the idea. https://www.newrochelleny.com/circuitnr

 

And there you have it: a glimpse of some of what is going on in my city.

By the way,  New Rochelle is nicknamed Queen City of the Sound because of its shoreline.  So sound as in ocean inlet and not noise.

“Restlessness is discontent — and discontent is the first necessity of progress. Show me a thoroughly satisfied man — and I will show you a failure.”― Thomas A. Edison

Vacation? NO! just work postponement

12 Thursday Dec 2019

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I came back from my vacation and I am a bit overwhelmed.  It was not the right time for me to go away; but then again it is never the right time to leave.  I am glad I booked ahead of time so I had to go.

Vacations have a price. And I am not talking about airfare, hotel, etc.  I am talking about the price you pay when you come back.  The unpacking, the getting caught up with work, the getting a routine back.  Getting life back to normal is hard.

But I digress, let me relive my days in Winter Park, Colorado by telling you about it:

Day 1, Tuesday: Travel day. I left LaGuardia airport at 8 am. After the flight and a 1 and a half hour van ride I walked into the Zephyr Mountain Lodge at 3:30 pm. After leaving my bags in the room I went to get my skis for the next day.  I have my own boots and helmet, but I rent the skis.

Zephyr Lodge

Day 2, Wednesday:  I woke up late.  It is great not having to wake up with an alarm clock, specially since I haven’t been sleeping well lately.  At 10 am I finally stepped on the snow.  After dreaming about it for the past 2 years it felt amazing.  I was so grateful for everything, for nature, for being able to go.  I was surprised that I did better than I expected.

Beautiful sunny day

Day 3, Thursday: I woke up with a beautiful, majestic snow falling. It was magnificent and awe-inspiring! But I must confess, it was inspiring me to stay indoors.  I considered not going skiing.  I considered the cold, it felt so cozy inside.  I considered the hassle of the equipment, the heavy boots, the skis.  I considered that pang of fear creeping in.  I considered just staying in the room and watching the snow showers from my window.  After all, no one would know.

“My ambition is handicapped by laziness” -― Charles Bukowski, Factotum

But of course I would know. It took a couple of hours for me to talk myself into going out. I am so glad I did! I had an amazing time. I skied until they were closing at 4 pm. I am so glad I didn’t let the voices inside my head win and keep me from being on the snow.

I don’t have to be perfect or do well.  I just have to get out there and do what I love!

Warm inside, snowing outside

Day 4, Friday: I take lessons every time I go skiing, but this time I had decided that what I really needed was more time on skis.  But after having such a great day the day before I decided to take a lesson.  I am so glad I did.  My instructor’s name was Joy, she was older and absolutely the best.  She gave me good tips and pointed it out exactly what I was doing wrong.

There were two other women in the group.  One of them is a snowboard instructor that needed to learn to ski well to be able to teach both sports.  The other was a mother that wanted to be able to ski with her kids.  We were all in the same ability level so it worked out great.

That was the day I skied the best.  I always do better when I have a teacher/instructor with me. I guess I always want to impress them.  I also think that by following them and what they are doing I forget to pay attention on me and I am able to just let go.

Skiing is letting it all go and letting the body do what it wants to do: go down the mountain.  Without trying to fight it.  I spend a lot time fighting both, my body and mind.

Another beautiful day

Day 5, Saturday: The last skiing day. I started out well. At 12 pm I stopped at Sunspot on the top of the mountain to take a break and drink something.

I saw two women looking for a table and offered to share mine with them.  They were from Atlanta and were attending a friend’s party that weekend. We talked non-stop for over an hour. I had already been sitting at the table  awhile before they joined me, which meant that I sat there for about two hours.

“The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts, while the stupid ones are full of confidence.” – Charles Bukowski

I think that I sat too long and by the time I went back out there I just didn’t do as well as the other days.  I felt out of control.  It seemed my left leg didn’t want to respond to my commands.  I decided to cut it short and stopped at 3 pm instead of staying until 4 pm.

Sunspot: Lunch spot on the mountain

Day 6, Sunday: It was the day to leave.  I woke up at 4:30 am to be ready for the van at 5 pm to take me to the airport. My flight was at 10:52 pm. I landed on JFK at 4:30 pm.  Uneventful flight.  Uneventful day.

Overall I had a great time.  I only missed enjoying the restaurants.  Since I really wanted to focus on skiing this time I didn’t make arrangements to meet any dates.  When I got there I wished I had. I attempted to connect with people online but ended up connecting with someone that was in Aspen, which is way too far from Winter Park to be able to meet on the spur of the moment.

We are still communicating so perhaps there is a trip to Aspen in my future. I have been so impatient with dating lately.  Perhaps it is true that menopause means “Men on Pause”.  I certainly have been on pause way too long and the hot flashes just started.  Is this the end?

Going back to the trip, besides skiing I got a massage, took walks into town, and soaked in the tub while watching movies. I relaxed and forgot about work.

We all need days where we can do whatever we want.  When we sleep at any time, wake up at any time.  No pressure, no deadlines.  Those were those days.

Meeting a local

It renewed my love for skiing. For the challenge of it. For the beauty of it.  It renewed my love for nature.  Nature is so beautiful and inspiring. I am always in awe of this world around us.

Huge snowy mountains reminds me of how small  and insignificant I am.  At the same time it makes me feel powerful and capable of all…if that makes any sense.  It also makes me feel incredibly grateful.  Grateful for life! Grateful for the ability to enjoy its gifts! Grateful for each unique moment!

Now back to reality, but also back to planning the next trip.  Life is beautiful if not only for us to run after the next challenge. To brave new worlds, to get on planes, trains, trails, to brave fears.

What is that one thing that terrifies you and also make you feel so incredibly alive? Skiing is my poison!  What is yours?

View from inside Sunspot

“If you’re going to try, go all the way. Otherwise, don’t even start. This could mean losing girlfriends, wives, relatives and maybe even your mind. It could mean not eating for three or four days. It could mean freezing on a park bench. It could mean jail. It could mean derision. It could mean mockery–isolation. Isolation is the gift. All the others are a test of your endurance, of how much you really want to do it. And, you’ll do it, despite rejection and the worst odds. And it will be better than anything else you can imagine. If you’re going to try, go all the way. There is no other feeling like that. You will be alone with the gods, and the nights will flame with fire. You will ride life straight to perfect laughter. It’s the only good fight there is.”
― Charles Bukowski, Factotum

Skiing: I am making it my business

03 Tuesday Dec 2019

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“To venture causes anxiety, but not to venture is to lose one’s self…. And to venture in the highest is precisely to be conscious of one’s self.”― Søren Kierkegaard

Weather permitting, tomorrow morning I will be on my way to Winter Park, Colorado.  Fingers crossed.

I am so excited for this trip.  I cannot wait to experience the majesty, beauty and freedom of a snowy mountain. I am looking forward to skiing again.  Skiing is very challenging to me, and that is another reason why I love it so much.  It doesn’t come easy to me. My body fights me every step of the way.

Today, a co-worker/friend jokingly said to me: “Ana, you have no business going skiing!”  I know it sounds bad, but I didn’t take offense.  He is a good person that would never say anything to hurt me.  He was just pointing out the obvious.  He knows about my issues with hip, back and collarbone pains.

Still what he said got me thinking.   I think I take pleasure in doing things that “I have no business doing”.  That is probably one of the attractions for me.  All my Brazilian friends are horrified that I rather be on a cold mountain instead of a hot beach.  I like beaches too, but given the choice I choose the cold mountain.

Then there is the fact that I am going alone.  So perhaps this whole trip is a bit crazy but isn’t the crazy moments in life the best?  Who is to say what is my business and what is not?

I have a lot thoughts about that and want to expand on it, but it is 11pm and I have to get up at 4am to catch my flight.

I also wanted to write about fear.  Skiing scares me, and yet entices me so much. What is fear?

I gotta run and will be back here soon.  Is anyone in Winter Park or near?

Go and do something that you have no business doing, but want to do it!

“Why do you go away? So that you can come back. So that you can see the place you came from with new eyes and extra colors. And the people there see you differently, too. Coming back to where you started is not the same as never leaving.”― Terry Pratchett

 

Finding gratitude in everything is the key to a happy life!

28 Thursday Nov 2019

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“Walk as if you are kissing the Earth with your feet.” – ― Thich Nhat Hanh

This post is about gratitude and yet I was about to start complaining about all that is going wrong at the moment.   At this very moment I realize that nothing is really going wrong.  All is going as it is supposed to be going.  Problems and all. Headaches and all.

There is no wrong.  Everything is right.

Reminder to myself:  There are no problems, only opportunities.  It is up to me to welcome those opportunities and to figure out how to best use them; or how to learn from them.

In the last few months it seems I have misplaced my rose colored glasses.  My life is the same, with the same issues.  The difference is that I have been noticing them more and complaining more about it. My reaction to what is happening is what has changed.

It is time to stop.  Complaining doesn’t become me.  It also doesn’t solve anything.  It only serves to make me feel like a victim and to invite more negative energy.  It is about time to put the rose colored glasses back on.

“We can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorns have roses.”― Alphonse Karr

The best way to look at life is with gratitude.  Gratitude creates a positive energy that permeates throughout all areas of my life.

This Thanksgiving I am reminding myself to be more grateful.  I am reminding myself of old me, positive and optimist no matter what.

Thanksgiving should be a daily prayer and not only a day in the year.

Problems are oftentimes wake-up calls.  They are the signal that perhaps we need to change directions.  My body is signaling that I have been neglecting areas that I need to look at.  

Some times if we are left to our own devices we just go, go, go, on 1 speed, not paying attention, not respecting our bodies and our limits.  We also get used to dysfunction, we adjust instead of changing.

“Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.” – Rumi

So this Thanksgiving I am grateful for all the problems and challenges I faced this year.  I am fully aware that they offer me a big chance for reflection and growth, so with that thought in mind I welcome and look forward to many more.

If I look back at my life what I believe are the 2 most important things are: gratitude and hard work.  So I will continue working hard with a grateful heart and the whole universe will continue to conspire to give me all that I dream about it.  Actually the result is more often much more than we can possibly dream about it.

On this Thanksgiving day I am grateful for this blog and most specially to you my friends that read and comment with so much wisdom and generosity of heart.  You make my blog and my life so much better.  You really do!!

I wish you a beautiful holiday!  May you be surrounded by all you love!

“Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.”― Epicurus

Bye bye sleep. Hello hot flashes

23 Saturday Nov 2019

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“For age is opportunity no less
Than youth itself, though in another dress,
And as the evening twilight fades away
The sky is filled with stars, invisible by day.”
― Henry Wadsworth Longfellow 

My sister has been having hot flashes for a couple of years now.  I thought I was the lucky twin that had been spared.

Sadly I I find out I am not.  I am just late to that party.  This week I started feeling sudden flashes of heat that seem to start inside my chest and go up my body.

I should be happy to see an end to menstrual cycles, but I am not.  To me it is just another sign that I am getting older and older.  I don’t want to grew older!

I am watching my parents getting older and lose a lot of themselves.  They are lucky they my siblings and I to care for them.  Who do I have?  Well, that is another story, another post.

Back to getting hot, and I don’t mean excited …

During the night it has been a constant struggle with the covers. I pull the blanket off,  I put the blanket back on, over and over again.  That makes me wake up and then I have trouble going back to sleep.

I am also having some lapses in memory, having trouble thinking of names or things that I was about to say or do.

Instead of losing the 10 pounds I wanted to, I gained 10 pounds in the space of a couple of weeks – all around my now non-existent waist.

Is this all related to Menopause? the joys of getting older?

Now add the vertigo to that.  It has gotten better but still makes an appearance every morning and night.

Yes I have been feeling like a prize lately 😦

“I feel thin, sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread.”
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

DATING:  Dating? What is that?  I am not sure what is going on with me as far as dating is concerned.  I lack the patience for it, that is what I can surmise.  I am making zero effort online to connect with anyone.  Let’s face it,  online dating requires effort and patience and at the moment I am lacking on those departments.

WORK:  I have been facing a lot decisions at work and the fear of making the wrong decision is almost paralyzing.  Constant prayers for wisdom!

“I am incapable of conceiving infinity, and yet I do not accept finity. I want this adventure that is the context of my life to go on without end.”
― Simone de Beauvoir ,  La Vieillesse

This has been a cry baby post, so please forgive me.  The next one will be better.  It will be about my skiing trip that is coming up.  I am getting very excited for it. 🙂 ♥

Life is beautiful and I am blessed!

All good, a bit bad and lots of fun

17 Sunday Nov 2019

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“How would your life be different if…You were conscious about the food you ate, the people you surround yourself with, and the media you watch, listen to, or read? Let today be the day…You pay attention to what you feed your mind, your body, and your life. Create a nourishing environment conducive to your growth and well-being today.”― Steve Maraboli

Biopsies: All good.  The doctor called me on Friday with the good news. The biopsies came back negative.  Even though I already knew that;  it is still a relief to hear it directly from her.  I can now stop with the thoughts of doom.

Vertigo: I have been having another bout of Vertigo for the past 2 weeks.  I had it in the beginning of 2018 and it went away after a couple of days, but this time it has been a bit more persistent.   I am not even sure it is vertigo. People that have Vertigo normally have nausea and headaches along with the dizziness.  I don’t.

What I have is the sensation that the room is spinning every time I move my head fast, specially when I lay down or get up.  Every morning and night, and throughout the day.

I had a physical yesterday and the doctor said it is hard to pinpoint a cause for that.  His first guess would be rhinitis.  He said that any kind of cold and stuffy nose can affect the balance. He wants me to use Flonase or another allergy relief medication for a couple of weeks and see if it gets better.

It is getting better on its own everyday so I will not be using Flonase.  If it gets worse again or returns in the future I will probably go to an Neuro or ENT doctor.

I think it is my body telling me things are not quite right.  It started with the chronic hives a couple of years ago, now vertigo.  At 53 years old I am sure hormones have something to do with it, but I am sure that diet has a big part in it.  It is time to pay more attention to my body’s cries for help.

It is time to make changes.  But I have said all that before …

“The chains of habit are too weak to be felt until they are too strong to be broken.” – Samuel Johnson

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I have decided to try to do more things in Manhattan.  I want to make sure to take advantages all this amazing city has to offer.  So on that note my sister and I went to see the musical Tootsie this past week.

It was a fun show.  It had beautiful wardrobe,  clever setting, funny lines and wonderful acting.  I was reminded of how much I loved the movie.  I want to see it again, along with other Dustin Hoffman’s movies.  Growing up I had a crush on him.

“Take advantage of it now, while you are young, and suffer all you can, because these things don’t last your whole life.” ― Gabriel García Márquez, Love in the Time of Cholera

 

Refreshing honesty with a side of warm bread

12 Tuesday Nov 2019

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Finding Me

≈ 20 Comments

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“Shame was an emotion he had abandoned years earlier. Addicts know no shame. You disgrace yourself so many times you become immune to it.” ― John Grisham, The Testament

It is 6am Sunday. The fire alarm in my building starts sounding. I knew there was no fire. Well, I didn’t know for sure but I assumed. The alarm has been malfunctioning and has been going off at times. So, by now, no one cares, which is scary because if there is really ever a fire no one is coming out alive.

Since the alarm was not stopping and we were already up my sister and I decided to go to the supermarket to look for the brown bread from the Cheesecake Factory. I love bread and one of the reasons I love going to the Cheesecake Factory is because of their brown bread served at the beginning of every meal.

Warm bread with butter it my version of paradise. I had heard from a friend that the Cheesecake Factory’s bread was now being sold in some supermarkets.  It seemed like the perfect time to go bread hunting.

To go exercise never came to mind 😦

We get there and as we are walking in I pass a man arranging a bag of cans to recycle. I catch up with my sister that was ahead of me and I mentioned that I felt bad for the man and wondered if he needed anything. She hadn’t noticed him and immediately felt bad. She said: go ask.

I turned around and went outside and approached him. He was on the younger side but it was hard to tell his age as life on the streets has a way of aging people beyond their years. I assumed that he was homeless and lived in a shelter because he had a cart with his belongings with him.

I approached him and said hi. He turned around looking a bit surprised. I asked how he was doing and he answered: good.

I said: I am going to do some shopping. Is there anything you need? Can I get you anything?

I thought he would say coffee, or something along those lines, but he replied with one word:

Beer

Beer? I asked, I am sure looking very surprised. He replied: Yes, I could use some beer now.

I said: It is only 6:30am, they aren’t selling beer yet.

I actually didn’t know if that was true or not, but I was not about to buy him alcohol.

He looked at his watch and agreed with me.

I asked him if I could get him something else and he said: No, that was all I wanted.

I wished him well and said good bye.

Later I checked and found out that grocery stores in NY state are not allowed to sell alcohol on Sundays from 3 am to 12 noon.

I appreciated his honesty. He didn’t try to get me to give him cash or get me to buy things he didn’t want. I pray he is able to fight his demons and come out victorious.

I found the brown bread and it was divine. Why must bread be public enemy number 1? I guess I do love bad boys after all… and by “boys” I mean food.

That man in the parking lot sorting cans is me. His weakness is alcohol, mine is carbs. Hard to say no. Hard to remember to say no.  Vicious cycle of blindly doing, feeling guilty, then doing it again to silence the guilt.

He has work to do and so do I.

“We are addicted to our thoughts. We cannot change anything if we cannot change our thinking.”― Santosh Kalwar