Category Archives: Daily Life

Wanting a boyfriend on this Valentine’s Day!

14 Wednesday Feb 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“You may be lonely in St. Valentine’s Day, but you must know that love is like an air, it is everywhere! You shall find it in any day and anywhere!” – Mehmet Murat Ildan

I was talking to my sister about Valentine’s Day.  She just started living in the US this year so the concept of Valentine’s Day is new to her.  In Brazil we have Dia dos Namorados, which is often translated as Lover’s Day, but literally means Day of Boyfriend/Girlfriend.  It is on June 12 and it is meant only for people that are in a romantic relationship.

I said to her that I wanted to write a post about Valentine’s Day, but I didn’t want to write one of those posts about dating and loving yourself.  She said: Write about that.  Write about not wanting to write about that.

So here it is: I will not write about dating and loving myself on this Valentine’s Day. I feel it is somewhat expected that someone so positive and single like me would write something like that.

I don’t want to tout here that if you are single you should be loving and dating yourself today.  You should be loving yourself every day.  If you don’t, start now and every day going forward.  Don’t wait until Valentine’s Day to realize that you can have fun by yourself and treat yourself.

If you can’t first love yourself you will never be ready to love someone else and you will never attract good loving people into your life.

My truth is that I want a boyfriend and I wish I had one today and every day.

No, I am not depressed or feeling sad.  I am actually very happy with the way my life is right now.  Things are the way they are supposed to be.  I have to be and I am ok with not having a boyfriend at the moment because I know the right person will eventually come.  There is no need to rush things or to be with the wrong person.  Given a choice of alone or with the wrong person, I will take alone any day.

I love myself but I don’t want to date myself, especially on Valentine’s Day. I am not going to fool myself with special treats.  I don’t need that.  I already treat myself often.  I get myself flowers every week, I get massages, I get chocolates (too often), I go to dinners, etc, any time my heart desires. Yes, I do spoil myself.  I don’t deprive myself of anything I really want.

If I made a point of doing anything special today to me it would be a charade.   I don’t want to come up with some gimmicky ploy to feel better on Valentine’s Day.   It is what it is, and it is perfectly okay to be alone.

Being single is okay.  Being single and happy is great.  Being single, happy and wanting not to be single is okay too.   I much rather be in a loving relationship and celebrate it with that person than being single today and any other day.

My boyfriend for now is still a thought in my mind, a song in my heart, a twinkle in my eye, a rainbow in the sky.  He will come.  I have faith.  If he doesn’t it is okay but I will not sit here and pretend that today, of all days, I don’t wish he was already here.

On a second thought, how about going out of your way to send love to someone else that is alone today?

Thinking of love and the love that will eventually come I leave everyone with these awesome words by another one of my favorite poets:  Kahlil Gibran.

When love beckons to you, follow him, though his ways are hard and steep. And when
his wings enfold you, yield to him, though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.

And when he speaks to you believe in him, though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden. For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you.

Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning. Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun, so shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself. He threshes you to make you naked. He sifts you to free you from your husks. He grinds you to whiteness. He kneads you until you are pliant; and then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God’s sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life’s heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love’s peace and love’s pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love’s threshing-floor into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself. Love possesses not nor
would it be possessed, for love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, “God is in my heart,” but rather, “I am in the heart of God. And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself. But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:

To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love’s ecstasy.
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

― Kahlil Gibran, Le Prophète

 

Walk with Me, mindfully

11 Sunday Feb 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, documentaries, Finding Me

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“Waking up this morning, I smile. Twenty-four brand new hours are before me. I vow to live fully in each moment and to look at all beings with eyes of compassion.” Thich Nhat Hanh

I just watched “Walk With Me”, a documentary narrated by Benedict Cumberbatch.  I loved him in Sherlock Holmes, so it was interesting hearing his voice in a different setting.

The film centers around the teachings of Thich Nhat Hanh, a Buddhist monk that has written many books about mindfulness and peace. It shows glimpses of the lives  of the monks and nuns that live at Plum Village and dedicate their entire lives to mindfulness.

Plum Village is a Buddhist meditation center located in the South of France.  That is also where Thich Nhat Hanh lives and teaches. The center offers retreats and workshops for individuals and families.

If I had to choose only one word to describe the documentary, unfortunately,  that word would be “uneven”.  I was hoping for inspiring, deep, meaningful, life changing, mind altering, but unfortunately I think that I, once again, approached something with so much expectation that it left me disappointed.

It had great moments, but the moments seemed a bit disconnected.  I will not describe the moments I liked here so I do not spoil it for anyone intending to watch it. I do recommend it that people watch it as it does offer some moments of contemplation.

When the first few lines appeared on the screen it hit me, it spoke to my core.  I couldn’t help but to be filled with expectations:

“I know what it is to get angry, and I know the pleasure of being praised.
I am often on the verge of tears or laughter,
But beneath of these emotions, what else is there?
How can I touch it?
If there isn’t anything…
why would I be so certain that there is?

I searched it and found out that it is from his book “Fragrant Palm Leaves”.  It is based on his journals from 1962 through 1966.  I just ordered it and plan on devouring it as soon as I get it.

Back to the documentary, I expected a journey into mindfulness, but it seemed to have never picked up momentum. The train never really left the station for me.

Looking back, I don’t think I watched the documentary as mindful as I should have been.  I kept expecting a big aha moment.  I was not watching it in the moment, I was watching it expecting the next moment.  The next moment never came.

Perhaps that is the lesson that I should carry with me: less expectations.  Be in the moment, in the very moment.  Welcome the moment.  Have no expectations of that moment.   Let the moment wash over you as a fresh rain, take it in, get wet.

“When another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself, and his suffering is spilling over. He does not need punishment; he needs help. That’s the message he is sending.”  Thich Nhat Hanh

When things don’t go as planned

09 Friday Feb 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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What do I do when things don’t go according to plan?

“He that can have patience can have what he will.” – Benjamin Franklyn

What a difference a few days make.  When I started working on this post it was going to be a totally different post.  It was going to be about disappointment, feeling defeated and giving up.

Now, a few days removed from all the disappointment , I have a complete different view on the situation.

I was working on a side project at work that I was sure was going to be amazing.  This was not anything I had to do or part of my job, but it was something that I envisioned would make some functions more efficient at work.

I didn’t tell anyone I was working on this so I don’t have to explain or justify anything for anyone.  I think the reason I didn’t tell anyone was that I didn’t want someone to tell me I was reinventing the wheel.  What we have in place at work is working okay but one day some ideas popped into my mind that would make the process so much better.

I started working on it and put a lot time and energy into it. I enjoyed the creative process but what I enjoyed most was thinking that I was coming up with something that was going to be amazing.  I was focused on the results.

“It had long since come to my attention that people of accomplishment rarely sat back and let things happen to them. They went out and happened to things.” – Leonardo da Vinci

I was so sure that it would work!  I would have bet my life on it, that is how sure I was.

Then on January 31 I was able to put it in practice and… to my absolute dismay and shock… it failed.  It failed miserably!  I was crushed!  It was like I had been punched on the stomach.  I tried over and over again and still it failed.

I felt I wasted all my time and energy and had nothing to show for it.  All those hours dedicated to this project could have been put to better use: exercise, fun, learning something knew, sleeping.  I could have used that time to read more blogs and even to find and go on more dates.

I was down in the dumps. I was extremely disappointed. I was so defeated.  My sister got tired of hearing about it. So I stopped talking about it, but I was still thinking about it.

Then I asked myself: What do I do now?  I knew I couldn’t continue brooding and complaining.  I had 2 choices.  1) Give up, forget about it, move on or 2) Try again, look for a different route

The answer was clear:  Snap out of it, and try again!

After licking my wounds and allowing myself to be sad and disappointed for a while I chose to bounce back.

“Men go to far greater lengths to avoid what they fear than to obtain what they desire.”  – Dan Brown

I realize I am not a person that gives up at the first bump on the road.

I realize that I was looking at this momentary defeat completely wrong. This project didn’t fail.  The project is not over.  It did accomplished something.  It showed me a way that it does not work.  Now I just need to find a way to make it work.  I can use that valuable knowledge to tweak a few things and try again.  I am closer than ever to being successful.

I am however taking a break from it all now.  I am not allowing myself to look at it or try anything until a little time has gone by.  I want to go back to it with fresh eyes. Thinking back I see I was too narrow minded and looking at only one aspect of it.  I now see I missed some variables and I already have ideas of how to address those.

This is probably just a test of my determination and commitment level.  How much do I really want it?

At the end of the day it doesn’t matter if I told others about it or not.  I know about it.  At the end of the day I am the only one that counts.

I have all the ingredients required to succeed: desire, determination, commitment, drive and persistence.  There is no reason to give up or to fail.

“Unless commitment is made, there are only promises and hopes; but no plans.” – Peter F. Drucker

Should I go or should I stay?

04 Sunday Feb 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“It does not take much strength to do things, but it requires a great deal of strength to decide what to do.” – Elbert Hubbard

This morning I received a text from Peter.  If you have been following my dating misadventures you know he is the guy that was acting all interested about me and then all of a sudden just faded away.  You can look back to some previous post to get the whole picture.

Here is the text from this morning:

 

It is interesting that he seems to blame the fact that we stopped seeing each other on me.  If one is not aware of the facts it would seem the guy was doing his best and I was not understanding, when that is not the way it is at all.

This is a man that made all kinds of promises.  He said that he worked in the city a few times a week, and he also said he didn’t mind driving to come to my town to see me.  He also had plenty of chances to say that before.  What am I to think or do when he is not making an effort?  There is really only one conclusion:  He was not interested anymore.

Why can’t a man just say that he is not interested anymore?  Why must they play games and use flimsy excuses? Why can’t a person just say: I have changed my mind.  We were just getting to know each other so it is perfectly understandable if either one changes their mind after getting to know each other better.

I replied  to that text saying that I understood it and that I was glad he was okay. I don’t understand it but it is easier to accept than to go back and forth on a subject that no longer matters. It would feel like beating a dead horse…pointless!

He asked me the date of the Opera.  He got the tickets for February 16th so I am not sure why he thinks it is on February 12.  He emailed me the confirmation to print the tickets when he got them so he still has them and can check them himself.  Perhaps that is more game playing on his part.

Impulsive that I am I said I was still going with him, but I am now wondering if I should go.

A side of me says: Go, have fun, why not?  You want to see La Boheme, he had promised you that.  Why should you miss it?

Another side says:  He acted like an —hole, he is still acting like one.  You don’t need him to take you to the opera, you can buy your own tickets any time.  He doesn’t deserve your company and energy.

I have 12 days to decide what to do.  We shall see how I feel by then. So many things can change by then.

“Trust your heart if the seas catch fire, live by love though the stars walk backward.” – E.E.Cummings

One thing I know for sure is that I don’t want anything with him romantically.  Now my doubt is if trying to have a friendship is a good idea or if some people are just not worth of the title of “friend”.

Forgiveness is a necessity not a luxury!

01 Thursday Feb 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” – Mahatma Gandhi

I was talking to a friend the other day and I was shocked at how bitter she still is over something that happened years ago.  She still foams at the mouth anytime she recounts the events.

There is no reason for her to be reliving the past other than hurt and to feel like a victim again.  I guess it feeds something in her, otherwise she wouldn’t be doing it.

I tried telling her to let it go, that holding anger in is only hurting herself.  It only keeps her in the past, not allowing her to move on.

She was not listening.  She said that I couldn’t possibly understand all she went through.  She forgets I do understand. I probably have gone through more, I just choose not to advertise and live in it like she does it.

She also starts talking about how she hopes that that person is suffering now.  There is nothing more unattractive and distasteful to me than vengeance. I don’t understand it.  I don’t see what someone gains with it.

I have stopped trying to reason with her.  Now I just listen when it is unavoidable, and change the subject as soon as possible.

“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.” – Steve Maraboli

Today my message is for her, but since she is not ready to receive perhaps somebody else is, and it also serves as a reminder for myself to look around and see if I am really being as forgiving as I like to think I am.

The harder something is to forgive the more you need to forgive and the freer you will feel when you do it.  Forgiving is a gift you give yourself.  It is not easy but it feels so good.

Is there someone or something in your past that still has a hold on you?  Is there someone that you still think about it and it gets you angry, sad, and overwhelmed every time?

I am one of those people that easily get mad but I am even quicker to forgive.  I consider that a gift.  Most of the time I don’t even remember I was ever mad to begin with.

I believe in redemption, but I also believe in keeping my spirit light without carrying around the baggage and burden of anger and rancor.

Still there are times that even for me is not that simple.  At those times I need help and I pray.

Many of you know that I started this blog out of the pain of a broken heart.  Several years ago I thought I had met Prince Charming and for 3 years he treated me like a Princess.  Then one day I found out he was cheating.  There was no working it out, he didn’t want to.  He just asked me to move out.  Not only was he a cheater he was also an extremely cold human being.

Having the rug pulled out from under me was one of the hardest things I had to go through.  I was calling my sister multiple times a day until one day she said she was worried about my sanity.  At that moment I realized that I had no right to drive anyone else crazy over that.  Instead of calling her I started putting my pain on paper and then on the web, thus this blog was born.

“Behind every beautiful thing, there’s some kind of pain.” – Bob Dylan

At that point I went through all the stages of grief, more than once, and anger was there also. It was a tough period in my life. So I prayed, I prayed and then I prayed some more.

There is one specific prayer that I used and use often.  I use it when someone angers me, hurts me, anytime I see sadness and resentment building up inside me.

I was blessed to have grown up attending Seicho-No-Ie teachings.  Their teachings are about the power of the mind and the power of positive thinking. I am being overly simplistic here so feel free to read more online.  Even though it has been many years since I have studied anything regarding their teachings it is a prayer that I learned there that I turn to time and time again.

Forgiveness Prayer.  (Where it says “you” I normally add the name of the person or event)

“I have forgiven you. You have forgiven me. I have forgiven you. You have forgiven me.
You and I are one in God.
I love you. You love me. I love you. You love me.
You and I are one in God.
I am grateful to you. You are grateful to me. I am grateful to you. You are grateful to me.
You and I are one in God.
There is now no longer any ill feeling between you and me.
I wish you ever increasing happiness in the days to come.”

+++++

“I have forgiven all of these people. I surround each and every one of these people with God’s love. In the same way that I surround every one of these people with God’s love, He too forgives my mistakes. He surrounds me with infinite love.”

+++++

“God forgives you. Therefore, I too forgive you.”

What also helps me it to look at the person as a teacher and at the event as a lesson, as a vessel for my betterment.  I can see now how each experience has made me stronger.  If were not for my Ex I would have never had started this blog and have never encountered so many amazing friends with amazing life stories.  For that alone I would get hurt all over again.  For that I thank him.

“The wound is the place where the light enters you” – Rumi

Also very important is to not forget to forgive ourselves.  We make mistakes, daily, little and big ones.  We say what we didn’t mean to, we gossip, we forget to be nice, etc.  We hurt others.

We need to forgive ourselves also for the part we play in hurting ourselves.   We choose the wrong person to trust, to love, and we get fooled and hurt.

Forgive yourself, you are human and flawed, but you also have a loving heart, a trusting soul, a gentle spirit.  Never admonish yourself for being open to love.  That is one of our greatest gifts, the ability to love.

I am going to open my heart many times, and many times I will feel like a fool.  Many more times I will get hurt and cry.  Still I am going to continue doing it, because not trusting and not loving is not living. And life is too precious a gift to waste.

Forgive, always! Forgive a person, forgive an event, forgive yourself, and move on!

“Forgiveness is not an occasional act, it is a constant attitude.” – Martin Luther King Jr.

 

Allusive, Elusive or Illusive

30 Tuesday Jan 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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“Words can be like X-rays if you use them properly — they’ll go through anything. You read and you’re pierced.”  – Aldous Huxley, Brave New World

Any time an online dating profile makes me go look at a dictionary that is a person that I would like to date.

One of the ways to my heart is definitely through my mind. Intelligence is so attractive.  A way with words is so alluring.  I wouldn’t go as far as to say that I am a sapiosexual.  That is a fairly new term to explain people that are sexually attracted to intelligent people.

I am attracted to the whole package:  smart, funny, inquisitive, among other things.

But if I had to pick just one thing to which to assess a partner, I would choose: The KISS.

That may strike people as funny considering how last short lived romantic interest scored very poorly in that department and I was still interested in him.  Just blame my hopeful self.  I thought I could teach him how to use his tongue.

Thinking back, fresh out of that almost relationship, I realized that I cannot betray the things that are important to me.  Kissing is a big deal to me.  If P. had I tongue I never found out. Unacceptable!!

Do I rather have someone with a way with words or a way with his tongue?

Now I am getting off the point of this post.  Let’s go back to vocabulary before things here gets x-rated.  The post today is not about kissing but about the beauty of words and their meanings.

“I turned silences and nights into words. What was unutterable, I wrote down. I made the whirling world stand still.” – Arthur Rimbaud

This one profile I saw today had the word illusive in it.  The way he used made me think of elusive, which is a word I use a lot.  Then allusive came to mind and I just had to run to the dictionary and get a clear explanation of their meanings.

Here is how the Merriam Webster Dictionary defines these 3 words:

Allusive:

1: an implied or indirect reference especially in literature

  • a poem that makes allusions to classical literature ; also : the use of such references

2: the act of making an indirect reference to something: the act of alluding to something

Elusive:

: tending to  elude: such as

a : tending to evade grasp or pursuit ; elusive prey

b : hard to comprehend or define

c : hard to isolate or identify

Illusive:

: illusory  –

 based on or producing illusion: deceptive

Even though the writer of this profile was not a match for me I wrote him a quick note complimenting him on his well-written profile.  It was so entertaining, deep, smart and funny.  I wish I had written.

I challenged myself to write a sentence using those 3 words.  Here is the result:

My last love interest often alluded to his considerable wealth and our bright future; then he became as elusive as my goal of losing 10 pounds; leading me to conclude that his interest was illusory.

Not sure I have been successful with that sentence, but one thing is certain I aim to improve.  I will add English vocabulary to my French and Latin studies.

“Everybody has talent, but ability takes hard work.” – Michael Jordan

Sisterly love, twin style

28 Sunday Jan 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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“You may be as different as the sun and the moon, but the same blood flows through both your hearts. You need her, as she needs you…”  – George R.R. Martin, A Game of Thrones

Today at 5am I was at JFK airport waiting for my twin sister.  She was here for a few months last year.  At that time we had another friend here, and then my mother, so she was mostly involved in running around with our friend and then being with my mother. Now she is back here to decide if she wants to live here or not.

We shall see what the future holds for her.  I want her to follow her heart and choose what is good for her.

A sister is a built-in best friend, or it should be.  We are extremely close but also extremely critical of each other.  Last year it was the first time we have lived together since we were 17 years old.  It was not all fun and games, but it was not bad either.   It takes some adjustment to live with someone after being alone for several years.  Throw in 2 very strong personalities, add the fact that we are identical twins and you have a balancing act.

I plan on using this time while she is here, however long it last, to grow our friendship in a positive way.  We would kill for each other, but still the tiniest of issue gets us to be annoyed at each other and things to get blown out of proportion.  Loving each other is not the issue, the issue is respecting each other.  The issue is being okay with disagreeing.  We both need to stop thinking that we know what is best for the other, and in general and allow room and space for errors.

All I can do is try, but with all my heart.  I will try more and better than before.  What if I fail?  There is no failing, there is only trying, and when that fails then trying some more.

I am going for:

  • No reaction and no over-reaction.  Stop. Do nothing for awhile.
  • Put myself in her shoes, and see how it feels before judging, before criticizing
  • Listen with love, talk with love, act out of love

While she is here I plan on getting out more and doing a variety of things. There is so much in New York to see and do so we plan we on doing some of it.  When she was here last year we did most of the usual sightseeing so now we will probably go off the beaten path.

So much culture, so much adventure, so much living and loving to do, I have to hurry up.

Wishing you all a blessed week ahead!

oh, and just a thought:  You know that relative, or that friend that you love but that for some reason or another it is easier to be apart and silent? Yes, that one!  Give him or her a call, or meet for coffee.  You don’t have to hash out all the issues at once.  Actually sometimes is better to just let go of the issues of the past and start fresh.  You can slowly rebuild the friendship.  When there is love anything is possible.

On Friendship  –  Kahlil Gibran

Your friend is your needs answered.
He is your field which you sow with love and reap with thanksgiving.
And he is your board and your fireside.
For you come to him with your hunger, and you seek him for peace.When your friend speaks his mind you fear not the “nay” in your own mind, nor do you withhold the “ay.”
And when he is silent your heart ceases not to listen to his heart;
For without words, in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations are born and shared, with joy that is unacclaimed.
When you part from your friend, you grieve not;
For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain.
And let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit.
For love that seeks aught but the disclosure of its own mystery is not love but a net cast forth: and only the unprofitable is caught.And let your best be for your friend.
If he must know the ebb of your tide, let him know its flood also.
For what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill?
Seek him always with hours to live.
For it is his to fill your need, but not your emptiness.
And in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures.
For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.

Not just surviving, but thriving while online dating

26 Friday Jan 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.”  – William Shakespeare

I have been online dating on and off for the past 5 years.  For some reason I don’t hate it like so many people do.  I take the good with the bad and I amused by the entertainment.

Even though I want the fairy-tale and I will not give up until I get it, I realize that most often is not Prince Charming I meet.  I meet the frog, I meet the Pumpkin, the clown, and they are all teachers.    So I learn, laugh and keep on going.

I want to write some of what helps me held myself together and not lose my mind at some of the more disappointing side of these online interactions.

I also have to point out that I have had many good men online.  Some have become a friend and for that I am so grateful.  There are men just like you and I at these sites.  People that have been hurt before, people that want to find love and companionship, people with good hearts and high morals.  Knowing that keeps me going.

This is my list of the requirement necessary to be able to survive online, as I see it.  Minor scratches are inevitable, but we shouldn’t be left scarred by the experience.

“We accept the love we think we deserve.” – Stephen Chbosky

You need to:

  • Love yourself first.  Value and appreciate yourself. Have so much love for yourself that no one and nothing can make you value yourself any less. Don’t accept any less.
  • Be able to take rejection.  If hearing a NO, if being ignored, will leave you feeling useless online dating is not for you.  To me each rejection is a favor, is a blessing, is the Universe removing someone that wouldn’t be good for me.
  • Listen to you intuition/gut.  If something feels weird, don’t ignore it, run.  I am all for giving people the benefit of the doubt, but your safety and sanity are the most important things here.  When in doubt cut all ties and move on.
  • Know yourself and your limits.  Know what you want and what you are willing to put up with. Don’t be confused about your needs and wants.  You cannot receive what you don’t know you need/want.
  • Be clear.  Avoid miscommunication at all costs.  When in doubt, ask.  Never assume you guys are in the same page.  Don’t be wishy-washy.
  • Know your comfort level/ Learn how to say no.  If you are only comfortable in exchanging emails and not talking on the phone, then do that.  Don’t get talked into doing something you don’t want.  If someone is not willing to work with your comfort level then they are not for you. I have had many guys not willing to meet me because I was not willing to give my phone number before meeting.  I never regret respecting my comfort level.  And my comfort level changes depending on the person.  I respect that also.
  • Let go of the need to know and to have answers.  I used to want answers.  I wanted to know why someone behaved a certain way towards me.  Why was someone mean and hurtful? I would spend nights awake thinking of what I did wrong.  Knowing what caused somebody to behave a certain doesn’t change the fact that they did. Be okay with just not knowing.
  • Know when is the time to let go and move on.  I have held on to bad guys for much longer than necessary. I would hope that things would get better, that they would change.  Instead I got to see more of the same behavior, I grew more disappointed and frustrated.  Don’t throw good energy, time and love in people that are not making the same effort. Cut your losses and move on.
  • Grow a think skin.  I have been called names, all kinds of names, names that I would never repeat or write here.  I have been called names for no reason, for perhaps not behaving in the way they wanted, for sticking to my principals, who knows why.  The point is that it no longer bothers me.  Why should I take into account the opinion of someone that doesn’t even know me.  I know my actions are in line with my heart and moral, nothing else matters.
  • Be kind to others.  Always treat others with kindness.  I never stoop to anybody’s level. As Michelle Obama once said:  “When they go low, we go high”.  I put myself in their place.  Perhaps they are so damaged and hurt that they don’t know any other way, but to attack.
  • Take compliments with a grain of salt.  The same way you shouldn’t let insults bother you, don’t let compliments go to your head.  This last guy I dated showered me with compliments.  He said he couldn’t believe that I chose to even reply to his email.  He would look at my face and say he was mesmerized by my beauty.  It is hard no to fall for that, but do not let that blind you to everything that is going on at the same time.
  • Be kind to yourself. Don’t chastise yourself if something didn’t go well and it was your fault.  Perhaps you haven’t been so nice to someone, perhaps you had a bad day and gave someone a mean answer, perhaps you assumed the worst about someone and turned out to be wrong.  Whatever it is, just say sorry, forgive yourself and move on.
  • Never ever make excuses or be sorry for wanting what you want.  You have this precious gift of life.  It is your right to choose who you want to share with.  You don’t need a good reason or explanation why you want or don’t want someone.  Someone may seem perfect, but perhaps he is not perfect for you.

“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” – Marilyn Monroe

I could go on and on…yes you know I could :-), but this is a good start.  Also if you are starting out online dating take a look at this post I wrote awhile back:

https://atomic-temporary-33385295.wpcomstaging.com/2016/10/27/how-to-spot-a-fake-dating-profile/

Please be safe!  Even when you think you know someone you really don’t know. Safeguard your heart, your sanity, and most important your physical body.

It seems that every other profile I see lately is some kind of scam.  It try to report them all.  I am considering approaching dating sites and asking to be paid for making their site safer.  I should get a fee for each scam profile I report.

How wonderful would be to have a guy sing me Lady.  How wonderful is Kenny Rogers and Lionel Richie together?

This is my weekend mood:

HAPPY SAFE DATING!  HAVE A BLESSED WEEKEND YOU ALL!!

No crying at this funeral

26 Friday Jan 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 32 Comments

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I was surprised and glad he didn’t reply yesterday.  Today he reached out as if all is the same.   Here is his text (the bottom part following the exchange from yesterday):

The first word that comes to mind is: CLUELESS. Is he on some kind of medication? Were we in the same relationship together?

I am so surprisingly unemotional about it that my friend A said that I cannot deny this moment.  He said I need to feel to heal.

I don’t want to waste my energy on the past but I think my friend has a point.  Every loss, no matter how small and brief needs to be mourned.  I cannot just brush it up like it never happened.

Even though my heart is fine and I am not feeling any sort of sadness, this loss happened and it marked me.  I need to mourn it, to dissect it and then move on.

He was a potential, a possibility, a what if.  He was a maybe that seemed so certain for a moment in time.  When he arrived he was such a sweet surprise.  My heart sang, my spirit soared. I spoke about him to people such a sure thing I thought he was.

The best part was that he seemed to feel the same way and he was not afraid to let me know. In his presence I felt like the most beautiful woman in the world.  I don’t remember a guy ever having that strong an effect on me.

And then something happened.  One day I may find out what really happened, why he he changed, but that is really not even important.  What is important is that the dream died almost as fast as it arrived.

I am taking 5 minutes now to be sad, to wallow in pity, to ponder about it, to lick my wounds and then close that chapter and move on. I am digging deep and bringing it all to the surface.

“When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.” – Kahlil Gibran

I wanted it to work.  I was in love with the idea of us.  I could see our potential.  Now I feel taken for granted, unappreciated. How can he turn his back so easily on we?  How can he so easily throw a miracle away?

What was my role in it and how I can improve on going forward?

I am not saying I did anything wrong.  I didn’t!  I was myself and I will not apologize for that.  He probably didn’t do anything wrong either.  We were victims of the circumstances.  We had different expectations, wants and communications styles.

I do intend to take full advantage of all the experiences I go through in life, taking the time to learn and improve. I see areas that I could fine tune.

Please feel free to give me your 2 cents, or a whole dollar for that matter. My heart and mind are open to receive your feedback.

“Tell me and I forget, teach me and I may remember, involve me and I learn.” -Benjamin Franklin 

Areas to improve:

  • I was too honest.  While honesty is a virtue and I pride myself on it, it doesn’t mean that I have to say it all that comes to mind.
  • I was too available.  Any time he contacted me I replied. I made myself free any time he wanted to meet.  My life was him.
  • I gave him too many options and left the ball on his court.  I put myself at his mercy.
  • I put all my eggs in one basket.  I immediately stopped dating and talking to anyone else.
  • I presented no mystery. I was an open book from the beginning.  It is okay to reveal yourself slowly and not all at the beginning.
  • Perhaps I expected too much too soon

“Let the improvement of yourself keep you so busy that you have no time to criticize others.” -Roy T. Bennet

What did I do right? (and this part is debatable)

  • I was myself.  There is no greater joy then being myself and making no excuse for it.
  • I played not games, or played hard to get.
  • I spoke my mind.  I had opinions and was not afraid to share.
  • I didn’t expect him to read my mind I told him how I felt and what I wanted.
  • I was open minded and willing to be the one to choose the restaurant, even though he said he would do it and then didn’t.  I have canceled dates for less than that so I really give myself credit for this.

I still think he is a great person. It may seem crazy but I still would welcome a friendship. I know he is going through something.  Perhaps it is something that I don’t want to get involved in and I am being spared.

When we spent time together he was the most kind, considerate man I ever met. It was all about me and about making sure I was okay.

I believe in redemption. I believe in the goodness of people. I don’t believe that most people set out to hurt others. Most are hurt themselves and just don’t know how to deal with that pain, so they in turn hurt whoever is next to them.

My doctor friend A,  is someone that I dated and that I thought it was going to go somewhere. That was over 2 years ago.  Then he started to slowly disappear. I am not even sure how it happened.  It hurt me, I was confused.  Then he reached out and we start talking and meeting for brunch.  There has never been any romance after we started to see each other again and it has been perfect that way.  Our friendship has blossomed and I know he is a friend that I can count on.  I am glad that I decided to look past his prior behavior that to this day there is no explanation and I actually don’t need one.  We are much better friends than we would have been as a couple.

“Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.” – Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

I don’t know if Peter would welcome a friendship, but we shall see.

If I am going to completely honest looking at this almost relationship with a clinical eye I have to point out the following hurdles that I would have to get over to make the romantic relationship work:

1) Lack of deep conversation. I seemed to be doing all the talking and a lot of the conversation seemed to be superficial.  I thought that perhaps things would get better with time.  I need mental stimulation,
2) Lack of Passion. We held hands, we kissed.  I think there was more passion in the hand holding then in the kissing. He seemed to enjoy the kisses, but I hate to say it was just not that pleasurable to me.  Not the type of kiss I am used to. I had hoped I could teach him the way I like it, but I wondered if he would be open to learning. I need passion.
3)There was a couple of answers to questions about his past that it didn’t seem to add up to what I had found online.  While it was not anything serious, it raised some doubts in my mind as to the real truth.  I need honesty.

RIP potential relationship!

Enough about Peter!

NEXT!!

“It was too perfect to last,’ so I am tempted to say of our marriage. But it can be meant in two ways. It may be grimly pessimistic – as if God no sooner saw two of His creatures happy than He stopped it (‘None of that here!’). As if He were like the Hostess at the sherry-party who separates two guests the moment they show signs of having got into a real conversation. But it could also mean ‘This had reached its proper perfection. This had become what it had in it to be. Therefore of course it would not be prolonged.’ As if God said, ‘Good; you have mastered that exercise. I am very pleased with it. And now you are ready to go on to the next.”  – C.S. Lewis

 

 

 

And so it goes…. no more being in limbo

25 Thursday Jan 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“I will not try to convince you to love me, to respect me, to commit to me. I deserve better than that; I AM BETTER THAN THAT…Goodbye.” – Steve Maraboli

It is over.  I knew something was off, which I still don’t know what it is, but I know he has changed.  I had pushed for more information with the phone call yesterday and ended up more confused.

Last night he texted just good night and I replied to it in French, as I am trying once again to teach myself French. We exchanged a couple of texts about Paris and that was it.

Around 2 pm this afternoon he texted me just as I was struggling with a bleeding nose.

He texted 1 word: Hello

I replied about my bloody nose and that was it.

I know it is just one word, but I read so much into that.  I could tell that he had no intentions of scheduling any dates.  I hate being in limbo and feeling like I am at somebody’s mercy.

In my mind and heart I need things resolved, yes or no, I just want to know. This not knowing where I stand or what his plans are were making me ill.  I think my nosebleed was my body rebelling against this situation.

I have a lot on my plate at this moment to be wasting time and energy on somebody that is not giving me what I need, even after I explained to him exactly what I need.

This is a relationship that romantically would never work. The only way it would work is if I was able to relax and go with the flow.  Those are not in my DNA. I am trying but continue to fail.

So later I texted him later.  Here it is:

He has not replied after that, which surprised me, but also made me happy and have more respect for him.  I rather silence then some stupid reply to pacify me such as:  I care about you, I am busy, etc, etc.

I know I will not get the truth from him so I rather have silence and have it resolved in my heart.  I don’t have to wonder anymore if I am seeing him on Thursday or any other day this rest of week or next, or ever for that matter.

The “I try to get to city soon”  felt insulting to me. Why ask me what night I am free if he clearly is not free any night?

So in my mind it is all settled.  If he ever contacts me again I have no problem in seeing him again and being friends but I definitely don’t want a romantic relationship anymore.  I deserve more.  I deserve promises kept.

I was also becoming a person that I don’t like.  I was feeling like a complainer, like a beggar, like a victim.  I am none of those things.  I want somebody that will make me soar not crawl.

“It is always important to know when something has reached its end. Closing circles, shutting doors, finishing chapters, it doesn’t matter what we call it; what matters is to leave in the past those moments in life that are over.” – Paulo Coelho

Besides this total lack of concern for my feelings, there was already the kissing issue that I didn’t know if we could get over. There was also a lack of depth in our conversations that I had hoped that with time it would change.

But it felt so amazing for a little bit. The potential and possibility made my heart sing. All the compliments, the attention, the plans and the promises felt wonderful.  I was on top of the world. With Valentines Day around the corner and, lets not forget, the Opera I was feeling like a lucky girl.

I fell in love with the potential.  I fell in love with the idea of him, of us.

Life seems so cruel sometimes. But I know better.  I know that everything is to make me better and that things that are not good for me have a way of disappearing from my life.  I am not about to question the Universe, instead I just thank my Guardian Angels that are always watching out for me.

Our communication styles are too different.  I blame it on our astrological signs. He is Pisces and I am Aries.

They are both perfectly good signs but I struggle in communicating with real Pisces people.  I say “real” because some people have more traits of the signs that come before or after, and other details that go into it.  I am not crazy into Astrology.  I haven’t read my horoscope in years, but I do pay attention to the signs of the people I deal with and I have opinions formed based on those experiences.

The Pisces people that I know, and one is very close to me, are wonderfully amazing people.  They go out of their way to please people.  They are quiet and keep their feelings in.  They don’t want confrontation so they tell me exactly what I want to hear. They agree with me on a course of action and then they turn around and do whatever they please.  That is a Pisces that I know and love and have learned to deal with.

When P told me he was Pisces I thought about this Pisces man that is close to me and I hoped that P would be different.  He is not. Because I had some experience with his style I thought I would be able to maneuver it and make it work.

I failed.  I can’t betray my personality and my feelings and I cannot change anyone. I cannot extract blood from a rock.  I cannot get from people what they don’t have in them to give to me.

I am an Aries.  I tell you like it is.  I wear my heart on my sleeve.  I am impulsive, stubborn.  I want results and have no patience for details. I want to be in charge. I am a great person but I agree I am not easy to deal with.  I expect to talk about problems and resolve them and not sweep them under the rug.

He will be a great partner for somebody less fiery than me. He used to say I was a ball of fire and that he like that I am me.  He liked that we were so different.  That difference killed us.

I honestly hope that whatever is happening with him is not bad.  I know something is happening.  I still want to be his friend, but I am not ever contacting him again. If he texts me I will probably reply.  If calls me I will probably let it go to voice mail for awhile.  If he totally disappears that is okay too.  I said my piece. I am done!

Some of you may be surprised but I feel good and happy. I like things resolved and it feels resolved to me.  Do I want to swear off dating now?  Absolutely not! I actually feel I am closer to meeting the one.  The bigger the disappointment the bigger the reward.  This seemed so much like the real thing that I cannot even imagine how amazing it will be when the real one shows up.

I predict amazing things for my future with or without a man, but I know in my heart there will be one for me.  One that will put up with this ball of fire.

Today I opened an email from the Universe that read:

Have you noticed, Star, that sadness in your life has never, ever, not even once, lasted?
 
It’s impossible.
 
Whoohoooooo! 
  The Universe

How perfect is that for today?  And that is so true.

If you too want to get emails from the Universe go to http://www.tut.com and sign up.

I am so amazingly blessed!!

“Good friends, good books, and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.” – Mark Twain

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you to the amazing readers that I have!  You guys are the friends that I don’t have in my day to day life.  I wish I could have you right here with me.  You lift me up, you keep me honest, you set me straight.  I appreciate your honesty. I appreciate your kindness in telling me like it is. I am immensely grateful that you take your time and energy to read about my life and you kindly offer me your perspective.  You allow me to be me, you welcome me, guide me and embrace me.  Reading your comments I feel your love.  Please know that you are loved, valued, you are meaningful in my life!  I am so grateful and proud to call you a friend.

I will talk about all the lessons I have learned in this experience in the next post.  There are always lessons and this is no different.

And I know that it may seem to some that I am making a big deal and that his actions may not seem that bad, but what I have to say to that is:  Talk to my heart.  I follow it blindly, and it is telling me that something was not right.

Again this post was drafted in a hurry as I wanted to update everyone on the newest happenings or lack thereof.  So please forgive the mistakes.  I still have some office work to do before shower and bed.

“There is no real ending. It’s just the place where you stop the story.” – Frank Herbert