Author Archives: A Star on the Forehead

Accepting while kicking and screaming

21 Sunday Jan 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating

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“I’d rather be an optimist and a fool than a pessimist and right.” – Albert Einstein

My life is not all about dating, but in dating it seems is where I learn the most lessons.  Lessons about men, about the world and most importantly, about myself.  Dating keeps me vulnerable and keeps me honest.  It shows me my flaws and my weaknesses. It puts my ego in check.

Each man I date, and actually anyone I encounter, is a lesson.  It is never about them as human beings, as men.  It is always about them as lessons. Each person and situation helps me become a better version of myself, or so I hope. Otherwise the thought would be too dreadful. To think that some things are just meaningless and a waste of time is hard for me to live with that.

“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” – Albert Einstein

Dating forces me to look inside myself.  It forces me to confront my feelings, actions and reactions.  It forces me to try to understand why I feel the way I feel.  Why I do the things I do.  It forces me to look in an invisible mirror and see what is my culpability in a potential relationship when things don’t work out.  And, as you can tell if you have been following my blog for awhile is that things haven’t worked out yet.  Working out would mean I have a boyfriend, I am in a relationship.

Today I want to write about the need for Acceptance. 

I know I have written about that before, probably more than once. Actually, several times. I clearly struggle with that. I have read somewhere that the lesson only ends when we learn it.  I feel I have been in the same classroom staring at the same notebook for years.  And one of the lessons that persists the most is Acceptance.

“The woman who follows the crowd will usually go no further than the crowd. The woman who walks alone is likely to find herself in places no one has ever been before.” – Albert Einstein

Hi, I am a Control-freak.

I need to accept what I cannot control.  Accept that things don’t go according to plan.  Accept that some things are over and they are never returning.  Accept that not everything can be fixed. Accept that some things will never be no matter how much I want them and how hard I fight.

I want to be the captain of my own ship.  I want to control my own destiny.  I forget that while I can control my boat, no matter how small or large, I cannot control the weather, the waves and the ocean.

A calm, peaceful voyage would not teach me anything.  A calm ocean would allow me to just coast. An ocean without waves would bore me to tears.  I would never be the best form of myself if challenges were not thrown my way.  I would never be able to prove the kind of captain I can really be if I were not tested with a violent storm every now and then.

“When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.” – Albert Einstein

As I am contemplating an impeding 5th date with a guy that seems very promising I am confronted with accepting that it is okay if he doesn’t follow the blueprint that I have in my mind.

I create mental pictures of the way I want things to go, to be. I have this perfect idea of a perfect date, the perfect kiss, the perfect words to come out of his lips. I know how he needs to behave, when to call, what to say.

No one, no matter how perfect is going to fulfill exactly the dream I created in my mind.  No one will be the perfect age, have the perfect profession, make the perfect amount of money, say the right things, and have the perfect actions.

That person doesn’t exist! People are moody, they do the unexpected, they change their mind, they disappoint.  I should know!  I do all of that and more.

One of the definitions of Accept according to the Merriam-Webster dictionary is:
To endure without protest or reaction.

What?  I am not a doormat.  That if often how I see acceptance, as being a doormat and just laying there and not fighting for what I want.  Acceptance then becomes a betrayal to myself and my dreams.  I see it as settling.  Accepting less than I deserve. Accepting a dream less than perfect.  Accepting a flawed man.  I am deserving of more, I am deserving of all. I don’t need to settle.  I don’t want to settle.

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.” – Albert Einstein

I create expectations that no one can fulfill. Sometimes I even think I want to be disappointed. In the end it is never about somebody else. It is always about me. It always up to me.

I have to tell myself that things can still be okay and good even if they don’t follow the blueprint I had on my mind.

Acceptance doesn’t have to mean accepting less than I deserve. Acceptance means accepting that not everything is under my control. It is being okay with things not being perfect at that moment in time or being perfect all the time.

I think the real key is not really accepting or not accepting, that comes after.  The key is getting to the bottom of what I want for my life, what makes me happier and what contributes to me becoming the best version of myself.

In dating I need to be clear in what type of man I want to be my life partner. What is really important to me, and what is only a teenage fantasy?

“When you trip over love, it is easy to get up. But when you fall in love, it is impossible to stand again.” – Albert Einstein

Sounds confusing, even complicated, but in the end is really simple.  We have that little voice inside ourselves that guides us to what is right and wrong, to what feels right and what feels wrong.  The crux is to listen to that voice.

Sometimes we can’t hear that little voice because we are too busy stuffing it down.  We go out of our way to silence it.  We surround ourselves with things that makes us momentarily happy and we forget that voice. We silence it with any distraction we can, tv, people, food, etc. Sometimes we hear it but we pretend we don’t.  If we acknowledge it than we would be forced to act, so it is easier to play deaf, to feign ignorance.

As I am putting the final touches on this post I realize that all I have written here has already been written before in a more concise way.  My whole post is the Serenity Prayer.

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” 

So please forgive me if you wasted your time with my rambling.  Welcome to the voices inside my mind and my heart. I started this post out of confusion with my feelings.  Am I less confused?

No, I am as confused as ever.  I just need to be okay with things being confused for awhile.  I need prayer to guide me, I need silence to listen.  I need writing to keep my sanity.  I need this blog to keep me honest.  I need you to set me straight.

Today I was in a Albert Einstein kind of mood.  For a physicist I find him more spiritual than some so called spiritual teachers around.

“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving.” – Albert Einstein

 

Don’t try to make sense, just dance!

19 Friday Jan 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me, Food, Poetry

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“Stop acting so small. You are the universe in ecstatic motion.” -Rumi

Last night I saw anxiety creeping in. Yes I actually saw it. I looked in the mirror and the face looking back at me was not the usual smiling face with bright shiny eyes. This face had dead sad eyes and the lips were just there, unmovable walls. Looking in the mirror only made the dark feelings intensify.

Nothing made sense.  Nothing felt right. I was alone. I was weak.

I knew that if I gave into those feelings I would soon be crying and feeling totally powerless and beaten. Crying is definitely okay in my book but when I have a reason for it. Crying out of pity for myself is not productive, it is not what I do, it is not who I am.

I felt hungry as if I hadn’t eaten in days. I wanted to head to the fridge and stuff my face in something sweet. I wanted to drown the sad feelings in a tub of ice cream. I wanted chocolate cookies to prevent my tears from falling. I wanted my best friend Sugar to assure me that I was going to be okay.

The problem with my friend Sugar is that it is such a sneaky weasel. It takes me to amazing high levels of euphoria and then, not too long after it has me crashing down. That is a roller coaster that tonight I refuse to get on.

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.”  – Rumi

I am smarter than that. I know this is not a physical hunger, after all I just had a great dinner of brown rice, vegetables and chicken. I even had a tiny piece of cheesecake for dessert. This is my being crying out for attention. This was my body trying to make my insides feel better by giving in to outsides urges.

Sugar is my drug of choice. For you it may be something else, alcohol, shopping, etc, Whatever it is, when used in this way it is not a friend, it is an enemy.

I knew exactly what prompted the feelings I was having. It all started 30 minutes before.

“You were born with wings, why prefer to crawl through life?”  – Rumi

Around 8:30pm I called P. He calls every night and last night I decided I should call for a change and to let him know that I do think of him. The call went straight to voice mail. Immediately I felt like I was punched on the stomach. How dare he not answer the phone and worse, why it is off.  It didn’t feel right. Immediately my delusional self starting conjuring up all kinds of thoughts.

That was on top of having gone this entire week without scheduling a date. We talked about meeting Saturday night and/or Sunday, and even me possibly going to his house, but there is nothing definite.  And of also realizing that he is still on the dating app.

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” – Rumi

The woman in me that got cheated on over 5 years ago came back full force and started connecting the invisible dots and creating stories. I vow not to be made a fool ever again.  I thought he was probably on a date and turned the phone off not to be disturbed. Not only was he on a date but he would probably start liking her better than he likes me. Soon this blossoming relationship would shrivel up and die.

The reality is that we have known each other for less than a month and have gone on 4 dates only. Even though we both feel this is different, we really have no clue. I realize that relationships need to marinated, need be tended to, need to have air to breath.

There is nothing really happening. We are both free to date other people. I like to say that competition is welcomed.  It only makes me look better.

I don’t believe that every guy will cheat on me. I also believe that there is a guy for me out there and I am not sure it is him. I am also not sure it is not him yet.

“The minute I heard my first love story,
I started looking for you, not knowing
how blind that was.
Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere.
They’re in each other all along.”  – Rumi

Where is this delusional, insecure, paranoid, jealous woman coming from?

Then it hits me:

PMS

I am glad I keep track of it.  I look at the app in my phone and there it is.  I am in the middle of PM.  I know these feeling are momentary and not based in reality. I know they will pass.  All I have to do is be okay with feeling uncomfortable and sad for a moment.

The feeling of doom. The feeling that the world is coming to an end. The paralysis. That is what PMS feels like to me. I even warn people about it, as I know I can be a little out of my mind at that time.

So it is just you, PMS, old frenemy! You don’t own me! You can mess up my hormones every now and then, but I will show you who the boss is!

“Don’t be satisfied with stories, how things have gone with others. Unfold your own myth.”  – Rumi

So I did the only thing I could think to do:

I DANCED!

I put some loud music on and I danced. I danced like no one was watching and no one really was. If they were they would probably want to join in as I was having so much fun. I danced as if I wanted the dance moves to shake the fears and anxiety away from my body.

I danced with my soul.  It was a freedom, gratitude, euphoria, wanting to live and love dance!!

IT WORKED!

I felt instantly better. I felt alive! I felt energized! I felt grounded and centered! Life returned to my eyes, the smile to my lips. As in a miracle, the dark cloud lifted.

To continue on my good mood trajectory, I started thinking of all the blessings I have in my life. The list is so huge and amazing,  it is impossible to be sad or down when confronted with that knowledge.

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” – Rumi

At 9:44pm he texted me to say sorry. He said he had fallen asleep without saying good night. He said he had laid down for a minute and didn’t wake up until now.
I said that I thought he was out and about and had the phone off not to be bothered. He said the battery had died on his phone.

Do I believe him? I don’t know! At this point I don’t care. There is nothing going on. We are getting to know each other. So I am keeping an open mind and will trust until I have a reason not to. I will also not create problems and be overly dramatic or clingy.

The odd thing is that getting his text didn’t make me feel happy or relieved.  It was indifferent.  Proving to me that at the end of the day, we are in charge of our emotions and well-being.  No one can make you feel better or worse, loved or unloved.  Only you have that power.  The sooner we realize that the happier we become.

“Everything in the universe is within you. Ask all from yourself.” – Rumi

This is the first time I use dance as a coping mechanism, as a pacifier and medication.  I normally go to gratitude and prayer.

May I offer everyone that suggestion?  Next time you are down, how about you get up and dance.  While dancing you can make mental lists of all blessings and say a prayer thanking for all of those blessings.

***

The dancing reminded me of one of my favorite poets and scholar: Rumi. His poems and teachings really resonate with me. They touch my inner being. They make life make sense to me. They make me want to love with abandon.

“Dance, when you’re broken open. Dance, if you’ve torn the bandage off. Dance in the middle of the fighting. Dance in your blood. Dance when you’re perfectly free.”

With Rumi in my mind I peppered this post with his quotes and I offer everyone this poem. I hope that everyone at some point in their lives get to love with abandon.

“I want to see you.

Know your voice.

Recognize you when you
first come ’round the corner.

Sense your scent when I come
into a room you’ve just left.

Know the lift of your heel,
the glide of your foot.

Become familiar with the way
you purse your lips
then let them part,
just the slightest bit,
when I lean in to your space
and kiss you.

I want to know the joy
of how you whisper
“more”
Rumi

 

I believe I have broken a record: 4 dates with the same guy!!

17 Wednesday Jan 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.” – Rita Rudner

Here is a summary of the dates I had with P., the finance guy.  I am not going on dates or speaking to anyone else or checking online profiles at this time.  I want to give him my full attention and a fair chance.  I also don’t have much time lately.  I am not sure what he is doing, but I don’t think he is online anymore.

At this point it would not bother me if he is dating other women as I am free to date also. I am just choosing not to do it for lack of time and energy. But when the time comes that we are intimate then we will have the commitment conversation. I don’t like the idea of sleeping with someone that is sleeping around.

Date 1 – Posto 22 – Italian Restaurant in my town – I had eggplant and angel hair pasta and we shared the tartufo for dessert.

He chose the restaurant after I gave him the names of 5 restaurants near me. I wanted him to choose.

I was expecting a nice guy but nothing else.  My investment in this date was minimal.  I just left my building and turned the corner and the restaurant is right there.  He drove over 1 hour in a car with no heat in below freezing temperature.

I liked him right away.  He seemed a bit nervous and shy but totally interested in me and all I had to say.  I often have a lot to say.  I didn’t think I was going to like him so much, but I did. At end I was excited and dreaming of the possibilities.

He asked me on a second date that night.

“A thought, even a possibility, can shatter and transform us.” – Friedrich Nietzsche

Date 2 – Lea Wine Bar – Tapas/Sushi place in New York City – I had a couple of Lychee Martinis, sushi and empanadas

I chose the place, I didn’t want to and almost canceled over having to choose.   Later I explained to him that I rather have the man choose the place.  He said that he thought it was thoughtful to let me choose but that he had no problem in choosing from then on.

We held hands. We kissed for the first time.  It didn’t blow me away, but I think he is shy and being extra cautious not to scare me away by being overly enthusiastic and being too physical.

He complimented me on my hair.

He walked me to the train and sat with me until it was time for the train to leave.

I was relieved that I still liked him on the second date as much as on the first.  That rarely happens.

“And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.” – Kahlil Gibran

Date 3 – Naples 45 – Italian Restaurant in New York City – We had pizza with no cheese and chicken Milanese, prosecco and wine, cheesecake and tiramisu.

I think he completely forgot he told me he would start choosing the restaurant and again he asked me to choose.  For a second I was extremely annoyed over it.  Is he paying attention to what I am saying?

I stopped and chose non-reaction. Nothing. I let those feelings wash over me and I concentrated on the work I was doing at work.

Later I told him we would meet by the clock inside Grand Central Station.  When I met him there I got my phone out and we chose the nearest Italian restaurant together.  Italian is his favorite cuisine.

I decided not to bring up the choosing the restaurant issue. I consider that a huge shift, and growth moment for me.  I am choosing to do what is uncomfortable:  not speaking all that is on my mind.  Perhaps being the one choosing the meals is not such a bad thing.  He is the one paying.  I decided to change my view on that.

“We can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorns have roses.”  – Alphonse Karr

He had on a suit and tie as he had gone to a meeting in the afternoon and looked very handsome.  As usual he kept complimenting me and saying how beautiful I was.  What girl doesn’t like to hear that? I am a sucker for it.  I am independent, self assured, professional and confident, still I want to hear a man tell me that I am pretty.

We talked about the stock market since that is the business he is.  It was nice to hear the passion for it in his voice.

He mentioned Valentine’s Day and the need to choose a place and reserve it soon.  Again he said I can choose whatever I want.  One of the reasons I don’t like to choose is that I don’t want to seem I am choosing expensive places.  Since he is not choosing I am going to make a list of all the restaurants I want to try and start crossing them off my list.

During dinner he asked me what I was doing the next evening (Saturday) and if I wanted to get together for dinner and movie.  I said yes.

After dinner he walked me to the train station.  When we got there I saw that my train was about to leave so I ran for it leaving him in mid-sentence.  I barely gave him a peck on the cheek.  I felt so stupid afterwards.  I always do that.  I run for trains even though there is always another one after.

I apologized later.  He said he was left confused but ended up seeing the humor in it.

Date 4 – Patrias – My favorite restaurant in my town -Tapas Spanish place – We had the pan com tomate, cod fish croquettes, fried chicken and a vegetarian paella.  

He showed up looking like a rock star in a leather jacket and spiky hair. He definitely looks younger than his age.

We talked, flirted, and ate wonderful food.  He chose to drink water, I had sangria.  We were supposed to go to the movies after but I decided against it because I thought it would be too late for him to go home after, and I wanted him to stop by my apartment also.

In the afternoon I had gone to an Italian bakery and gotten his favorite dessert to surprise him: Ricotta cheesecake.  So I said that we should go back to my place for dessert.  Even though it is only the fourth date I trusted him enough and felt comfortable enough to have him over to my place.

He was pleasantly surprised that I took the time to go and find his favorite dessert. I made coffee and he had the cake. I put American Indian music on, something he enjoys – It was nice and peaceful.

And oh yeah, I put pajamas on.

I am so used to getting in my apartment, removing my shoes and either putting in exercise clothes or something comfortable. My apartment is on the cold side so I felt more comfortable in my cozy long pajamas.

He is so nice and he is going out of his way not to do anything to scare me away so I knew that he wouldn’t even try to kiss me.  When I mentioned something about that,  he said:  “I am not going to spoil this, this is a long term investment. I have time and I have patience“.  I just thought it was an adorable answer and shows me where his heart and mind is.

It is great not to feel pressured to do anything I am not ready for.

“Being male is a matter of birth. Being a man is a matter of age. But being a gentleman is a matter of choice.” – Vin Diesel

He didn’t make any moves on me.  I initiated.  We just snuggle and we kissed.  The kissing was still awkward and not that exciting to me.  Is that a sign of things to come?  If the kissing is this lackluster what about all the rest?  I am hoping that is just because he still seems nervous.

He said I looked great in the blouse I had on before I changed, which showed some cleavage.  He said my arms also looked great in it.  It seemed like an odd compliment.  I don’t like the way my arms look as they lack muscle tone at the moment. Plus I would have thought that my cleavage would blind him to everything else.

I almost forgot a detail.  The restaurant I chose didn’t take credit card, so instead of telling him to bring cash, I figure I could buy dinner this one time.

When he asked for the check and pulled the card out, I said:  They don’t accept credit card.  His face fell.  He said: I don’t carry cash, I have to go to an ATM.  I said: Don’t worry, I brought cash.  He continued to tell me that we would find an ATM after.

By the time the waitress came with the check she said that now they do accept card.  He was relieved.  Then it turned out that there was a problem with the chip in his card and had to be swiped instead but the waitress seemed flustered so I insisted on paying.

Immediately after leaving, he saw an ATM inside the Mexican Restaurant next door and insisted on going in and paying me back.  He said:  There is no way I invite you to dinner and let you pay.  That is my kind of guy!!

***

I have additional comments and observations about him, well, us really, but I will have in a next post.  I am trying to post more often and not make such long posts, which I clearly failed again.  Oftentimes I write and write and by the time I am finished the material seems stale, so I am trying to change that.

“Daughter! Get you an honest Man for a Husband, and keep him honest. No matter whether he is rich, provided he be independent. Regard the Honour and moral Character of the Man more than all other Circumstances. Think of no other Greatness but that of the soul, no other Riches but those of the Heart. An honest, Sensible humane Man, above all the Littlenesses of Vanity, and Extravagances of Imagination, labouring to do good rather than be rich, to be usefull rather than make a show, living in a modest Simplicity clearly within his Means and free from Debts or Obligations, is really the most respectable Man in Society, makes himself and all about him the most happy.” – John Adams, Letter of John Adams, Addressed to his wife

 

Speaking my mind, speaking my heart

14 Sunday Jan 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files

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“The problem that we have with a victim mentality is that we forget to see the blessings of the day. Because of this, our spirit is poisoned instead of nourished.” -Steve Maraboli

I have been having issues at work that have been making me feel unappreciated. I know that is the victim in me speaking.  I know I am being sensitive and emotional about it.  But in this battle between mind and heart my heart is won.

I am not going to go into the reasons for feeling the way I feel,  it is long, boring and ever changing and still never changing.  I am NOT talking about any form of harassment.  If anything, I am the flirty one at work.  I am talking about not feeling included and part of the team/management.

I work with self-absorbed, arrogant, egotistical, entitled men.  This problem is not isolated to my office.  It is the entire financial/wall street industry.  I am not sure they realize how insensitive they can be to the support personnel, to the people that are there to help them succeed.  I am not sure if they are just clueless or if they just don’t care about others. One thing I know is that they are shortsighted.

To me the sign of a great person is in how he/she treat others.  If they only treat well and acknowledge the people that are able to benefit them or improve their status while ignoring the ones that are not able to do much for them and/or are beneath them in some invisible social caste, that to me is a small poor excuse for a person.

“I never meet a ragged boy in the street without feeling that i may owe him a salute, for I know not what possibilities may be buttoned up under his coat.” – James A. Garfield

I should be used to it by now after having been in this industry for over 25 years.  I am not.  I don’t think I ever will.  I think that I am extra sensitive because I am an immigrant.  I feel invisible often.  I have major issues with not feeling included, with feeling overlooked.

I wish I would just keep thoughts and feelings to myself in the workplace, but I can’t.  I have to say what is in my mind, and more importantly, what is in my heart.  So, once again I did.   I had a couple of different issues with a couple of different people, one of them my boss.  I told them how I felt.

There were looks of confusion, explanations, excuses and apologies. Some men really don’t know what to do when a woman starts talking feelings and emotions, specially in the work place.  They both had the look of a deer in the headlights.  To their credit, they both acted quickly to apologize and correct what I perceived was a wrong. They tried to justify the situation, to tell me that perhaps I didn’t understand the whole story.  As I explained to them, separately, what is important here is how the they should realize that their actions or lack thereof have consequences and may make others feel bad.  I wanted them to be more aware.

I accepted the apologies and appreciated my boss’s attempt of correcting a wrong and show me how important I am to the firm.  Sometimes everything seems a little too late.  Nothing will change, nothing ever does.  I wish I didn’t have to say anything.  I wish they would realize things without being told.

“I speak to everyone in the same way, whether he is the garbage man or the president of the university.” – Albert Einstein

Still I don’t like this complaining side of myself. I hate portraying myself as a victim.  There is nothing I hate more than people portraying themselves as victim instead of being pro-active and correcting the problem.  I am a firm believer that instead of complaining I should be correcting, changing, moving on.

Perhaps the time has come to make a change. Perhaps I should work on my resume and see what else is out there.  Perhaps 17 years in the same office is enough.   I am an impulsive Aries and at times I feel like just saying good bye to my job.  At times I feel I am just a second away from that.

Then, after crying and feeling helpless.  After I let my heart and emotions go insane.  After I said all I had to say and dealt with the aftershocks.  After, in my mind, I am already bagging my bags, I then stopped and took a breath.  I took a step back and shook myself aware.

A new job in the same industry would only change the location.  The attitudes would be the same, plus I would probably not be able to speak my mind as freely as I do now.

“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.” – Winston Churchill

At the end of the day I realize I do have a great job.  I know I would be hard to be replaced.  In their own clueless way my co-workers and partners appreciate me.  I get paid well and have a say on a lot things.  So, it is not perfect, but what is?

I am blessed and have no right to complain about anything. Many people would love to have what I have.

Still I think that having an updated resume and being open to hear other opportunities is not a bad thing.  What I cannot do is make decisions out of hurt and anger. Decisions should not be made in haste but with a clear and calm mind.

Even though I often wish I would not speak my mind and my heart, at the end of the day, to me it is not about hearing apologies and having actions done to correct the matter, but it is the fact that I talked about what was eating me up inside.  I am free because of that.  I am free because I no longer harbor the feelings of mistreatment I had.  And feeling free is amazing.

“The two hardest tests on the spiritual road are the patience to wait for the right moment and the courage not to be disappointed with what we encounter.” – Paulo Coelho

On the next post I am talking about the guy I had 2 dates with and that by now I have already had dates 3 and 4. This is a whole new territory for me.

Can beggars be choosers?

11 Thursday Jan 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Food

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You probably heard the saying “Beggars can’t be choosers”, but can they?

This morning as I exited the train and was walking through the lower level of Grand Central Station I noticed that there was a man next to the ordering line at Zaro’s Bakery.  It seemed he was asking people in line for something.  I assumed he was asking for food.

I will stop dead in my tracks if I see someone that I think is hungry.

I approached cautiously as nowadays I cannot be sure of somebody’s mental state.  I have been yelled at before.

The following exchange ensued:

Me: Can I get you something?

He seemed unsure for a second but then he said:  tea with sugar

Me: Would you like something to eat?

Looking at the food cases displaying all kinds of pre-made sandwiches and other items, he said:  perhaps 2 boiled eggs.

Me: That is it? What about a sandwich?

He answered:  Perhaps some cheese.  If I get one of those (he pointed to a wrap sandwich) it will be a waste.  I don’t eat meat, lettuce, tomato, and those other stuff.

Then he added: I am homeless but I am a picky eater.

I smiled. Before I could say anything, the server, who had been waiting and listening to this exchange said: What about a grilled cheese?

He seemed thrilled with that suggestion and responded:  yes I like that!

I paid for the tea, eggs and grilled cheese and gave him the change.  I wished him a blessed day and walked away as he stayed and waited for his grilled cheese.

A choosy beggar made my day!

Now looking back, and perhaps if I was not one of those New Yorkers always in a hurry, I should have asked him the reason why he eats what he eats.  I should have asked him his name and his story.  I am always curious about how a person arrived at a certain situation.  I also want them to feel that someone cares.

Next time…

“I slept and I dreamed that life is all joy. I woke and I saw that life is all service. I served and I saw that service is joy.”  – Kahlil Gibran

 

“WTF What the Health?

07 Sunday Jan 2018

Posted by in Daily Life

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I watched the Netflix documentary “ What the Health”.  My friend A. who is a naturopathic doctor asked me to watch it and give him my thoughts.

I have a feeling he thought it would make me decide to stop eating meat on the spot. He mentioned that many of his clients are going Vegan as a result of watching it.

I want to state that my opinions about this documentary are just that: my opinions. I have not studied nutrition, I have not read any of the studies, I have not spoken to any professionals about it.  My opinions are based in what I have read, experienced and noticed in all my years in this planet. So please take it for what it is: the ramblings of an unapologetic occasional meat eater.

I didn’t like it! I felt Veganism was being forced down my throat.  It tried to scare people into stopping eating all animal products. I believe in a more sensitive approach.  I appreciate some of the message but I don’t like how it was done.  Here are some of the problems I had with it:

  • I don’t feel it was a documentary.  To me documentaries are not this one-sided.  This felt more like propaganda.  It had an agenda: to turn the entire population Vegan.  It chose studies that were intended to prove their point and not to educate the viewer.  We can find studies to support any type of statement we are trying to make.  It doesn’t mean it is the absolute truth.
  • I don’t like scare tactics. It was too much in your face.  It drove-in the message that if you are eating animal products you are killing yourself.  It was meant to scare and not to educate.  Scaring people into a healthier diet is not the answer.
  • Throughout the documentary it would show people with different illness such as asthma, diabetes, heart disease, etc.  They would talk about their confusion and frustration with their their situation and having to take countless medication and still not feeling any better. Towards the end of the film it showed the same people after no eating animal product for 2 weeks.  They miraculously were cured.   It seemed too far fetched to me to think that the answer to all medical problems would get resolved in 2 weeks. That claim to me is just not credible. Also it didn’t provide any information on what the people were doing before.  What was their diet before?  Did they exercise?  Smoke, etc?
  • It showed a comedian from the show Jackass talking about walking out a charity diabetes benefit luncheon because there was chicken served and he equated that with serving alcohol at an AA meeting. That was a bit too silly and dramatic for my taste.
  • It showed body builders and athletes that achieved great results without eating meat.  Some people will achieve whatever they set their minds to no matter the circumstance so I really didn’t see the point of showing those people.
  • They made some statements that seemed just too wild and even irresponsible such as:
    • The cause of diabetes is not sugar but meat
    • Eating eggs is as bad to our health as smoking
    • Milk and cheese causes cancer
    • Institutionalized Racism -the government promotes milk to African Americans knowing that they are lactose intolerant and will get sick

The documentary had some valid points and it highlighted for me some real problems that needs to be addressed.  Unfortunately some of the message got lost in the fear-mongering. It talked about the unfair treatment of animals, toxins in our food, environmental concerns in the raising of the animals for our food, the role of government and corporations and charities accepting money from big corporations.  I think it could have done a better job of presenting a more unbiased view, but those topics cannot be discounted and we need to be aware of them.

I believe the following:

  • There is a health crises in America.  As a nation we are getting sicker and sicker.  I believe more effort needs to be placed in Education.  We need to have better nutrition in schools and at home.  Parents need to stop thinking that McDonald is an acceptable dinner every day of the week.
  • The lives of kids are becoming as sedentary as workers in a office.  Kids sit in front of the computer the whole day. When not in front of a computer they are getting calluses on their fingers from playing on the cell phone.  Kids shouldn’t have calluses on their fingers, they should have scraped knees from running around in the park and from riding bikes.
  • There needs to be transparency in what organizations are receiving money from what companies. Are the information being divulged to the public being compromised?
  • We as nation need to have a more human and ethical approach to the way the animals raised for food are being treated.  The way they are treated, where they are kept, what they are fed, that all affects their well being and it will in turn be absorbed by us as we eat their meat. We need to respect, value and be grateful for the meat they give us and treat them with that in mind.
  • We must not forget how the environment is being affected by meat processing plants, etc. We need better regulation so that our waterways and air is not being polluted.  We need more sustainable and eco-friendly alternatives. We need more assistance to small farmers and producers.
  • We all benefit from eating a more balanced diet with more plant and less meat.  We need more greens and less reds.  We need more natural and less artificial.
  • We need documentaries that empower people. That presents both sides of a point and let’s the viewer form his/her own opinion.  Don’t tell me what to do.  Give me education and empower me to do the right thing.

I think it is irresponsible to vilify an entire food group.  I think that wellness involves a more moderate, inclusive and overall approach.  I believe it should include body, mind and soul.  Food is extremely important, but one must not forget to include enough exercise, adequate sleep, stress control, etc.

The film does a disservice when it says that meat and not sugar is that problem when it comes to diabetes, and everything else for that matter.  If that was true I would be in heaven as I much rather eat sugar then meat.

People shouldn’t automatically remove from their diets all animal products (meats, cheese, milk, eggs), instead they should take a look at what they are not eating that they should be eating instead.  I struggle with carbs and sugar.  I know I should be eating less of them and more fruits and vegetables.  I have been trying to keep a food journal so that I can better see what I am really eating and the changes I need to make. Perhaps I can get to the bottom of the chronic hives I have.

My friend and I spoke about the film a couple of nights ago.  He sounded disappointed that I didn’t like it as much as he did.  I was disappointed that he gave it a free pass on the exaggerated nutritional statements and total biased approach.

I approached it from a nutritional point of view. He approached from an ethical, moral treatment of animals view.  I agree with him that the conditions that some animal are raised and farmed are appalling, but that was not news to me.  It is naive for anyone to think that every meat consumed comes from happy animals roaming free in a pasture listening to music and eating fresh grass.  I had watched different documentaries and have heard many stories since I was a child of how the animals are raised.

I think that if I was a person that ate meat on a daily basis perhaps this documentary would have a bigger affect on me.  Growing up in Brazil meat was expensive, so we never ate a lot of it. Now I rarely make meat at home, so sometimes when I go to restaurants I indulge and that is what my friend sees when we go out.  Perhaps that is why my friend thought I needed to watch it.

At the end of the day I am glad I watched it as it made me think more about what I am eating and not eating and about the animal industry.   Anything that makes us think and be more aware of the world around is a good thing.

As I like to say:  I believe in moderation and balance in all things, except love!

“The single greatest lesson the garden teaches is that our relationship to the planet need not be zero-sum, and that as long as the sun still shines and people still can plan and plant, think and do, we can, if we bother to try, find ways to provide for ourselves without diminishing the world. ”  – Michael Pollan

The second date was a success! Now what?

06 Saturday Jan 2018

Posted by in Daily Life

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“It is not uncommon for someone to be a self-saboteur and compound that by also having a victim mentality. It is as though they are holding their own breath and then blaming others for their inability to breathe. If they can break free from this cycle, everything in their life changes for the better.” – Steve Maraboli

Now I start getting scared and I either run away or I try to scare him away.  I will say something I shouldn’t. I will find faults.

He made the mistake of telling me that he likes me and that there is nothing I can do that will make him go away. He is smitten! I am scared!

What am I afraid of?  I am not sure. Perhaps I fear getting hurt or hurting someone.  Perhaps I fear being cheated on again. Perhaps I fear losing my freedom.

I have been trying to sabotage this potential relationship ever since. My mind is working overtime trying to find problems with him and reasons why it is not going to work.

Even before going on the second date I was already trying to sabotage it. He texted me to ask me which restaurant we should meet at.  I had a problem with that. I wanted him to choose the place.

I know that is a pretty bitchy attitude. Since I am not a bitchy person I think it is my subconscious attempt to mess things up.

I stopped, thought about what I was doing and decided to choose a restaurant instead of telling him that he should choose the place.

I chose a place I had been to before, Lea Wine Bar. It is a nice Tapas and Sushi place with a great atmosphere.  I had 2 lychee martinis that were amazing.  I even had Sushi for the first time.  Even though I have been to some of the best sushi places in Manhattan, I always ordered something else.  This time I tried the eel and it was good. I had some other tapas dishes, empanadas and bruschettas.

I told him at dinner that I like the man to choose the restaurant and that I was initially upset that he had asked me to choose.  He said that he wanted me to choose so that I could choose a convenient location but that from now on he is happy to choose it every time.

He is one of the nicest guys I have ever been on a date with.  My EX (the one that broke my heart and was what caused me to start this blog) was one of the nicest men too. He adored me from day 1. He treated me like a princess.  Then I found out he was cheating.

I don’t want to let that experience prevent me from giving this guy a chance, from giving me a chance. We are both excited about each other and the future, even though we have met only twice.  Unfortunately the weather here in the Northeast is brutal, so we are not sure when we will be meeting again.  Saturday and Sunday the cold will be record breaking and I don’t want him traveling over 1 hr to take me to dinner in such a weather.

He is very thoughtful and wants to take me anywhere I want to go.  He already got tickets for us to go to the Opera. His favorite Opera is La Boheme and he thinks that I will like it too. It is for February 16, which means that we have to be together until then. That is our joke now, that we have to put up with each other until then.

He is respectful, perhaps a bit too respectful. He kissed my hand a couple of minds and finally kissed me when I made it clear that it was okay.  The kiss didn’t blow me away. It was mostly a couple of pecks on my lips. I can tell, and he has told me, that he doesn’t to rush anything and upset me.

I didn’t want the date to end.  It felt comfortable and easy.  We both feel as if we have known each other forever.  It feels right.  But then the minute I step away I start questioning it, dissecting it, looking for problems.

Nothing is happening and I already have visions of missing being single. He is 59, and perhaps he is too old for me.  He lives too far, and I don’t like to drive.  Maybe he doesn’t know how to kiss and I will have to tell him that.  He is a laid back Pisces, I am a in your face Aries.

Now what?  Perhaps I can learn to be quiet and enjoy the moment, and not talk him and myself out of giving this a chance. Perhaps I can learn to not let my past interfere with my future. Perhaps I can just turn off my mind and be here now.

Perhaps I should just breathe!

***

“Closing The Cycle – Paulo Coelho

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through. Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters – whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.

Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents’ house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden?

You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won’t take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that. But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.

None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us. What has passed will not return: we cannot for ever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back.

Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away. That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home. Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts – and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place.

Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the “ideal moment.” Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person – nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust. Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.” 

– Paulo Coelho

Anticipation that makes me giddy and Confrontation that makes my blood boil

03 Wednesday Jan 2018

Posted by in Dating, Finding Me

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“The idea of waiting for something makes it more exciting” – Andy Warhol

A great date!

On December 30th I met someone that drove over an hour in a car with no heat to take me out to dinner.  You probably have heard of how cold the Northeast is now, so he deserves an A for effort alone.  All I had to do was walk out of my building and turn a corner.

By his pictures and short profile I didn’t think we would be a romantic match.  Not that he was ugly, but he had only 3 pictures that were just weird. One of them was a selfie in front of a mirror without a shirt.  I don’t like such pictures.  On another he had spiky hair and looked a bit off.  He looked like an old rocker that perhaps had a little too much to drink. I hope he never reads this lol.  His profile didn’t tell me much, it was just a couple of generic lines.

What made me decide to meet him was his emails to me.  From the first one he took his time and wrote meaningful things.  He asked me interesting questions about things I mentioned in my profile.  He asked me about myself.  I detected openness and honesty.  I was intrigued.  I thought that we could have a nice evening and that the worst it could happen is that I would make a new friend.

He chose a great Italian restaurant.  Extra points for not being cheap.  Upon meeting we just clicked. I saw that he was a bit shy and unsure in the very the beginning, but I think I disarmed him with my friendly attitude.  I really never met a stranger.  He turned out to be so real and open.

“… We need the sweet pain of anticipation to tell us we are really alive.” – Albert Camus

We stared and smiled at each other the whole time.  He was so different than what his pictures had shown.  I told him that.  The hair was still a little spiky but tame. I wanted to touch it but refrained from it.  Some people can be very touchy about their hair. 🙂

Before the night was over he asked me on a second date.  He told me how beautiful and funny I was and that he was having a great time.

We ended the night with a quick hug.  I would have been okay with a kiss, but I so appreciate him being respectful.

We are going on a second date tomorrow. This time we will be meeting in Manhattan. Again he is being considerate and said he will be meet me near the train station so I don’t have to go out of my way.

We both seem equally excited about this second date.  Stay tuned, I am hoping for fireworks.  If you have been reading my blog you know I have gotten excited before and things haven’t always end up well, but I am not letting past experiences curb my enthusiasm.

This anticipation is priceless so I am going to dwell in, marinate in and enjoy every second of it. I am going to be stupidly giddy and happy with butterflies in my stomach.  I am going to hope that holds my hand and that he kisses me.

I hope he is real and I have not dreamed him up.

“Never forget that anticipation is an important part of life. Work’s important, family’s important, but without excitement, you have nothing. You’re cheating yourself if you refuse to enjoy what’s coming.” – Nicholas Sparks

***

“It may be important to great thinkers to examine the world, to explain and despise it. But I think it is only important to love the world, not to despise it, not for us to hate each other, but to be able to regard the world and ourselves and all beings with love, admiration and respect.” – Herman Hesse

One of the worst dates ever!

Even with a second promising date scheduled I decided not to cancel a previously scheduled date I had tonight.

I didn’t like that he was a little evasive about work.  He said he was taking classes at the moment and writing a play.  I wanted to have an open mind and give him the benefit of the doubt.  I am a sucker for people that are passionate about something and he seemed passionate about the arts.

In my conversations with him he seemed a bit awkward. How wrong I was!  He was not awkward, he was just a jerk! And I don’t use that term loosely.

For starters, picture this: We are standing in line at the coffee shop and while I am asking the server a question about a pastry, he orders and pays for his coffee.  I should have said good night right then and there.  If I a guy cannot be courteous enough to pay for the lady’s cup of coffee on the first date then he should have no business attempting to date.

After finding a table and sitting down with our coffees he took a piece of a donut I got after I asked him if he wanted some.  He took a piece, ate it, then started to lick each finger more than once.  I offered him a napkin.  Then he took another piece and repeated the same finger licking exercise.  All of a sudden I didn’t want any more of this amazing coconut cream donut.  Strike 2!

He started talking about a play he wrote about religion.  It seemed interesting and I told him that.  I agreed with him that there are religious fanatics out there and people can get insane about religion.

He sneezed and I said: God bless you.  He responded by saying he didn’t believe in God.  When I opened my mouth to say something he immediately said:  “Here comes the questions”.  And from there things became confrontational.

I asked: What questions?  He said that people normally start questioning him on why he doesn’t believe in God.  I could sense his confrontational tone.  I said that there would be no questions from me as I respected his beliefs and hoped that he would respect that I believe in God and didn’t want to talk about it at that point.

He clearly was disappointed that I didn’t want to engage on a debate over the existence of God.  He ignored my wishes of not wanting to discuss the subject.  He kept going on and on trying to get a reaction out of me.  I kept saying that I could debate it but was not interested in it.

One thing I dislike most is when people try to change my mind about some belief I have.  Specially when I say that I am not interested in discussing it.

He said: “But I should be allowed to say why I don’t believe”.  I said: “Go ahead”

He mentioned that the main reason that he couldn’t believe in God it was because he couldn’t understand if God exists why he chooses to only help some people and not others. And if that is the case God is very incompetent. He said that with a smirk as if he expected that word “incompetent” would make me mad.

At some point in response to something he said I said he had a simplistic view.  He got up got his jacket and said I offended him.  I said that my words were not meant to offend but that if I offended him I apologized.  Truly, I never want to offend anyone and my comment was not meant to offend.  I also said that that was one of the reasons why I didn’t want to discuss it.  The moment I said something he didn’t like he was ready to go.

He sat back down, but instead of changing the subject he continued trying to push me to talk about my reasons for believing in God and to explain that eternal question: “Why bad things happen to good people”

I mentioned that I didn’t have all the answers and I felt it was a deep and long conversation as I would have to talk about all my studies since I was a child and being exposed to all sorts of religions and different philosophies of life, including topics such as spiritualism, reincarnation, karma, etc.

While I don’t have a problem talking about why I chose to believe in God, a Superior being, the Universe, The Light, or whatever name people choose to call it, I felt he was intent in proving me wrong.  He seemed to want a debate and not a healthy discussion.

“Tolerance isn’t about not having beliefs. It’s about how your beliefs lead you to treat people who disagree with you.” – Timothy J. Keller

I know people with different beliefs and have had many great conversations on our different believes.  In the end we end up getting even closer understanding our differences.  I think it is important to try to understand each other, with always having respect at the forefront.  But he seemed intent on proving a point and not open to listening.  I am not interested in that.

It is not only the fact that I said I didn’t want to about it.  It was also not only about what he was saying but how he was saying it.  He had a smirk on his face as if he held the knowledge in his hands and I was this poor ignorant being in the darkness.  I didn’t like the cynicism in his voice and his ironic tone.

Towards the end he started saying that I had issues if I was not willing to discuss different topics.  This is a first date and I think I am allowed to refuse to discuss any subjects I don’t want to discuss. After putting up with it as much as I could and not wanting to be in that negative energy any longer,  this time I was the one getting up and leaving. It never felt as good and freeing walking away from someone.

By the way the whole time there was guy sitting in a table across from listening to our conversation.  He would from time to time just shake his head in disbelief.  At one point I thought he was going to come over. I should have walked to his table when I got up.

Once again, for the record, I am a firm believer in God.  It sustains me, it grounds me and it gives me wings.  But I don’t need people to agree with me.  I am respectful of people that hold different beliefs. I don’t profess to have the right answer and I would be leery of anyone that think that they do.

The only thing that I hope for is the universal belief in the Golden Rule.  Let’s do no harm and let’s strive for peace, understanding and respect.

“What is objectionable, what is dangerous about extremists is not that they are extreme, but that they are intolerant. The evil is not what they say about their cause, but what they say about their opponents.” – Robert F.Kennedy

 

 

of holidays, gratitude and resolutions

28 Thursday Dec 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me, Food

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I hope you all had a fun Christmas with family and friends, or alone.  I spent it alone and it was perfect.  I used to lie about spending holidays alone so I wouldn’t have to endure the pity on people’s faces.

I am alone at holidays for the same reason I am alone in life.  I don’t want to settle! My family lives in another country and I often don’t travel there on holidays.  I guess I also can be sensitive when it comes to invitations.  If someone wants you at their house they should say so, instead of saying something like: “What are you doing on Christmas? If you are not doing anything and want to come over”.  What kind of invitation is that?  To me that it is not an invitation, so I don’t even consider it.

Please don’t you feel sorry for me.  Feel envious of me. I stayed in pajamas the whole day. I had cookies for breakfast. I worked with mosaics with the TV on on some Lifetime feel good movie.  I would rather be skiing, but this was pretty good too.

Now let’s see what New Year’s eve and day will bring.

“You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.” – Max Ehrmann

***
An update on my dental issues, or what I thought were dental issues. This afternoon I am going to see an ENT doctor. It has been over 1 month since my dental surgery and I still feel the same way: gums feel weird, a pressure on the left side of the face. It is not a bad pain, it is an annoying pain, a pressure, a constant reminder that something is off.  At times if feels as if the nerves in the gum are wiggling, like something is brewing under the skin.  When I have that feeling I think good thoughts and I picture my gums growing. I am betting on the power of the mind.

I started a whole program of supplements that my Naturophatic doctor friend prescribed me with the intentions of stimulating the growth of my gums.  When gums start receding they don’t grow back.  I am intent on trying my best to stimulate them to regenerate themselves or at the very least prevent any further recession.  Nothing is impossible to those that believe.

It is the first time that I am hoping to hear from a doctor that something is wrong. If I have a diagnoses then I can start the process of getting it fixed.  Otherwise I am back to square one, returning to the dentist.  I wonder if the surgery I had was even necessary.  The dentist said he saw nothing wrong in the x-ray.  I don’t want to be a guinea pig, specially when my gums/teeth is concerned.

I had this implant done probably 10 years ago.  I will save the story of how I lost that tooth for a following post.  I had to get bone grafts and gum grafts.  Once the implant was put in it didn’t look right as the gum refused to be on top of it.  Crying I asked the dentist why he didn’t tell me that there was the chance of not working.  He said that it works on everyone.  I said:  I am not everyone.  When it comes to my teeth it is always the worst case scenario.

I went to 2 specialists at that time and they both said that there was nothing that could be done. I remember crying in the dentist’s chair.  At that point I returned to the original dentist (still my current dentist) who repeated the procedure and made it look a little better.

The number one compliment I get on my pictures online is on my smile. That should have been a clue that it didn’t actually look that bad!  People focused on the happiness and not on the perfection of my teeth.

This recent surgery caused the gum over the implant and an adjacent tooth to recede it even more.   Now I would give anything to be back to the way things were before.  There is a huge lesson here:  Be grateful for all you have, even the things that perhaps you are not 100% happy with.  Things can change and be taken away from you in a second.

in Brazil we have a saying:  “Eu era feliz e nao sabia”.  The translation means : ” I was happy and didn’t know it”.  We say that when we want to tell someone to appreciate what they have instead of just complaining and wanting more.

Just a thought: Is there anything in your life that you should be grateful for instead of complaining about?

“Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.” – Epicurus

***

The New Year provides everyone a chance to shed the old and embrace the new.  Some people make resolutions and come up with lists and plans to improve their bodies, lives, etc.

I don’t make New Years resolutions, not because I don’t have anything to improve on or because I don’t have anything I want to change, but because I feel I am constantly thinking of changes.  My life is a constant list of improvements.  I make resolutions every night as I lay down to sleep and think about my day and everything I want to change about it.

And every time I do that I realize that resolutions never work.  Next evening I will be thinking about the same issues and resolving to make a change.  It is a vicious cycle.  I believe that if you want to make a change, the time to do it is now, not some time in the future. Scheduling changes rarely work.

Start whatever you want to change now.  Start living the life you want now.

I am guilty of not accomplishing things that I plan to start in the future.  Things that I stick to and see to completion are things that I resolved and started on that very moment the decision was made.

I once gave up chocolate for one year. A fact that shocked everyone as I used to be a chocoholic. I started on a Friday afternoon. Ex looked at me and after laughing at my crazy idea proposed that I should start on Monday. I said I have to do it now or I will never do it.  I am proud to say that for one entire year I had no chocolate of any kind.  If I had scheduled to start on Monday I would never have done.

With all that being said I do have plans for 2018.  I want a simpler 2018. I want to simplify,minimize and declutter my home, my office, my life.  I want less of anything material.  But I have already started that process.  I am attacking my closet like I have never done it before.  Unlike I have done in the past I am not just shuffling things around and making little difference.  This time I am being really drastic about it.

I always like organization and cleaning . I feel lighter, it is cathartic and empowering. As it is I don’t normally hoard anything, but I have realized that I have candles, wine, perfume, underwear, some clothing, some shoes, etc, all waiting for a perfect occasion.

The special occasion is now, the important person it is me!!

Tomorrow may never come and if it does I will go out and buy what I need, or even better, the Universe is always one step ahead of me and it provides me with everything I need when I need it.

“Good resolutions are like babies crying in church. They should be carried out immediately.” -Charles M. Sheldon

All I want for Christmas is a lustful love affair!!

21 Thursday Dec 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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“I will be waiting here….
For your silence to break,
For your soul to shake,
For your love to wake!”
― Rumi 

I went on a second date with the 34 year old accountant.  It was not really a second date, it was more like a friendly meeting.  I had already mentioned to him that this would be just friendship.  We did kiss on the first date and there were some sparks but I thought the age difference would be too much for this to develop into something meaningful.

I met him in the lobby of the building he works at.  From there we walked to 42nd street to take the subway to 74th street to go to the bakery.  It was rush hour and the trains were packed.  I am so glad that I don’t have to take the subway every day.  I take the Metro North train which, even though crowded,  is much more civilized than the subway at rush hour.

“Reason is powerless in the expression of Love.” – Rumi

We got out of the subway and walked a few blocks to Levain bakery.  I got cookies for me and my co-worker.  It was a tiny space and there was a line.  The smell in there was heavenly.  The workers were all happy and smiley.  I didn’t eat any right then and there because we were going to have dinner first.  I was craving a burger for the longest time and wanted a Shake Shack Smoke Shack first.  Luckily there was one a few blocks away.

The burger was delicious, specially since I hadn’t had one in awhile.  M is a really nice guy.  The conversation just flowed.  He tried convincing me to date him but he was not pushy and accepted friendship.

“When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy.” – Rumi

After the burger he asked if I wanted to see his apartment.  Normally that would probably be an invitation to make out but in this case I knew I would be safe from making out and from being attacked. I knew enough of his personal information and had spoken to him enough to know that it would be fine.   He just moved in and wanted to show off his apartment.

I don’t recommend anyone going to anyone’s house on a second date or 3rd or 4th if they don’t know the person well.  Everyone please be safe out there!

“Don’t be satisfied with stories, how things have gone with others. Unfold your own myth.” – Rumi

He lives on the Upper East side.  It is a small apartment but it is in an awesome location, great building, has great closet space, including a walk-in,  and a balcony with a good view.  I told him that he needs to clean and organize better.  That was not nice of me, but I figure it is a good tip if want to bring girls home.  He has just moved in so I am sure eventually it will be better.

After he showed me the apartment, we sat on the couch and talked for little while. Then he walked me outside where I got into a cab.  There was a hug and kiss on the cheek goodbye.  I have so much respect for him not trying to kiss me while in his apartment. I think I did expect him to try and me to say no, so I was so happy that he did listen to me and didn’t try changing my mind.  Since then we have been texting and will probably hang out together when he returns from vacation in Florida.

“You are not a drop in the ocean. You are the entire ocean in a drop.” – Rumi

Somewhere between getting cookies and getting into a cab to go home I realized I am being a hypocrite.  I told him (and you guys) that the reason I was not going to date him it was the age difference.  The truth is that if there was enough chemistry I probably would embark on a relationship with him even with the age difference.  Even knowing that I would probably get hurt in the end.  There goes the virtuous person I thought I was.

Perhaps is the hormones speaking or perhaps is having AL in my mind.   A girl has needs and it has been way too long… and getting longer.

Since  AL popped up in my mind accidentally I can’t help thinking about the amazing times we had together, in and out of bed. I want those feelings and excitement back.

“Words are a pretext. It is the inner bond that draws one person to another, not words.” – Rumi

The other day I contemplated reaching out to him.

I didn’t! I am not even sure what I wanted to accomplish.  That would have been a colossal mistake.  He is married, and I am sure our chemistry didn’t miraculously disappear. I do miss the friendship that we had after breaking up.  Even though it was laced with flirting. If we tried reconnecting it would probably revert back to flirting in no time.  Flirting can always lead to something more.

On this one point I am not confused or hypocritical about: a married man is someone I am not interested in getting involved romantically with.

I don’t like how things ended between AL and I but I realize that we would probably never be able to have just a friendship.  There was too much chemistry.  I also cannot say that he really hurt me as I really never gave him my heart to hurt.   I guess I was mostly disappointed.

“The minute I heard my first love story,
I started looking for you, not knowing
how blind that was.
Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere.
They’re in each other all along.”- Rumi

Someone on a dating site the other day asked me what I am looking for.  I normally say that I am looking for companionship.  I want to find someone to have a committed relationship with.  Now I don’t know what I want anymore.

I am getting to the point that I don’t believe in everlasting anything.  I WANT PASSION!  Young or old, I want passion.  I want positive energy, a zest for life, I want adventure and not cold tired complacency.  This has nothing to do with age, but a willingness to live!

Perhaps is my way of really not committing to anyone.  I keep always having hurdles for people to jump over.  When I meet someone either just online or in person I look for the problems first.  I always think how this person will not fit in my life and it is not good for me.  In a way I am not giving anyone a real chance. Of course, the rare time I am willing to give them a chance I don’t hear back from them.  Chances are that if I heard back from them I would find a reason to dismiss them.

“Forget safety.
Live where you fear to live.
Destroy your reputation.
Be notorious.” – Rumi

Today is a day that I feel like taking risks.  I would risk pain to just feel alive.  I guess today is a lustful day!  It is a Rumi kind of day.  A day that makes you want to dance with the possibilities.  A day that welcomes pain as part of the path to pleasure.

Something needs to be said about passion, about giving yourself to someone  no matter the circumstances.  I look for the fairy-tale, for my soul mate but I will take the torrid love affair in the mean time.  They make you feel like dancing.  They make you feel alive.  They twist your bed sheets and your brain.  They make you think unmentionables.  They make you leap and fly.

If you are confused by this post, sorry so am I!

“Set your life on fire. Seek those who fan your flames” – Rumi