Monthly Archives: July 2019

Two fun weekends and two guys named Joe

31 Wednesday Jul 2019

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“Reclaim your curiosity, your sense of adventure, and have some fun. Don’t take every moment of your life so seriously. Allow yourself to enjoy life.” ― Akiroq Brost

A little glimpse of what I have been doing the last couple of weeks, when I was not too busy texting a married guy (a little self-deprecation humor never hurts)

Work:  I sent the final response letter to the auditors yesterday.  I thought this day would never come.  I hope this response is acceptable and I won’t hear from them for another few years.   Now I am preparing for a lot changes at work. I will be talking more about it in the next month or so.

My sister and I had a busy couple of weekends with friends visiting.

July 20th. A 27 year old friend of mine came for the weekend. On Saturday we went to a Quiet Clubbing/Silent Disco event at 230 Fifth Ave in Manhattan.  We were given headphones with 3 stations.  There were 3 DJs and we got to choose which one to listen to.  I had fun flipping from station to station and when it all got too much I just removed the headphones and silence reigned.  It was a fun experience.  On Sunday we went for brunch at Chat 19 in Larchmont, NY.  Always a favorite place to go to for a meal.

July 27th. A 57 year old friend of my sister visited.  On Saturday we went to a new restaurant I wanted to try: Little Drunken Chef in White Plains, NY.  It was a fun atmosphere and great food. We had, among other things, the empanadas in the picture above.  After that we went to the Empire City Casino.  No big win, but no big loss either.  On Sunday we had pizza at Colony Pizza in Port Chester, NY.  It was my first time eating their pizza in over 20 years.  It is a very thin crust, delicious! I also had the best prosecco ever, in the picture below!

Dates: In the past week I had 2 dates with guys named Joe.

First Joe.  He is 50 years old. He is in IT and has a young son. We met at Modern Restaurant in New Rochelle.  We shared a pizza.  He seems very nice, but is constantly busy even to reply to texts.  It seems more like lack of interest.  He asked me out for drinks next Monday night because he will be in my area for business.  I am not sure I like the idea of being asked out just because it is convenient.  I was not excited about him to begin with, so I think the second date will not happen.

Second Joe.  He is 65 years old. He is semi-retired accountant. We met at Burrata in White Plains, NY.  I had delicious short ribs filled pasta dish.   The conversation was great until it turned to politics.  I am not a fan of Trump but I am respectful of other people’s opinion.  He is a hardcore Trump fan.  He detests immigrants, but as he says it, from certain countries only, trying to tell me that Brazilians are okay, but Guatemalans are not.  He wanted to go on and on about Trump to try to change my mind.  I asked him to stop.  I said I understood both sides of the immigration debate, and I do.  I said I hope that Trump is successful as I love the US but it would be a waste of time to try to change how I feel about him.  Finally I was able to change the subject and it seemed that we were able to forget about politics and enjoy dinner.

I got home and sent a text thanking him for dinner.  He replied the next morning with a long list of compliments about me, with everything from smart to funny and everything else in between.  Then there was just silence.  I was not excited about him but I decided to confront the silence.  That is a new thing for me.  I would normally just ignore, since silence is an answer in itself but I decided to ask what happened.

He replied with, again, many compliments but said that he was no sure about me because of our political separation. He said he loved Trump and he was not happy about Obama.  Why did Obama make an appearance in this conversation I don’t know.  I said thank you for the explanation and wished him luck.

Next!

“Attitude is a choice. Happiness is a choice. Optimism is a choice. Kindness is a choice. Giving is a choice. Respect is a choice. Whatever choice you make makes you. Choose wisely.” ― Roy T. Bennett

Right before that little distraction can lead to disaster and destruction

25 Thursday Jul 2019

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files

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“Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.” ― Steve Maraboli

I almost didn’t write this post.  It is embarrassing. I should know better.  I know better!  And yet I make a fool of myself and all that I believe in.  I try to be a good person and, dare I say, I often succeed. But I am not proud of what I am about to tell you.

A couple of months ago I have wrote this post about eliminating the distractions from my life: https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.com/2019/05/09/eliminating-the-distractions/

I wanted to get rid of all the stuff and the people that were not contributing anything positive to my life and that were keeping me from focusing on what is really important in my life. I felt liberated and powerful when I blocked those 3 guys I mentioned on the post.

Somehow I still got a text from AL the other day.  I could have ignored it, but I replied.  The idea of him is still so enticing to me even though I haven’t seen him since he got engaged, 3 years ago.  The power of ‘what could have been” if I was not 17 years older than he is still keeps ringing in my ear.

“Yesterday is not ours to recover, but tomorrow is ours to win or lose.” ― Lyndon B. Johnson

We dated for over 6 months and it was some of the best times of my life. He didn’t say we stopped seeing each other because of the age difference but I know that it had a lot to do with it.  He got busy with a new business venture and we slowly drifted apart. One day I asked him if he had a girlfriend and he said yes.

We still saw each other from time to time, mostly as friends.  Then he told me he got engaged and I chose to never see him again.  I also asked him to stopped texting me, but after almost a year of silence we started texting again.  Then he got married. Again I tried to stop the texting and we would go long stretches not texting, months and months, but I would always end up giving in.

“When we are tired, we are attacked by ideas we conquered long ago.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche

Then as I mentioned on that post,  I made the decision to block some people, and somehow his text arrived.  He sent a text commenting about a soccer game, I replied.  After talking about soccer we were right back to where we always go back to: the memories of the amazing times we had.  The chemistry we have seems to be bigger than us.

This time, as he had done in the past, he asked me out for a drink to catch up. This time unlike I have done so many times in the past, I said yes.  We scheduled for last Wednesday night. I was excited about seeing him again. For a brief moment I allowed myself to forget he was married.  I was lying to myself that it was just a drink with a friend. I was making all kinds of stories in my mind on why it was okay to meet him.  I was holding on to memories of a fun, free time.

“We are products of our past, but we don’t have to be prisoners of it.” ― Rick Warren

I was lying to myself and I knew it.  We would never be able to sit across from each other and just have a drink, even though we have done it in the past.  There is too much tension now, too much flirting, and too many innuendos.  The time apart created this enormous tension.

Was I ready to kiss a married man?  I knew in my heart that would be the outcome.  I was telling myself that if he is this eager perhaps he is not even married anymore.  We never talked about the wife after he got engaged.  As if not talking about her made her didn’t exist.

This drink held so much potential…potential for destruction.

He was more insistent than normal. He was more full of innuendos, texting me more, everything more.  My gut was trying to tell me something, as if knowing he was married was not something big enough to stop me on my tracks. I sensed something else.  I figured it was my conscience telling me to stop. I sensed doom.

I can’t explain what made me do it, but the day before meeting him I Googled his wife’s name.

BOOM!  There it was!  It hit me like a ton of bricks. All of a sudden saying no to him became so easy.  All of a sudden I woke up from that dreamy stupor of “what if”.  I came face to face with a Baby registry. AL and his wife are about to have a baby in 3 months.

“Men more frequently require to be reminded than informed.” ― Samuel Johnson

I shouldn’t have been shocked but I was. Here he was, trying to meet me while  he has a pregnant wife at home. I immediately asked him and he said: yes, I was saving the news to tell you when we met.

What??? Like that was some great news to me worth celebrating. Like that was really what he had in mind for this meeting.

In 1 second I lost all respect I ever had for him.  And for me!

Don’t get me wrong.  I am happy for him but so grossed out that I almost met him. So grossed out and embarrassed by all my flirting. I should have stopped all this, I don’t even know what to call this.  I should have stopped years ago.

It shouldn’t take a baby to make see all that is wrong with this.  But I do thank that baby for waking me up.

“I demolish my bridges behind me…then there is no choice but to move forward” ― Fridtjof Nansen

I think that for a little bit I just didn’t think and allowed the past memories to take over me.  Whatever excuse I use now it is just that, excuses.  I was willing to meet a married man under the guise of friendship knowing fully well that we both wanted more than just talk.

I can’t let my guard down. I have to stop leaving the door of the past open.  I have to close doors and implode bridges.  I can’t live trying to relive the past.  I have to deal with my reality, with being 53, with being single, and yearning for more.  But wait, don’t cry for me, my reality is pretty sweet. It is just a case of “greener grass”.  I have real grass and the other side AstroTurf.

I said that to him I couldn’t meet him.  And that was that.  There was no big good bye.  There was no declaration of never texting again, there was none of that, and still it was as final as ever. My final words were: “whatever you do, be careful.  You have a lot to lose!”

My lesson is: I need to be watchful of my words, intentions and actions.  Every action has a consequence that often goes beyond myself.  I am embarrassed that I continued flirting with someone that was not available.  I know better.  I know the pain of being cheated on. I know right from wrong.  The blame is all on me. Nobody had a gun to my head forcing me to reply to him.

Oh well, live, learn and try to do better next time.  Good bye past, I have a future to get to!

“It is important that we forgive ourselves for making mistakes. We need to learn from our errors and move on.” ― Steve Maraboli

When the subject is dating, B is history

15 Monday Jul 2019

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating

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I don’t know what happened exactly but it probably had to do with the 2 questions/points I brought up on the last date. After that conversation he was calling and texting less often, which is what I wanted.  I felt I could breathe and for a second I felt this relationship would have a chance.  I was wrong.

Last night I received a call from him.  He sounded serious and said he wanted to be honest with me and share some thoughts he was having.  I knew in my heart that he didn’t want a relationship anymore even before he said anything.

He said that he had been thinking about “us” and remembered things he had learned in therapy.  He said there was competition between us and that reminded him of his ex-wife.  I was just going to let him speak without interruption, but I had to ask: Competition?  What competition? I am a competitive person, but not when it comes to dating.  He then back pedaled and said that he didn’t mean “competition”, he meant conflict, he meant that we are not on the same level.

Was he trying to say that I was competing with him financially? I was not.  We have different styles.  At any rate I didn’t see the need to argue the point with him.  At the end of the day he wants to stop seeing me and I agree with that.  No sense in splitting hairs.

I let him speak some more.  He was talking a mile a minute, as if he was trying to assure himself he was doing the right thing or perhaps he was trying to find the right words to let me down easy, the “it is me, not you” type of thing.

He didn’t have to. I am weirdly relieved. Back to the comfort of single-hood. Back to searching.

At one point, when it seemed that he was just making the same point over and over again, I thanked him for his honesty and wished him luck.

And I meant it, he an awesome guy, I wish him the best.  There is a right person for him, but I am not the one.

He immediately blocked me on the dating site.  I don’t get!  A day ago he acted as if I was the love of his life, today I am persona non-grata. Oh well…But perhaps I understand it. Perhaps he wants to make sure that there is no turning back.

I still think I did the right thing by speaking up about what was giving me concern about pursuing a relationship with him.  Was it too early to talk about things? I think it is never too early.  I believe in honesty and kindness. The only kind thing to do is to be honest.

He probably learned not to be too eager, or appear too needy, or disclose his finances on the first date.  I learned…I am not sure what I learned, but I know there is always a lesson. Oftentimes more than one.

“Most of us do not take these situations as teachings. We automatically hate them. We run like crazy. We use all kinds of ways to escape — all addictions stem from this moment when we meet our edge and we just can’t stand it. We feel we have to soften it, pad it with something, and we become addicted to whatever it is that seems to ease the pain.”  ― Pema Chödrön

He survived the third date. Will there be a fourth?

13 Saturday Jul 2019

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating

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The third date with B was on Wednesday night.  We went to a new restaurant in my town called Maria.  The place was beautiful and cozy, the food and service was good.  I would go back.

I met B in front of my building.  He brought me the roses in the picture above.  He opens car doors, he pulls chairs, he laughs at all of my jokes, he looks adoringly at me.  He is a gentleman.

But something still seems to keep me from investing 100% of me into this relationship.  I overthink things.  I think in terms of months down the road.

I can think of 2 reasons why I would be hesitant:

  1. I am afraid of getting hurt. I want to say that is not the case, but could it be?
  2. I am afraid of hurting him. For sure I would rather break things off now if I know that I am going to end up hurting him. Will I be able to like him the same way that he seems to like me?

It seems that I went from having my heart do all the talking to now just having my mind completely take over. I am lost without my heart to guide me.

I brought up to him the 2 concerns that I mentioned in the prior post.

  1. The financial issue.  I am concerned he doesn’t know how to manage his money. I am concerned that he spends frivolously instead of paying bills first.  To this he mentioned that when he was married his wife liked to spend a lot money.  He said that he tried to make her happy by buying her whatever she wanted I called him on it, after all it takes two to tango.  He said that he has learned his lesson and never uses a credit unless he has the money to pay.  His credit card bill was 70k and is now 18k.  I am keeping an open mind.
  2. Liking me a bit too much too soon.  I mentioned to him that I like attention but if it is overboard, it seems fake and he will send me running.  Jokingly, he said he will try not to like me too much.  I have noticed that since the date he has toned down the texting and calling. I feel better about it.

oh yeah, I am forgetting the best part. We kissed, and it was good!  Soft lips, gentle, and yet passionate.  I wouldn’t mind kissing him again.

At this point I am choosing to take the slow, one day at a time approach.

Stay tuned… I am!

“Hopeless heart that thrives on paradox; that longs for the beloved and is secretly relieved when the beloved is not there.” ― Jeanette Winterson, The Passion

3rd date: Give me space and spend wisely

10 Wednesday Jul 2019

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I am going on a third date with B tonight.  I am still unsure about him but I am trying to keep an open mind.

B is 48, young and fun.  He is in amazing shape, and more amazingly he thinks I am in great shape (I am not, losing 10/20 pounds in my belly and thighs would make everything so much better).  Besides a job in the financial industry he also teaches martial arts in the evenings.  He is recently divorced and at this point has a good relationship with the ex and the 2 college aged kids.

The first date was in a restaurant near my home, called Magnos.  It was fun and we talked non-stop.  The food was almost an afterthought.  The second date was near his home at a restaurant called Mamajuana.  Again it was a lot fun.  He drove me home after the dinner.

I thought he would kiss me and therefore I would have a better idea about chemistry but he gave me a peck on the lips.  It just felt friendly and not at all romantic.

On the first date, he was refreshingly honest, just like me. I normally think that I talk too much and volunteer too much information about myself. But at the end of the day I feel it is better for somebody to know me right away. I don’t have time to waste, and I don’t want to waste anybody’s time either. I have yet to master the art of leaving a little mystery.

“Money is only a tool. It will take you wherever you wish, but it will not replace you as the driver.” ― Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged

Even though his honesty was refreshing I am not sure I wanted to know that he owes money on his credit card and hopes to pay it off in 2 years.  He also said he likes to travel first class and to treat himself well.  I guess being told something like that gave me the impression that he is not good with his money.

I am extremely conservative when it comes to finances.  I guess because I have been supporting myself and helping my family since I was 17 years old made me realize the need to spend wisely and save every penny.  If I don’t have it I don’t spend it.  I use my credit often because I want to get the miles/points but I pay it off every month.  The idea of letting debt get out of hand scares me.

Don’t get me wrong I will spend on the things and people I love.  I work hard and save for the luxury of treating my family, of going on trips, of being able to help other and  not living paycheck to paycheck.

“I’d like to live as a poor man with lots of money.” ― Pablo Picasso

Because he mentioned debt, on the first date I offered to split the bill.  That is something I never do.  I feel that the man should be able to afford the first date, and that is why I don’t care what it is, I am fine with a cup of coffee at Starbucks.  When I offered to help he paused then said: You get the next one.  I would have rather another response, but I asked so I cannot have both ways.

So the second date I paid for.  I have no problems paying for anything but at the same time I don’t want to feel burdened or pressured to do so, or because I am guilty that I have more money than he does.

The other issue, and I even hate to say it:  He seems to like me too much.  I know I am a catch 😉 but he just met me.  I like being told that I am funny, smart, etc, but if someone keeps saying that over and over it starts to sound a bit phony.  He calls and texts every day, I feel closed in.  My sister says that I would be jumping for joy every time the phone rang if I like him.  That fact that I don’t is perhaps a sign.

According to astrology, if you want to attract an Aries woman(me), one of the things you must do is:

  • Keep her guessing– she likes attention and she likes to be the centre of the stage, but it is not important for her. What is important is that she has a good time; and to have a good time she needs to be challenged in the relationship. If you are too easy to conquer, she loses interest quickly; if you are too difficult, she’ll move on. You need to practice the blow hot, blow hot for a while until you get make up her mind.

Sad to say that is way too accurate about me.

Tonight I think I will bring up those two issues tonight.  It will be uncomfortable but necessary, and perhaps he deserves to know exactly the way I feel instead of just breaking things off before it starts.

Perhaps I am just afraid of commitment and the moment I have someone that likes me I am ready to run so I just looking for any and all excuses I can find.

So, wish me luck, I will be back here tomorrow to report on the 3rd date.

“Without commitment, you cannot have depth in anything, whether it’s a relationship, a business or a hobby.” ― Neil Strauss

What is worst than pulling teeth?

07 Sunday Jul 2019

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating

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What is worst than pulling teeth?

A date with an arrogant dentist!  But excuse me; he is not a regular dentist, as he reminded me a bunch of times.  He is a prothodontist.   He makes a lot of money, which he made a point of telling me more than once.

The date was all about him.  Besides talking about how successful he was, he enjoyed talking about being popular with young women.  The last 2 women he dated were less than half his age.  He said he broke things off when they wanted to have sex after only a few dates and he doesn’t want that.  He wants a commitment.  If he wants a commitment why is he going out with women that are younger than his youngest son?  I didn’t bother asking that.

He also wanted to talk a lot about online dating itself, the website and his experience there, all negative.  He didn’t make a single positive comment about it.  While I agree online dating could be much better I think it is silly to waste time on a first date complaining about it.  After all, online dating is the place that brought us together.  He focused too much on all the is negative.  I don’t like complainers.

When I was able to get a word in he made sure to disagree with me.  It seems he just disagreed for the sake of disagreeing.  A lot doesn’t bother me so I made the best of it and stayed for the whole dinner, but needless to say there will be no second date.

Speaking of second dates.  I did have a second date with B.  I haven’t mentioned him here yet, so the next post will be all about him.  Stay tuned.

“Self-centered people often get angry when someone tells them no.  Stan said yes out of fear that he would lose love and that other people would get angry at him. These false motives and others keep us from setting boundaries:” ― Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life