“Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.” ― Steve Maraboli
I almost didn’t write this post. It is embarrassing. I should know better. I know better! And yet I make a fool of myself and all that I believe in. I try to be a good person and, dare I say, I often succeed. But I am not proud of what I am about to tell you.
A couple of months ago I have wrote this post about eliminating the distractions from my life: https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.com/2019/05/09/eliminating-the-distractions/
I wanted to get rid of all the stuff and the people that were not contributing anything positive to my life and that were keeping me from focusing on what is really important in my life. I felt liberated and powerful when I blocked those 3 guys I mentioned on the post.
Somehow I still got a text from AL the other day. I could have ignored it, but I replied. The idea of him is still so enticing to me even though I haven’t seen him since he got engaged, 3 years ago. The power of ‘what could have been” if I was not 17 years older than he is still keeps ringing in my ear.
“Yesterday is not ours to recover, but tomorrow is ours to win or lose.” ― Lyndon B. Johnson
We dated for over 6 months and it was some of the best times of my life. He didn’t say we stopped seeing each other because of the age difference but I know that it had a lot to do with it. He got busy with a new business venture and we slowly drifted apart. One day I asked him if he had a girlfriend and he said yes.
We still saw each other from time to time, mostly as friends. Then he told me he got engaged and I chose to never see him again. I also asked him to stopped texting me, but after almost a year of silence we started texting again. Then he got married. Again I tried to stop the texting and we would go long stretches not texting, months and months, but I would always end up giving in.
“When we are tired, we are attacked by ideas we conquered long ago.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche
Then as I mentioned on that post, I made the decision to block some people, and somehow his text arrived. He sent a text commenting about a soccer game, I replied. After talking about soccer we were right back to where we always go back to: the memories of the amazing times we had. The chemistry we have seems to be bigger than us.
This time, as he had done in the past, he asked me out for a drink to catch up. This time unlike I have done so many times in the past, I said yes. We scheduled for last Wednesday night. I was excited about seeing him again. For a brief moment I allowed myself to forget he was married. I was lying to myself that it was just a drink with a friend. I was making all kinds of stories in my mind on why it was okay to meet him. I was holding on to memories of a fun, free time.
“We are products of our past, but we don’t have to be prisoners of it.” ― Rick Warren
I was lying to myself and I knew it. We would never be able to sit across from each other and just have a drink, even though we have done it in the past. There is too much tension now, too much flirting, and too many innuendos. The time apart created this enormous tension.
Was I ready to kiss a married man? I knew in my heart that would be the outcome. I was telling myself that if he is this eager perhaps he is not even married anymore. We never talked about the wife after he got engaged. As if not talking about her made her didn’t exist.
This drink held so much potential…potential for destruction.
He was more insistent than normal. He was more full of innuendos, texting me more, everything more. My gut was trying to tell me something, as if knowing he was married was not something big enough to stop me on my tracks. I sensed something else. I figured it was my conscience telling me to stop. I sensed doom.
I can’t explain what made me do it, but the day before meeting him I Googled his wife’s name.
BOOM! There it was! It hit me like a ton of bricks. All of a sudden saying no to him became so easy. All of a sudden I woke up from that dreamy stupor of “what if”. I came face to face with a Baby registry. AL and his wife are about to have a baby in 3 months.
“Men more frequently require to be reminded than informed.” ― Samuel Johnson
I shouldn’t have been shocked but I was. Here he was, trying to meet me while he has a pregnant wife at home. I immediately asked him and he said: yes, I was saving the news to tell you when we met.
What??? Like that was some great news to me worth celebrating. Like that was really what he had in mind for this meeting.
In 1 second I lost all respect I ever had for him. And for me!
Don’t get me wrong. I am happy for him but so grossed out that I almost met him. So grossed out and embarrassed by all my flirting. I should have stopped all this, I don’t even know what to call this. I should have stopped years ago.
It shouldn’t take a baby to make see all that is wrong with this. But I do thank that baby for waking me up.
“I demolish my bridges behind me…then there is no choice but to move forward” ― Fridtjof Nansen
I think that for a little bit I just didn’t think and allowed the past memories to take over me. Whatever excuse I use now it is just that, excuses. I was willing to meet a married man under the guise of friendship knowing fully well that we both wanted more than just talk.
I can’t let my guard down. I have to stop leaving the door of the past open. I have to close doors and implode bridges. I can’t live trying to relive the past. I have to deal with my reality, with being 53, with being single, and yearning for more. But wait, don’t cry for me, my reality is pretty sweet. It is just a case of “greener grass”. I have real grass and the other side AstroTurf.
I said that to him I couldn’t meet him. And that was that. There was no big good bye. There was no declaration of never texting again, there was none of that, and still it was as final as ever. My final words were: “whatever you do, be careful. You have a lot to lose!”
My lesson is: I need to be watchful of my words, intentions and actions. Every action has a consequence that often goes beyond myself. I am embarrassed that I continued flirting with someone that was not available. I know better. I know the pain of being cheated on. I know right from wrong. The blame is all on me. Nobody had a gun to my head forcing me to reply to him.
Oh well, live, learn and try to do better next time. Good bye past, I have a future to get to!
“It is important that we forgive ourselves for making mistakes. We need to learn from our errors and move on.” ― Steve Maraboli