“You will never reach your destination if you stop and throw stones at every dog that barks.” ― Winston S. Churchill
Distractions comes in all shapes and sizes and varieties. One of the major distractions for me are people. They cloud my vision. They provide instant, but temporary gratification. They feed my attention seeking self. They come in and out of my life whenever they please and they keep me from focusing on the important things and people.
They are not to blame. I am to blame. I leave the door open. I welcome them. It is like I am willing to re-read the same book over and over again, knowing that I am going to hate the ending.
And time and time again, they disappear, leaving behind the certainty that they should never have returned to begin with. That I should never have welcomed them.
“Stop letting other people hijack your day.” ― Frank Sonnenberg
Right now there are 3 men that I can think of that I allow to mess with my feelings and life with these comings and goings. This is mostly in texting and phone calls, but the disturbance is there no matter what. And the feeling that I shouldn’t be talking to them is also there.
There is AL, the very young one that still populates my wildest imaginations. I have written about him a few times. I am always in search of permission to go ahead and talk to him, even though he is married and we always end up in very racy flirty texts. He comes in and all of a sudden we are both reliving the past in texts that do nothing except frustrate me.
I haven’t seen AL since he got married (almost 2 years ago). I think we both realized that meeting would lead to disaster.
“How tragic it is to find that an entire lifetime is wasted in pursuit of distractions while purpose is neglected.” ― Sunday Adelaja
Then there is JW. Someone I also wrote about it here. We never seemed to be single at the same time. With him there is no sexual tension but there is always that “what if” permeating every conversation. And then there was that one time when he called me out of the blue and said “I will always love you”. It blew my mind. Yeah, I fall those lines.
With JW there is no flirty texts or such things. With him is more intelligent phone conversations, but still my mind and hearts races.
I haven’t seen JW since he started going out with the woman that is now his wife. We talk about meeting for a drink to talk about business and writing, but it never happened.
Then there is FL. He doesn’t resurface often, but when he does he makes me feel like the most wanted woman in the Universe. I bask in his attention. I never wanted him in the first place. Then he returns after so long and my mind starts playing tricks on me. He planned meetings that never happened. He laid low for a couple of weeks and now has returned again.
“Frequently we do not leave the past behind. We clasp on to it. We dissect it, and let fears for the future, tempered by the past, unconsciously prevent us from taking up the task eternal.” ― Ray Simpson
In all these 3 cases, even though it involves different dynamic and history, I now realize that I am not a player, I am the toy. Things are not as fun when you realize that. I thought that all was fine because I was aware of what I was doing and I had no intention of having an affair with any of them. I saw them all as fun and entertainment, something to distract my mind from the stress of work.
Then I realized that I was doing myself more harm than good. These innocent flirting are not so harmless after-all. By entertaining ideas of things that would never happened (having an affair) I was detracting my focus and energy from all that is really important, from the people that come into my life for the right reasons.
Leaving the door always open to the past is a huge mistake. The past is the past and should stay there. Perhaps I should just revisit to remind myself of mistakes I should not repeat.
“We rarely find answers in the distractions. But oh what possibilities live within the quiet of solitude. In my fear to be alone, I distracted myself away from
the deep beauty of my own solitude.” ― Scott Stabile
I have asked myself if were they fully committed to being with me would I want them? I think the answer is no. I only seem to want them because they are unavailable.
With all of them I keep thinking that we could be friends, but we can’t really. I have this fantasy idea of friends for life. I need to grow up. Just because somebody had a page in a chapter of my life it doesn’t mean that they have to have a role in the rest of the book. I get to write it the way I want it with the characters I want.
I decided to get off this hamster wheel. It hasn’t been easy. I thought about writing to them and explaining myself but decided against it. JW called last week. I hadn’t hear from him in probably 3 or 4 months. I didn’t answer the phone. AL texted yesterday. First text since March 8th. I have not replied. FL sent messages yesterday and today.
Today I blocked them all. Time to clean up. It is tough as these men have been such a huge part of my life and history for so long. A couple of times I went back and unblocked them. But now I am standing firm and putting myself first.
I need to make sure that my actions are in line with my goals.
“We lead our lives so poorly because we arrive in the present always unprepared, incapable, and too distracted for everything.” ― Rainer Maria Rilke