Monthly Archives: June 2018

Not just faces, they do have names

28 Thursday Jun 2018

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“There is neither happiness nor misery in the world; there is only the comparison of one state with another, nothing more. He who has felt the deepest grief is best able to experience supreme happiness. We must have felt what it is to die, Morrel, that we may appreciate the enjoyments of life.
” Live, then, and be happy, beloved children of my heart, and never forget, that until the day God will deign to reveal the future to man, all human wisdom is contained in these two words, ‘Wait and Hope.” ― Alexandre Dumas

A couple of days ago I was walking through Grand Central and a man on a wheelchair looked familiar.  He reminded me of Milton.  Please see here for a post about Milton– https://atomic-temporary-33385295.wpcomstaging.com/2013/07/16/milton-my-new-friend/

He had his back to me as I passed.  I went by him and then turned around and went back.  It could have been Milton.  I had to make sure.  I approached him and said: Milton?  He said: no.  I asked what was his name and he said: Cedric.

I was a bit sad it was not Milton, but then again I like thinking he is living comfortably in an apartment somewhere in NY City.   I asked Cedric where he lives and he said he sleeps in a shelter. I asked him if he knew Milton.  He said they never crossed paths.

I thought for a second  about the fact that Cedric didn’t say he lives in a shelter.  He said he sleeps in a shelter. A shelter is just a place to sleep at night.  Laura (I am talking about her next) told me that on rainy days she had to go and sit in a diner because she could stay in the shelter.  I cannot imagine not having a place to call home, a place to actually live at.  We that do have a place to call home are so blessed.  Think about that for a second.

Anytime I saw Milton I would stop and talk, and also give him a couple of dollars.  More important than the money I think it was the time and attention. He was always smiling. He had told me that the city of New York was getting him an apartment but it was going to be far, not in Midtown, probably in the Bronx somewhere.  Every month was the same story, NY City is working on the apartment.  It is coming soon.  I held on to that hope along with him.

“Love is not patronizing and charity isn’t about pity, it is about love. Charity and love are the same — with charity you give love, so don’t just give money but reach out your hand instead.” – Mother Teresa

Then after months of not seeing him on the same corner on 40th Street and Madison Avenue, I saw him in Grand Central Station looking worse for wear. He seemed beaten, weathered down, deflated, but still he had a smile for me. We didn’t talk much.  He was not himself.  It saddened me.  I never saw him again.

He comes to mind often. When that happens I say a prayer that he is well.

“There is no exercise better for the heart than reaching down and lifting people up.”  – John Holmes

After Milton I met Laura.  She sat in front of Starbucks.  In the beginning she seemed so out of place.  She was clean, well fed, and slowly I saw her become a shell of herself.  She still had a smile on her face and a plan for the future if only she could get to California.  If she got there she would have a home and she would go to school.  That is easy I thought to myself: I can buy her the ticket.  Then she added that she couldn’t go yet because she had had lost all her documents.  There were people helping her with that.

One day she said that she and others ladies in her same situation had been abused by this one guy and there were new lawyers helping her with that case.  Every week was a story and I became discouraged.  I started to doubt the she would ever leave the streets.  Her stories seemed to be more for my benefit, to show me that there was a plan and it was in motion.

I would tell her a bit about myself and about my sister moving here.  She never forgot the things I had told her.  She would ask about my sister, etc.  And then one day I stopped seeing her.  Same as in with Milton, I hope that not seeing her again is a good thing. I hope that things worked out well for her. She is only 27 or 28 years old.

“You have not lived today until you have done something for someone who can never repay you.” – John Bunyan

Now, there is Matthew.  He sits on the corner of 34th Street and Madison Avenue.  He has become a friend.  He always insists on holding my hand to say thank you.  He greets me with the hugest of smiles.  He said that he was going to be on the corner until June.  His father is getting married and he will go to live at his father’s house.

The other day my co-worker was going out to run some errands at lunchtime.  I asked her to get Matthew some empanadas from the Cuban restaurant.  He gets very excited about them.  When she returned she said he had a different sign.  He didn’t have the usual one asking for help.  He had one thanking everyone that has helped him.  I thought to myself: Awesome, he is saying good bye.  It is June, he will be gone.  I stopped seeing him.  I was so happy he was gone.  I pictured him in a house in the country doing work in the backyard.

Then today there is Matthew back on the corner again. He said that he went and saw his father, all is great, but now he has to work out the logistics. I don’t know what that means.

“We only have what we give.” – Isabel Allende

I talk, I ask questions but not too many.  I don’t want interfere or try to fix their lives.  The problem is a complex one.  Unless I am willing to adopt them and take them into my care, I can’t really meddle.  I can’t fix their lives.  Only they can do that if given the chance.

And that is what I pray for.  I pray that they get a chance, a direction, opportunities and possibilities.   I pray for all the Miltons, all the Lauras, all the Matthews, and all others.  May they find the strength, may they find a way. Homelessness shouldn’t mean hopelessness.

It scares me to think that some people are just a paycheck away from ending up in a corner.

Don’t just learn, experience.
Don’t just read, absorb.
Don’t just change, transform.
Don’t just relate, advocate.
Don’t just promise, prove.
Don’t just criticize, encourage.
Don’t just think, ponder.
Don’t just take, give.
Don’t just see, feel.
Don’t just dream, do.
Don’t just hear, listen.
Don’t just talk, act.
Don’t just tell, show.
Don’t just exist, live.” – Roy T. Bennett

 

Is it better to win or to just play well?

24 Sunday Jun 2018

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“Everything I know about morality and the obligations of men, I owe it to football (soccer).” – Albert Camus

I love the World Cup. The fact that it happens only once every 4 years makes it even more special.

It is beautiful to see countries from all over the world, all sorts of history, different cultures and background play with and against each other. I love seeing all the different fans celebrating together as in a big party.

In Brazil soccer is a source of pride.  We have Pele, one of the best players ever. We won the World Cup 5 times.  The most cups ever won by a country.  Coming on our heels are Germany and Italy with 4 each. Italy, shockingly,  is not in the tournament.   Germany, who was in trouble but miraculously scored a goal in the last few second of their second game, are on the way to try to tie us for the number of cups won.

We have the “jogo bonito”. The Jogo bonito means the beautiful game. The phrase was coined to describe Brazil’s style of playing.  A game with beautiful passes and flair. It is samba with a ball and without music.

“Win without boasting. Lose without excuse.” – Albert Payson Terhune

I should say we had, past tense, the jogo bonito has been nowhere in sight for years now.  We, somehow decided to go for another style, more technical.  Jogo bonito is now a thing of the past.  It seems we used to play from the heart, with heart, and now  it is all business,  all egos.  Who scores the most goals, who is the best player

Not only we are not playing a beautiful game anymore, we are, at times, are acting like whiny babies, falling too much, complaining too much. It has been embarrassing at times to watch Brazil play now. I know that Neymar, our top scorer, is heavily marked on the field, but at times I think some of his antics are a little too much.  He loses his temper and becomes like a spoiled child. Sometimes I want to shake him and say: Man up!

“I have no sense of humor about losing” – Rafael Nadal

We have played 2 games so far and we were well below expectations and all the hype going into the tournament. We tied the first game and won the second.  Game 2 was better than game 1, but still nothing impressive.  I hope we continue growing and I hope that we can find that beautiful game again and show the world that we are indeed the team to beat, fair and square.

But more than prove anything to the world, Brazilian players need to prove to themselves, and to give us Brazilians a reason to be proud of our soccer again.

In game and in life what is better, to have a beautifully played game or to just get a win?  You may play beautifully but not live to see another day, so there it that mentally of doing what you need to do to just survive, to just win the game.

“Winning isn’t everything–but wanting to win is.” – Vince Lombardi Jr.

In a perfect world the best team would win.  But life is not always fair. Who is to say who really is the best team?  Life is always a lesson, and in the end I believe all evens out. Everyone wins some, loses some and learns something.

May the best team win, the one with more heart, the one with more passion, the one that wants the most.

“Many people say I’m the best women’s soccer player in the world. I don’t think so. And because of that, someday I just might be.” – Mia Hamm

And we hugged…

21 Thursday Jun 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“The seeker embarks on a journey to find what he wants and discovers, along the way, what he needs.” – Wally Lamb

I am sure some of you are curious to know what happened last night.

Yesterday’s date was very different from most of my previous blind dates.  I decided that we should meet at the Library and I would give him a tour of downtown New Rochelle and then just go to some bar.

I got to the park and didn’t immediately see him so I texted (he had emailed me his number a couple of hours before) as I searched for a face that would resemble the pictures I had seen.  Eventually I just called him and told him where I was.

All of a sudden I saw him appear far away.  I was nervous, excited, all at once.  He reached me and we both had huge smiles.  Probably relief that we both looked like our pictures.  I can’t remember if we said anything, perhaps just hi and we hugged each other. It was not a quick hug.  It was a hug like when you hug a loved one that you haven’t seen in ages. We stood like for awhile.

“Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit” -e.e. cummings

Then we sat on a bench and made small talk.  He mentioned needing to pay for parking.  I am not sure why he hadn’t paid before.  We walked to the car and since I have the Parking App on my phone I said I would pay.

After paying he just pulled me to him and there was more hugging.  He said he was a hugger – no complaints from me.  Eventually we held hands and went in search of a place to have a drink.  The first place we passed by we didn’t like, then we came by a bar that I was always curious about it.

We got in and it was totally empty. It was darkly lit, cute, small, with some couches and some tall tables.  We sat at the bar.  An older woman appeared and greeted us.  She was pleasant, had blonde hair and bright make up on.  He wanted draft beer and they didn’t carry any. She suggested a drink that she makes called Rumba Juice. Mine was lemon flavored, his was pineapple.  The drink was tasty and refreshing.

We sat facing each other, taking turns talking about our lives and flirting non-stop.  We didn’t’ talk too much. I can’t quite remember all we talked about it.  We talked about his prior relationships and the last one that ended not too long ago.

I didn’t talk as much as I normally do.  Silence with him was okay.  It didn’t feel awkward, it felt natural. I didn’t feel the need, the compulsion, to pepper silence with words.

“Love is the voice under all silences, the hope which has no opposite in fear; the strength so strong mere force is feebleness: the truth more first than sun, more last than star…”  – E.E Cummings

It sounds really corny and cheesy but we were so into each other it was just crazy. There were pauses in the conversation where we just stared into each other eyes.  I don’t think there was a single second where we weren’t either holding hands or touching each other’s arms, knees or something like that.

There was more hugs throughout.  At one point he gave me a peck on the lips, and joked:  This is it, that is the whole extend of my kissing abilities.  I had told him that knowing how to kiss was a deal breaker for me.  I laughed.  I appreciate his humor.

Later on there was another kiss, a little more than a peck but nothing that would make anyone brush. It was good! Score!

I don’t remember all that was said but I remember exactly how he made me feel. I felt wanted, appreciated, understood, safe and most important, any time he hugged me, I felt I was home.  I felt that in his arms was where I belonged.

We liked each other and that was that and it was that simple.

The woman returned a couple of times and on an occasion she asked to take our picture.  I wish I had asked her to forward me that.  We looked good as a couple.  She is the owner and she has a couple of screens where she displays the photos of her customers.  She has been in business 17 year.  The Salon has her name, Silky.

I told her it was our first date and she was a bit surprised, mentioning that our body language told otherwise.  She asked our signs. I am an Aries and he is Gemini.  She warned him that Aries likes perfection, so that he better be ready to bring his best to the table.  She also said that Aries are never broke, even if they say they are they are lying.  All true.  She said that Gemini can fulfill Aries demands.  She said more but I can’t remember.  I will take her words as a seal of approval.

“You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.” – Dr. Seuss

After the drink,  and by then it was already after 10:30 and he had to drive 1 hour to get home, we left hand in hand.

We walked around a little bit and then we stopped by the back entrance of my building.  We stayed there for awhile just hugging. And kissing. A lot.  And it was amazing!

He texted me when he got home after getting lost for while. We were both giddy. We still are.

Today he is driving to another state to see his mother and then on to do a job.  We will see each other in 11 or 12 days.  The texting  and emailing will keep us connected.

I am choosing to ignore what a lot people may see as red flags.  It feels right, it makes me feel good.  I waited for it, I kissed frogs, I deserve it.  I am choosing to dwell in this sea of possibilities.

“…and when one of them meets the other half, the actual half of himself, whether he be a lover of youth or a lover of another sort, the pair are lost in an amazement of love and friendship and intimacy and one will not be out of the other’s sight, as I may say, even for a moment…” – Plato

Wherefore art thou Soulmate?

20 Wednesday Jun 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“The minute I heard my first love story I started looking for you, not knowing how blind I was. Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere. They’re in each other all along.”— Rumi

As I mentioned on my previous post I did meet M. for dinner on Saturday night. We went to an Italian restaurant after the original wine bar we were going to was closed due to a private party.  We had a couple of different types of pizza, but what I really enjoyed was the St. Germain, Vodka and lime cocktail I had. So refreshing!

M. was such a sweet man.  He was pleasant, grateful, fun.  There was no lack of conversation and I could tell he really liked me.  He gave me a quick peck on my lips when he said good night.

He wants to go on a second date.  I am still deciding.  My hesitation has to do with G, the other guy that I am exchanging emails with and I have yet to meet. I don’t want to give M. the false illusion that there is a future if my heart is already elsewhere.

G. seems likes the perfect guy for me. Someone that I could spend hours talking to, that would make me laugh and also rock my world between the sheets. He keeps surprising me with his intelligence, maturity and sense of humor. Of course I haven’t met him in person yet and everyone can look good on paper.

“You do not need to know precisely what is happening, or exactly where it is all going. What you need is to recognize the possibilities and challenges offered by the present moment, and to embrace them with courage, faith and hope.” – Thomas Merton

We even haven’t exchanged phone numbers yet.  Which is awesome as I normally don’t like giving out my number before meeting. He thinks that if we did we would not do anything else just text the whole day. He is right. We both just want to meet asap.

I have been here before: where I thought a guy was so amazing and then all of a sudden he shows his true colors.  There is a mix of feelings going on.  At least if we never meet I can still go on dreaming and basking myself on the sea of possibilities.

BREAKING NEWS:  I am meeting G. tonight! It was a sudden decision because if we don’t meet tonight we have to wait another 12 days to meet as he is going away tomorrow morning.

I am rarely nervous before meeting anyone, but I am really nervous about meeting him. So much build up.  I am trying to talk myself into just relaxing and seeing what happens.  No expectations!  oh who am I kidding? All I have are expectations.

At least I am hoping to just not overthink this. I will not predict doom yet.  I promise to go in with an open mind.

I know my soulmate is out there and one day we will find each other.  Why not him and why not now?

“We recognize a soulmate by the supreme level of comfort and security we feel with that person. That doesn’t mean that there aren’t issues that remain to be ironed out. Rather, it means we know intuitively that we can resolve issues with our soul mate without losing his or her love and respect.” –  Linda Brady

 

This, That and Other

15 Friday Jun 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me, Food

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OVEREATING
On Wednesday night, my sister, a couple of friends and I went to Fuji Mountain, a hibachi restaurant in Larchmont, NY. We were there celebrating one of my friends birthday. It was a lot fun and the food was great. The best part is that she was so happy with being taken out for her birthday. I love making people happy.

Unfortunately I ate all of the dinner that was put in front of me plus dessert. At the moment I didn’t think; I just ate. Later I hated myself for overeating. It is becoming a pattern. I have to change that immediately.

“There is no love sincerer than the love of food.” – George Bernard Shaw, Man and the Superman

WORLD CUP
World Cup is here and I am so excited! I don’t care what teams are playing I will be watching. I have 2 screens at work. One is always showing a game and on the other one is work.

I love the passion and energy of the games. Of course I am hoping Brazil wins. We are the favorite but memories of the fiasco of the last time is not far from memory. I am not one to dismiss any opponent. Everyone is a threat. Everyone is deserving.

Unfortunately I will miss Brazil’s first game on Sunday as I will be helping a friend with her dance recital. She needs the help of volunteers to get the show done so I will not cancel on her. Hopefully there will be many more to watch. I will record it but it will be impossible not to know the result before I get home to watch it.

Let the best teams win. The ones with more heart, more passion, more hunger.

“I am not a perfectionist, but I like to feel that things are done well. More important than that, I feel an endless need to learn, to improve, to evolve, not only to please the coach and the fans, but also to feel satisfied with myself. It is my conviction that here are no limits to learning, and that it can never stop, no matter what our age.” – Cristiano Ronaldo

DATING
Things are fairly quiet as I haven’t spent much time on the dating sites. There is one guy, M, that I will be having dinner on Saturday night. He works in Management of some big University. I am not sure where we will be meeting yet.

I was somewhat excited about him until I got a message from G. His messages are just amazing. A combination of smarts, funny and sexy. He seems honest, serious, down to earth, etc. Yes I am getting all of that from a few emails 🙂

He asked me out Saturday during the day to go to this huge flea market 40 minutes away from me. I said no. I probably would have gone just for a change, even though I normally never travel for a first date. I am willing to change my mind on that and be flexible on a case to case basis.

I had already said yes to M. and I don’t like canceling on people just because I got another invitation.

The excitement normally turns to fear.  What if we like each other? Even before meeting G. I am already looking for reasons why this cannot work. We live too far, he likes camping, I like comfortable hotels, I love sports, he could take or leave it, etc.

I am reminding myself to breath, be in the moment and just go with the flow.

“And there’s also ‘To him that hath shall be given.’ After all, you must have a capacity to receive, or even omnipotence can’t give. Perhaps your own passion temporarily destroys the capacity.” – C.S. Lewis

321 Quote Me Tag: It is about Ageing

09 Saturday Jun 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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I haven’t done an award post in years due to lack of time.  I don’t really understand them.  I do love getting recognition and love when a fellow blogger things of me but still I am not sure I get the idea of the awards.  There are nominations going around, but does anyone ever win?  Or are the nominations in itself the award?

It just seems too easy and it seems just like an award for just participating – just having a blog.  Yes, I am one of those that disagree with participation awards, medals and trophies.  Participating is its own reward, but to get an award you need to work hard, excel and come in first, second or third place and not just show up.

I do love to be remembered by my fellow bloggers.  I also love reading the answers to some of those awards and getting to know more about the bloggers.

But I digress, this is not what this post is about.  Today I am doing a tag post called 321 Quote Me.  It is great because it is fast and it involves quotes.  I love quotes!

There are 3 simple rules and here they are:

  1. Thank Who Nominated You

2. Post 2 Quotes for the dedicated Topic of The Day – the topic is Ageing

3. Select 3 bloggers to take part in the 3-2-1 Quote Me

1- Thank you Rory! Rory is from  A Guy Called Bloke and K9 Doodlepip  ( https://aguycalledbloke.blog/).  It is great to get to know you!

2- Quote #1:
“Age has no reality except in the physical world. The essence of a human being is resistant to the passage of time. Our inner lives are eternal, which is to say that our spirits remain as youthful and vigorous as when we were in full bloom. Think of love as a state of grace, not the means to anything, but the alpha and omega. An end in itself.” ― Gabriel García Márquez,

Quote #2:
“It’s very simple. As you grow, you learn more. If you stayed at twenty-two, you’d always be as ignorant as you were at twenty-two. Aging is not just decay, you know. It’s growth. It’s more than the negative that you’re going to die, it’s also the positive that you understand you’re going to die, and that you live a better life because of it.” ― Mitch Albom

3 – And here is where I will break one of the rules. It is impossible for me to choose only 3 people to tag.  I am opening this up to any of my readers that can relate to the topic of Ageing and that enjoy quotes.  Please accept this tag and run with it.

***

And on the topic of ageing I will add:
Getting old is a double edged sword. You are blossoming into yourself and you realize that time may be running out.  There is urgency, but there is also the calmness of acceptance.

I hope you come to love and accept your body even with its share of wear and tear.

I hope you embrace your mind, even if not as sharp, but so ever wise and inquisitive.

I hope you nourish your soul with good energy from people, from books, from prayer.

Just love yourself not matter what age your driver’s license show, no matter what number the scale displays and no matter how big your bank account is.

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” – Lao Tzu

Feelings hurt, bullets dodged and we move on

07 Thursday Jun 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“You cannot control the behavior of others, but you can always choose how you respond to it.” – Roy T. Bennett

The Nature Writer.  I decided not to go on a second date with him.  I called him and said that there was no romantic vibes for me. I offered friendship.

He listened to what I had to say and said he really didn’t have the time to date seriously and was interested in friendship. He thanked me for my honesty.

Several days later he sent me 12 text messages one after the other.  He went on and on on how he was hurt that I assumed he was interested in dating.  He was also angry that I said I was going to schedule a second meeting as friends but never did.

I didn’t reply. What do I say to that?  It was just senseless.  This seemed to be the texting of a 12 year girl and not an intelligent almost 60 year old man.

I no longer feel the need for people to understand me.  Now I just let it go and don’t spend the time and energy. 

“We’re all islands shouting lies to each other across seas of misunderstanding.”  – Rudyard Kipling

The concierge – I met a kind, nice gentleman. He works as a concierge in a building in Manhattan. We met at a dive bar called Trailer Park Lounge. Not a place I am used to going but it was fun and welcoming.

I ordered a burger and even before I was finished he mentioned he wanted to go to Dallas BBQ a block away.  He said he loved the drinks there.  The drink he ordered  was one of those tropical drinks with umbrellas that you get when you go on vacation to a tropical island (picture is at the top) . It did look delicious but I already had a drink at the other bar and decided to just drink water.

While he was the nice, there was zero chemistry for me.  He, on the other hand professed his love for me and wanted to see me again.  What do I say to a man that is sitting across from me telling me his entire life and already making plans for a future together?

When he asked me when he was going to see me again I didn’t have the heart to say: never.  I didn’t really say yes or no.  I said that he was going too fast and that I was feeling pressured.

I should have gone for honesty, but instead I expected him to get the hint.  He didn’t.

And right as I am typing this I get a text from him asking me what I had decided about going on a second date.   I told him that I didn’t feel any romance and that I knew he didn’t want to be friends. I mentioned how great I thought he was but I was not feeling it.

He replied and I quote: “I bet you say that to everyone. Thank you for wasting my time”.  Not only he texted me that but he also wrote me a message online.

Well, he is right.  It is what I tell almost everyone because it is often the truth.

“The text has disappeared under the interpretation.” – Friedrich Nietsche

The realtor –  The one I mentioned in a couple of posts ago. I described how on the first date he kept trying to kiss and hug me even after I told him numerous times to stop.  Still I was wondering if I should go on a second date or not, as I thought perhaps there was potential if he would keep his hands to himself.

That is until I get a text that says: “I would like to schedule our second hug”.  Clearly he is not listening and has only physical interaction on his mind.

Needless to say there will not be a second date or hug.

“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”  – George Bernard Shaw

I am not taking the replies from the above guys personally.  It is coming from a place of pain.  They thought I would be their future and I turn out to be just one date.  I have been there.  I have been on dates where I thought all it was perfect and then I  never heard from them again.

I am feeling blessed.  I think I dodged a few bullets.

I find myself in a conundrum.  I want to have an open mind and go on dates with guys that at first glance are not really my type but that perhaps will surprise me, and yet I see the need now to be even more discriminating.

“Trust your heart if the seas catch fire, live by love though the stars walk backward.” – E.E. Cummings

 

 

No More Miss Nice Girl

04 Monday Jun 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“You must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment.” – Henry David Thoreau

I was watching a Roland Garros tennis match on TV the other day. A player was easily winning when he missed an easy shot.  His game then totally fell apart and he went on to lose the match.

I remember when I was learning to play tennis the instructor said to me right after I had missed a shot:  “Forget that ball and move on.”

He used to say that trying to figure out what I did wrong on that last play or to keep admonishing myself about a mistake would just cause me to lose focus and lose the next point.

I think that it was what happened to that player.  That mistake stayed in his mind and it prevented him from concentrating on the next point.

I am applying that thinking to my relationships.  Sometimes I keep trying to dissect a failed relationship to see where I went wrong.  Or I keep thinking about the person that is gone in the hope that he will return.

“Be here now.” – Ram Dass

I should let go of the last relationship and focus on the current one, or in the search of the next one.

Concentrating on something in the past that I have no control over only keeps me from being 100% present in the here and now.

I realize that even though I am trying to be in the moment,  I keep leaving the door open for the past to be flooding back.

“The past can’t hurt you anymore, not unless you let it.”  – Alan Moore

I always thought it was cold or mean to close the door on people.  I keep hoping that I can be friends with everyone.  But if they have already hurt, disrespected, mistreated me in some way in the past why give them a chance to do it again?

I keep writing about guys from the past contacting me over and over again.  Just last week Peter, remember, the guy I went to the Opera with.  You can just go to my Home page and search for Peter and you can see all the posts about him.  He texted me saying hello.  I replied.  We exchanged a few texts.  Then a few days later he called me twice, but didn’t leave any message when I didn’t answer. Wisely I didn’t call back, but I was tempted.

Why did I bother replying to that text? What is the point?  I didn’t want to ignore him, or anyone for that matter.

“No man is rich enough to buy back his past.” – Oscar Wilde

I want to be nice and kind to all.  I want to treat all as I want to be treated.  If I send someone a message I hope to get a reply.  I want to believe in forgiveness and redemption.

But perhaps there is something else at play.  Perhaps besides my need to be nice, I also entertain “hope”.  The hope that this person has returned changed.  He now sees what he is missing and will act accordingly.

As they say:  You don’t know what you’ve got until it is gone.  They are back because they miss me or so I tell myself.

“If it’s over, then don’t let the past screw up the rest of your life.” – Nicholas Sparks

But it torments me.  I started thinking about him again.  I start thinking what if.

It never works out that way.  Whatever they were guilty of before they will do it again.  I did not call Peter back and I will not reply if he reaches out again.  He and anybody else from the past.

It will be really hard to ignore a text, call or email, but I feel I need to do it.  I need to choose me and my sanity.   I need to be free and clear of all the men from the past.  I will shut the door on all those past relationships once and for all.

I am tired of leaving the door open for the past to sneak in and wreak havoc again.

“When we are tired, we are attacked by ideas we conquered long ago.”  – Friedrich Nietzsch