Tag Archives: being in the moment

The twists and turns of October 2024

07 Thursday Nov 2024

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Finding Me

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I feel my life is just like this tree I encountered the other day - all twisted - so different and gorgeous.

I feel my life right now is just like this tree I encountered the other day – all twisted – so different and gorgeous.

It has been over a month since my last post.  I keep waiting for normalcy to start writing more frequently, but I will probably have to wait longer for that.

I look forward to routine, but instead, I should learn to enjoy the adventure of chaos. I continue my struggle with not being able to stay in the moment and enjoying it for what it is, instead of dreaming with a perfect future.

After spending hurricane Helene in Florida, I decided not to chance it and went back to NY to wait for Milton.  I am happy to say that Milton came and went, and thankfully my apartment is still standing.   I still have plywood instead of doors and windows, but hopefully it will not be too long until I get my long-awaited view.

After the boss decided to relocate the business from New York to Florida, thanks to me, I spent some time searching for office spaces and legal firms.

After seeing some horrible office spaces, I found the perfect space in the historic part of Melbourne, FL. Well, not that perfect, because I don’t have my own bathroom and kitchen, but I figure I will have to settle. I got a fridge, coffeemaker, toaster and a portable sink.  I will get used to that.  I don’t plan on being in the office every day.  The bathroom is a shared one in the hall. Not that the end of the world.

The legal firm we hired worked on the paperwork and we are now officially a Florida company.  That part, after so much concern, was actually painless.  Fingers crossed that there will not be any unforeseen issues.

The time I spent in NY escaping Milton, was used to digitize all my files.  It has taken some getting used, but getting rid of paper is freeing. 

I also packed some more of my stuff from my apartment. I decided to have most of my belongings in Florida, and make that my official home.

Finally, the closing for the sale of my NY condo will happen next week.  I will not be there for it, the attorney will handle that. But I will get there a few days later to continue to pack some more of my belonging and to continue the closing of the NY office.  I have to set up my assistant to work from home, among other stuff.

And just when I think that things are quieting down, JPMorgan Chase has just informed my company that they are terminating their relationship with us.  I have never heard of that before. Why would they do that?  I am supposed to get a letter about it.  I am really angry about it, but powerless.

Now I have to scramble to get another bank account and get our customers and vendor to start using this other account.

Peace is a state of mind.  I repeat that to my myself, now more often than ever.  Peace is how I handle all the issues that I have to deal with and not the absence of any issue.

Michael has been the constant in my life, my routine and rock.

I hope everyone is enjoying a blessed beginning of November.  Be back soon.

Always blessed!

“It is possible to live happily in the here and now. So many conditions of happiness are available—more than enough for you to be happy right now. You don’t have to run into the future in order to get more.” ― Thich Nhat Hanh

At this very moment I choose to be happy – I will never have a chance to live this moment again!

02 Friday Feb 2024

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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I AM STILL CLEANING OUT MY DRAFTS FOLDER.  FROM 260 DRAFTS, I AM DOWN TO THE LAST 60 – YIPPIE – PROGRESS!!!

THIS IS FROM A TIME I WAS STILL STRUGGLING AFTER THE BREAK UP. AROUND 2014. I WAS STRUGGLING THINKING OF ALL I HAD LOST, INSTEAD OF APPRECIATING ALL I HAD.

THIS IS ME, REMINDING MYSELF TO BE GRATEFUL!

We have a saying in Brazil that goes like this: “Eu era feliz e nao sabia!”. It means: I was happy and didn’t know it!

To me, it means that, oftentimes we are too busy thinking about what we want and don’t have, to notice all the great stuff we have.

We let amazing sunrises and sunsets go bye unnoticed and unappreciated. We let simple amazing moments go by.

We take things for granted, not realizing how great life really is at the moment.  We take jobs for granted, we take people for granted, until they are gone.

We want happiness, but in the search of happiness, we miss happy moments. In search of destination, we miss the journey.  In search of results, I miss the beauty of the process.

The key to happiness, or perhaps I will not even go that far, but the key to a good life is to enjoy fully whatever you are doing in this exact moment.

I want to make sure I enjoy single life and all its goodness instead of the ‘victim’ in me feeling bad that I didn’t have any kids and,  that is now the holidays and my family is thousands miles away and,  I don’t have anyone to snuggle with at night.

I am looking at the good side of singlehood! Living alone, watching what I want when I want, eating or not eating,

I can do what I choose, when I choose, with whom I choose.  I don’t have to make excuses for anybody else.

The lesson: appreciate what you have at this very moment, no matter what it is. It doesn’t last.

At this very moment someone is wishing they were safe, warm, had something to eat.  At this very moment I am crying over someone that doesn’t care. How pathetic of me!

I need to stop, and realize that this moment is unique and wonderful.  At this very moment I choose to be happy.  I am learning to stop, breath and appreciate.

Some days are easy. Some days it takes a conscious effort to remember to cherish the details, to cherish the simple. Some days it takes effort to be grateful.

No control, no problem!

10 Monday Feb 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“Peace begins
When expectation ends.”
― Sri Chinmoy

M and I continue to date.  We talk every night.  We don’t text a lot and don’t see each other at lot.  He works nights, and since he is about to retire at the end of this month he has tons to get done before that.  I said I understood.

I wrote this post the other day when I was contemplating my feelings and behavior in this relationship.  Even though I am interested in him and I enjoy spending time with him I am not standing by the phone or stressing out if he takes too long to call.

In prior relationships anything would give me the sense of doom. A call not returned, a texted not replied, I would already start foreseeing the end.  Now I am different.  I don’t care.  I don’t give any power to things that happen or don’t happen.

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.”― Rumi

I have been feeling so free and less stressed as a result of not overthinking and not overreacting.  It is great having no expectations and taking one day at a time.

When I met M I was about to get off of POF and e-Harmony.  I was tired of those sites and wanted to take a break and then go to another site.  On the second date I told him that I was no longer on POF.  He offered to remove his profile right then and there. I said: “don’t”. I meant it.

At this point I don’t really care what he is doing. I feel free doing this relationship this way. In the past I have tried to dictate, to foresee, to control things. It only caused heartache and pain for me.

I don’t know if he is the one for me.  Time will tell.

I don’t know if my family and friends will like him. Time will tell.

I don’t know if I can accept his convictions. Time will tell.

I don’t know if we will grow together or apart. Time will tell.

In life and in love:

Anytime I try to control the situation I lose.

Anytime I try to foresee the outcome I lose.

Anytime I am in the future planning I lose.

Anytime I am in the past brooding I lose.

Nothing is a guarantee.  Even the best laid plans sometimes fail, why worry about it.

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.”― Lao Tzu

It feels so good to be free from expectations. I am being vigilant about having expectations. Any time I catch an inkling of expectation I make myself aware of what I am doing and I stop it.

Having no expectations doesn’t mean that I accept poor treatment.  It just means that I am not making somebody else responsible for my needs and wants.

Instead of expecting things from M and from others I am making sure that I am treating myself with the kindness, attention and the love I want and deserve.

I am giving myself more power by letting go of the need to control. I don’t need to control, I don’t need to react.  I don’t need to know and plan every step.  I am in control by letting go of control.  It is funny how that works.

Now I just welcome the good, and reject the bad, as they come, when they come.  I welcome  and rejoice with the little surprises and I don’t stress over the mundane.

This relationship feels calming and so comfortable. It is like wearing pajamas and having a cup of cafe mocha while a cold rain falls outside.

“Don’t despair: despair suggests you are in total control and know what is coming. You don’t – surrender to events with hope.” – Alain de Botton

A river runs through me

26 Saturday Mar 2016

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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This post below was written yesterday when I woke up overwhelmed.  Today is a new day, where the world makes sense again.  Today I got a massage in the morning, then lunch and shopping with a friend.  I had a delicious passion fruit mojito with my salmon lunch.  And let’s not forget the brownie cake chocolate and coconut cheesecake.

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“Whenever you are confronted with an opponent. Conquer him with love.” – Mahatma Gandhi

Today I woke up feeling strange. Not bad. Not great. Unsettled.

I don’t know why, the problems are the same. Am I weaker?

Perhaps is the milestone birthday around the corner.
50 is heavy, 50 is potent, 50 is too much, 50 doesn’t feel real.   I feel tired from so much already done and still I feel a sense of urgency from so much yet to do.

Perhaps it is the evil PMS.  An annoyance that reminds me of the beauty of being a woman.

Perhaps is the culmination of many stressful moments.  There is so much I can’t control at the moment.  So many people being unreasonable.  There are so many people I want to take by the shoulder and shake some sense into them.

My lack of control leaves me sedated.  I feel cold.  I feel as if there is ice water running through my veins instead of warm blood.

I realize this is a great chance to exercise the acceptance of people and facts, but today I can’t do it.  I choose instead to just accept the moment as is.

At one point you get tired of fighting and you realize that at the end of the day after all the fighting nothing has changed, you just have achy muscles and frail nerves.

At this moment I picture a river.   A river going right through me.
It is a river of peace. A river serene and non-threatening. In its calmness it washes away the turbulent feelings in my being.

A river going through me, taking with it all debris of pain, hurt, anger, vestiges of evil.
I don’t fight it anymore. I let it all go and I float. I float in calm and peace.  I let my body and mind feel settled.

So today I don’t fight, I don’t force acceptance, I don’t force trust and positivism.  Today I just float and let a river run through me, because tomorrow is another day and I know it will be a better day! (and yes it was)

“Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.” – Friedrich Nietzsche

The principal of Exchange and Letting go of the Bad and the Good!

13 Wednesday Aug 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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I was watching a documentary regarding Sherlock Holmes.   It is amazing to realize how influential a fictional character can be and continues to be.  Sherlock Holmes was the product of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s mind and the principal character in his many famous detective books.  The books are as entertaining now as they were when they were first published.

In the documentary they talked about all the contributions that Sherlock has made to the field of crime scene investigation and forensics science.  They also mention Dr. Edmond Locard (late 1800s), a pioneer in forensic science who was heavily influenced by Sherlock and became known as the Sherlock Holmes of France.  Dr. Locard formulated the Principal of Exchange.

This basic principal says: “Every contact leaves a trace”.  Every perpetrator of a crime will bring something into the crime scene and will, at the same time, take with him something from it, and that both can be used as forensic evidence.

It got me thinking how that principal holds true to every human interaction and not only crime scenes.  We are always exchanging something with our fellow human beings every time we come in contact with each other, conscious or subconsciously.

“If someone comes along and shoots an arrow into your heart, it’s fruitless to stand there and yell at the person. It would be much better to turn your attention to the fact that there’s an arrow in your heart…” ― Pema Chödrön

During my daily interactions, what am I leaving behind and what am I taking with me?  We exchange touches, thoughts, words, expressions, feelings, and we always carry remnants of that with us.  We have lingering thoughts and feelings as a result of those interactions.  Do you realize how much we are affecting and being affected by people long after we parted ways?

I often catch myself mulling over things that were said to me or things that I left unsaid, or perhaps things I said that it was probably better left unsaid.  I catch myself reliving a moment or a feeling, continuing to be hurt or be happy over things in the past.

I strive to add only good things to people’s lives.  I like the idea of leaving people and places better than I found them, but am I really doing that?  Are there people out there angry with me, hurt by me?  What about the ones that have angered and hurt me?  I have said I have forgiven them, but have I really? Or am I still carrying traces of pain and resentment with me?

“The present moment is filled with joy and happiness. If you are attentive, you will see it. ” ― Thích Nhất Hạnh

While I am not in control of what people choose to take from me and from interactions with me, I can help by doing my part of being more aware of my words and actions.  I am always striving to be in the moment, and this is another reason to be more conscious of the present moment.  What mark am I leaving? After all little marks, little moments, translate into lasting impressions.  What am I choosing to leave behind? What am I choosing to take with me? The answer to me is always the same: happiness, joy, positivism.  I want leave people with good thoughts and good feelings about me and I want take with me only good positive thoughts and not any negative energy.

I will try to be the first to say I am sorry.  I will say more thank you and excuse me every chance I get.  I will smile more and hug more.  I will forgive more.  I will let things go more easily.  I will not be ruled by anger and will not overreact.  I will not raise my voice.  When in doubt, I will err on the side of being nice, patient and forgiving.

“Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.” ― Steve Maraboli

What are the things I have been dragging around from the past?  In regards to the crime scene that was the relationship and breakup with Ex, I am happy to say that I firmly believe that the pain, hurt and resentment are gone.

In the beginning I made an effort to remember bad things so that I would be angry at him and forget him.  Later I held tight to the good memories as a way to validate the fairytale I thought I had lived.   Now I realize I am still holding on to those good memories as a security blanket.  They keep me warm on lonely nights, they are comforting, they bring me happiness, but at the same time they are preventing me from moving on.  Holding on to what I think I had is keeping me from being free to embrace the future.

I didn’t even realize that I was doing that until now, so writing this now makes me feel incredibly free, strong and empowered.  It feels like another page has finally been turned in this book of my life.  I no longer need those memories. So, yes I am actually saying that good memories can be bad if they are holding you back from being 100% in the present.

“I don’t know who my grandfather was; I am much more concerned to know what his grandson will be.” ― Abraham Lincoln

**

I want to recognize the present moment and give it its fully deserved attention and care.  At the same time I don’t want to carry it with me forever to the point of preventing me from embracing my future.

Like the perpetrator of a crime we are all perpetrators of experiences upon other people.  So let’s all be more aware of what we are leaving behind and what we are taking with us.