a Prince? a frog? neither, just a dream!

23 Monday Nov 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Dating

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“The sign of intelligence is that you are constantly wondering. Idiots are always dead sure about every damn thing they are doing in their life.” ― Jaggi Vasudev

I was awake at 4 am Googling the meaning of dreaming about frogs.

In the dream I am sitting at my desk at home watching movies one after another.  In all of the movies there were frogs.  In the last movie there was Tom Hanks biting the head off a frog.   I thought to myself: Why am I watching A Fish Called Wanda again?

Who knows why I thought Tom Hanks was in that movie, or perhaps I thought it was A Frog called Wanda. I never saw the movie but I know that Tom Hanks was not in it.

Right after watching Tom Hanks bite the head of the frog I looked down at my desk and there were 2 small frogs.  A dark green one stretched out as if dead and a bright green one happy smiling at me.

“Every moment there are a million miracles happening around you: a flower blossoming, a bird tweeting, a bee humming, a raindrop falling, a snowflake wafting along the clear evening air. There is magic everywhere. If you learn how to live it, life is nothing short of a daily miracle.”― Sadhguru

I thought: how strange and I smiled back at the smiling one.  The strangest thing was that I was not afraid of them at all.  Then I woke up.

According to one website, dreaming about frogs is a positive thing, it generally means transformation, rebirth.  I like that.  I stopped searching before I encountered anything negative. 

I am also coming up with my own meaning.  I have always been afraid of frogs.  Growing up in an area where they tended to appear I was always on the lookout for them.  My fear was that one would jump on me.  I am seeing this dream as my inner child making peace with the things that scared me in the past, and still scare me. 

“The fear is simply because you are not living with life, You are living in your mind.” ― Sadhguru

There is also the fairytale meaning of frogs becoming princes.  I have been dating an endless list of frogs lately.  They all come full of promise but never stick around long enough to become the prince.

Actually it is more the other way around.  They come in looking like a prince and then they turn into a frog.

The best thing is that I finally can honestly say without any reservation: I don’t care.  Come or go, just don’t block the door.  It feels great not giving a frog’s (well, rat’s) behind about what anyone says or does.

“If you resist change, you resist life.”― Sadhguru Jaggi Vasudev

I find myself more and more perfectly content with the present moment.  I am okay with men that come full of promises, but fail to deliver.   Nothing changes when a man that promised me the world delivers nothing.  Nothing.  It just means that they are not the one. It is all a part of this wonderful thing called My Life.

In a weird way, to me it means I am getting closer and closer.

I don’t lose faith in mankind and love.  My heart doesn’t grow cold and solid.  These are all experiences that contribute to my beauty, to my story.  I have to take the bad with the good.  I have to embrace it all.  It doesn’t mean that accept less than I deserve or bad treatment.  It just means that whatever they do or don’t do have no bearing in me and my emotions.

 “I am not talking about you being a spectator, I am talking about involvement. I am talking about involving yourself into life in such a way that you dissolve into it.” ― Sadhguru Jaggi Vasudev

This growth means making sure that I am being fully present every single time.  It means not giving up.  It means feeling amazing every time no matter the outcome.  It is all within me and nothing from the outside.

I am still me.  I am still amazing and still open minded and with an open heart ready for the next adventure.  Will the next one be the one?  Will he be a prince or a frog?  Who knows?  I know that I will certainly continue trying and continue being grateful for meeting new frogs, I mean, people.

“When pain, misery, or anger happen, it is time to look within you, not around you.”   ― Sadhguru

 

 

I am Phenomenal, and you are too!

20 Friday Nov 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message

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“Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim.” ― Nora Ephron

We are all amazing, men, women and children, but this post is dedicated to all the amazing women out there that forget how amazing and powerful they really are.

My sister and I were visiting friends last weekend.  This couple has lived in various parts of the world due to the husband’s job.  The wife’s life took a backseat to improve his career.  Now they are living in the US, and for the first time since she got married (17 years ago) she has a job.  She is working for Amazon in a warehouse.  She learned how to drive, lost 30 pounds, has her own money, and is feeling invincible.  

For the record they have no kids and had no financial issues. His money was hers also.  She didn’t need to work, specially in such a physical demanding job.  But her pride in describing her job,  and the demands of it, is infectious.  She mentioned that even her marriage improved.

My wish is for more women to discover their power, their independence, their strength, to reclaim themselves and to take ownership of their life and happiness. In whatever way that means, get a job, go back to school, do volunteer work, follow your passion and your bliss.

Phenomenal Woman
BY MAYA ANGELOU
Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I’m not cute or built to suit a fashion model’s size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I’m telling lies.
I say,
It’s in the reach of my arms,
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It’s the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I’m a woman
Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can’t touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them,
They say they still can’t see.
I say,
It’s in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.

Now you understand
Just why my head’s not bowed.
I don’t shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing,
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It’s in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need for my care.
’Cause I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.

“When a woman becomes her own best friend life is easier.” ― Diane Von Furstenberg

Another day, another cancelation…

18 Wednesday Nov 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“If pain must come, may it come quickly. Because I have a life to live, and I need to live it in the best way possible. If he has to make a choice, may he make it now. Then I will either wait for him or forget him.” ― Paulo Coelho, By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept

He canceled.

I cannot say I am surprised.  He had canceled twice before we finally met. Cancelation is in his blood.

I had a feeling he would.  I noticed a certain distance in the texting yesterday and he skipped the nightly phone call. 

This morning at 7am I texted him. I was not going to reach out but I decided not to be waiting the whole day wondering if a date would or would not happen.

Here is the exchange:

I am not assuming anything about him at this point.  I am not dismissing him or thinking it is all over.  What I know is that if this is the way it is going to be then it will not work for me. 

I remain open-minded with an open heart.  I met him in person and he seems like a good person. Just perhaps not good for me.  We will see what happens.  Your guess is as good as mine.

“You can cut all the flowers but you cannot keep Spring from coming.”
― Pablo Neruda

By the way, he also mentioned the other day that his trip overseas was canceled due to some of the people that were going with him having Visa issues.

So many questions about so many things. His health issues and injuries. His work overseas.  His time in the war.  I was hoping to continue my interrogation tonight 🙂

“Remember, Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.” ― Stephen King

Thanks heaven for good friends.  My friend A. texted me to wish good luck on the date tonight.  I actually met A. on a dating site in 2015.  We went on a couple of dates and then just became best friends. Our friendship keeps blossoming, and I am grateful for that.

I am not feeling down but so appreciate his attempt to lift my spirits.

Here is his reaction:

“Strange as it may seem, I still hope for the best, even though the best, like an interesting piece of mail, so rarely arrives, and even when it does it can be lost so easily.” ― Lemony Snicket, The Beatrice Letters

Finally the date with The Enigma happens

14 Saturday Nov 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“Truth is the offspring of silence and meditation. I keep the subject constantly before me and wait ’til the first dawnings open slowly, by little and little, into a full and clear light.”― Isaac Newton

I am going to start by apologizing.  First, I didn’t have a chance to finish the post about going on the date with The Enigma, so that draft went to the trash. It was all about expecting without having expectations. Second, this post, about finally going on the date, will be a rush job.

The date was on Friday at The Rambling House in the Bronx.  We met outside on the street.  He was parked in a no parking zone waiting for me so he could direct me where to park. He exited his car with a big bouquet of flowers for me (pic below).  I gave him a hug.

I was so surprised.  I didn’t expect flowers at all. In hindsight I should have since he is very romantic and such a gentleman.  I was also surprised that he knew that I was not a roses kind of girl. My favorite flowers are sunflowers and daisies, and any yellow flowers. It had 3 beautiful sunflowers in the bouquet.  He said roses are too predictable.

He also brought me a book.  “Living from The Soul – The 7 Spiritual Principles of Ralph Waldo Emerson” by Sam Torode.   He said he bought one for him also.  I joked that we will have a mini book club now. Pic below.

From there I followed him in his car.  He pointed to a space and said I should park there and walk to the restaurant because it would probably take him a little bit to find another space. He still got to the restaurant before I did.

He was wearing glassed and smelled nice. He was casually dressed in khakis and a flannel shirt.  I was surprised how happy and smiley he was.  His pictures had him always so serious and mysterious.

“A gentleman is someone who does not what he wants to do, but what he should do.” ― Haruki Murakami

He was not fat, but heavier than his pictures.  I had already expected that since he had told me that he hasn’t been able to exercise since his leg injury. And as a side note he had a hospital bracelet on.  Not from last week’s trip to the hospital. From just that morning.  He fell in the middle of the night as he attempted to navigate a spiral staircase in the dark in flip flops.  An ambulance had to be called.  He said that he would go to this date even if he had to crawl.

We had a great time.  The conversation flowed.  He had a cider and I had a cosmo.  A girl passed around offering free beer but we both declined.  He is Irish but not much of a beer drinker. He had the turkey and I had the salmon.  We shared a cheesecake for dessert.

I am not sure how much he tipped but the 2 waitresses came back 3 times each to the table to say thank you.  I asked him and he just said he is a good tipper.  Another point for him. I dislike bad tippers.

He held my hand and told me how beautiful I was and how great I smelled.  He made me feel beautiful, special and safe.

“The gentleman is dignified but not arrogant. The small man is arrogant but not digified” ― Confucius

The date lasted about 3 hours. I could tell his leg was hurting him, so I suggested we go.  We said goodbye at my car door with a quick hug and a peck on the cheek near the lips.  Everything was very easy and comfortable with him.

We are going on a second date on Wednesday. It is my turn to choose where to go, so we will probably stick to my neighborhood so I don’t have to drive.

On Thursday he is going to travel to a couple of different countries for business.  He said he will be in touch every day but we shall see how that will go.

I have many questions about one of his businesses and his overseas traveling. I don’t want to imply that it is something shady but it is just so foreign and mysterious to me.  He already mentioned a lot to me and says I can ask whatever questions I want, but at this point I am not even sure what questions to ask.

At one point I told him that his stories seem fake, about the war, etc.  He laughed and didn’t get offended.  He knows I will say what comes to mind and as I see it.

For now I am taking it all in slowly.  I am enjoying his attention.  The future seems so full of promise.  But we all know that I have been here before, so I am proceeding with caution.

“If people just took it a day at a time, they’d be a lot happier.” ― Richard Bachman

In love with creating

11 Wednesday Nov 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Mosaic and other crafts

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“Instead of worrying about what you cannot control, shift your energy to what you can create.” ― Roy T. Bennett

I present you my latest creation.  Yes, another table. Again, believe me when I tell you that it looks much better in person.  The colors are vibrant, the the gold and silver very shiny!  

I may paint the table red or black to make the tiles pop, but I can’t decide on which color, so for now it is just brown.

I have started another project.  It is not a table…yippie, I am not a one-trick pony. It is a gift for my mother, and I am so love with it. Stay tuned for that one.

“In the beginning, God created the earth, and he looked upon it in His cosmic loneliness.

And God said, “Let Us make living creatures out of mud, so the mud can see what We have done.” And God created every living creature that now moveth, and one was man. Mud as man alone could speak. God leaned close to mud as man sat up, looked around, and spoke. Man blinked. “What is the purpose of all this?” he asked politely.

“Everything must have a purpose?” asked God.

“Certainly,” said man.

“Then I leave it to you to think of one for all this,” said God.

And He went away.”
― Kurt Vonnegut, Cat’s Craddle

Not Elementary my dear friends

08 Sunday Nov 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“Never trust to general impressions, my boy, but concentrate yourself upon details.” ― Arthur Conan Doyle

I thought that today I would be telling you all about my date yesterday.  Unfortunately the date never happened!

As I was about to start getting ready for the date I got a phone call from my date.  He said he was calling from the emergency room.  He gave me the hospital name and   emergency room number.  He said he didn’t suppose I wanted our first date to be in the hospital. I said that it was a possibility.

“Evil indeed is the man who has not one woman to mourn him.”― Arthur Conan Doyle

I wouldn’t be opposed to go there to see him, but I know that most hospitals now aren’t accepting visitors because of COVID.  He kept me informed throughout the the evening and night as to what was going on. 

He went to the hospital because of a pain on his leg.  He had just finished physical therapy on it a week ago. I will not mention the nature of his injury at this point.  It is a kind of a wild story, that I rather know the details for sure before I mention anything.

“Life is infinitely stranger than anything which the mind of man could invent.”
― Arthur Conan Doyle

At the same moment my friend A. texted me to wish me luck on the date.  When I mentioned that he had canceled, my friend asked me if I was disappointed.  The weird thing is that I am and I am not. Lately, when it comes to dating I have been totally okay no matter what happens. 

Or perhaps deep down inside I already thought it wouldn’t happen so I was ready for it.

All is exactly as it is supposed to be. Of course I am curious, but I am not letting curiosity get the best of me. Time will tell.  Everything will be revealed in time.

“What one man can invent, another can discover.”― Sir Arthur Conan Doyle 

By 1 am his friend picked him up from the hospital.  Supposedly he was treated for blood clots and sent home.

He has a lot baggage, a lot history, and a lot medical issues from the baggage and history that he brings with him.  Can I handle all of that is one huge question that I have even before we meet? “Can” is not really the right question.  I can handle anything,  the most important question is do I want to?

“As a rule, the more bizarre a thing is the less mysterious it proves to be. It is your commonplace, featureless crimes which are really puzzling, just as a commonplace face is the most difficult to identify.”― Arthur Conan Doyle

In the meantime he is absolutely the most romantic, more interesting guy I have met in a long time or perhaps ever.  His life experience is so different than my own it is both enticing and scary.

This morning he sent me the following:

I Need Love – LL Cool J  (cover by Luke Bloom)

When I’m alone in my room sometimes I stare at the wall
And in the back of my mind I hear my conscience call
Telling me I need a girl who’s as sweet as a dove
For the first time in my life, I see I need love
There I was giggling about the games
That I had played with many hearts and I’m not saying no names
Then the thought occurred, tear drops made my eyes burn
‘Coz I said to myself look what you’ve done to her
I can feel it inside, I can’t explain how it feels
All I know is that I’ll never dish another raw deal

Playing make believe pretending that I’m true
Holding in my laugh as I say that I love you
Saying amor, kissing you on the ear
Whispering I love you and I’ll always be here
Although I often reminisce I can’t believe that I found
A desire for true love floating around
Inside my soul because my soul is cold
And half of me deserves to be this way till I’m old
But the other half needs affection and joy
And the warmth that is created by a girl and a boy

I need love
I need love

I wanna kiss you, hold you never scold you just love you
Suck on you neck, caress you and rub you
Grind moan and never be alone
If you’re not standing next to me you’re on the phone
Can’t you hear it in my voice, I need love bad
I’ve got money but love’s something I’ve never had
I need your ruby red lips sweet face and all
I love you more than a man who’s ten feet tall

I’d watch the sunrise in your eyes
We’re so in love when we hug we become paralyzed
Our bodies explode in ecstasy unreal
You’re as soft as a pillow and I’m as hard as steel
It’s like a dream land, I can’t lie I never been there
Maybe this is an experience that me and you can share
Clean and unsoiled yet sweaty and wet
I swear to you this is something I’ll never forget

I need love
I need love

See what I mean I’ve changed I’m no longer
A play boy on the run I need something that’s stronger
Friendship, trust honor respect admiration
This whole experience has been such a revelation
It’s taught me love and how to be a real man
To always be considerate and do all I can
Protect you you’re my lady and you mean so much
My body tingles all over from the slightest touch of your hand

And understand I’ll be frozen in time
Till we meet face to face and you tell me you’re mine
If I find you girl I swear I’ll be a good man
I’m not gonna leave it in destiny’s hands
I can’t sit and wait for my princess to arrive
I gotta struggle and fight to keep my dream alive
I’ll search the whole world for that special girl
When I finally find you watch our love unfurl

I need love
I need love

Girl, listen to me
When I be sittin’ in my room all alone, staring at the wall
Fantasies, they go through my mind
And I’ve come to realize that I need true love
And if you wanna give it to me girl make yourself seen
I’ll be waiting, I love you

“A man always finds it hard to realize that he may have finally lost a woman’s love, however badly he may have treated her.”― Arthur Conan Doyle

Bluebird by Charles Bukowski

07 Saturday Nov 2020

Posted by in Daily Life

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I am happy. I am sorry if you are not. I am praying for unity!

In the meantime I am getting ready for my date tonight. I AM EXCITED!

The Enigma, my date, as I am calling him, has over 5,000 books. One of his favorite authors is Charles Bukowski, of which he sent me the following: 



Bluebird
there’s a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I’m too tough for him,
I say, stay in there, I’m not going
to let anybody see
you.
there’s a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I pour whiskey on him and inhale
cigarette smoke
and the whores and the bartenders
and the grocery clerks
never know that
he’s
in there.

there’s a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I’m too tough for him,
I say,
stay down, do you want to mess
me up?
you want to screw up the
works?
you want to blow my book sales in
Europe?
there’s a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I’m too clever, I only let him out
at night sometimes
when everybody’s asleep.
I say, I know that you’re there,
so don’t be
sad.
then I put him back,
but he’s singing a little
in there, I haven’t quite let him
die
and we sleep together like
that
with our
secret pact
and it’s nice enough to
make a man
weep, but I don’t
weep, do
you?

“So the fact that I’m me and no one else is one of my greatest assets. Emotional hurt is the price a person has to pay in order to be independent.” ― Haruki Murakami

He is not the guy

05 Thursday Nov 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Dating, Finding Me

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“Destiny doesn’t do home visits… you have to go for it yourself.”
― Carlos Ruiz Zafón

So which kind of guy will he be?

But before we get to him, let me bring you up-to-date.  There is A-The Renter, who is currently in Cabo San Lucas without me ☹.  We still exchange messages but at this point I feel I am cultivating a friendship.

Then there is The Swiss, we still message every now and then, but I am still not sure about him even as a friend.  I still feel that he is all about himself.

Enter the new guy.  I am calling him The Enigma.  I was not sure what to call him.  He strikes me as the Bad Boy Prince Charming, but that was a bit too long.  I am not sure what to make of him and even if I can handle him and his history, which there seems to be a lot there. 

He is 48 years old, but seems to have lived many lifetimes.  He is completely different from guys I dated before.  The way he writes me is so eloquent, intelligent and open.  He is patient and gentle (yes I get that from his writing 🙂 and still he seems like the guy that is comfortable engaging in a bar fight.

“If you always do what is easy and choose the path of least resistance, you never step outside your comfort zone. Great things don’t come from comfort zones.”― Roy Bennett

He is well read, ex-military, volunteer in animal shelters. Has a bunch of tattoos and will probably get more.  We couldn’t be more different and yet we are so similar in our world views and what we want for ourselves.  I don’t want to say too much about him, as I always want to err on the side of not giving too much info about someone. 

We exchanged messages on Match for a couple of weeks before I was willing to give him my number.  We have spoken a few times.  We had a miscommunication where I thought he was ghosting me already.  I had jumped to conclusions. He explained himself and proceeded to give me all his info: full name, address, phone, email.  He even gave me his mother’s info as a last resort if I ever need to find him. 🙂 

“Your assumptions are your windows on the world. Scrub them off every once in a while, or the light won’t come in.”― Isaac Asimov

I realized that I sometimes blame new guys for the sins of old ones.  I need to be watchful of that and give new guys a fair chance.  It is a balancing act, to use my experiences as a guide but not let them make me pre-judge someone.

He is off Match for now because he says he wants to focus on 1 person at a time.   We are probably going out Saturday.  I need to confirm it.

From ghost to Prince in just a few hours. He scares me and excites me.  The possibilities seem endless and exciting. I am choosing to embark on this new adventure whole heartedly. 

“To be sensual, I think, is to respect and rejoice in the force of life, of life itself, and to be present in all that one does, from the effort of loving to the breaking of bread.”― James Baldwin

Today, along with his info he also sent me the video below:

I’m not the guy

You can categorize me
Lump me with the others
If that’s the way you wanna play
You can say that the way it’s been
Is exactly, the way that it’s gotta be
It’ll make you feel right
If you gotta feel right
And if you’re willing to look truthfully
I think you’ll see
That babe I’m not the guy who hurt you
Many years ago

I’m not the guy
I’m not the guy
I’m not the guy

Babe what are you seeing?
When you look in my eyes
Maybe someone from a magazine
Is itt someone who hurt you?
You don’t gotta explain it
I used to read that magazine myself
But last night in the kitchen, yeah
I cancelled my subscription, yeah
And maybe you’ll believe me baby
When I say that you don’t need to carry yours
Around anymore

‘Cause I’m not the guy
I’m not the guy
I’m not the guy

I’m not the guy who made you crawl into the shell
I’m not the guy who threw your heart against the wall
I’m not the guy who made you feel like all you did was lost
I’m not the guy who loved you babe, and kept his fingers crossed

I’m not the guy
I’m not the guy
I’m not the guy

I’m not the guy who tried to hide his wedding ring
I’m not the guy who disappeared after the spring
I’m not the guy who took care of you for a weekend stay
I’m not the guy who loved you babe, and took his love away

I’m not the guy (6x)

(lyrics: Dan Bern)

Memory Lane is Full of Pot Holes

02 Monday Nov 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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“Sometimes an earthquake or a volcano shake the world, sometimes a virus, sometimes a huge typhoon, sometimes a tsunami! All of them have a common message: Awake to the Truth! And what is the truth? The truth is that Earth and the universe are not a region of order, but a region of chaos and survival!” ― Mehmet Murat ildan

Have you voted yet? Please vote! I am not going to attempt to tell you who to vote for. This is not that post. Right now I don’t have the energy or mental fortitude for that kind of post.

I will be voting tomorrow. I wanted to do the earlier voting but got turned off by the long lines. I figure that by tomorrow there should be no lines since there will be more voting stations and a lot people already voted. Fingers crossed, but line or no line I am voting!

Whatever way it goes I pray for peace, for order, for kindness in people’s hearts. Let’s all remember that we are all brothers and sisters and Earth is our Mother! Let’s protect each other and our mother!

“Deep in the human unconscious is a pervasive need for a logical universe that makes sense. But the real universe is always one step beyond logic.” ― Frank Herbert

Besides going to the mosaic studio, getting a massage and going out to a Japanese restaurant with a friend, I spent most of my weekend going through old photo albums. I bought two set of pictures frames that each hold 6 pictures and set out to find the pictures of my family I loved most.

Organizing anything, gives me a feeling and sense of order. With this looming election and its potential troubled aftermath, I was needing to feel that.

“The sacred formula of positivism: love as a principle, the order as a foundation, and progress as a goal.” ― Auguste Comte

It was a trip to the past. There were 2 men that figured the most in those pictures and consequently in my life.

One is my first boyfriend. I was with him for 20 years. He is more like an annoying relative now. How did I manage to stay with a person that is so completely different from me for 20 years is beyond logic? I cannot seem to have a 5-minute conversation with him nowadays without wanting to scream.

The other man is the one that caused me to start this blog and often referred herein as Ex. We were together for only 3 years, but his impact and the pain he caused me was beyond any pain I ever felt in my life.

I thought I had gotten rid of all traces of him but there remained some beautiful photobooks that I guess I didn’t want to part with before, or perhaps I had forgotten about. I don’t want to part with the visits to temples in Thailand, skiing the snowy mountains of Mont Tremblant, and paragliding in Brazil, among other pictures that brought me so much joy.

What do I do? Do I really want to remember those? Do I need the visual to remember the place and those moments in time?

Some of the albums were easy to remove the pictures, but the photobooks is another story. I have to throw out the entire book.

In my dating profile I may add: Looking for someone willing to do over some of my history.

“Thus there is in the life of a collector a dialectical tensions between the poles of disorder and order.”― Walter Benjamin

By last night I had amassed over 100 pictures to give to the first boyfriend. I figure he will be happy to have some of them back. Plus, he is alone in most of them. In the others he is with my family, which he is still close to.

Now, with Ex, is another story. He and I are not on speaking terms, so trash it is. It is fitting because that is what he did to our, once beautiful, relationship. Gosh, that sounded bitter. I am not bitter. I am not sad. I am indifferent and wishing him well…but far from me, my mind and my peace.

Do you keep old mementos of past relationships? I believe in keeping nothing. Old chapter, turn the page, move on! I don’t want to leave anything to remind me of a person that has no more room in my life.

I am always in awe when I see people that have letters, cards, pictures from many years ago, not only of lovers, but from anyone. I am not one of those people. I keep hardly anything. I feel heavy, even beautiful cards from friends I end up parting with.

In the end a lot of the pictures and most of the photobooks are gone.

Not only I achieved some physical order, I gained some psychological order. It feels cleansing to let go yet again. Ex had been in my mind lately. This is the first year I remembered his birthday in a long time. So it was fitting that I got to clear him out again. Now he is gone, gone, gone!

“I discovered that my obsession for having each thing in the right place, each subject at the right time, each word in the right style, was not the well-deserved reward of an ordered mind, but just the opposite: a complete system of pretense invented by me to hide the disorder of my nature.” ― Gabriel García Márquez

And on a last note, OMG, on some pictures my body is just amazing. Well, there were some that were not that great, but I am ignoring those. I had a great body and I thought I was fat, lets not repeat that mistake.  Let’s love our bodies right here and right now, and always aim to get healthier and healthier. 

I took some pictures out to put all over the apartment as inspiration to go back to that body. I can do it. I am not that far from it.  I refuse to think that I cannot have a 34-year-old body at 54.

Anything and anyone can try to limit me, but I will never limit myself. My mind doesn’t believe in limits, and cannots and impossible. I can achieve whatever I desire if I work hard enough for those.

“The only limits in our life are those we impose on ourselves.” – Bob Proctor”

Dark Days and Leafless Trees

01 Sunday Nov 2020

Posted by in Daily Life

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“Do not despise your own place and hour. Every place is under the stars, every place is the center of the world.” ― John Burroughs

I love dark days and leafless trees
I find them comforting and safe

I remember being 17
I remember the pain of missing, deep in my heart

While doing the dishes
I watched the outside world
From the kitchen window
A world I knew nothing of
Nothing was familiar
Even the dishes felt foreign in my hands

This was a world of dark days and leafless trees
This was not the winter I knew
Tears would streak down my face 

I remember asking myself
Often out loud:
What am I doing here?

The answer never came
There was no answer
I knew I was where I was supposed to be

The alternative, to go back
To the place of warm sunny winters
And forever green trees
Was always an option

But never the option for me
My choice was to stay and discover
Stay and grow up
Stay, persevere and become

That is how I fell in love with leafless trees and dark days

(this is from and for the 17 year old me that arrived in the US clueless, bright eyes and bushy tailed, knowing nothing but with a heart overflowing with hope and enthusiasm. 37 years later I am still here, I am still the same and yet so changed and so changing)

“All of us might wish at times that we lived in a more tranquil world, but we don’t. And if our times are difficult and perplexing, so are they challenging and filled with opportunity.”― Robert Kennedy