Life is a bowl of grapes, some sour, some sweet

19 Tuesday Jul 2022

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“We should all do what, in the long run, gives us joy, even if it is only picking grapes or sorting the laundry.” – E. B. White

Here is the latest mosaic piece I did.  As with some of the others, I started with a painting that I got at a tag sale.  It helps to already have a frame, and the painting already on it often gives me inspiration.  More often than not I end up with something very different than the original painting, but still, one can see the the remnants of it in it.  This one has no grout.  I just used glue.

I was going to label myself as the lazy artist because of that, but I am not.  I am being resourceful.  I am labeling myself the smart artist.  That I am calling myself an artist at all is a wonder.  I was never artistic or creative.  I have always been smart and good at a variety of things, but art was never among those talents.

So, to be doing mosaics and doing some pieces that people actually like, is an amazing feeling.  I still struggle with my practical and results driven side.  I want to finish a project as soon as I start.

The beauty of mosaics, and any art, for that matter, is getting lost in it.  It is the proverbial journey.  I am getting there.  

“People pretend not to like grapes when the vines are too high for them to reach.” ― Marguerite de Navarre

“My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. ‘Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you’re stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem – just move on to the next. ‘Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'” – Demetri Martin

“You are but a tiny cluster upon the vines of heaven, where the grapes are worlds; yet you hold the power to ripen your bitter berries and add to the eternal vintage of cosmic sweetness if so you will.” ― Eden Phillpotts, Saurus

 

“My love, suddenly
your hip
is the curve of the wineglass
filled to the brim,
your breast is the cluster,
your hair the light of alcohol,
your nipples, the grapes
your navel pure seal
stamped on your barrel of a belly,
and your love the cascade
of unquenchable wine,
the brightness that falls on my senses,
the earthen splendor of life.”
― Pablo Neruda

It is okay to be off course

16 Saturday Jul 2022

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“I am careful not to confuse excellence with perfection. Excellence, I can reach for; perfection is God’s business.”
― Michael J. Fox

My Duolingo streak is broken. I made it to day 339. I had a choice of paying to keep my streak going. Call me frugal, but I didn’t pay.

Perhaps I should have. It has been 3 or 4 days and I still haven’t gone back to doing my daily French lessons. It is easy to leave it for later if I no longer have a streak to protect.

All of a sudden I feel like a loser. How could I break my streak? Keeping that streak going made me feel powerful and capable of grand things. Stupid, right?

“Don’t mistake activity with achievement.”
― John Wooden

It will take me another year to get to that number again, once I start it, if I start it. Perhaps keeping a streak going is not for me. Maybe I should make a point of breaking streaks.

Duolingo is not the only thing that I have been neglecting lately. This blog, my exercise routine, healthy meals, books, etc, they are all suffering. 

I have been choosing to start early at work, instead of going to the gym. I often choose Netflix and Sedecordle instead of reading a book. I sometimes eat cheesebread and fries for dinner, and the list goes on and on.

None of that really makes me a loser. Nothing has the power to, if I don’t let it. It is a matter of choice. Lately, I have been making choices that are not wise, but it feels comfortable. Perhaps that is just a nice way to say I have been lazy lately.

“In the pursuit of perfection, I forgot I was already enough.”
― Caroline George, The Summer We Forgot

And so what? Who says that I have to be always productive and perfect? Here is a newsflash to myself: You are not perfect. Perfection is an illusion. Just aim to be the best human being you can.

I am embracing the fact that it is okay for things not to be okay. It is okay to be off my routine. It is okay to let things go for a little bit; it is okay not to pressure myself to always be doing something.

It is okay not to feel in control at times. It is healthy to realize that streaks end, that sometimes we go off course. It is the perfect time to reassess my priorities. It is the perfect time to do things out of love and want, and not out of the sense of obligation and in search of perfection.

“Have no fear of perfection – you’ll never reach it.”― Salvador Dali

Sometimes one needs a break, needs to step off the gas pedal. I am yet again choosing to be kind to myself. I am giving myself permission to be less and do less.

I know I will slowly get back to the things that feed my body, mind and soul in a healthy way. I will go back to pursuing interests and passions, instead of coasting.

For now, I breathe. I get work done, deadlines met. I have finished another mosaic, which makes my heart sing (posting it next).

And for another great way to waste my valuable and scarce time, I just signed up for Match.

Because hope never dies.

“Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul
And sings the tune without the words
And never stops at all.”
― Emily Dickinson

Just silent, not gone

11 Monday Jul 2022

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“We often think that our affairs, great or small, must be tended continuously and in detail, or our world will disintegrate, and we will lose our places in the universe. That is not true, or if it is true, then our situations were so temporary that they would have collapsed anyway.” ― Maya Angelou

Life has been incredibly busy. My co-worker has been out now for over 1 month being treated for breast cancer.

The good news is that she is doing well and will not need chemotherapy. The bad news is that I have no idea when she will be returning to work. 

I have been staying at work late every day and working on Saturdays to be able to get it all done. In the end I do get it all done, but I tend to forget about me along the way. 

I am trying not to let the things I love slide by.  Some of what I love most are mosaics, and being involved with my blog, writing and visiting my blogger friends.

I haven’t been that present here.  I will try to catch up to everyone’s blog in the coming days.  As far as mosaics I managed to finish the one below, and I am putting the finishing touches in another one that I will be posting in the next few days.  

https://www.instagram.com/blessedwithastar/?hl=en

 

Freedom, not loneliness

29 Wednesday Jun 2022

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“You can change the place you live, your clothes, your interests, your friends, your religion and even your partner. However, if you forgot to change your mind, attitude, beliefs about the world, how you treat people and how you plan to be different this time around, why did you even bother?” ― Shannon L. Alder

After 5 years of living with me, my sister moved into her own place. It was not planned.  It happened very quickly.

I was 17 years old when I moved to NY.  She stayed in Brazil.  For the next 34 years we would see each once or twice a year.  In 2017 she got her Green Card and came to live with me. 

We are both fiercely independent Aries, loving our freedom and independence. Living together came with some adjustments.   Apparently I was doing a lot things wrong until she got here and showed me how to do it correctly 🙂  We both think we know it all! Things were better than expected though, we settled in a nice rhythm, and 5 years went by.

My tenant moved out on June 15, and I decided to sell the condo.  No more tenants for me.  I took my sister there to see it for the first time.  She fell in love with it.  

She is now my tenant while she saves more money for an official down payment.  She has been saving and investing since she got her first job here, so it will not take long.  I am extremely proud of her for being in the position to own something of her own here in the US.

We are both very excited to have our own spaces again, but she won’t be far.  We are in the same building. She is only a floor away. 



THE ABOVE CARTOON SAYS:
You get home, make coffee, sit on your favorite chair and there is no one…
You are the one that decides if that is loneliness or freedom.

So now I have my second bedroom back.  It is a good size bedroom, but I have so many ideas for it, that I will need 5 additional bedrooms to do it all.

Guest/Mom’s room- I will need a day bed or a sleep sofa. Comfy, but stylish.

Library/Reading corner -I will need a bookshelf and a comfy chair.

Mosaic studio – I will need a table and storage space for the materials.

Exercise corner – I will need to buy an elliptical. Need space to store mat, elastic bands, weights, etc. There are 2 closets, but I rather have those items easy, ready to use.

Sauna corner – need a space for my sauna blanket.  I am tired of rolling and unrolling it to use. And somewhere to place it – on the floor is not that comfortable.  Perhaps I will use the daybed when I get it or some small futon.

If you know me, you know I am a saver and not a spender, so I am not running out and buying a bunch of stuff to fill the room.  Specially after I take a look at my investments-scarily low. I will take my time.

“Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.” ― Maya Angelou

https://www.instagram.com/blessedwithastar/?hl=en

 

Getting back to mosaics

27 Monday Jun 2022

Posted by in Daily Life, Mosaic and other crafts

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Here are two mosaic pieces that I just finished. They are not my favorites, but they do look much better in person, than in my not so clear pictures.

it is good to be getting back to the studio after almost 2 months away.

I started making the pizza when I was dating B.  I thought it would be fun to have a reminder of a date that didn’t go so well. This date:  https://atomic-temporary-33385295.wpcomstaging.com/2022/03/15/the-pizza-date-i-mean-debacle/ 

It turns out, as you may know, that the entire short relationship didn’t turn out well. I don’t want any reminders of that, but still I don’t like to leave things unfinished, so I finished it.

Below is a frame that was born out of a broken ceramic container that had play cards on it. I had just returned from the casino, so it seemed fitting.

“The beauty of being shattered is how the shards become our character and our marks of distinction. This is how we are refined by our pain. When the storm rips you to pieces, you get to decide how to put yourself back together again. The storm gives us the gift of our defining choices. You will be a different person after the storm, because the storm will heal you from your perfection. People who stay perfect and unblemished never really get to live fully or deeply. You will not be the same after the storms of life; you will be stronger, wiser and more alive than ever before!” ― Bryant McGill, Simple Reminders: Inspiration for Living Your Best Life

Sunday Coffee Date Update

23 Thursday Jun 2022

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“Some moments are nice, some are
nicer, some are even worth writing about.”
― Charles Bukowski, War All the Time

On Sunday morning, I was helping my sister organize some stuff and lost track of time.  All of a sudden, I realized it was a quarter to 11. My date was at 11am.

It was a mad rush. I took a shower, washed my hair, got dressed and was there at 11:00am. Luckly, the coffee shop was just around the corner from my apartment. I had wet hair, but I was on time.  By the way, being able to get ready in minutes is one of my claims to fame. 

As I was approaching the coffee shop, I saw him across the street reading a parking sign. I crossed and met him there.  I cannot remember if we hugged hello or not.  He looked like his picture, but was taller than I expected.  He is 6’4, and had some type of hiking shoes that added even more height.  He had beautiful blue eyes. 

We walked into this new coffee shop called Cafetero in New Rochelle.  I ordered an oat milk mocha latte and he ordered cappuccino. We were lucky to get the last table available.  We set down and there were no awkward pauses or any silence.  We both like to talk and took turns interrupting each other. 

“Always just pleasant. Never overexcited. Never, in fact, excited at all. Just pleasant, which is simply another word for nice.” ― Cecelia Ahern, Thanks for the Memories

I was able to learn a little about his life.  He lived overseas for a while.  Has two kids. He has been separated and out of the marital home for over 3 years, but he is still not divorced as they continue to battle over the assets.  He has a court date coming up and thinks that all will be resolved by then.

After one hour of conversation, I decided that it was time to go.  One hour seems like a good time for coffee only.  Had we gotten something to eat, perhaps I would have stayed longer.  

Looking back, perhaps I was too abrupt in cutting the date short.  But we are both the type of people that can talk forever.  It seemed that we were always in the middle of some conversation and there was no opening to say goodbye. So, it had to be abrupt.

The bottom line is that I found him handsome, personable and smart. But that was it.  Do I need more?  Yes, I do! I need sparks, or at least hints of it.  There was none.  I think we would make good friends.

I got home and texted him saying it was nice meeting him.  He replied agreeing he had a nice time.  He hasn’t reached out again.  I don’t expect him to, but if he does I would go out again as friends.

“In youth, it was a way I had,
To do my best to please.
And change, with every passing lad
To suit his theories.

But now I know the things I know
And do the things I do,
And if you do not like me so,
To hell, my love, with you.”
― Dorothy Parker, The Complete Poems of Dorothy Parker

A date here and there. A drink here and there. Fun always and everywhere.

17 Friday Jun 2022

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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City Island, NY

City Island, NY

“What is past is past. never go back. Not for excuses. Not for justification, not for happiness. You are what you are, the world is what it is.” ― Mario Puzo

I should listen to Mario Puzo.  I think you realize by now that I have a problem closing doors.  I keep believing in redemption and second chances. Or perhaps I just think that the person will one day realize how amazing I really am.   I am getting better though.  I am slowly realizing I don’t have to talk to everyone. I don’t have to let everyone back in.  I don’t have to be nice to everyone. I don’t have to be friends with everyone.

“Even a spineless arthropod shed what’s no longer useful and leaves it behind them.  Are you not greater than they?” ― Jason Versey

I am deciding which online dating site I will be signing for next.   It will probably be Match.  While I decide and find the time to fill out a profile and upload photos, I have been busy with friends and some guys from the past.

There is this one guy that I don’t remember what name I gave him here.  I actually don’t even remember if I wrote about him.  Several years ago, we had a late-night date at a diner.  Immediately it was friendly and not romantic. 

Since then, he will call or text  a couple of times a year.   There is nothing interesting about his conversations.  It is all about him complaining about being busy and gloating about making a lot money.  He will always say that we need to get together and that he will call me to schedule.  He never does.  By now, I don’t even want to be friends anymore. 

I have his name on my phone as “Waste of Time”,  that should tell you how I feel about his texts and calls.  Finally, I got tired and blocked him on Messenger. 

The other day he found me on WhatsApp.  After exchanging a couple of messages, I blocked him there too.  It is the same song and dance.  He is not even friend material.

From now on I have to remember to block people on both, Messenger and WhatsApp.

“Memory takes a lot of poetic license. It omits some details; others are exaggerated, according to the emotional value of the articles it touches, for memory is seated predominantly in the heart. The interior is therefore rather dim and poetic.” – Tennessee Williams

Kremšnita at Dubrovnik Restaurant

Kremšnita at Dubrovnik Restaurant

Then there is Mr. Stock: https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.wordpress.com/2021/09/10/the-prelude-to-the-unmasking-of-mr-stock/

We had a great time at that dinner over a year ago. I thought that he would ask me out again.  He never did.  Still, we continued the texting/talking relationship.  I was okay with that because we have become good friends.

Last Friday he asked if I wanted to go out to dinner.  I was surprised.  I like to eat, so I said yes.  I don’t mind last minute invitations.  If I am free, I go.

We went to Dubrovnik’s in New Rochelle.  He drove over 1 hour to take me to dinner.  He said that it took him hours to get the courage to ask me out.  I found that weird, and told him that.  I don’t get what the fear was. Later I understood that he thought this was a date.

During dinner he hinted that he now feels ready for a relationship… with me.  I was honest and said:  Been there, done that!  I told him about B., and how they are similar in the fact that they are both widowers and were not ready to date when we originally met.  I told him I am not making that same mistake again.

I also said to him that I believe that if a man really likes a woman, he doesn’t wait 1 year to ask her out on a second date.

He tried to give me all sorts of excuses, but I was not moved.  Friendship is the only thing on the table for him.

We continue to be friends.

“There exists in man a mass of sense lying in a dormant state, and which, unless something excites it to action, will descend with him, in that condition, to the grave.” ― Thomas Paine

Another guy, G. from a neighboring town reached out this week on WhatsApp.  Are people all of a sudden discovering WhatsApp? He mentioned that we met on OKCupid last year.  I was cautious as I didn’t remember anything about him.  I asked him if he had changed phone numbers, as he was not on my contacts.  He said that he didn’t.  I was only able to remember him when he sent me a picture.

I asked why we had stopped communicating and he said that I went to Brazil to visit my parents and never got in touch again. That is very possible.

I went through my records.  Yes, I do keep dating records.  It does come in handy. On my notes on him, I wrote: “Seems nice, but doesn’t seem to be that interested. Divorce is not final yet.”

On my notes I have a different phone number for him.  I will keep that in mind and ask him about it when we meet for coffee on Sunday. 

“Potential has a shelf life.” ― Margaret Atwood

On Saturday (Jun11), a friend, my sister and I went to a new Venezuelan restaurant in my town called Arepa Mania.  They had live music, and the two singers were great.   Do you know when restaurants open too soon, before they are ready?  That was the feeling I had.  Still, it was good, the owners were very pleasant, the music fun, the food good, but I think they have room for improvement.  After, we went for drinks to Modern Restaurant.

Cocktail at Modern Restaurant

Cocktail at Modern Restaurant

On Thursday (Jun14) we went to City Island, NY to Sea Shore restaurant.  The views were incredible, the service was great, but the food was just ok. The best for me was the free corn bread that they serve at the beginning.

Last night (Jun15) we took a friend to dinner at Tapas & Cucina in Eastchester, NY.  We had the most amazing time.  I have enjoyed their food, ambiance and service the past two times I had been there, but this time they added music to it.  They had an Italian singer, and it was great.  It was her birthday and the singer came and serenated her.  She was over the moon.

Yes, I have been busy 🙂

“We don’t know where we’re going, but isn’t is fun to go?” ― L.M. Montgomery

It feels good to be heard

13 Monday Jun 2022

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“Sometimes we just need to be heard… There are times in life when being heard leads to being healed.” ― Steve Maraboli

It feels good to know that someone is listening.  Even if that someone is a cute green owl.

 

I am am happy to report that I am still learning French with Duolingo.  It has been over 300 days and counting.

“Being heard and understood is “one of the greatest desires of the human heart.” ― Richard Carlson, Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff … and It’s All Small Stuff: Simple Ways to Keep the Little Things From Taking Over Your Life

 

 

 

 

 

Back to the US and to anxiety

10 Friday Jun 2022

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My view from the office window

“What emotion had so invaded me? Fear? It is sometimes curiously difficult to name the emotion from which one suffers. The naming of it is sometimes unimportant, sometimes crucial.” ― Iris Murdoch, The Black Prince

I got back to NY and the anxiety has returned.  Well, I don’t think it had really left.  In Brazil I just did a good job of keeping it at bay.

I am still blaming Covid for some of it, but I think there are other factors at play.  Such as my need for routine.  I was in Brazil for 3 weeks, and now that I am back I cannot go back to my regular routine of work, and getting to the gym a couple of times to walk during the day.

I cannot go back to it because as I arrived, my assistant/co-worker was leaving to be treated for breast cancer.  The good news is that her prognosis is very good.  The bad news for me is that she will probably be away from work for a long time.  

My firm is not in the best shape financially to hire additional help, so I will have to do both jobs.  I can do it. I have done it before, but I fear messing up something important because of the mental fogginess and memories issues. I feel overwhelmed with some deadlines looming.

Another contributing factor to the anxiety, that I have to be honest about, is sugar.  I have written about sugar here a lot.  It is my constant frenemy.  The one I run to at all times, but that I should instead run from. I know it creates this rollercoaster effect with my emotions.

I did a wonderful job at not indulging in too many sweets in Brazil.  But, everything I didn’t eat there I brought with me.  I even brought a couple of cakes.  I am trying to do better and next time I go to Brazil I am not bringing anything back.  For now, I guess, I just need to finish it all soon. 🙂

“That’s your solution? Have a cookie?’ Astrid asked. ‘No, my solution is to run down to the beach and hide out until this is all over,’ Sam said. ‘But a cookie never hurts.” ― Michael Grant, Gone

On Tuesday I let the stress and anxiety get a hold of me.  I was feeling very overwhelmed the whole day.  I was lethargic and unmotivated.  Even this blog and my mosaics, two of the things that I love the most, felt unappealing to me.

That evening I got home in a bad mood, went straight to my bedroom and lay in bed staring at the ceiling.   I stayed there until the following morning.  

The next morning, I was horrified by that action, or should I say inaction.  I had let my emotions rule me to the point of paralysis.  I realized that I had completely forgotten about some very important beliefs that I hold, and some of my go-to coping mechanisms.

BELIEFS:

  • It is not what happens to me. It is how I choose to react and handle the situation.  A change in thinking and attitude is in order.
  • I am not a victim. There is nothing happening to me.  I can rise up and do what needs to be done.  And I can do it well.
  • There are no problems, only opportunities. This is an opportunity.  An opportunity to change things up at work, to see if all the guidelines I have put in place are being followed.  I already see a lot areas that need improvement. 

COPING MECHANISMS:

  • Make mental and written gratitude lists. Realizing how much I have and how much I have going for me, puts me in a good mood immediately.
  • Trying to quiet my mind down helps me immensely.  The overflowing of chit chat in my mind is what drives me nuts.
  • Making plans. Having goals to achieve and look forward to, believe me or not, helps. One would think that adding more stuff to my to do list would make it worst, but it doesn’t.
  • Just take a break, breathe and watch the beauty of nature. I started doing that at work now, and I look at the water far out in the distance (see the 2 pictures).

At the end of the day, I know better.  I know I am sounding like a spoiled cry baby complaining about extra work and anxiety, as my assistant is being treated for cancer. 😦  For the record, she is also a friend.  I am here for her, checking in on her daily and bringing her fruits, and whatever she needs.

“Life has a tendency to provide a person with what they need in order to grow. Our beliefs, what we value in life, provide the roadmap for the type of life that we experience. A period of personal unhappiness reveals that our values are misplaced and we are on the wrong path. Unless a person changes their values and ideas, they will continue to experience

A closer view of Long Island Sound

Being in Brazil

26 Thursday May 2022

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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“The traveler sees what he sees. The tourist sees what he has come to see.” ― G.K. Chesterton

I have been in Brazil now since May 11th.  I am returning to NY this Saturday, May 28.  I love being in Brazil with my parents, but I miss my routine in the US. 

I came back to Brazil to bring my mother back after her stay in NY, and also to give my brother a vacation from taking care of my parents.  He went to Porto Seguro, Bahia, where it is always sunny and hot. 

In our area, in the Southeast of Brazil, it has been chilly. There is no indoor heating.  I have been trying to talk my parents into getting a heater but it has been tough for them to accept it.  Anything new to my parents, it is a waste of money.  It doesn’t matter if I am the one paying for.

“It is not enough to be busy; so are the ants. The question is: What are we busy about?” ― Henry David Thoreau

While here I am spending most of my time:

  • Preparing lunch.  Lunch is a big deal here.  Right at breakfast we talk about what will be on the menu for lunch. There is always rice, beans and a salad.  Then a protein, mostly beef or chicken, and vegetables, anything from zucchini to okra.
  • Fixing stuff around the house/buying stuff. I bought new hampers and other accessories for the home, I cemented some loose stones around the the balcony and garage, cleaned closets, etc.
  • Having friends over for afternoon coffee.  Not all of them tell us they are coming.  Some just show up.  There is always country cheese, and a combination of breads, cookies, cheese bread, etc on the table.  
  • Working remotely.  I have been doing office work a few hours a day.  It is not as productive as when I am in the office, and often frustrating to work on a tiny laptop, but I have been getting stuff done.
  • Pilates.  I started on the day arrived and have been going every day for one hour.  The studio is around the corner from my house.  It has been amazing!!  I wish I could do Pilates every day forever.  
  • Answering the door.  There are all kinds of people selling all kinds of stuff.    We are customers of some of them for years. We buy everything from produce to water.  There is always some new face selling something.  My parents buy something from everyone to help them out.

I do a lot here, and still doesn’t feel I am doing enough or as much as I should. I arrive full of plans, and want to go home feeling I have accomplished a lot.

Lately when I am in Brazil I mostly stay with my parents.  I want to spend as much time with them as I can while I have them.  But the other evening I decided to meet some girlfriends for a drink.  We had pizza and wine, and it was a lot fun.

Since getting Covid in December I haven’t been myself mentally.  I forget things, I mess up things.  My family noticed and they are urging me to see a doctor.   Just today I went to another town one hour away to deliver some documents.  When I got there, I realized that I had taken the wrong envelope.  This type of situation has been a constant for me, daily. 

I hope this mental fogginess gets better.  The heartburn and anxiety are gone, so I have faith it is a matter of time.   It is just tough right now to be second guessing myself and see myself becoming insecure and unsure.

See you back in NY! 🙂

https://www.instagram.com/blessedwithastar/?hl=en

“One must still have chaos in oneself to be able to give birth to a dancing star.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche