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My view from the office window

“What emotion had so invaded me? Fear? It is sometimes curiously difficult to name the emotion from which one suffers. The naming of it is sometimes unimportant, sometimes crucial.” ― Iris Murdoch, The Black Prince

I got back to NY and the anxiety has returned.  Well, I don’t think it had really left.  In Brazil I just did a good job of keeping it at bay.

I am still blaming Covid for some of it, but I think there are other factors at play.  Such as my need for routine.  I was in Brazil for 3 weeks, and now that I am back I cannot go back to my regular routine of work, and getting to the gym a couple of times to walk during the day.

I cannot go back to it because as I arrived, my assistant/co-worker was leaving to be treated for breast cancer.  The good news is that her prognosis is very good.  The bad news for me is that she will probably be away from work for a long time.  

My firm is not in the best shape financially to hire additional help, so I will have to do both jobs.  I can do it. I have done it before, but I fear messing up something important because of the mental fogginess and memories issues. I feel overwhelmed with some deadlines looming.

Another contributing factor to the anxiety, that I have to be honest about, is sugar.  I have written about sugar here a lot.  It is my constant frenemy.  The one I run to at all times, but that I should instead run from. I know it creates this rollercoaster effect with my emotions.

I did a wonderful job at not indulging in too many sweets in Brazil.  But, everything I didn’t eat there I brought with me.  I even brought a couple of cakes.  I am trying to do better and next time I go to Brazil I am not bringing anything back.  For now, I guess, I just need to finish it all soon. 🙂

“That’s your solution? Have a cookie?’ Astrid asked. ‘No, my solution is to run down to the beach and hide out until this is all over,’ Sam said. ‘But a cookie never hurts.” ― Michael Grant, Gone

On Tuesday I let the stress and anxiety get a hold of me.  I was feeling very overwhelmed the whole day.  I was lethargic and unmotivated.  Even this blog and my mosaics, two of the things that I love the most, felt unappealing to me.

That evening I got home in a bad mood, went straight to my bedroom and lay in bed staring at the ceiling.   I stayed there until the following morning.  

The next morning, I was horrified by that action, or should I say inaction.  I had let my emotions rule me to the point of paralysis.  I realized that I had completely forgotten about some very important beliefs that I hold, and some of my go-to coping mechanisms.

BELIEFS:

  • It is not what happens to me. It is how I choose to react and handle the situation.  A change in thinking and attitude is in order.
  • I am not a victim. There is nothing happening to me.  I can rise up and do what needs to be done.  And I can do it well.
  • There are no problems, only opportunities. This is an opportunity.  An opportunity to change things up at work, to see if all the guidelines I have put in place are being followed.  I already see a lot areas that need improvement. 

COPING MECHANISMS:

  • Make mental and written gratitude lists. Realizing how much I have and how much I have going for me, puts me in a good mood immediately.
  • Trying to quiet my mind down helps me immensely.  The overflowing of chit chat in my mind is what drives me nuts.
  • Making plans. Having goals to achieve and look forward to, believe me or not, helps. One would think that adding more stuff to my to do list would make it worst, but it doesn’t.
  • Just take a break, breathe and watch the beauty of nature. I started doing that at work now, and I look at the water far out in the distance (see the 2 pictures).

At the end of the day, I know better.  I know I am sounding like a spoiled cry baby complaining about extra work and anxiety, as my assistant is being treated for cancer. 🙁  For the record, she is also a friend.  I am here for her, checking in on her daily and bringing her fruits, and whatever she needs.

“Life has a tendency to provide a person with what they need in order to grow. Our beliefs, what we value in life, provide the roadmap for the type of life that we experience. A period of personal unhappiness reveals that our values are misplaced and we are on the wrong path. Unless a person changes their values and ideas, they will continue to experience

A closer view of Long Island Sound