Category Archives: Finding Me

Anything related to the discovery of the inner me

The waiting game and spark-less dates

16 Wednesday Jan 2019

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“The happiness you are seeking is not to be found in the flow of life, but in your attitude toward whatever life brings.” ― Ramesh S. Balsekar

Life proceeds with the ups and downs.  I proceed with gratitude.  On the downs I tell myself that it will pass and I remember the ups.  Without the downs life would just be flat and boring.  At the up times I remember to be even more grateful.

SALE OF APARTMENT

The contract is signed.  I am hoping to close soon but we have to wait for the title search that normally takes 2 to 3 weeks.  For this impatient Aries having to wait is painful, but it is also a chance to learn acceptance.  So I sit back, breath and inhale patience.

I was at the apartment last night and I remembered how much I loved living there.  It is so cozy.   I moved out to go live with the ex-boyfriend.  After 3 years there he cheated on me and broke my heart, and I started this blog.

I felt a bit nostalgic.  I reminded myself the reasons why I am selling it: for simplicity, for less encurbements.  It is the end of a chapter.

“It is always important to know when something has reached its end. Closing circles, shutting doors, finishing chapters, it doesn’t matter what we call it; what matters is to leave in the past those moments in life that are over.” – Paulo Coelho

DATES

I have had a couple of date these past several days.  I decided to keep those 2 very short, just coffee dates.

Mr. A.  He is 61 and is a psychologist and also involved in a business venture.  We met at a nice coffee shop in my neighborhood.  His ex-wife and business partner was having issues and texting him non-stop.   For some reason I didn’t really care about that.

He is a bit too much for me.  It is hard to explain.  He talked non-stop.  I had trouble keeping up with all he was saying.  No chemistry but I think we may still become friends and bond over spirituals and zen pursuits.  Some of what I was able to grasp from what he was saying was actually interesting.

Mr. L.  He is 55 and works for the NY Federal Court System.   We met in Grand Central Station, which was very convenient for me, so I appreciated his thoughtfulness with that.  We had some pleasant conversation but I did most of the talking.  We seem to be at very different stages in life even though we are almost the same age.  Again, a good guy but not for me. Zero chemistry.

“Let yourself disappear in the darkness; if you are loved, people will come and find you with torches in their hands! Love is a great searcher; it always searches the loved one! To see who really love you, just disappear!” ― Mehmet Murat ildan

Dates and Decisions

05 Saturday Jan 2019

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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DATING

Update on the date with Mr. J. – We met at a Brazilian restaurant on 46th Street called Ipanema.  We had a couple of appetizers that were delicious.  I had the passion fruit caipirinha and he had the original one.

We talked non-stop like old friends and bonded over our love of skiing. Unfortunately there wasn’t much chemistry.  Also his divorce is not final yet and he is still living in the family home.  It is going to be awhile until he gets his situation sorted out and I don’t want to get involved in it, chemistry or no chemistry.

I have no dates schedule.  I want to date more but I will only schedule something if I think that there is an inkling of chance that I will meet a lover or a friend.

Speaking of friend, I have a friend date scheduled with my friend A. for another sauna, gym and food session tomorrow.  We are going to try a natural organic vegetarian restaurant. I am shocked to say that I am looking forward to it. 🙂

“None of us knows what might happen even the next minute, yet still we go forward. Because we trust. Because we have Faith.” ― Paulo Coelho

****

APARTMENT SALE (Simplifying life)

My apartment was listed on Thursday afternoon.  By the end of the day I already had an offer for my full asking price.  Did I list too low?  It is hard to tell.  It seems comparable to apartments in the area and the ones that have been sold in the complex.

At the same time there are not a lot of similar properties in the market so my realtor and I hoped to generate a buzz and possibly receive multiple offers. I was hoping for a cash offer and not have to deal with waiting for financing, etc.

The person that made the offer is someone that has been interested in the apartment for years.  She wanted to rent but missed that to someone that gave me a full year of rent payments in advance.

She made the offer on the condition that I would not go through with an Open House  scheduled for tomorrow.  I declined. I want to do at least one and see what happens.

I don’t think this person will go away if she really wants it, but it is a gamble.

I am a bit sad about selling this apartment.  I really loved it when I lived there but the chances that I will go back and live there are slim to none. The apartment I live at now has 2 bedrooms and is closer to the train station. Two things I need at this time.

On the other hand there is jubilation.  There is this feeling of freedom and of leaving the past in the past, good or bad.

Time to let go, move on and simplify.

“Our life is frittered away by detail. Simplify, simplify.” – Henry David Thoreau

More good, more light, more love in 2019!

28 Friday Dec 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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“There is nothing magical about the flip of the calendar, but it represents a clean break, a new hope, and a blank canvas.” ― Jason Soroski

I hope everyone is having an amazing Holiday Season! Be it with family, friends or alone, make it festive and fun!

I will be posting about my dating adventures in the next few posts as I am back online dating.

I came across the video below and want to share it for 2 reasons.  First, I love people being clever and I love people doing good. This guy did both.  It always renews my faith in humanity and it gets me in the frame of mind to do more for others.

And second, because my friend Matthew is in it. I see Matthew a few times a week if the weather helps.

I briefly commented about him here:  https://atomic-temporary-33385295.wpcomstaging.com/2018/06/28/not-just-faces-they-do-have-names/

On the video below Matthew is at 1:58 mins into it.  He is sitting at his usual spot on the corner of 34th St and Madison Avenue.

Any time you have a chance do something good, help someone less fortunate, please do it.  Give, even if it is just a smile or a loving word.  It makes a world of difference.

May everyone have an amazing New Year’s Eve!  May 2019 be full of wonder and surprises! Let’s make goals and plans!  Let’s do more for ourselves and others.

“I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes.

Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You’re doing things you’ve never done before, and more importantly, you’re Doing Something.

So that’s my wish for you, and all of us, and my wish for myself. Make New Mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody’s ever made before. Don’t freeze, don’t stop, don’t worry that it isn’t good enough, or it isn’t perfect, whatever it is: art, or love, or work or family or life.

Whatever it is you’re scared of doing, Do it.

Make your mistakes, next year and forever.” 
― Neil Gaiman

Money versus Peace

19 Wednesday Dec 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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“To simplify is about enhancing our ability to focus on things that really matter, to deliberately choose our priorities, and to refuse to let unimportant things take over the things of real importance.” -― Carolyn J. Rasmus

I have been praying for guidance as I feel that I am at a crossroads point in my life. I have been feeling overwhelmed, tired and stagnant.

Then a chance to simplify a little bit my life appears and I almost brush it off, ignoring it and continuing on the roller-coaster.  When blessings happen sometimes it is easy to mistake it for inconvenience.  Sometimes it is easier to want to continue with what we know instead of changing.

One of my tenants, not the one that recently was giving me problems, informed me that she is leaving.  I immediately called the realtor about the next steps to rent it again.  Last time I rented it out there was a bidding war so I know I can rent it easily.

After hanging up the phone it dawned on me that every time there is an issue I tell myself that I am selling it as soon as the tenant leaves.  Now here is my chance, and I almost missed it.

I was not born to be a landlord.  I fell into it and then I am told over and over how it is dumb for me to sell great properties.  So I continued to keep them not to make a dumb move.

“Use it up, wear it out, make it do, or do without.” ― Boyd K. Packer

Of course I realize that having passive income every month is great.  I realize that the tendency of that property is to appreciate.  I realize that in a few years I would have the credit line I have on it paid off and the stream of income would be really sweet.

Even with all that on the table, I feel I made the right decision for me.  I don’t have the time or energy to deal with rental properties.  This tenant leaving is a blessing! It is my chance to start simplifying my life.

Once the decision was made I already felt light and free.  I still have another tenant, but this is a great step in getting rid of excess stress.  I have a lot to do now with getting it ready to sell and dealing with the management company and the realtor, etc, but I will do it all with a smile on my face as my mind and heart are on the ultimate goal of freedom from stress.

“Overcoming procrastination is not, I repeat, not about cramming additional work into your day . . . overcoming procrastination is about simplifying your life to make space for the activities that matter most.” ― Richie Norton 

 

I am back and I am trying a new attitude.

08 Saturday Dec 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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“If you feel lost, disappointed, hesitant, or weak, return to yourself, to who you are, here and now and when you get there, you will discover yourself, like a lotus flower in full bloom, even in a muddy pond, beautiful and strong.” ― Masaru Emoto

I came back from Brazil a few days ago.  I did have a great time with my family.
All I did was clean and organize, but I happen to love that. To me cleaning and organizing is very cathartic.  I love manual labor. The dirtier and more unorganized something is, the better.

The highlight of my trip was taking stuff to a shelter. I had a SUV completely filled with stuff used and new, as well as groceries and produce.  Helping others is one of best feelings in the world.

At work nothing has changed. I still want to quit but I decided to be smart and not impulsive.  I decided to wait for the right time and make sure that I am not leaving money on the table.  I am developing an exit plan.

The woman at work is leaving me alone.  In fact she doesn’t look at me or acknowledges me which both annoys me and makes me happy.  That makes for a work environment that I don’t want to be a part of.  I guess being ignored is better than false niceties.

The boss hasn’t done what I expected. He actually did nothing.  I feel I didn’t get the respect and support I deserved from him and the other partner.  Since I cannot change the people or the situation at work I am doing my best to change my attitude and my reactions to things, events and situations.  I am talking less and listening more.

And I am praying… praying for guidance and direction.  I am praying to see the signs the Universe is sending me.  I am so grateful and so lucky for so many things, so many blessings.  For having a job, even though I want to quit it.  I am grateful for the ability to dream and plan.  I am grateful for the curves on the road, for the tunnels and for always being able to see the light at the end of it.

“For Equilibrium, a Blessing:
Like the joy of the sea coming home to shore,
May the relief of laughter rinse through your soul.

As the wind loves to call things to dance,
May your gravity by lightened by grace.

Like the dignity of moonlight restoring the earth,
May your thoughts incline with reverence and respect.

As water takes whatever shape it is in,
So free may you be about who you become.

As silence smiles on the other side of what’s said,
May your sense of irony bring perspective.

As time remains free of all that it frames,
May your mind stay clear of all it names.

May your prayer of listening deepen enough
to hear in the depths the laughter of god.” 
― John O’Donohue

 

Grateful for all, the good and the not so great!

21 Wednesday Nov 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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“Let gratitude be the pillow upon which you kneel to say your nightly prayer. And let faith be the bridge you build to overcome evil and welcome good.”  – ― Maya Angelou

This post was intended to be about Thanksgiving and gratitude but I am going to be selfish and ungrateful for a moment.  Please indulge my bellyaching.  Sometimes it feels that if I don’t talk about something my head will explode.   There are so many people out there with real issues.  But when all I want to do is cry I need to let it out.

I have never been so close to quitting my job as I am right at this moment. I normally make rash decisions just following my gut, but this time I need to really think about it.

The stick that is threatening to break the camel’s back is a new broker that has been hired in my office.  In the first few days she just seemed quirky, now I realize she is impossible to deal with.  I have been in this same job for 18 years, over 25 years in this industry and I have never dealt with someone like her before.   Immediately things became difficult.  She is so defensive.  It is impossible to talk to her.

Unfortunately I have to deal with her. This is a small place and I do everything, it is hard to avoid her. The world of brokers and traders are full of big egos that expect others to cater to their every whim.  For the past 25 years I have been able to navigate this world without losing my mind.  I did take 1 year off after my first 6 years in the industry.

“Nobody can hurt me without my permission.”  -― Mahatma Gandhi

I am trying to exercise compassion towards her. I am failing.

I have been able to put brokers in their place and have them follow the rules.  Not anymore.  Now that there are more rules to be followed they all feel like they can disregard what I say. I have asked the owner of the firm to intervene and laid down the law but he has done nothing.  I think he has gotten used to me handling it all that he thought this too would pass or that I would calm down. It hasn’t and I haven’t.  There are days I get so angry that I feel I am close to having a stroke

Perhaps I am also burned out.  I need a change.  I need a break.  I am going to get a little break now.  I am leaving for Brazil on Friday for 10 days.  Will 10 days be enough to renew and love my job again?

“Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. 
…live in the question.”  – ― Rainer Maria Rilke

I have mentioned to some of the other partners that I am done.  That it is just a matter of when I am leaving, but they promise that there will be changes by the time I return.  I doubt it, and I wondered if, even if there are changes, if it is not a little too late.  The owner is not here at the moment but called to see if I was okay – he probably heard my threat of quitting.  I didn’t really wanted to talk to him at the moment so I just said yes and got off the phone as quick as I could.  If I started telling him how I felt I would cry, and I promised myself that I if I ever cried at work again I would quit.

Before he left on his vacation he said he would fire her.  I am sure it was just a bluff, as he knew the other partners, me included, would stop him.  I would never want anyone fired because of me. Ever!

If were not for thinking of my parents I would walk out now, but I do consider the future.  I don’t want to make hasty decisions.  I enjoy the fact that I can provide them with anything they want. I don’t live paycheck to paycheck.  If I quit I have the luxury of not working for awhile but what about later on.  Am I going to regret it?  I am a partner here, what if all of a sudden we start making real money, or we get bought by a larger company?  So many “what ifs” going around in my mind.

“Top 15 Things Money Can’t Buy
Time. Happiness. Inner Peace. Integrity. Love. Character. Manners. Health. Respect. Morals. Trust. Patience. Class. Common sense. Dignity.” – ― Roy T. Bennett

Perhaps this woman just came into the picture to illustrate that I need a change. Perhaps she is the tragedy before the miracle.

I am sending the Universe my intentions of a change, of doing something else.  Money is good, but it is not everything, and I am not getting any younger.  What would I rather be doing?

I want to be a ski bunny in some snowy mountain somewhere.  A 52 year old ski bunny with a hip problem that doesn’t even know how to ski well – picture that if you can!

Thank you for letting me vent.  I am enormously grateful for you, my friend of many years, that puts up with my typos and run on sentences. You are priceless and even included in my prayers – that is how special you are!

I wish everyone a beautiful and blessed Thanksgiving!  I hope you are surrounded by love and things you love.  I hope that you are with family and friends, but even if are alone that you don’t feel alone, that you bask in the love and light.

“We can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorns have roses.” – ― Alphonse Karr

I am immensely  grateful for everything. I am grateful above all for my family and my faith in God.  I am grateful for this job, yes this job that I want to quit, that affords me the life I have.  I am grateful for having options.  I am grateful for friends.  I am grateful for life. I am grateful for hope.

I am grateful that I can help others.  This week I bought coffee/lunch for 3 people 2 different times each.  I helped a guy at the grocery store buy the juice he was leaving behind because he didn’t have enough money.  I pray that God puts in my way people for me to help.  And that is another reason I am grateful for this job that pays me well.

I am sorry for this long winded, full of typos post.

“Be still and the storm will cease” – my friend Anthony wrote me that.  Those few words calmed my heart. I stopped, took a breath and felt the anger and anxiety leave my body.

“You are the sky. Everything else – it’s just the weather.” – ― Pema Chödrön

More love, less hate

12 Monday Nov 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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“When they go low, we go high.”  – ― Michelle Obama

I received a hate comment last week on my last post.  Actually not only a hate comment but this person wrote a whole post on his blog dedicated to calling me names.  He called me bitch and man-hater among other things.

He said I wouldn’t have the balls to print what he said and comment on it.  While I have more guts in my pinkie finger than he has in his whole body I choose not to reveal his comment and blog and therefore give him any acknowledgment.

But I am choosing to write about it here.  This is is my blog.  This is my space.  I invite everyone to be honest when commenting and to feel free to say whatever they think.  But I expect everything to be done with respect.  Hate is not tolerated!

While my blog is anonymous I do not use the anonymity to spread hatred. I use it to give me the freedom to express myself without exposing my personal life.  While I don’t expect everyone to agree with me, I expect the disagreements to be done with respect.

I don’t hold the key to the truth. I hold the key to my feelings and I try to be as transparent as I can with them while not tearing anyone down in the process.  If someone takes offense to anything I say I am sincerely sorry about that.  My intention is never to offend or hurt.  I would invite this person to reflect upon the reason why they felt offended by the words of a stranger.  I also invite healthy conversation about any disagreement.

This is a moment in the US, and perhaps in the world where people think it is okay to attack each other and spread hate whenever they disagree with anything.  I am not going to be a part of it.  I choose to spread love whenever I can, and if I can’t spread love I choose to shut up.

“Some people have a way with words, and other people…oh, uh, not have way.”  ― Steve Martin

To anyone that let other’s words affect their day and their mood I say: don’t let it. Don’t give any mean spirited person power over you.

Here are my bullet point advices, if I can so boldly offer them.

  • Don’t take anything personally.  I am glad that I have read the book “The Four Agreements” long ago and have learned not to take things personally.  Well, I am still learning but the more I do it the better I get.
  • Consider the source.   I listen to people I respect.  I listen to people that are my friends.  I listen to people that present their disagreements with respect. If someone that doesn’t know me decides to offend, that has no room in life. Criticism is okay, disrespect not.
  • Disagree with other respectfully.  When disagreeing with someone choose respect.  Do not use your words to cause pain, use words to bring clarity. We all know how to hurt each other if we want, but how about we choose love instead.
  • Am I being respectful with my writing?  Will my words hurt unnecessarily?  Do I need to offend to get my point across?  Can I express myself differently?
  • Words are powerful! Use yours, spoken and written, as weapons for peace whenever you can.  You can be powerful without putting anyone down.  Speak less, listen more.  Perhaps sometimes we need to read more and write less.
  • Do not engage hate!  Just leave.  Leave the conversation, leave the situation, before it gets to point of regret.
  • Do not react and over-react.  Take a breather, give it time and space before you address any situation that made you angry.  It is amazing how time has a way of making us see things clearly.

To this person I wish him peace.  I hope that he dedicates more time in the spreading of the good.  I hope he looks inward and reflects before assuming the worst in people.  I don’t assume the worst in him.  He is clearly hurting.  To him I wish healing and peace.  May you find power in love!

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Weekly Update: Date, stress, Sauna

06 Tuesday Nov 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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I finally had the date with P.  He was a handsome guy, but no chemistry.  He wants a second date but I don’t think there is any reason for it, even though I didn’t say no.

He missed the chance of making a good first impression but going ahead and getting his coffee and quiche before I got to the coffee shop.  I got there only a few minutes after him.  When I sat down he was drinking a espresso and said: ” I was hungry and ordered a quiche”.  There was no question or offer to get me anything.  I think that is rude and in bad taste.  It tells me he is either cheap or clueless.  If he is so cheap that he doesn’t want to buy me a cup of coffee on the first date I hate to think how it will be if we ever start a relationship.  If he is just clueless on how to treat a lady, I don’t think I have the energy and time to retrain a 55 year old man.

There was also some difference of opinions that I think it would become more apparent if we were to embark on a relationship.  I am a believer of things I cannot see (God, angels, etc).  He believes in only things that can be seen and proven.  There is nothing wrong with his beliefs, but I think it could cause problems in the future.

There were also additional things that I didn’t care about.   I am not sure if it is just me being picky or really some things are red flags and I should be aware of them.

“[Marriage] happens as with cages: the birds without despair to get in, and those within despair of getting out.” ― Michel de Montaigne

***

The issue with my tenant continues. I realize that to some people conflicts such as this would barely register but I get extremely anxious about any situation in limbo.  He told me he didn’t decide yet if he is moving out or not but he also is not returning to the apartment until the people next door moves.

This being in limbo makes me nuts.  Leave or stay but make a decision.  I said to him not matter his decision he has to pay the rent.  I got a bit annoyed at his audacity of thinking he can do whatever he wants with no regards to me.  Also accusing me of not doing something about a situation that I have no control of it is offensive to me since I have done all I could, always.

I am not cut out to be a landlord.

“In dwelling, live close to the ground. In thinking, keep to the simple. In conflict, be fair and generous. In governing, don’t try to control. In work, do what you enjoy. In family life, be completely present.” -― Lao Tzu

***

Works keeps surprising me with new challenges. I guess it is only fitting since I remember complaining that my job held no challenges.

Now I found out that if we have a Russian customer or a customer with Russian ties they have only 14 days to pay from the date of the invoice.  No one pays within 14 days in our industry.  We are lucky to get paid within 30 days.  Our bank flagged the payment and returned the money to the customer.  We have been told that any payments from them will be flagged if we try to collect this invoice again.

It is safe to say that we are staying away from Russians now.  We are also following closely the OFAC list of sanctions.

Then there are NFA’s and FinCEN’s regulations that make me require more information of new customers.  The customers are not happy with me. All these regulations are making me crazy.

“Challenge and adversity are meant to help you know who you are. Storms hit your weakness, but unlock your true strength.” ― Roy T. Bennett

***

On Sunday I went to the sauna and gym again with my friend.  Afterwards we went to a vegan restaurant.  It was okay, not really my cup of tea.

At the gym I need to be very careful not to overdo with the weights.  I have very strong legs and I like to do very heavy weights, but I realize I am just beginning and I also have hip and back issues.

The feeling of doing something healthy for my body is great.  This feeling of power travels to all areas of my life.

Stay tune for Miss Invincible!  She is returning!

“Who then is invincible? The one who cannot be upset by anything outside their reasoned choice.”  – ― Epictetus

 

 

 

No date, Brazilian Trump, stress galore and gym time

30 Tuesday Oct 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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Dating or the lack of it – Unfortunately no update on the date with P. because a date didn’t happen yet. He had to cancel once and I cancelled twice.  We both had work issues.  We both don’t seem motivated to make this date happen.  I am not motivated to go on a dates in general lately.

If it happens I will definitely post about it.

“Life is short. Focus on what really matters most. You have to change your priorities over time.” ― Roy T. Bennett

Stress, Stress, Stress –The amount of craziness and stress I had on Friday and Saturday was insane. I credit God for giving me the strength to not lose it.

Equipment broke at work and because the boss is out sick was up to me to make decisions and deal with that area. Dealing with tech and such can be a nightmare.  Since then one thing keeps breaking after another.

My tenant was calling me the whole day on Saturday while I was at work tending to the equipment emergencies.  Finally at the end of the day he tells me he is not staying and I should be receiving a letter from his attorney.  He had been complained of noise and fighting in the apartment next door.  I have no control of that and since he doesn’t have a contract he can move out at any time after giving me a 30 day notice.  So I am not sure what his attorney has to write me about so I sit on pins and needles until I get said letter.

Not everything is a lawsuit!  Unfortunately a lot people don’t think that way.

I can hardly wait for him to be out so I can put this apartment up for sale.  It would make more sense financially to rent it out and keep it awhile longer but I don’t have the time and energy to be a landlord. My peace of mind is priceless.

I also know that all is for the best and for my betterment.  Everything is a lesson.  Everyone is a teacher.

“I promise you nothing is as chaotic as it seems. Nothing is worth diminishing your health. Nothing is worth poisoning yourself into stress, anxiety, and fear.” ― Steve Maraboli

Brazilian Trump – Now in Brazil, in keeping with modeling ourselves on the US we have elected the Brazilian Trump.  His name is Jair Bolsonaro.  I hope to God that he is blessed with good advisors. I pray that he honors love, equality and the well-being of every Brazilian, but so far what I have heard of him is scary.

Similar to the US, I do understand why people voted for such a person.  They wanted a change.  They are tired of the crime and corruption and wanted a change.  Well, at least I hope that that is the reason and not that, deep down inside, they are all haters.  I hope and pray that things will not become as polarized in Brazil as they are now in the US.

It does seem that Trump’s reach has no boundaries.  He seems to be influencing the entire world to be more selfish and mean towards each other.

Unfortunately from the 2 main candidates that were left after the Primaries it was a lose-lose situation. Stay with the devil we know or choose a new one, perhaps much worse?

“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.” – Leo Tolstoy

Sauna, Gym and Dinner – On Sunday I agreed to go to the gym with my friend. I had canceled a couple of times so even though gym was the last thing I wanted to do I felt I had to.  Plus he sandwiched it between a sauna session and dinner, so the idea was more attractive.

We spend 50 minutes in 144 degrees.  I only started sweating a little bit in the end.  For some reason it takes a lot for me to sweat.

This sauna brought to the surface all kinds of feelings.  When I lived with Ex we had a sauna in the bedroom that was exactly like the one I was in on Sunday.  For a second it was like I was back in 2010 sitting next to Ex.

Yes, I missed that time for a second.  No, I don’t want it back.

After the sauna we went to Planet Fitness and did some weight training for over an hour.  It is amazing how I just fell back in love with weight lifting in a second.  Of course I overdid on the weights and today I can’t barely walk.   Call me crazy but I love the pain of feeling I got a good workout.

After showering we went to a Mexican Restaurant called Tequila Sunrise.  I had passion fruit mojito and he had water.  I had steak fajita and he had vegetables.  He is really into being healthy, even more so lately.  I am into more moderation always and treating myself often.

It is interesting how from dating him a few times years ago we have just become great friends.  I know I have kissed him in the past, but I decided that it is not worth doing it anymore.  Next time he tries I am turning him down.  Being friends is so much better.  I don’t want to date him anymore.  I did back in 2015 when we dated, but after he was a bit evasive I realized he was not that interested. In turn I lost interest.

I do treasure his friendship and I am glad that he pushed me to join the gym.


“Make improvements, not excuses. Seek respect, not attention.” ― Roy T. Bennett

I can’t find a good excuse

24 Wednesday Oct 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

≈ 15 Comments

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“I can’t, my Mom is in town visiting”

For the past 4 weeks that has been my excuse for everything.

  • I couldn’t go on dates
  • I couldn’t join a gym
  • I couldn’t meet up with friends
  • I couldn’t organize my closet
  • I couldn’t get a mammography
  • I couldn’t eat healthy
  • I couldn’t do anything that required any mental or physical effort

I know that using my mom and my time with my mom as an excuse is very lame.  I know that I need to be stronger than my excuses.  I was not!  I am not!

I can certainly do things while my mother is in town (I did go on that 1 date with the attorney) but I always feel guilty for taking the time away from her. I need to find that elusive balance in life.

“The secret of happiness, you see, is not found in seeking more, but in developing the capacity to enjoy less.”  – ― Socrates

Now I find myself looking for some other excuse no to go out and get all of those things done.

I can say that:

  • I am going to Brazil next month again (one has tickets to buy, bags to pack)
  • I am back to staying late at work (when Mom was here I was leaving at 2pm every day – that was sweet)
  • I  still haven’t got my hip issues sorted out
  • Thanksgiving is around the corner
  • and so is Christmas and New Years
  • the dog ate my homework.  oops, I don’t have a dog or homework.

“Only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone” –― Pablo Picasso

But it is not all that bad:

  • The date is scheduled for tomorrow night, Thursday.  I am not excited about it but I need to go through with it.  This person has been waiting for a long time. Reminding myself to be open minded and not already predict doom.
  • I joined Planet Fitness yesterday.  I had promised my doctor friend that I would be his workout buddy.  Tomorrow night if the date ends early I am meeting him at the gym.  Drinks to follow. It is good to have rewards.
  • I have already started organizing my closet and taking the summer stuff out and replacing with the winter ones.  I haven’t worn half of my summer stuff.  I am not sure if that says I have too much stuff or that I am just too lazy and use the same thing every day.  Time to own less and be more creative.
  • Mammography scheduled for next week.  Can’t forget the girls.
  • Eating healthier is slowly starting again.  I really don’t eat that unhealthy but I have a tendency to overindulge in carbs and sugar.  I need to keep that in check.  This  daily brownie is becoming a habit hard to break. Moderation is key.

“The secret of change is to focus all your energy not on fighting the old, but on building the new.”  ― Dan Millman