Category Archives: Finding Me

Anything related to the discovery of the inner me

Grateful for all, the good and the not so great!

21 Wednesday Nov 2018

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“Let gratitude be the pillow upon which you kneel to say your nightly prayer. And let faith be the bridge you build to overcome evil and welcome good.”  – ― Maya Angelou

This post was intended to be about Thanksgiving and gratitude but I am going to be selfish and ungrateful for a moment.  Please indulge my bellyaching.  Sometimes it feels that if I don’t talk about something my head will explode.   There are so many people out there with real issues.  But when all I want to do is cry I need to let it out.

I have never been so close to quitting my job as I am right at this moment. I normally make rash decisions just following my gut, but this time I need to really think about it.

The stick that is threatening to break the camel’s back is a new broker that has been hired in my office.  In the first few days she just seemed quirky, now I realize she is impossible to deal with.  I have been in this same job for 18 years, over 25 years in this industry and I have never dealt with someone like her before.   Immediately things became difficult.  She is so defensive.  It is impossible to talk to her.

Unfortunately I have to deal with her. This is a small place and I do everything, it is hard to avoid her. The world of brokers and traders are full of big egos that expect others to cater to their every whim.  For the past 25 years I have been able to navigate this world without losing my mind.  I did take 1 year off after my first 6 years in the industry.

“Nobody can hurt me without my permission.”  -― Mahatma Gandhi

I am trying to exercise compassion towards her. I am failing.

I have been able to put brokers in their place and have them follow the rules.  Not anymore.  Now that there are more rules to be followed they all feel like they can disregard what I say. I have asked the owner of the firm to intervene and laid down the law but he has done nothing.  I think he has gotten used to me handling it all that he thought this too would pass or that I would calm down. It hasn’t and I haven’t.  There are days I get so angry that I feel I am close to having a stroke

Perhaps I am also burned out.  I need a change.  I need a break.  I am going to get a little break now.  I am leaving for Brazil on Friday for 10 days.  Will 10 days be enough to renew and love my job again?

“Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. 
…live in the question.”  – ― Rainer Maria Rilke

I have mentioned to some of the other partners that I am done.  That it is just a matter of when I am leaving, but they promise that there will be changes by the time I return.  I doubt it, and I wondered if, even if there are changes, if it is not a little too late.  The owner is not here at the moment but called to see if I was okay – he probably heard my threat of quitting.  I didn’t really wanted to talk to him at the moment so I just said yes and got off the phone as quick as I could.  If I started telling him how I felt I would cry, and I promised myself that I if I ever cried at work again I would quit.

Before he left on his vacation he said he would fire her.  I am sure it was just a bluff, as he knew the other partners, me included, would stop him.  I would never want anyone fired because of me. Ever!

If were not for thinking of my parents I would walk out now, but I do consider the future.  I don’t want to make hasty decisions.  I enjoy the fact that I can provide them with anything they want. I don’t live paycheck to paycheck.  If I quit I have the luxury of not working for awhile but what about later on.  Am I going to regret it?  I am a partner here, what if all of a sudden we start making real money, or we get bought by a larger company?  So many “what ifs” going around in my mind.

“Top 15 Things Money Can’t Buy
Time. Happiness. Inner Peace. Integrity. Love. Character. Manners. Health. Respect. Morals. Trust. Patience. Class. Common sense. Dignity.” – ― Roy T. Bennett

Perhaps this woman just came into the picture to illustrate that I need a change. Perhaps she is the tragedy before the miracle.

I am sending the Universe my intentions of a change, of doing something else.  Money is good, but it is not everything, and I am not getting any younger.  What would I rather be doing?

I want to be a ski bunny in some snowy mountain somewhere.  A 52 year old ski bunny with a hip problem that doesn’t even know how to ski well – picture that if you can!

Thank you for letting me vent.  I am enormously grateful for you, my friend of many years, that puts up with my typos and run on sentences. You are priceless and even included in my prayers – that is how special you are!

I wish everyone a beautiful and blessed Thanksgiving!  I hope you are surrounded by love and things you love.  I hope that you are with family and friends, but even if are alone that you don’t feel alone, that you bask in the love and light.

“We can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorns have roses.” – ― Alphonse Karr

I am immensely  grateful for everything. I am grateful above all for my family and my faith in God.  I am grateful for this job, yes this job that I want to quit, that affords me the life I have.  I am grateful for having options.  I am grateful for friends.  I am grateful for life. I am grateful for hope.

I am grateful that I can help others.  This week I bought coffee/lunch for 3 people 2 different times each.  I helped a guy at the grocery store buy the juice he was leaving behind because he didn’t have enough money.  I pray that God puts in my way people for me to help.  And that is another reason I am grateful for this job that pays me well.

I am sorry for this long winded, full of typos post.

“Be still and the storm will cease” – my friend Anthony wrote me that.  Those few words calmed my heart. I stopped, took a breath and felt the anger and anxiety leave my body.

“You are the sky. Everything else – it’s just the weather.” – ― Pema Chödrön

More love, less hate

12 Monday Nov 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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“When they go low, we go high.”  – ― Michelle Obama

I received a hate comment last week on my last post.  Actually not only a hate comment but this person wrote a whole post on his blog dedicated to calling me names.  He called me bitch and man-hater among other things.

He said I wouldn’t have the balls to print what he said and comment on it.  While I have more guts in my pinkie finger than he has in his whole body I choose not to reveal his comment and blog and therefore give him any acknowledgment.

But I am choosing to write about it here.  This is is my blog.  This is my space.  I invite everyone to be honest when commenting and to feel free to say whatever they think.  But I expect everything to be done with respect.  Hate is not tolerated!

While my blog is anonymous I do not use the anonymity to spread hatred. I use it to give me the freedom to express myself without exposing my personal life.  While I don’t expect everyone to agree with me, I expect the disagreements to be done with respect.

I don’t hold the key to the truth. I hold the key to my feelings and I try to be as transparent as I can with them while not tearing anyone down in the process.  If someone takes offense to anything I say I am sincerely sorry about that.  My intention is never to offend or hurt.  I would invite this person to reflect upon the reason why they felt offended by the words of a stranger.  I also invite healthy conversation about any disagreement.

This is a moment in the US, and perhaps in the world where people think it is okay to attack each other and spread hate whenever they disagree with anything.  I am not going to be a part of it.  I choose to spread love whenever I can, and if I can’t spread love I choose to shut up.

“Some people have a way with words, and other people…oh, uh, not have way.”  ― Steve Martin

To anyone that let other’s words affect their day and their mood I say: don’t let it. Don’t give any mean spirited person power over you.

Here are my bullet point advices, if I can so boldly offer them.

  • Don’t take anything personally.  I am glad that I have read the book “The Four Agreements” long ago and have learned not to take things personally.  Well, I am still learning but the more I do it the better I get.
  • Consider the source.   I listen to people I respect.  I listen to people that are my friends.  I listen to people that present their disagreements with respect. If someone that doesn’t know me decides to offend, that has no room in life. Criticism is okay, disrespect not.
  • Disagree with other respectfully.  When disagreeing with someone choose respect.  Do not use your words to cause pain, use words to bring clarity. We all know how to hurt each other if we want, but how about we choose love instead.
  • Am I being respectful with my writing?  Will my words hurt unnecessarily?  Do I need to offend to get my point across?  Can I express myself differently?
  • Words are powerful! Use yours, spoken and written, as weapons for peace whenever you can.  You can be powerful without putting anyone down.  Speak less, listen more.  Perhaps sometimes we need to read more and write less.
  • Do not engage hate!  Just leave.  Leave the conversation, leave the situation, before it gets to point of regret.
  • Do not react and over-react.  Take a breather, give it time and space before you address any situation that made you angry.  It is amazing how time has a way of making us see things clearly.

To this person I wish him peace.  I hope that he dedicates more time in the spreading of the good.  I hope he looks inward and reflects before assuming the worst in people.  I don’t assume the worst in him.  He is clearly hurting.  To him I wish healing and peace.  May you find power in love!

Image result for warren buffett quotes suffer

 

 

Weekly Update: Date, stress, Sauna

06 Tuesday Nov 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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I finally had the date with P.  He was a handsome guy, but no chemistry.  He wants a second date but I don’t think there is any reason for it, even though I didn’t say no.

He missed the chance of making a good first impression but going ahead and getting his coffee and quiche before I got to the coffee shop.  I got there only a few minutes after him.  When I sat down he was drinking a espresso and said: ” I was hungry and ordered a quiche”.  There was no question or offer to get me anything.  I think that is rude and in bad taste.  It tells me he is either cheap or clueless.  If he is so cheap that he doesn’t want to buy me a cup of coffee on the first date I hate to think how it will be if we ever start a relationship.  If he is just clueless on how to treat a lady, I don’t think I have the energy and time to retrain a 55 year old man.

There was also some difference of opinions that I think it would become more apparent if we were to embark on a relationship.  I am a believer of things I cannot see (God, angels, etc).  He believes in only things that can be seen and proven.  There is nothing wrong with his beliefs, but I think it could cause problems in the future.

There were also additional things that I didn’t care about.   I am not sure if it is just me being picky or really some things are red flags and I should be aware of them.

“[Marriage] happens as with cages: the birds without despair to get in, and those within despair of getting out.” ― Michel de Montaigne

***

The issue with my tenant continues. I realize that to some people conflicts such as this would barely register but I get extremely anxious about any situation in limbo.  He told me he didn’t decide yet if he is moving out or not but he also is not returning to the apartment until the people next door moves.

This being in limbo makes me nuts.  Leave or stay but make a decision.  I said to him not matter his decision he has to pay the rent.  I got a bit annoyed at his audacity of thinking he can do whatever he wants with no regards to me.  Also accusing me of not doing something about a situation that I have no control of it is offensive to me since I have done all I could, always.

I am not cut out to be a landlord.

“In dwelling, live close to the ground. In thinking, keep to the simple. In conflict, be fair and generous. In governing, don’t try to control. In work, do what you enjoy. In family life, be completely present.” -― Lao Tzu

***

Works keeps surprising me with new challenges. I guess it is only fitting since I remember complaining that my job held no challenges.

Now I found out that if we have a Russian customer or a customer with Russian ties they have only 14 days to pay from the date of the invoice.  No one pays within 14 days in our industry.  We are lucky to get paid within 30 days.  Our bank flagged the payment and returned the money to the customer.  We have been told that any payments from them will be flagged if we try to collect this invoice again.

It is safe to say that we are staying away from Russians now.  We are also following closely the OFAC list of sanctions.

Then there are NFA’s and FinCEN’s regulations that make me require more information of new customers.  The customers are not happy with me. All these regulations are making me crazy.

“Challenge and adversity are meant to help you know who you are. Storms hit your weakness, but unlock your true strength.” ― Roy T. Bennett

***

On Sunday I went to the sauna and gym again with my friend.  Afterwards we went to a vegan restaurant.  It was okay, not really my cup of tea.

At the gym I need to be very careful not to overdo with the weights.  I have very strong legs and I like to do very heavy weights, but I realize I am just beginning and I also have hip and back issues.

The feeling of doing something healthy for my body is great.  This feeling of power travels to all areas of my life.

Stay tune for Miss Invincible!  She is returning!

“Who then is invincible? The one who cannot be upset by anything outside their reasoned choice.”  – ― Epictetus

 

 

 

No date, Brazilian Trump, stress galore and gym time

30 Tuesday Oct 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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Dating or the lack of it – Unfortunately no update on the date with P. because a date didn’t happen yet. He had to cancel once and I cancelled twice.  We both had work issues.  We both don’t seem motivated to make this date happen.  I am not motivated to go on a dates in general lately.

If it happens I will definitely post about it.

“Life is short. Focus on what really matters most. You have to change your priorities over time.” ― Roy T. Bennett

Stress, Stress, Stress –The amount of craziness and stress I had on Friday and Saturday was insane. I credit God for giving me the strength to not lose it.

Equipment broke at work and because the boss is out sick was up to me to make decisions and deal with that area. Dealing with tech and such can be a nightmare.  Since then one thing keeps breaking after another.

My tenant was calling me the whole day on Saturday while I was at work tending to the equipment emergencies.  Finally at the end of the day he tells me he is not staying and I should be receiving a letter from his attorney.  He had been complained of noise and fighting in the apartment next door.  I have no control of that and since he doesn’t have a contract he can move out at any time after giving me a 30 day notice.  So I am not sure what his attorney has to write me about so I sit on pins and needles until I get said letter.

Not everything is a lawsuit!  Unfortunately a lot people don’t think that way.

I can hardly wait for him to be out so I can put this apartment up for sale.  It would make more sense financially to rent it out and keep it awhile longer but I don’t have the time and energy to be a landlord. My peace of mind is priceless.

I also know that all is for the best and for my betterment.  Everything is a lesson.  Everyone is a teacher.

“I promise you nothing is as chaotic as it seems. Nothing is worth diminishing your health. Nothing is worth poisoning yourself into stress, anxiety, and fear.” ― Steve Maraboli

Brazilian Trump – Now in Brazil, in keeping with modeling ourselves on the US we have elected the Brazilian Trump.  His name is Jair Bolsonaro.  I hope to God that he is blessed with good advisors. I pray that he honors love, equality and the well-being of every Brazilian, but so far what I have heard of him is scary.

Similar to the US, I do understand why people voted for such a person.  They wanted a change.  They are tired of the crime and corruption and wanted a change.  Well, at least I hope that that is the reason and not that, deep down inside, they are all haters.  I hope and pray that things will not become as polarized in Brazil as they are now in the US.

It does seem that Trump’s reach has no boundaries.  He seems to be influencing the entire world to be more selfish and mean towards each other.

Unfortunately from the 2 main candidates that were left after the Primaries it was a lose-lose situation. Stay with the devil we know or choose a new one, perhaps much worse?

“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.” – Leo Tolstoy

Sauna, Gym and Dinner – On Sunday I agreed to go to the gym with my friend. I had canceled a couple of times so even though gym was the last thing I wanted to do I felt I had to.  Plus he sandwiched it between a sauna session and dinner, so the idea was more attractive.

We spend 50 minutes in 144 degrees.  I only started sweating a little bit in the end.  For some reason it takes a lot for me to sweat.

This sauna brought to the surface all kinds of feelings.  When I lived with Ex we had a sauna in the bedroom that was exactly like the one I was in on Sunday.  For a second it was like I was back in 2010 sitting next to Ex.

Yes, I missed that time for a second.  No, I don’t want it back.

After the sauna we went to Planet Fitness and did some weight training for over an hour.  It is amazing how I just fell back in love with weight lifting in a second.  Of course I overdid on the weights and today I can’t barely walk.   Call me crazy but I love the pain of feeling I got a good workout.

After showering we went to a Mexican Restaurant called Tequila Sunrise.  I had passion fruit mojito and he had water.  I had steak fajita and he had vegetables.  He is really into being healthy, even more so lately.  I am into more moderation always and treating myself often.

It is interesting how from dating him a few times years ago we have just become great friends.  I know I have kissed him in the past, but I decided that it is not worth doing it anymore.  Next time he tries I am turning him down.  Being friends is so much better.  I don’t want to date him anymore.  I did back in 2015 when we dated, but after he was a bit evasive I realized he was not that interested. In turn I lost interest.

I do treasure his friendship and I am glad that he pushed me to join the gym.


“Make improvements, not excuses. Seek respect, not attention.” ― Roy T. Bennett

I can’t find a good excuse

24 Wednesday Oct 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“I can’t, my Mom is in town visiting”

For the past 4 weeks that has been my excuse for everything.

  • I couldn’t go on dates
  • I couldn’t join a gym
  • I couldn’t meet up with friends
  • I couldn’t organize my closet
  • I couldn’t get a mammography
  • I couldn’t eat healthy
  • I couldn’t do anything that required any mental or physical effort

I know that using my mom and my time with my mom as an excuse is very lame.  I know that I need to be stronger than my excuses.  I was not!  I am not!

I can certainly do things while my mother is in town (I did go on that 1 date with the attorney) but I always feel guilty for taking the time away from her. I need to find that elusive balance in life.

“The secret of happiness, you see, is not found in seeking more, but in developing the capacity to enjoy less.”  – ― Socrates

Now I find myself looking for some other excuse no to go out and get all of those things done.

I can say that:

  • I am going to Brazil next month again (one has tickets to buy, bags to pack)
  • I am back to staying late at work (when Mom was here I was leaving at 2pm every day – that was sweet)
  • I  still haven’t got my hip issues sorted out
  • Thanksgiving is around the corner
  • and so is Christmas and New Years
  • the dog ate my homework.  oops, I don’t have a dog or homework.

“Only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone” –― Pablo Picasso

But it is not all that bad:

  • The date is scheduled for tomorrow night, Thursday.  I am not excited about it but I need to go through with it.  This person has been waiting for a long time. Reminding myself to be open minded and not already predict doom.
  • I joined Planet Fitness yesterday.  I had promised my doctor friend that I would be his workout buddy.  Tomorrow night if the date ends early I am meeting him at the gym.  Drinks to follow. It is good to have rewards.
  • I have already started organizing my closet and taking the summer stuff out and replacing with the winter ones.  I haven’t worn half of my summer stuff.  I am not sure if that says I have too much stuff or that I am just too lazy and use the same thing every day.  Time to own less and be more creative.
  • Mammography scheduled for next week.  Can’t forget the girls.
  • Eating healthier is slowly starting again.  I really don’t eat that unhealthy but I have a tendency to overindulge in carbs and sugar.  I need to keep that in check.  This  daily brownie is becoming a habit hard to break. Moderation is key.

“The secret of change is to focus all your energy not on fighting the old, but on building the new.”  ― Dan Millman

 

 

 

Another day, another dollar

15 Monday Oct 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“Lack of direction, not lack of time, is the problem. We all have twenty-four hour days.” ― Zig Ziglar

Hip Issues:  I went to a hip specialist.  Looking at the X-ray he said that things didn’t look too bad but he needed a MRI to check things further.  I think he was a bit disappointed that it was not something serious that required surgery.  This doctor is very involved in new technology and surgery.

He said I have arthritis on my lower back but nothing too worrisome.  Because of insurance issues I am choosing to postpone the MRI until the beginning of next year.  In the meantime I will be making more of an effort to lose the extra weight I have gained in the last few months.  Any extra weight adds to the pain and discomfort.

“The chief cause of failure and unhappiness is trading what you want most for what you want right now” ― Zig Ziglar

Date with the writer/attorney: On Thursday afternoon I went to his apartment.  He is selling his apartment so I was curious to see what over 2 Million dollars would get me in Downtown New York City.  He gave me a tour, showed me pictures and talked about the adventures of his youth. 

It is a cute apartment and the best feature is the patio and the car spot.  An apartment with a spot to park a car in New York City is unheard of.  It comes with a $2,800.00 condominium maintenance fee.  That is more than my mortgage, condo fee, taxes and insurance combined. I will not be buying an apartment in NY City any time soon.

He gave up the idea of running for Congress and will now dedicate his time to writing. Not having to work for money he can do whatever he fancies.  I can see the fun in that.

We then went to a French Restaurant called Bar 6. It was an early dinner and I was not that hungry so I just got a grilled cheese and fries.  It was good food  Then he called an Uber to take me to Grand Central station. While the date was nice I still didn’t feel any sparks and I don’t think it will appear no matter how many times I see him.  We may just become friends.

“If you go out looking for friends, you’re going to find they are very scarce. If you go out to be a friend, you’ll find them everywhere.”  – ― Zig Ziglar

Work: It has been challenging dealing with a new employee that is bringing a whole new set of issues.  I am trying to see it as a growing experience.  New employee, new product we will be brokering, new customers, new compliance issues.  I can see the headaches to come… and also the opportunities.

“Ability can take you to the top, but it takes character to keep you there” -― Zig Ziglar
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Family:  I am so blessed to have a loving family.  I am blessed to still have my parents alive and well. Thinking of that makes me smile and be happy.  I have been really devoted to be with my mother while she is visiting.  I have been taking the train to work at 5:45am and leaving work at 2pm so I am home early to be with her while my sister goes to her job at the restaurant.  I love this schedule, but after Mom leaves I have to go back to leaving after 4pm.
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“The more you are grateful for what you have the more you will have to be grateful for” – Zig Ziglar
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Dating: It has taken a back seat.  I am speaking to one guy that I will meet after my Mom leaves, but that is it.  I haven’t found the motivation to actively be online.  I am sure I will go back to it, but for now I am okay with this break.

“Make today worth remembering.” – Zig Ziglar

 

Busy living

05 Friday Oct 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“It is not enough to be busy; so are the ants. The question is: What are we busy about?” ― Henry David Thoreau

I am sorry my dear friends for my silence.  It was the usual busyness of life getting in the way of the fun stuff.  I promised to be more present .

I arrived from Brazil on Sunday.  It was an exhausting trip.  I had 4 dental visits and worked on some chores at my mom’s house that needed attention.  I also spent time hosting friends that often stop by to visit.  I hate to say it but sometimes I just want more peace and quiet and less visitors.

I came back to NY exhausted but happy.  Happiness can take many forms.  There is beauty and happiness in being exhausted.  My body is tired but I am re-energized by results and accomplishments.  I am blessed I still have my parents so any time spent with them and helping them is well worth it.

Dating:

The chef/restaurant owner: He still sends me brownies but we haven’t gone on any more dates. He was busy, then I was busy, but the truth is neither one of us is really that interested.  My sister is still working for him so it is best not to have any entanglements anyway.

The  lawyer/writer: Before I left for Brazil we had one date at a Brazilian restaurant called Plataforma in NY.  He is a non-practicing attorney and a writer. I do love writers!  According to him he has family money so he doesn’t need to work for money.  He spends time pursuing different interests.

He is talking about running for Congress and asked if I would be supportive.  Politics?  really?  I feel like running away screaming.  Still, he was extremely nice and intelligent.  Even though I didn’t get any sparks I have agreed to meet him next Thursday for dinner.  Stay tuned.

“They refused to live in these moments right now. And they got busy in turning everything they come across, into a memory, which they could visit in the future.” ― Akshay Vasu, The Abandoned Paradise: Unraveling the beauty of untouched thoughts and dreams

Mom is in town, so the usual gambling and shopping are the plans for this weekend.

Wishing everyone an awesome weekend!  May light and blessings pave your path and permeate your days!

 

A blonde and a pig walking down the street

17 Monday Sep 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Finding Me

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“A disciplined mind leads to happiness, and an undisciplined mind leads to suffering.” – Dalai Lama XIV 

A, my friend who is a natural doctor, hadn’t been feeling well the past couple of months. He was not even up to meeting up. He is one of the healthiest and upbeat person that I know, so I was worried.  He treats his body, mind and soul extremely well. He meditates, he eats right, reads the rights books. He surrounds himself with things that promote his well-being.  I am envious of his discipline.  It is hard to hear that he is not well, so I tried to keep in touch encouraging him texting some quotes every now and then.

Finally his mood and overall well-being improved enough that we met for breakfast. It was like old times. We have the best talks ever. Long conversations about the joys and difficulties of life.

After breakfast we went to Mrs Greens. Food shopping with him is an event.  He will read every label and tell me what is good for me and why.

He mentioned being invited to a backyard party that evening but he wasn’t sure if he would go.  He asked if he decided to go if I would go with him.  Originally I said no as I thought I was going to have a date that evening.

Later when I realized that I had gotten some dates mixed up, I texted him and said that we should go.  After he agreed I got a bit apprehensive about going somewhere that I knew no one and wasn’t even invited.  I know the benefits of getting out of my shell and I also know that I can make conversation with a doorknob and have it answer me back so I knew I would be okay.

“Everyone you will ever meet knows something you don’t.” – Bill Nye

And the party was better than okay, it was a lot fun!!

It was a very small get together.  It was at the house of a renowned Broadway producer/talent scout/ among many other things.  I don’t want to mention his name or the guest’s names as I am always leery of invading someone’s privacy. His guests included a classical musician and her husband, a lawyer, a published writer, an older retired couple that I assume had theater connections and a neighbor.  There was also a bunch of young aspiring performing artists that were his interns and were helping with the party.

We ate great food and drank great wine.  I even attempted to smoke a cigar but failed miserably as I am not a smoker of anything. The writer talked about overcoming drug addiction and homelessness and becoming a writer.  I love listening to writers and also to attorneys as I am fascinated by both professions.   The attorney didn’t talk about his profession. He pretty much acted like I do when someone asks me to talk about mine… there is nothing interesting to talk about.

Soon the evening turned into a joke telling festival.  I am not sure how it got started but I told the first joke.  It was a joke about a blonde.  I am the worst at telling jokes and I only know one or two anyway.  We didn’t stay very late as my friend had to work early the next day.

There was kissing when he dropped me off at my building door.  I need to stop this business of “kissing my friend”.  I really appreciate the friendship and don’t want to mess that up.  If I had to choose between a friendship or a romantic relationship with him I would choose the friendship.

Oh well, a kiss is not the end of the world. I will close my mouth next time.

“We are who we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be.” Kurt Vonnegut

And here is the stupid joke I told:   A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks “Where did you get that?”
The pig says, “I won her in a raffle!” .

Once an illegal immigrant, always an illegal immigrant

03 Monday Sep 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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“It’s an universal law– intolerance is the first sign of an inadequate education. An ill-educated person behaves with arrogant impatience, whereas truly profound education breeds humility.” – Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn

G., who I thought would be a good friend showed me his true colors.  We were texting back and forth the other day when he made a rude comment about the fact that I was an illegal immigrant once.  I replied that his comment was not cool.

He said that he was making fun of me when I was 17 years old and first arrived in this country and not of the present successful American citizen I had become.  As if that made it okay.  Because I was able to find a law to fit in (applying as an unskilled laborer), and also because I was lucky to win the Green Lottery I am now immune to the attacks on illegal immigrants.

I said I sympathize with all the illegal immigrants and their search for a better life.  They could be me.  I was them.  Again I explained I found his remarks very insensitive.  I wanted him to see it from my point of view. It didn’t work.

He continued trying to justify his remarks by going on and on with ignorant blanket statements.  At one point he asked:  “what will happen when the free beer and chips run out?” implying that the immigrants come here only to get things for free.

That was even more insulting to me as I never took a single dime from the government for anything.  I know some illegals do use and abuse, but to generalize it is ignorance.

“Whatever the cost of our libraries, the price is cheap compared to that of an ignorant nation.” Walter Cronkite

I said to him:  “My huge tax bill pays for services and freebies for tons of lazy Americans and illegals alike.”

This is not complaining about my tax bill, I am paying a lot because I am making a lot.  I see it as a reflection of my success. I said that to him to remind him that not all immigrants are liabilities, some are incredible assets.

This is also not to say that I don’t believe in public assistance services.  They are very much needed and should be used by anyone in need. I want my tax money to help others.

I think deep down inside he resents me for being in a better financial condition than he is. He also resents me because I said I didn’t want to see him romantically again.  He found the perfect way to attack me by attacking people like me.

I said to him that I agreed that we needed an Immigration Reform and I can see both sides of the argument.  I added that I rather not talk about a subject that we clearly have opposite views on. He then called me a Liberal, I called him a Trumpster and he continued his speech.

I don’t have a problem discussing difficult subjects with people but in this case I didn’t want to waste my breath with someone that clearly was set on one way of thinking and no matter what I said wasn’t willing to listen.  He seemed intent on hurting me. Such ignorance!

The Immigration topic is not a simple one.  I can see both sides of the argument.  I choose to view it from the point of love and understanding.  We are all one under God and on this Earth.  Let’s see our fellow human as a person no matter where he comes from, no matter his color, race, sexual orientation, point of view, etc.

“All things truly wicked start from innocence.” – Ernest Hemingway

Let’s step on into each other’s shoes and imagine how it feels.  I expect more from the people that know me and know how hard I have worked to be where I am now and to have all that I have.  I expected more from him.

It shocks me that I didn’t know how he felt this whole time. It is true that I avoided speaking of Trump. It is true that I would be dying to see him, then when I was with him things wouldn’t go quite right.  There was something off.  Now, looking back, I see hints that I should have picked up on.

I really dodged a bullet.  He is not boyfriend material and he is not friend material.   I hope that he reflects on our conversation and perhaps realize how insensitive he was. Perhaps a little light bulb of sensitivity will eventually go on.

I doubt it!

Racism and nonacceptance were always here, but I blame Trump for making it okay for people to attack each other and spout misinformation.  The President is on Twitter attacking whoever he thinks doesn’t fit his idea of great America.  Why would I think the average Joe would be more considerate, more understanding?

Love is the way out.  Love is the only way.  I am choosing Love.  I am choosing to send love to G., but I am choosing not to be his friend and be subjected to his views anymore.

“There is a cult of ignorance in the United States, and there has always been. The strain of anti-intellectualism has been a constant thread winding its way through our political and cultural life, nurtured by the false notion that democracy means that ‘my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge.” – Isaac Asimov

Life is here and now!

29 Wednesday Aug 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Finding Me

≈ 35 Comments

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“Happiness is not the absence of problems, it’s the ability to deal with them.” – Steve Maraboli

There are calls to return, tenants to pacify, appointments to get to, passports to renew, tickets to buy, trips to organize, emails to write, deadlines to meet at work, and a whole host of other things to do, with new items added daily.

There is always a decision to be made  and some place I need to be.  There is always something needing my attention and a fire to put out.

With each item off of my list I feel this enormous sense of accomplishment… only to add another 2 items to it.

I think to myself:  When I am done with this and that thing then I will get to relax. When I solve this and that problem I will get to have fun and enjoy my life.

The stories I tell myself always start with “When”:

When I lose weight…

When I find the One…

When my hip gets healed…

When I get that big bonus at work…

When I learn to speak French…

What foolishness! What a bunch of lies.

I forget 1 thing:  All of this doing, going to doctors, waiting in line, returning phone calls, searching for the One, working, trying to lose weight, failing at losing weight, etc, etc… All of this busyness is LIFE!

Life is happening now, and it is beautiful.  Ralph Waldo Emerson was absolutely right when he said: “Life is a journey, not a destination”

In trying so hard to get somewhere, some invisible destination, some goal, perhaps unattainable, I lose the beauty of the moment, I lose the present.  I miss the details, I miss the simplicity.

I forget to be here Now because I am too busy being there in the Future.  I get lost in the busyness of the moment, not realizing that that very moment is a blessing.

There will always be something to do, some hurdle to jump, some obstacle to overcome.  After one deadline is met there is always another one to meet. That is how life works.

How boring it would be if there were nothing to do and if there were no challenges.  I think there is some old saying that goes something like this: “calm waters don’t make great sailors”.  I think we all strive to be great sailors in this huge ocean called life.

So here is to being more present and enjoying every moment, even if difficult.  I will remind myself that the more life throws at me the better I become.  I am on the way to invincibility.

“Life doesn’t get easier or more forgiving, we get stronger and more resilient.” – Steve Maraboli