Category Archives: Dating

I can’t find a good excuse

24 Wednesday Oct 2018

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“I can’t, my Mom is in town visiting”

For the past 4 weeks that has been my excuse for everything.

  • I couldn’t go on dates
  • I couldn’t join a gym
  • I couldn’t meet up with friends
  • I couldn’t organize my closet
  • I couldn’t get a mammography
  • I couldn’t eat healthy
  • I couldn’t do anything that required any mental or physical effort

I know that using my mom and my time with my mom as an excuse is very lame.  I know that I need to be stronger than my excuses.  I was not!  I am not!

I can certainly do things while my mother is in town (I did go on that 1 date with the attorney) but I always feel guilty for taking the time away from her. I need to find that elusive balance in life.

“The secret of happiness, you see, is not found in seeking more, but in developing the capacity to enjoy less.”  – ― Socrates

Now I find myself looking for some other excuse no to go out and get all of those things done.

I can say that:

  • I am going to Brazil next month again (one has tickets to buy, bags to pack)
  • I am back to staying late at work (when Mom was here I was leaving at 2pm every day – that was sweet)
  • I  still haven’t got my hip issues sorted out
  • Thanksgiving is around the corner
  • and so is Christmas and New Years
  • the dog ate my homework.  oops, I don’t have a dog or homework.

“Only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone” –― Pablo Picasso

But it is not all that bad:

  • The date is scheduled for tomorrow night, Thursday.  I am not excited about it but I need to go through with it.  This person has been waiting for a long time. Reminding myself to be open minded and not already predict doom.
  • I joined Planet Fitness yesterday.  I had promised my doctor friend that I would be his workout buddy.  Tomorrow night if the date ends early I am meeting him at the gym.  Drinks to follow. It is good to have rewards.
  • I have already started organizing my closet and taking the summer stuff out and replacing with the winter ones.  I haven’t worn half of my summer stuff.  I am not sure if that says I have too much stuff or that I am just too lazy and use the same thing every day.  Time to own less and be more creative.
  • Mammography scheduled for next week.  Can’t forget the girls.
  • Eating healthier is slowly starting again.  I really don’t eat that unhealthy but I have a tendency to overindulge in carbs and sugar.  I need to keep that in check.  This  daily brownie is becoming a habit hard to break. Moderation is key.

“The secret of change is to focus all your energy not on fighting the old, but on building the new.”  ― Dan Millman

 

 

 

Another day, another dollar

15 Monday Oct 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“Lack of direction, not lack of time, is the problem. We all have twenty-four hour days.” ― Zig Ziglar

Hip Issues:  I went to a hip specialist.  Looking at the X-ray he said that things didn’t look too bad but he needed a MRI to check things further.  I think he was a bit disappointed that it was not something serious that required surgery.  This doctor is very involved in new technology and surgery.

He said I have arthritis on my lower back but nothing too worrisome.  Because of insurance issues I am choosing to postpone the MRI until the beginning of next year.  In the meantime I will be making more of an effort to lose the extra weight I have gained in the last few months.  Any extra weight adds to the pain and discomfort.

“The chief cause of failure and unhappiness is trading what you want most for what you want right now” ― Zig Ziglar

Date with the writer/attorney: On Thursday afternoon I went to his apartment.  He is selling his apartment so I was curious to see what over 2 Million dollars would get me in Downtown New York City.  He gave me a tour, showed me pictures and talked about the adventures of his youth. 

It is a cute apartment and the best feature is the patio and the car spot.  An apartment with a spot to park a car in New York City is unheard of.  It comes with a $2,800.00 condominium maintenance fee.  That is more than my mortgage, condo fee, taxes and insurance combined. I will not be buying an apartment in NY City any time soon.

He gave up the idea of running for Congress and will now dedicate his time to writing. Not having to work for money he can do whatever he fancies.  I can see the fun in that.

We then went to a French Restaurant called Bar 6. It was an early dinner and I was not that hungry so I just got a grilled cheese and fries.  It was good food  Then he called an Uber to take me to Grand Central station. While the date was nice I still didn’t feel any sparks and I don’t think it will appear no matter how many times I see him.  We may just become friends.

“If you go out looking for friends, you’re going to find they are very scarce. If you go out to be a friend, you’ll find them everywhere.”  – ― Zig Ziglar

Work: It has been challenging dealing with a new employee that is bringing a whole new set of issues.  I am trying to see it as a growing experience.  New employee, new product we will be brokering, new customers, new compliance issues.  I can see the headaches to come… and also the opportunities.

“Ability can take you to the top, but it takes character to keep you there” -― Zig Ziglar
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Family:  I am so blessed to have a loving family.  I am blessed to still have my parents alive and well. Thinking of that makes me smile and be happy.  I have been really devoted to be with my mother while she is visiting.  I have been taking the train to work at 5:45am and leaving work at 2pm so I am home early to be with her while my sister goes to her job at the restaurant.  I love this schedule, but after Mom leaves I have to go back to leaving after 4pm.
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“The more you are grateful for what you have the more you will have to be grateful for” – Zig Ziglar
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Dating: It has taken a back seat.  I am speaking to one guy that I will meet after my Mom leaves, but that is it.  I haven’t found the motivation to actively be online.  I am sure I will go back to it, but for now I am okay with this break.

“Make today worth remembering.” – Zig Ziglar

 

Busy living

05 Friday Oct 2018

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“It is not enough to be busy; so are the ants. The question is: What are we busy about?” ― Henry David Thoreau

I am sorry my dear friends for my silence.  It was the usual busyness of life getting in the way of the fun stuff.  I promised to be more present .

I arrived from Brazil on Sunday.  It was an exhausting trip.  I had 4 dental visits and worked on some chores at my mom’s house that needed attention.  I also spent time hosting friends that often stop by to visit.  I hate to say it but sometimes I just want more peace and quiet and less visitors.

I came back to NY exhausted but happy.  Happiness can take many forms.  There is beauty and happiness in being exhausted.  My body is tired but I am re-energized by results and accomplishments.  I am blessed I still have my parents so any time spent with them and helping them is well worth it.

Dating:

The chef/restaurant owner: He still sends me brownies but we haven’t gone on any more dates. He was busy, then I was busy, but the truth is neither one of us is really that interested.  My sister is still working for him so it is best not to have any entanglements anyway.

The  lawyer/writer: Before I left for Brazil we had one date at a Brazilian restaurant called Plataforma in NY.  He is a non-practicing attorney and a writer. I do love writers!  According to him he has family money so he doesn’t need to work for money.  He spends time pursuing different interests.

He is talking about running for Congress and asked if I would be supportive.  Politics?  really?  I feel like running away screaming.  Still, he was extremely nice and intelligent.  Even though I didn’t get any sparks I have agreed to meet him next Thursday for dinner.  Stay tuned.

“They refused to live in these moments right now. And they got busy in turning everything they come across, into a memory, which they could visit in the future.” ― Akshay Vasu, The Abandoned Paradise: Unraveling the beauty of untouched thoughts and dreams

Mom is in town, so the usual gambling and shopping are the plans for this weekend.

Wishing everyone an awesome weekend!  May light and blessings pave your path and permeate your days!

 

Closing doors and making choices

10 Monday Sep 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files

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G. sent me the text above.

He thought I couldn’t resist it.  I did.  I will not reply. I will not fall for the silly attempts.

I let him get back into my life once, thinking that we could build a great friendship after I realized that romance was not in the cards.   Then he made those comments about immigrants.

He was insensitive and never apologized for being so.  Perhaps if he had apologized the friendship could have been saved.

Instead he continued on with his hurtful comments, making matters even worst. He seemed intent on hurting me.

Now it pains me to ignore him. It pains me to ignore anyone.  But I need to stop leaving the door open for anyone to just waltz back in and hurt me again.

I have the power over who I let into my heart and life.  I am using that power.  I am choosing sanity and good energy.

G. don’t bother knocking, the door is locked for you. Don’t try the window either!

“Attitude is a choice. Happiness is a choice. Optimism is a choice. Kindness is a choice. Giving is a choice. Respect is a choice. Whatever choice you make makes you. Choose wisely.” – Roy T. Bennett

 

3 dates and a job

07 Friday Sep 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating

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My dating life is going slow as I haven’t been devoting much time to it.  Online dating does become like a second job sometimes.

I have managed however to have 3 dates with one guy.  That in itself is astonishing since I am mostly a one date girl.

On the first date we went for a late drink at a wine bar. I had prosecco, he had a couple of different red wines, and we shared a cheese platter.  There were no fireworks but he was nice and friendly.  He asked me on a second date that night and I said yes.

During that first date I mentioned that my sister was now living with me and looking for a job.  The next day he texted me and asked if my sister wanted to work some hours at his restaurant/catering business while she is going on interviews for something in her field.  I showed my sister the text and she agreed to go meet him at the restaurant the next day. She was hired to work 3 days a week.

On the second date he cooked for me at his restaurant. He made crostini with avocado, smoked salmon and capers on top, paired with prosecco (he remembered I like it) for the appetizers.  For the entree he made flank steak (which I had mentioned I liked), spaetzle (German egg noodle) and spinach, paired with red wine.  For dessert I had a choice of brownie sundae or ice cream sandwich. By then I was so full that I just had a chocolate chip cookie.  The photos above are not that great as I took them in the kitchen and not at the table.

For the third date we had drinks at an Italian restaurant and then went to a lounge with loud dance music as it was the only thing open after 11pm.  Still we found a quiet corner and managed to be able to talk.

I am still not sure about chemistry.  He is a great guy, but also a gentleman and there hasn’t been anything other than a peck on the lips.  Until there is a kiss I cannot tell where this will go.

He has 3 kids between the ages of 10 and 14 and he is busy with them every day.  He is also very busy with the restaurant and catering, so we haven’t met each other again after those 3 dates.  For now we have a texting friendship and that suits me fine, but if we ever start a romantic relationship the lack of time would probably annoy me.

It is a tricky dynamic to mix work with romance even though I am not the one working for him.  At first I was overthinking this, then I decided to relax and go with the flow.  First, this is just a part time gig for my sister and will not last forever.  Second, I have a feeling that he and I will just become good friends and not romantic mates.

I guess the message for me with this post is to keep an open mind.  Open mind to go  a second and third date even if there are no fireworks in the first.  Open mind to think that it is okay to have my sister work for someone I just met and that I can possibly have a relationship with.  Open mind to not shut him down for his lack of time and let things develop.  Open mind to try a different route.

Wishing you all a blessed and fun weekend!

“Your assumptions are your windows on the world. Scrub them off every once in a while, or the light won’t come in.” – Isaac Asimov

 

Getting back on the horse

16 Thursday Aug 2018

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“Life appears to me too short to be spent in nursing animosity or registering wrongs.”  – Charlotte Bronte

Since the upsetting email that G sent me I thought I would never speak to him again. Then he started texting me and I didn’t have it in me to ignore him.  I replied.

We started texting every single day as we had done before.  We didn’t work out as a couple but I still think he is a good person and worth of being friends with.

I had stayed away from online dating when I thought he and I could have a future together.  Now I am back at it again.  Some may think that I didn’t really care for him if I am been able to flip from girlfriend to just friend so quickly.

I did care.  I cared a lot.  I thought he was the One.  I had already envisioned a future together.  And then it all fell apart, for no apparent reason. I have 2 choices:  stay stuck there, on the mourning of a relationship or move on.

I am moving on.  I am not being cold.  I am being a realist.  I am saving myself time and energy.  If something doesn’t work, then it doesn’t work, move on.  There is no sense in spending time thinking about it, trying to reflect on what went wrong or why, or even dreaming about it working again.

I embraced thinking he was the One, now I am embracing him as a friend.

“Embrace who you are and your divine purpose. Identify the barriers in your life, and develop discipline, courage and the strength to permanently move beyond them, and keep moving forward.” – Germany Kent

I am back on Match and POF.  My first date since starting again was last night.

I went out with B, he is in Finance and works for a museum in New York City.

He chose an expensive Scandinavian restaurant called Agern located inside Grand Central Station.  I commute every day out of GCS and had never noticed it before. It is hidden in plain sight.

After taking a look at the menu and prices online I told him that perhaps he should choose a place more reasonable. He said that he heard good things about this restaurant and he was glad to take me there.

The ambiance was great, it was quiet and not too bright.  The service was amazing.  The food was good but nothing that I would be looking forward to eating again.  I guess fancy Scandinavian food is not for me.

We shared 2 appetizers, 3 entrees and 1 dessert. We had only one cocktail each and the bill was $250 with tip – I sneaked a peek as he was signing the credit card receipt.

B was such a great person. He was interested and interesting.  The conversation flowed.  Three hours went by and we didn’t even have a chance to talk about his favorite subject: music.

I didn’t get an initial romantic vibe from the date, but I think that a second date may be necessary to make sure.

He texted saying that he had a lovely time and would like to see me again. I said it would be great.

to be continued…

“If I cease searching, then, woe is me, I am lost. That is how I look at it – keep going, keep going come what may.” – Vincent van Gogh

This was extremely annoying and unnecessary. He missed a great chance to be quiet.

03 Friday Aug 2018

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” Sometimes your knight in shining armor turns out to be an idiot wrapped in tin foil.” – unknown

I just got this very short email from G.  This is it in its entirety:

I’m still a little shell shocked from my last relationship. You did a few things probably innocently last weekend that rocked me which is why I was off.

You were probably kidding but it still it rocked me. I think the world of you lady.

What?  What is the point of this email?

Some things I did?

I know that if I am guilty of anything in this relationship was of being too nice and trying too hard.

In this relationship all I did was give and go out of my way for somebody.  Some times I make a guy jump through hoops, except this time.

Is this his way of offering an explanation to his behavior?  We are past this.  I don’t care for answers or explanations anymore.  I did all the trying.  I am done.

Does he want me to ask what was that I did that triggered something in him?   Is this email supposed to make me curious?  Should I say sorry for something I have no clue?

“If you’re not comfortable enough with yourself or with your own truth when entering a relationship, then you’re not ready for that relationship.” -Steve Maraboli

I tried to talk about this previous relationship of his but he didn’t want to get too much into it.  I respected that.  He said they were together in the past, then recently tried again but still the issues were all there as before and he broke up for good.

I asked if there was any chance of getting back together and he said: never.  He made sure to say, more than once, that I was the total opposite of her.

I am hoping for his sake that he had no expectations when he sent this email as he is getting no replies of any sort.

I will not ask what I did (or he thinks I did) because I do not care.  I am not even curious.  Whatever way he felt or is feeling is on him not me.

It is not what I did, it is how received and reacted (or didn’t react) to it.

“I’m not crying because of you; you’re not worth it. I’m crying because my delusion of who you were was shattered by the truth of who you are.” – Steve Maraboli

He had plenty of chances and freedom to tell me anything he wanted.  He was free to say what bothered him at the time that it happened.  I made sure that we made communication a priority in this relationship.

I told him that I joke a lot and I can be sarcastic so he had to speak up if he ever didn’t like anything I did or said.  He had said my honesty was refreshing.  Why hold it in, be a jerk and now send such an email?

I didn’t reply and will not reply to such emails.  Either tell me what you think I did that hurt, offended, “rocked” you or just be quiet.

Sorry for venting, but this email was really aggravating and offending to me.  To me, we were done and moved on to being friends that texted every now and then.  I was happy with that. No need for explanations that will not change anything, and to perhaps just make me feel that I am guilty of something.

“I will not try to convince you to love me, to respect me, to commit to me. I deserve better than that; I AM BETTER THAN THAT…Goodbye.” – Steve Maraboli

 

 

Are we friends? (if it’s meant to be, it’ll be)

02 Thursday Aug 2018

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“In love, no one can harm anyone else; we are each responsible for our own feelings and cannot blame someone else for what we feel.” – Paulo Coelho

I know I may seem dramatic over this breakup since we had been together just a very short time, but it was not only the time, it was the depth of it.  It was the potential and hope in it. So please bear with me as I am still mourning it and saying good bye.

Because I can’t accept when things feel unfinished.

Because I needed a period in the end and this just feels like a semi-colon.

Because I need to feel that no matter what happened we are not enemies.

I wrote, not to get a response, but just to get that heaviness out of my chest.  I wrote to feel empty of things left unsaid.

I didn’t care if he would write back or not, but I hope to one day be able to be friends.

Because of all of that I sent G an email.

This is verbatim the email I sent, just omitting our names:

A little bit of time has now passed that I can speak/write without being emotional and probably irrational. 

I am not sure exactly what happened.  I keep going over and over every detail in my mind.

What could we have done differently? 

I realize there is not one clear answer.

 

When you were dropping me off and said you just wanted “to get done with it” and go home, that said it all…

Still I was hopeful that it was not as I had heard.

Then the extremely loud silence the rest of Sunday.

Then the short text.  

An addiction? What to say to that?

There it was: the end!

 

It started so full of hope.

I thought to myself: This is it! 

I told people: I found him!  

 

 I still think the world of you and I think you think highly of me too.

Unfortunately mutual admiration was not enough to make WE work.

 Sad is an understatement. But this is not a failure.  

We wanted it to work. We tried. I know I did. 

 

It is my hope that we are able to remain in each other’s life and build a friendship.

Blessings and light to you!”

 

I wrote that at night on Tuesday night. The next morning, yesterday, he send me the following reply:

I don’t think I meant “to get done with it” in the same way you took it. I use that term to mean just I’m done with the day – just waiting till I go to bed. Sunday was unfortunate because as I said – spent the day dirty helping JP with his bus. Phone away. But yes- something was wrong. 

The addiction comment – because neither of us were contacting the other – knew you were felling it as well so I figured some sort of contact would be like a quick fix for both of us.

I started full of hope as well

I felt you were custom made for me.

I feel VERY highly of you for sure – everything I’ve said still stands. I think you’re an incredible and rare woman.

Somethings piled up on me that weekend and they got the better of me

That’s all I can say.

You’re still on my mind pretty much all day – I think I just might need some time.

(right now on the radio – Florida Georgia Line’s – ” if it’s meant to be -it’ll be” )  

 

I didn’t reply as I think it requires none.  We both said our piece.   I am not sure I know what “I think I just might need some time” means exactly.  Does he need time to become friends? If so, he can take all the time in the world.

I said what I wanted to say and I feel light.  His response makes no difference.

****

And then as I was about to publish that yesterday, he sents me a text with some funny comment.  I replied and said:

“I thought you needed time.  A whole 5 hours?”

He laughed. We exchanged another couple of pleasant texts and that was it.

Perhaps we can be friends after all.  It feels good to end on a good note.

 

and here is the song he mentioned:

He is done! I am done! We are done!

31 Tuesday Jul 2018

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“Don’t worry about failures, worry about the chances you miss when you don’t even try.” – Jack Canfield

This is just a quick update to tell you what is going on between G and I.

Nothing is going on, and this nothingness is brutal.  I would declare us officially over as boyfriend and girlfriend.  I am holding out hope that we eventually can become friends but that remains to be seen.

At 12:14pm yesterday he texted me:

“Hard to have an addiction”

I am not 100% sure what that means but I think that he means being addicted to me or to getting my emails in the morning.  I remember him mentioning once being addicted to waking up and seeing a text from me.

We had a little routine.  He always texted good night first and I always texted good morning first, normally with a sweet cartoon or a funny meme.

Yesterday I didn’t text good morning as I had not heard from him since 10am the prior day.  I felt he was the one that would have to reach out if he wanted to. If I were the one to reach out it would seem that I am okay with how things had been going, and I am not.

“Blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another, and regardless of how much you blame him, it will not change you.” – Jack Canfield

After a day of silence to just text that one sentence it is also very telling in its brevity.

I didn’t reply. What is there to say?

I hate to be silent, but if I were to reply with the truth, which is, that I miss him and that I am sad that things didn’t work out; that would probably just drag things on.  It would eventually fall apart later.

There were too many things that I was putting up with to be nice and accommodating.  I was making it all about him. Unlike many of the guys before, in this one I saw future, so I forgot about myself for awhile.  I think eventually I would grow tired.  Actually I was already tired.

And so was he!

I keep thinking back to him saying that he just wanted to be “done with it”.  That was the moment for me that told me that things were over and would never work out no matter how much I wanted them to.

That should not be the sentiment of any man dropping me off at home.  That should not be the sentiment of anyone getting to know each other.  I imagine a person trapped in a miserable marriage saying that.

If he feels that way now, I can only imagine a few months, and years down the line.

“You got to let go of the good to embrace the great” – Jack Canfield

I guess I felt a little that way too. I would be eager to see him, then I would start seeing in all the ways that we didn’t mesh.  Then as soon as we said good bye I would be dying to see him again.

Still I don’t want to hurt him.  I feel my silence hurts, but at the same time, silence may be the kindest thing I can do.  If he compared me to an addiction, then helping him quit is the best thing I can do.

I would love to attempt a friendship but I think we need some time apart.  Perhaps when some time passes I will reach out and check on him, but for now it would seem just an attempt to still want to work on something that would never work.

He wanted to just be done with it. Now we are and I think we are both much better off for it.  If not better, we both deserve different.  This is not a failure, this is discovery, it is growth!

“Sometimes you dance with a partner, and sometimes you dance alone. But the important thing is to keep dancing.” – Jack Canfield

Trying not to lose myself in the process of loving someone

30 Monday Jul 2018

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“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” – Rumi

G and I are still seeing each other but I am really not sure it is going to work.  It seems that we are both trying to make things work but our lives don’t quite seem to mesh together.   At times it seems we are trying to put a square peg in a round hole.

I have been trying to keep an open mind.  At times I can be critical and picky and I have been trying my hardest not to do that.  I am being successful but at what cost?

I think he is a great guy, and I believe he thinks I am a great girl.  We both believe that together we would make an amazing couple.  Can mutual admiration make for a good relationship?

In reality I think I am the one trying harder to fit in his world.  I feel I am doing more of the compromising.  Perhaps if he is asked that same question he may say he is the one trying harder.  I am not sure I would be completely happy in his world and he would probably not be happy in mine.  The ideal would be to bridge the gap and make a whole new world.  It is proving difficult.  At this point we are both set in our ways and our routines, so trying to merge our lives is very hard.

My Ex comes to mind.  He lived the same distance, one hour from me, he had his life set there, and so I dropped everything and moved in with him. For 3 years his life was my life.  I don’t regret any of that for a single moment but it doesn’t mean I want to repeat the same story again.

I could easily list 5 instances where something he did was not to my liking.  There was nothing terrible, but little details here and there that starts adding up.  Moments where he chose cheapness instead of niceness.

I am practical and don’t waste money.  I much prefer to save than to spend.  He seems to take frugality to a whole different level.  I am not sure I am ready for that.  I am not sure I want that.

He thinks about the environment, about health and about saving money 100% time.  It seems to dictate his life.  While it is admirable, it may not be for me.  He pays attention to the use of electricity, water, to the price of everything. I try to conserve but it doesn’t rule my life.

I appreciate that he is very environmentally conscious not wanting to waste anything and wanting to leave the smallest footprint.  But being that way 100% of the time and with me this early in the relationship seems just petty and cheap.

He is also very much into his art at this moment.  While I admire that passion and drive, I think he is forgetting about me.  He is forgetting that we are beginning this relationship and it requires effort and dedication too.

We live 1 hour away but it seems so much longer than that.   We seem to be dying to see each other, but after we are together for a while it seems we are dying to get back to our own lives.  He expressed something like that when he dropped me off this evening after we spent Friday night and all day Saturday together.  I asked him if he wanted to come in and I would order pizza and he could have dinner with my sister and I.  He said: “I just want to be done with it”.  I said: ouch! I think he realized that he actually spoke out loud and quickly added that he wanted to get back home to have a beer and cigar.  On one hand I understand wanting to relax at the end of the day.  On the other I don’t understand not wanting to spend more time together.  Especially since he did have the entire Sunday to relax.

We spent the whole day Saturday looking for materials for his art.   It was hot and tiring, but I was a trooper, and now he makes it seem it is too much to spend 1 hour just relaxing and eating pizza with my sister and I.

And that is another point.  So far it seems what we do most is spend the time in nature, sea shores and river edges looking for raw materials.  While I love nature and I want to be supportive of his art, I don’t want to do only that every weekend.

I listen intently when he talks about his art and about his interest in real estate investing. I give my opinion. I ask questions.  I am genuinely interested. But when I talk about my writing, or about mosaics, he just listens and doesn’t ask any questions or adds anything to the conversation. It seems I am more interested in his life than he is in mine.

I appreciate that he is not fake, doesn’t play games or tells me sweet little lies, but I would hope that he could somehow muster a little more interest in my life.

He does tell me all the time that he thinks I am wonderful and I am exactly what he has been looking for.  But I am not sure his actions are telling me that.

The affection is there now, and is trying to show me that, so that area is no longer a complaint. There is a lot of chemistry and we love to be in each other’s arms, but that doesn’t seem to be enough.

Even though I really thought he could be the one, I no longer lead with my heart and my body. I am letting my mind assist me in the search for a partner. I think we both realize that no matter how much we want this to work, there is a chance that may not.

I have given 100% and I don’t want to give up just yet…

Ps. This was written Sunday morning.  He texted me as usual Saturday night and Sunday morning but then just went quiet.  I didn’t prod or question the silence.  I could write, I know, but at this point I rather leave the ball in his court and wait.  Perhaps he is doing the same.

It is now 10 am Monday and we haven’t texted each other yet.  This is totally uncharacteristically for us. I am sure he is surprised I haven’t made an attempt to connect or send a little emoji or meme.  I think I am officially done with all the trying. Is this the end?

Stay tuned…

“I want to see you.

Know your voice.

Recognize you when you
first come ’round the corner.

Sense your scent when I come 
into a room you’ve just left.

Know the lift of your heel,
the glide of your foot.

Become familiar with the way 
you purse your lips
then let them part, 
just the slightest bit,
when I lean in to your space
and kiss you.

I want to know the joy 
of how you whisper 
“more” 
― Rumi