Category Archives: Dating

Valentine’s Day Weekend – joyous moments

18 Tuesday Feb 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

≈ 24 Comments

Tags

, , , , ,

I had a lovely weekend of no expectations.  It is really amazing what happens when one decides to ignore expectations and let the moment be a surprise.  The result are beautiful experiences.

M. picked me up when he left work a little after midnight on Friday,  well Saturday morning really.  It is always wonderful seeing him.  I think he feels the same way about seeing me.

“The pain of parting is nothing to the joy of meeting again.”― Charles Dickens, Nicholas Nickleby

When we got to his house he was excited to show me the gifts he got me.  He said that he was not sure what to get me and thought it would be nice for me to have some things to have at his house.  In the below picture: a robe, a towel, a loofah (another one since he said he had used mine form last time), a pair of comfy slippers, a lotion, a delicious dark chocolate heart and a box of coconut chocolates, which he knew are my favorites.

What he got me for Valentine’s Day

I thought it was all perfect.  We know each for 1 month so really anything he gave me would have been perfect. It also included a card that was very romantic and signed Love.

I had no idea what to give him either.  Since he loves coffee I gave him a coffee grinder and organic coffee, which turns out he had one already.  He was gracious about it.  He said his was old and he would keep the new one.

I also gave him a picture frame that I made. I am heavily into my passion for mosaics at the moment so it seemed fitting to give him something I made myself.   I put the picture of a dog in it since he loves dog and eventually he can change that if he wants to.  He said it was beautiful.

What I gave him

We decided to have dinner at home on Saturday night instead of going to a restaurant. He asked me what I would prefer and I honestly didn’t care so he chose to make me skirt steak, which he knew was my favorite.  Old me would have wanted to go to a restaurant, but the present me is more interested in spending time alone together.  Cooking together seemed perfect.  Well, he cooked while I set the table.  Table setting in progress below.  I forgot to take a picture of the final set up and with the food on it. I guess I was too hungry by then. 🙂

Dinner was delicious! After dinner we were looking for a movie to watch on Amazon Prime.  We couldn’t decide.  By the time we chose one, which I don’t even remember what is it now, I fell asleep right at the beginning.  He said it was one of those predictable movies: boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy gets girl in the end.

On Saturday before we shopped for dinner he showed me more places around town:  the drive-in movie theater, some dairy farms, some local parks, some celebrities homes, including Derek Jeter’s home that is across the lake from his house and happens to be up for sale.

If interested take a look: https://www.businessinsider.com/derek-jeters-house-pics-2019-2

Sunday before he took me home we went to local carnival, where we ate good food.  They were going to have a Polar Plunge but I was too cold to wait for it.  I was not wearing a coat, just a turtleneck and a vest.  It didn’t feel cold when we left his home, but by the side of the lake with a frosty mist blowing by it was decidedly freezing.

I am afraid of guns but he spent some time showing me how to shoot cans with a pellet gun.  I failed miserably.  Still I am glad I tried.  He wanted to show me that it takes a skilled marksman to shoot exactly the leg or the arm.  I made the comment, that I guess he is tired of hearing, why don’t cops shoot the legs instead of shooting to kill.

Anytime we were home he had Brazilian Bossa Nova music going.  I think by the end of my stay we were both sick of it. It is beautiful and he wanted me to cater to me, so I appreciate his thoughtfulness.

I enjoyed the weekend immensely.  He is thoughtful and caring, without being too much and too needy.

“When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy.” ― Rumi

In getting to know him,  while sporting a new attitude,  I have noticed some things about me.  I will discuss them in the next post.

 

Valentine’s Day 2020: Celebrating having someone to kiss

14 Friday Feb 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

≈ 21 Comments

Tags

, , , ,

“Loving is not infinite, infinite is the capacity to love”– Vinicius de Moraes

Last year today, February 14, I wrote the following post:
https://atomic-temporary-33385295.wpcomstaging.com/2018/02/14/wanting-a-boyfriend-on-this-valentines-day/

In the post I talked about being single and happy but still yearning for a boyfriend on Valentine’s Day.

This year I have a boyfriend on Valentine’s Day and I am over the moon about it. If I didn’t have one, life would still be beautiful and I would still be happy. But I do, so excuse me while I get up and do a happy dance.

I know I sound like a lovey-dovey teenager.  Instead of toning it down I am embracing it and putting it on full blast.  I don’t meet a lot guys that makes me weak in the knees.  This one does so I will enjoy it.  And I suspect that I have the same effect on him.

“I am looking for someone, not to find myself but to lose myself.” – Vinicius de Moraes

I want to be in love. I want to be part of a couple. In no way that means I am desperate or willing to settle. It just means that I am willing to search for it.  I am willing to be vulnerable and take chances.  I am willing to get hurt again. And again, and again…

This Valentine’s Day I am choosing to celebrate life and love! The beginnings of a love affair, the feeling of wanting and being wanted, the passion, the longing, the missing and the meeting.

If this lust will become love, if it will grow and blossom it remains to be seen. For now I will put all my heart into it.  I will give it attention and care. I will do my part.

“The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.” – Thomas Merton

I always found it stupid to celebrate monthly anything, and here I am celebrating that 2 days ago on February 12 it was our 1-month anniversary.  I am choosing to celebrate months, and days, and minutes. I am choosing to celebrate the now. Life is fleeting, love is not a guarantee, but happiness is a choice that I make daily.  Life are the little moments.

On Monday night he said he had a crazy idea. I braced myself and asked what is it? He said: “How about I pick you up after my shift on Friday night? You can come and spend the weekend with me.  We can go out on Saturday night for Valentine’s Day.”  He mentioned places he wants to show me and foods he wants to cook for me. He also mentioned a Winter Festival that will be happening this weekend in his town.

“You do not need to know precisely what is happening, or exactly where it is all going. What you need is to recognize the possibilities and challenges offered by the present moment, and to embrace them with courage, faith and hope.” ― Thomas Merton

I no longer impose on people my expectations. I no longer expect them to be me or act like I would act. Now I am free to see them for who they are.  I let them surprise me instead of always expecting and then being disappointed.

If something is very important to me I will bring it up otherwise I let things flow.

What was before expectations that always led to disappointment are now happy surprises.

  • When he opens the car door, I feel like a lady
  • When he mentions buying me slippers and a bathrobe so I will have them when I sleepover,  I feel cared for
  • When he makes plans for us, I feel special
  • When he goes out of his way for me, I feel loved
  • When he just sent a Happy Valentines text with flowers emojis, my heart sings

Nothing is expected!  Nothing is taken for granted!

Today on this Valentine’s Day 2020 my wish for you is for you to be fully present in your life.  Celebrate life with no expectations and only gratitude in your heart.  Do what makes you happy. Get up and dance.  Smile!

 “Cry, scream, love … Say it was worth it, that it hurt, that from now on it will only get better … Forgive, insist, love again … Don’t take life too seriously … Uncomplicate … Break rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly … Really love , laugh wildly and never regret anything that made you smile …”- Vinicius de Moraes 

 

No control, no problem!

10 Monday Feb 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

≈ 46 Comments

Tags

, , , , , ,

“Peace begins
When expectation ends.”
― Sri Chinmoy

M and I continue to date.  We talk every night.  We don’t text a lot and don’t see each other at lot.  He works nights, and since he is about to retire at the end of this month he has tons to get done before that.  I said I understood.

I wrote this post the other day when I was contemplating my feelings and behavior in this relationship.  Even though I am interested in him and I enjoy spending time with him I am not standing by the phone or stressing out if he takes too long to call.

In prior relationships anything would give me the sense of doom. A call not returned, a texted not replied, I would already start foreseeing the end.  Now I am different.  I don’t care.  I don’t give any power to things that happen or don’t happen.

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.”― Rumi

I have been feeling so free and less stressed as a result of not overthinking and not overreacting.  It is great having no expectations and taking one day at a time.

When I met M I was about to get off of POF and e-Harmony.  I was tired of those sites and wanted to take a break and then go to another site.  On the second date I told him that I was no longer on POF.  He offered to remove his profile right then and there. I said: “don’t”. I meant it.

At this point I don’t really care what he is doing. I feel free doing this relationship this way. In the past I have tried to dictate, to foresee, to control things. It only caused heartache and pain for me.

I don’t know if he is the one for me.  Time will tell.

I don’t know if my family and friends will like him. Time will tell.

I don’t know if I can accept his convictions. Time will tell.

I don’t know if we will grow together or apart. Time will tell.

In life and in love:

Anytime I try to control the situation I lose.

Anytime I try to foresee the outcome I lose.

Anytime I am in the future planning I lose.

Anytime I am in the past brooding I lose.

Nothing is a guarantee.  Even the best laid plans sometimes fail, why worry about it.

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.”― Lao Tzu

It feels so good to be free from expectations. I am being vigilant about having expectations. Any time I catch an inkling of expectation I make myself aware of what I am doing and I stop it.

Having no expectations doesn’t mean that I accept poor treatment.  It just means that I am not making somebody else responsible for my needs and wants.

Instead of expecting things from M and from others I am making sure that I am treating myself with the kindness, attention and the love I want and deserve.

I am giving myself more power by letting go of the need to control. I don’t need to control, I don’t need to react.  I don’t need to know and plan every step.  I am in control by letting go of control.  It is funny how that works.

Now I just welcome the good, and reject the bad, as they come, when they come.  I welcome  and rejoice with the little surprises and I don’t stress over the mundane.

This relationship feels calming and so comfortable. It is like wearing pajamas and having a cup of cafe mocha while a cold rain falls outside.

“Don’t despair: despair suggests you are in total control and know what is coming. You don’t – surrender to events with hope.” – Alain de Botton

All’s well, that ends well

29 Wednesday Jan 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating

≈ 17 Comments

Tags

, ,

“Be the reason someone smiles. Be the reason someone feels loved and believes in the goodness in people.” ― Roy T. Bennett

On Saturday morning a car hit my car while I was moving out of a spot. The driver said that he thought I had already moved. I had gone to the bakery – bread is indeed not good for me 🙂

It is the worst feeling when something bad is happening and you can only watch it powerlessly.  I saw the car backing up into me and honked a few times but he kept going until he hit me as I was bracing myself for the hit.

At first I thought the driver was drunk because he was shaking and seemed unsteady on his feet when he exited his car. Then I realized that he was just agitated from the situation. I made sure to get his information, I calmed my sister down and then we left.

I got home and took a better look at the damage. I just rubbed off his white paint from my mulberry (the color of my car) front bumper and realized that nothing big had happened,  just some scrapes.  The other car had a broken tail light.

I felt bad for the driver and called him to check on him and to let him know it was not a big deal and would probably be cheap to fix it.  I didn’t want him to be worrying about it.  He seemed relieved and thanked me. Today he sent me the information of a body shop.  I think it will need just some buffing up or polishing up.

“Whenever you see a successful business, someone once made a courageous decision.” – ― Peter F. Drucker

And speaking of cars, in March the lease on my car ends and I have to decide what to.  Do I buy this car or do I do another lease for the same type of car or a different one?

My current car is a Honda HRV and in 3 years I have driven less than 7,000 miles.  The residual on it is $14,000.00.  Since I am not really a car person and don’t really care what car I drive I am wondering what to do.  What makes better financial sense?  Any opinions?

“Everything in us presses toward decision, even toward the wrong decision, just to be free of the anxiety that precedes any big step in life.”― May Sarton, Plant Dreaming Deep

The third date was dinner at a Mexican restaurant. The weather was just dreary, cold rain and wind, perfect to stay at home.  Since he has to drive over 1 hr to come to me I was expecting him to cancel it but he didn’t.

I drank my usual passion-fruit mojito and he had red wine.  I had quesadillas and empanadas and he had chicken with mole sauce.

At the end of the date we had, what I can only describe as a “Seinfeld moment”.  We left the restaurant and were walking towards my building.  He took my hand and said: “here, feel this”, as he moved my hand towards his waist area.

For a second I was shocked and thought he wanted me to touch his private parts. I pulled my hand away and he again pulled it towards him. I was taken aback by this action as there was nothing in our interactions thus far that it would warrant that type of forwardness.

“She did not understand the beauty he found in her, through touch upon her living secret body, almost the ecstasy of beauty. For passion alone is awake to it. And when passion is dead, or absent, then the magnificent throb of beauty is incomprehensible and even a little despicable; warm, live beauty of contact, so much deeper than the beauty of vision.”― D.H. Lawrence, Lady Chatterley’s Lover

That is when I felt something very hard on his waist.  It was his gun.  I started laughing and told him what I thought it was going on.  He was a bit embarrassed.

He is a cop and at dinner he mentioned that he has to carry his weapon at all times with only a couple of exceptions.  I guess he wanted to show me that he was not lying.

Isn’t life tricky?  Guns scare me.  I also have always said that I don’t want to date anyone in the military or a cop. He was both.  I say “was” because he is 2 months away from retirement.

He had parked across from my apartment.  I didn’t want the date to end so I suggested we sit in his car and talk.  I wanted a little more than talking but I live right on Main Street so there are always cars and pedestrians passing by.  We did get in a few kisses and it was still steamy.

The next date is already scheduled and we are both counting the days.  Stay tuned…

“I want to see the thirst
inside the syllables
I want to touch the fire
in the sound:
I want to feel the darkness
of the cry. I want
words as rough
as virgin rocks.” – Verb.”
― Pablo Neruda

 

 

Making a match and making mosaics

25 Saturday Jan 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

≈ 16 Comments

Tags

, , , ,

“You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover’s arms can only come later when you’re sure they won’t laugh if you trip.”― Jonathan Carroll, Outside The Dog Museum

While this budding romance continues to bud I enjoy reading everything about the pairing of Aries (me) and Cancer (he) and also Horse (me) and Rabbit (he).  According to both Western and Chinese Zodiacs this is not a match made in heaven.  Some sites say that it is the worst match of the zodiac.

I wish it would say the opposite but then again nothing that is too easy is worth it.  A romance against all odds (Zodiac or otherwise) makes it for a better romance. Apparently I am too aggressive and he is too sensitive, can we bridge that gap? I am up for the challenge.

We text once or twice a day and speak on the phone every night.  It feels right, even though it is so early in the game.

“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.”― Carl Gustav Jung

***

“Creativity takes courage. ”― Henri Matisse

I started my mosaic class/workshop last Tuesday. There were 4 other women of various ages plus the instructor sitting around a table.  Each one works on a project of their choice. The instructor provides the space, supplies and of course instruction.

I am making the Brazilian flag on the top of a folding table.  I am kicking myself now for not taking pictures before I started.  I will try to remember to take pictures next time so I can show the progress.

I am so excited about finding this studio and getting back to this craft that I love. I am not creative at all so this is a way to get those nonexistent juices flowing.

All the women there were so welcoming and friendly I felt like I was among friends.  I am looking forward to going back to finish my project and to see them.

“Learn the rules like a pro, so you can break them like an artist.”― Pablo Picasso

The Second Date: foam heart, kissing cheeks and so much promise

22 Wednesday Jan 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

≈ 33 Comments

Tags

, , , , , ,

“Don’t answer the door in a wedding dress and veil, he might not think you’re joking.” – Amy Sedaris, I like You: Hospitality Under the Influence

Even though we had a great first date I didn’t want to expect too much from the second date.  I am used to having great first dates and then either the guy disappears or he becomes someone else on the second date. I was cautiously optimistic.

We met at R Café and Tea Boutique in New Rochelle. It is cool little place near my apartment.   I had a café mocha with a scone.  He had a latte with a croissant.  He pointed it out to me that the barista made a heart out of milk foam on my cup.

The message was not lost on us.  We both believe in signs so a minor detail such as a heart in cup is to us message from the Universe. Color us fools wanting to be in love.

Similar to the first date we had fun.  We talked, laughed and smiled a lot.  I am still smiling.  Again, he paid me a lot of compliments.  He complimented my hair, my earrings, and again he oohed and aahed over how young looking he thinks my face is.  At some point he also mentioned he needs to get new glasses, but we are not going to dwell on his poor vision now. Lol

“Tenderness is the repose of passion.” – Joseph Joubert, The Notebooks of Joseph Joubert

At one point I made a joke about not letting Trump divide us and he said: “No, that is a minor detail. We don’t have to talk about politics.  I can talk about politics with other friends.”  I still don’t know how I feel about that but I am willing to wait and see.

I wanted to somehow memorialize the occasion so I proposed we take a selfie. “To show the grandkids” I told him.  He laughed and went along with it. He doesn’t have kids either.  He mentioned that it means more freedom and time for each other, so I am choosing to be grateful for that, instead of dwelling on a childless future.

I wish I could bottle and sell the way he makes me feel when he looks at me, when he touches my hand and kisses my cheek.  There is so much tenderness.  It is as if he is looking at the most beautiful and delicate thing in the universe.  I feel like the most desirable human being on the planet.

“Patience is not sitting and waiting, it is foreseeing. It is looking at the thorn and seeing the rose, looking at the night and seeing the day. Lovers are patient and know that the moon needs time to become full.” ― Rumi

Even when he seems to be trying to be forward and aggressive he is slow and gentle.  At one point he said: “I want to kiss your beautiful face”. I replied: “Please do it” or something forward like that.  He reached over the table and kissed my cheek ever so gently. I took his face in my hands and kissed him softly on the lips.

I love this phase, I love this feeling.  The beginning, the getting to know each other, the discovery.  I am fully aware that as I am writing this I am giving the impression of a love struck teenager. I am! I am going to own that and enjoy it for as long as I can.

“You must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment. Fools stand on their island of opportunities and look toward another land. There is no other land; there is no other life but this.” – Henry David Thoreau

We finished our coffee and pastries and I wanted to show him the area I live at.  He always goes for the hand on my back, there but barely touching it.  I, instead, took his hand, so we walked holding hands. Just now I realized that perhaps this is one of my controlling tendencies, of wanting more and directing the situation. Or is it overthinking now?

As we were passing by The Curtain Shop he said that he had in mind to buy curtains for a patio door.  We walked in and I helped him choose a beautiful blue curtain. He seemed to enjoy the fact that I chose something for his house.

I walked him back to his car as he had to go to work.  We hugged good bye and kissed lightly on the lips.  He texted me when he got to work and called me later that night.

We didn’t schedule a third date yet, but I have no doubt it will happen.  We talked about watching the Super Bowl at his house.  He lives in a quaint little lake town over 1 hour away from me.

I can’t wait for passionate kisses. “Be patient” – I am telling myself.  It has been so long since I have been with someone that the chemistry is this good that I can’t help but want more and now.

“If each day falls inside each night,
There exists a well
where clarity
is imprisoned.
We need to sit on the rim
of the well of darkness
and fish for fallen light,
with patience.

“Si cada día cae/If each day falls”
EI MAR Y LAS CAMPANAS. The Sea and The Bells.”
― Pablo Neruda

The first date

20 Monday Jan 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating

≈ 10 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , ,

“An open mind and a willing heart are the beginning of many a great adventure. Let’s get started.” Colleen Houck, Tiger’s Dream

M. is 56 years old and works in law enforcement. I like that he took charge and chose the location and time of the first date. He asked if I was okay with his choice or would like something else. I was fine with it.

We went to Chat 19 in Larchmont, NY, a place I have been to several times and enjoy. When I got there at 7pm he was waiting for me in the vestibule. We hugged hello, walked in and sat at the bar.

I had a passion-fruit mojito, he had red wine. We shared an appetizer of spring rolls. The conversation just flowed. We talked and laughed non-stop. We talked about everything.

If I was one of those people that paid attention to things I would be able to describe his clothing and shoes, but I am not, so I can’t. I know how he made me feel: comfortable, safe and wanted.

He mentioned that he never gets nervous but he was a little nervous at that moment – I could tell. He apologized if he was staring too much but he said couldn’t help himself because I was so beautiful.  He complimented my face and skin, and said I don’t look my age. He loved my small hands and said I could be a hand model. Even if he overdid a bit (or lot) I enjoyed receiving his compliments. There is no way that I could ever be a hand model, but it was fun to hear him say that.

The conversation about being a hand model led us to talk about our mutual love of Seinfeld. We both also love the movie Shawshank Redemption. We have similar tastes in a lot of things.

Then he brought up politics and the similarities ended.  I cringed. Lately it seems that is one topic that can make or break potential relationships. Turns out he voted for Trump. I mentioned that I didn’t and will not ever. We talked a little bit about our reasons, but quickly moved on from that subject.

We survived that topic.  I liked that he didn’t try to convince me of anything.  He was respectful and open minded.

Then a musical trio arrived at the restaurant and started playing. It was fun but it was loud so we listened to a few songs and headed out.

We walked towards my car holding hands. It felt natural and comfortable. We got to my car and as I said goodnight we leaned into each and quickly kissed on the lips.

I got in and started the car. I lowered my window, he leaned his head inside the car and kissed me again. After he moved away I pulled him back in and this time it was a longer kiss. I could kiss him the whole night.

We then said good bye and I drove home. Five minutes later he was already texting me to say thank you for the great evening and that he couldn’t wait to see me again. I felt the same way.

It was clear we liked each other. This is exciting and I can’t wait to see what the future holds.

The second date is already tomorrow.  It is Martin Luther King’s day and I am off from work so we are going to have lunch before he goes to work. He works from 3pm to midnight.

Stay tuned…

“I want love, passion, honesty, and companionship… sex that drives me crazy and conversation that drives me sane.”― Steve Maraboli

Sometimes it does work

19 Sunday Jan 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

≈ 14 Comments

Tags

, , ,

“Great things happen to those who don’t stop believing, trying, learning, and being grateful.” – Roy T. Bennett

After not dating for awhile I agreed to meet someone tonight.  We have already spoken on the phone a few times.  We both love to talk and have a lot to say so the conversation just flows.  We seem to have the same values and think along the same lines.  I am excited about it.

As we speak and get to know each other we are both getting more and more excited about the possibilities.  But he has been very quick to let me know that he is making no promises and anything can happen.  He doesn’t want to disappoint me, and of course he also doesn’t want to be disappointed.

I understand why he speaks in such a way.  The search for a partner can be frustrating.  It feels like it will never happen.

May be I am the one for him and he is the one for me, but the chances are slim.  Still I want to believe and I want him to believe.  I want everyone to believe that it will happen for them.

I will go on this date aware that the chemistry and congeniality we have on the phone may not be there in person. Every single time I must believe.  Otherwise what is the point? Otherwise why go?

For each time he mentions it may not work I think to myself: it may work.

“My heart might be bruised, but it will recover and become capable of seeing beauty of life once more. It’s happened before, it will happen again, I’m sure. When someone leaves, it’s because someone else is about to arrive–I’ll find love again.” – Paulo Coelho, The Zahir

 

Moving, at any speed, but moving

12 Sunday Jan 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Dating, Finding Me

≈ 15 Comments

Tags

, , , , ,

” I long to accomplish a great and noble task, but it is my chief duty to accomplish small tasks as if they were great and noble.” – Helen Keller

The year had a slow start for me.  I guess I had unreasonable expectations for the beginning of the new year.  It is like I expected to wake up in the first day of the new year and magically everything made sense, work magically became less stressful and I again started exercising daily at 5am.

The truth was not even close.  I didn’t magically become this dynamo of motivation and energy.

Work is now even more stressful.  I continue toying with the idea of making a change, working part-time or even quitting. (but I am realistic also)

I haven’t been sleeping through the night in a couple of months (I blame hot flashes),  so even though I wake up in time to exercise I can’t make myself get up and go.

10 days into the new year I realize that I need to get going or I will spend the whole year just dreaming and planning to get things done but not really doing anything.  It is  not magic or wishful thinking but hard work that makes one succeed.

A new day on the calendar doesn’t mean a miraculous new beginning, but it does present a magical chance to start over.  Nothing can be done about yesterday, but today is all mine to get stuff done.

“Don’t judge each day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds you plant.” – Robert Louis Stevenson

I am snapping out of this stupor that I have been on the last couple of months and get going.  I have taken some baby steps and here they are:

  • Flooring.  I am finally getting the floor of my bedroom done after being stuck in indecision and overthinking.  I went to Home Depot and chose the color and material it in 5 minutes.  The color chosen is below.  Feeling accomplished!

  • Walton Oak Lifeproof vinyl plank

  • Unclogged pipes. After spending months with bathtubs and sinks draining slowly and waiting for the plumber to get back to me, my sister returned from the grocery store with a Drano kit that comes with a plastic snake. I laughed at it, but I was proven wrong. This plastic snake cleaned years of dirt, hair, and other gunk.  It worked like magic. No more waiting for plumbers to get back to me.  Feeling powerful!

  • Drano with snake

  • Mosaics. I love working with them but I keep waiting for the right time and place to continue developing this craft. I was going to rent a studio, then decided against spending the money.  I finally found a place to learn and work with mosaics.  I just sent them an email and I am waiting for the class/workshop times.   I am so excited to get back to that passion.

  • Flowers and Butterflies

  • Dating.  After months of not feeling motivated to be dating or talking to anyone online, this week I finally logged in and chatted to a couple of nice (hopefully) people.  While I still didn’t schedule any dates I feel ready to get back to it.  Feeling fun and hopeful again.
  • Exercising.  I am still not exercising in the morning but I am doing something every evening even if it is just dancing to a few song or some lunges and squats.

I am so far from where I wanted to be or thought I should be at this moment in time. All I have to say is that I am aiming for movement.  Whatever I can do not to feel stuck. One step at a time,  one day at a time. I will get there.

Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid only of standing still. – Confucius

Vacation? NO! just work postponement

12 Thursday Dec 2019

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Dating, Finding Me

≈ 16 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , ,

I came back from my vacation and I am a bit overwhelmed.  It was not the right time for me to go away; but then again it is never the right time to leave.  I am glad I booked ahead of time so I had to go.

Vacations have a price. And I am not talking about airfare, hotel, etc.  I am talking about the price you pay when you come back.  The unpacking, the getting caught up with work, the getting a routine back.  Getting life back to normal is hard.

But I digress, let me relive my days in Winter Park, Colorado by telling you about it:

Day 1, Tuesday: Travel day. I left LaGuardia airport at 8 am. After the flight and a 1 and a half hour van ride I walked into the Zephyr Mountain Lodge at 3:30 pm. After leaving my bags in the room I went to get my skis for the next day.  I have my own boots and helmet, but I rent the skis.

Zephyr Lodge

Day 2, Wednesday:  I woke up late.  It is great not having to wake up with an alarm clock, specially since I haven’t been sleeping well lately.  At 10 am I finally stepped on the snow.  After dreaming about it for the past 2 years it felt amazing.  I was so grateful for everything, for nature, for being able to go.  I was surprised that I did better than I expected.

Beautiful sunny day

Day 3, Thursday: I woke up with a beautiful, majestic snow falling. It was magnificent and awe-inspiring! But I must confess, it was inspiring me to stay indoors.  I considered not going skiing.  I considered the cold, it felt so cozy inside.  I considered the hassle of the equipment, the heavy boots, the skis.  I considered that pang of fear creeping in.  I considered just staying in the room and watching the snow showers from my window.  After all, no one would know.

“My ambition is handicapped by laziness” -― Charles Bukowski, Factotum

But of course I would know. It took a couple of hours for me to talk myself into going out. I am so glad I did! I had an amazing time. I skied until they were closing at 4 pm. I am so glad I didn’t let the voices inside my head win and keep me from being on the snow.

I don’t have to be perfect or do well.  I just have to get out there and do what I love!

Warm inside, snowing outside

Day 4, Friday: I take lessons every time I go skiing, but this time I had decided that what I really needed was more time on skis.  But after having such a great day the day before I decided to take a lesson.  I am so glad I did.  My instructor’s name was Joy, she was older and absolutely the best.  She gave me good tips and pointed it out exactly what I was doing wrong.

There were two other women in the group.  One of them is a snowboard instructor that needed to learn to ski well to be able to teach both sports.  The other was a mother that wanted to be able to ski with her kids.  We were all in the same ability level so it worked out great.

That was the day I skied the best.  I always do better when I have a teacher/instructor with me. I guess I always want to impress them.  I also think that by following them and what they are doing I forget to pay attention on me and I am able to just let go.

Skiing is letting it all go and letting the body do what it wants to do: go down the mountain.  Without trying to fight it.  I spend a lot time fighting both, my body and mind.

Another beautiful day

Day 5, Saturday: The last skiing day. I started out well. At 12 pm I stopped at Sunspot on the top of the mountain to take a break and drink something.

I saw two women looking for a table and offered to share mine with them.  They were from Atlanta and were attending a friend’s party that weekend. We talked non-stop for over an hour. I had already been sitting at the table  awhile before they joined me, which meant that I sat there for about two hours.

“The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts, while the stupid ones are full of confidence.” – Charles Bukowski

I think that I sat too long and by the time I went back out there I just didn’t do as well as the other days.  I felt out of control.  It seemed my left leg didn’t want to respond to my commands.  I decided to cut it short and stopped at 3 pm instead of staying until 4 pm.

Sunspot: Lunch spot on the mountain

Day 6, Sunday: It was the day to leave.  I woke up at 4:30 am to be ready for the van at 5 pm to take me to the airport. My flight was at 10:52 pm. I landed on JFK at 4:30 pm.  Uneventful flight.  Uneventful day.

Overall I had a great time.  I only missed enjoying the restaurants.  Since I really wanted to focus on skiing this time I didn’t make arrangements to meet any dates.  When I got there I wished I had. I attempted to connect with people online but ended up connecting with someone that was in Aspen, which is way too far from Winter Park to be able to meet on the spur of the moment.

We are still communicating so perhaps there is a trip to Aspen in my future. I have been so impatient with dating lately.  Perhaps it is true that menopause means “Men on Pause”.  I certainly have been on pause way too long and the hot flashes just started.  Is this the end?

Going back to the trip, besides skiing I got a massage, took walks into town, and soaked in the tub while watching movies. I relaxed and forgot about work.

We all need days where we can do whatever we want.  When we sleep at any time, wake up at any time.  No pressure, no deadlines.  Those were those days.

Meeting a local

It renewed my love for skiing. For the challenge of it. For the beauty of it.  It renewed my love for nature.  Nature is so beautiful and inspiring. I am always in awe of this world around us.

Huge snowy mountains reminds me of how small  and insignificant I am.  At the same time it makes me feel powerful and capable of all…if that makes any sense.  It also makes me feel incredibly grateful.  Grateful for life! Grateful for the ability to enjoy its gifts! Grateful for each unique moment!

Now back to reality, but also back to planning the next trip.  Life is beautiful if not only for us to run after the next challenge. To brave new worlds, to get on planes, trains, trails, to brave fears.

What is that one thing that terrifies you and also make you feel so incredibly alive? Skiing is my poison!  What is yours?

View from inside Sunspot

“If you’re going to try, go all the way. Otherwise, don’t even start. This could mean losing girlfriends, wives, relatives and maybe even your mind. It could mean not eating for three or four days. It could mean freezing on a park bench. It could mean jail. It could mean derision. It could mean mockery–isolation. Isolation is the gift. All the others are a test of your endurance, of how much you really want to do it. And, you’ll do it, despite rejection and the worst odds. And it will be better than anything else you can imagine. If you’re going to try, go all the way. There is no other feeling like that. You will be alone with the gods, and the nights will flame with fire. You will ride life straight to perfect laughter. It’s the only good fight there is.”
― Charles Bukowski, Factotum