Category Archives: Dating

Look Rob… Godiva chocolates

24 Wednesday Mar 2021

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“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.” ― Charles M. Schulz

The second date with P. was last night.  It was going to be tonight, but I have stuff to do before leaving tomorrow to Newport, RI, so I decided to do it a day earlier.

The restaurant we wanted to go, Red Plum in Mamaroneck, was doing only take out.  He suggested we get take out and go to his apartment or house (he is living in the apartment and the house is up for sale).  I politely declined. 

We went a few doors down to Frankie and Fanucci’s instead. The food was good, the usual Italian fare.  After dinner we crossed the street and went to Milk N Cookies.  OMG!  The triple chocolate cookie was amazing.

Tonight was fun, but not as fun as the first date.  He seemed off, and I told him that.  He apologized and said it has been crazy for him at work – accounting season after all.

There were still sparks and we will be seeing each other when I return next week. 🙂

My birthday is on Sunday (the big 55!!), and I had mentioned I like chocolates.  He showed up with Godiva chocolates. 

Rob, somebody beat you to it! Rob, my dear friend from  https://forfriendswithoutborders.wordpress.com/ and I have this joke that he is going to bring me Godiva chocolates.  Well, I think it is more of my wishing for men to show up at my door with chocolates lol

Godiva will be closing all their stores, but apparently my date was able to find one still open.

Don’t despair Rob 😉 The good news is that there is always room for chocolate.

“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.” ― Linda Grayson

A first date with sparks :-)

21 Sunday Mar 2021

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Dating

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“The very essence of romance is uncertainty.” – Oscar Wilde

He had suggested the Hudson Grill in White Plains.  Instead, I chose Bill and Pete’s in Larchmont because I thought it would be quieter.

I was wrong.  We were seated at a tall table by the bar.  It was pretty loud. There were some people congregating by the bar, happily, singing and dancing.  I guess everyone is just happy to be out again after so long.

He was cute, charming and very nervous.  I was not.  I never get nervous on first dates.  They will either like me or they won’t, it is not a big deal either way.  I knew he would be a nice guy and we would have a good time.

I no longer go on first dates expecting sparks.  I go expecting good conversation and a friendly time.

He is a 56 years old accountant. He is soon to be divorced for the second time. What is up with my meeting men that has been married a couple of times before?

“You know what charm is: a way of getting the answer yes without having asked any clear question.” – Albert Camus

We shared a couple of appetizers and a sausage pizza for the main course. The food came in reverse order. All good, it didn’t bother us.

He had Pinot Grigio, I had Prosecco. Towards the of the evening the owner treated us to another round of drinks.

He was cute, funny, clumsy. He almost flipped the table on top of me. It was a small tall table and he leaned over to hear me better. The waitress was passing by at the same moment and quickly held it down. He was mortified.

Later on I had ordered a little ice cream cone with a donut on top for dessert. It was so tiny and cute, I asked him to hold it so I could take a picture. He dropped it. He was again extremely embarrassed.

We talked and laughed the whole evening.  We got there at 6:30 and left at 10pm.  In the end it was clear that we liked each other and that there were sparks.

We have a second date scheduled for Wednesday.  I am looking forward to seeing him again…that hasn’t happened in a long time.

“. . .Looking forward to things is half the pleasure of them.”
― L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables

TO RECAP: Since joining OKCupid, I have met 4 men:

D, 58 yrs. old, Volleyball fanatic.  We met at Sedona Tap House.  He is a great guy.  Asked me on a second date, but I declined.  He agreed to be friends.

N, 57 yrs. old, CFO. We met at Encore Bistro Francais.  We were supposed to go on a second date but I had the dental surgery.  No sparks, but I thought it would be fun to see him again.

S, 54 yrs. old, Attorney. We met at La Herradura. He seemed very interested but then just became apparently too busy.  No crazy sparks but thought we needed a second date to make sure.

P, 56 yrs. old, Accountant. Described on this post.

I am pleasantly surprised with OKCupid.  I am not a paying member but so far I have come accross very interesting men.  Most of them I have no met yet as they want to wait to get vaccinated.  I may be off the market by then 🙂

Stay tuned…

“I’m not sentimental–I’m as romantic as you are. The idea, you know, is that the sentimental person thinks things will last–the romantic
person has a desperate confidence that they won’t.” – ― F. Scott Fitzgerald, This Side of Paradise

Skiing before it is too late

20 Saturday Mar 2021

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Dating

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“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”
― Frank Herbert, Dune

On Saint Patrick’s Day I took the day off to go skiing.  My sister and I went to a little Mountain called Thunder Ridge, located in Patterson, NY. 

I didn’t want another season to go by without being on skis. I also wanted my sister to try it for the first time. She did and she didn’t care for it.  Too cumbersome, too dangerous.  I get it.  To start skiing at this age of 54 can be scary. 

She got an instructor that was awful.  Hopefully she will try again next season.

I am still terrified by skiing and yet, still so enamored by it. I love being there in the snow.  I like the whole skiing environment.  I am still afraid, but continue to love and embrace the challenge. 

“The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.” ― Joseph Campbell

Will I ever be comfortable skiing? I don’t know.  What I know is that I will never give up trying.

In my mind I know what I need to do.  I know I am capable.  I know the mountains and trails I have skied before.  Why do I get worst and not better?

I know I need more practice, more time on skis; so I am going to continue trying, Next season I am going to try to go often.

I am thinking of getting one of those multiple mountains passes, either the Ikon or the Epic.  Do any of you ever get those?

***

I had a follow up visit with the dentist yesterday.  He said that the pain I was feeling for 8 days was normal because he was really aggressive in trying to clean the area affected after he removed the implant.   All is looking as well as it should.  The plan is to wait another 3 months, take x-rays and then decide what to do:  put in another implant or leave it alone.

I have a date tonight with a new guy.  Stay tuned for the report next time.

Thank you for reading and wishing you all a blessed weekend! ♥♥

“If you are pained by external things, it is not they that disturb you, but your own judgement of them. And it is in your power to wipe out that judgement now.” ― Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

Friday’s Lunch date report

14 Sunday Mar 2021

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating

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“If you have carefully examined hundred people you met in your life journey, it means that you have read hundred different books! Every person you know is a book; world is full of walking books; some are boring, some are marvelous, some are weak, some are powerful, but they are all useful because they all carry different experiences of different paths!” ― Mehmet Murat ildan

On Friday I worked from home so that I could easily meet S. for lunch.  He is a successful 54 year old patent attorney.  He lives about 40 minutes from me.  We met 12pm at a Mexican Restaurant near my home, La Herradura. 

He had an avocado salad and vegetable quesadilla.  He is vegetarian, slowly becoming vegan. I am not! I had a ground beef empanada and chicken quesadillas. We didn’t order alcohol.  He said he would drink if I wanted to drink, as he wouldn’t let me drink alone. I opted not to have a drink.  It just felt too early to me, plus I wouldn’t want him having a drink and then driving.

Lately, it seems to me that there are 2 topics that can be very polarizing. Specially when initially meeting someone.  They are: Trump and Veganism. I will not get along with anyone that is not only hardcore on those topics, but that, worst, will try to change my mind on my views about it.

I will respect people’s choice and opinions, but there is nothing I hate more than to have people try to convert me into their way of thinking. He did not.  He said he changed his eating habits due to health, the environment and ethics.  I understand and appreciate that, but I am not there yet.  My goal is to continue getting healthier, with moderation and balance being my guide.

We didn’t really discuss politics, but he mentioned being happy that Trump is gone.  He seemed shy and nervous at first, but once we started talking the conversation flowed. We talked non-stop for 3 hours. We both are the type that share everything and volunteers information.

There is no question I won’t ask, and it turns out there is no question he won’t answer, so it was a perfect match 🙂 We talked about serious stuff, but we also joked and laughed a lot. His sense of humor matched mine.

“The power of getting to know one another is so immense, eclipsed only by first getting to know ourselves.” ― Bryant McGill

I found out that his baggage is way heavier than mine. At our age (over 50), we all have baggage, but some people do overpack.  He has been married twice with 5 kids from varying ages. He is still in the process of getting divorced from the second wife. It is not a pretty divorce. 

I am open minded about the situations that people find themselves in.  Life happens and it is often messy.  I don’t have children, and there are no kids in my family, so I do welcome a man with kids. What I don’t like is the potential nightmare ex scenario.

I detect something good about him and I am willing to see him again and see where it goes. It will require patience, since he has a lot on his plate.

After lunch I walked him to his car.  He seemed unsure how to say good bye, so I just hugged him.  Having masks on, it is easy to assume that there will be no good bye kiss.  I like not feeling that pressure.

We have been texting on and off since then.

“If you wish to glimpse inside a human soul and get to know a man, don’t bother analyzing his ways of being silent, of talking, of weeping, of seeing how much he is moved by noble ideas; you will get better results if you just watch him laugh. If he laughs well, he’s a good man.” ― Fyodor Dostoevsky

 

The guest and the gift

11 Thursday Mar 2021

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“In one thing you have not changed, dear friend,” said Aragorn: “you still speak in riddles.”
“What? In riddles?” said Gandalf. “No! For I was talking aloud to myself. A habit of the old: they choose the wisest person present to speak to; the long explanations needed by the young are wearying.” –  J.R.R. Tolkien

I love babies, specially little Edward, that I hope to see again someday.  But I also love older people.

I have mentioned here,  years ago, that I was volunteering in a nursing home. Even though that didn’t really work out, it did make me realize that I enjoy their company and wisdom.  It also saddened me to see in person how some are just discarded by society, and even worst, by their own families.

I am so glad that I still have my parents, and that they are being treated like royalty by my siblings and I. It is such a blessing to have my brother and sister share my care, love and respect for my parents.

“It`s not how old you are, it`s how you are old.”
― Jules Renard

One of my friends works as a caretaker for an elderly man.  She has mentioned him to me a few times but I had never met him before.

Yesterday, all of a sudden, as I am working at my desk, she walked in.  She said: “Are you busy? There is someone that wants to meet you”.  In walks her boss pushing his walker.

She found out that I am in the same building that his ENT doctor is located.  Since he had an appointment there, she took the opportunity to stop by.

He was the sweetest and funniest man.  He is 89 years old but sharp as a tack. We joked and made fun of my friend.  He then said he had brought me a gift.  He open the seat of his walker and removed a little eyeglass case.  In it there was this little beaver carved out of some pink stone.

It doesn’t really look like a beaver but he said it was a beaver, therefore it is a beaver to me.  Look at the picture below and tell me what animal do you think it is.

He said it was Indian and it was meant to give me protection and prosperity.  I will take it! He gave me some of the background on it, but I was so taken by the gesture that I didn’t pay attention.

I do that often. I get so involved in the feeling of the moment that I ignore all else. I will ask my friend to find out for me.

I felt so special! 🙂

I am still in pain. The dentist said it is normal for the pain to be stronger a few days after the surgery.  He said it should be gone by day 7.  It is just so abnormal for me to have such pain after a dental surgery.  He also said I should stop taking Advil alone and combine it with Tylenol.

Well, the 7th day is tomorrow and to celebrate it I scheduled a lunch date.   I am not sure if I more more excited for the date or for the food.  It will be the first time in one week that I will be eating more than yogurt and scrambled eggs.

Stay tuned for the details… of my meal. 🙂

“The Little Boy and the Old Man

Said the little boy, “Sometimes I drop my spoon.”
Said the old man, “I do that too.”
The little boy whispered, “I wet my pants.”
I do that too,” laughed the little old man.
Said the little boy, “I often cry.”
The old man nodded, “So do I.”
But worst of all,” said the boy, “it seems
Grown-ups don’t pay attention to me.”
And he felt the warmth of a wrinkled old hand.
I know what you mean,” said the little old man.”
― Shel Silverstein

Online dating blah blah blah

06 Saturday Feb 2021

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“Trust your heart if the seas catch fire, live by love though the stars walk backward.” ― E.E. Cummings

I signed up for OKCupid.  I haven’t had much time to actually be online, but still I have managed to connect with several people. 

Guy 1. 49 yrs old. Funny and smart.  After speaking a couple of days online I gave him my number.  After the initial pleasantries his first message was an offer to send me a picture of his d.  I declined and said that we clearly want different things.  He said he understood and we continued to text.  But every now and then, he offers to send me a picture. 

Why do I have this perpetual need of being nice? Why do I keep giving people second chances?  I guess I need to listen to Maya Angelou when she says: “When someone shows you who they are,  believe them the first time.” 

Guy 2. 45 yrs old. Smart conversation. I gave him my number.  We texted.  He seemed very interested.  Asked me out.  I said yes.  Then he just seemed to fade.  I am still waiting to hear about tonight’s date.  At this point, 11am, even if he reaches out I am no longer interested.  I guess some people just want to get the date but not go through with that.

Perhaps some people are only after that initial excitement, the thrill of connecting with someone new.  

Guy 3. 58 yrs old. He is all about volleyball.  It is funny because that is all he talks about.  He started playing recently.  I haven’t played since I was 16. He wants me to join his league. I am not sure about that, but I am going on a date with him next week. Well, I am still deciding if I should go or not.

Should I still go on a date with someone that I am not terribly excited about?  Would that be wasting their time?

“Don’t be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

I have encountered a bunch of catfishes already.  I even managed to give my number to one, before I realized it.  I am embarrassed about that.  I should know better.  I have to pay more attention.  Lesson learned.

Then there are the guys that are all about sex.  I know they want sex.  I want sex. We all do, but why lead with that? Read the room, I mean profile, people!  I want sex but as part of a committed relationship, and I state that in my profile.

Worst of all, at first they want to change my mind.  When that doesn’t work, they try to gaslight me by saying that I am overthinking things, that sex is not all they are about.  Those guys are exhausting!

Then there are the offer of being friends with benefits. It doesn’t appeal to me.  This is no judgement on anyone that enjoys that.  I become attached to people, and I would suffer later.  I know me.

I do reserve the right to change my mind on that.  On anything.  I am evolving as the earth is moving.

“Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)”
― Walt Whitman

I am always open to making platonic friends, but rarely guys on dating site accept that.  Some say they have too many friends. Some agree to being friends, but then just fade away.  I get it.

Speaking of friends.  There are 2 friends that I met on Plenty of Fish. Among all the catfish and other fake profiles I found 2 friends. 

Guy 1.  I have written about him here often.  I call him A-the doctor.  We went on a few dates.  Then he disappeared.  When he came back we became friends.  We go out often to brunch and dinner.  We talk a lot about health, spiritual things, soul, Rumi, etc. Lately, most of our conversations are about Cryptocurrencies. He believes they are the future and that I should invest heavily on them.  

Guy 2. This person, I all call him P-the Investor. I have known him for a couple of years, but I don’t think I ever mentioned him here.  We never met in person.  I will write more about him in a next post.  For now he is a friend that has become dear to me.  Lately our conversations are all about stocks.   He wants me to stay away from cryptocurrencies and focus on stocks. 

At the moment I find myself more interested in reading about stocks then dating profiles 🙂

“If you dare nothing, then when the day is over,
nothing is all you will have gained.” ― Neil Gaiman

 

 

Addicted to Potential

21 Thursday Jan 2021

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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“What should I possibly have to tell you, oh venerable one? Perhaps that you’re searching far too much? That in all that searching, you don’t find the time for finding?” ― Hermann Hesse

My dating life at the moment is non-existent. I am planning on joining another online dating site, but cannot decide which one.  I have been on Match, e-Harmony and Plenty of Fish before. They were all okay.  I have met jerks, but also met some great men. But, for some reason or another, I remain single and still searching.

My sister has never been on a dating site before and I want her to try.  I am suggesting to her Bumble and Our Time.  I think it would be too weird for us both to be on the same site.  We do look very similar on some pictures.  I need to think of other sites.

Any suggestions on what dating site I should join next? I am thinking either OKCupid or Zoosk.

“If I cease searching, then, woe is me, I am lost. That is how I look at it – keep going, keep going come what may.” ― Vincent van Gogh

It is not like it has been ages since I have been on a dating site either. My membership on Match expired at the beginning of December.

The last date I had was in December. I mentioned it in a post how he was such a nice person, that even though I didn’t think there were sparks I thought it was worth a second date.  We also talked about being friends and he was happy with that.  Then he just disappeared.

Nothing.  Not a word. He even ignored my happy holidays wishes.   I am not crying over his disappearance. I learned a long time ago that in these situations, the sooner one accepts it and moves on the better.  I am human, so I am curious.  Why someone chooses to just disappear?

“Potential,” I said, “doesn’t mean a thing. You’ve got to do it. Almost every baby in a crib has more potential than I have.” ― Charles Bukowski

I find disappearing acts childish and immature.  One minute the guy is all over you professing his love, the next he is gone. Not a word.  Strange, weird, but all too common lately.

When people disappear for no reason, with no explanation, I always thank my guardian angels.  I credit them for removing from my life something that would not be good for me in the long run.  I wholeheartedly believe in that. He is still a nice guy, but for somebody else.

I firmly believe that everything that happens in my life is for the best. Sometimes, it may not seem that way at the moment, but ultimately, I am better off.  So, I embrace it all as a gift from above. Disappearing acts included.

And for the disappearing guy I have a poem:

I have more people to meet, stocks to buy,

so thank you for not wasting my time with a good bye.

“Passion creates, addiction consumes.” ― Gabor Maté

And speaking of stocks to buy, I am staging my own intervention.  I have been very busy at work, but whatever little extra time I have I find myself doing something stock related. It seems that, momentarily, I have traded men for stocks.

Dating sites were a distraction from the busyness of work and the craziness of life.  Now tracking stocks is my distraction of choice.

It has been just 2 months since I have started playing the stock market and I already feel the need to reign in my buying compulsion. I have all kinds of stocks, from big well-known ones to obscure niche ones.  From weed growers to bitcoin mining.  I am going crazy.

“This is how we bring about our own damnation, you know-by ignoring the voice that begs us to stop. To stop while there’s still time.” ― Stephen King

It is a lot like gambling and also like treasure hunting. Can I find the next stock that is going to blow up and make me an overnight millionaire?

Of course not.  I know better.  Still, I play.

My addictive personality is addicted to lure of making it big. In the same way I am addicted to the potential of meeting The One in dating sites.  I am addicted to the potential in things.

Because I am addicted to the potential, I look for the good in everything.  I give people and things extra chances. I overdo it.  I overstay.  I keep the door open.

I want to find the needle in the haystack, the diamond among the sea of cubic zirconia.

Hi, my name is Ana and I am an addict!

“Anything that inspires addiction or obsession – substances, entertainment, beauty, secrecy – is dangerous in that it can lead to isolation, self-absorption, and disconnection, to paralyzed stasis: an immobility that gathers like a force.” ― Greg Carlisle

Momentarily foggy, but not lost

23 Wednesday Dec 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Dating, Finding Me

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“Love is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone – we find it with another.” ― Thomas Merton

I had a date on Saturday night.  He is 52 yrs old, never married, no kids and works in financial services.  He is very similar to me in a lot areas.  It was like I was meeting an old friend.  We talked and laughed non-stop.  He was the consummate gentleman. 

We will probably go on a second date, but I am not sure about chemistry.  I know we could be great as friends, but I am not sure if there are enough sparks for anything else.  We shall see…

“It really boils down to this: that all life is interrelated. We are all caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tired into a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects one destiny, affects all indirectly.” ― Martin Luther King Jr

In the meantime, I have been a little out of sorts the past few days.  I have been unable to complete any tasks.  I started at least 5 different blog posts and was unable to finish any of them.  Fingers crossed I finish this one.

I imagine I am not the only one going through this feeling of imbalance and uncertainty.  Never in a million years I expected this Covid-19 nightmare to last this long.  Now they are talking about this new virus mutation… what next?

Can someone please wake me up from this sci-fi nightmare? When will I be able to fly to Brazil and see my parents?  The fact that I cannot travel at will is really doing a number on me. 

My usual sense of urgency is on asteroids.  I keep thinking that I am wasting time and feeling unproductive.  The worst part is that instead of acting/doing, I feel frozen and without direction.

“Don’t underestimate the power of vision and direction. These are irresistible forces, able to transform what might appear to be unconquerable obstacles into traversable pathways and expanding opportunities. Strengthen the individual. Start with yourself. Take care with yourself. Define who you are. Refine your personality. Choose your destination and articulate your Being. As the great nineteenth-century German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche so brilliantly noted, “He whose life has a why can bear almost any how.”  ― Jordan B. Peterson

I am well aware that I have no reason to complain or to feel anything other than blessed.  So please just ignore this momentarily loss of myself, purpose and meaning.  I guess in writing this I want to say that it is okay not to feel 100% happy 100% of the time. 

The key for me is to remember that unhappy moments come and go.  Nothing lasts forever, good or bad.  I have to learn to cope with those “in-between” moments without overdosing on sugar.

Thanks heavens that I do have healthier coping mechanisms.  My number 1 go to feel better action is to do a mental Gratitude list.  By number 3 on the list I am already feeling better.  There is so much for me to be grateful for.  This is an endless list.

“You can only find out what you actually believe (rather than what you think you believe) by watching how you act. You simply don’t know what you believe, before that. You are too complex to understand yourself.” ― Jordan B. Peterson

The second thing I do that helps to ground and center me is to stop throughout the day and recite the H’onoponopono mantra to myself: I am sorry.  Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.  

Psychology Today describes Ho’oponopono as: The Hawaiian word ho’oponopono comes from ho’o (“to make”) and pono (“right”). The repetition of the word pono means “doubly right” or being right with both self and others. In a nutshell, ho’oponopono is a process by which we can forgive others to whom we are connected.

“We cannot live only for ourselves. A thousand fibers connect us with our fellow men; and among those fibers, as sympathetic threads, our actions run as causes, and they come back to us as effects.” ― Herman Melville

Ho’oponopono is a Hawaiian spiritual practice and literally means to “Set things right’. My simplistic view is that I am responsible for my actions, even if unintentional.  Without realizing, I hurt others. I become disconnected, I let my ego appear and be in charge.  Past mistakes continue to permeate through my life now and cause imbalance and create negative feelings. By asking for forgiveness and expressing gratitude, to no one in particular, but to everyone, I take accountability for my actions and I connect to others. 

“We are like islands in the sea, separate on the surface but connected in the deep.” ― William James

When I say I’M SORRY, I acknowledge my errors, my part in anything wrong that happened to me and to others in the past.

When I say FORGIVE ME, I accept my role in those errors and I ask for forgiveness for my part in all. I recognize that I am responsible for everything I touch.

“Whatever is rejected from the self, appears in the world as an event.”
― Carl Gustav Jung

When I say THANK YOU, I show gratitude to all, to my ancestors, to myself.  I am grateful for everything, big and small. I am grateful to all.

When I say I LOVE YOU, I spread love to the world. I am in love with myself and with everything around me. I am in love with all the Universe presents me.

To you, today: I’m sorry, Forgive-me, Thank You, I love You! ♥♥♥

“Be drunk with Love, for Love is all that Exists”- Rumi

 

 

 

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Say What?

30 Monday Nov 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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“Our hearts are not stones. A stone may disintegrate in time and lose its outward form. But hearts never disintegrate. They have no outward form, and whether good or evil, we can always communicate them to one another.” ― Haruki Murakami

and then there were none…

Date update: The Renter is history. After saying he would never go silent again, he did.  I let it go. I know that if I said hello he would start chatting again, but what is the point?  He is clearly not interested and by now neither am I.

The Swiss is also making it clear that he is not interested.  He will respond if I reach out but he is never the one to make contact anymore.  I lost interest in even trying to cultivate a friendship. 

“A wonderful fact to reflect upon, that every human creature is constituted to be that profound secret and mystery to every other.” ― Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities

That brings me to The Enigma. After showering me with poems, songs, and tons of promises of an amazing fairytale, I noticed some distance in the communication.  I reached out a couple of times, but then decided to let it go and see what would happen. 

 After 2 days of silence I got the below text. After some reflection I replied 1 hour later.

“I am larger, better than I thought; I did not know I held so much goodness.
All seems beautiful to me.
Whoever denies me, it shall not trouble me;
Whoever accepts me, he or she shall be blessed, and shall bless me.”
― Walt Whitman

What am I supposed to respond? Of course I wanted details.  I also wanted to help him.  But at this point it seems the Universe if giving me an out so I better take it and don’t question it.

I guess by now, after years of online dating, nothing should surprise me anymore, but people always do.  His text was baffling.  I knew he was dealing with a painful leg injury.  He was shot in an attempted robbery last year.  But apparently there is much more than that. What happened to all the promises of a beautiful relationship?

Some of what he had told me was hard for me to belief because it was so foreign to my simple 9 to 5 work life.  It seemed the stuff that war and spy movies are made of. At one point I mentioned to him that his stories seemed fake, and if they were true that I didn’t know if I could handle it.  Every time we spoke I bombarded him with questions.  I wanted to understand what was in store if we embarked in a future together.  Perhaps he got tired of the interrogation even though he said he was an open book and seemed to welcome all my questions.

“You know there’s no such thing as a complete lie. There’s always some truth in there.” ― David Levithan

He said that he had been in some war conflicts, even getting shot and saving someone’s life by carrying them to safety.  He mentioned being part of a Ranger Regiment.  He said that he was currently involved in strategy with a mercenary company in Russia.  He is partners in dozens of businesses in the US and a couple overseas.  There was a lot he mentioned but I rather keep things somewhat vague here, so I am leaving off the actual names of the companies and certain specific details.  

He had also been a teacher, ran free medical clinics, volunteered at pet shelters, paid for college for a few students, paid for prison commissary for others, among other various things.  He seemed to have lived so many lives.  It was hard not be in awe.

He never seemed annoyed and always seemed willing to try to explain his world to me.  He wanted to assure me that I had no reason to fear him.  He sent me links to news writings and YouTube videos about the military companies in Russia he was currently involved in and the Ranger Regiments he had been in.  

Some of the information he sent me did demystify some aspects of it while others made me even more concerned. 

“Much unhappiness has come into the world because of bewilderment and things left unsaid.” ― Fyodor Dostoevsky

He said he was planning to go back to school next year and complete another degree. He said he wanted to leave the past behind and that made me happy.

I still think that he was a nice person with a good heart.  I never met anyone so caring and that acted so gentlemanly towards me.  I will miss the smart conversations and the infinite possibilities that being with him held.  I never met anyone so knowledgeable about everything, specially history, art and literature.

I spent some time trying to understand the meaning of his text but some things I will never understand,  He could have called me.  I would not have talked him out of anything.  We talked about being friends no matter what.  It is disappointing that it ends with a text.  I guess he will forever be The Enigma. I will never know if the things that he has told me were true or perhaps just an exaggeration. 

I owe him and the Universe a huge thanks for making the situation clear cut for me.  I no longer have to decide if I can or cannot handle his past and whatever issues he has. I chose kindness with my reply and I believe in my heart that he chose kindness with his text.

I will miss feeling like a muse and princess.  And the search for my prince continues…

“I am constantly trying to communicate something incommunicable, to explain something inexplicable, to tell about something I only feel in my bones and which can only be experienced in those bones. Basically it is nothing other than this fear we have so often talked about, but fear spread to everything, fear of the greatest as of the smallest, fear, paralyzing fear of pronouncing a word, although this fear may not only be fear but also a longing for something greater than all that is fearful.” ― Franz Kafka

 

 

a Prince? a frog? neither, just a dream!

23 Monday Nov 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Dating

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“The sign of intelligence is that you are constantly wondering. Idiots are always dead sure about every damn thing they are doing in their life.” ― Jaggi Vasudev

I was awake at 4 am Googling the meaning of dreaming about frogs.

In the dream I am sitting at my desk at home watching movies one after another.  In all of the movies there were frogs.  In the last movie there was Tom Hanks biting the head off a frog.   I thought to myself: Why am I watching A Fish Called Wanda again?

Who knows why I thought Tom Hanks was in that movie, or perhaps I thought it was A Frog called Wanda. I never saw the movie but I know that Tom Hanks was not in it.

Right after watching Tom Hanks bite the head of the frog I looked down at my desk and there were 2 small frogs.  A dark green one stretched out as if dead and a bright green one happy smiling at me.

“Every moment there are a million miracles happening around you: a flower blossoming, a bird tweeting, a bee humming, a raindrop falling, a snowflake wafting along the clear evening air. There is magic everywhere. If you learn how to live it, life is nothing short of a daily miracle.”― Sadhguru

I thought: how strange and I smiled back at the smiling one.  The strangest thing was that I was not afraid of them at all.  Then I woke up.

According to one website, dreaming about frogs is a positive thing, it generally means transformation, rebirth.  I like that.  I stopped searching before I encountered anything negative. 

I am also coming up with my own meaning.  I have always been afraid of frogs.  Growing up in an area where they tended to appear I was always on the lookout for them.  My fear was that one would jump on me.  I am seeing this dream as my inner child making peace with the things that scared me in the past, and still scare me. 

“The fear is simply because you are not living with life, You are living in your mind.” ― Sadhguru

There is also the fairytale meaning of frogs becoming princes.  I have been dating an endless list of frogs lately.  They all come full of promise but never stick around long enough to become the prince.

Actually it is more the other way around.  They come in looking like a prince and then they turn into a frog.

The best thing is that I finally can honestly say without any reservation: I don’t care.  Come or go, just don’t block the door.  It feels great not giving a frog’s (well, rat’s) behind about what anyone says or does.

“If you resist change, you resist life.”― Sadhguru Jaggi Vasudev

I find myself more and more perfectly content with the present moment.  I am okay with men that come full of promises, but fail to deliver.   Nothing changes when a man that promised me the world delivers nothing.  Nothing.  It just means that they are not the one. It is all a part of this wonderful thing called My Life.

In a weird way, to me it means I am getting closer and closer.

I don’t lose faith in mankind and love.  My heart doesn’t grow cold and solid.  These are all experiences that contribute to my beauty, to my story.  I have to take the bad with the good.  I have to embrace it all.  It doesn’t mean that accept less than I deserve or bad treatment.  It just means that whatever they do or don’t do have no bearing in me and my emotions.

 “I am not talking about you being a spectator, I am talking about involvement. I am talking about involving yourself into life in such a way that you dissolve into it.” ― Sadhguru Jaggi Vasudev

This growth means making sure that I am being fully present every single time.  It means not giving up.  It means feeling amazing every time no matter the outcome.  It is all within me and nothing from the outside.

I am still me.  I am still amazing and still open minded and with an open heart ready for the next adventure.  Will the next one be the one?  Will he be a prince or a frog?  Who knows?  I know that I will certainly continue trying and continue being grateful for meeting new frogs, I mean, people.

“When pain, misery, or anger happen, it is time to look within you, not around you.”   ― Sadhguru