“Between what is said and not meant, and what is meant and not said, most of love is lost.” – Kahlil Gibran

This is a very quick update, as I am swamped at work, but still want to relate how things are or aren’t with P and I. So please forgive typos and grammar errors.

I think P is playing some kind of head game that I am not aware of. I love games so I wish guys would tell me what game they are playing so I can play too, and hopefully win it, as I am very competitive.

He was all into me in the beginning. He pretty much said that he would move mountains to see me. He was making promises of trips we would take. He already talked about the need to reserve a romantic restaurant for Valentine’s Day and let’s not forget the tickets to the Opera that he already bought.

So what is a girl to think? That he is into me, right?

The best part is that I was into him too. Other than him being on the quieter side and the kissing not being exactly stellar it seemed promising. It was the first time in a long time that I was into someone that was into me.

Then all of a sudden he seemed distant and uninterested. The calling and texting got few and far between. I still texted and mentioned that I missed him, but slowly I was getting a picture of someone that was not that into me.

I figured I should keep an open mind. This is the very beginning, people get busy, people have different communication styles, etc. But still something felt off.

All of a sudden over one week has gone by and we haven’t seen each other. This from a guy that said he doesn’t mind driving. He works from home most of the days and makes his own hours so there is really nothing stopping him from seeing me.

He kept mentioning another date but never scheduling it. I felt like he kept dangling a carrot in front of me…not a feeling I enjoy.

On Friday night I told him that he didn’t seem interested anymore and he said it was not that at all. He mentioned perhaps we would go to dinner on Saturday night.

Saturday he was busy the whole day helping his son with home improvements and supposedly didn’t finish until very late.

Sunday nothing. He texted good morning, I replied, he went silent. Later on I inquired about his day and he replied with: “good, thanks”.

Yesterday (Monday) he sent me as text: “Good morning. Was wondering what your schedule looks like this week. Maybe we can go out to dinner if you like”

I replied: “I would like that. Free any evening this week”

He replied: “ok”

I figured next time I hear from him it is him scheduling a date, but instead this morning I get this:

“Hey. Haven’t heard from you so just saying hi”.

Perhaps I should have just played along and said hi. Instead I did what I keep telling myself that I am not going to. I told him how confused I was with that 1 sentence. I told him that I actually thought I needed to give him space as I was the one always texting and telling him I missed him. I told him that I thought I was even being annoying with my texting.

He said: “It is not annoying but we can at least say hello even if we are busy”

I reminded him that he said to me on the second date not to hurt him and that his actions, or lack thereof, was hurtful.

We exchanged a few more texts that were full of misunderstandings that ended with him saying: “Everything is good just been busy”

A man (or woman) is never busy when they want something. Everyone can find a second for a text even if it is in the middle of the night.

Because I cannot let things just be, I texted: “Can you talk for a couple of minutes?”

I actually didn’t even know what I was going to say, but this back and forth texting gets extremely annoying after a while.

After 10 minutes he said he could, so I called him. I told him exactly how I feel.  Exactly what I wrote here. That I think he is playing games even though he says he is not. I said his actions are not in line with his words.

I was nice but direct. My effort always is to avoid miscommunication. I can be wrong, perhaps he is not playing games, but that is what I am seeing and feeling. I said “it is me, not you”. And it is. My mistake is being me. Many people would be okay with this way of communicating and dating, but not me.

I am not sure he understood me. All he kept saying is that he had been busy, but he likes me and wants to see me, and that he is was very sorry. He seems to tell me what he thinks I want to hear. He said he didn’t schedule anything yet because with his schedule being so flexible he could work around my schedule so he wanted to know when I was free.

What? Can he hear himself? I told him I am free and he is still not scheduling anything. Perhaps instead of saying I was free the entire week I should have just mentioned one or 2 days. I gave him too many options. I was too available.

I told him that perhaps what he liked was the thrill of the chase and I ended that when I said I liked him and made myself available.  I opened my heart, but that shouldn’t be news to him as I wear my heart on the sleeve anyway.

After a few more minutes, we said good bye. I hung up the phone as confused as ever. I don’t know if I ever had a conversation that was more meaningless than this one. We arrived nowhere. I don’t even think he understood me. I am drained. I am have no energy for this drama.

“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” – George Bernard Shaw

So, will I ever see P. again? I don’t know. I know that he still hasn’t scheduled anything. I know that every minute that goes by and he doesn’t schedule anything my desire to see him is diminishing.

All I know is that this, whatever this is, cannot survive if we are to continue to communicate in this way. If it is this difficult in the beginning what happens later on when real problems arise.

I am a talker, he is not. I thought we would balance each other out. I thought that because of our differences we would complement each other. Now I think our difference are just too big to work.

When someone is showing you who they are, believe it. Don’t make excuses. I am going along thinking that our conversations will improve, that he will be more open, but what if it never does. Can I live like this?

NO! I would be eternally frustrated.

I know in my heart something is off. I don’t know what it is exactly. There is something he is not telling me.

At the end of the day it is not a question of who is wrong or right.  He is a great person that will probably be a better fit for someone else.

It is a question of how much you want something and how much are you willing to put up with to get it. I don’t want him that much to continue to feel this way. Feeling in limbo annoys me. I like things that are defined, understood, agreed upon. I like directness. I like aggressive and not passive.

Lesson here: I don’t know! Perhaps you guys can tell me.

I see tons of mistakes on my part. Instead of telling him that I was free the entire week, I should have just mentioned one evening and that was it. I should have continued speaking to other guys instead of focusing only on him. I was too available, too honest, just too much. He actually says I am a ball of fire.

I know some of my friends here will tell me that I need to relax, take it easy, and have no expectations. It is all true I need to do that. But I also see it from another angle, I want to be with a man that will show me that I am important, that will not make empty promises, one that will follow through on his words.  I want to have expectations of someone and him of me. Expectation is not such a bad word.

If I expect nothing I will be happy with the little I get? I deserve and want more.

I am trying to change and slowly I am. I don’t want to change to fit is somebody’s world. I want to change to become a better version of myself. I am changed in the sense that I really don’t care at this moment if we are going on another date or not. In the past this would make me sad, disappointed, I would be crushed. Not anymore. I know that the Universe is on my side and whatever happens is for my benefit. I know that everything is teaching me and I always end up better than when I started.

So much for a quick update. Got run, work beckons. No, actually work screams and demands.