Author Archives: A Star on the Forehead

The beautiful mosaic of life

27 Thursday Aug 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me, Mosaic and other crafts

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“Life has its ups and downs. When you are up, enjoy the scenery. When you are down, touch the soul of your being and feel the beauty.” – Debasish Mridha

I am sorry I haven’t written in awhile.  I have been busier than usual with tons of work deadlines and I also have been going out more than usual.  But the real culprit is my lack of energy and less than optimal mood.  Some days I am struggling to be upbeat.

There is no need to worry, I am still smiling and enjoying life.  It is just a downturn on that journey full of ups and downs that we call life.  How boring would life be if there were no ups and downs? BORING!!

I am having some issues with my tenant and some other issues that I think are contributing to bringing me down.  My hip and clavicle continue to prevent me from exercising the way I want.  Lately, health-wise, it seems that if it is not one thing it is another.  I am happy to report though that the vertigo feelings are gone! (Thank you Tom for the recommendation!)

“If we do not have the depths, how do we have the heights? Yet you fear the depths, and do not want to confess that you are afraid of them. It is good, though, that you fear yourselves; say it out loud that you are afraid of yourselves. It is wisdom to fear oneself.” ― C.G. Jung

All the issues that are bothering me aren’t really that important in the grand scheme of things.   I am able to appreciate that at times such as this, my body, mind, and soul are crying for help.  They are telling me that I need to stop, pay attention and make some changes.  I need to acknowledge that.

It is time to recharge, to redo, to rethink.  Why am I letting situations affect my mood.  Happiness has always been a choice for me.  I need to remember that.

Life is a mosaic, with good parts and not so good parts all working together to make us a whole beautiful artwork. Broken pieces of anything can be put together and create something beautiful! There is no perfection in mosaic, but there is beauty! 

“Climb up the stairs cheerfully, climb down the stairs cheerfully! Let your mind be unaffected by the ups and downs of life!”― Mehmet Murat ildan

It is important that I know and acknowledge that I am blessed beyond belief.  My list of blessings are endless.

This downturn is also a way the Universe uses to prevent me from becoming too complacent, too comfortable.  It is amazing what and how much we get used to, even pain and discomfort can often become the norm.  I keep learning to live with body pain instead of addressing it more effectively. 

This not so optimal phase is a wake up call.

I am feeling down, but life continues to be full, and getting fuller by the minute,  I am doing my mosaics, eating out often, and going on adventures.  Saturday was mosaic studio and a night with the girls. Sunday was the beach. The smile is sometimes forced but it is still a smile 🙂

As far as dating I haven’t given it too much time but I been exchanging messages with a few guys.  I have also been exchanging texts with someone I didn’t meet yet, but I see so much potential.  Finger crossed.  More to come.

I leave you with my latest mosaic project.  Another table.  I still have to paint it, but I am holding off on that for now.  I think I will eventually open a craft shop called “Tables or Us” 😉

Fun, sun and won some!

13 Thursday Aug 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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“Tomorrow is tomorrow.
Future cares have future cures,
And we must mind today.”
― Sophocles

Another weekend is around the corner and I didn’t even have a chance to write about the last one, so here we go:  My sister and I  went again to Foxwoods Casino.  This time we brought along another friend that had never been there before.  She was tired of being locked in for so long.

I think I will be going to Foxwoods more often.  They give me free hotel rooms and I am just 10 minutes from Mystic, CT and 20 minutes from the beaches in Rhode Island.  Plus, I have a friend in Westerly, RI that we like visiting.  She knows the ins and outs in the area and loves to show us around.

This time we played the slots, spent time sightseeing, ate delicious meals, laughed a lot and, most importantly, we forgot all our troubles for that weekend.  We came back renewed and with plans to travel more.

“It is difficult to live in and enjoy the moment when you are thinking about the past or worrying about the future.  No amount of regretting can change the past, and no amount of worrying can change the future.”― Roy Bennett

Here are some pictures:

View from Andrea Seaside Restaurant

Drinks from Guy Fieri’s restaurant. One is Guido’s Freaky Tiki (Bacardi 8, Passion Fruit & Tiki Sour), and the other is Tattooed Mojito (Bumbu Tropical Rum, Strawberry & mint, Lime Simple)

Misquamicut Beach, Rhode Island

I won 1K in a slot machine.

After treating my sister and a couple of friends to meals at Andrea Restaurant, Guy Fieri’s Kitchen and Hash House I made $1,000.00 in a slot machine.  I believe it was the Universe paying me back.  In the end when all was said and done I had a free weekend. The casino comped the room, and the slot win was enough to pay for all I spent (gas, gambling, meals, etc).

Below, not related to anything, it is a music video I enjoy.  I love when singers from different countries sing together.  Below is Ivete Sangalo from Brazil and Alejandro Sanz from Spain.

 

 

More patience, less anger!

07 Friday Aug 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Finding Me

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“I am awfully greedy; I want everything from life. I want to be a woman and to be a man, to have many friends and to have loneliness, to work much and write good books, to travel and enjoy myself, to be selfish and to be unselfish… You see, it is difficult to get all which I want. And then when I do not succeed I get mad with anger.”― Simone de Beauvoir

I have been frustrated and angry.  Angry with people. Angry at the world. Angry at myself.  I wrote a post about it.  I took a break from it, came back and re-read it.  I wanted to throw up.

It was all about me wallowing in self pity.  It was this long list of complaints. I went on and on about people not being fair to me and the fact that I cannot do anything at the moment.  It was me being sad, angry and feeling powerless.  

“The best fighter is never angry.” – Lao Tzu

Since when did I become that person? I refuse to allow myself to be down in the dumps. I refuse to be angry without action.  Just being angry solves nothing, just eats me up inside.

Do I have a cause to be annoyed and complain?  Yes, I do.  But what will I accomplish if I let myself go down that rabbit hole called anger?  I fear never coming out of it. 

Whatever I am facing now I have to learn to live with it for the time being.  It is not the “punching it in the face” time yet.  Time and time again I am being taught patience and reminded that it is not my timing, but the divine timing. There is a right time for everything.

“Never respond to an angry person with a fiery comeback, even if he deserves it…Don’t allow his anger to become your anger.”― Bohdi Sanders

I will do now what I do best. I am going to count my blessings, of which I have so many.  I will start making a list, not of everything that is going wrong as I was doing before, but all that is going right.  Making a list of all my blessings helps put me in the right frame of mind.

It reminds me of how truly blessed I really am.

“Don’t waste your time in anger, regrets, worries, and grudges. Life is too short to be unhappy.”― Roy T. Bennett

As I deleted that post and embarked upon writing this one I received a message from my brother.  He is one of those people the you hate, but love, that will send you memes, jokes, prayers, songs, anything.  He sent me the video below. 

I thought the message couldn’t be more timely and appropriate for me: Let it be!

The problems, the anger, all the issues that are making me sad, sick, and keeping me awake at night I am going to just let it all be.  I am going to put it all aside until the right time to deal with it.  Chances are that they will resolve themselves before then.

I am not one to let problems sit still, but Kabbalah taught me that some of my actions are really overreactions and knee jerk responses that only bring about more pain and chaos.

I now try to let a problem be still and marinate before attacking it.  Taking that time beween problem and action helps me see things clear and deal with the problem with the right amount of attention and force.

“Anybody can become angry — that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way — that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.”― Aristotle

Until I am ready to deal with the problem why should I let all that is annoying me and ailing me take away my sanity and energy?   I refuse to do it.

These times haves been a struggle for everyone.  It seems that there is one problem after another, but such is life – a succession of challenges. 

In my now deleted post I mentioned needing peace and wisdom.  We all do!  But what I sometimes fail to remember is that those are all within in me  They are my core.  I just have to connect to it. 

I will not find those outside. Peace is within me and happiness is a choice.  Those abstract concepts makes so much sense to me. That knowledge is both powerful and freeing. I can assert for sure that I am at peace and I am happy.  No matter what!

“Letting go gives us freedom, and freedom is the only condition for happiness. If, in our heart, we still cling to anything – anger, anxiety, or possessions – we cannot be free.”― Thich Nhat Hanh

oh, and about that list of everything that is going right in my life, it is just too long! It is becoming a very long list that deserves it’s own post but for starters:

  1. I am alive
  2. I am going away for the weekend

  • Wishing you a blessed weekend!

    • We are loved, we are love, so let’s act like it!

    01 Saturday Aug 2020

    Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Finding Me

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    “The rain to the wind said,
    You push and I’ll pelt.’
    They so smote the garden bed
    That the flowers actually knelt,
    And lay lodged–though not dead.
    I know how the flowers felt.”
    ―     Robert Frost

    I saw these 4 lines below somewhere (I wish I remembered where so I could credit them). For some reason it stayed with me. I liked the simplicity of it.

    Que o vento leve,                                                                                                Que a chuva lave,                                                                                              Que a alma brilhe e                                                                                            Que o coraçao acalme.

    My attempt at translating it:

    May the wind take,                                                                                             May the rain wash,                                                                                             May the soul shine and                                                                                      May the heart be calm.

    “The breath of life is in the sunlight and the hand of life is in the wind.”― Kahlil Gibran

    Those 4 lines re-energizes me.  It gives me the idea of rebirth and the idea that we can always turn things around with just a change in attitude.  Fortunately,  often, all it takes is to stop, take a breath and make the decision to see things with new eyes.

    All of a sudden, a problem is not a problem, is an opportunity.

    “Not knowing when the dawn will come
    I open every door.”
    ― Emily Dickinson

    Let each gust of wind take away all that is bad and no longer useful. Let the wind bring you good energy and all that is useful for your improvement.  Invite the winds of change in.   Embrace it.

    Let the rain wash away your troubles and worries.  Be unburdened and light as a feather.

    “Inside us there is something that has no name, that something is what we are.” ― José Saramago

    Let your inner self shine through, and illuminate all those around you.  It is not only about you.  It is about everyone and everything you touch.  Let all interactions be positive and fruitful.  Be better and make others better.

    “When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy.”
    ― Rumi

    Let you heart be at peace.  Don’t burden it unnecessarily.  Give it space, listen to it and nurture it.  It will nurture you back!

    I hope everyone has a blessed weekend!

     

    You Are Loved (Don’t Give Up)

    Josh Groban
    Don’t give up
    It’s just the weight of the world
    When your heart’s heavy
    I, I will lift it for you
    Don’t give up
    Because you want to be heard
    If silence keeps you
    I, I will break it for you
    Everybody wants to be understood
    Well, I can hear you
    Everybody wants to be loved
    Don’t give up
    Because you are loved
    Don’t give up
    It’s just the hurt that you hide
    When you’re lost inside
    I, I’ll be there to find you
    Don’t give up
    Because you want to burn bright
    If darkness blinds you
    I, I will shine to guide you
    Everybody…

    Still dizzy… and still hopeful

    30 Thursday Jul 2020

    Posted by in Daily Life

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    “Where there is ruin, there is hope for a treasure.”― Rumi

    https://atomic-temporary-33385295.wpcomstaging.com/2020/07/03/intermittent-fasting-yea-or-nay/

    After I wrote the above post regarding Intermittent Fasting I decided to start eating breakfast again to see if that would have any effect on the vertigo symptoms.  The symptoms had already lessened a lot by then, but I needed to know for sure if IF was the cause.   

    Stopping the fasting seemed to have no effect.  I continued to have good days and bad days. I did gain a few pounds back 😦

    On Sunday I woke up very dizzy but still managed to shower and go to the mosaic studio.  I was excited to be going back to finish a table I started months ago.  It was over 95 degrees outside.  The instructor set up a tent outside and put up a couple of fans.  She is also only having 2 people at a time.   I stayed only 2 hours because I was still not feeling right.    

    I got home, went to bed and slept for a couple of hours.  I got up like a new person.  Then we went out eat at El Barrio in Scarsdale again.  This time it was not as good as prior times.  The waiter got the order wrong and the drinks were poorly made.  

    On Monday morning when I woke up and turned my head in bed, the room started spinning much faster than usual and I immediately felt nauseous as if I was about to vomit.  I didn’t, and slowly got to a seated position, then slowly got up and went on with my day.

    I was very unsteady on my feet but went to work anyway because I am dumb like that.  I was useless since I couldn’t move my head or pay attention to anything.  I went back home at noon and slept the entire afternoon.  

    I started taking Claritin (for allergies) and Bonine (for motion sickeness).  That drug combination and rest seemed to help.  I got the name of an Otologist/Neurotologit that a friend went to but I haven’t called him yet.  He may help by doing some head movements/adjustments, but I am afraid of having my neck adjusted.  

    I think I may have something very common but so annoying called: Benign paroxysmal positional vertigo (BPPV).  I have now started to sleep with lots of pillows to prop my head up.  It helps with the dizziness but now my back is complaining.

    Some days I feel like a million dollar and on others I am just a beautiful blessed mess.

    “Whenever I find myself growing grim about the mouth;
    whenever it is a damp, drizzly November in my soul;
    whenever I find myself involuntarily pausing before coffin warehouses,
    and bringing up the rear of every funeral I meet;
    and especially when my hypos get such an upper hand of me,
    that it requires a strong moral principle to prevent me from deliberately stepping into the street, and methodically knocking people’s hats off-
    then, I account it high time to get to a bookstore as soon as I can.
    That is my substitute for the pistol and ball.”
    ― Herman Melville, Moby Dicka beautiful mess lyrics

    Bad grammar? me? I?

    25 Saturday Jul 2020

    Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Dating

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    “The way to happiness: Keep your heart free from hate, your mind from worry. Live simply, expect little, give much. Scatter sunshine, forget self, think of others. Try this for a week and you will be surprised.”― Norman Vincent Peale

    I was unsure about G, but on Wednesday night he helped me make up my mind. 

    We were having dinner at Patsy’s Pizzeria. We had a nice table looking out to the marina.  Right at the start, before we had even ordered drinks, he said: “You are coming over to my apartment after”.

    I said: “What? No I am not!”

    We went back and forth like that for awhile.  I ultimately said that if he insisted I would call an Uber at the end of the evening.  He finally said: “ok, I know you asked me to slow down”.

    With that put to bed, no pun intended 😉 the conversation eventually made its way to work and finances.  At some point he said to me: “You make good money”.  I never told him how much I make so he was just assuming.  

    I replied: “Good is relative.  I probably should be making more for all that I do and the industry I am in, but I am not complaining.  I believe that, often, is not how much one makes but how much one spends.” 

    I have always lived below my means.  It affords me the peace of mind of having enough savings to deal with emergencies, such as my tenant not paying the rent for months as it is happening now.   

    I had started noticing by some of his comments on prior dates that he likes to compare the two of us.  He always seems to want to “one up” me in the financial area.  That is one game that he can play alone as I have no interest in competing with anyone in any area, specially financially.

    I think that he feels threatened by thinking that I am more successful than he is.  For the record, I never measure anyone in material terms.  I have noticed that he does.  He likes to say that he is making a lot money and that he drives a nice car and that his mortgage is paid up months ahead.  

    All of a sudden he turns to me and says: “I noticed that you make some English mistakes.  Can I correct you?’

    It came out of nowhere.  I said nothing for a few seconds while I tried to digest that statement and recover from the shock.  Eventually I said: “Do you mean my pronunciation or my grammar?” 

    He answered: “grammar”.  I expected him to say pronunciation. I will always have an accent.  At one point I was trying to get rid of it, but grew to accept it as just another thing that makes me special.

    I told him that I don’t mind being corrected and asked him to tell me what was the mistake I had just made.  He said he didn’t remember at the moment but there were several here and there.  I pressed him and he still couldn’t come up with anything.

    The issue for me is not if I make grammar mistakes or not.  You read my blog so you know I do make mistakes.  But who says that on a date with someone that they are supposedly trying to impress and get to know better?  I didn’t ask him for feedback on my English skills.  

    “Be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind. Talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet. Make all your friends feel there is something special in them. Look at the sunny side of everything. Think only the best, be as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own. – Norman Vincent Peale

    I think that he only said that to make me feel self-conscious because English is not my first language.  Perhaps I am wrong, but I think he is intimidated by me.  I think his perception of my “success” hurts his ego.  

    Or perhaps he was hurt because I turned down his offer to go to his apartment.   While I have no issues going to his apartment just to have a drink and talk, I do know that he would be all over me and I would have to be fending off his advances the whole time.  There is nothing I hate more than feeling pressured to do something.  The more someone insists the more I don’t want to do it and will not do it. 

    I am fine being corrected by someone doing it with the right intention.  I welcome it. That is not what  I felt in his words.  His comment only served to annoy me and show me that he is not the person for me.

    While not wanting to go out with someone because they mention “grammar mistakes” seems petty and lame,  that is my reason.  I perceived his comment as a futile attempt to put me down and hurt my ego. I don’t want to be someone that would act in such a way.

    Perhaps I am being extra sensitive but I have my reasons. He reminded me of someone I dated many many years ago.  He would criticize everything I said, did, wore, etc.  While I was in the middle of it I didn’t see what he was doing.  I thought he was trying to make me a better person.  He was not.  I am glad that I finally wised up. 

    To this day when I look back I can’t believe I put up with any of that.  I will never again.  I want someone that will lift me up and not try to create insecurities where none exist.   

    For the unnecessary comment and the pressure to get more intimate G is history once again.  I should have left him where he belongs: in the past!

    Forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future. Give everyone a smile. Spend so much time improving yourself that you have no time left to criticize others. Be too big for worry and too noble for anger.” ― Norman Vincent Peale

     

    Slow down, you move too fast…

    20 Monday Jul 2020

    Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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    “Dinner is not what you do in the evening before something else. Dinner is the evening.”― Art Buchwald

    On Wednesday night G (the man I mentioned I dated 15 years ago), my sister and I went to Turquoise, a Turkish restaurant in Larchmont, NY.  The food and service were impeccable.  We all shared zucchini pancakes and shrimp (they did, I don’t eat shellfish). For the entree my sister and I had grilled fish with spinach and rice.  G had lamb with couscous.  I had rose wine, my sister had a bay breeze cocktail and G had a Turkish beer.

    G and my sister got along well.  We were joking and laughing the entire evening. After dinner he drove us home.  My sister offered him some German chocolate cake and he accepted, so he came up to my apartment to have it.  I didn’t feel like already having him in my apartment but it was okay.  He sat and ate a couple of slices of cake, then left.

    My friend Mary from Rhode Island had baked the cake for her friend’s birthday but because the cake fell apart she was too embarrassed to give it to her.  When we unexpectedly showed up in RI she offered it to me when I mentioned chocolate cake while we were having lunch.  It didn’t look pretty but it was delicious.  

    “It is not time or opportunity that is to determine intimacy;—it is disposition alone. Seven years would be insufficient to make some people acquainted with each other, and seven days are more than enough for others.” ― Jane Austen

    On Thursday night G and I went to the Cheesecake Factory in White Plains for dinner.  I had this bacon cheeseburger with sweet potatoes fries that was so yummy, I am dreaming about it now.  Their bread basket is just heavenly.

    I just need to start taking pictures of my food.  I keep forgetting 😦

    He wanted me to go to his apartment after dinner with some excuse that I needed to try peanut butter and jelly sandwich, something he eats daily.  I never had it before, and have no interest in starting it now.  I declined.  I feel he was disappointed since that was the best excuse he could come up with to have me in his apartment.  I care and yet don’t care about his disappointment.

    G asked me where I wanted to go on Saturday.  I mentioned that I hadn’t agreed to go out on Saturday.  I was honest with him about my feelings and wants, and really about not knowing exactly what I want.

    “As long as you keep secrets and suppress information, you are fundamentally at war with yourself…The critical issue is allowing yourself to know what you know. That takes an enormous amount of courage.”― Bessel A. van der Kolk

    I told him that I thought he is going too fast too soon.  He wants to go out every single day, and that is way too much.  I am a Horse in the Chinese horoscope, I don’t like fences or the feeling of being tie down.   Or perhaps the issue is that I am afraid of getting hurt.  Or hurting him.  Anytime someone seems to be all in the way he is I fear for their feelings.

    Or perhaps still, the issue is just that I don’t like him enough.  I think when I meet the right person there will not be “too much too soon”, there will not be hesitation, there will not be confusion.  

    He agreed to slow down and said:  “tell me if you want to go out on Saturday, or any other day”.  I said ok.

    I didn’t want to see him this weekend, but it turned into a very busy weekend anyway.  I went to the office on Saturday to have the new shades installed and catch up on a couple of things.  What was supposed to be a couple of hours went several hours.  For dinner we met a friend at The Colombian House in New Rochelle.  On Sunday we met  another friend for brunch at Chat 19 in Larchmont,  then we went shopping at Marshalls, my sister loves that store.  

    I have been going out more to local restaurants.  I am trying to help them out and leaving bigger tips.  We already have a lot vacant storefronts in my city I am hoping not have many more added to it.  Many small business will not be able to survive.

    Yesterday G. asked if I wanted to go out a night this week.  I said yes and that I would let him know which night.  I am thinking Thursday since that is my favorite night to go out.

    I really don’t know too much about G, other than he is way to eager to see me.  We only went out a few times 15 years ago.  I would like to be friends and get to know him slowly. But right at this moment if pressed for an answer I would say friendship over relationship. 

    “The power of getting to know one another is so immense, eclipsed only by first getting to know ourselves.”― Bryant McGill, Voice of Reason

     

    Masked or not, life is beautiful and full of wonder

    15 Wednesday Jul 2020

    Posted by in Daily Life

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    I am reading some of Carlos Castaneda’s writing and loving it.  I hope you enjoy all his quotes.

    “The aim is to balance the terror of being alive with the wonder of being alive.” -― Carlos Castaneda  

    This past weekend a young friend, 23 year old, was again visiting my sister and I for the weekend.  I think I mentioned her here before.  She is from Brazil and she came to the US right at the beginning of the quarantine.  She is leaving at the end of July so she hasn’t really seen much of New York.

    On Friday night I was contemplating where to take her on Saturday and Sunday.  

    I called Foxwoods casino and asked if they would give me a free room for Saturday night.  They said yes.  At one point I was going to the casino many times a year.  At that time the slots were very kind to me and I to them.  They gave me a lot and I made sure to leave it all behind 🙂   I had rooms, concerts, massages, etc, everything comped.  Even though I now go only once a year, if that, Foxwoods still gives me free rooms.

    “To seek freedom is the only driving force I know. Freedom to fly off into that infinity out there. Freedom to dissolve; to lift off; to be like the flame of a candle, which, in spite of being up against the light of a billion stars, remains intact, because it never pretended to be more than what it is: a mere candle.” ― Carlos Castaneda

    We left at 1pm on Saturday and drove 2 hours to Foxwoods in Connecticut.  Before getting to our final destination we stopped by another casino, Mohegan Sun, which is located 15 minutes before the Foxwoods.

    I wanted my friend to see how different the 2 casinos are, but I also wanted her to see Krispy Kreme donuts being made.  I haven’t had donuts in years.  I don’t like the donuts at Dunkin Donuts, so I only have it when I go to Krispy Kreme, and they are hard to find around here. I had a hot one right off of the fryer and it was divine!  After the donuts we had burgers from Bobby Flay’s burger place.  My friend is vegetarian so she had a grilled cheese.

    “You have little time left, and none of it for crap. A fine state. I would say that the best of us always comes out when we are against the wall, when we feel the sword dangling overhead. Personally, I wouldn’t have it any other way.”― Carlos Castaneda

    After that we went to Foxwoods to check in.  The room was okay, nothing special.  After checking the room out we went to the casino floor and played the slots a little.  Later we had some flat breads at Stone Creek Brewery.  Also good.

    The next morning we got up early and had Starbucks for breakfast.  We wanted either Einstein Bagels or Panera Bread but they were both still closed.  There weren’t very many restaurants open.

    Because we wanted my friend to try Dippin’ Dots ice cream we had to wait until the ice cream store opened at 11.  We passed the time by playing some slot machines. 🙂 no money was made but it was so much fun trying.

    “Think about it: what weakens us is feeling offended by the deeds and misdeeds of our fellow men. Our self-importance requires that we spend most of our lives offended by someone.” ― Carlos Castaneda

    After the ice cream we went to Mystic, CT.  It is such an awesome little town on the water.  I wanted to meet a friend that lives near by for lunch at some outdoor spot with water views.  The wait time for those tables were too long at all the restaurants so we settled for just sitting outside with no view.  We had lunch at an Italian Restaurant called Anthony J’s.  We had prosecco and all was delicious.  

    After that my friend Mary graciously took us around our city of Westerly, Rhode Island.  She knows all the secret spots and hidden ways that lead to the ocean.  oh, the ocean… the ocean was so amazing!  The sound, the smell, the energy, it is so re-energizing and reinvigorating. We just wanted to stay there watching.

    “In a world where death is the hunter, my friend, there is no time for regrets or doubts. There is only time for decisions.” -― Carlos Castaneda

    In my town we also have water, but it is the sound, calm water with no waves.  It doesn’t compare to the beauty and might of the ocean.  

    We stopped by the Watch Hill neighborhood, where Taylor Swift has her summer home. Of course, taking a picture with the house on the background was a hit with my young friend.  Her house is on the picture below.

    “The hardest thing in the world is for a warrior to let others be.” ― Carlos Castaneda

    On the way back we stopped by Dalton’s house. He lives in Black Rock in CT.  I wrote about him here.    https://atomic-temporary-33385295.wpcomstaging.com/2013/07/22/my-crazy-friend-dalton/ He graciously made us barbecued sirloin steak and this huge salad with all kinds of stuff in it.

    We got home at 10 pm exhausted but so happy for this great weekend of different views, tastes and company.

    Before you scold me, I promise you that we were as safe as possible.  Masks while indoors and often outdoors.  At the slot machines we also had gloves on, and we used hand sanitizing every 5 minutes.  Still I realize that we are putting ourselves at risk every time we leave our apartment, but at this point I honestly just want to get out.  

    “We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same.” ― Carlos Castaneda

    On another news, tonight I am taking my sister out to dinner and I invited G., who quickly jumped at the chance of meeting her.  He also made me agree to meet him for dinner again tomorrow just the 2 of us.

    If he had his way we would go dinner every night.  I want slow and steady instead of crash and burn.

    “Nobody knows who I am or what I do. Not even I.”― Carlos Castaneda

    I am still on a wait and see mode.  I am giving him a chance but also proceeding cautiously. I am in no hurry.

    “Anything is one of a million paths. Therefore you must always keep in mind that a path is only a path; if you feel you should not follow, you must not stay with it under any circumstances.”― Carlos Castaneda

    ps.  I will make more of an effort of taking more pictures.  Writing this post made me realize I should have more pictures and less words.  As they say, a picture is worth a 1000 words.

     

    Meant to be or not meant to be? That is the question!

    11 Saturday Jul 2020

    Posted by in Daily Life

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    “The past is never dead. It’s not even past.” ― William Faulkner

    Last night I went on a date with someone I dated 15 years ago!  yes, 15!!

    I was exchanging messages with a man on Match.  When he gave me his number and I Googled it was linked to an address.  The moment I saw the building where he lives it all clicked. I had been there! I think he cooked me dinner once.  I was shocked that I had forgotten his face, and everything else about him.

    He was a personal trainer at a gym that I worked out at 15 years ago.  He was friends with my trainer and that is how we met and started hanging out together.  I vaguely remember going to his apartment and also going to dinner with him as part of a group.

    “Just as a snake sheds its skin, we must shed our past over and over again.”
    ― Gautama Buddha

    When I realized that we knew each other, I immediately messaged him and told him. The moment I mentioned NY Sports Club it all came back to him.  I called my old trainer to see if they had kept in touch.  They had not, so I got them reconnected again.

    He mentioned that he liked me and wanted to keep seeing me and get serious but I didn’t want to.  So eventually he let it go.  I have been trying to remember why I didn’t want to continue seeing him.   I know I must have had a good reason but who knows.

    At that point I was fresh out of a 20 year relationship with my first boyfriend, so I probably didn’t want a relationship with anybody for no specific reason.

    “We leave something of ourselves behind when we leave a place, we stay there, even though we go away. And there are things in us that we can find again only by going back there.”― Pascal Mercier

    But later on a memory came to me of going to a bar in his town, White Plains.  We each had a drink and when the bill came we each paid separably.   I remember not feeling good about the situation, driving to meet him in another town and then having to pay for my own drink.   

    I actually said that to him last night.  He swears it was not him. I don’t know if it was him for sure.  It could easily have been somebody else.  That is also not the end of the world.

    I also probably offered to pay for my own drink at that time.  There was a time that I always offered then would be upset if they guy accepted.   I no longer offer.  That is too much like entrapment and game playing.  I am happy to see that I grew out of that.

    “When it comes to the past, everyone writes fiction.”― Stephen King

    At any rate, we had a nice dinner at the Mexican Restaurant near my home. For anyone curious about it.  New Rochelle entered phase IV of the reopening.  We can actually eat indoors at a restaurant but only at 50% capacity.  Last night there were only 2 tables occupied the entire evening.  I think it was because it was raining like cats and dogs, but it could have been because people are being cautious, as they should, and as I try but I still wanting to go out and do life as best and safe as I can.

    It was fun catching up and remembering one of the best times in my life.  I was in shape, free, life seem at my disposal.  Wait, still is!! I am so blessed to realize that.

    “You must learn some of my philosophy. Think only of the past as its remembrance gives you pleasure.”― Jane Austen

    He is 48 years old, handsome, in shape of course, being that he is a personal trainer, hard worker,  all around a good guy it seems.  He must have said at least 20 times how beautiful I am.  I am not joking. Among many other compliments.

    Is there such a thing as too many compliments?  I am ambivalent about that.

    He wants to get back to where we left off.  It would be a nice story of reconnecting after so many years, but I am thinking too much too soon.  Something is giving me pause and I am listening to that something.

    Perhaps what is giving me pause is the fact that I had struggled with living in the past and revisiting some not so healthy relationship, and I am now feeling triumphant about not being in touch with those guys that kept dragging me back. I talked about them here: https://atomic-temporary-33385295.wpcomstaging.com/2019/05/09/eliminating-the-distractions/

    I am all about making new mistakes. But am I overthinking this?  Here is a perfectly good guy and I want to run away.

    What changed?  He? me? the situation?

    “The past can’t hurt you anymore, not unless you let it.”― Alan Moore

    He wanted to go out to dinner tonight again, or tomorrow, or the day after, whenever I can.  I always feel overwhelmed when someone likes me too much.  I kept telling him last night: Patience is a virtue!

    He said that he had messaged me on Match in the past but I had ignored him.  I don’t remember that.  I try to be polite and reply to everyone even to just say no. There is the fact that I normally stay away from personal trainers thinking that they only want models as girlfriends. 

    So I will see him again but not sure I want to embark in a relationship. And if I am not sure then the answer should be no. 

    “He was still too young to know that the heart’s memory eliminates the bad and magnifies the good, and that thanks to this artifice we manage to endure the burden of the past.”― Gabriel García Márquez

     

    another day in online dating paradise

    07 Tuesday Jul 2020

    Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

    ≈ 55 Comments

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    “Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.”― Euripides

    The date that was canceled on June 26, was going to happen on July 3rd.  Key word: was.  I wanted to keep an open mind and give the guy a chance but in the end my instincts were right.  He was not worth the energy.

    On the day we were supposed to meet he said he wanted to bring his guitar and serenade me in my apartment after dinner.  He is a part time wedding singer.  When I said that the idea was nice and we could do it in the future he became a whiny 3 year old going on and on on why we couldn’t do it that night and how he was such a good guy.  

    Good guys wait, and don’t force situations or get annoyed when they hear a no.

    He said I was very distrustful. I said it was not a matter of trust since I don’t even know him. It is a matter of safety.  In the end I stopped trying to explain my view and just said:  “You don’t have to understand, you have to respect how I feel.  Since you can’t, let’s forget about it.”

    He called a couple more times trying to convince me to go through with the date and with the guitar playing.  Too late, I was done.  Trying to convince me of something when my mind is already made up just makes me more annoyed.

    In the end I just didn’t answer the phone anymore.

    “Respect for ourselves guides our morals; respect for others guides our manners” ― Laurence Sterne

    On Saturday I finally went on my first date since I have been back on Match.  While this person didn’t really give me a lot of hope I thought he would be a nice guy and we would have a nice time.

    I did have a nice time because I can make the best of almost anything.  He was kind and came bearing gifts: Hot sauce and dark chocolate.  He owns a food distributor.

    He was shorter, fatter and older than it was on his profile.  Nothing wrong with short, fat and old.  I just have a problem with false advertisement.  He was also more unavailable than I expected.  This one is my fault.  When I looked at his profile again it did say he was separated.  I missed that.  But even if I had seen that, I never expect someone to be living in the basement of the family home for the past 12 years while fighting over the house.  

    “Any fool can know. The point is to understand.” – Albert Einstein

    He has been waiting 12 years for his wife to decide what she wants. Among all that he mentioned, he said he doesn’t own a TV because the wife doesn’t want a TV in the house.   No matter how handsome, tall, young, slim and awesome someone is, there is no way that I can respect  or be with that complacent and spineless. 

    Even though I mostly felt sorry for him, I also got a bit annoyed that he expect women to be okay with that situation.  He said that the women of Match have a lot of expectations regarding relationships. 

    I said that I could only speak for myself and my only expectation was that someone looked like his pictures and was available to be in a relationship.   At which point he went back to telling me that he has been available for over 12 years and that he will force the wife to sell the house… I don’t think that even he was buying that.

    My advice to him, he didn’t ask but I volunteered, was: “get your life untangled first before you add another person to that dynamic.”

     He said that the right woman will understand.  I am not her! After dinner I wished him luck and we parted as friends.

    I also said to him to forget about the house and embrace freedom.  At this point he went back to talking about the grand plans he has for his business.  It seems he will continue fooling himself.

    “There are two questions a man must ask himself: The first is ‘Where am I going?’ and the second is ‘Who will go with me?’

    If you ever get these questions in the wrong order you are in trouble.”
    ― Sam Keen

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