Monthly Archives: March 2016

A river runs through me

26 Saturday Mar 2016

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This post below was written yesterday when I woke up overwhelmed.  Today is a new day, where the world makes sense again.  Today I got a massage in the morning, then lunch and shopping with a friend.  I had a delicious passion fruit mojito with my salmon lunch.  And let’s not forget the brownie cake chocolate and coconut cheesecake.

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“Whenever you are confronted with an opponent. Conquer him with love.” – Mahatma Gandhi

Today I woke up feeling strange. Not bad. Not great. Unsettled.

I don’t know why, the problems are the same. Am I weaker?

Perhaps is the milestone birthday around the corner.
50 is heavy, 50 is potent, 50 is too much, 50 doesn’t feel real.   I feel tired from so much already done and still I feel a sense of urgency from so much yet to do.

Perhaps it is the evil PMS.  An annoyance that reminds me of the beauty of being a woman.

Perhaps is the culmination of many stressful moments.  There is so much I can’t control at the moment.  So many people being unreasonable.  There are so many people I want to take by the shoulder and shake some sense into them.

My lack of control leaves me sedated.  I feel cold.  I feel as if there is ice water running through my veins instead of warm blood.

I realize this is a great chance to exercise the acceptance of people and facts, but today I can’t do it.  I choose instead to just accept the moment as is.

At one point you get tired of fighting and you realize that at the end of the day after all the fighting nothing has changed, you just have achy muscles and frail nerves.

At this moment I picture a river.   A river going right through me.
It is a river of peace. A river serene and non-threatening. In its calmness it washes away the turbulent feelings in my being.

A river going through me, taking with it all debris of pain, hurt, anger, vestiges of evil.
I don’t fight it anymore. I let it all go and I float. I float in calm and peace.  I let my body and mind feel settled.

So today I don’t fight, I don’t force acceptance, I don’t force trust and positivism.  Today I just float and let a river run through me, because tomorrow is another day and I know it will be a better day! (and yes it was)

“Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.” – Friedrich Nietzsche

Painful memories can bring comfort and contentment!

20 Sunday Mar 2016

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” – Lao Tzu

As I am laying in bed waiting for sleep to come, my mind went back to a sad time over 4 years ago.  It was the time when my Ex and I were breaking up.  (For the new readers: After thinking I was in a fairy-tale I found out my boyfriend was cheating.  When I confronted him, he asked me to move out).

No,  I am not still thinking of him.  He is history!  But tonight memories of that time came to mind. (I think it had to do with getting an email from him wishing me a good trip.  His mom must have told him I was going on a skiing trip.  I didn’t reply and felt indifferent about it).  I see this memory not as a memory of him, but a memory of me and my feelings at a certain time.

The memory is of one night as I had my head resting against his chest as we were both going to sleep.  Well, he was going to sleep… to me those nights were spent awake trying to come up with answers, trying to come up with solutions.  The memory is of my heart aching.  I was in pain and there was no painkiller that could stop it.  I felt as if my heart was being ripped out of my chest.  The knowledge,  but not the acceptance,  that the life as I knew it was over.

“Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.” – Steve Maraboli

I have my head on the chest of the man that is causing me this immense pain and still I want to do anything I can to stay with him.  I wanted to know why he was doing what he was doing and how could I fix it.  At that moment in time contemplating a future without him was incomprehensible.  So instead of planning my solo future I was planning ways to get him back.  I am trying to ignore the inevitable.

I remember trying to talk to him, trying to convince him to work on the relationship.  I was doing all the talking.  He was resolved and that was the end of it.  I would have done anything to stay.  I begged and I pleaded.   I was still lying to myself hoping he would change his mind and give us a chance.  Instead every time I tried he made me feel smaller and smaller.

Looking back I realized how much easier it would have been if I had just surrendered to the truth of the situation.  Hindsight is indeed 20/20.

I, still after all these years, cannot find a reason on why he cheated.  I cannot find anything lacking.   But I finally found peace in the fact that I don’t need an answer for everything.  It is okay for some questions to remain answered.  Acceptance is freeing!

“Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.” – Rumi

If I ever choose to speak to him again I would want to say just 2 words:  Thank you!

Thank you for having the insight, wisdom and vision to let me go.  Thank you for knowing what was best for me!  Thank you for being so cold and mean in the break up, you made easier to forget you.   Thank you for not giving in to my tears and for ignoring my begging.  In doing that you showed me I deserved more.

Now I see how our fairy-tale had an expiration date.  It was amazing and then it ended.  I am happy with the beautiful memories, amazing experiences, fun times.  I am happier with the bad memories.  I am grateful for all, including for the hurt you put me through in the end.

Above all I am grateful for the lessons.  There are so many, I am still leaning from it. I wouldn’t be the amazing person I am today were not for the pain you have caused.

“If we learn to open our hearts, anyone, including the people who drive us crazy, can be our teacher.”  – Pema Chodron

There is love in staying together and there is love in letting go.  We both said I love you in different ways. At one point he mentioned that his life was just too complicated and would become even more so, that he wouldn’t be able to be that man I wanted and deserved.  He was right!  His life has been a total mess the past few years and I am blessed not to be involved in that.

Now as I am about to drift to sleep alone in my awesome bed I realize how blessed I am.   I see the humor in realizing that I barely remember he existed when at one point I didn’t feel I could exist without him.  Thank you for the passage of time.

The memories no longer pain me.  They console me and they show me the wisdom of God.  It shows me that acceptance and trust in a Higher wiser power is what works for me.  Trust and acceptance gives me meaning and hope.

As for Ex I wish him well.  I wish him peace and clarity.  He seemed a miracle when he came into my life and he proved a miracle when he left.

“What hurts you, blesses you. Darkness is your candle.” – Rumi

In my emptiness I feel full and grateful!

12 Saturday Mar 2016

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Empty Chair

What comes to mind when you look at the picture above? Peace and tranquility?  Solitude and loneliness?

What do you see first, the beautiful vast mountain or the cold empty chair?

To me it is impossible not to see the brilliance of God and not to feel immensely blessed to have the opportunity of witnessing such majestic views.

There was also a pang of sadness as this was my last day in the resort and I imagined the chair was empty because I was leaving.

I just returned from my skiing adventure in Park City, Utah. I am still shaky and lack confidence in my skiing skills but I am proud of myself for not giving up on something I have grown to love but that it remains challenging.

I enjoy the freedom of being on the mountain and making my way down at my own pace, not pretty and not perfect but always feeling powerful when I arrive at the bottom.

“I live in that solitude which is painful in youth, but delicious in the years of maturity.” – Albert Einstein

I didn’t do much, other than skiing during the day and walking around in town in the evenings.  Did I feel alone? Not really.  Would I rather have someone there with me?  Absolutely!  Everything is better when shared with a loved one.

Last time I went skiing alone I made contact with people that were going to be at the resort at the same time I would.  I made plans to meet a couple of people and one became a good friend/pen pal. This time I didn’t have the time/inclination/energy to spend time posting and doing research on people to meet, so I knew there would be dinners alone.

“I care for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself.” – Charlotte Bronte

I am coming to the realization that loneliness is a state of mind.  I skied alone, I sat in restaurants alone and yet I didn’t feel alone.  I talked to people around me. Some were happy to talk while others were monosyllable.  It didn’t bother me when someone didn’t feel like talking.  Not taking things personally is a skill that I am mastering.

I am sufficient, I am enough!  It is a great realization!  The more self sufficient, the happier I am alone,  the better a partner I will be when the right person comes along.  There is empowered in solo adventures.

I plan on doing much more travelling alone if no one wants to come with me.  Everyone is welcome to join me but I am not waiting for anyone.  Life waits for nobody, why should I?

“At first I felt dizzy – not with the kind of dizziness that makes the body reel but the kind that’s like a dead emptiness in the brain, an instinctive awareness of the void.” – Fernando Pessoa