Monthly Archives: August 2014

Never too old to make a mistake and learn a new lesson!

30 Saturday Aug 2014

Posted by in Dating, Finding Me

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Zinful Sangria

Zinful Sangria

“Looking at the past is like lolling in a rocking chair. It is so relaxing and you can rock back and forth on the porch, and never go forward. ” ― Martha Graham, Blood Memory

Last night I met someone that I had dated for a few months 7 years ago.  Even though we were compatible and had fun the relationship ended because he mentioned that his family would not accept me because I was 10 years older than he was. I appreciated his honesty but I felt offended and decided to stop seeing him.

This week we reconnected on LinkedIn and decided to have dinner together.  I knew before meeting that I had no interest in revisiting the past and this was just going to be a platonic relationship.  I have a feeling that he thought it could be more since we are both single at this time.

“A ship does not sail with yesterday’s wind.” ― Louis L’Amour, The Walking Drum

We went to a Latin Fusion restaurant and the food and drinks were delicious.  We talked like old friends.  He did not recall the breakup the way that I did.  He now says that the age difference is meaningless.  As the evening wore on I confirmed my feelings of not wanting to revive a relationship.

But here is my big mistake: We kissed at the end of the evening, not only once but a bunch of times.  I am not sure what I was doing/thinking.  I knew I didn’t want anything with him, but I am guessing I was curious to see if there were any sparks left. There weren’t enough and still I kept kissing him.  Today I am totally embarrassed and angry at myself for leading him on. I need to make sure not to repeat this stupidity!

It is amazing how something that seems so good at one point now feels completely wrong for me.  What did I see in him? He is a nice guy and all, but that is it.  I guess the 10 year age difference is now even more apparent. We are at two different places in life.

“It’s important not to be embarrassed by your past. The contradictions are part of what we are.” ― Richey Edwards

The worst part is that because of the kissing this guy now thinks we should date again. I am going to wait for when he asks me out again, then I will tell him how I feel. I am hoping that after a few days has passed he will feel the same way I do.

I had no business seeing this person again as I don’t think that we will really add anything to each other’s lives going forward.  Also it was one of those relationships that are unremarkable and I really didn’t feel that there was anything left to be said or asked so I am not sure why I wanted to see him again.  Sheer curiosity I guess!

Lessons learned! Leave the past in the past.  Embrace the future, new things and people. Make new mistakes! Stop being such a flirt.  I smile too much, talk too much, get too familiar too quick.  Excessive friendliness can lead people on.

“No matter what they wish for, no matter how far they go, people can never be anything but themselves. That’s all.” ― Haruki Murakami, Blind Willow, Sleeping Woman: 24 Stories

****

“Those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.”
― George Bernard Shaw

An update on my last post regarding the guy that I will name “The Snuggler”: I said I would not date him again and guess what?  We went to dinner and dancing on Saturday.  I guess this change of mind is my effort to be more open minded and give people a chance.  It is also a testament to his tenacity.

It was a lot fun! He said sorry about the “miscommunication” and behaved impeccably.  We danced to everything from Latin to Hip Hop. I love dancing!

Then on Sunday he called and asked if I wanted to meet him at a park near his home.  He takes his dog swimming there. (I love people that loves animals). I chose not to go.  I wonder if my unwillingness to drive 40 minutes to meet him means that I am not that interested.

Well, I guess I am guarded and taking my time. This week we texted a couple of times.  I am not sure what will happen if he asks me out again.  I will see how I feel at that moment. Perhaps the realization that I am totally indifferent about him asking me out again or not is a good clue to how I feel about him.

“I find I am much prouder of the victory I obtain over myself, when, in the very ardor of dispute, I make myself submit to my adversary’s force of reason, than I am pleased with the victory I obtain over him through his weakness.” ― Michel de Montaigne, The Complete Essays

 

Blessings and an almost love connection….

23 Saturday Aug 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“Reflect upon your present blessings — of which every man has many — not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some.”
― Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol and Other Christmas Writings

Life has been BBB –  Busy, Beautiful and ever so Blessed!

DAD – My dad has been home after 2 weeks in the hospital.  The doctors said that it would take 6 months for him to fully recover, but I am happy to say that my dad is recuperating at an incredible speed!  The doctors are amazed!  I am relieved and happy!

TRIP TO BRAZIL – I am going home to see my family!! yippie!!  Yesterday was a bit crazy at work so it was hard to concentrate on the trip details but by the end of the day I had settled on a date and reserved the tickets but decided to sleep on it and make a final decision today.  So today when I went to make the purchase I realized that the date I had chosen was September 11.  I am shocked that the significance of that date had not hit me yesterday.  I am not sure how I feel about flying on September 11.

Well, Just now I finalized the purchase.  September 12 it is! So I guess now we all know how I feel about flying on 9/11.

HIP – My hip is acting up again.  It started when I tried taking tennis lessons again.  Right now I am doing the Brazilian way; I am ignoring it and hoping that it goes away by itself.  But seriously, I will need to go back to physical therapy, but I will deal with that when I return from my trip. I may be hanging my tennis racket for good.  But not my skis, never!!

WORK – Busy, busy, busy!  Enough said!

DATING – Dating has been an adventure.  The best part of it all is how I have been handling it.  I have been laughing at the bad experiences and cherishing the good ones.  I have made new friends.  This has been such an amazing learning and growing time.  This whole experience is showing me more and more what I need, want and deserve.  I am not willing to settle.  I am fine with compromise but I am not willing to put up with less than what I am willing to give in return.

“Some people come in our life as blessings. Some come in your life as lessons.”
― Mother Teresa

I am still amazed at the attitude and behavior of some men, well some people really.  They are so short sighted, looking for immediate gratification and not long lasting happiness.

The other evening I had a great date.  It was the first time in a long time where there were sparks!  He seemed great, smart, professional, a great kisser (yep we kissed on the first date), and good looking. I normally never fall for looks, but this person seemed to have it all.  I saw the potential and didn’t hide it.

As expected he contacted me right away after the date saying he had a great time.  Next day he starts texting me and instead of asking me out on a proper date he hints he wants to come over to my apartment and “snuggle”.  When I mentioned that he was going too fast he tried to make me feel bad and childish.  He mentioned we would just snuggle.  I felt like asking him:  How old are you? 15? Do you think I am going to fall for that?

“sex is the consolation you have when you can’t have love”
― Gabriel Garcí­a Márquez

For a moment I felt as if there was something wrong with me and perhaps I was being too immature and too suspicious.  I also felt that perhaps I shouldn’t have kissed him on the first date and let him know that I liked him.  I am glad to say that those feelings lasted for about a second.  I realized he was just trying to go for a quick shag and was not relationship minded.

I often say that I never blame a man for trying, so I still don’t blame him but he was just dumb.   He knew I liked him and we could have had a fun relationship, yet his rush to get physically intimate made him lose out on the long run.  Now  we will never know what the future could have look like.

“But when a woman decides to sleep with a man, there is no wall she will not scale, no fortress she will not destroy, no moral consideration she will not ignore at its very root: there is no God worth worrying about.”
― Gabriel Garcí­a Márquez, Love in the Time of Cholera

Of course when I set him straight he started backpedaling and telling me I misunderstood him, but by then the damage was already done.  I have said no to seeing him again. (true story, he just called now and wants to take me out to dinner tonight. answer is still no)  He did me a favor by showing me his intentions right away. Also this was a good test to see how much I liked him, and I certainly didn’t like him enough.

Don’t get me wrong, I like snuggling, affection, intimacy, sex, as much as the next person.  Well, I am a healthy, young, vibrant Brazilian woman who hasn’t gotten any in a long time, so perhaps I like it a little more than most right now 🙂  but I am not willing to forget my morals and what I want for my life.  I got to be able to look in the mirror in the morning and respect the face I see looking back at me.

I am not judging anyone that has one night stands or casual relationships.  I kind of envy people that can be that free with their bodies and themselves. But I know I can’t! And you know what?  I think I am proud of that! 🙂

The principal of Exchange and Letting go of the Bad and the Good!

13 Wednesday Aug 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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I was watching a documentary regarding Sherlock Holmes.   It is amazing to realize how influential a fictional character can be and continues to be.  Sherlock Holmes was the product of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s mind and the principal character in his many famous detective books.  The books are as entertaining now as they were when they were first published.

In the documentary they talked about all the contributions that Sherlock has made to the field of crime scene investigation and forensics science.  They also mention Dr. Edmond Locard (late 1800s), a pioneer in forensic science who was heavily influenced by Sherlock and became known as the Sherlock Holmes of France.  Dr. Locard formulated the Principal of Exchange.

This basic principal says: “Every contact leaves a trace”.  Every perpetrator of a crime will bring something into the crime scene and will, at the same time, take with him something from it, and that both can be used as forensic evidence.

It got me thinking how that principal holds true to every human interaction and not only crime scenes.  We are always exchanging something with our fellow human beings every time we come in contact with each other, conscious or subconsciously.

“If someone comes along and shoots an arrow into your heart, it’s fruitless to stand there and yell at the person. It would be much better to turn your attention to the fact that there’s an arrow in your heart…” ― Pema Chödrön

During my daily interactions, what am I leaving behind and what am I taking with me?  We exchange touches, thoughts, words, expressions, feelings, and we always carry remnants of that with us.  We have lingering thoughts and feelings as a result of those interactions.  Do you realize how much we are affecting and being affected by people long after we parted ways?

I often catch myself mulling over things that were said to me or things that I left unsaid, or perhaps things I said that it was probably better left unsaid.  I catch myself reliving a moment or a feeling, continuing to be hurt or be happy over things in the past.

I strive to add only good things to people’s lives.  I like the idea of leaving people and places better than I found them, but am I really doing that?  Are there people out there angry with me, hurt by me?  What about the ones that have angered and hurt me?  I have said I have forgiven them, but have I really? Or am I still carrying traces of pain and resentment with me?

“The present moment is filled with joy and happiness. If you are attentive, you will see it. ” ― Thích Nhất Hạnh

While I am not in control of what people choose to take from me and from interactions with me, I can help by doing my part of being more aware of my words and actions.  I am always striving to be in the moment, and this is another reason to be more conscious of the present moment.  What mark am I leaving? After all little marks, little moments, translate into lasting impressions.  What am I choosing to leave behind? What am I choosing to take with me? The answer to me is always the same: happiness, joy, positivism.  I want leave people with good thoughts and good feelings about me and I want take with me only good positive thoughts and not any negative energy.

I will try to be the first to say I am sorry.  I will say more thank you and excuse me every chance I get.  I will smile more and hug more.  I will forgive more.  I will let things go more easily.  I will not be ruled by anger and will not overreact.  I will not raise my voice.  When in doubt, I will err on the side of being nice, patient and forgiving.

“Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.” ― Steve Maraboli

What are the things I have been dragging around from the past?  In regards to the crime scene that was the relationship and breakup with Ex, I am happy to say that I firmly believe that the pain, hurt and resentment are gone.

In the beginning I made an effort to remember bad things so that I would be angry at him and forget him.  Later I held tight to the good memories as a way to validate the fairytale I thought I had lived.   Now I realize I am still holding on to those good memories as a security blanket.  They keep me warm on lonely nights, they are comforting, they bring me happiness, but at the same time they are preventing me from moving on.  Holding on to what I think I had is keeping me from being free to embrace the future.

I didn’t even realize that I was doing that until now, so writing this now makes me feel incredibly free, strong and empowered.  It feels like another page has finally been turned in this book of my life.  I no longer need those memories. So, yes I am actually saying that good memories can be bad if they are holding you back from being 100% in the present.

“I don’t know who my grandfather was; I am much more concerned to know what his grandson will be.” ― Abraham Lincoln

**

I want to recognize the present moment and give it its fully deserved attention and care.  At the same time I don’t want to carry it with me forever to the point of preventing me from embracing my future.

Like the perpetrator of a crime we are all perpetrators of experiences upon other people.  So let’s all be more aware of what we are leaving behind and what we are taking with us.

“Being in control of the uncontrollable”

02 Saturday Aug 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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The florist at the corner of my apartment

The florist at the corner of my apartment

“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.” ― Haruki Murakami

The past week has been extremely tough.  It has been a busy tiring week at work but it has been even more demanding emotionally.   My father has been in the hospital for the past 10 days with a severe infection.  This infection (I am choosing not to name it here) is rare and potentially fatal.   It affects elderly diabetic patients and it grows at an extremely fast rate.

It didn’t help that he hid the symptoms from everyone, but fortunately he eventually was taken to the hospital in time.  Surgery was performed the same day and a course of 3 antibiotics was started.  The doctor thinks he should be able to go home this coming week, but it will take several months for him to be fully recovered (or as close as we can get to that).

This came out of nowhere and the entire family had to scramble to deal with everything. Well, not really the entire family since I am not there to scramble.  It is hard being here and not in Brazil to help my family and to be with my dad.

“Sometimes life knocks you on your ass… get up, get up, get up!!! Happiness is not the absence of problems, it’s the ability to deal with them.”
― Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free

Since I have been in the US for a long time I am used to not being a part of family events, good or bad.  I do worry about the fact that something may happen to a loved one and I may not even have time to say good bye.

At work I get everything done and done well, so this week has been specially productive, but this feeling of powerlessness and helplessness overwhelms me.  I have been calling my family many times a day to find out news and to offer words of support. Even though I only mean to help I realize that some times I can sound critical and preachy.  I have been doing my best not to sound like I am telling my family what to do.  Finally today I decided that I will only call once a day.  I realized that I need to step back and let them to what they need to do instead of offering more opinions. I realized that I make them feel that I am not trusting their judgement and care, which is the furthest thing from the truth.

“The reason many people in our society are miserable, sick, and highly stressed is because of an unhealthy attachment to things they have no control over.” –― Steve Maraboli

I realized that my constant calling is more for my benefit than theirs.  It makes me feel connected to them and it makes me feel I am doing something.  When I call I don’t feel far away.    I have to realize that I am already doing all I can at this point (I am the financial support).  This is another opportunity to Let Go and Let God!  Another opportunity to realize that the only thing I can control are my actions.  Nothing else is under my control.  Some things cannot be manipulated. Reaching for the phone every second I want to feel connected to them is overreacting, it is my way of avoiding my feelings and not going through my own grief and emotions.

This is a time for reflection.  Too many phone calls is reactive and impulsive and creates confusion and misunderstandings.  I need controlled and thoughtful action.  I have been wanting sugar more than usual, as I realize that sugar is my security blanket.  The great thing is I am fully aware of that and because I am aware I can slowly change it.   So instead of sugar I am going for humor, prayers and gratitude. Prayers sooth my soul and my heart.  Prayers are the perfect remedy, there is no time or place for it, and it is not caloric 🙂

“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” ― George Burns

Humor is another great remedy for me.  I find ways to laugh and to make others laugh throughout my day.  I look for smiles and moments of gratitude and realize every second I am living is a second I should feel grateful for.  I am not denying, ignoring or making light of all that is going on, but I am not letting it control me.  A change in attitude and outlook changes everything.  I am not always successful, as just yesterday I blew up at one of my partners over something stupid.  He is very important to me and cares about me, therefore it makes him such an easy target.  My sister helped me realize that I needed to say sorry.  And I did! He, kind as usual, said he didn’t notice.  Then he added: It was only the second time in 30 years, so it is not bad.  I said: it was 2 times too many!

I have so much to be grateful for.  I have a loving  family that stick together in troubled times,  a brother and sister that cares and takes care of my parents as well as I would, a good insurance plan,  money to pay for all the extras not covered.  I also have a fighting and tough spirit, an inquisitive and open mind, a generous and caring heart.

“And in the end it is not the years in your life that count, it’s the life in your years.” ― Abraham Lincoln

Times like this makes me think of my mortality.  I am not afraid of dying, but I am afraid of wasting my life. I am in tune to the fact that if you want to do something to it today, now, because tomorrow is not a certainty.  Things can happen in the blink of an eye.

Are you ready to die today? If not, why are you living as if you are already dead? Why are you going from day to day as a zombie, not really feeling alive, not learning, not loving, not sharing, not challenging yourself?  Are you waiting for a wake up call? Are you waiting for a tragedy to realize that the moment is now? What is that one thing you have been wanting to do but keep postponing for the right time?  Do that one thing right now!!!

“Many people pray to be kept out of unexpected problems. Some people pray to be able to confront and overcome them.” ― Toba Beta, Betelgeuse Incident

My prayers have not changed, of course my dad and the rest of the family has been the focus of them, but I continue to pray for God not to give me what I want but what He knows I need and can handle at this time. Prayer to me is strength, is my recognizing that I am not at control.  Prayer is safety, is knowing that I am being taken care of, as long as I do my part,

My sister said to me yesterday, right after explaining another curve ball thrown at her:  I am not fighting any more, I am flexible, I am accepting!  I keep going, doing what I can!  That shows a great maturity and growth on her part (she was always the rebel one and the one not wanting to accept certain situations). I have been learning a lot from her and admire her fortitude in this and other situations.

“For after all, the best thing one can do when it is raining is let it rain.” ― Henry Wadsworth Longfellow