Tag Archives: lies

Liar, liar, pants on fire!

02 Monday Jun 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“Man is not what he thinks he is, he is what he hides.” ― André Malraux

If I meet another man that has lied about his age or height in his online dating profile I am going to scream and pull my hair out. ARGHHHHHHHHHHH, just picture me screaming and pulling my hair out… yes I just met another one!!

This guy listed his age as 43 years old.  But his picture betrayed him.  He was sporting a full head of completely white hair. I thought by his picture he was at least 55.  He sent me a message and we started chatting. After a few back and forth messages I asked him how old he was.  He said 52.  He said it in a way that it seemed very matter of fact.  There was no explanation, no apology, no reason given for that discrepancy between the profile and reality.

Has this become the norm? I thought it was kind of expected for a woman to shave a few years off of her age, but a man?  and almost 10 years? It doesn’t seem very manly to me!

“Oh, what a tangled web we weave…when first we practice to deceive.”  ― Walter Scott

He is not the first liar I have encountered and I am sure he will not be the last.  Some of the guys have acted embarrassed and apologetic about this lie.  Most have a problem with my calling it a lie.   They try to explain it as this being a necessity since they think they look younger for their age.  Well, I hate to break it to them, they don’t!

Others say that they were being contacted by women that were very old so they put a younger age for searching purposes.  Well, that is equally bad, since it tells me they want to be contacted by much younger women instead of women their own age.

Most stress the fact that this is a matter of marketing.  I believe in marketing and I know that online dating involves some of it. We have to make ourselves look good so that we get contacted by potential mates.  I forgive some embellishing, but shaving almost 10 years and sometimes more from your age is not creative marketing, to me it is deceptive advertisement.  I think that there are laws against it.  I guess Buyer Beware is the Modus Operandi when it comes to online dating.

“I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche

I do approach my online profile as advertisement because that is what it is.  I do try to put my best foot forward and show my best features, but everything in there is real, including my age, height and body type.  I used to have my body type listed as Average, but I have changed it to Extra Few Pounds.   I want to lose anywhere from 10 to 20 pounds so that to me makes my body type a Few Extra Pounds.  I want to be told the whole truth and decide for myself and  feel that someone contacting me should have the same right.

It is all a matter of perception! Just this perception of a lie is enough to turn me off.  I want a real man!! Real about his age, real about his height.  If you think I am going to meet you and fall in love and forget that you shaved many years from your age and many inches from your height, you are totally clueless.

Being older and shorter than me are not grounds for me to disqualify you from my search, but lying about it is!  If you are lying about your age, what else are you lying about? Would I ever be able to trust you?  What else are you willing to fudge about?

So, is it marketing or deception?

Because something has become a norm, an acceptable practice, it doesn’t make it right and it doesn’t make me have to accept it.

Since I have changed my profile from Average to Extra Few Pounds I have been getting 90% less messages.   My pictures are there the same way they were before, so I find it funny that a simple label has made such a difference.  But that is just fine with me.  I believe in quality and not quantity. If a guy cannot accept my extra few pounds then he is not the guy for me any way.

 “Seldom, very seldom, does complete truth belong to any human disclosure; seldom can it happen that something is not a little disguised or a little mistaken.” ― Jane Austen

When is a lie a lie?

12 Wednesday Mar 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating

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“When truth is replaced by silence,the silence is a lie.” – ― Yevgeny Yevtushenko

The last few days I have been wrestling with that question:  When is a lie a lie?

To me there is really no gray area.  If someone withholds the truth then he/she is lying.  Not only it is a lie, but it is also an enormous lack of respect.  Does the person think I am not deserving of the truth?  Or perhaps he/she thinks I cannot handle the truth?

But upon further thinking, I have fudged the truth in the past to protect the innocent or not to worry someone needlessly, such as when my mother asks me if everything is fine and even though all is not well I tell her it is because I know she will go insane with worry.

But when even before getting to know someone the person hides the truth makes me feel weird. It seems we are starting with a lie.  What else is he hiding?  Let me explain:

I went on a date with someone on Friday night.  His age on his profile was listed at 51.   In reality he is turning 62 in 2 months.

We hadn’t spoken on the phone before meeting but we had exchanged many emails so I feel he had plenty of chance to come clean and he didn’t.  He could have told me when we first met, again he did not.  He only told me when I asked.  I am not even sure why I asked, because he doesn’t look that age.

“One lie has the power to tarnish a thousand truths.” ― Al David

Many people shave a few years off of their age in their profiles.  Some say they do that because they look and feel younger for their age.  Others say they put in the wrong date originally and then they cannot change it.  Whatever the excuse maybe,  to me it is just that, an excuse.

With all that being said I am going to dinner with him again tonight!

I would normally dismiss him for that reason alone but I am trying to be more open-minded and not too judgmental of people.  I also think that people deserve a second changed, so I am willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.   I would hate for somebody to dismiss me for some stupid reason and not give me a second chance.

Also I had a great time on the date.  He was a gentleman and it felt like I was having dinner with an old friend.

But, there is always a “but”, can I get over the fact that he hid that little detail from me.  At this point I question if he is hiding anything else.  Can I ever trust him?

Am I making a big deal of it and trying, again, to sabotage a potential relationship.

“I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you.” – ― Friedrich Nietzsche

Now the other, and perhaps, more important question is, am I going to be okay with the age difference?  I am going to be 48 at the end of the month but I do look much younger.  I usually say that I am 47, look like I am 37, act like I am 27 and feel like 17.

But really, is age just a number?

Can I handle the age difference?  He doesn’t look or act like he is older than me. The funny thing is that the last person I briefly dated, actually dated is not the right word, we went out several times but decided that being friends was a better idea, well he is 32.

It is just funny to go from 32 to 62 – wow, it sounds ridiculous even to me!!!  I need to find someone my own age!!

Also one think I crave in a man is confidence! Lying about age sounds like insecurity.  Perhaps I find more acceptable for a woman to lie about her age than for men to do it.

“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”- ― Lucille Ball

A clean and clear conscience?

08 Saturday Jun 2013

Posted by in Daily Life

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Walking home from the train station on Friday I decided to take the long way (one extra block that passes in front of shops and restaurants).  As I am passing, a man sitting on a stoop asks me if I speak Spanish, I said no and continued on.

People often mistake me for Hispanic.  Most people think I am Dominican or Puerto Rican.  Unlike some Brazilians I know, I do not mind or am offended being addressed in Spanish.  The reason I didn’t stop was because the man looked either drunk or on drugs.

After I took a few steps I knew I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I didn’t go back and at least found out what he wanted.  So I did.  I had a feeling I knew what he wanted.

I approached and asked him in Spanish what he needed and he asked in perfect English if I had money to give him, I said no, and turned to walk away.

Of course, I couldn’t walk away,  I turned back around and asked him why he needed money.  He said was for food.  I am not sure why at this point I chose to use a lie instead of the truth.  I said: It is against my religion to give money. Well, I guess perhaps it is not such a lie as I do have my personal beliefs and I don’t believe in giving money when I doubt it will be used for what is intended.  I think I lied because I don’t think he was ready to handle the truth.  Also I don’t think anyone can argue with a person’s religion so I guess I expected my belief to be respected.

And it was, he didn’t argue with me.  I offered to buy him a plate of food at any restaurant around.  My neighborhood has all types of cuisine and they are all great, India, Mexican, Peruvian, American, Soul food, but he said he wanted pizza.  I said: Fine, there is a pizza place at the end of the next block.  Let’s go there or I can go and get it for you.

He then said he wanted it later, that he was not hungry at the moment.  I decided not to point out to him that he had just told me a minute ago that he was hungry.  I confirmed with him that he didn’t want food at this point.  He said: later.

I said okay then, if I come by later and you are hungry then I will get you pizza then.  He said: ok.

Now that we seemed to reach an understanding, I walked away guilt free.

Why then I now feel guilty for feeling guilt free?  Why do I have to always feel I should have done more?

oh Pleeease!!! Your love is worthless

03 Thursday May 2012

Posted by in EX Files, Finding Me

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so Ex has sent me a couple of texts, saying that I looked sexy last time he saw me and trying to invite himself over, to which I told him the truth, which he doesn’t really deserve, but telling the truth is how I choose to live, here is my e-mail reply:

“I am hurting (well, you know that), still crying over the loss of “us” every single day

 I looked the other way so many times, with D. I pretended it was not happening, but celebrating anniversaries with M. was just the nail on my coffin

 I can’t understand what have I done to deserve this from you

 Right now praying every day to preserve our friendship and the love that I still feel for you and that you never had for me”

Here is his reply:

“I love you very much

 Always have, always will

 I know that we reached a point that I was unable to be the person you wanted me to be

 Perhaps at some point I may be able to

 You can and do think a lot of things, but never think that you are not loved and though about every single day of my life, many times”

Can you believe this reply?  I guess that worst than a person lying to others is a person that lies to himself. Is either that or he is a total psychopath.

So I am not even bothering replying anything at this point, because, obviously he wouldn’t know truth and honesty if came up and bit him in the face, but let me just point out the obvious on his reply:

He says he loves me very much.  Words are cheap and easy.  His actions do not demonstrate that.

He says that he was not the person I wanted him to be. Amazing how he turns it around like I was the one unhappy one and the one with problems. But I guess in a way he is right, I wanted a man I could trust.  I wanted an honest man, that would be faithful, and that would think that I alone was good enough for him. I wanted a man that could keep it in his pants.

He says: perhaps at some point I will be able to (be the person I want him to be).  Sorry that ship has sailed.  After trying, trying and trying some more, I had to face the truth that he just doesn’t want me. But it is really clever how he tries to keep me going with promises of a future. How he keeps dangling the carrot in front of me.  Sorry, that carrot is no longer appealing.

He says: that I can think of many things except that I am not loved and thought about daily.  Funny freaking way of showing his love.  Lets count the ways: 1)by having all sorts of women coming to the house, 2)taking all sorts of women on dates, 3)by lying to my face many times, including saying that he wanted to be alone to focus on his business and children, 4)by saying that he was not doing anything for me, with me on Valentine’s Day because he didn’t want to send me the wrong message, 5)celebrating anniversaries with at least 1 woman, yep on the 22nd of May it will be 2 happy months with M., and so many other ways the loves and thinks of me daily, but I will not bore you with anymore details.

YES, HE REALLY LOVES ME!!!

please remind me: why am still trying to preserve a friendship with him??