Tag Archives: ex-boyfriend

Happy, tired, and in doubt

06 Saturday Apr 2019

Posted by in Daily Life

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“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” -― George Burns

My birthday was really low key but just absolutely perfect.  My friend had to work late so it was just my sister and I.  We went to a Argentinian/Italian restaurant around the corner from our apartment.  We had not been there before and all was delicious.

My co-worker gave us a chocolate cake and the friend that bailed on us sent 2 dozen chocolate covered strawberries and a dozen of chocolate covered Oreos. So sweet of them!

“Unfortunately, the clock is ticking, the hours are going by. The past increases, the future recedes. Possibilities decreasing, regrets mounting.” – Haruki Murakami,Dance Dance Dance

****

The clueless ex-boyfriend sent me another email yesterday that said:

” I sent you a note last week…..i hope it got through….my optonline acct is compromised…the gmail on here works”

Still ignoring it.

“Any fool knows men and women think differently at times, but the biggest difference is this. Men forget, but never forgive; women forgive, but never forget.” ― Robert Jordan

****

The amount of work I am doing for this audit is crazy. Many 7am to 8pm nights.  There are 5 auditors for our small company of 17 people.  Government bureaucracy at its best.  The amount of documents I have to produce is immense, but this too shall pass.  I stepped off of the ledge and I am doing one thing at a time.

I have been so exhausted this last couple of weeks  that I found no energy or motivation to  go to the gym or even do the elliptical in my apartment.   I am hoping that I can resume regular life this next week.

“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” -― Bertrand Russell, The Conquest of Happiness

***

D and I went to a movie and to dinner on Thursday night.  He surprised me with belated birthday gifts.  He gave me a Waterford candy dish along with a box of Godiva chocolate eggs.  He also baked a banana bread for me to give to my sister since he knows she love breads.

He is thoughtful and kind, but I continue to wonder if it will go anywhere.  His house is still not selling, so it seems there is no end in sight.  For now it is not a big deal as we have been barely able to see each other.  Next time I will see him will some time in May.  He has 4 trips schedule in the next few weeks.

He is all in, but I have doubts.

“Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. 
…live in the question.”  -― Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

 

 

Painful memories can bring comfort and contentment!

20 Sunday Mar 2016

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” – Lao Tzu

As I am laying in bed waiting for sleep to come, my mind went back to a sad time over 4 years ago.  It was the time when my Ex and I were breaking up.  (For the new readers: After thinking I was in a fairy-tale I found out my boyfriend was cheating.  When I confronted him, he asked me to move out).

No,  I am not still thinking of him.  He is history!  But tonight memories of that time came to mind. (I think it had to do with getting an email from him wishing me a good trip.  His mom must have told him I was going on a skiing trip.  I didn’t reply and felt indifferent about it).  I see this memory not as a memory of him, but a memory of me and my feelings at a certain time.

The memory is of one night as I had my head resting against his chest as we were both going to sleep.  Well, he was going to sleep… to me those nights were spent awake trying to come up with answers, trying to come up with solutions.  The memory is of my heart aching.  I was in pain and there was no painkiller that could stop it.  I felt as if my heart was being ripped out of my chest.  The knowledge,  but not the acceptance,  that the life as I knew it was over.

“Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.” – Steve Maraboli

I have my head on the chest of the man that is causing me this immense pain and still I want to do anything I can to stay with him.  I wanted to know why he was doing what he was doing and how could I fix it.  At that moment in time contemplating a future without him was incomprehensible.  So instead of planning my solo future I was planning ways to get him back.  I am trying to ignore the inevitable.

I remember trying to talk to him, trying to convince him to work on the relationship.  I was doing all the talking.  He was resolved and that was the end of it.  I would have done anything to stay.  I begged and I pleaded.   I was still lying to myself hoping he would change his mind and give us a chance.  Instead every time I tried he made me feel smaller and smaller.

Looking back I realized how much easier it would have been if I had just surrendered to the truth of the situation.  Hindsight is indeed 20/20.

I, still after all these years, cannot find a reason on why he cheated.  I cannot find anything lacking.   But I finally found peace in the fact that I don’t need an answer for everything.  It is okay for some questions to remain answered.  Acceptance is freeing!

“Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.” – Rumi

If I ever choose to speak to him again I would want to say just 2 words:  Thank you!

Thank you for having the insight, wisdom and vision to let me go.  Thank you for knowing what was best for me!  Thank you for being so cold and mean in the break up, you made easier to forget you.   Thank you for not giving in to my tears and for ignoring my begging.  In doing that you showed me I deserved more.

Now I see how our fairy-tale had an expiration date.  It was amazing and then it ended.  I am happy with the beautiful memories, amazing experiences, fun times.  I am happier with the bad memories.  I am grateful for all, including for the hurt you put me through in the end.

Above all I am grateful for the lessons.  There are so many, I am still leaning from it. I wouldn’t be the amazing person I am today were not for the pain you have caused.

“If we learn to open our hearts, anyone, including the people who drive us crazy, can be our teacher.”  – Pema Chodron

There is love in staying together and there is love in letting go.  We both said I love you in different ways. At one point he mentioned that his life was just too complicated and would become even more so, that he wouldn’t be able to be that man I wanted and deserved.  He was right!  His life has been a total mess the past few years and I am blessed not to be involved in that.

Now as I am about to drift to sleep alone in my awesome bed I realize how blessed I am.   I see the humor in realizing that I barely remember he existed when at one point I didn’t feel I could exist without him.  Thank you for the passage of time.

The memories no longer pain me.  They console me and they show me the wisdom of God.  It shows me that acceptance and trust in a Higher wiser power is what works for me.  Trust and acceptance gives me meaning and hope.

As for Ex I wish him well.  I wish him peace and clarity.  He seemed a miracle when he came into my life and he proved a miracle when he left.

“What hurts you, blesses you. Darkness is your candle.” – Rumi

Jealousy, Happiness or something else?

11 Friday Apr 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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Hi friends, It has been a longer than usual…Where do I start?  Life happens… good and bad, and all I can do is manage the very little I have control of.  I realize, more and more, the need to speak less and listen more.  It seems that will be the path to my personal wisdom. My impulsive mouth gets me in trouble every time.

Moving on… Work is chaotic at times, but I realize that is when I am more productive.  Reigning over chaos makes me feel powerful.

Mom is in town, which means more of everything, more eating, more shopping, more watching TV.  Did I mention more eating?

Having Mom in town has been great for dating, and I am not being sarcastic.  It has been a great tool to weed out some of the potential dates out.  If someone cannot wait 3 weeks or less to meet me, how great a partner are they going to be for me? I am not saying they are not great, but the person for me will understand that I have a limited time with my mother and I am choosing to put her first over somebody I didn’t even meet yet.

Speaking of dating, 3 ghosts from the dating past have resurfaced.  One called wanting to check if I still had the same work number – he announced he got married.  The second wrote wishing me a happy birthday – he announced he just got engaged.  The third wrote to tell me that he has met someone and they have been dating for a couple of weeks.  I am not sure why he felt the need to write and tell me that, perhaps he wanted to share his happiness or perhaps he wanted to tell me I missed out.

I honestly don’t know how to feel about all those ghosts from the “not so far past” being happily coupled.   Originally when I heard from all 3 in the space of 2 days I confess I felt a hint of jealousy.  Then on the next second I thought to myself, shouldn’t I be happy, or perhaps even relieved? I am the one that decided not to continue to date, or even to start dating them.  My feelings haven’t changed.  They are all great guys, but not great for me.  So in the end, I am choosing to be happy that they are happy.

Perhaps the real question here is:  Will there be a great guy for me, or should I settle for a great guy period? Perhaps my heart is stuck on that one “great”(and I use the term loosely) guy that is now known as Ex, and I am blind to everyone else?

“Not the power to remember, but its very opposite, the power to forget, is a necessary condition for our existence.” ― Sholem Asch

I still continue to struggle with thinking of him.  The absurdity of such situation is not lost on me.  It will be 3 years soon.  When will I stop thinking of all those happy moments?  When will I not get so sad that I was so easily replaced? I am happy and content with my single life, or am I not and just fooling myself? Now that my Mom is here I catch myself mentioning his name more and more.  I actually told her that she is allowed to slap me on the mouth if I ever say his name again.  She agreed. I am happy to say that I have not been hit yet! 🙂

When will my heart understand what my mind and soul already knows?  That part of my life is over and done with.  There were great moments, but in the end that it is all that it was: great moments.  I am deserving of more and better.  I am deserving of always and forever.

The forgiving part was easy; the forgetting part has been a battle.  I am persistent and this war is not over yet.

“Without forgetting it is quite impossible to live at all.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche

My Powerful Allies: Space, Time and Silence!

05 Thursday Dec 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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“So it’s true, when all is said and done, grief is the price we pay for love.” 
― E.A. Bucchianeri

This blog wouldn’t be the same if every now and then I wouldn’t mention Ex.  The goal is for him to be a long lost memory, but it is not turning out to be that way.

Here is the latest installment:

On Thanksgiving day he sent me a text saying Happy Thanksgiving.  Okay that may not seem like a lot or perhaps may seem like a good thing to some, but to me it hits a nerve.  How many times do I have to ask him not to contact me?

Doesn’t he understand that every time he does that he reopens a wound that is starting to heal?

I have been trying not to be reactive, so I didn’t do anything…  for 1 day. A day later his text was still in my mind, so I fired off a couple of texts telling him to please stop.  I was honest and told him how much it hurts me when he does that.  Perhaps I shouldn’t have told him that it hurts, perhaps that is what he wants.

He replied that he said Happy Thanksgiving  because he loves me and wants me and my family to have a good Thanksgiving. He also added that he was going to wish me a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year now because he didn’t think I wanted to hear from him very often.

What??? He doesn’t think I wanted to hear from him very often???? How many times can I ask him not to contact me? Why does he play dumb?

“There are some wounds that one can heal only by deepening them and making them worse.” 
― Auguste de Villiers de l’Isle-Adam

So I texted a final text and I asked him to pretend I was dead because that is what I am trying to do in regards to him. It sounds dramatic, but it is true.

I am not proud of texting him, perhaps I should have not done it.  But what is done is done. No regrets, just hoping I can choose silence next time.

I am hoping I got my point across.  If not, my next step will be to change my phone number.

I have to see the good side of everything, so here is how I put my positive spin on it:

I welcome the pain, the hurt, the sadness, the anger, all the feelings fighting for space inside me and threatening to come out.  I welcome them all to come to the surface, have some face time and then leave.

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” 
― Rumi

I am happy that even though I felt like replying to him right away I didn’t.  I didn’t react impulsively.  I thought about it and let things marinate. I replied anyway later but it didn’t control me, I controlled it.

I am happy that I am so sure I don’t want any contact with him.  Before, his texts would give me hope, even if I didn’t want to own up to it.  Now it is annoying and painful.

“We are healed of a suffering only by experiencing it to the full.”  ― Marcel Proust

I am at peace now. At peace with the text and hopeful that he now got the message.

I realized that I have a trio of allies and I need to let them do their work.  My allies are Space, Time and Silence.

Space/Distance:  I need to keep my space from Ex and that to me doesn’t only mean physical space.  It means not snooping around the internet looking for information on him. Yes I have been guilt of looking up his girlfriend’s Facebook, of checking all his businesses and rereading a couple of newspaper articles on him.  I am happy to inform that I haven’t done any of that in 2 weeks.

“The scariest thing about distance is that you don’t know whether they’ll miss you or forget you.” 
― Nicholas Sparks

“Distance has the same effect on the mind as on the eye.” 
― Samuel Johnson

Time: I need to let time work for me.  With each day I get stronger and his memory faint.  I also need to stop counting time.  There is no deadline or time limit for the grieving to be over.  But one thing is for sure time will pass and so will the pain and hurt.

“Because time does the job, dynamite can’t touch.” 
― John Steinbeck

Silence: I need to keep my silence and not let him engage me and my energy into texting, emailing, etc .  I don’t need to have the last word.  Silence is oftentimes the loudest!

“Silence is a source of Great Strength.” 
― Lao Tzu

“I’ve begun to realize that you can listen to silence and learn from it. It has a quality and a dimension all its own.” 
― Chaim Potok

One main issue for me is the fact that he never acknowledged the cheating.  When I got his text I considered for a moment meeting him and telling him everything I feel and what I need to hear from him.  And then I realized I have already done that.  There is nothing left unsaid on my part, and I don’t think he will ever acknowledge the cheating.  He has said sorry many times, but he says he is sorry for not taking care of the relationship and for not being the man I needed him to be.

“Don’t waste your time with explanations: people only hear what they want to hear.” 
― Paulo Coelho

If I let my 3 allies work for me and I diligently watch where I focus my energy and time, the truth will come out.  And the important thing is I know the truth and in the end it doesn’t matter.  I still believe he did me a favor.  I am better for the experience.  I am better for the pain!

“As my sufferings mounted I soon realized that there were two ways in which I could respond to my situation — either to react with bitterness or seek to transform the suffering into a creative force. I decided to follow the latter course.” 
― Martin Luther King Jr.

You know what I find absolutely incredible and the most beautiful thing about me, and I thank God daily about it, is the fact that I may get angry, sad, and a host of other feelings but never at any moment I wish him bad. I wish him happiness.  I just don’t want to see it.