Happy Independence Day USA!

And to celebrate it I am declaring my Independence today, independence from thinking that I am not allowed to cry. Today I declare myself free to cry if I want to! and even if I don’t want to but it just happens. I am free to cry anywhere, anytime and about anyone or anything.

ok, ok, in all fairness I am writing this at pms time and specially at this time I am a cry baby.  I cry for no reason. I cry for fiction, I cry for reality.

Just now I cried watching Drop Dead Diva, it was the scene where Owen takes Jane on a horse drawn carriage ride. I guess it was tears of happiness for her. Yes I am happy for a TV character, do you have a problem with that? and sad, sad to wonder when will I have a guy do romantic stuff like that for me? Am I not worth or deserving?

I cry if someone looks at me the wrong way, says the wrong thing, makes me feel inferior, makes me feel powerless. I cry because I am overwhelmed and all of a sudden my happy attitude and easy smile is a little forced.  All of a sudden the strong me is this weakling person I don’t recognize.

I cry for the past, for all that is gone that I am still trying to hold onto. I cry because the more I try to hold onto the less of a hold I have.  I cry even more when I realize that what I was trying to hold onto was not worth having in the first place. It is impossible to try to save something that never existed.

I cry for what it could have been, but for some reason or another never became! I cry because sometimes the pain in my heart is so intense that if I don’t cry I feel I will burst.  I cry because, just because, no special motive or reason is necessary.

So here is the a-ha moment, the moment that I realized that I was being too hard on myself, that I was not treating myself fairly:

I was with a friend on the phone and he made the comment that I couldn’t possibly understand how he felt about his kids because I didn’t have any kids.  At once I got this lump in my throat.  I tried holding it in, but tears immediately welled up in my eyes, and when he asked I couldn’t deny that I was crying.

You, the readers that don’t have any children, don’t you love when people say that? When people point out that you have no children, and therefore couldn’t understand the joys and hardships of parenthood.  I don’t need to put my hand in the fire to know that it burns. I don’t need to be a mother to know that there is an indescribable bond between parent and child, and to know that parenthood comes with a long list of sacrifices – that they tell me is all well worth.   I am not a parent but I have had experience in the subject.  I have had my hands in raising a few, first as a nanny raising 2 kids, one from when he was 2 days old until 6 years of age, and later being stepmom to 2 pre-teens. I did spend sleepless nights with a baby, take a toddler to get stitches, I did have to deal with a pre-teen wanting to have sleepovers and had the talks about sex and drugs, among a myriad of parenting moments.

But now I getting off the subject of this post.  This post is not about things people say that hurt us, it is not about pms, it is not about wanting or not to have kids, all of those will be subject for future post or have already been.  This post is about tears, about being comfortable with crying, about allowing oneself to have their feelings shown.

In all fairness if it was not for the mighty pms I probably wouldnt have cried about hearing that. It is not the first time I am being presented with the astounding revelation that I don’t have kids.  It burns and hurts but it doesn’t normally make me cry.

When I started crying on the phone, I tried to hide it, but it is impossible to talk with a lump on the throat.

My friend felt bad!  I felt embarrassed and weak! I don’t want anyone to be afraid to talk to me honestly because I may cry.   I proceeded to explain to him how I hated crying because I thought it was a sign of weakness and I considered myself a strong person.

He said: I cry, do you think I am weak?

I said: NO, when a man cries I think it is a sign of strenght, of manliness, he is man enough to be okay with showing his emotions.  I like men that cries. And I was being completely honest! Nothing more beautiful than someone having feelings and demonstrating and not being afraid to show them.  And for that matter I feel that way about not only men, but anyone crying except myself.

Why am I setting myself apart as this one being that is not allowed to have emotions? And when having emotions why can’t I allow myself to show them?  I realized I have double standards when it comes to myself and my emotions.  I expect so much from myself.  I expect myself to be cool, calm and collected at all times.  I expect myself to be a pillar of strength.  I pride myself for being in control of everything and most important my emotions.

I guess this is one of those moments where the light bulb goes on in your head. A moment of learning and growing. A moment to make a conscious effort to be good to myself. I need to stop being so hard on myself. I need to be kind to myself and realize I am only an extra emotional human being.

so I cry, big deal! Who cares, move on. That is my new winning attitude!

I came across the following beautiful quotes:

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not a mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition and of unspeakable love.”
― Washington Irving

“Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts. I was better after I had cried, than before–more sorry, more aware of my own ingratitude, more gentle.”
― Charles Dickens, Great Expectations

“Beauty of whatever kind, in its supreme development, invariably excites the sensitive soul to tears.”
― Edgar Allan Poe

“Tears are the noble language of eyes, and when true love of words is destitute. The eye by tears speak, while the tongue is mute.”
― Robert Herrick

Who am I to argue with those amazing writers?

Let us all allow the tears to flow freely as they will. Let people feel bad if they hurt our feelings and lets us use that moment to talk about why the words hurt. Lets use the tears to open the doors to deeper and more meaningful conversations.  Lets use tears to bond us as human beings who have emotions and are strong enough to show them.  (I do know that the last thing my friend would want to do was to hurt me, he instead has been the source of smiles and laughter)

Let the tears speak when the feeling is too overwhelming for words. Let the world see you are sad or happy, let the world see you are alive and only human. Don’t make your feelings invisible!

So I will continue crying because it is in my nature, but I will feel less ashamed, less weak.  Next time I cry I will open a bottle of champagne to celebrate the moment!

So today, in this beautiful freeing day, what are you declaring independence from?