Tag Archives: being grateful

Blessed with a Star on the Forehead: Not just a name, a belief and a way of life!

31 Friday Jul 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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I am exhausted from hosting my brother and his girlfriend for 3 weeks.  I need a vacation from their vacation.  It was fun and I got to do a lot of touristy stuff, but happy to have my solitude back!

“Visits always give pleasure–if not the arrival, the departure.” ― Portuguese Proverb

An update on my date (the doctor) from the previous posts:  He texted a couple of Sundays ago asking me if I was free.  I said I was going to be free after my brother left on the 29th.  We texted back and forth and also spoke on the phone that day, but I heard nothing since then.  When I asked him why he went silent the first time he said: “You could have called also”.  When he asked if that answered my question I said no, he then said:  “Women need to understand that men are insecure too!” I don’t understand how my honesty and telling a man I like his company would make him feel insecure.  I realize I need to date a man that is not insecure, but we can still be friends and I did enjoy all our conversations. His silence now doesn’t bother me at all, so I think I will text him to wish him a nice weekend.  It is amazing how different things feel when you take the emotional investment out of it.  When you feel you have nothing to lose you take more chances. With more chances there is more to gain.

“A man’s spirit is free, but his pride binds him with chains of suffocation in a prison of his own insecurities” -― Jeremy Aldana

***

I received an email asking me about the meaning of “a star on the forehead”.  So I decided to write here a brief summary about it.

I arrived in the US on November 9, 1984 at the naïve age of 17 years old.  I was clueless as to what awaited for me. I was full of dreams and totally fearless (it is easy when you have no clue at all that could have gone wrong).  At that point in time Brazilians would come to NY to work for a year or two and make enough money to buy a house or start a business. Looking back I am not sure what my plans/goals/dreams were but I knew 2 things:  1) No matter what I would not go back to Brazil a failure and 2) I would not give any reasons for my family to worry about me (so I never complained and never told them the truth of how incredibly hard and difficult my beginning here really was).

I will leave all the details of eventually finding work and creating a life for me here for a future post.

On Sundays I used to meet an old acquaintance from Brazil.  On this particular day she was going to the Bronx to a fortune teller, so I tagged along.  Even though I always enjoyed that type of stuff I had no money to spare so I was not going to get my fortune read/told.

We get to this very poor decrepit area in the Bronx, go to this one house and proceed to wait in this waiting area.  A woman comes out and calls my friend’s name and we go in.

There was this very large man sitting on a rug or a very thin mattress.  For some reason I was expecting the fortune teller to be a woman.   He was very heavy, it seemed that his body spilled over and it became one with this mattress/rug.  As soon as we entered the room, he man covered his eyes with one hand as if attempting to shield the glare of the sun.  He pointed to me and said: “You, don’t sit down! I am not wasting my time with you.  You have a star on the forehead!  You will have everything you want, school, work, money, anything.  Anything you want will be yours; you will just have to want it.  That is all you need to know!”

And that was all I ever needed to know.

I just moved away and my friend sat in front of him and he read her fortune.  I am not even sure if he used cards or what he did.  His words were swimming in my head the whole time as he was giving her some bad news.

Even though he spoke in Spanish (he was Puerto Rican) I was able to understand exactly what he meant.  My friend later reiterated the same thing, so there is no doubt.  At that point was not even about what he really said but about what I heard and how I felt.  I would be lying if I said that it didn’t affect me.  It affected my entire life and still does.  I took that as a sign that I was specially blessed. I held on to that at all times and still do.   To me it was a sign that my work was going to pay off and the hardships and pains were simply bumps in the road.  That was exactly what I needed to hear at that difficult time.

Since then I go through life thinking I am special.  Don’t get me wrong, I do think we are all special and we all should focus on our blessings and be more positive. There is nothing to be gained or accomplished by feeling like victims and being pessimistic.  So why not smile more, walk taller and know you are blessed?  I often say that we are all blessed, but the only difference is that I know it and recognize it and some people are totally ignorant to it.

Today, 30 years later I have an amazing life. I call it amazing, but it is simple, no frills, I just love the fact that I can afford my parents anything they need/want.  Nothing was handed to me freely and easily.  Everything I have I achieved on my own, with my own hard work and perseverance.  I have been blessed with the opportunities and skills and have made the most of it.  I have been blessed with the certainty of a Superior Power that watches over me and has my back.  Nothing can cause me harm!

I plan on one day writing in detail all I went thorough in the past 30 years.  From the very tough early days,  the trials, tribulations, the laughter and the fun.  I don’t feel ready to write it yet.

I believe anyone can have whatever they set their hearts on.  I believe that if I don’t have something I want,  it is because 1) it is not the right timing or 2)I don’t want it bad enough and therefore I am not working hard to get it.

And that is how I came up with the name of my blog.

“In the difficult moments believe in yourself.  Believe that you are whole, perfect, powerful, and blessed.” ― Debasish Mridha

*Thank you for 3 great years! * One minute of humanity *Friendship or foolishness?

04 Wednesday Mar 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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There is so much going on at the moment! I will share more on the next post.  For now I want to share a couple of things:

This month marks the 3rd year that my blog is in existence.  I think this is a huge achievement for me, specially since I am the queen of starting countless projects and not always sticking with them.

This blog has been everything for me!  I have said many times that I credit this blog with saving my sanity at the time of the breakup, were not for this blog I think I would be locked up in some mental institution still obsessing about my ex. As time goes by this blog becomes more and more meaningful to me.   It has become my friend and confidant.  This blog has kept me honest and accountable.  It has helped me see things clearer and some times make sense out of nonsense.

But a blog without a reader is nothing.  So this anniversary is dedicated to you my reader!  I see this anniversary as another excuse to thank you for reading and caring enough to give me some of your valuable insight.  You have touched my life and my journey with your energy and love and for that I am forever changed and forever grateful!

“Let us be grateful to the people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.” ― Marcel Proust

***

“The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

On Friday evening while running to catch the train I stopped to talk to a homeless man.  I have written here many times on how I am unsure as to weather to stop or not as I never know if the person is mentally ill and will all of a sudden attack me.

On a side note,  I do miss my friend Milton and hope he is okay http://atomic-temporary-33385295.wpcomstaging.com/2013/07/16/milton-my-new-friend/  He had mentioned that NY city was going to provide him with an apartment in another part of town, so I am happy in the ignorance of thinking that is where he is, nice and warm and well fed. I remember him in my prayers specially in this cold weather.

So I stopped by this gray bearded man that looked over 60 years old but that was probably much younger.  As I am fishing for some money out of my bag I asked him if he was cold.  I know the stupidity of my question as this is one of the coldest winters in NY City, but he played along.  He said he was warm and sometimes too warm that he even had to remove his hat because he got sweaty.  As he says that he removes his hat.  Then we both at the same time started talking about how this was not a smart idea, to expose a sweaty head to freezing cold.  He mentioned that sometimes he gets a headache out of it and took some Advil.

He had the warmest, welcoming and grateful smile ever.  He was so happy that I stopped and talked to him.  I think that he appreciated that minute of conversation more than the money I gave him.

Unfortunately I only gave him a minute.  I waste so much of my time with mundane things and yet to a fellow human being I only gave one minute.  I am not proud!

I regret being in such a hurry to catch the train.  I was running to get ready for a date.  I was in such a hurry and he seemed to have so much to say that I didn’t even think of asking his name.

I felt bad.  Then the date got canceled.  Was it karma? Was I being punished?   Absolutely not!  The date being canceled was a major blessing!  When it got canceled I actually took a moment to stop and say a silent prayer to recognize God for his wisdom and thank him for blessing me with his guidance.  I had already something telling me this date was not a good idea and still I was going to go through with it,  I was trying to shut that little voice down.

It was blamed on miss-communication, but I totally credit my guardian angels.  I am the world’s most blessed person! Yes I am!  Even when I ignore signs and the little voice inside, God steps in and takes me out of the hands of trouble!

Feeling infinitely humbled and grateful!

“No one has ever become poor by giving.” ― Anne Frank, diary of Anne Frank

***

“friendship is the only cure for hatred, the only guarantee of peace.”
― Gautama Buddha

An update regarding the guy from the last post:  In a very strange twist he and I have become closer.  I canceled the weekend, we talked about it, he understood, and I thought I would never hear from him again.  The very next day he calls me and asks me if I was angry with him and never wanted to talk to him again.  Again we talked for a long time and we agreed to continue to talk and to continue to be 100% honest with each other.  We have not met again as I am very busy and so he is, and then there is the snow, etc, but we are supposed to meet for dinner one of these days.

We talk every day, we make each other laugh.  In a weird way I feel I can trust him more than some other people.  I appreciate that he was honest with me.  I respect that he didn’t try to change my mind.  He said it was a non-issue and that it was fine if I was not interested, end of the story. He also said that he only brought it up because I had mentioned that I wanted to experience things and be more open and free. My excuse for that kind of talk is that we had a very long awesome date, I had had a couple of cocktails and wine, and I have  my 49th birthday looming in my mind. So I was high on life and feeling the urgency of living.  I feel the time to be crazy is now or never.  I was feeling very courageous and adventurous. He said that he thought since he hasn’t done that in a long time he thought it would be perfect.  I now learned that I have to be careful with what I say. My definition of being crazy is clearly very different than his.  Crazy for me is having 3 drinks, dancing on the table and making out on the first date.

(I am writing his and mine conversation not to excuse him or make his offer okay.  Drugs are still not okay in my book, but I have to recognize that I have played a part in leading him on in that conversation.  That night I was definitely writing checks that my ass couldn’t probably ever cash!!)

“We’re all islands shouting lies to each other across seas of misunderstanding.” ― Rudyard Kipling, The Light That Failed

Perhaps I am flirting with disaster with continuing this friendship or perhaps I am testing the possibility that 2 people with opposing views in a subject can actually become close friends.  Whatever it is, I decided that this was not grounds to stop talking to him. In a way I have to thank him for:

  • making me more aware of how my words and actions can send people mixed signals
  • making me realize that appearances can be deceiving
  • making me realize that even though I am older and wiser I can still be susceptible and weak to certain things

Only time can tell what this friendship will bring…

“Whenever you are confronted with an opponent. Conquer him with love.” ― Mahatma Gandhi

I texted Ex!

21 Monday Jan 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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I texted Ex!
I know how it looks. And I actually don’t care how it looks, but how I feel.
One of the things I pride myself on is always giving a voice to my heart.  I like wearing my heart on my sleeve, I like being open and transparent.
Saying what I want, when I want unburdens and empowers me.
I don’t care what he thinks either. It is not about him! It never was! It is about me and my feelings and how I act and react to them!
I am taking myself and my heart back little by little, too slow for my liking, but somethings cannot be rushed. Each little step towards freedom is important and rewarding.
I texted him to express gratitude.
I was at Windham, NY skiing (or attempting to) and I was feeling overwhelmed with the freedom of the open space and the beauty of the mountain. I was also feeling good about my progress skiing.
Right then and there I felt an enormous sense of gratitude for the person that introduced me to skiing: Ex

ii

This is what I wrote:
“I want you to know that no matter how much hurt I still have in my heart I will be eternally grateful for the many things you have taught me including and especially skiing. So thank you from the bottom of my heart.”
I know that many may think I am opening a door for him to waltz back in, but that is not the case at all. I am opening a door to the healing of my heart.
I don’t expect a reply, that was no the point of sending the text.
He does reply in the form of an email the following day, saying I should be proud of being a Brazilian skier.
and that was it!

I have decided to look at my relationship with Ex, as a whole, with all its beauty during and not so beautiful ending. The relationship was not the ending alone, I cannot only think about how it ended and dwell on it.  I cannot also only think about the beautiful time and have this unreal view of it.
I don’t regret sending it the text the same way I don’t regret the relationship.  IN fact I would be willing to do it all over again!

I think that my reaching out to him is my way of making peace with my past.  I cannot hate Ex, that would be like hating my past, and I love my past.  I don’t want to be in the past, I want to be fully in the present and embrace the amazing future that awaits.  I want to continue to grow and become better and better. But my past is me, and I embrace it, love it and I am making peace with it!

It felt so freeing being the one that reached out instead of being in the receiving end! It made me feel in control.  I am making things happen and not waiting for them to happen to me and just react to it!

So, thank you Ex, for skiing and other things! Thank you for my lovely memories!