Holiday Season Anxiety: feeling the pressure to give the perfect gift

20 Tuesday Dec 2022

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“A gift consists not in what is done or given, but in the intention of the giver or doer.” ― Seneca

The holiday season gets me very anxious.  My source of anxiety is gift giving and tipping.  I think I have mentioned here before that I hate shopping.  I will do some online but I rather just put cash in an envelope.

But, how much?  For the personnel at my apartment building(8 people) and my office building (9 people) I have an excel spreadsheet that I keep track of how much I have given in the past.  I just update it.  Some people are gone, some new people have been hired.  Still, I obsess over it.

Do I give the same amount?  Do I adjust for inflation? Or do I adjust by how much they have helped me throughout the year?  If that is the case then I would give nothing to some.  In the end everyone gets at least what they got last year.  I have the feeling that I overtip, but I guess that is better than undertip.

What do I do about some people, such as my friends, that I cannot just put cash in an envelope?  My second go-to gift is a gift card.  But to where?  Starbucks?  Amazon? Or is that just lame?

I am one of those people that have good intentions.  Every year I plan on paying attention to people, to their conversation, likes and dislikes, so that on their birthday and at Christmas I will know what to give.  Big failure, I never put those plans in motion.  Pay attention to conversation?  That is so foreign to me.  I am too busy talking or thinking of what to say next.

“Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.” ― Erma Bombeck

Tonight is my last night at the mosaic studio before Christmas, and I still don’t have a gift for the owner/teacher.  She is such an amazing person.  She is so thoughtful and giving. Throughout the year she has given me little things here and there just because.  She already gave me a couple of things for Christmas.  I need to find the perfect gift for her, not only because of those gifts but because of the joy she gives me by having the mosaic studio. Her guidance and joy is priceless.

The clock is ticking… I can probably buy myself some time and announce that I have something coming, but its arrival is late.  Yes, I am considering lying and blaming the mailman.  I will probably just come clean and tell the truth: I don’t know what to give, so I freeze.

I am always hoping that people don’t give me anything, because the pressure to retribute is immense.  The more thoughtful their gift is, the more anxious I get.

Don’t get me wrong.  I love to give.  The moment I know someone needs something I am the first one to give/donate.  I struggle with coming up with ideas for people that have everything.  My problem is feeling the pressure to find the perfect gift.

For some new acquaintances I like to give a bag with 3 of my favorite books: The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho, The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, and The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran.  I also bring soaps and lotions with natural ingredients from Brazil as gifts.  Perhaps there is a bit of thoughtfulness in me after all.

Happy gift giving and receiving to you all! I have some more obsessing to do.

“Books make great gifts because they have whole worlds inside of them. And it’s much cheaper to buy somebody a book than it is to buy them the whole world!” ― Neil Gaiman

If my money grew like my money tree is growing…

15 Thursday Dec 2022

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Money tree (on the wall is a panel forest scene my mom painted)

“The fact that I can plant a seed and it becomes a flower, share a bit of knowledge and it becomes another’s, smile at someone and receive a smile in return, are to me continual spiritual exercises.” – Leo Buscaglia

My money tree is out of control.  For the longest time it was just one height, it never really grew… until now.  All of a sudden it keeps achieving new heights.

Will it stop eventually or do I put a stake up so I can guide it and keep it straight?  After all it is called “tree” so perhaps it can be as tall as a tree.

I just Goggled and apparently it is like a bonsai tree, it needs to be trimmed.

That is venturing into scary gardening area.  I will water it, and even repotted it, but taking a pair of scissors to it is a different ball game.

I never intended to keep plants.  Well, what I mean is I never intended on being a gardener.  My idea of having plants was “just water it once a week”.  And that is what I have been doing.  My plants are thriving not because of me, but because of the sunlight here.

Well, I do talk to them, so that may help a bit.  And I do repot them when they get too large for their pot. So, I guess I have been gardening without knowing.

Similar to any other relationship, the relationship with plants takes work.  For them to prosper I need to invest time and care.  What I will get out of it, is in proportion to the care and time I put into it.  No brainer really.  Just life explaining to me, yet again, the concept of work and reward.

So,  trimming I will.  Wish me luck!

I got this plant years ago just because of the name. According to Feng Shui, the money tree brings prosperity and good luck.  It should be placed in the southeast area of the home or office.

Now if I can only figure out where the southeast area is…

“Everyday is a bank account, and time is our currency. No one is rich, no one is poor, we’ve got 24 hours each.” ― Christopher Rice

Being ok with disappointment

13 Tuesday Dec 2022

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Finding Me

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“Disappointment is just the action of your brain readjusting itself to reality after discovering things are not the way you thought they were.” – Brad Warner

I am still sad and disappointed over Brazil’s loss at the World Cup! It is stupid, it is just a game, but why does it hurt so much?

To us Brazilians it feels bigger than a just a game.  It is our identity.  I grew up thinking Brazil was the best soccer team in the world.  We had something of our own to be proud of.

But, Friday, we didn’t play the jogo bonito (beautiful game).  The players looked tired. It was definitely not a good day for us.  Actually, we haven’t played well in many, many years. We have been living in the past.

I sound like a hardcore soccer fan.  I am not.  But when it is the World Cup, I love everything about it.  Specially thinking that Brazil may triumph.

What to do when you are disappointed about something that you have no control of?  Not much.  I did what I often do with feelings that are hard to deal with. I confront them. I acknowledge them. I sit with them in discomfort.

I acknowledged that I was disappointed.  I accepted the loss and accepted that it hurt.  Brazil lost fair and square, no one to blame.  There was no anger, just sadness.

The best team that day won.  And unfortunately the best team was not Brazil.  Kudos to Croatia!

Now what?  Now we wait another 4 years to try again.  It is life, and we move on. Now we have 4 years to think about what went wrong, make better choices and try again.

The World Cup 2022 has lost some of its flavor for me, but I will still tune in and root for the underdogs. Go Morocco! May they make history and go all the way!

“When we refuse to work with our disappointment, we break the Precepts: rather than experience the disappointment, we resort to anger, greed, gossip, criticism. Yet it’s the moment of being that disappointment which is fruitful; and, if we are not willing to do that, at least we should notice that we are not willing. The moment of disappointment in life is an incomparable gift that we receive many times a day if we’re alert. This gift is always present in anyone’s life, that moment when ‘It’s not the way I want it!” ― Charlotte Joko Beck

 

Post about this and that

09 Friday Dec 2022

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me, Food

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I want to post more, I do.  I start writing a post, then I get busy or distracted; by the time I get back to it, it feels like old news and I start a new one.  I need to break this pattern.  I am going to try.  Until then, these are some of the topics/posts unfinished.

“How can a nation be called great if its bread tastes like kleenex?” ― Julia Child

Friends and baked goods.  This past weekend we met friends in Edison, NJ.  That is the half way point between my home in NY and theirs in PA.  The wife is a baker that likes to try new recipes.  She is so gracious and will gives us breads and other goodies on our birthday and for Christmas.  This time she gave my sister a box full of savory goods, and me one with sweets.  As that is our preference.

She makes a bunch of different items throughout the months and always saves us a sample.  My only complaint, if I can’t be that ungrateful, is that I was eager to have the scones, but she decided to flavor them this time with ginger. It was too strong for me.  But there were plenty of other goodies for me to try, such as the mini chocolate chip muffins below.

I feel beyond grateful to have kind, thoughtful friends, that like to bake!!!

mini chocolate chip muffins for breakfast just because

“We are made for loving. If we don’t love, we will be like plants without water.” ― Desmond Tutu

The Christmas cactuses are blooming.  The plants in my office continue to thrive. The picture below is from the beginning of the week.  Today they look even better and by next week all the buds will probably be in bloom.  I will take another picture them.

Christmas cactus starting to bloom

My Brazil jersey is a guy magnet.  Well, if the guy is a soccer loving one.  Since the World Cup is in the winter, I cannot show off my Brazilian jersey outdoors.  The 3 guys that saw me in the hall at work immediately smiled and approached me to talk about the World Cup.

Two of the guys I had crossed paths with before and there was never a hello.  All of a sudden they are my best friends.  That is the beauty of the World Cup.  It unites people in fun.

World Cup is on – Go Brazil!!

“The first World Cup I remember was in the 1950 when I was 9 or 10 years old. My father was a soccer player, and there was a big party, and when Brazil lost to Uruguay, I saw my father crying.” -Pele

Ultimatums are useless with me. I received an ultimatum from a person listed in my phone as “Waste of time”. He said it in the voice mail: “This is the last time I am calling you and leaving you a voice mail”.  I thought to myself: thank you!!

This is a person that I had one date with several years ago.  A couple of times a year he will call, waste my time on the phone complaining of how busy with work he is.  Then he will say that we need to get together and he will reach out when he has more time to meet.

Every time he called or texted I was polite and answered, but by now I had enough and blocked him.  So I don’t even see when it rings, I only get the voice mail. And now it seems I am free from that also.

I wish him well, but I am happy to never hear from him again.

“Relationships are negotiated and if you deal with ultimatums and authority all the time, then you’re not going to get anywhere.” – Phil McGraw

REPOST: AN ALPHABET OF GRATITUDE!!

05 Monday Dec 2022

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Finding Me

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This post is now over 10 years old.  I have gotten some comments on it lately and decided to repost it.  I am still grateful for everything listed and need to add so many more things to it.  For now I am just reposting it as is.  I will create a new gratitude list and post it in the near future.

Continue to find things to be grateful for in your life! Be grateful for the little or much you have and much more will come.

I know I left out a lot things I am grateful for.  I am sure I will remember a few more every time I look at this post. (like life, breath, water, freedom of choice, etc 🙂

A-ANDREA and ANIMALS – I am grateful for my identical twin sister. I am grateful for having a partner in crime right in the womb! She rocks!  The world is a better place because ANIMALS are in it!

B-BREAD and BED – So grateful for not having to worry about having food to eat and a bed to sleep. I am blessed! I feel so safe in my bed and I really enjoy my food!


C- CAR, CHOCOLATE and CLOUDS – I am grateful for having transport.  After 1 year without chocolate I am grateful for the flavor of chocolate.  Every time I look up and see clouds they make me realize the wonder of it all! and sometimes I see a bunny!

D-DANCING and DOORS – I am grateful for the love of dancing. I am grateful for the opening of new doors and opportunities every day.

E-EX and EXPERIENCES – I am grateful for my EX and all other exes before, Ex-boyfriend, Ex-boss, ex-friend, etc, all of them provides EXPERIENCES that enabled me to grow and be where I am today.


F-FAMILY, FRIEND and FORGIVENESS – So grateful for having my family and friends, a support group that I can always count on. FORGIVENESS is at the heart of any progress and moving forward in my life. Forgiveness is what makes relationships work.


G-GOD and GRATITUDE and GOALS – I am grateful for believing in a GOD that loves me and wants only the best for me! I am grateful for a grateful heart!

H-HARMONY and HEROS –  I am grateful for a harmonious life. I am great for daily heros, for people that I encounter and have encountered in my life that have provided with inspiration.

I-INSPIRATION and INTUITION – I am grateful for moments of intuition and inspiration – those challenge me and make progress in the right direction.

J-JOB and JOY – I am grateful for a job that allows me not to worry about food and shelter.  I am grateful for all the joys in my life, big and small.

K- KISS – I am grateful for the joys and beauty of a kiss. There is nothing better in life!

L- LOVE – I am grateful for believing in love and having love in my heart!

M-MUSIC and MISSION –  I am grateful for being able to have amazing beautiful soundtrack for my life! I am grateful for believing I have a mission in life and for not giving up in its search.


N- NEVER – I am grateful for not believing in the word NEVER and always believeing that there is a chance!

O- OPTIMISM– I am grateful for my eternal optimism.

P – PEACE AND PAIN – I believe and strive for peace. I believe PAIN is the catalyst for major progress in life.

Q-QUOTES and QUESTIONS – I love quotes, my Facebook will attest to that! QUESTIONS keeps my mind open and challenge me to not accept things as is.


R- RAIN – I am grateful for everything about rain. The benefits, the sound, the appearance.

S-SOLITUDE and SKIING – I am grateful for enjoying moments of SOLITUDE. I am happy and grateful for having skiing as one of the new challenges in my life.

T- TOLERANCE and TENNIS –  I am grateful for having a tolerant heart and grateful for everything about the game of TENNIS – playing and watching and the fun outfits.


U- UNIVERSE and UNICORN –  I am so grateful for believing that the UNIVERSE is always on my side. I am grateful for believing in unicorns.

V – VACATIONS – I am grateful for having vacations – a change to renew and recharge.

W – WOMAN and WONDER and WRITING – I am grateful for being a woman, full of wonder. I am full of hormones and feelings and WONDER about the world.


X – XMAS and XYLOTOL– hey X is a hard word! Even though I am a little ambivalent about Xmas, who doesn’t enjoy the blinking lights. Sugar free gum is king.

Y- YOUTH, YOUTH OF HEART AND MIND – I am grateful for youth – for what the next generation will bring. I am grateful for my youthful self, for feeling like I am 25 years old most of the time.

Z-ZUMBA – I am grateful for burning calories while doing something I love.

A kiss full of color and whimsy

03 Saturday Dec 2022

Posted by in Daily Life, Mosaic and other crafts

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“You should be kissed and by someone who knows how.” ― Margaret Mitchell

My love affair with mosaics continues.  For this next piece I used a painting that I saw online as inspiration. Watercolor paint and glass tiles are very different materials to work with, so I knew the result would be very different.

I am happy with this first attempt. I will try it again with different materials and colors.  At times I still struggle with having the patience not to rush with a project, and the result usually reflects that.

Wishing you all a blessed weekend!  And if you have the chance, kiss!

“When my date takes me home and kisses me good night, if I don’t hear the philharmonic in my head, I dump him.” — The Mirror Has Two Faces

“I didn’t want to kiss you goodbye — that was the trouble — I wanted to kiss you good night — and there’s a lot of difference.” ― Ernest Hemingway 

“I kissed him hard. The few people in the bar must have been thinking that all they were seeing was just a kiss. They didn’t know that this kiss stood for my whole life – and his life, as well. The life of anyone who has waited, dreamed, and searched for their true path.

The moment of that kiss contained every happy moment I had ever lived.” ― Paulo Coelho, By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept

I have World Cup Fever

01 Thursday Dec 2022

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World Cup games are on!

“Football is the ballet of the masses.” –― Dmitri Shostakovich

I love the World Cup.  I am from Brazil, so that maybe a given.  I don’t love the World Cup in December and in Qatar, but that is what we have, so I am going to enjoy it.

Lucky for me all the brokers work from home, so at the office I can watch whatever I want.  In the office is just my assistant/co-worker and I.  The boss/partner stops by once every month or two.

I get to watch all the games from my desk.  It is not the same as watching from home, but it is not too bad.  I go home to watch all of Brazil’s games. Brazil is doing well so far.  It has already advanced to the round of 16, so tomorrow’s game is mostly practice for the players on the reserve.

Of course I hope Brazil wins it it all.  But the competition is fierce, and we don’t always play our best game. May the most deserving team win!  I do love when an underdog wins.

I love the energy and fun of the World Cup.  I love to see all the fans dressed in their team color.  The next World Cup will be in 2026 and will be shared by the US, Canada and Mexico.  I am already planning on attending a game or two 🙂

“Soccer isn’t the same as Bach or Buddhism. But it is often more deeply felt than religion, and just as much a part of the community’s fabric, a repository of traditions.” ― Franklin Foer

Everything is better with plants!

28 Monday Nov 2022

Posted by in Daily Life

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I am having issues with my blog. All of a sudden I cannot do my post the old classic way, I have to use Block. I predict some struggles ahead. So please bear with me while I learn and adjust.

These are the beautiful plants in my office. The morning sun here is glorious and the plants love it!

“Love and work are to people what water and sunshine are to plants.”
― Jonathan Haidt, The Happiness Hypothesis: Finding Modern Truth in Ancient Wisdom


“Don’t judge each day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds that you plant.”
― Robert Louis Stevenson

“When you see a tiny plant, flower or tree in a dark stone street, be happy as if you saw a friend you love very much, and be even happier because this is such a friend that does wonderful things for your existence, it gives you oxygen!”
― Mehmet Murat ildan

Thanksgiving, today and always

24 Thursday Nov 2022

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“Take full account of what Excellencies you possess, and in gratitude remember how you would hanker after them, if you had them not.”
― Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

Thank you my reader and friend for your likes and comments. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and experience. Thank you for your time and energy!

Wishing you a wonderfully blessed thanksgiving.   May you have health and peace.  May your table be full and your home warm! May you continue to find more and more reasons to give thanks!

“I am grateful for what I am and have. My thanksgiving is perpetual. It is surprising how contented one can be with nothing definite – only a sense of existence. Well, anything for variety. I am ready to try this for the next ten thousand years, and exhaust it. How sweet to think of! my extremities well charred, and my intellectual part too, so that there is no danger of worm or rot for a long while. My breath is sweet to me. O how I laugh when I think of my vague indefinite riches. No run on my bank can drain it, for my wealth is not possession but enjoyment.” ― Henry David Thoreau

 

Happily dismissed

23 Wednesday Nov 2022

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As I was deciding what to say if the attorney asked me on a 4th date, he kindly resolved things for me with this text:

I cannot pretend to feel something I don’t.  If a date is paying attention they will know exactly how I feel without my having to say a single word.  My body, my face, my actions and inactions betray my feelings from the get go.  I am very transparent.

Although I imagined he had realized that there was zero chemistry, I still thought perhaps he would ask me out again.  Some people are oblivious.  I am grateful he wrote, so I didn’t have to feel I was letting him down.  

It was fun being out with an old-fashioned gentleman.  I hope he finds a nice lady.  I am just a bit surprised that he texted and didn’t call.  I guess he is not that old-fashioned after all.

“Rushing into action, you fail.
Trying to grasp things, you lose them.
Forcing a project to completion,
you ruin what was almost ripe.

Therefore the Master takes action
by letting things take their course.
He remains as calm at the end
as at the beginning.
He has nothing,
thus has nothing to lose.
What he desires is non-desire;
what he learns is to unlearn.
He simply reminds people
of who they have always been.
He cares about nothing but the Tao.
Thus he can care for all things.”

― Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching