Category Archives: Finding Me

Anything related to the discovery of the inner me

At this very moment I choose to be happy – I will never have a chance to live this moment again!

02 Friday Feb 2024

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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I AM STILL CLEANING OUT MY DRAFTS FOLDER.  FROM 260 DRAFTS, I AM DOWN TO THE LAST 60 – YIPPIE – PROGRESS!!!

THIS IS FROM A TIME I WAS STILL STRUGGLING AFTER THE BREAK UP. AROUND 2014. I WAS STRUGGLING THINKING OF ALL I HAD LOST, INSTEAD OF APPRECIATING ALL I HAD.

THIS IS ME, REMINDING MYSELF TO BE GRATEFUL!

We have a saying in Brazil that goes like this: “Eu era feliz e nao sabia!”. It means: I was happy and didn’t know it!

To me, it means that, oftentimes we are too busy thinking about what we want and don’t have, to notice all the great stuff we have.

We let amazing sunrises and sunsets go bye unnoticed and unappreciated. We let simple amazing moments go by.

We take things for granted, not realizing how great life really is at the moment.  We take jobs for granted, we take people for granted, until they are gone.

We want happiness, but in the search of happiness, we miss happy moments. In search of destination, we miss the journey.  In search of results, I miss the beauty of the process.

The key to happiness, or perhaps I will not even go that far, but the key to a good life is to enjoy fully whatever you are doing in this exact moment.

I want to make sure I enjoy single life and all its goodness instead of the ‘victim’ in me feeling bad that I didn’t have any kids and,  that is now the holidays and my family is thousands miles away and,  I don’t have anyone to snuggle with at night.

I am looking at the good side of singlehood! Living alone, watching what I want when I want, eating or not eating,

I can do what I choose, when I choose, with whom I choose.  I don’t have to make excuses for anybody else.

The lesson: appreciate what you have at this very moment, no matter what it is. It doesn’t last.

At this very moment someone is wishing they were safe, warm, had something to eat.  At this very moment I am crying over someone that doesn’t care. How pathetic of me!

I need to stop, and realize that this moment is unique and wonderful.  At this very moment I choose to be happy.  I am learning to stop, breath and appreciate.

Some days are easy. Some days it takes a conscious effort to remember to cherish the details, to cherish the simple. Some days it takes effort to be grateful.

Feeling lazy today…

30 Tuesday Jan 2024

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Finding Me

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“Laziness is not particularly terrible or wonderful. Rather it has a basic living quality that deserves to be experienced just as it is. Perhaps we’ll find an irritating, pulsating quality in laziness. We might feel it as dull and heavy or as vulnerable and raw. Whatever we discover, as we explore it further, we find nothing to hold on to, nothing solid, only groundless, wakeful energy.

This process of experiencing laziness directly and nonverbally is transformative. It unlocks a tremendous energy that is usually blocked by our habit of running away. This is because when we stop resisting laziness, our identity as the one who is lazy begins to fall apart completely. Without the blinders of ego, we connect with a fresh outlook, a greater vision. This is how laziness—or any other demon—introduces us to the compassionate life.”

― Pema Chödrön

Welcome Pain! My door is open!

28 Sunday Jan 2024

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, EX Files, Finding Me

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THIS WAS WRITTEN IN APRIL 2012.  I AM CLEANING OUT MY DRAFTS FOLDER AND EITHER PUBLISING OR DELETING SOME POSTS. Please forgive typos.

I DECIDED TO PUBLISH THIS ONE,  EVEN THOUGH IT WAS WRITTEN LONG AGO. IT WAS FROM A TIME THAT I WAS IN A LOT PAIN, STILL FROM THE BREAK UP.  I HAVE LEARNED A LOT SINCE THEN, AND I STILL BELIEVE IN APPROACHING PROBLEMS AS LESSONS AND OPPORTUNITIES. Please forgive typos.

“These pains you feel are messengers. Listen to them.”― Rumi

If pain is growth, if pain is where the light comes in, as Rumi says.  Then, by all means, pain come in.  You and all your friends: dramas, headaches, problems, etc

Come in, all at once, if you can.  I want to grow a lot, and fast.

When you look at a problem, not as a problem, but as a lesson or a challenge, it is no longer a problem.  From that moment on, it becomes an opportunity.  Immediately, right from the start, the problem doesn’t own you, you own the problem.  You are in control and at the driver’s seat.

I am learning to look at a situation from different points of view, but never as a victim. I choose to be a student ready to learn some specific lesson.  How wonderful that I have been chosen to learn this lesson.

My only job here is to learn it.  I am learning how to step back and access the situation, analyze it, inspect it and then choose how to handle it. Do I need to attack it or just let it be, and let nature take its course.

I no longer have to attack every situation head on.  The Aries in me is learning to stop and let things happen.  Let nature take its course knowing that the best outcome will be mine if I don’t react, but deal with things with a level head and peaceful heart.

It is not easy not to react, and because it is not easy, it makes it even more rewarding.  I already knew in  my heart that no matter what comes my way, I will always be okay.  The more I learn the lessons, the more life gets better and better.  I no longer think I am going to be okay, I know, in fact, that I am going to be more amazing and more blessed each day.

I now look forward to going to bed because I can’t wait for my tomorrow to start.

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” – Rumi

Fully embracing possibilities… Fully embracing you…

23 Tuesday Jan 2024

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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As I continue to clean up my Drafts Folder, I have to make a decision: delete or publish. This one I am publishing, just because I don’t want to delete it, and I don’t want to just let it sit there.

PLEASE NOTE: This was written in July 3rd, 2012.  It was the first year of this blog.  I was still struggling with the break up that made me start this blog, but I was hopeful.  I am not doing any editing, just publishing as is.

This one I wrote around

Please forgive this old foolish heart

I am not 15 I just play the part

My head spins and my body is in a rush

so don’t mind the writings of a teenager and her first crush

Bloated, sugar crazy, cry baby, PMS raging in full bloom

In the TV Wimbledon in on, Sharapova grunts fill the room

I hear your voice; it calms the fire breathing dragon within me

It waltzes through my ears, dances into my heart – I smile with glee

I float in the air of possibilities; you bring me back with your concerns

I think of sweet soft kisses, you remember the painful burns

I am in love with falling in love, that intoxicating and blinding feeling

You fear I am on the rebound; you don’t want to be left reeling

Can’t make promises, can’t read the future, can only give you now

I will communicate, love and respect.  Honesty is my vow

Your heart and body says yes, your head wants to ban

I mention killing this eternal curiosity and we start to plan

The clock says 12:30 and I am still Cinderella

I want so much to take the next Acella

We are blessed to be able to dream and plan, 2 kids in a candy store

When? Where? Here or there? I just want to see you walk through the door

On the TV there is a Russian or perhaps a German playing  yet another game

My mind swirls with delight as I picture your mouth as it says my name

I have to get up, brush my teeth, take a shower and get ready to bed

But how can I act so normal with all the is going on in my head?

I wake up with a smile on my face

Feeling like a runner on his best race

My jaw hurts, was I smiling the whole night?

Dreaming of you my white knight?

The spinach is slow dancing with the egg in the pan

Is my breakfast aware of my plan?

The super says how are you and I want to spill the beans

I am happy, blessed in love, I can’t help it is in my genes

Grand Central is specially crowded on this day before a holiday

I go deliberately slow, my mind still thinking of yesterday

Young and old carrying bags, some going, some coming back

I am basking in the knowledge that you decided to give it a crack

I cross 39th Street smiling, people must think I am a looney

I look around and wonder why is everyone so gloomy

You are going all out, daring to dream, willing to risk, I like you taking a stand

I tremble when I think about the first time; the first time you hold my hand

So here I am on 34th, work beckons, no work actually screams

I will whistle while I work, so happy that I am bursting at the seams

I want to be your cutie, your babe, the one that makes you scream

You will be my lover and friend and the one that makes me dream

My life is in the Drafts folder

13 Saturday Jan 2024

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Finding Me

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“Sometimes it’s about working with your bad parts, not fixing them.”
― Leah Thomas, Nowhere Near You

Hello friends, 

Tomorrow will be one week since I arrived in Florida.  This time we drove.  18 hours!   It was not bad.  We took turns driving.  We left Saturday at 2:30am.  We were supposed to spend the Saturday night at a hotel halfway there.   

I suggested driving directly to Florida, because… I am me… I like results, I like getting there.  Yes, it is about the journey, not the destination.  Sometimes I forget that.  Michael took the wait and see approach. He wanted to see how tired he was going to be, and also watch the tired.

In the end, we drove 18 hours including the multiple breaks, and arrived at Michael’s place at 8:30pm.  We both agreed that it was the best decision.  We weren’t tired, and we had the whole Sunday to get stuff in order before my work on Monday.

Since I arrived here, I have been overwhelmed with office work.  This is my busiest time.  I have an audit to submit, compliance review, bonus calculations, taxes, etc.

I hope there will be some time to relax before we get back to NY.  I probably work harder in Florida than in NY.  I guess I don’t want to make it seem that I am in Florida relaxing instead of working. 

I am still struggling with work/life balance.  I need to work less, and have more fun.  More mosaics, more exercise, more blogging, more reading, more skiing.  No more crying about it, I will just keep trying to do better next time.

I have so much to write about… gosh, it is the same song and dance every time.  I will try to do better 😊 The goal is the same: to write more and to publish posts instead of leaving them in Drafts folder.  With that in mind, I am hitting publish on this mess.   Please forgive the typos. 

Have a wonderful weekend! You are loved and deserving of the best weekend ever – go claim it!!

ps. I meant to post it yesterday, and of course, I forgot it in the Drafts 🙂

Sunday in Poços de Caldas, MG – Brazil, Nov 25, 2023

11 Monday Dec 2023

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me, travels

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“The reason birds can fly and we can’t is simply because they have perfect faith, for to have faith is to have wings.” ― J.M. Barrie, The Little White Bird

After visiting with my aunt, my cousin gave us a ride back downtown – we had walked to my aunt’s.   We went to Thermas Antonio Carlos to inquire about getting some spa treatments. 

Thermas Antonio Carlos is a bathhouse that was built at the end of 1920s, and inaugurated in March 1931.  It was a place for sick people to get sulfurous baths and other treatments.  Today it has been completely restored and it is mostly frequented by tourists. 

They have also added a couple of stores with natural products and also a café/restaurant.  The café overlooks a water fountain and also leads to the outdoor areas that also has a few tables.

We scheduled an ofuro bath and massages for the end of the day.  From there we went to the Bird Zoo.

We don’t like to see animals in cages, but this place is more like a sanctuary.  They gave the birds a lot room.  They also rescue old and sick ones.

We hadn’t had lunch yet when we got there, but the place had only sweet snacks. I had a brownie and Michael had a banana nut cake.

It was fun to see and read about the beautiful birds. We spent a couple of hours there.   There are a lot benches throughout, so from time to time we sat and just took in the beauty of nature, and the realization of how blessed we are.

From there we went back to the bathhouse for our treatments.  We could have the bath treatment in separate tubs, but we chose to be together in an ofuro – wooden soaking tub.  We could choose a scent and an oil.  We chose lavender and rosemary.  It smelled delicious!  It was so relaxing.

After having the bath on the second floor, we went to our massages.  It was odd, my massage was on the first floor and Michael’s was on the third.  It is a big place with many tubs and masseuses. We got the relaxing massage, and it was.  I think I fell asleep.  Next time I will probably choose another type of massage, such as a lymphatic massage.

After the massage, instead of eating at the café there we decided to walk around and see what else was out there.  Michael mentioned pasta, so I decided to go to the oldest restaurant in town, Cantina do Araujo.  The food was very good, but the service lousy.  Our waitress was inattentive.  She brought our order to the table and never came back.  We had to flag other waiters to get water and then the bill.

On Monday morning, we returned the rental, got my sister’s car and drove to my hometown.  I worked Monday and Tuesday.  On Wednesday we left Brazil and got into NY at 5:30am on Thursday.  It was the perfect time to arrive.  There was no traffic getting home.

Our next adventure will be in Park City, Utah.  Park City was our first trip, just a couple of weeks after we first met. It will be nice to go back.

Here are some pictures of our Sunday in Poços De Caldas, Minas Gerais- Brazil.

“Some birds are not meant to be caged, that’s all. Their feathers are too bright, their songs too sweet and wild. So you let them go, or when you open the cage to feed them they somehow fly out past you. And the part of you that knows it was wrong to imprison them in the first place rejoices, but still, the place where you live is that much more drab and empty for their departure.” ― Stephen King,  Shawshank Redemption

 

Spending a day Celebration, Florida

22 Sunday Oct 2023

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Finding Me, Food, travels

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Yesterday, Michael and I spent the day in the very charming community called Celebration.  We had a late lunch/early dinner at Regianno’s and ice cream at Kilwins.

It was my dear friend Kat from lifetreeandcoffee.wordpress.com who recommended it all.  Thank you, thank you!! We loved everything!

The town is so charming and friendly. We chatted with a bunch of local people.

“It is good people who make good places.”
― Anna Sewell, Black Beauty

Here are some of the pictures from the day:

Charming town

Watching the peaceful Lake Rianhard

Next time, we will rent a bike to go around the park

Happy to say we didn’t see any of those

Lovely park

I believe it is some kind of diving duck

Drinks at Reggiano’s

Toasted coconut and pumpkin ice cream at Kilwins

I have some additional pictures on my Instagram https://www.instagram.com/blessedwithastar

Embracing the Florida way of life

18 Wednesday Oct 2023

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Finding Me, Food, travels

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“Blessed are the flexible, for change is inevitable. To fulfill our true destiny as spiritual beings we must trust in our divine power to adapt.” ― Anthon St. Maarten

Eight months ago, if you asked me if I would ever live in Florida, I will respond: NEVER!  And now here I am!  And it feels right and good! 

The plan is to inject more fun and life into my days.  I plan to work remotely from Florida, Brazil, and other possible traveling locations. 

Right now I am in Florida for a couple of weeks. So far working from here has been perfect. My computer, monitors, etc, all arrived and are working perfectly.

Our condo is in a golfing community. It has been quiet and calming.  In NY I am surrounded by huge building constructions, with the noise starting at 6am, Monday through Saturday. This silence has been a welcomed and desired change of pace.

We arrived on Saturday and the weather has been absolutely perfect – warm days and cool nights.  We are not right on the beach, we are a 25 minute drive from it. Most evenings will either drive to the beach for long walks or walk around where we live.

This new life is amazing!  I am so blessed and I know it!

Always a Delta fan – well, will see how it will go with the new changes to their rewards program.  We were upgraded to First Class.

Great meal for a 2 and half hour flight – it tastes so much better than it looks.  Even if I am not hungry I will always accept the meal/snack, as I am always curious, and afraid I will be missing out.

My view while I work.  I look out of the balcony and hear birds and see palm trees.  I could get used to this.

My new mode of transportation.  We don’t normally use it, other than to make sure that it continues in good working conditions.  We are not golfers, and normally opt to walk, instead of ride.

New Smyrna Beach at sunset.  A gorgeous cool evening.  Along the walk we encountered a couple of people only.

New Smyrna Beach – This life feels like a vacation.

Lonely bird fishing at night.

“With change being an inevitable element in our lives, we have only two options. Either embrace it and live life to the fullest or be stuck in the comfort zone of a compromised life.” ― Mohith Agadi

Key Word: ACCEPTANCE

10 Tuesday Oct 2023

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Finding Me

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“Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it.” ― Ann Landers

I have been cleaning up my Drafts Folder.  There were 260 posts just sitting there waiting to be rediscovered.  

I am  reading every single one and deciding either to delete or to save them to be polished and published.

I have gone through about 40 so far.  All from 2012 – the year I started blogging.  It has been interesting to read my unpublished thoughts for that year.

At the end of 2011, the world as I knew it came to an abrupt end.  I found out my then boyfriend was cheating on me.  He never acknowledged the cheating and callously told me to move out.  I thought I would die from the heartbreak.

I didn’t die. Today I can see that he did me a favor by letting me go.  His life at the moment is in shambles, and I would be embroiled in that mess right along with him.  (I know his situation because I was contacted by the woman that has been living with him since we broke up – I am going to save that story for the future.) 

“For after all, the best thing one can do when it is raining is let it rain.”
― Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

I wanted to have a blog for many years prior to that, but never followed through on that.  Until the pain in my soul was so intense that I needed an outlet to get it out.   Well, the pain and my sister.

My sister told me that she was fearing for my sanity.  She said I had become obsessed with all things him. It was only then that I realized I was making her crazy with the multiple phone calls to talk about the breakup. 

This blog saved my sanity and hers.    I don’t think I drove anyone crazy here :-), instead I made many friends that provided me with words of comfort and support.

“Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery.” ― J.K. Rowling

Anyway, one of the main themes on the posts for 2012 is ACCEPTANCE. 

I spent a lot time trying to come to terms with the breakup. The turning point was when I saw the need to just accept the situation.

Things changed when I decided to accept the situation as a fact.  I stopped denying what had happened.  I stopped fantasizing about a reconciliation. I stopped second guessing my actions and trying to assign blame.

When I stopped trying to control the situation, it not longer controlled me. I simply accepted it. 

Well, perhaps not so simply.  It took me years to get over that breakup.  I realized the pain was not about him, but about the fairy-tale I created in my mind.  I didn’t want to lose the fairy-tale.

I struggled most with understanding why I thought he was the one, and why he did what he did. Until the day came that I realized that I would never understand it, and further more, I didn’t need to understand it.  I just needed to accept it.

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” ― Lao Tzu

Die with Zero: Getting All You Can from Your Money and Your Life

21 Thursday Sep 2023

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me, Reviews

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“What Good Is Wealth Without Health?”

I am attempting to read all the books that I have sitting around my apartment. I will be posting very short reviews as I finish them.  I am not sure if I should call them reviews.  I will be writing about what I personally get from each book.  What did the book make me think about and how it applies to my life, if at all.  It is not meant to describe the whole book.

I just finished “Die with Zero: Getting All You Can from Your Money and Your Life”, by Bill Perkins.

Main book ideas for me:

  1. Stop accumulating money to spend when you are older; start using it now. Spend money on the things you love while you are young and healthy to really enjoy them.  Most people wait until retirement to start spending money on what brings them joy.  By that time, they may not have the health and energy to fully enjoy the activities they dreamed of.
  2. Confronting our mortality.  We have a finite time on this earth.  What we take from it are the experiences we have, and the memories we make.

I realize I often choose saving over spending. I do spend money on essentials, some travel, and on family and friends.  In that last one, I will spare no expenses to help or treat them. I rather spend money on my family then on myself, and I often do.

“Think about what you really want out of this life in terms of meaningful and memorable experiences.”

I have always thought about making sure that I have money in case of an emergency, if I lose my job, or if my family ever needs anything.  Coming from nothing, I want to make sure that, my family and I, will never want for anything in life.

Yesterday, while catching up with my first boss in the US, she said: ‘You were always a saver.  Even when you were just a teenager, you never spent any money.”

Funny, that I really never thought about that.  I will spend money on myself but cautiously, mostly with traveling. I used to spend with nails, hair, massages, etc  but lately I am not even doing that.  I will get a massage every now and then.  For hair and nails, I always become impatient waiting for those services.  Plus some of the NY prices are crazy.

As far as clothes, I want to have less.  I never cared for material stuff, and I am having less and less interest in anything material. I want a life freer and simpler, but with enough money to do whatever I want.  I want to spend a lot time traveling and not maintaining stuff.

“The business of life is the acquisition of memories. In the end that’s all there is.”

Reading this book now, when Michael just came into my life, makes me more inspired to live more.  Michael saved money while young, with the aim of retiring at 55 years old, which he did.  He has been enjoying his life since then.  He is now 61.  I want to enjoy life with him. I want to spend more money and time acquiring experiences and memories, and not items that will weigh me down.

I cannot retire right at this moment for a couple of reasons.  My company needs me, and I need my company, for the health insurance and for the good salary.  So this book is perfect for me, as it reminds me not to wait for retirement, but live it up now. So, the planning for more fun, more travel, less working days is already in motion.

This book is also perfect for the person that has been over-saving, so focused on savings for the future that he forgets to live in the now.  Still, I believe and advocate balance in all areas. One cannot forget about making sure one has enough to live well in old age. The worst thing that could happen is to have to come out of retirement because one has ran out of money.

“What’s the takeaway here? Being aware that your time is limited can clearly motivate you to make the most of the time you do have.”

*all quotes are from the book

so this became very long, but if I edit, it will never be published, so here it goes.  Sorry for typos, etc