Category Archives: Dating

Wanting a boyfriend on this Valentine’s Day!

14 Wednesday Feb 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“You may be lonely in St. Valentine’s Day, but you must know that love is like an air, it is everywhere! You shall find it in any day and anywhere!” – Mehmet Murat Ildan

I was talking to my sister about Valentine’s Day.  She just started living in the US this year so the concept of Valentine’s Day is new to her.  In Brazil we have Dia dos Namorados, which is often translated as Lover’s Day, but literally means Day of Boyfriend/Girlfriend.  It is on June 12 and it is meant only for people that are in a romantic relationship.

I said to her that I wanted to write a post about Valentine’s Day, but I didn’t want to write one of those posts about dating and loving yourself.  She said: Write about that.  Write about not wanting to write about that.

So here it is: I will not write about dating and loving myself on this Valentine’s Day. I feel it is somewhat expected that someone so positive and single like me would write something like that.

I don’t want to tout here that if you are single you should be loving and dating yourself today.  You should be loving yourself every day.  If you don’t, start now and every day going forward.  Don’t wait until Valentine’s Day to realize that you can have fun by yourself and treat yourself.

If you can’t first love yourself you will never be ready to love someone else and you will never attract good loving people into your life.

My truth is that I want a boyfriend and I wish I had one today and every day.

No, I am not depressed or feeling sad.  I am actually very happy with the way my life is right now.  Things are the way they are supposed to be.  I have to be and I am ok with not having a boyfriend at the moment because I know the right person will eventually come.  There is no need to rush things or to be with the wrong person.  Given a choice of alone or with the wrong person, I will take alone any day.

I love myself but I don’t want to date myself, especially on Valentine’s Day. I am not going to fool myself with special treats.  I don’t need that.  I already treat myself often.  I get myself flowers every week, I get massages, I get chocolates (too often), I go to dinners, etc, any time my heart desires. Yes, I do spoil myself.  I don’t deprive myself of anything I really want.

If I made a point of doing anything special today to me it would be a charade.   I don’t want to come up with some gimmicky ploy to feel better on Valentine’s Day.   It is what it is, and it is perfectly okay to be alone.

Being single is okay.  Being single and happy is great.  Being single, happy and wanting not to be single is okay too.   I much rather be in a loving relationship and celebrate it with that person than being single today and any other day.

My boyfriend for now is still a thought in my mind, a song in my heart, a twinkle in my eye, a rainbow in the sky.  He will come.  I have faith.  If he doesn’t it is okay but I will not sit here and pretend that today, of all days, I don’t wish he was already here.

On a second thought, how about going out of your way to send love to someone else that is alone today?

Thinking of love and the love that will eventually come I leave everyone with these awesome words by another one of my favorite poets:  Kahlil Gibran.

When love beckons to you, follow him, though his ways are hard and steep. And when
his wings enfold you, yield to him, though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.

And when he speaks to you believe in him, though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden. For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you.

Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning. Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun, so shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself. He threshes you to make you naked. He sifts you to free you from your husks. He grinds you to whiteness. He kneads you until you are pliant; and then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God’s sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life’s heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love’s peace and love’s pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love’s threshing-floor into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself. Love possesses not nor
would it be possessed, for love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, “God is in my heart,” but rather, “I am in the heart of God. And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself. But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:

To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love’s ecstasy.
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

― Kahlil Gibran, Le Prophète

 

Should I go or should I stay?

04 Sunday Feb 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“It does not take much strength to do things, but it requires a great deal of strength to decide what to do.” – Elbert Hubbard

This morning I received a text from Peter.  If you have been following my dating misadventures you know he is the guy that was acting all interested about me and then all of a sudden just faded away.  You can look back to some previous post to get the whole picture.

Here is the text from this morning:

 

It is interesting that he seems to blame the fact that we stopped seeing each other on me.  If one is not aware of the facts it would seem the guy was doing his best and I was not understanding, when that is not the way it is at all.

This is a man that made all kinds of promises.  He said that he worked in the city a few times a week, and he also said he didn’t mind driving to come to my town to see me.  He also had plenty of chances to say that before.  What am I to think or do when he is not making an effort?  There is really only one conclusion:  He was not interested anymore.

Why can’t a man just say that he is not interested anymore?  Why must they play games and use flimsy excuses? Why can’t a person just say: I have changed my mind.  We were just getting to know each other so it is perfectly understandable if either one changes their mind after getting to know each other better.

I replied  to that text saying that I understood it and that I was glad he was okay. I don’t understand it but it is easier to accept than to go back and forth on a subject that no longer matters. It would feel like beating a dead horse…pointless!

He asked me the date of the Opera.  He got the tickets for February 16th so I am not sure why he thinks it is on February 12.  He emailed me the confirmation to print the tickets when he got them so he still has them and can check them himself.  Perhaps that is more game playing on his part.

Impulsive that I am I said I was still going with him, but I am now wondering if I should go.

A side of me says: Go, have fun, why not?  You want to see La Boheme, he had promised you that.  Why should you miss it?

Another side says:  He acted like an —hole, he is still acting like one.  You don’t need him to take you to the opera, you can buy your own tickets any time.  He doesn’t deserve your company and energy.

I have 12 days to decide what to do.  We shall see how I feel by then. So many things can change by then.

“Trust your heart if the seas catch fire, live by love though the stars walk backward.” – E.E.Cummings

One thing I know for sure is that I don’t want anything with him romantically.  Now my doubt is if trying to have a friendship is a good idea or if some people are just not worth of the title of “friend”.

Forgiveness is a necessity not a luxury!

01 Thursday Feb 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” – Mahatma Gandhi

I was talking to a friend the other day and I was shocked at how bitter she still is over something that happened years ago.  She still foams at the mouth anytime she recounts the events.

There is no reason for her to be reliving the past other than hurt and to feel like a victim again.  I guess it feeds something in her, otherwise she wouldn’t be doing it.

I tried telling her to let it go, that holding anger in is only hurting herself.  It only keeps her in the past, not allowing her to move on.

She was not listening.  She said that I couldn’t possibly understand all she went through.  She forgets I do understand. I probably have gone through more, I just choose not to advertise and live in it like she does it.

She also starts talking about how she hopes that that person is suffering now.  There is nothing more unattractive and distasteful to me than vengeance. I don’t understand it.  I don’t see what someone gains with it.

I have stopped trying to reason with her.  Now I just listen when it is unavoidable, and change the subject as soon as possible.

“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.” – Steve Maraboli

Today my message is for her, but since she is not ready to receive perhaps somebody else is, and it also serves as a reminder for myself to look around and see if I am really being as forgiving as I like to think I am.

The harder something is to forgive the more you need to forgive and the freer you will feel when you do it.  Forgiving is a gift you give yourself.  It is not easy but it feels so good.

Is there someone or something in your past that still has a hold on you?  Is there someone that you still think about it and it gets you angry, sad, and overwhelmed every time?

I am one of those people that easily get mad but I am even quicker to forgive.  I consider that a gift.  Most of the time I don’t even remember I was ever mad to begin with.

I believe in redemption, but I also believe in keeping my spirit light without carrying around the baggage and burden of anger and rancor.

Still there are times that even for me is not that simple.  At those times I need help and I pray.

Many of you know that I started this blog out of the pain of a broken heart.  Several years ago I thought I had met Prince Charming and for 3 years he treated me like a Princess.  Then one day I found out he was cheating.  There was no working it out, he didn’t want to.  He just asked me to move out.  Not only was he a cheater he was also an extremely cold human being.

Having the rug pulled out from under me was one of the hardest things I had to go through.  I was calling my sister multiple times a day until one day she said she was worried about my sanity.  At that moment I realized that I had no right to drive anyone else crazy over that.  Instead of calling her I started putting my pain on paper and then on the web, thus this blog was born.

“Behind every beautiful thing, there’s some kind of pain.” – Bob Dylan

At that point I went through all the stages of grief, more than once, and anger was there also. It was a tough period in my life. So I prayed, I prayed and then I prayed some more.

There is one specific prayer that I used and use often.  I use it when someone angers me, hurts me, anytime I see sadness and resentment building up inside me.

I was blessed to have grown up attending Seicho-No-Ie teachings.  Their teachings are about the power of the mind and the power of positive thinking. I am being overly simplistic here so feel free to read more online.  Even though it has been many years since I have studied anything regarding their teachings it is a prayer that I learned there that I turn to time and time again.

Forgiveness Prayer.  (Where it says “you” I normally add the name of the person or event)

“I have forgiven you. You have forgiven me. I have forgiven you. You have forgiven me.
You and I are one in God.
I love you. You love me. I love you. You love me.
You and I are one in God.
I am grateful to you. You are grateful to me. I am grateful to you. You are grateful to me.
You and I are one in God.
There is now no longer any ill feeling between you and me.
I wish you ever increasing happiness in the days to come.”

+++++

“I have forgiven all of these people. I surround each and every one of these people with God’s love. In the same way that I surround every one of these people with God’s love, He too forgives my mistakes. He surrounds me with infinite love.”

+++++

“God forgives you. Therefore, I too forgive you.”

What also helps me it to look at the person as a teacher and at the event as a lesson, as a vessel for my betterment.  I can see now how each experience has made me stronger.  If were not for my Ex I would have never had started this blog and have never encountered so many amazing friends with amazing life stories.  For that alone I would get hurt all over again.  For that I thank him.

“The wound is the place where the light enters you” – Rumi

Also very important is to not forget to forgive ourselves.  We make mistakes, daily, little and big ones.  We say what we didn’t mean to, we gossip, we forget to be nice, etc.  We hurt others.

We need to forgive ourselves also for the part we play in hurting ourselves.   We choose the wrong person to trust, to love, and we get fooled and hurt.

Forgive yourself, you are human and flawed, but you also have a loving heart, a trusting soul, a gentle spirit.  Never admonish yourself for being open to love.  That is one of our greatest gifts, the ability to love.

I am going to open my heart many times, and many times I will feel like a fool.  Many more times I will get hurt and cry.  Still I am going to continue doing it, because not trusting and not loving is not living. And life is too precious a gift to waste.

Forgive, always! Forgive a person, forgive an event, forgive yourself, and move on!

“Forgiveness is not an occasional act, it is a constant attitude.” – Martin Luther King Jr.

 

Allusive, Elusive or Illusive

30 Tuesday Jan 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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“Words can be like X-rays if you use them properly — they’ll go through anything. You read and you’re pierced.”  – Aldous Huxley, Brave New World

Any time an online dating profile makes me go look at a dictionary that is a person that I would like to date.

One of the ways to my heart is definitely through my mind. Intelligence is so attractive.  A way with words is so alluring.  I wouldn’t go as far as to say that I am a sapiosexual.  That is a fairly new term to explain people that are sexually attracted to intelligent people.

I am attracted to the whole package:  smart, funny, inquisitive, among other things.

But if I had to pick just one thing to which to assess a partner, I would choose: The KISS.

That may strike people as funny considering how last short lived romantic interest scored very poorly in that department and I was still interested in him.  Just blame my hopeful self.  I thought I could teach him how to use his tongue.

Thinking back, fresh out of that almost relationship, I realized that I cannot betray the things that are important to me.  Kissing is a big deal to me.  If P. had I tongue I never found out. Unacceptable!!

Do I rather have someone with a way with words or a way with his tongue?

Now I am getting off the point of this post.  Let’s go back to vocabulary before things here gets x-rated.  The post today is not about kissing but about the beauty of words and their meanings.

“I turned silences and nights into words. What was unutterable, I wrote down. I made the whirling world stand still.” – Arthur Rimbaud

This one profile I saw today had the word illusive in it.  The way he used made me think of elusive, which is a word I use a lot.  Then allusive came to mind and I just had to run to the dictionary and get a clear explanation of their meanings.

Here is how the Merriam Webster Dictionary defines these 3 words:

Allusive:

1: an implied or indirect reference especially in literature

  • a poem that makes allusions to classical literature ; also : the use of such references

2: the act of making an indirect reference to something: the act of alluding to something

Elusive:

: tending to  elude: such as

a : tending to evade grasp or pursuit ; elusive prey

b : hard to comprehend or define

c : hard to isolate or identify

Illusive:

: illusory  –

 based on or producing illusion: deceptive

Even though the writer of this profile was not a match for me I wrote him a quick note complimenting him on his well-written profile.  It was so entertaining, deep, smart and funny.  I wish I had written.

I challenged myself to write a sentence using those 3 words.  Here is the result:

My last love interest often alluded to his considerable wealth and our bright future; then he became as elusive as my goal of losing 10 pounds; leading me to conclude that his interest was illusory.

Not sure I have been successful with that sentence, but one thing is certain I aim to improve.  I will add English vocabulary to my French and Latin studies.

“Everybody has talent, but ability takes hard work.” – Michael Jordan

Not just surviving, but thriving while online dating

26 Friday Jan 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.”  – William Shakespeare

I have been online dating on and off for the past 5 years.  For some reason I don’t hate it like so many people do.  I take the good with the bad and I amused by the entertainment.

Even though I want the fairy-tale and I will not give up until I get it, I realize that most often is not Prince Charming I meet.  I meet the frog, I meet the Pumpkin, the clown, and they are all teachers.    So I learn, laugh and keep on going.

I want to write some of what helps me held myself together and not lose my mind at some of the more disappointing side of these online interactions.

I also have to point out that I have had many good men online.  Some have become a friend and for that I am so grateful.  There are men just like you and I at these sites.  People that have been hurt before, people that want to find love and companionship, people with good hearts and high morals.  Knowing that keeps me going.

This is my list of the requirement necessary to be able to survive online, as I see it.  Minor scratches are inevitable, but we shouldn’t be left scarred by the experience.

“We accept the love we think we deserve.” – Stephen Chbosky

You need to:

  • Love yourself first.  Value and appreciate yourself. Have so much love for yourself that no one and nothing can make you value yourself any less. Don’t accept any less.
  • Be able to take rejection.  If hearing a NO, if being ignored, will leave you feeling useless online dating is not for you.  To me each rejection is a favor, is a blessing, is the Universe removing someone that wouldn’t be good for me.
  • Listen to you intuition/gut.  If something feels weird, don’t ignore it, run.  I am all for giving people the benefit of the doubt, but your safety and sanity are the most important things here.  When in doubt cut all ties and move on.
  • Know yourself and your limits.  Know what you want and what you are willing to put up with. Don’t be confused about your needs and wants.  You cannot receive what you don’t know you need/want.
  • Be clear.  Avoid miscommunication at all costs.  When in doubt, ask.  Never assume you guys are in the same page.  Don’t be wishy-washy.
  • Know your comfort level/ Learn how to say no.  If you are only comfortable in exchanging emails and not talking on the phone, then do that.  Don’t get talked into doing something you don’t want.  If someone is not willing to work with your comfort level then they are not for you. I have had many guys not willing to meet me because I was not willing to give my phone number before meeting.  I never regret respecting my comfort level.  And my comfort level changes depending on the person.  I respect that also.
  • Let go of the need to know and to have answers.  I used to want answers.  I wanted to know why someone behaved a certain way towards me.  Why was someone mean and hurtful? I would spend nights awake thinking of what I did wrong.  Knowing what caused somebody to behave a certain doesn’t change the fact that they did. Be okay with just not knowing.
  • Know when is the time to let go and move on.  I have held on to bad guys for much longer than necessary. I would hope that things would get better, that they would change.  Instead I got to see more of the same behavior, I grew more disappointed and frustrated.  Don’t throw good energy, time and love in people that are not making the same effort. Cut your losses and move on.
  • Grow a think skin.  I have been called names, all kinds of names, names that I would never repeat or write here.  I have been called names for no reason, for perhaps not behaving in the way they wanted, for sticking to my principals, who knows why.  The point is that it no longer bothers me.  Why should I take into account the opinion of someone that doesn’t even know me.  I know my actions are in line with my heart and moral, nothing else matters.
  • Be kind to others.  Always treat others with kindness.  I never stoop to anybody’s level. As Michelle Obama once said:  “When they go low, we go high”.  I put myself in their place.  Perhaps they are so damaged and hurt that they don’t know any other way, but to attack.
  • Take compliments with a grain of salt.  The same way you shouldn’t let insults bother you, don’t let compliments go to your head.  This last guy I dated showered me with compliments.  He said he couldn’t believe that I chose to even reply to his email.  He would look at my face and say he was mesmerized by my beauty.  It is hard no to fall for that, but do not let that blind you to everything that is going on at the same time.
  • Be kind to yourself. Don’t chastise yourself if something didn’t go well and it was your fault.  Perhaps you haven’t been so nice to someone, perhaps you had a bad day and gave someone a mean answer, perhaps you assumed the worst about someone and turned out to be wrong.  Whatever it is, just say sorry, forgive yourself and move on.
  • Never ever make excuses or be sorry for wanting what you want.  You have this precious gift of life.  It is your right to choose who you want to share with.  You don’t need a good reason or explanation why you want or don’t want someone.  Someone may seem perfect, but perhaps he is not perfect for you.

“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” – Marilyn Monroe

I could go on and on…yes you know I could :-), but this is a good start.  Also if you are starting out online dating take a look at this post I wrote awhile back:

https://atomic-temporary-33385295.wpcomstaging.com/2016/10/27/how-to-spot-a-fake-dating-profile/

Please be safe!  Even when you think you know someone you really don’t know. Safeguard your heart, your sanity, and most important your physical body.

It seems that every other profile I see lately is some kind of scam.  It try to report them all.  I am considering approaching dating sites and asking to be paid for making their site safer.  I should get a fee for each scam profile I report.

How wonderful would be to have a guy sing me Lady.  How wonderful is Kenny Rogers and Lionel Richie together?

This is my weekend mood:

HAPPY SAFE DATING!  HAVE A BLESSED WEEKEND YOU ALL!!

No crying at this funeral

26 Friday Jan 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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I was surprised and glad he didn’t reply yesterday.  Today he reached out as if all is the same.   Here is his text (the bottom part following the exchange from yesterday):

The first word that comes to mind is: CLUELESS. Is he on some kind of medication? Were we in the same relationship together?

I am so surprisingly unemotional about it that my friend A said that I cannot deny this moment.  He said I need to feel to heal.

I don’t want to waste my energy on the past but I think my friend has a point.  Every loss, no matter how small and brief needs to be mourned.  I cannot just brush it up like it never happened.

Even though my heart is fine and I am not feeling any sort of sadness, this loss happened and it marked me.  I need to mourn it, to dissect it and then move on.

He was a potential, a possibility, a what if.  He was a maybe that seemed so certain for a moment in time.  When he arrived he was such a sweet surprise.  My heart sang, my spirit soared. I spoke about him to people such a sure thing I thought he was.

The best part was that he seemed to feel the same way and he was not afraid to let me know. In his presence I felt like the most beautiful woman in the world.  I don’t remember a guy ever having that strong an effect on me.

And then something happened.  One day I may find out what really happened, why he he changed, but that is really not even important.  What is important is that the dream died almost as fast as it arrived.

I am taking 5 minutes now to be sad, to wallow in pity, to ponder about it, to lick my wounds and then close that chapter and move on. I am digging deep and bringing it all to the surface.

“When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.” – Kahlil Gibran

I wanted it to work.  I was in love with the idea of us.  I could see our potential.  Now I feel taken for granted, unappreciated. How can he turn his back so easily on we?  How can he so easily throw a miracle away?

What was my role in it and how I can improve on going forward?

I am not saying I did anything wrong.  I didn’t!  I was myself and I will not apologize for that.  He probably didn’t do anything wrong either.  We were victims of the circumstances.  We had different expectations, wants and communications styles.

I do intend to take full advantage of all the experiences I go through in life, taking the time to learn and improve. I see areas that I could fine tune.

Please feel free to give me your 2 cents, or a whole dollar for that matter. My heart and mind are open to receive your feedback.

“Tell me and I forget, teach me and I may remember, involve me and I learn.” -Benjamin Franklin 

Areas to improve:

  • I was too honest.  While honesty is a virtue and I pride myself on it, it doesn’t mean that I have to say it all that comes to mind.
  • I was too available.  Any time he contacted me I replied. I made myself free any time he wanted to meet.  My life was him.
  • I gave him too many options and left the ball on his court.  I put myself at his mercy.
  • I put all my eggs in one basket.  I immediately stopped dating and talking to anyone else.
  • I presented no mystery. I was an open book from the beginning.  It is okay to reveal yourself slowly and not all at the beginning.
  • Perhaps I expected too much too soon

“Let the improvement of yourself keep you so busy that you have no time to criticize others.” -Roy T. Bennet

What did I do right? (and this part is debatable)

  • I was myself.  There is no greater joy then being myself and making no excuse for it.
  • I played not games, or played hard to get.
  • I spoke my mind.  I had opinions and was not afraid to share.
  • I didn’t expect him to read my mind I told him how I felt and what I wanted.
  • I was open minded and willing to be the one to choose the restaurant, even though he said he would do it and then didn’t.  I have canceled dates for less than that so I really give myself credit for this.

I still think he is a great person. It may seem crazy but I still would welcome a friendship. I know he is going through something.  Perhaps it is something that I don’t want to get involved in and I am being spared.

When we spent time together he was the most kind, considerate man I ever met. It was all about me and about making sure I was okay.

I believe in redemption. I believe in the goodness of people. I don’t believe that most people set out to hurt others. Most are hurt themselves and just don’t know how to deal with that pain, so they in turn hurt whoever is next to them.

My doctor friend A,  is someone that I dated and that I thought it was going to go somewhere. That was over 2 years ago.  Then he started to slowly disappear. I am not even sure how it happened.  It hurt me, I was confused.  Then he reached out and we start talking and meeting for brunch.  There has never been any romance after we started to see each other again and it has been perfect that way.  Our friendship has blossomed and I know he is a friend that I can count on.  I am glad that I decided to look past his prior behavior that to this day there is no explanation and I actually don’t need one.  We are much better friends than we would have been as a couple.

“Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.” – Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

I don’t know if Peter would welcome a friendship, but we shall see.

If I am going to completely honest looking at this almost relationship with a clinical eye I have to point out the following hurdles that I would have to get over to make the romantic relationship work:

1) Lack of deep conversation. I seemed to be doing all the talking and a lot of the conversation seemed to be superficial.  I thought that perhaps things would get better with time.  I need mental stimulation,
2) Lack of Passion. We held hands, we kissed.  I think there was more passion in the hand holding then in the kissing. He seemed to enjoy the kisses, but I hate to say it was just not that pleasurable to me.  Not the type of kiss I am used to. I had hoped I could teach him the way I like it, but I wondered if he would be open to learning. I need passion.
3)There was a couple of answers to questions about his past that it didn’t seem to add up to what I had found online.  While it was not anything serious, it raised some doubts in my mind as to the real truth.  I need honesty.

RIP potential relationship!

Enough about Peter!

NEXT!!

“It was too perfect to last,’ so I am tempted to say of our marriage. But it can be meant in two ways. It may be grimly pessimistic – as if God no sooner saw two of His creatures happy than He stopped it (‘None of that here!’). As if He were like the Hostess at the sherry-party who separates two guests the moment they show signs of having got into a real conversation. But it could also mean ‘This had reached its proper perfection. This had become what it had in it to be. Therefore of course it would not be prolonged.’ As if God said, ‘Good; you have mastered that exercise. I am very pleased with it. And now you are ready to go on to the next.”  – C.S. Lewis

 

 

 

And so it goes…. no more being in limbo

25 Thursday Jan 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“I will not try to convince you to love me, to respect me, to commit to me. I deserve better than that; I AM BETTER THAN THAT…Goodbye.” – Steve Maraboli

It is over.  I knew something was off, which I still don’t know what it is, but I know he has changed.  I had pushed for more information with the phone call yesterday and ended up more confused.

Last night he texted just good night and I replied to it in French, as I am trying once again to teach myself French. We exchanged a couple of texts about Paris and that was it.

Around 2 pm this afternoon he texted me just as I was struggling with a bleeding nose.

He texted 1 word: Hello

I replied about my bloody nose and that was it.

I know it is just one word, but I read so much into that.  I could tell that he had no intentions of scheduling any dates.  I hate being in limbo and feeling like I am at somebody’s mercy.

In my mind and heart I need things resolved, yes or no, I just want to know. This not knowing where I stand or what his plans are were making me ill.  I think my nosebleed was my body rebelling against this situation.

I have a lot on my plate at this moment to be wasting time and energy on somebody that is not giving me what I need, even after I explained to him exactly what I need.

This is a relationship that romantically would never work. The only way it would work is if I was able to relax and go with the flow.  Those are not in my DNA. I am trying but continue to fail.

So later I texted him later.  Here it is:

He has not replied after that, which surprised me, but also made me happy and have more respect for him.  I rather silence then some stupid reply to pacify me such as:  I care about you, I am busy, etc, etc.

I know I will not get the truth from him so I rather have silence and have it resolved in my heart.  I don’t have to wonder anymore if I am seeing him on Thursday or any other day this rest of week or next, or ever for that matter.

The “I try to get to city soon”  felt insulting to me. Why ask me what night I am free if he clearly is not free any night?

So in my mind it is all settled.  If he ever contacts me again I have no problem in seeing him again and being friends but I definitely don’t want a romantic relationship anymore.  I deserve more.  I deserve promises kept.

I was also becoming a person that I don’t like.  I was feeling like a complainer, like a beggar, like a victim.  I am none of those things.  I want somebody that will make me soar not crawl.

“It is always important to know when something has reached its end. Closing circles, shutting doors, finishing chapters, it doesn’t matter what we call it; what matters is to leave in the past those moments in life that are over.” – Paulo Coelho

Besides this total lack of concern for my feelings, there was already the kissing issue that I didn’t know if we could get over. There was also a lack of depth in our conversations that I had hoped that with time it would change.

But it felt so amazing for a little bit. The potential and possibility made my heart sing. All the compliments, the attention, the plans and the promises felt wonderful.  I was on top of the world. With Valentines Day around the corner and, lets not forget, the Opera I was feeling like a lucky girl.

I fell in love with the potential.  I fell in love with the idea of him, of us.

Life seems so cruel sometimes. But I know better.  I know that everything is to make me better and that things that are not good for me have a way of disappearing from my life.  I am not about to question the Universe, instead I just thank my Guardian Angels that are always watching out for me.

Our communication styles are too different.  I blame it on our astrological signs. He is Pisces and I am Aries.

They are both perfectly good signs but I struggle in communicating with real Pisces people.  I say “real” because some people have more traits of the signs that come before or after, and other details that go into it.  I am not crazy into Astrology.  I haven’t read my horoscope in years, but I do pay attention to the signs of the people I deal with and I have opinions formed based on those experiences.

The Pisces people that I know, and one is very close to me, are wonderfully amazing people.  They go out of their way to please people.  They are quiet and keep their feelings in.  They don’t want confrontation so they tell me exactly what I want to hear. They agree with me on a course of action and then they turn around and do whatever they please.  That is a Pisces that I know and love and have learned to deal with.

When P told me he was Pisces I thought about this Pisces man that is close to me and I hoped that P would be different.  He is not. Because I had some experience with his style I thought I would be able to maneuver it and make it work.

I failed.  I can’t betray my personality and my feelings and I cannot change anyone. I cannot extract blood from a rock.  I cannot get from people what they don’t have in them to give to me.

I am an Aries.  I tell you like it is.  I wear my heart on my sleeve.  I am impulsive, stubborn.  I want results and have no patience for details. I want to be in charge. I am a great person but I agree I am not easy to deal with.  I expect to talk about problems and resolve them and not sweep them under the rug.

He will be a great partner for somebody less fiery than me. He used to say I was a ball of fire and that he like that I am me.  He liked that we were so different.  That difference killed us.

I honestly hope that whatever is happening with him is not bad.  I know something is happening.  I still want to be his friend, but I am not ever contacting him again. If he texts me I will probably reply.  If calls me I will probably let it go to voice mail for awhile.  If he totally disappears that is okay too.  I said my piece. I am done!

Some of you may be surprised but I feel good and happy. I like things resolved and it feels resolved to me.  Do I want to swear off dating now?  Absolutely not! I actually feel I am closer to meeting the one.  The bigger the disappointment the bigger the reward.  This seemed so much like the real thing that I cannot even imagine how amazing it will be when the real one shows up.

I predict amazing things for my future with or without a man, but I know in my heart there will be one for me.  One that will put up with this ball of fire.

Today I opened an email from the Universe that read:

Have you noticed, Star, that sadness in your life has never, ever, not even once, lasted?
 
It’s impossible.
 
Whoohoooooo! 
  The Universe

How perfect is that for today?  And that is so true.

If you too want to get emails from the Universe go to http://www.tut.com and sign up.

I am so amazingly blessed!!

“Good friends, good books, and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.” – Mark Twain

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you to the amazing readers that I have!  You guys are the friends that I don’t have in my day to day life.  I wish I could have you right here with me.  You lift me up, you keep me honest, you set me straight.  I appreciate your honesty. I appreciate your kindness in telling me like it is. I am immensely grateful that you take your time and energy to read about my life and you kindly offer me your perspective.  You allow me to be me, you welcome me, guide me and embrace me.  Reading your comments I feel your love.  Please know that you are loved, valued, you are meaningful in my life!  I am so grateful and proud to call you a friend.

I will talk about all the lessons I have learned in this experience in the next post.  There are always lessons and this is no different.

And I know that it may seem to some that I am making a big deal and that his actions may not seem that bad, but what I have to say to that is:  Talk to my heart.  I follow it blindly, and it is telling me that something was not right.

Again this post was drafted in a hurry as I wanted to update everyone on the newest happenings or lack thereof.  So please forgive the mistakes.  I still have some office work to do before shower and bed.

“There is no real ending. It’s just the place where you stop the story.” – Frank Herbert

 

“How to mess up a potentially good thing” or “Just another day in my dating world”

23 Tuesday Jan 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“Between what is said and not meant, and what is meant and not said, most of love is lost.” – Kahlil Gibran

This is a very quick update, as I am swamped at work, but still want to relate how things are or aren’t with P and I. So please forgive typos and grammar errors.

I think P is playing some kind of head game that I am not aware of. I love games so I wish guys would tell me what game they are playing so I can play too, and hopefully win it, as I am very competitive.

He was all into me in the beginning. He pretty much said that he would move mountains to see me. He was making promises of trips we would take. He already talked about the need to reserve a romantic restaurant for Valentine’s Day and let’s not forget the tickets to the Opera that he already bought.

So what is a girl to think? That he is into me, right?

The best part is that I was into him too. Other than him being on the quieter side and the kissing not being exactly stellar it seemed promising. It was the first time in a long time that I was into someone that was into me.

Then all of a sudden he seemed distant and uninterested. The calling and texting got few and far between. I still texted and mentioned that I missed him, but slowly I was getting a picture of someone that was not that into me.

I figured I should keep an open mind. This is the very beginning, people get busy, people have different communication styles, etc. But still something felt off.

All of a sudden over one week has gone by and we haven’t seen each other. This from a guy that said he doesn’t mind driving. He works from home most of the days and makes his own hours so there is really nothing stopping him from seeing me.

He kept mentioning another date but never scheduling it. I felt like he kept dangling a carrot in front of me…not a feeling I enjoy.

On Friday night I told him that he didn’t seem interested anymore and he said it was not that at all. He mentioned perhaps we would go to dinner on Saturday night.

Saturday he was busy the whole day helping his son with home improvements and supposedly didn’t finish until very late.

Sunday nothing. He texted good morning, I replied, he went silent. Later on I inquired about his day and he replied with: “good, thanks”.

Yesterday (Monday) he sent me as text: “Good morning. Was wondering what your schedule looks like this week. Maybe we can go out to dinner if you like”

I replied: “I would like that. Free any evening this week”

He replied: “ok”

I figured next time I hear from him it is him scheduling a date, but instead this morning I get this:

“Hey. Haven’t heard from you so just saying hi”.

Perhaps I should have just played along and said hi. Instead I did what I keep telling myself that I am not going to. I told him how confused I was with that 1 sentence. I told him that I actually thought I needed to give him space as I was the one always texting and telling him I missed him. I told him that I thought I was even being annoying with my texting.

He said: “It is not annoying but we can at least say hello even if we are busy”

I reminded him that he said to me on the second date not to hurt him and that his actions, or lack thereof, was hurtful.

We exchanged a few more texts that were full of misunderstandings that ended with him saying: “Everything is good just been busy”

A man (or woman) is never busy when they want something. Everyone can find a second for a text even if it is in the middle of the night.

Because I cannot let things just be, I texted: “Can you talk for a couple of minutes?”

I actually didn’t even know what I was going to say, but this back and forth texting gets extremely annoying after a while.

After 10 minutes he said he could, so I called him. I told him exactly how I feel.  Exactly what I wrote here. That I think he is playing games even though he says he is not. I said his actions are not in line with his words.

I was nice but direct. My effort always is to avoid miscommunication. I can be wrong, perhaps he is not playing games, but that is what I am seeing and feeling. I said “it is me, not you”. And it is. My mistake is being me. Many people would be okay with this way of communicating and dating, but not me.

I am not sure he understood me. All he kept saying is that he had been busy, but he likes me and wants to see me, and that he is was very sorry. He seems to tell me what he thinks I want to hear. He said he didn’t schedule anything yet because with his schedule being so flexible he could work around my schedule so he wanted to know when I was free.

What? Can he hear himself? I told him I am free and he is still not scheduling anything. Perhaps instead of saying I was free the entire week I should have just mentioned one or 2 days. I gave him too many options. I was too available.

I told him that perhaps what he liked was the thrill of the chase and I ended that when I said I liked him and made myself available.  I opened my heart, but that shouldn’t be news to him as I wear my heart on the sleeve anyway.

After a few more minutes, we said good bye. I hung up the phone as confused as ever. I don’t know if I ever had a conversation that was more meaningless than this one. We arrived nowhere. I don’t even think he understood me. I am drained. I am have no energy for this drama.

“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” – George Bernard Shaw

So, will I ever see P. again? I don’t know. I know that he still hasn’t scheduled anything. I know that every minute that goes by and he doesn’t schedule anything my desire to see him is diminishing.

All I know is that this, whatever this is, cannot survive if we are to continue to communicate in this way. If it is this difficult in the beginning what happens later on when real problems arise.

I am a talker, he is not. I thought we would balance each other out. I thought that because of our differences we would complement each other. Now I think our difference are just too big to work.

When someone is showing you who they are, believe it. Don’t make excuses. I am going along thinking that our conversations will improve, that he will be more open, but what if it never does. Can I live like this?

NO! I would be eternally frustrated.

I know in my heart something is off. I don’t know what it is exactly. There is something he is not telling me.

At the end of the day it is not a question of who is wrong or right.  He is a great person that will probably be a better fit for someone else.

It is a question of how much you want something and how much are you willing to put up with to get it. I don’t want him that much to continue to feel this way. Feeling in limbo annoys me. I like things that are defined, understood, agreed upon. I like directness. I like aggressive and not passive.

Lesson here: I don’t know! Perhaps you guys can tell me.

I see tons of mistakes on my part. Instead of telling him that I was free the entire week, I should have just mentioned one evening and that was it. I should have continued speaking to other guys instead of focusing only on him. I was too available, too honest, just too much. He actually says I am a ball of fire.

I know some of my friends here will tell me that I need to relax, take it easy, and have no expectations. It is all true I need to do that. But I also see it from another angle, I want to be with a man that will show me that I am important, that will not make empty promises, one that will follow through on his words.  I want to have expectations of someone and him of me. Expectation is not such a bad word.

If I expect nothing I will be happy with the little I get? I deserve and want more.

I am trying to change and slowly I am. I don’t want to change to fit is somebody’s world. I want to change to become a better version of myself. I am changed in the sense that I really don’t care at this moment if we are going on another date or not. In the past this would make me sad, disappointed, I would be crushed. Not anymore. I know that the Universe is on my side and whatever happens is for my benefit. I know that everything is teaching me and I always end up better than when I started.

So much for a quick update. Got run, work beckons. No, actually work screams and demands.

Accepting while kicking and screaming

21 Sunday Jan 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating

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“I’d rather be an optimist and a fool than a pessimist and right.” – Albert Einstein

My life is not all about dating, but in dating it seems is where I learn the most lessons.  Lessons about men, about the world and most importantly, about myself.  Dating keeps me vulnerable and keeps me honest.  It shows me my flaws and my weaknesses. It puts my ego in check.

Each man I date, and actually anyone I encounter, is a lesson.  It is never about them as human beings, as men.  It is always about them as lessons. Each person and situation helps me become a better version of myself, or so I hope. Otherwise the thought would be too dreadful. To think that some things are just meaningless and a waste of time is hard for me to live with that.

“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” – Albert Einstein

Dating forces me to look inside myself.  It forces me to confront my feelings, actions and reactions.  It forces me to try to understand why I feel the way I feel.  Why I do the things I do.  It forces me to look in an invisible mirror and see what is my culpability in a potential relationship when things don’t work out.  And, as you can tell if you have been following my blog for awhile is that things haven’t worked out yet.  Working out would mean I have a boyfriend, I am in a relationship.

Today I want to write about the need for Acceptance. 

I know I have written about that before, probably more than once. Actually, several times. I clearly struggle with that. I have read somewhere that the lesson only ends when we learn it.  I feel I have been in the same classroom staring at the same notebook for years.  And one of the lessons that persists the most is Acceptance.

“The woman who follows the crowd will usually go no further than the crowd. The woman who walks alone is likely to find herself in places no one has ever been before.” – Albert Einstein

Hi, I am a Control-freak.

I need to accept what I cannot control.  Accept that things don’t go according to plan.  Accept that some things are over and they are never returning.  Accept that not everything can be fixed. Accept that some things will never be no matter how much I want them and how hard I fight.

I want to be the captain of my own ship.  I want to control my own destiny.  I forget that while I can control my boat, no matter how small or large, I cannot control the weather, the waves and the ocean.

A calm, peaceful voyage would not teach me anything.  A calm ocean would allow me to just coast. An ocean without waves would bore me to tears.  I would never be the best form of myself if challenges were not thrown my way.  I would never be able to prove the kind of captain I can really be if I were not tested with a violent storm every now and then.

“When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.” – Albert Einstein

As I am contemplating an impeding 5th date with a guy that seems very promising I am confronted with accepting that it is okay if he doesn’t follow the blueprint that I have in my mind.

I create mental pictures of the way I want things to go, to be. I have this perfect idea of a perfect date, the perfect kiss, the perfect words to come out of his lips. I know how he needs to behave, when to call, what to say.

No one, no matter how perfect is going to fulfill exactly the dream I created in my mind.  No one will be the perfect age, have the perfect profession, make the perfect amount of money, say the right things, and have the perfect actions.

That person doesn’t exist! People are moody, they do the unexpected, they change their mind, they disappoint.  I should know!  I do all of that and more.

One of the definitions of Accept according to the Merriam-Webster dictionary is:
To endure without protest or reaction.

What?  I am not a doormat.  That if often how I see acceptance, as being a doormat and just laying there and not fighting for what I want.  Acceptance then becomes a betrayal to myself and my dreams.  I see it as settling.  Accepting less than I deserve. Accepting a dream less than perfect.  Accepting a flawed man.  I am deserving of more, I am deserving of all. I don’t need to settle.  I don’t want to settle.

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.” – Albert Einstein

I create expectations that no one can fulfill. Sometimes I even think I want to be disappointed. In the end it is never about somebody else. It is always about me. It always up to me.

I have to tell myself that things can still be okay and good even if they don’t follow the blueprint I had on my mind.

Acceptance doesn’t have to mean accepting less than I deserve. Acceptance means accepting that not everything is under my control. It is being okay with things not being perfect at that moment in time or being perfect all the time.

I think the real key is not really accepting or not accepting, that comes after.  The key is getting to the bottom of what I want for my life, what makes me happier and what contributes to me becoming the best version of myself.

In dating I need to be clear in what type of man I want to be my life partner. What is really important to me, and what is only a teenage fantasy?

“When you trip over love, it is easy to get up. But when you fall in love, it is impossible to stand again.” – Albert Einstein

Sounds confusing, even complicated, but in the end is really simple.  We have that little voice inside ourselves that guides us to what is right and wrong, to what feels right and what feels wrong.  The crux is to listen to that voice.

Sometimes we can’t hear that little voice because we are too busy stuffing it down.  We go out of our way to silence it.  We surround ourselves with things that makes us momentarily happy and we forget that voice. We silence it with any distraction we can, tv, people, food, etc. Sometimes we hear it but we pretend we don’t.  If we acknowledge it than we would be forced to act, so it is easier to play deaf, to feign ignorance.

As I am putting the final touches on this post I realize that all I have written here has already been written before in a more concise way.  My whole post is the Serenity Prayer.

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” 

So please forgive me if you wasted your time with my rambling.  Welcome to the voices inside my mind and my heart. I started this post out of confusion with my feelings.  Am I less confused?

No, I am as confused as ever.  I just need to be okay with things being confused for awhile.  I need prayer to guide me, I need silence to listen.  I need writing to keep my sanity.  I need this blog to keep me honest.  I need you to set me straight.

Today I was in a Albert Einstein kind of mood.  For a physicist I find him more spiritual than some so called spiritual teachers around.

“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving.” – Albert Einstein

 

Don’t try to make sense, just dance!

19 Friday Jan 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me, Food, Poetry

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“Stop acting so small. You are the universe in ecstatic motion.” -Rumi

Last night I saw anxiety creeping in. Yes I actually saw it. I looked in the mirror and the face looking back at me was not the usual smiling face with bright shiny eyes. This face had dead sad eyes and the lips were just there, unmovable walls. Looking in the mirror only made the dark feelings intensify.

Nothing made sense.  Nothing felt right. I was alone. I was weak.

I knew that if I gave into those feelings I would soon be crying and feeling totally powerless and beaten. Crying is definitely okay in my book but when I have a reason for it. Crying out of pity for myself is not productive, it is not what I do, it is not who I am.

I felt hungry as if I hadn’t eaten in days. I wanted to head to the fridge and stuff my face in something sweet. I wanted to drown the sad feelings in a tub of ice cream. I wanted chocolate cookies to prevent my tears from falling. I wanted my best friend Sugar to assure me that I was going to be okay.

The problem with my friend Sugar is that it is such a sneaky weasel. It takes me to amazing high levels of euphoria and then, not too long after it has me crashing down. That is a roller coaster that tonight I refuse to get on.

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.”  – Rumi

I am smarter than that. I know this is not a physical hunger, after all I just had a great dinner of brown rice, vegetables and chicken. I even had a tiny piece of cheesecake for dessert. This is my being crying out for attention. This was my body trying to make my insides feel better by giving in to outsides urges.

Sugar is my drug of choice. For you it may be something else, alcohol, shopping, etc, Whatever it is, when used in this way it is not a friend, it is an enemy.

I knew exactly what prompted the feelings I was having. It all started 30 minutes before.

“You were born with wings, why prefer to crawl through life?”  – Rumi

Around 8:30pm I called P. He calls every night and last night I decided I should call for a change and to let him know that I do think of him. The call went straight to voice mail. Immediately I felt like I was punched on the stomach. How dare he not answer the phone and worse, why it is off.  It didn’t feel right. Immediately my delusional self starting conjuring up all kinds of thoughts.

That was on top of having gone this entire week without scheduling a date. We talked about meeting Saturday night and/or Sunday, and even me possibly going to his house, but there is nothing definite.  And of also realizing that he is still on the dating app.

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” – Rumi

The woman in me that got cheated on over 5 years ago came back full force and started connecting the invisible dots and creating stories. I vow not to be made a fool ever again.  I thought he was probably on a date and turned the phone off not to be disturbed. Not only was he on a date but he would probably start liking her better than he likes me. Soon this blossoming relationship would shrivel up and die.

The reality is that we have known each other for less than a month and have gone on 4 dates only. Even though we both feel this is different, we really have no clue. I realize that relationships need to marinated, need be tended to, need to have air to breath.

There is nothing really happening. We are both free to date other people. I like to say that competition is welcomed.  It only makes me look better.

I don’t believe that every guy will cheat on me. I also believe that there is a guy for me out there and I am not sure it is him. I am also not sure it is not him yet.

“The minute I heard my first love story,
I started looking for you, not knowing
how blind that was.
Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere.
They’re in each other all along.”  – Rumi

Where is this delusional, insecure, paranoid, jealous woman coming from?

Then it hits me:

PMS

I am glad I keep track of it.  I look at the app in my phone and there it is.  I am in the middle of PM.  I know these feeling are momentary and not based in reality. I know they will pass.  All I have to do is be okay with feeling uncomfortable and sad for a moment.

The feeling of doom. The feeling that the world is coming to an end. The paralysis. That is what PMS feels like to me. I even warn people about it, as I know I can be a little out of my mind at that time.

So it is just you, PMS, old frenemy! You don’t own me! You can mess up my hormones every now and then, but I will show you who the boss is!

“Don’t be satisfied with stories, how things have gone with others. Unfold your own myth.”  – Rumi

So I did the only thing I could think to do:

I DANCED!

I put some loud music on and I danced. I danced like no one was watching and no one really was. If they were they would probably want to join in as I was having so much fun. I danced as if I wanted the dance moves to shake the fears and anxiety away from my body.

I danced with my soul.  It was a freedom, gratitude, euphoria, wanting to live and love dance!!

IT WORKED!

I felt instantly better. I felt alive! I felt energized! I felt grounded and centered! Life returned to my eyes, the smile to my lips. As in a miracle, the dark cloud lifted.

To continue on my good mood trajectory, I started thinking of all the blessings I have in my life. The list is so huge and amazing,  it is impossible to be sad or down when confronted with that knowledge.

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” – Rumi

At 9:44pm he texted me to say sorry. He said he had fallen asleep without saying good night. He said he had laid down for a minute and didn’t wake up until now.
I said that I thought he was out and about and had the phone off not to be bothered. He said the battery had died on his phone.

Do I believe him? I don’t know! At this point I don’t care. There is nothing going on. We are getting to know each other. So I am keeping an open mind and will trust until I have a reason not to. I will also not create problems and be overly dramatic or clingy.

The odd thing is that getting his text didn’t make me feel happy or relieved.  It was indifferent.  Proving to me that at the end of the day, we are in charge of our emotions and well-being.  No one can make you feel better or worse, loved or unloved.  Only you have that power.  The sooner we realize that the happier we become.

“Everything in the universe is within you. Ask all from yourself.” – Rumi

This is the first time I use dance as a coping mechanism, as a pacifier and medication.  I normally go to gratitude and prayer.

May I offer everyone that suggestion?  Next time you are down, how about you get up and dance.  While dancing you can make mental lists of all blessings and say a prayer thanking for all of those blessings.

***

The dancing reminded me of one of my favorite poets and scholar: Rumi. His poems and teachings really resonate with me. They touch my inner being. They make life make sense to me. They make me want to love with abandon.

“Dance, when you’re broken open. Dance, if you’ve torn the bandage off. Dance in the middle of the fighting. Dance in your blood. Dance when you’re perfectly free.”

With Rumi in my mind I peppered this post with his quotes and I offer everyone this poem. I hope that everyone at some point in their lives get to love with abandon.

“I want to see you.

Know your voice.

Recognize you when you
first come ’round the corner.

Sense your scent when I come
into a room you’ve just left.

Know the lift of your heel,
the glide of your foot.

Become familiar with the way
you purse your lips
then let them part,
just the slightest bit,
when I lean in to your space
and kiss you.

I want to know the joy
of how you whisper
“more”
Rumi