Monthly Archives: September 2020

The secret to attracting butterflies – Borboletas – Mario Quintana

29 Tuesday Sep 2020

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This is a text that I like.  I think it was written by Brazilian Writer Mario Quintana but I am not 100% sure.

“Quando depositamos muita confiança ou expectativas em uma pessoa, o risco de se decepcionar é grande. As pessoas não estão neste mundo para satisfazer as nossas expectativas, assim como não estamos aqui, para satisfazer as dela.

Temos que nos bastar… nos bastar sempre e quando procuramos estar com alguém, temos que nos conscientizar de que estamos juntos porque gostamos, porque queremos e nos sentimos bem, nunca por precisar de alguém.

As pessoas não se precisam, elas se completam… não por serem metades, mas por serem inteiras, dispostas a dividir objetivos comuns, alegrias e vida.

Com o tempo, você vai percebendo que para ser feliz com a outra pessoa, você precisa em primeiro lugar, não precisar dela. Percebe também que aquela pessoa que você ama (ou acha que ama) e que não quer nada com você, definitivamente, não é o homem ou a mulher de sua vida. Você aprende a gostar de você, a cuidar de você, e principalmente a gostar de quem gosta de você.

O segredo é não cuidar das borboletas e sim cuidar do jardim para que elas venham até você. No final das contas, você vai achar não quem você estava procurando, mas quem estava procurando por você!”

Here is my loose translation:

“When we place a lot of trust or expectations in a person, the risk of being disappointed is great. People are not in this world to meet our expectations, just as we are not here, to meet theirs.

We have to be enough …  we alone have to be enough. And when we try to be with someone else, we have to become aware that we are together because we like to, because we want to and because it feels good, never because we need someone.

People do not need each other, they complete each other … not because they are halves, but because they are whole, willing to share common goals, joys and life.

Over time, you will realize that in order to be happy with the other person, you need not to need them. You will also realize that the person you love (or think you love) and want nothing to do with you is definitely not the man or woman for you.  You will learn to like yourself, to take care of yourself, and especially to like those who like you.

The secret is not to run after the butterflies, but to take care of your garden so that they come to you. Ultimately, you will find not who you were looking for, but who was looking for you!”

 

 

 

My ever loving sweet enemy: Sugar

24 Thursday Sep 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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The vertigo came back again.  I spent a couple of days last week barely functioning.  I started taking Claritin and Cocculus Indicus again.  Happily, most of the symptoms were gone in 2 days. 

I discovered a couple of things:

  1. Sleeping on my left side helps immensely to alleviate the symptoms.  So, no more sleeping on my back or on my right side.

2. Sugar exacerbates or perhaps even causes the vertigo.  The last 2 times I woke up with vertigo I remember having had lots of sugar the night before, in the form of ice cream and cake. 

No surprise discovery here.  Sugar doesn’t help anything.  Sugar feeds any kind of body inflammation and only wreaks havoc on the body.

Sugar and I have a long love/hate relationship.  I love it and it hates me.  Not only sugar, but carbs.  I am not talking about the naturally occurring sugar.  I am talking about all the refined ones that do not add anything good to my body.  But it tastes so good!

Back in 2012 I was already writing about this dysfunctional relationship.  https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.com/2012/07/21/is-sugar-my-new-ex-am-i-looking-for-love-in-desserts/

12 years have gone by and I still have not done anything about it.  That is embarrassing. Why can’t I stop going to sugar on every occasion, happy, sad, indifferent…

At times I think that sugar and I can co-exist in peace.  I think I can just have a little bit on the weekends.  That peaceful existence lasts awhile, but then one day, out of the blue I just give in.  All of a sudden sugar has me again.

What is up with this emotional hunger? 

Baby steps… recognizing I have a problem, yet again, is the first step.  That is all I have.  No solutions.

 

I Want a Little Sugar in My Bowl – Nina Simone

I want a little sugar in my bowl
I want a little sweetness down in my soul
I could stand some lovin’, oh so bad
Feel so funny, I feel so sad
I want a little steam on my clothes
Maybe I could fix things up so they’ll go
What’s the matter daddy, come on, save my soul
I need some sugar in my bowl, I ain’t foolin’
I want some sugar in my bowl
You been acting different I’ve been told
Soothe me, I want some sugar in my bowl
I want a little steam on my clothes
Maybe I can fix things up so they’ll go
What’s the matter daddy, come on, save my soul
I want some sugar in my bowl, I ain’t foolin’
I want some sugar
In my bowl

Live Simply and Simply Live!

17 Thursday Sep 2020

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Today I came across the above writing (my loose translation is below) from the Brazilian Writer Mario Quintana. 

“Suddenly everything becomes so simple that it scares.

People let go of their needs and wants, and start reducing their baggage.

The opinions of others are really those of others, and even if they are about us; it doesn’t matter.

We give up certainties, because we are no longer sure of anything. And, we don’t miss them. 

 We stop judging, because there is no longer any right or wrong, but only the life that each of us choose to experience.

Finally, we understand that all that matters is to have peace and quiet, to live without fear, to do what makes your heart happy at that moment.

That is all!”

I had read it before, but today it hit me in a different way.  Today it made sense.  

Today I dream of simplicity.  Today I want to get rid of the excess and of the unnecessary.

Today I want to make space in my life for only what makes my heart sing.  Let spaces be empty until the right item, person, task, etc comes along.

I am happiest when I clean and organize, when I get rid of things (donating all instead of throwing out).  I feel unburdened and light.  

Let’s get rid of excess in all things.  Let’s get rid of people and things that are dragging us down and not contributing to the life we want to lead.

I wish the entire world to live simply and simply live! Less is so much more!

 

Tell the truth or keep a friend?

11 Friday Sep 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating

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“Is it true; is it kind, or is it necessary?”― Socrates

I have this long time girlfriend that is such a sweet, giving person but has terrible taste in men.  I don’t think she knows her worth and keeps settling for much less.

Years ago I was very vocal about a boyfriend that she had.  To make a long story short, she took offense to some things I said to her and stopped speaking to me.

Eventually we started speaking again and she apologized. Since then she has had other boyfriends that I also didn’t think were good enough for her but I never expressed my opinion again.  She lives a couple of hours away so we don’t see each other often, but any chance I get I just make sure to tell her to put herself first.  

Fast forward to this past weekend when I was visiting her area and she was excited to introduce her new boyfriend.  She is still getting rid of a prior boyfriend and is immediately starting up with someone else.  A mistake in my opinion.  My advice to her and to everyone after a breakup is to be alone for awhile, focus on oneself. 

“Truth without love is brutality, and love without truth is hypocrisy.” ― Warren Wiersbe

I am happy for her excitement but I don’t think the new boyfriend is any better than the prior one.  I don’t want to go into detail here why I don’t think he is the right person for her.  I met him for 10 minutes and in that short time I think, as they say in Brazil, she is changing 6 for half dozen.  

Later she called to ask my thoughts about him.  I was not sure how to kindly tell her that I was not impressed.

How to tell the truth to someone that cannot handle the truth?  By truth, I mean my truth, the way I see, which can be wrong or right but it is my truth as I see it. 

One of the good traits and also bad trait of Aries is the brutal honesty.  I normally just tell it like it is.  But with age comes wisdom and I realized that I don’t have to always tell it like it is.  There are times that it is okay to be less than 100% honest.  

“The trouble with most of us is that we’d rather be ruined by praise than saved by criticism.”― Norman Vincent Peale

I keep wanting her to be alone for awhile and focus her love and energy on herself.  But I have said all of that before.  

This time when she asked my opinion I mentioned to her I didn’t want to say anything because of our past experience.  She said she was immature then and apologized for it again.  Still, this time I chose a more refrained honesty.  I said to her that 10 minutes was too short of a time to form an informed opinion of him.  I said it wouldn’t fair to judge him on that little interaction. 

I did, however, pointed out to her something he did that I had an issue with.  She promptly came up with 2 excuses for said action.  The fact that she made excuses for him tells me she is not ready to hear exactly what I think. 

She is excited, happy, full of renewed energy and making a lot plans.  I couldn’t put a damper on that. So this time I chose kindness instead of brutal honesty.  I felt those were my only choices.   I pray I am wrong and he is not another one to take advantage of her.

“Today I bent the truth to be kind, and I have no regret, for I am far surer of what is kind than I am of what is true.”― Robert Brault

the dating continues…

04 Friday Sep 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Finding Me

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“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.” ― Carl Gustav Jung

Since G, the insecure personal trainer, has become history there has been a few guys that I had been speaking to and  2 that I met.  

I met F – The Widower.  We first started speaking 1 year ago on POF. He kept asking for additional pictures.  I felt I had plenty on my profile and refused to sent to him.  He kept insisting, I got annoyed and decided that I didn’t want to meet him at all.  After meeting again on Match I finally gave in and met him for a drink.  He drove 1 hour,  I took literally 30 steps to the Italian restaurant next to my apartment.  That was the extent of effort I was willing to put into this date and he knew it.

It was a friendly meeting.  He talked a lot about his late wife who died 10 years ago, and apparently became a saint.  No one can and wants to compete with a saint.  He wants to go out again. I am interested in friendship only.

“We have to recognise that there cannot be relationships unless there is commitment, unless there is loyalty, unless there is love, patience, persistence.” ― Cornel West

I met T – The Client.  We met on Match and realized that we were in the same industry and that he was actually a former customer.  Since he is no longer a customer I decided to meet up.

Since we were meeting at a Brazilian restaurant next door to my sister’s job on 46th Street in Manhattan my sister joined us half way through the date. It was a lot fun.  There was a lot laughing.

We had passion fruit and lime caipirinhas and had some yummy skirt steak with rice, beans and yucca fries. We also had cheese bread and some other appetizers. We took home chocolate and coconut fudge balls.  Those little desserts are so delicious!

Since I brought my sister along, I insisted on paying half. He didn’t want to agree but I beat him to the check and made sure to pay half.  He insisted on walking us to the train station.  We kept in touch and will meet again but I am not sure there were romance vibes for me.

“Never marry at all, Dorian. Men marry because they are tired, women, because they are curious: both are disappointed.” ― Oscar Wilde,  The Picture of Dorian Gray

I am currently talking to a few guys but 2 seem interesting enough to text/talk so I gave them my number:

M-the Neighbor.  We realized the we live just a couple of blocks away from each other.  The other day I waved to him when I was walking home from work.  He doesn’t know where exactly where I live.  We will be meeting one of these days.  So far we are having trouble coming up with a time.  It will probably happen some time next week.  We haven’t spoken a lot, mostly exchange a few texts here and there, but he seems like a good guy.

A-the Renter.  We have been speaking for 1 month.  He currently lives in California but is moving to Manhattan in the next few weeks.  I am calling him The Renter because 80% of our conversations are about the rental market in Manhattan.  He has been back and forth from CA but because of COVID quarantine requirements we haven’t met yet.

At this point it seems neither of us are in a hurry to meet.  I normally like to meet right away, the longer one talks without meeting there is the change of creating a false sense of intimacy and thinking there is more connection than there is. There is also a bigger potential for miscommunication.

“When dealing with people, remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but with creatures bristling with prejudice and motivated by pride and vanity.” ― Dale Carnegie

A few days ago I detected a change.  A text went unanswered and later he said something about not feeling well and going to bed earlier.  A perfectly plausible excuse, but that is not what my gut is telling me.  The texting and calls decreased, and so did my interest.  But I still think we can meet and be friends.

I want to meet someone and be transformed.  Not because he is making me better, or I am making him better, but because we can no longer imagine a time when we weren’t in each other’s lives. I want the love that emboldens and strengthens us and make us want to conquer the world.  So I search and search…

“Even if you cannot change all the people around you, you can change the people you choose to be around. Life is too short to waste your time on people who don’t respect, appreciate, and value you. Spend your life with people who make you smile, laugh, and feel loved.” ― Roy T. Bennett